Original subtitles

[mellow music]

* *

Tonight is the Dundies,

the annual employee awards night here at Dunder Mifflin.

And this is everybody's favorite day.

Everybody looks forward to it.

Because, you know, a lot of the people here

don't get trophies very often.

Like Meredith or Kevin.

I mean, who's gonna give Kevin an award,

Dunkin' Donuts?

Plus, bonus, it's really, really funny.

So I--You know, an employee will go home,

and he'll tell his neighbor, "Hey, did you get an award?"

And the neighbor'll say, "No, man."

I mean, I slave all day. Nobody notices me.

Next thing you know,

employee smells something terrible

coming from the neighbor's house.

Neighbor's hanged himself.

Due to lack of recognition.

So...

Wow.

Those are, um...gleaming.

You buy a new pair every day, or...

I like keeping them new-looking.

[Jim chuckles]

So you ready for... the Dundies?

Ugh.

(Pam) You know what they say about a car wreck,

where it's so awful, you can't look away?

The Dundies are like a car wreck that

you wanna look away but you have to stare at it

because your boss is making you.

Hey-hey-hey!

It's Fat Halpert!

What?

Fat Halpert!

Jim Halpert.

So why don't I take you on a tour

of past Dundie winners?

We got Fat Jim Halpert here.

Jim, why don't you show off your Dundies to the camera?

Oh, I can't because I keep them hidden.

I don't wanna look at them and get cocky.

Oh! That's a good idea.

(Dwight) And mine are at home,

in a display case above my bed.

Yeeaacck! TMI. TMI, my friends.

(Michael) TMI?

Too Much Information.

Uh, it's just easier to say TMI.

I used to say "Don't go there," but that's lame.

And here we have Stanley the Manley.

Now, Stanley is a Dundie all-star.

Aren't you, Stanley?

Why don't you, uh, show them some of your bling.

I don't know where they are.

I think I threw them out.

Oh, no, you di-in't.

Uh, think I did.

Mm--Why did--

Say, we gotta order some more appe-teasers this time

We ran out last year, remember?

Yes, we should. I--You know what?

I wanted one of those skillets of cheese.

But when I got off stage,

someone had eaten all of them.

I am psyched for the Dundies.

I got a sitter for my kid.

I am gonna drink frozen drinks

paid for by Dunder Mifflin.

I'm gonna eat some good Chili's food

and hopefully... meet someone nice at the bar.

I love the Dundies. The only thing

I don't like about the Dundies

is that Michael thinks I have the gene for alcoholism,

and so he cuts me off after like two drinks.

I usually share a table with Phyllis.

[inhales, exhales]

Well...

I haven't eaten anything all day.

And I think I'm gonna skip lunch

so that I can maximize my food at the Dundies.

I think I'm gonna share some Cadillac Fajitas with Toby.

Toby is so cute...except he has that stupid kid.

There's a lot of drinking at the Dundies,

and people say very inappropriate things.

I never should have had that drink last year.

One year, I didn't go,

and then what happens is

Michael tells you about it over and over again.

Like for a month.

So it's-- it's less painful to go

and just get it over with...

than...than not go.

You think you're getting away with it.

Well, you're not.

Yes, I'm the designated driver, which is very important.

We need everyone to get home safely.

But no one ever gives me gas money,

and people live all over.

It's expensive.

[inaudible conversation]

Pfff.

Like a gaggle of geese.

[high voice] Mee-mee-mee-mee.

[giggling] It was you.

It wasn't. I swear.

Yeah, it was.

So what's the joke?

You're not perfect either.

We're not laughing at you, Dwight.

So who are we laughing at?

Um, just something somebody wrote.

Who? Dave Barry?

No, no.

Just something that was written on the ladies room wall.

What is it? Who wrote it?

Um, it's kind of private.

[whispering] It's about Michael.

[giggling]

That is defacement of company property.

So you'd better tell me.

Kelly, if you tell me, you'll be punished less.

Okay, now I'm laughing at you.

[giggling]

It hasn't always been easy being a whistleblower.

When I was in school, the kids would call me

a tattletale or a snitch or a worm.

So I really identify with those women from Enron.

I wrote them letters to tell them how much they inspired me,

but they never wrote back.

I guess they're all married.

All right, we need something for Kevin.

(Jim) Mmm-hmmm. What do we know about him?

He's an accountant.

He plays guitar, he likes naval history.

He's a bowler. He's fat.

The fat accountant award.

Well, you seem to have this under control.

The weird part about this whole deal

is that Michael truly believes

that these awards are inspiring and motivational.

I mean, he puts more effort and time and commitment

into the Dundies than anything else he does all year.

Which is probably why this branch will be downsized.

(Michael) I am the fat accountant. Michael, I need to talk to you.

Here he is.

I just thought that you might like to know

that someone has written something about you

on the ladies' room wall. Really?

What did they say?

"For a good time, call Michael Scott"?

Good one. Uh, no, no.

No, I think something bad, maybe.

Why do you think that?

You just immediately go to that, Dwight?

Why are you so negative? Why are you--

Michael. I mean, you just come in,

and you're just negative... Michael.

...and you just walk negatively.

Do you want me to find out what it says?

Yes.

By any means necessary? What does that even mean?

What are you...what are you talking about?

(Dwight) It's the ladies' room.

Just go and find out what it says and who said it

and report back to me.

But don't tell anybody that I have anything to do with it,

because if they ask me, I will say that you are crazy.

Thank you. You won't regret this, Michael.

What award would you like to give Dwight?

I hadn't planned on including him.

Okay.

Kevin.

To Oscar Martinez,

it's the Show Me the Money award.

Michael has taped every Dundies Awards.

And now he's making me look through

hours of footage to find highlights.

For the ladies. Hit it, Dwight.

[playing flute]

* A little bit of Pam all night long *

* A little bit of Angela on the thing *

(Pam) Oh, yeah.

This is the part where Kevin sat

in front of the camcorder all night.

It's great.

* A little bit of Roy eating chicken crispers *

* A little bit of Tim with some ribs *

* A little bit of Matt-- *

Angela, it's simple.

Just tell me what the bathroom wall says.

I don't talk about what goes on in the restroom.

I'm not asking what you do in there.

I just want to know what's written about Michael.

I don't say those kinds of things out loud.

It's inappropriate.

Okay, I'll talk.

You nod if I get it right.

Does it have to do with his butt or his wiener?

[Angela sighs]

Will her highness Jan Levinson-Gould

be descending from her corporate throne this evening

to visit us lowly serfs here at Dunder Mifflin Scranton?

It's a two-and-a-half-hour drive from New York, Michael.

Well, you could take the bus.

You could work on the way here,

sleep on the way home. No.

Come on, Jan. This is important.

I mean, this is, this is validation

to my employees here

that you and corporate approve of this.

Well, we don't approve of this, Michael.

W-- I mean, you only have the budget

for one office party a year, so...

we're not paying for this.

Um--

Can you--?

Are you there, Michael? Yeah, yeah, I'm here.

I just wanted to, uh...

talk to you for a second about that.

Um, what, uh, what is--

I mean, come on! Jan.

What's--You're droppin' an A-bomb on me here.

Really? I'm dropping an atomic bomb on you?

Well, yeah. I mean, what is--

Right.

You already had a party on May 5th for no reason.

No reason! It was the 05-05-05 party.

It happens once every billion years.

And you had a luau.

And the tsunami relief fundraiser,

which somehow lost a lot of money.

Okay, no, that was a funraiser.

I think I made that very clear in the flyers.

Okay, well, I don't understand why anyone...

Fun. F-U-N. ...would have a tsunami fun raiser, Michael.

Well, I think a lot of people

were very affected by the footage.

All right, just watch the off-color jokes.

I got a lotta complaints from H.R. last year.

Ugh, well, that's Toby.

Jerk-face. He, uh...

hasn't won a Dundie, and it's sour grapes,

and he's a very bitter, bitter...

[Jan sighs] ...young balding man.

All right. I gotta go, Michael.

What? Okay. We'll talk about this later.

No, this all sounds great. This sounds great.

[Jan, indistinct] So maybe we'll see you later.

Okay. All right, buh-bye.

Oh, let's see. What's on the computer?

Uh, yes, that's true. I have never won a Dundie.

I am more than okay with that.

It's a little character I like to do.

It is, uh, loosely based on Carnac,

one of Carson's classic characters.

Here we go.

The PLO, the IRA,

and the hot dog stand behind the warehouse.

[rips envelope]

Name three businesses that have better healthcare plans

than Dunder Mifflin.

Here's the problem.

There's no open bar because of Jan.

And it's the reason why

comedy clubs have a two-drink minimum.

I mean, it'll be fine, I just...

wish people were gonna be drunk.

I think his characters are pretty funny.

Especially Ping.

Well, what should I do, guys?

Seriously, do you want me to just cancel the Dundies?

No, we were just hoping you wouldn't do those characters

like last time. Ping?

Everybody loves Ping. He's my most popular character.

I think many people find that character slightly racist.

Really? Well, he is based on

the Chinese delivery guy that I have

who talks exactly like that,

so I think you should take it up with him instead of me.

Well, I'm just saying there are many people

that are offended by your insensitive skits.

[sighs] Well, neither of you are Chinese, so what...

Why do you care?

(Phyllis) Dwight, get out of here.

What are you doing in the ladies room? It's not what you--

No! Why were you in there?

You are a pervert! What were you doing in there?

I am not. I'm telling Michael.

I am on official business. Michael!

Phyllis, you are not. Michael!

No--stop it!

Stop it! Michael.

Michael--no, do not listen to her.

Dwight was in the ladies room,

and he was looking at me. What?

This is not true. He was looking at me

in the ladies' room. That is totally unfair!

I was just in the ladies' room in order to spy.

Dwight, Dwight, that--you've hit an new low, my friend.

That's what I said! He was spying in the ladies' room.

What do you think, Phyllis?

You think I followed you in there like, "Oh good.

Phyllis is going to the bathroom,

so maybe I get to see her naked from the waist down."

I'm not even attracted to you.

That is a good point.

Write him up, or I'll take it to Jan.

Okay, all right, I will do that.

I will get to that definitely.

Absolutely.

When? Oh, I don't know.

Maybe after I finish writing, producing, directing,

and hosting your awards show, all right?

Just relax, keep your pants on.

Unless, of course, you're in the bathroom

and you should be able to take your pants off in that case

without Creepsville Central spying on you.

Good.

The Dundie award for longest engagement

goes to Pam Beesley.

Pam, everybody! Yoo!

When is that girl gonna get married?

That's what I have to say. Aha, Roy's accepting.

Thank you, Roy, are there any words you'd like to say

on Pam's behalf?

(Roy) Uh, we'll see you next year.

(Michael) Yeah! Oh, hope not! Hope not.

I'm not changing that. That's the best one.

No, it's hilarious. You're right.

I just think, um, World's Longest Engagement,

um, we're all expecting it, you know?

That's why it's funny.

Every year that Roy and Pam don't get married

it gets funnier.

Well, I think if you use the same jokes,

it just comes across as lazy.

Oh. Lazy.

Uh-huh.

Excuse me, everyone.

Can I have your attention, please?

I just wanted to say

that the women in this office are terrible.

Especially the ones

who wrote that stuff about Michael

on the bathroom wall.

Having a bathroom is a privilege.

It is called a ladies' room for a reason.

And if you cannot behave like ladies,

well, then, you are not going to have a bathroom.

You're taking away our bathroom?

We are going to have two men's rooms.

But where would we--go?

Be prepared to hold it, folks. Okay, okay.

From 9:00 a.m.-- Look.

(Pam) Michael... Yes?

Dwight's banning us from our bathroom.

Okay, well, that's ridiculous. So just don't--

I don't have time for this right now.

There needs to be repercussions for people's behavior.

Stop it! Stop it! Okay.

Look, I know there have been a lot of rumors flying around

about the Dundies this year,

how there is no money and how there is no food,

and how the jokes are really bad.

But, what the hell, everybody? I mean--

God, the Dundies are about the best in every one of us.

Can't you see that? I mean--

Okay, we can do better.

(Michael) So tonight, for the first time,

we are inviting all of your friends and family

to attend the awards with us.

Yes.

(Michael) Yeah, not bad, right?

So let's make this the best Dundies ever.

[claps hands] Best Dundies ever.

All right, let's wrap it up. Come on, we're late.

The Dundies are starting very soon.

Accounting, let's go, let's go.

Okay, I gave you fair warning.

Out. Who's next, customer service?

Meredith, let's roll.

[siren, horn playing Reveille]

Welcome to the eighth annual Dundies awards.

(Dwight) Before we get started, a few announcements.

Keep your acceptance speeches short.

I have wrap-it-up music,

and I'm not afraid to use it, Devon.

[Naughty By Nature's O.P.P.]

* Drop a load on 'em *

* *

[rapping] * The Dundies *

* How can I explain it *

* Awards you and I created *

* I'm glad that you all made it *

* You never have to work so I don't hear no noises *

* You're just a name a number and no one even says hello *

Card! Come on.

The Dundies are kind of like a kid's birthday party.

And you go, and there's really nothing for you to do there.

But the kid's having a really good time.

So you're kind of there.

That's--that's kind of what it's like.

* Down with the Dundies * * Yeah, you know me *

* You down with the Dundies * * The Dundies *

* You down with the Dundies, you're my homies *

I have listened to that song so many times,

and I still don't know what OPP stands for.

Other people's...

I--something--I--

* You down with the Dundies *

* You down with the Dundie-- * [music stops]

The waitress tripped on the cord.

All right. All right.

Joke landed. So we are here.

Thank you all for coming to the 2005 Dundie awards.

I am your host, Michael Scott.

So, Pam, I wonder who's gonna get

"longest engagement" this year.

Well, you're not gonna get longest engagement, man,

'cause we got that locked up.

I wonder what I'll get.

I brought my fiancée.

And I just wanna tell you, please, please,

do not drink and drive.

Because you may hit a bump and spill the drink.

I'll just put these on the group tab.

Nope, actually, this year, no group tab.

We're gonna be doing separate checks.

What? Oh, great.

You said we could bring our families.

I did, and why didn't you, Stanley?

I did. My wife's name is Teri.

Well, I'm looking forward to meeting Teri.

It's this person whose hand I'm holding, Michael.

[recorded deep voice] Oh, yeah.

[whispers to Dwight] Shut it.

Um, good.

Speaking of relationships of all--

all waves, shapes, and forms,

um, I was out

on a very, very hot date last night

with a girl from H.R., Dwight.

Really? We don't have any girls from H.R.

No, uh...

F-for the sake of the story.

And things were getting hot and heavy.

(Dwight) Yeah?

And I was about to take her bra off,

when she had me fill out six hours' worth of paperwork.

Like an AIDS test?

No.

God.

(Michael) Ahem!

All right, so let's get this pahty stahted!

Hey, let's go to Poor Richard's.

Yeah, let's get out of here.

Um...

Guys, where are you going?

Pam, show's just getting started.

Sorry.

[clears throat loudly]

And now to celebrate...

You staying? Yeah.

Gotta eat somewhere.

The Busiest Beaver Award goes to Phyllis Lapin!

Yeah!

Way to go, Phyllis. Nice work. Per usual.

This says Bushiest Beaver. What?

I told them busiest-- Idiots. It's fine.

We can fix it. We'll fix it up.

You don't have to display that.

All right, our next award...

ah, yes, this award goes to

the most creative writing on the ladies' room wall,

and the winner is...

Who is it?

Who wants to claim it? Shiny Dundie.

Who wrote it?

Great idea, Dwight.

Because that's what happens every time! He's a jackass!

Every year.

Come on, we're going to Poor Richard's.

No, I don't wanna go. I don't want to!

Pam, no. If you would've asked me that, then you would know.

[bad Asian accent] Herro, everybody!

Hey...how are you? I thought you left.

Um, no, I just-- I decided to stay.

Oh. I'll just get a ride home from Angela.

(Michael as Ping) I going to call the next award!

Oh, good, I'm just in time for Ping.

Oh, that would be where?

Uh, me so horny, right? You know what I'm talking about.

Can I get a drink? (Michael as Ping) Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

This next award goes to somebody who really lights up the office.

Somebody who I think a lot of us cannot keep

from checkin' out.

The Hottest in the Office Award goes to...

Ryan the temp!

* I believe in miracles * Yeah!

* Hey, ho, you sexy thing *

* Sexy thing you * *

Here you go.

[humming with music]

* Hangin' in the huh nuh nuh ha *

* Come from, baby * *

There you go. There you go, whoo!

What am I gonna do with the award?

[scoffs] Nothing.

I--I don't know what I'm gonna do.

That's the least of my concerns right now.

I think you're the hottest.

Thanks, Phyllis.

Thank you.

Ooh, my Reggae Sun Splash.

I looked...so cool ordering that.

[giggling] You want some?

No, thank you,

it's not really quite pink enough for my tastes.

[Pam giggles]

Straw optional.

[both laughing]

Excuse me, Goldschlager, extra flakes.

We don't have that.

You want a Presidente Margarita?

Blue Pacific Margarita, El Nino...

No, no. No margarita. Hot sake.

Fosters in the big can.

Just a chocolate shake, chocolate sprinkles.

(Michael) And the Tight-Ass Award

goes to Angela.

Not only because she is everybody's favorite stickler,

but because she has a great caboose.

So, come on down. No.

[laughs]

[slurps drink]

I think those might be empty.

No, no, 'cause the ice melts,

and then it's like, second drink.

[giggles]

Second drink?

(Michael) The Spicy Curry Award

goes to our very own Kelly Capour.

Get on up here. [applause]

There you go.

"Spicy Curry." What's that mean?

Um, not everything means something, it's just a joke.

Yeah, but why'd you give it to me?

I don't know. I just--

This is a bowler. I know.

It's--they didn't have any more businessmen.

Yeah, but I don't-- Just sit down, Kelly.

[heavy sigh]

It's so freaking hot in there.

Now I know what Bob Hope was going through

when he performed in Saudi Arabia.

Man!

I got Dwight sucking the funny out of the room.

But, you know, you do what you can do.

[piano playing] Here we go, he's early with the cue.

Gotta go.

[to the tune of Tiny Dancer] * You have won a tiny Dundie *

Ow! Sing it, Elton!

Hey, thanks guys.

Hey, where're you guys from?

We just came from your mama's house.

Are you guys gonna finish that?

(Michael) Oh, right, yeah!

(man at bar) Sing another song, Dude.

Uh, you know what, guys?

We're just having a little office party.

So if you wanna-- Hey!

You know, cool it guys, really.

You suck, man.

You suck.

[Tiny Dancerplaying]

Let's cut it. [music stops]

I had a few more Dundies to give out tonight,

but I'm just gonna cut it short

and wrap it up

so everybody can enjoy their food.

Um, thanks for listening, those of you who listened.

[clears throat]

This last Dundie is for Kevin.

This is the Don't Go In There After Me award.

It's for the time that I went into the bathroom after him,

and it was really, really smelly.

There you go.

Yay, Kevin!

Whoo hoo! For Kevin!

For stinking up the bathroom!

Yeah, all right, Kev! Whoo!

Hey, I haven't gotten one yet.

(Jim) Yes, I have not gotten one either.

So, keep going. More Dundies!

Dundie. Dundie. Dundie. Dundie.

[chanting continues]

All right, all right, all right, okay.

All right, we'll keep it rolling.

Okay, this is the Fine Work Award.

This goes to Stanley

for all the fine work he did this year.

You know you did.

(Pam) Hear, hear.

Speech, speech, speech, speech, speech, speech...

Well, last year, I got Great Work.

[drunken laugh]

So I don't know what to think about this award.

But, at least I didn't get

Smelliest Bowel Movement like Kevin.

[giggles]

[light cheers and applause]

And this next award is going out to our own little Pam Beesley.

I think we all know what award

Pam is gonna be getting this year.

It is the Whitest Sneakers Award

because she always has the whitest tennis shoes on!

Get on down here!

Pam Beesley, ladies and gentlemen.

Ooh, here we go.

I have so many people to thank for this award.

[laughs]

Okay, first off, my Keds,

because I couldn't have done it without them.

Thank you.

Let's give Michael a round of applause

for emceeing tonight,

because this is a lot harder than it looks.

And also because of Dwight too.

Um, so, finally,

I wanna thank God because God gave me this Dundie.

And I feel God in this Chili's tonight.

Whoo!

Pammy B., ladies and gentlemen.

Oh, thank you.

Yeah! Chair?

Oh!

[sighs] [sighs]

(Jim) What a great year for the Dundies.

We got to see Ping.

And we learned Michael's true feelings for Ryan.

Which was touching.

And we heard Michael change the lyrics

to a number of classic songs.

Which for me, has ruined them for life.

[Michael singing I've Had the Time of My Life]

What?

Nothing.

Okay.

What? I don't know, what?

Oh, my God.

You are so drunk.

Did you get that? [Pam laughs]

Please tell me that you got--

Vince, Vince! Woman has had a seizure!

(Dwight) Grab her tongue! Grab her tongue!

It's okay, I'm a sheriff's deputy.

Well, he's a volunteer. Don't get into that now.

We need something to cushion her head.

A throw pillow? A cushion?

Okay, I'm gonna use my shirt.

Dwight, this is crazy. Okay.

Jim, not now!

We need to cushion her head.

Lie still. Please, Pam.

Do not move. Dwight, Dwight.

I'm sorry. [laughing] I am fine.

Jim, don't interfere.

You have to put your clothes back on.

People are trying to eat.

Can you give me a second, sir?

No! Dwight, let me up.

Right now.

I am a Sheriff's Deputy. That's fine.

I could have my men in here in a second

and have you arrested.

Pam, are you all right?

I'm fine. Sir, sir.

How many fingers am I holding up?

You're holding up three fingers.

Are you okay? Put your clothes on, right now.

I will. I will. You need to calm down.

Was this year's Dundies a success?

Well, let me see.

I made Pam laugh so hard that she fell out of her chair.

And she almost broke her neck.

So I killed. Almost.

[laughs]

Oh, my God!

I just wanna say,

that this was the best Dundies ever!

Whoo!

Whoa, whoa. Careful, careful, careful.

Don't wanna forget that.

You and your party really need to leave right now.

Absolutely. Is this mine or is this Chili's?

I-- You know what? Don't worry about it.

Keep it. My gift. Thank you.

Have a good night. See you next year.

That's...fine.

We have a strict policy here not to over-serve.

(waiter) Apparently this young woman was sneaking drinks

off other people's tables.

I Xeroxed her driver's license,

and she is not welcome

at this restaurant chain ever again.

[clicks tongue]

Great work tonight. Watch your step.

Excellent. Thanks.

I had to, uh, check her pupils

to make sure that wasn't a concussion.

Yes, that too, but I mean with the audio.

Great, great work.

I feel bad about what I wrote on the bathroom wall.

No, you don't.

[laughs]

Oh, here she is.

[sighs] Careful, careful, whoa.

[laughs] All right. Easy.

Almost there.

Hey, um, can I ask you a question?

Shoot.

Um...I just wanted to say thanks.

That's not really a question.

Okay, let's get you home, pronto.

[laughs]

[Elton John's Tiny Dancer]

All right. Bye.

Good night. Have a good night.

Thank you, Angela.

(Elton John) * Hold me closer, Tiny Dancer *

* You had a busy day today *

* Hold me closer, Tiny Dancer *

One sombrero--$20.

People leaving without paying

and sticking me with a bill for $400...

$400.

Making someone laugh until they puke...

Priceless.

My favorite Dundies moment?

I think it's when Angela tied the cherry stem

with her mouth.

A couple of years ago, I got an award

for tying a cherry stem with my tongue.

I won't do that anymore.

She... she kinda went like...

It was pretty cool.

As for the bill, big deal.

People didn't pay, and I got stuck with a tab for $400.

The joke is on them.

Do you realize how many airline miles that is?

Six more years, and I will see you in Mardi Gras.