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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:02,868 --> 00:00:04,169 ♪ My eyes are gettin' weary ♪ 2 00:00:05,537 --> 00:00:08,172 ♪ my back is gettin' tight 3 00:00:08,240 --> 00:00:10,208 ♪ I'm sittin' here in traffic ♪ 4 00:00:10,275 --> 00:00:13,277 ♪ on the queensborough bridge tonight ♪ 5 00:00:13,345 --> 00:00:16,680 ♪ I don't care, 'cause all I want to do ♪ 6 00:00:18,617 --> 00:00:21,785 ♪ is cash my check and drive right home to you ♪ 7 00:00:24,123 --> 00:00:26,290 ♪ 'cause, baby, all my life 8 00:00:26,358 --> 00:00:28,893 ♪ I will be drivin' home to you ♪ 9 00:00:34,766 --> 00:00:36,667 Hey, hon. Good news about tomorrow. 10 00:00:36,735 --> 00:00:37,801 What's tomorrow? 11 00:00:37,869 --> 00:00:40,038 Tomorrow. My seminar. 12 00:00:40,105 --> 00:00:41,972 Ok. Gonna need a little more. 13 00:00:42,041 --> 00:00:44,909 The tri-state attorneys' seminar I'm coordinating? 14 00:00:44,976 --> 00:00:48,746 The thing I've been pretty much working on constantly since Thanksgiving? 15 00:00:48,813 --> 00:00:51,749 Mmm-hmm, mmm-hmm. I remember Thanksgiving. 16 00:00:51,816 --> 00:00:52,883 Doug, come on. 17 00:00:52,951 --> 00:00:54,752 What, what? What about it? Well-- 18 00:00:54,819 --> 00:00:56,620 I like the other chicken you make better. 19 00:00:56,688 --> 00:00:58,356 Huh? I like the other kind. 20 00:00:58,424 --> 00:00:59,657 This has no zip. 21 00:00:59,724 --> 00:01:02,693 Dad, you have an ulcer. You're not allowed zip, ok? 22 00:01:02,761 --> 00:01:04,728 There's Mrs. dash in the cabinet. Try that. 23 00:01:04,796 --> 00:01:06,264 Thanks for nothin'. 24 00:01:06,331 --> 00:01:08,332 So, what's this good news you speak of? 25 00:01:08,400 --> 00:01:11,402 Ok, the good news is you can come to the seminar. 26 00:01:13,505 --> 00:01:15,540 There's a cocktail hour tomorrow night, 27 00:01:15,607 --> 00:01:18,142 and then a big closing luncheon on Saturday, 28 00:01:18,210 --> 00:01:21,812 and pruzan said that I can bring you to both. 29 00:01:21,880 --> 00:01:23,781 Shut up! That's good news. 30 00:01:23,848 --> 00:01:24,915 Mrs. butterworth's? 31 00:01:24,983 --> 00:01:26,650 Dash. Dash. 32 00:01:26,718 --> 00:01:28,119 It's not in here. 33 00:01:30,689 --> 00:01:31,722 There you go. 34 00:01:31,790 --> 00:01:33,224 Oh. 35 00:01:33,292 --> 00:01:35,226 So would you please just come to this thing? 36 00:01:35,294 --> 00:01:37,795 I'm gonna be running around dealing with 200 drunk lawyers. 37 00:01:37,862 --> 00:01:39,464 I could use a hug now and then. 38 00:01:39,531 --> 00:01:41,332 Can't one of them hug you? 39 00:01:41,400 --> 00:01:43,267 [Mutters] 40 00:01:43,335 --> 00:01:45,736 Ok, Doug, you know what? You can be a real jerk sometimes. 41 00:01:45,804 --> 00:01:48,539 I am asking you to be there for me because I need the support. 42 00:01:48,607 --> 00:01:50,208 That's what a marriage is, you know. 43 00:01:50,275 --> 00:01:52,276 You sometimes make a sacrifice for your partner 44 00:01:52,344 --> 00:01:53,744 because you love 'em. 45 00:01:54,813 --> 00:01:57,248 Forget it. 46 00:01:57,316 --> 00:02:00,585 Ok, I'm sorry. Ok, I'll be there. I want to be, really. 47 00:02:00,652 --> 00:02:01,752 Thank you. 48 00:02:01,820 --> 00:02:03,454 Onion, black pepper, celery seeds, 49 00:02:03,522 --> 00:02:05,189 cumin, lemon juice powder, oregano. 50 00:02:05,257 --> 00:02:07,492 You know, we can make this stuff ourselves. 51 00:02:07,559 --> 00:02:09,760 Or I could just buy it for $1. 52 00:02:10,562 --> 00:02:12,062 Must be nice being rich. 53 00:02:14,299 --> 00:02:15,833 [All chattering] 54 00:02:18,170 --> 00:02:19,303 [Exclaims] 55 00:02:19,371 --> 00:02:20,771 What's all this? 56 00:02:20,839 --> 00:02:22,507 I just spoke to the guys over at the Brooklyn depot. 57 00:02:22,574 --> 00:02:25,276 They want a mud bowl rematch. It's on, baby! 58 00:02:25,344 --> 00:02:26,477 Mud bowl? Is it raining? 59 00:02:26,545 --> 00:02:28,179 Yeah. It started about a half hour ago. 60 00:02:28,247 --> 00:02:29,913 So unless you're getting bar mitzvahed, 61 00:02:29,981 --> 00:02:31,982 ditch the tie and put your sweats on. Come on. 62 00:02:32,050 --> 00:02:34,018 I can't. I gotta go meet Carrie in the city 63 00:02:34,085 --> 00:02:35,819 at a stupid reception thing for her job. 64 00:02:35,887 --> 00:02:38,289 What? Can't you just blow off the reception? 65 00:02:38,357 --> 00:02:40,858 Nah. No way. Carrie will kill me. 66 00:02:40,925 --> 00:02:42,260 When she does, 67 00:02:42,327 --> 00:02:44,595 let us know what kind of dress you want to be buried in. 68 00:02:44,663 --> 00:02:46,764 All right, man, funny. Let me tell you guys something. 69 00:02:46,831 --> 00:02:48,566 You know what? In a marriage, 70 00:02:48,634 --> 00:02:51,169 you sometimes gotta make sacrifices for your partner 71 00:02:51,236 --> 00:02:52,403 'cause you love them, 72 00:02:52,471 --> 00:02:55,873 and you-- and you support them and... 73 00:02:55,940 --> 00:02:59,109 And what am I, Alan alda? Let's play some mudball! 74 00:02:59,178 --> 00:03:00,711 [All exclaiming] 75 00:03:07,686 --> 00:03:08,819 Carrie? 76 00:03:19,565 --> 00:03:21,165 [Yelling] 77 00:03:21,233 --> 00:03:24,268 Arthur! Arthur, relax, it's me! 78 00:03:24,336 --> 00:03:27,338 Douglas. I thought you were at that seminar with Carrie. 79 00:03:27,406 --> 00:03:28,606 Something came up. 80 00:03:28,674 --> 00:03:30,675 Listen. I'm gonna jump in the shower. 81 00:03:30,742 --> 00:03:33,578 When Carrie comes in, pretend you never saw me. 82 00:03:33,645 --> 00:03:35,779 And you definitely never saw this. 83 00:03:35,847 --> 00:03:38,216 Yeah, well, what should I say? What should I do? 84 00:03:38,283 --> 00:03:41,552 Nothing. Just stay here and act natural. That's it. 85 00:03:42,254 --> 00:03:43,521 [Coughing] 86 00:03:49,160 --> 00:03:50,294 Hi, daddy. I'm just reading 87 00:03:50,362 --> 00:03:52,930 the newspaper, that's all! 88 00:03:52,997 --> 00:03:55,533 Ok. Is, uh, is Doug home? 89 00:03:55,601 --> 00:03:57,668 I have no idea. I heard some noises. 90 00:03:57,736 --> 00:03:59,737 Must have been some animal rummaging for food, 91 00:03:59,804 --> 00:04:02,139 perhaps a heavyset squirrel. 92 00:04:05,444 --> 00:04:06,611 [Shower running] 93 00:04:06,678 --> 00:04:08,746 Well, the shower's running. I assume that's him. 94 00:04:08,813 --> 00:04:10,948 Your guess is as good as mine. 95 00:04:11,750 --> 00:04:13,217 Poor baby. 96 00:04:13,285 --> 00:04:16,053 At the last minute, his boss made him work late. 97 00:04:16,121 --> 00:04:18,889 Had to make an emergency run to LA guardia. 98 00:04:18,957 --> 00:04:20,891 Oh, did he, now? 99 00:04:20,959 --> 00:04:23,827 He probably put in a 15-hour day and in this weather. 100 00:04:23,895 --> 00:04:25,195 He's probably exhausted. 101 00:04:25,264 --> 00:04:26,764 I'm sure he is. 102 00:04:26,831 --> 00:04:28,266 Hey, how'd it go? 103 00:04:28,333 --> 00:04:29,500 [Groans] 104 00:04:29,568 --> 00:04:32,670 Pruzan was on my butt the whole day. 105 00:04:32,738 --> 00:04:34,405 I am so stressed. 106 00:04:34,473 --> 00:04:37,174 Really? Sorry I--I couldn't be there. 107 00:04:37,242 --> 00:04:39,109 Well, you had to work late. What can you do? 108 00:04:39,177 --> 00:04:40,511 Nothin'. I'm just sayin'. 109 00:04:40,579 --> 00:04:42,713 I'll tell you, I wish you had been there, sweetie. 110 00:04:42,781 --> 00:04:46,484 I could have really, really used some moral support. 111 00:04:46,551 --> 00:04:49,553 I will be there tomorrow with all the moral support you can handle. 112 00:04:49,621 --> 00:04:51,389 In fact, you'll have extra moral support. 113 00:04:51,456 --> 00:04:53,457 You can save that for next year's seminar. 114 00:04:53,525 --> 00:04:54,458 Ok? Ok. 115 00:04:54,526 --> 00:04:55,526 [Sneezes] 116 00:04:55,594 --> 00:04:57,361 Oh, bless you. Hey, sit, sit, sit. 117 00:04:57,429 --> 00:04:59,463 I brought home some baby knishes. 118 00:04:59,531 --> 00:05:01,532 Believe me, it was not easy 119 00:05:01,600 --> 00:05:03,634 tearing them away from their mommy. 120 00:05:04,636 --> 00:05:05,703 (Carrie) Very emotional. 121 00:05:05,771 --> 00:05:07,070 [Carrie laughs] 122 00:05:09,107 --> 00:05:11,108 Dad, look at this floor. 123 00:05:11,176 --> 00:05:12,643 Did you track in mud again? 124 00:05:13,512 --> 00:05:15,045 I suppose I did. 125 00:05:16,748 --> 00:05:19,116 I suppose I did. 126 00:05:29,226 --> 00:05:30,526 [Coughing] 127 00:05:33,563 --> 00:05:34,864 [Sniffles] 128 00:05:34,932 --> 00:05:36,465 Honey, come on. It's after 9:00. 129 00:05:36,533 --> 00:05:39,135 We have to be at the banquet room by 10:00. 130 00:05:39,203 --> 00:05:40,569 I'm getting up now. 131 00:05:40,637 --> 00:05:42,571 I laid out all your clothes, 132 00:05:42,639 --> 00:05:45,374 so all you have to do is pour your hot little body into 'em. 133 00:05:47,310 --> 00:05:50,046 My God, you look awful. Are you sick? 134 00:05:50,114 --> 00:05:52,314 No, no, I'm fine. 135 00:05:52,382 --> 00:05:54,483 Doug, you're on fire! 136 00:05:54,551 --> 00:05:56,285 And sweaty. 137 00:05:56,353 --> 00:05:57,586 No, I'm fine. 138 00:05:57,654 --> 00:05:58,687 [Coughing] 139 00:05:58,756 --> 00:06:00,256 Oh, honey, come on. Look at you. 140 00:06:00,323 --> 00:06:02,558 You're not going anywhere today. 141 00:06:02,626 --> 00:06:04,693 I'm sorry I got sick, car. 142 00:06:04,762 --> 00:06:06,129 Hey, it's not your fault. 143 00:06:06,196 --> 00:06:10,032 You probably caught it unloading boxes in the rain last night. 144 00:06:10,100 --> 00:06:11,300 Uh-huh. 145 00:06:11,368 --> 00:06:12,635 Oh, oh, I--I gotta go. 146 00:06:12,702 --> 00:06:16,305 Listen, you just lay there, ok, relax. Watch some t.V., 147 00:06:16,373 --> 00:06:18,374 and I will call you later and check up on you, ok? 148 00:06:18,441 --> 00:06:19,375 I love you, sweetie. 149 00:06:28,152 --> 00:06:29,752 Carrie asked me to bring this to you. 150 00:06:29,820 --> 00:06:34,957 I believe it's tea, food, and medicine. 151 00:06:35,025 --> 00:06:36,325 Oh. Thanks. 152 00:06:36,927 --> 00:06:38,094 [Grunts] 153 00:06:38,162 --> 00:06:40,096 She tells me you're under the weather. 154 00:06:40,164 --> 00:06:43,065 Yeah. If I were you, I wouldn't get too close. 155 00:06:43,133 --> 00:06:45,067 In fact, that's probably a good rule in general. 156 00:06:46,536 --> 00:06:48,537 Right-o. 157 00:06:48,605 --> 00:06:51,774 Oh, and if anyone calls, I'll tell them you're... 158 00:06:52,276 --> 00:06:53,910 "Sick." 159 00:06:53,977 --> 00:06:55,044 I am sick, Arthur. 160 00:06:55,112 --> 00:06:56,279 Of course you are. 161 00:06:56,346 --> 00:06:58,747 Just like you had to "work" last night. 162 00:06:58,816 --> 00:07:00,183 Oh, come on. Don't start with me. 163 00:07:00,250 --> 00:07:01,750 I'm not starting anything. 164 00:07:01,819 --> 00:07:03,352 All I know is your wife needed you last night, 165 00:07:03,420 --> 00:07:05,254 but instead you were out enjoying yourself, 166 00:07:05,322 --> 00:07:08,390 digging up buried footballs with your friends. 167 00:07:08,458 --> 00:07:10,092 We were playing football. 168 00:07:10,160 --> 00:07:11,393 Oh, save your oysters, Eddie. 169 00:07:11,461 --> 00:07:13,329 I already have enough of your stink on me. 170 00:07:13,396 --> 00:07:15,431 Oh, would you come off... 171 00:07:15,498 --> 00:07:16,999 [Coughing] 172 00:07:17,067 --> 00:07:19,302 It's called covering your mouth. 173 00:07:19,369 --> 00:07:21,037 [Coughs] 174 00:07:21,104 --> 00:07:22,905 Very mature. Oh, come on, Arthur. 175 00:07:22,973 --> 00:07:25,507 Get off your high horse, huh? You're not Mr. perfect either. 176 00:07:25,575 --> 00:07:28,878 Why? Because I eavesdrop on an occasional phone call? 177 00:07:28,946 --> 00:07:33,015 Because I sometimes help myself to the change on your night stand? 178 00:07:33,083 --> 00:07:34,483 Fine, I'm not perfect. 179 00:07:34,551 --> 00:07:36,752 But at least I'm not a liar. 180 00:07:36,820 --> 00:07:38,855 You broke my heart, Douglas. 181 00:07:40,057 --> 00:07:43,259 Yeah, well, you... You broke my heart, too! 182 00:07:43,327 --> 00:07:46,695 Ok? Your little guilt trip's not gonna work! 183 00:07:46,763 --> 00:07:49,598 I do lots of stuff for Carrie, lots of stuff! 184 00:07:49,666 --> 00:07:51,334 (Arthur) Tell that to your conscience! 185 00:07:51,401 --> 00:07:53,635 My conscience is fine, so shutty! 186 00:07:53,703 --> 00:07:55,637 (Arthur) No! You shutty! 187 00:07:55,705 --> 00:07:56,839 You shutty! 188 00:07:58,208 --> 00:07:59,141 [Coughing] 189 00:08:01,544 --> 00:08:03,579 [People chattering on t.V.] 190 00:08:04,547 --> 00:08:05,481 [Sighing] 191 00:08:09,253 --> 00:08:11,387 (Woman on t.V.) I have something to say about that... 192 00:08:11,454 --> 00:08:12,721 [Groans] 193 00:08:16,626 --> 00:08:18,560 ♪[Music playing on t.V.] 194 00:08:25,969 --> 00:08:29,105 (Male announcer) Jackie gleason. 195 00:08:29,172 --> 00:08:31,140 [Echoing] The honeymooners. 196 00:08:42,085 --> 00:08:44,586 Hey, Deacon! Come on down, pal! 197 00:08:51,694 --> 00:08:52,828 Hey, Dougie boy. 198 00:08:55,732 --> 00:08:58,301 Well, my friend, I think congratulations are in order. 199 00:08:58,368 --> 00:09:01,170 Why? The bus company starting to pay you by the pound? 200 00:09:01,238 --> 00:09:02,338 [Snickering] 201 00:09:02,406 --> 00:09:04,606 Oh, you're funny, pal. You are funny. 202 00:09:04,674 --> 00:09:07,243 I don't know why you're wasting your time down in the sewer, 203 00:09:07,311 --> 00:09:09,111 'cause you should be on stage somewhere, 204 00:09:09,179 --> 00:09:10,813 'cause you are a riot! 205 00:09:10,880 --> 00:09:13,950 So, uh, w-what am I congratulating you for? 206 00:09:14,017 --> 00:09:15,451 For bein' a genius. 207 00:09:15,518 --> 00:09:17,586 I told Carrie we got an emergency meeting 208 00:09:17,654 --> 00:09:19,088 down at the raccoon lodge tonight, 209 00:09:19,156 --> 00:09:20,957 so now I'm free to go bowlin'. 210 00:09:21,024 --> 00:09:22,758 Mmm, I'm good. 211 00:09:23,526 --> 00:09:24,693 Wow. 212 00:09:24,761 --> 00:09:25,962 I gotta hand it to you, Doug. 213 00:09:26,029 --> 00:09:27,163 I could never lie to Kelly. 214 00:09:27,230 --> 00:09:30,266 No, she'd smell it on me a mile away. 215 00:09:30,334 --> 00:09:32,701 That's the difference between you and I, deac. 216 00:09:32,769 --> 00:09:36,339 Unlike you, I am not a-scared of my wife. 217 00:09:36,406 --> 00:09:39,375 I am the king of my castle. The king! 218 00:09:39,443 --> 00:09:41,777 She is just a mere peasant! 219 00:09:41,845 --> 00:09:45,381 Now, help me think of a way to sneak out my bowlin' shoes after supper. 220 00:09:50,087 --> 00:09:51,620 Hey! 221 00:09:51,688 --> 00:09:54,690 Why don't we use this here and, uh, wrap them up like a gift? 222 00:09:54,757 --> 00:09:57,460 That's using your noodle, pal. Here you go. 223 00:09:57,527 --> 00:10:00,329 There. Put them in there. How's that look? 224 00:10:00,397 --> 00:10:03,099 I don't know. It, uh, kinda needs something. 225 00:10:03,166 --> 00:10:04,500 What do you mean? 226 00:10:04,567 --> 00:10:06,268 Y-y-you got a nice ribbon or something? 227 00:10:06,336 --> 00:10:09,505 Good idea. A ribbon. Here we go. Ok. 228 00:10:11,274 --> 00:10:14,543 There you go, pal. Just wrap it up, and hurry up. 229 00:10:14,611 --> 00:10:16,012 Carrie'll be home any minute. 230 00:10:16,079 --> 00:10:17,246 Right-o. 231 00:10:29,759 --> 00:10:31,227 Will you come on? 232 00:10:37,334 --> 00:10:39,435 There, there you go. It's all done. 233 00:10:43,673 --> 00:10:45,241 Hiya, Doug. Hello, deac. 234 00:10:45,308 --> 00:10:46,409 Hi, uh, sweetheart. 235 00:10:46,476 --> 00:10:47,910 Whaddya say there, Carrie? 236 00:10:47,977 --> 00:10:50,046 Doug, what time is your lodge meeting tonight? 237 00:10:50,113 --> 00:10:52,081 I told you, 8:00. 238 00:10:52,149 --> 00:10:53,649 Really? Because I just ran into 239 00:10:53,716 --> 00:10:56,318 the high exalted mystic ruler's wife at the beauty parlor, 240 00:10:56,386 --> 00:10:59,321 and she told me he's out of town till Tuesday. 241 00:11:01,058 --> 00:11:02,458 Homina, homina, homina... 242 00:11:03,660 --> 00:11:05,528 Well, of course he is. 243 00:11:05,595 --> 00:11:08,864 Uh, that's why we're meeting to plan his, uh, surprise birthday party. 244 00:11:08,932 --> 00:11:11,534 Oh! Is that what this is for? 245 00:11:11,601 --> 00:11:15,737 Uh, no, no, it's something I got for, uh, Kelly. 246 00:11:15,805 --> 00:11:18,307 Oh, well, that's sweet. What'd you get her? 247 00:11:18,975 --> 00:11:20,576 Bowling shoes. 248 00:11:20,643 --> 00:11:23,479 (Carrie) New bowling shoes. Well, that's swell. 249 00:11:23,547 --> 00:11:25,548 Well, I'm gonna get cleaned up for supper. 250 00:11:25,615 --> 00:11:27,283 All right. All right, sweetheart. 251 00:11:27,350 --> 00:11:30,152 You, uh, you take your time now, ok? 252 00:11:30,220 --> 00:11:32,621 Bowlin' shoes? That's what you come up with? Bowlin' shoes? 253 00:11:32,689 --> 00:11:35,257 I--I got kinda nervous, you know, bein' around a king. 254 00:11:35,325 --> 00:11:36,358 [Laughs] 255 00:11:36,426 --> 00:11:37,993 Get out. Get out! 256 00:11:45,969 --> 00:11:47,903 ♪[Music playing on t.V.] 257 00:11:52,109 --> 00:11:53,442 [Rattling] 258 00:11:54,411 --> 00:11:56,512 (Pat sajak) Ok, Arthur, 450. 259 00:11:57,280 --> 00:11:59,181 Ok, uh, I'd like a 4. 260 00:12:00,016 --> 00:12:01,850 We only take letters. 261 00:12:01,918 --> 00:12:03,685 Is there an "h"? 262 00:12:03,753 --> 00:12:07,789 Yeah, "h", "h" was called. In fact, you called it. 263 00:12:07,857 --> 00:12:09,625 [Buzzer sounding] Ah! 264 00:12:09,692 --> 00:12:13,061 Sorry, Arthur. Time's up. Carrie, it's your turn. 265 00:12:13,130 --> 00:12:14,630 Big money, big money, big money! 266 00:12:14,697 --> 00:12:15,731 [Audience cheering] 267 00:12:15,798 --> 00:12:17,500 (Pat sajak) And 600. 268 00:12:17,567 --> 00:12:20,469 Uh, actually, pat, I would like to solve the puzzle. 269 00:12:21,538 --> 00:12:24,873 No! 270 00:12:24,941 --> 00:12:27,276 Pat! He's touching the letters! 271 00:12:27,344 --> 00:12:30,879 He's touching them! Make him stop! 272 00:12:30,947 --> 00:12:33,682 Wait a second. Did he lie to me? 273 00:12:33,750 --> 00:12:34,783 [Audience exclaiming] 274 00:12:34,851 --> 00:12:36,685 No lie. I never... 275 00:12:36,753 --> 00:12:39,388 [People chattering on t.V.] 276 00:12:41,158 --> 00:12:42,591 ♪[Music playing] 277 00:12:42,659 --> 00:12:44,160 [Gun firing] 278 00:12:48,765 --> 00:12:50,699 You're a liar. 279 00:12:50,767 --> 00:12:51,833 Ouch! 280 00:12:51,901 --> 00:12:53,802 You're a louse. 281 00:12:53,870 --> 00:12:55,471 Oh. 282 00:12:55,539 --> 00:12:57,139 You're a stinker. 283 00:12:58,642 --> 00:13:00,776 But--but-- don't you "but" me. 284 00:13:01,511 --> 00:13:03,111 Oh, boy. 285 00:13:03,180 --> 00:13:05,113 [Birds twittering] 286 00:13:05,182 --> 00:13:06,848 I told you so. 287 00:13:06,916 --> 00:13:08,184 Shutty. 288 00:13:08,918 --> 00:13:10,619 Not goin' so good. 289 00:13:18,026 --> 00:13:18,959 [Coughing] 290 00:13:21,696 --> 00:13:23,530 ♪[Music playing on t.V.] 291 00:13:27,635 --> 00:13:29,203 [Groans] 292 00:13:34,709 --> 00:13:36,743 Hey, bro. How you feeling? 293 00:13:36,812 --> 00:13:38,312 Oh, man, like old gum. 294 00:13:38,379 --> 00:13:39,980 Well, I brought your paycheck. 295 00:13:40,048 --> 00:13:42,082 Oh, thanks a lot. All right. 296 00:13:42,150 --> 00:13:45,186 So, uh, Carrie believe your lie about working late? 297 00:13:45,253 --> 00:13:47,188 It wasn't a lie, man. It was an excuse, ok? 298 00:13:47,255 --> 00:13:49,723 Besides, you guys pressured me into it! I had my tie on! 299 00:13:49,791 --> 00:13:52,927 Chill, all right? I'm on your side, player. 300 00:13:52,994 --> 00:13:54,228 Jeez. 301 00:13:54,296 --> 00:13:55,696 ♪[Music playing] 302 00:13:55,763 --> 00:13:57,832 Hey, hey, check this out. 303 00:13:57,899 --> 00:13:59,166 (Deacon) Brian's song. 304 00:13:59,234 --> 00:14:01,601 Cool. You want to hang out and watch? 305 00:14:01,669 --> 00:14:04,705 Nah. I'm supposed to be working right now. 306 00:14:04,772 --> 00:14:06,073 Later, guy. 307 00:14:07,242 --> 00:14:08,408 [Sighs] 308 00:14:12,848 --> 00:14:14,481 Hey, black magic. 309 00:14:19,620 --> 00:14:21,322 How you doin', heff? 310 00:14:22,123 --> 00:14:23,557 It's, uh... 311 00:14:24,860 --> 00:14:26,426 It's 4th and 8, 312 00:14:27,229 --> 00:14:30,297 and they won't let me punt. 313 00:14:31,900 --> 00:14:33,433 Go for it, then. 314 00:14:35,103 --> 00:14:36,403 I'm tryin'. 315 00:14:37,438 --> 00:14:41,708 Jesus, God, I'm trying. 316 00:14:43,912 --> 00:14:45,246 [Swallowing] 317 00:14:48,616 --> 00:14:50,117 [Doug gasping] 318 00:14:52,954 --> 00:14:55,089 I brought your paycheck. 319 00:14:55,156 --> 00:14:57,024 Thanks, magic. 320 00:14:58,093 --> 00:15:00,261 Where do you want me to put it? 321 00:15:00,328 --> 00:15:04,298 [Mumbling] Over there by the deposit slips. 322 00:15:05,800 --> 00:15:07,801 I'm sorry. What? 323 00:15:07,869 --> 00:15:11,071 [Mumbling] Just put it on the table. 324 00:15:11,139 --> 00:15:14,208 Ok, guy, could you speak up a little? 325 00:15:15,510 --> 00:15:17,912 [Mumbling] 326 00:15:24,819 --> 00:15:25,986 [Groans] 327 00:15:27,088 --> 00:15:28,255 [Grunts] 328 00:15:29,457 --> 00:15:30,857 That's good. 329 00:15:38,400 --> 00:15:40,534 [People clapping] 330 00:15:42,037 --> 00:15:43,938 I love Doug heffernan. 331 00:15:45,573 --> 00:15:48,309 And I'd like all of you to love him, too. 332 00:15:49,544 --> 00:15:52,546 So tonight, when you hit your knees, 333 00:15:57,752 --> 00:15:59,886 please ask Carrie to love him. 334 00:16:08,629 --> 00:16:10,064 What the... 335 00:16:16,237 --> 00:16:18,172 ♪[Music playing on t.V.] 336 00:16:34,589 --> 00:16:36,123 [Cutlery rattling] 337 00:16:36,191 --> 00:16:37,791 [Slurping] 338 00:16:37,859 --> 00:16:41,261 I understand you've done some impressive work for brash and sassy. 339 00:16:41,329 --> 00:16:42,729 Thank you. 340 00:16:42,797 --> 00:16:45,399 But I'm sure you didn't call me here to tell me that. 341 00:16:45,467 --> 00:16:47,134 No. That's correct. 342 00:16:48,803 --> 00:16:50,304 Then what do you want? 343 00:16:52,173 --> 00:16:55,109 I want the formula for the anti-aging cream. 344 00:16:55,176 --> 00:16:57,744 Well, well, well. 345 00:16:57,812 --> 00:17:01,848 If it isn't my old friend Arthur spooner. 346 00:17:01,916 --> 00:17:05,719 Nikki Newman. We meet again. 347 00:17:05,786 --> 00:17:09,056 So sorry to eavesdrop, but I thought you should know 348 00:17:09,124 --> 00:17:12,359 that brash and sassy doesn't have an anti-ageing cream. 349 00:17:12,427 --> 00:17:14,495 That cream is my baby, 350 00:17:14,562 --> 00:17:17,864 and it's the exclusive property of jabot cosmetics. 351 00:17:24,605 --> 00:17:27,107 It feels so good to hold you. 352 00:17:27,175 --> 00:17:29,376 I miss you, Jack. 353 00:17:29,444 --> 00:17:33,347 I can't believe you have a little person growing inside of you, 354 00:17:33,415 --> 00:17:34,848 a little us. 355 00:17:35,816 --> 00:17:38,985 So what about Doug? 356 00:17:39,054 --> 00:17:40,820 Oh, to hell with Doug. 357 00:17:40,888 --> 00:17:43,323 He doesn't love me like you do. 358 00:17:43,391 --> 00:17:46,626 And he lied to me. He lied to me. 359 00:17:48,096 --> 00:17:49,363 Bastard. 360 00:17:49,431 --> 00:17:52,466 Oh, it's all right. It's all right. 361 00:17:53,401 --> 00:17:55,202 It's you I love, Jack. 362 00:17:56,204 --> 00:17:57,671 And I love you. 363 00:18:13,621 --> 00:18:14,721 No! 364 00:18:15,523 --> 00:18:17,357 Douglas, are you ok? 365 00:18:17,425 --> 00:18:19,226 I heard someone screaming like a bitch. 366 00:18:21,629 --> 00:18:23,363 I got to-- I got to talk to Carrie. 367 00:18:23,431 --> 00:18:25,966 I got to tell her I lied. You were right, Arthur. 368 00:18:26,033 --> 00:18:27,934 Of course I was right. Now, go to her, son. 369 00:18:28,002 --> 00:18:29,403 Tell her you're sorry. 370 00:18:29,471 --> 00:18:31,805 Tell her what she means to you. Go. 371 00:18:33,040 --> 00:18:35,309 Go! Can I put my pants on? 372 00:18:40,348 --> 00:18:42,082 (Carrie) Uh, excuse me, folks, 373 00:18:42,150 --> 00:18:46,086 if I can get you all to skooch on into the ballroom. 374 00:18:46,154 --> 00:18:48,955 Uh, people, key note address about to begin. 375 00:18:49,023 --> 00:18:51,024 Legal ethics in the new century. 376 00:18:51,092 --> 00:18:53,093 That shouldn't take too long, huh? 377 00:18:53,161 --> 00:18:54,861 Ok, come on, guys. 378 00:18:55,830 --> 00:18:56,896 (Carrie) Doug. 379 00:18:56,964 --> 00:18:58,064 What are you doing here? 380 00:18:58,133 --> 00:18:59,733 I had to talk to you. It's important. 381 00:18:59,800 --> 00:19:01,201 Is everything ok? Yeah, yeah. 382 00:19:01,269 --> 00:19:04,271 It's just that I gotta-- honey, you are still boiling. 383 00:19:04,339 --> 00:19:05,839 Go home. We can talk tonight. 384 00:19:05,906 --> 00:19:08,041 No, I have to talk to you now. 385 00:19:08,109 --> 00:19:09,409 Ok. All right. 386 00:19:09,477 --> 00:19:11,345 Let me, let me just go herd them into their pen 387 00:19:11,412 --> 00:19:14,981 and I'll be right back. Just wait at the bar. Go ahead. 388 00:19:15,049 --> 00:19:16,750 [People chattering on t.V.] 389 00:19:23,758 --> 00:19:25,058 (Announcer) And now we continue 390 00:19:25,126 --> 00:19:28,728 with our weekend-long honeymooners marathon 391 00:19:28,796 --> 00:19:30,631 ♪[music playing on t.V.] 392 00:19:34,735 --> 00:19:36,336 Jackie gleason. 393 00:19:37,872 --> 00:19:39,573 The honeymooners. 394 00:19:40,642 --> 00:19:42,342 So I lied to you, Carrie. 395 00:19:42,410 --> 00:19:45,345 The whole thing was one big stinking whopper. 396 00:19:47,982 --> 00:19:50,884 Well, ain't you going to say nothing? 397 00:19:50,951 --> 00:19:53,187 Well, Doug, it's great that you finally confessed. 398 00:19:53,254 --> 00:19:55,822 Just great. That explains where you were last night, 399 00:19:55,890 --> 00:19:57,457 out having a ball with your chums, 400 00:19:57,525 --> 00:20:00,527 but it doesn't explain something much more important. 401 00:20:00,595 --> 00:20:03,530 Why you didn't even think enough of me to tell me the truth. 402 00:20:03,598 --> 00:20:06,500 I wish you had an explanation for that. 403 00:20:06,568 --> 00:20:09,503 Oh, how I wish you had an explanation for that. 404 00:20:29,857 --> 00:20:30,790 [Sighs] 405 00:20:31,959 --> 00:20:34,228 I have got an explanation for it. 406 00:20:35,330 --> 00:20:37,331 I'm a mope. 407 00:20:37,398 --> 00:20:40,300 But I love you, sweetheart. Honest, I do. 408 00:20:41,869 --> 00:20:43,403 Oh, Doug. 409 00:20:43,471 --> 00:20:45,639 Baby, you're the greatest. 410 00:20:48,343 --> 00:20:52,446 Huh? What... Oh, I must've... I must've fell asleep. 411 00:20:52,513 --> 00:20:55,215 So what's so important? Why'd you come all the way down here? 412 00:20:55,283 --> 00:20:58,585 Well, because I need to tell you something. 413 00:20:58,653 --> 00:21:00,654 I... 414 00:21:00,722 --> 00:21:03,557 I didn't have to work late last night. 415 00:21:03,625 --> 00:21:04,958 I--I lied and I told you I did 416 00:21:05,025 --> 00:21:07,927 just so I could play mud football. 417 00:21:07,995 --> 00:21:11,765 I know you needed me here, and I--I really let you down. 418 00:21:11,832 --> 00:21:14,268 I'm a mope. 419 00:21:14,335 --> 00:21:18,872 But I love you, sweetheart. Honest, I do. 420 00:21:18,939 --> 00:21:22,309 You lied to me? You make me sick. 421 00:21:27,615 --> 00:21:29,383 You're the greatest. 422 00:21:32,186 --> 00:21:35,789 (Male narrator) Doug heffernan lied at the age of 35. 423 00:21:35,856 --> 00:21:37,991 He betrayed not only his father-in-law, 424 00:21:38,058 --> 00:21:40,761 but more importantly, the woman he loves. 425 00:21:40,828 --> 00:21:42,763 But when they think of him, 426 00:21:42,830 --> 00:21:44,964 it's not how he played mud football that they remember, 427 00:21:45,032 --> 00:21:48,468 but rather, how he lied, how he did lie. 30668