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1
00:00:04,003 --> 00:00:05,970
[Telephone ringing]
2
00:00:06,038 --> 00:00:07,105
Hello.
3
00:00:07,172 --> 00:00:09,007
Oh, hey, Arthur.
It's me, Doug.
4
00:00:09,074 --> 00:00:10,141
What can I
do you for?
5
00:00:10,209 --> 00:00:11,542
Actually,
I just called to check
6
00:00:11,610 --> 00:00:12,910
the messages
off of the machine.
7
00:00:12,978 --> 00:00:14,445
So hang up
and I'll call right back.
8
00:00:14,513 --> 00:00:15,679
Gotcha.
Ok.
9
00:00:20,752 --> 00:00:22,653
[Telephone ringing]
10
00:00:24,490 --> 00:00:25,923
Hello.
11
00:00:25,991 --> 00:00:29,060
Arthur, didn't I just ask you
not to pick up?
12
00:00:29,128 --> 00:00:30,261
No. You said
I should hang up
13
00:00:30,329 --> 00:00:32,863
and you'd call right back.
14
00:00:32,931 --> 00:00:35,699
Ok, what I meant was
I wanted the machine
to get it, not you.
15
00:00:35,767 --> 00:00:37,268
I'm trying to check
my messages.
16
00:00:37,336 --> 00:00:39,003
You want me to just
check 'em for you?
17
00:00:39,071 --> 00:00:40,571
No, no.
Thank you. No.
18
00:00:40,639 --> 00:00:42,907
Last time you did that
you erased all the messages
19
00:00:42,974 --> 00:00:45,643
and our outgoing messages
and unplugged the lamp.
20
00:00:47,546 --> 00:00:48,879
Just let it ring, ok?
21
00:00:48,947 --> 00:00:50,781
It's your world,
I just live in it.
22
00:00:56,488 --> 00:00:57,922
[Telephone ringing]
23
00:00:57,989 --> 00:00:59,424
Hello.
24
00:00:59,491 --> 00:01:01,025
Arthur, what did I just say?
25
00:01:01,093 --> 00:01:02,460
I'm sorry.
It's habit.
26
00:01:02,528 --> 00:01:04,328
Well, do me favor,
break the habit, ok?
27
00:01:04,396 --> 00:01:06,097
I'm running out of
freakin' change here.
28
00:01:06,165 --> 00:01:07,098
Fine.
29
00:01:13,272 --> 00:01:14,505
[Telephone ringing]
30
00:01:16,075 --> 00:01:17,641
Hello.
31
00:01:17,709 --> 00:01:20,511
Arthur, what is this?
Some kind of sick little joke?
32
00:01:20,579 --> 00:01:23,347
I'm sorry.
I've been answering
the phone my whole life.
33
00:01:23,415 --> 00:01:26,016
You're asking me
to undo 75 years
34
00:01:26,085 --> 00:01:27,651
of instinct in a moment.
35
00:01:27,719 --> 00:01:29,487
That is not easy!
36
00:01:29,555 --> 00:01:31,089
Just don't pick up!
37
00:01:31,156 --> 00:01:33,591
Fine. I'm going downstairs
to lie down.
38
00:01:33,658 --> 00:01:34,959
Well, thank you.
39
00:01:40,466 --> 00:01:41,966
[Telephone ringing]
40
00:01:43,502 --> 00:01:44,635
Hello.
41
00:01:44,703 --> 00:01:46,370
Arthur!
Oh, God!
42
00:01:46,438 --> 00:01:48,339
(Doug)What the hellis going on in your head
43
00:01:48,407 --> 00:01:51,942
that you keep doing this?I need to understand!
44
00:01:52,010 --> 00:01:54,812
♪ My eyesare gettin' weary ♪
45
00:01:54,879 --> 00:01:58,015
♪ my back is gettin' tight
46
00:01:58,083 --> 00:01:59,917
♪ I'm sittin' herein traffic ♪
47
00:01:59,985 --> 00:02:02,753
♪ on the queensboro bridgetonight ♪
48
00:02:02,821 --> 00:02:08,326
♪ but I don't care,'cause all I want to do ♪
49
00:02:08,393 --> 00:02:11,695
♪ is cash my checkand drive right home to you ♪
50
00:02:13,898 --> 00:02:15,899
♪ 'cause, baby, all my life
51
00:02:15,967 --> 00:02:19,036
♪ I will be drivin'home to you ♪
52
00:02:27,344 --> 00:02:28,778
(Carrie)
Baby, you ready?
53
00:02:30,614 --> 00:02:32,015
Let's hit it.
54
00:02:32,716 --> 00:02:34,017
Cowboy boots?
55
00:02:34,084 --> 00:02:36,452
That's right, ma'am.
56
00:02:36,520 --> 00:02:39,622
So, what, you gonna
go and rope yourself
a meatball sandwich?
57
00:02:39,690 --> 00:02:42,391
I like 'em, plus they were
on sale at thom mcan.
58
00:02:42,459 --> 00:02:44,226
Honey, just because
something is on sale,
59
00:02:44,294 --> 00:02:45,895
doesn't mean
you have to buy it.
60
00:02:45,963 --> 00:02:47,463
We discussed this
when you came home
61
00:02:47,531 --> 00:02:48,765
with the microscope.
62
00:02:49,767 --> 00:02:51,100
Now, go on.
Go change.
63
00:02:51,168 --> 00:02:53,369
Fine, I'll change,
but not 'cause of you.
64
00:02:53,437 --> 00:02:55,805
Only 'cause
they hurt like hell.
65
00:02:56,607 --> 00:02:58,407
[Telephone ringing]
66
00:03:00,243 --> 00:03:01,243
Hello?
67
00:03:01,311 --> 00:03:02,344
Hey, it's me.
68
00:03:02,412 --> 00:03:04,480
We were just about
out the door. What's up?
69
00:03:04,548 --> 00:03:07,183
I'm glad I caught you.
We're going to have
to cancel on you tonight.
70
00:03:07,250 --> 00:03:08,284
Oh, why?
71
00:03:08,351 --> 00:03:10,453
Deacon has
to work late again.
72
00:03:10,520 --> 00:03:12,789
Oh, that's crappy.
How about we
do something tomorrow?
73
00:03:12,856 --> 00:03:14,223
What about brunch
over here?
74
00:03:14,291 --> 00:03:15,424
I'll see you then.
Ok.
75
00:03:15,492 --> 00:03:17,060
Bye.
Bye.
76
00:03:17,127 --> 00:03:19,462
All right,
got my sneakers on.
77
00:03:19,529 --> 00:03:21,363
The spotlight's back
on your now. Happy?
78
00:03:22,967 --> 00:03:24,333
Kelly just called
and canceled.
79
00:03:24,401 --> 00:03:26,535
Deacon has to work
late tonight.
80
00:03:26,604 --> 00:03:27,637
Really?
81
00:03:28,371 --> 00:03:29,572
Hmm.
82
00:03:29,640 --> 00:03:31,407
So you wanna
just do take-out?
83
00:03:31,475 --> 00:03:32,775
All right.
How about Italian?
84
00:03:32,843 --> 00:03:34,110
Honey, how about
we do Chinese?
85
00:03:34,177 --> 00:03:36,245
You wanna try that new place,
tung shing house?
86
00:03:36,313 --> 00:03:38,447
You had me at tung.
87
00:03:44,722 --> 00:03:46,923
Hi, how you doin'?
Uh, my wife called in
an order.
88
00:03:46,991 --> 00:03:49,092
[British accent]
And what is your last name?
89
00:03:51,762 --> 00:03:53,295
Hello, sir.
90
00:03:53,363 --> 00:03:55,264
I'm--I'm sorry.
You just...
91
00:03:55,332 --> 00:03:57,634
You threw me with
the British thing there.
92
00:03:57,701 --> 00:03:58,901
I grew up
in Hong Kong.
93
00:03:58,969 --> 00:04:00,870
I apologize if I'm not
ethnic enough for you.
94
00:04:00,938 --> 00:04:02,739
Would you like me
to chink it up a little?
95
00:04:02,806 --> 00:04:04,607
Che-chi-Cho-
chee-chee-chi-Cho.
96
00:04:04,675 --> 00:04:05,708
No, no, no,
no, no.
97
00:04:05,776 --> 00:04:07,376
Please, it's no bother.
I'd love to.
98
00:04:07,444 --> 00:04:08,611
Hoy chee guy
ko Lee may Nai--
99
00:04:08,679 --> 00:04:10,013
no, no, no, no!
100
00:04:10,080 --> 00:04:11,480
The name's heffernan.
It's right there.
101
00:04:11,548 --> 00:04:12,581
Ah, $18.50.
102
00:04:12,650 --> 00:04:13,683
Ok.
103
00:04:14,685 --> 00:04:15,718
It'll be ready
in a moment.
104
00:04:15,786 --> 00:04:16,853
All right.
105
00:04:19,589 --> 00:04:20,757
Thanks.
106
00:04:22,492 --> 00:04:23,425
[Sighs]
107
00:04:27,965 --> 00:04:29,565
[People chattering]
108
00:04:37,941 --> 00:04:39,742
Hey, man!
109
00:04:39,810 --> 00:04:40,810
Hey!
110
00:04:40,878 --> 00:04:41,878
Hey.
111
00:04:41,945 --> 00:04:43,445
What's going on there,
chiefy?
112
00:04:43,513 --> 00:04:45,048
Nothing much.
Just, uh...
113
00:04:45,115 --> 00:04:46,382
Just having
some dinner.
114
00:04:46,449 --> 00:04:47,984
Dinner. Big fan.
115
00:04:48,052 --> 00:04:49,552
No secret there,
though, huh?
116
00:04:50,453 --> 00:04:52,121
(Deacon)
Right, right.
117
00:04:52,189 --> 00:04:54,290
So I thought you were--
so who's your friend here?
118
00:04:54,357 --> 00:04:55,357
(Deacon)
Uh...
119
00:04:55,425 --> 00:04:56,759
Doug, this is Angie.
120
00:04:56,827 --> 00:04:58,227
Hi, hi. How you doing?
121
00:04:58,295 --> 00:04:59,562
Nice to meet you.
122
00:04:59,629 --> 00:05:01,530
Deacon's told me
a lot about you.
123
00:05:01,598 --> 00:05:03,299
Has he? 'Cause, uh...
124
00:05:03,366 --> 00:05:05,768
He hasn't told me
that much about-- wha-- hmm?
125
00:05:05,836 --> 00:05:07,570
Oh, gosh. I guess
my order's ready.
126
00:05:07,637 --> 00:05:10,573
Ok, uh, I guess
I will see you tomorrow.
127
00:05:10,640 --> 00:05:12,374
I will see you
whenever or not.
128
00:05:12,442 --> 00:05:14,510
Either way, it was a plea--
ok. Comin'. Ok.
129
00:05:14,578 --> 00:05:16,312
I got to go.
All right.
130
00:05:21,085 --> 00:05:22,451
I know this looks
a little weird.
131
00:05:22,519 --> 00:05:24,353
No, no.
You're just pretending
to work late
132
00:05:24,421 --> 00:05:26,122
to meet with
your lovely vacation planner
133
00:05:26,190 --> 00:05:28,357
because you're going
to surprise Kelly
with a trip to oahu.
134
00:05:28,425 --> 00:05:29,425
No.
135
00:05:29,492 --> 00:05:30,526
Puerto Rico?
No.
136
00:05:30,594 --> 00:05:32,228
Amish country?
Give me amish country.
137
00:05:32,295 --> 00:05:33,830
No, man, no.
138
00:05:33,897 --> 00:05:35,865
Then what?
139
00:05:35,933 --> 00:05:37,433
It's what
it looks like, all right?
140
00:05:37,500 --> 00:05:38,567
I can't believe this, man.
141
00:05:38,635 --> 00:05:39,869
[Chinese accent]
American g.I.,
142
00:05:39,937 --> 00:05:42,038
your "a" number one
good time order ready.
143
00:05:43,573 --> 00:05:45,641
That's enough of that, ok?
I get it.
144
00:05:45,709 --> 00:05:47,744
Look, I should get back.
145
00:05:47,811 --> 00:05:48,978
Just be cool about this,
146
00:05:49,046 --> 00:05:50,880
and I promise
we'll talk tomorrow, ok?
147
00:05:50,948 --> 00:05:52,448
We'll talk tomorrow.
148
00:05:56,486 --> 00:05:58,788
You call this
a family restaurant.
149
00:06:02,592 --> 00:06:04,426
(Arthur)
So I looked her
square in the eyes
150
00:06:04,494 --> 00:06:07,429
and said, "ma'am,
you are undoubtedly
151
00:06:07,497 --> 00:06:09,766
the most fetching woman
in all of shreveport."
152
00:06:09,833 --> 00:06:10,833
[Laughing]
153
00:06:10,901 --> 00:06:12,568
And what did she say?
154
00:06:12,636 --> 00:06:13,903
My good sir,
155
00:06:13,971 --> 00:06:16,105
I do believe you've given me
the vapors.
156
00:06:16,173 --> 00:06:17,106
[Laughing]
157
00:06:18,242 --> 00:06:20,609
Nice. Then what happened?
158
00:06:20,677 --> 00:06:22,578
I knocked the barbecue
out of her hand,
159
00:06:22,646 --> 00:06:23,980
bent her over
the porch railing,
160
00:06:24,047 --> 00:06:26,115
and said, "I'll give you
more than vapors, you--"
161
00:06:26,183 --> 00:06:27,283
ok, enough!
162
00:06:31,554 --> 00:06:33,756
Charming story
gone very wrong.
163
00:06:35,659 --> 00:06:37,426
What's going on
with you two over there?
164
00:06:38,561 --> 00:06:40,062
I'm fine.
165
00:06:40,130 --> 00:06:41,831
You haven't eaten
a thing.
166
00:06:41,899 --> 00:06:43,632
Yeah, you know what?
I'm--I'm really not--
I'm not hungry.
167
00:06:43,700 --> 00:06:44,700
What?
168
00:06:47,737 --> 00:06:49,471
I'm not hungry.
That allowed?
169
00:06:49,539 --> 00:06:50,606
It's allowed.
170
00:06:50,674 --> 00:06:53,075
Just never heard
you say it.
171
00:06:53,143 --> 00:06:54,543
And what's your story?
172
00:06:54,611 --> 00:06:57,146
Uh, nothing.
Just... just tired.
173
00:06:57,214 --> 00:06:59,515
Well, if you could
tell your boss
maybe one time
174
00:06:59,582 --> 00:07:01,083
that you
can't work late.
175
00:07:01,151 --> 00:07:02,551
It doesn't work
that way.
176
00:07:02,619 --> 00:07:04,586
(Kelly)
Well, why is it always
you that has to stay?
177
00:07:04,654 --> 00:07:05,822
How should I know?
178
00:07:05,889 --> 00:07:08,324
Well, I'd say
it's pretty damn clear why.
179
00:07:08,391 --> 00:07:09,525
You got some crap work,
180
00:07:09,592 --> 00:07:12,728
give it
to the colored guy.
181
00:07:12,796 --> 00:07:14,997
There's nothing going on
at work. Now drop it.
182
00:07:15,065 --> 00:07:17,066
Sure. Why not drop it?
183
00:07:17,134 --> 00:07:18,400
By the way,
how's the weather
184
00:07:18,468 --> 00:07:20,602
in the town of young,
white male-ville, huh?
185
00:07:22,039 --> 00:07:24,340
Oh, for God's sakes,
everyone has to work late.
186
00:07:24,407 --> 00:07:25,842
I work late all the time.
187
00:07:25,909 --> 00:07:26,943
No, you don't.
188
00:07:27,010 --> 00:07:28,177
Sure, I do.
189
00:07:28,245 --> 00:07:30,446
When?
190
00:07:30,513 --> 00:07:33,615
Actually, I have to work late
this coming Thursday.
191
00:07:33,683 --> 00:07:34,851
Now, can we please,
192
00:07:34,918 --> 00:07:36,385
in the sweet name
of all that is holy
193
00:07:36,453 --> 00:07:37,553
talk about something else?
194
00:07:37,620 --> 00:07:39,055
Arthur, you were
saying a story.
195
00:07:39,122 --> 00:07:41,090
You had her
bent over the railing.
Then what happened?
196
00:07:41,158 --> 00:07:43,125
No, no, no.
Wait a second.
197
00:07:43,193 --> 00:07:46,295
I thought you had
Knicks tickets for Thursday?
198
00:07:46,363 --> 00:07:48,497
I do. I guess I just won't
be able to use them.
199
00:07:48,565 --> 00:07:49,598
Can I have 'em?
200
00:07:51,835 --> 00:07:53,135
Yes, you may.
201
00:07:53,203 --> 00:07:54,203
Sweet diggedy!
202
00:07:54,271 --> 00:07:55,905
Oh, crap.
203
00:07:55,973 --> 00:07:58,274
Honey,
would you do me a favor
and grab me a sponge?
204
00:07:58,342 --> 00:08:00,509
Yeah. You know what, deac.
Why don't you give me a hand
205
00:08:00,577 --> 00:08:02,578
in case the sponge
is...Up high.
206
00:08:03,480 --> 00:08:04,780
You got it.
207
00:08:07,918 --> 00:08:10,219
All right, you said
you'd talk to me today,
so talk to me.
208
00:08:10,287 --> 00:08:11,653
What's up?
What's going on?
209
00:08:11,721 --> 00:08:13,122
Angie's an old friend
from high school.
210
00:08:13,190 --> 00:08:15,358
I hadn't seen her since,
but then she e-mailed me
211
00:08:15,425 --> 00:08:16,825
a couple
of months ago, you know?
212
00:08:16,894 --> 00:08:18,928
"How you doing?
What's going on?"
213
00:08:18,996 --> 00:08:20,629
I e-mailed her back,
214
00:08:20,697 --> 00:08:22,331
and things kind of
took off from there.
215
00:08:22,399 --> 00:08:24,400
What did you go
and e-mail her back for?
216
00:08:24,467 --> 00:08:27,236
There are plenty
of other things to do
on the Internet.
217
00:08:27,304 --> 00:08:30,706
You can get
your gambling, your porn...
218
00:08:30,774 --> 00:08:32,341
All the other stuff.
219
00:08:32,409 --> 00:08:34,143
It's just that...
220
00:08:37,314 --> 00:08:39,581
Angie and I
really connect, you know?
221
00:08:39,649 --> 00:08:40,849
We can talk.
222
00:08:40,918 --> 00:08:42,484
With Kelly lately,
223
00:08:42,552 --> 00:08:44,954
she's got her things goin' on,
I got my things,
224
00:08:45,022 --> 00:08:47,623
and more and more
it just seems like
our things are different.
225
00:08:47,690 --> 00:08:49,658
Put your things
that are different together.
226
00:08:49,726 --> 00:08:52,995
They did it with
the Reese's peanut butter cup,
and it was a huge success.
227
00:08:53,063 --> 00:08:55,231
Douglas, quick question.
What is it, Arthur?
228
00:08:55,299 --> 00:08:57,233
Can I grab those
knick tickets from you now?
229
00:08:57,301 --> 00:08:59,101
I'll give 'em to you later.
230
00:08:59,169 --> 00:09:01,103
What if I don't
see you later?
231
00:09:01,171 --> 00:09:03,605
You live in our basement.
I will see you.
232
00:09:03,673 --> 00:09:04,807
Give me a time.
233
00:09:04,874 --> 00:09:05,908
Oh, my God.
234
00:09:05,976 --> 00:09:08,710
3:00.
a.m. or P.M.?
235
00:09:08,778 --> 00:09:12,114
If it's a.m., I need
to move some things around.
236
00:09:12,182 --> 00:09:13,615
Will you just leave us alone?
237
00:09:13,683 --> 00:09:14,616
Fine!
238
00:09:17,120 --> 00:09:18,620
Why didn't you tell me?
239
00:09:18,688 --> 00:09:21,857
I haven't told anyone.
I'm not exactly proud of it.
240
00:09:21,925 --> 00:09:23,826
Doug, honey, I think
you misunderstood.
241
00:09:23,893 --> 00:09:26,929
I meant the indoor sponge,
not the outdoor sponge.
242
00:09:26,997 --> 00:09:29,798
I was, uh, just talking
to deac about my, uh...
243
00:09:29,866 --> 00:09:32,401
Uh, Roy orbison
collectible plate.
244
00:09:32,469 --> 00:09:33,802
(Deacon)
Yeah, yeah.
245
00:09:33,870 --> 00:09:35,137
D-Doug was saying
how it may
246
00:09:35,205 --> 00:09:37,106
or may not
increase in value.
247
00:09:38,108 --> 00:09:40,809
I hope it increases.
248
00:09:40,877 --> 00:09:43,012
All right, well,
my ears are about to snap off.
249
00:09:43,080 --> 00:09:44,613
I'm gonna
head back inside.
250
00:09:44,681 --> 00:09:46,849
Honey, you're getting
a snotsicle.
251
00:09:49,552 --> 00:09:50,987
Look, we better
get back in there.
252
00:09:51,054 --> 00:09:53,155
L-look, I hate to put you
in this position, man,
253
00:09:53,223 --> 00:09:55,691
but please, just be cool
for a little while longer, ok?
254
00:09:55,758 --> 00:09:56,892
All right.
255
00:09:56,960 --> 00:09:58,927
Look, I got ranger tickets
for next month.
256
00:09:58,996 --> 00:10:00,896
Don't blow that for me.
257
00:10:04,433 --> 00:10:05,866
All right you guys,
thanks again.
258
00:10:05,934 --> 00:10:07,234
It was great.
259
00:10:07,303 --> 00:10:09,304
Let's do
a movie this week.
Yeah, I'll call you.
260
00:10:09,371 --> 00:10:11,306
Ok. Whoo!
Good people.
261
00:10:11,373 --> 00:10:12,707
Nice people.
262
00:10:12,775 --> 00:10:15,476
Solid people.
263
00:10:15,544 --> 00:10:16,544
[Grunts]
264
00:10:16,612 --> 00:10:19,414
Doug, honey,
do I strike you as stupid?
265
00:10:19,481 --> 00:10:21,716
And/or unaware?
266
00:10:21,784 --> 00:10:25,019
Nope. You are
sharp as a ginsu, pretty girl.
267
00:10:25,086 --> 00:10:26,921
So then what's going on?
268
00:10:26,988 --> 00:10:28,155
Not a thing.
269
00:10:30,258 --> 00:10:33,127
Are you enjoying
that issue of Marie Claire?
270
00:10:34,029 --> 00:10:35,530
Yes, I am.
271
00:10:35,597 --> 00:10:37,332
By the way, I know
you're staring at me,
272
00:10:37,399 --> 00:10:40,234
and it doesn't
bother me a bit.
273
00:10:40,302 --> 00:10:43,304
Stare all you want.
There's nothing goin' on.
274
00:10:43,372 --> 00:10:46,574
In fact,
what's going on
with you?
275
00:10:46,642 --> 00:10:48,743
Yeah, maybe there's
something going on with you.
276
00:10:48,811 --> 00:10:51,846
Maybe I should stare
right back at you.
How would that feel, huh?
277
00:10:59,488 --> 00:11:00,955
Eyes off!
278
00:11:02,924 --> 00:11:04,525
All right, so let me
think about this.
279
00:11:04,593 --> 00:11:06,060
You've been
acting strange
280
00:11:06,127 --> 00:11:08,629
ever since you came home
from the restaurant
last night.
281
00:11:08,697 --> 00:11:11,866
Did--did something
happen there?
282
00:11:11,933 --> 00:11:14,769
Maybe, but I'm not
at liberty to discuss it.
283
00:11:16,004 --> 00:11:17,705
Did what happen
involve Deacon?
284
00:11:17,773 --> 00:11:21,542
Because you guys
have been acting
very weird this morning.
285
00:11:21,610 --> 00:11:24,211
Perhaps, but once again,
not at liberty.
286
00:11:26,114 --> 00:11:27,948
And you just got
those knick tickets,
287
00:11:28,016 --> 00:11:30,685
so I know you're
not really working late.
288
00:11:30,753 --> 00:11:34,021
Was Deacon really
working late last night,
289
00:11:34,089 --> 00:11:35,590
or were you, like,
covering for him?
290
00:11:35,657 --> 00:11:37,558
Ok, do you understand
the concept
291
00:11:37,626 --> 00:11:39,761
of "not at liberty"?
292
00:11:39,828 --> 00:11:41,262
If you called liberty
right now,
293
00:11:41,329 --> 00:11:43,798
I wouldn't be there.
294
00:11:43,866 --> 00:11:45,533
When you picked up
the food last night,
295
00:11:45,601 --> 00:11:48,168
did you--did you see
Deacon there?
296
00:11:48,236 --> 00:11:50,638
With another woman?
297
00:11:50,706 --> 00:11:54,008
Yes, but that's all
you're getting out of me.
298
00:11:54,075 --> 00:11:57,244
Oh, my God.
He's having an affair?
299
00:11:57,312 --> 00:11:59,547
You did not
hear that from me, ok?
If it ever comes up,
300
00:11:59,615 --> 00:12:01,816
you heard it from
a British Chinese guy.
301
00:12:03,786 --> 00:12:06,788
Kelly is gonna be
so devastated.
302
00:12:06,855 --> 00:12:09,290
Oh, you're not planning
on telling Kelly?
303
00:12:09,357 --> 00:12:12,159
Doug, the man
is running around
behind her back
304
00:12:12,227 --> 00:12:14,462
she has a right to know.
She's my best friend.
305
00:12:14,530 --> 00:12:15,830
Well,
he's my best friend,
306
00:12:15,898 --> 00:12:17,565
and I promised
I wouldn't say anything.
307
00:12:17,633 --> 00:12:20,134
Well, tough! Doug,
I can't look her in the eyes
and not tell her.
308
00:12:20,201 --> 00:12:23,237
So don't look at her eyes.
Look at her breasts.
That's what I do!
309
00:12:24,139 --> 00:12:25,406
Doug, listen to me.
310
00:12:25,474 --> 00:12:27,174
Hon, I know
this is tough on you,
311
00:12:27,242 --> 00:12:28,543
but it's tough
on me, too.
312
00:12:28,610 --> 00:12:30,578
I'm sorry. If Deacon
doesn't tell Kelly,
313
00:12:30,646 --> 00:12:32,179
I'm gonna have to.
314
00:12:33,348 --> 00:12:34,381
There you are.
315
00:12:34,450 --> 00:12:35,817
Look, we, uh,
we need to talk.
316
00:12:35,884 --> 00:12:37,618
Yeah, I--I kinda need
to talk to you, too.
317
00:12:37,686 --> 00:12:39,754
What's up?
Man, I couldn't even
sleep last night.
318
00:12:39,822 --> 00:12:42,590
I don't know, man,
I--I just feel
like I--I really--
319
00:12:44,259 --> 00:12:46,694
hey, bergin,
why don't you go
take that dog for a walk, huh?
320
00:12:46,762 --> 00:12:49,396
Yeah, goodbye.
Goodbye.
321
00:12:49,465 --> 00:12:50,731
All right, go ahead.
322
00:12:50,799 --> 00:12:52,733
I--I just feel like
I screwed up so bad, man.
323
00:12:52,801 --> 00:12:54,335
And now I'm dragging
you into this.
324
00:12:54,402 --> 00:12:56,471
I'm gonna pay you
for those knick tickets,
all right?
325
00:12:56,538 --> 00:12:58,339
You shut up. You think
I care about those, huh?
326
00:12:58,406 --> 00:13:00,240
They were a gift
from Carrie's boss.
327
00:13:00,308 --> 00:13:01,308
Right. Sorry.
328
00:13:01,376 --> 00:13:02,777
Although they're worth
like, $160.
329
00:13:02,845 --> 00:13:05,446
So if you want
to toss me something,
that's your call. Whatever.
330
00:13:05,514 --> 00:13:08,449
I gotta tell you, I did a lot
of thinking last night and...
331
00:13:08,517 --> 00:13:09,450
[Sighing]
332
00:13:12,855 --> 00:13:14,856
[Doug grumbling]
333
00:13:16,992 --> 00:13:18,459
And what?
334
00:13:18,527 --> 00:13:20,495
I'm definitely gonna
break things off with Angie.
335
00:13:20,562 --> 00:13:21,829
Excellent idea.
That's it, man.
336
00:13:21,897 --> 00:13:23,764
You break things off
with Angie.
337
00:13:23,832 --> 00:13:26,200
You tell Kelly,
and everything's back
to ham and eggs.
338
00:13:26,267 --> 00:13:28,435
Tell Kelly? Uh-uh.
No, no, no. No way, man.
339
00:13:28,504 --> 00:13:30,337
Why not? I think
you're gonna be surprised.
340
00:13:30,405 --> 00:13:32,272
She has
very kind eyes.
341
00:13:32,340 --> 00:13:34,008
Yo, she's hit me
with a frying pan,
342
00:13:34,075 --> 00:13:35,543
and it ain't like
in cartoons, man.
343
00:13:35,611 --> 00:13:36,844
That sucker hurts.
344
00:13:36,912 --> 00:13:38,445
You know what?
Let me come at this
345
00:13:38,514 --> 00:13:40,214
from a slightly
different angle.
346
00:13:40,281 --> 00:13:42,617
Carrie knows,
and if you don't tell Kelly,
she will.
347
00:13:42,684 --> 00:13:44,284
You told Carrie?
348
00:13:44,352 --> 00:13:45,419
I can't believe you,
man!
349
00:13:45,487 --> 00:13:47,454
I didn't tell her.
She got it out of me.
350
00:13:47,523 --> 00:13:48,523
How, Doug?
351
00:13:48,590 --> 00:13:50,090
She stared at me.
352
00:13:50,158 --> 00:13:52,560
Y-y-you just couldn't keep
your mouth shut, could you?
353
00:13:52,628 --> 00:13:53,628
You know
what you are?
354
00:13:53,695 --> 00:13:55,129
You're a yenteh.
I am not a yenteh.
355
00:13:55,196 --> 00:13:56,363
Yes, you are.
Yenteh, yenteh--
356
00:13:56,431 --> 00:13:57,698
why are you
giving me grief?
357
00:13:57,766 --> 00:13:59,901
You're the one sleeping
with someone
who's not your wife!
358
00:13:59,968 --> 00:14:02,269
What are you talking about?
I--I never slept with Angie.
359
00:14:02,337 --> 00:14:03,437
What?
360
00:14:03,505 --> 00:14:04,972
I never slept with her.
361
00:14:05,040 --> 00:14:07,307
I--I mean, I'm not sure
what would have happened,
362
00:14:07,375 --> 00:14:09,744
but so far, all we've done
is meet for dinner, you know?
363
00:14:09,811 --> 00:14:10,878
Talk.
364
00:14:10,946 --> 00:14:12,179
Guy, am I crazy,
365
00:14:12,247 --> 00:14:15,082
or is that not
the kind of information
you lead with?
366
00:14:15,150 --> 00:14:18,318
I guess what I figured
what I was doing
was still kinda cheating.
367
00:14:18,386 --> 00:14:20,888
No, it's not,
you big dumb ox.
368
00:14:20,956 --> 00:14:22,423
It's not that bad
at all.
369
00:14:22,490 --> 00:14:24,058
Now you tell Kelly.
I'll tell Carrie.
370
00:14:24,125 --> 00:14:25,459
We can get on
with our lives.
371
00:14:25,527 --> 00:14:26,827
There.
372
00:14:26,895 --> 00:14:29,196
We just cheated more
than you ever did.
373
00:14:31,332 --> 00:14:32,299
(Doug)
Carrie!
374
00:14:32,367 --> 00:14:33,300
In here!
375
00:14:35,203 --> 00:14:36,637
Great news,
my little chickie.
376
00:14:36,705 --> 00:14:38,940
Turns out deac is not cheating
with that woman.
377
00:14:39,007 --> 00:14:40,140
What? What do you mean?
378
00:14:40,208 --> 00:14:41,709
Just what I said.
He's not cheating.
379
00:14:41,777 --> 00:14:43,077
He's had
as much sex with her
380
00:14:43,144 --> 00:14:45,112
as I've had
with your dad.
381
00:14:45,180 --> 00:14:47,214
And that's none.
382
00:14:47,282 --> 00:14:49,216
But you saw them
in the restaurant together.
383
00:14:49,284 --> 00:14:51,351
If they weren't
having an affair,
what was going on?
384
00:14:51,419 --> 00:14:52,987
They just meet
for dinner. They eat,
385
00:14:53,055 --> 00:14:54,221
they talk,
they connect.
386
00:14:54,289 --> 00:14:55,422
And does Kelly know?
387
00:14:55,490 --> 00:14:56,557
No.
388
00:14:56,625 --> 00:14:57,658
Then he's still cheating.
389
00:14:57,726 --> 00:14:58,726
No, he's not!
390
00:14:58,794 --> 00:15:00,027
Yes, he is.
391
00:15:00,095 --> 00:15:02,296
Doug, the man is
lying to his wife,
392
00:15:02,363 --> 00:15:04,198
sneaking around
with another woman,
393
00:15:04,265 --> 00:15:07,267
sharing intimate feelings.
That is cheating!
394
00:15:07,335 --> 00:15:08,869
No, it isn't!
Yes, it is!
395
00:15:08,937 --> 00:15:10,571
No. You got to be
naked to cheat.
396
00:15:10,639 --> 00:15:11,839
Wrong!
397
00:15:11,907 --> 00:15:14,141
So you're telling me,
if I met a woman,
398
00:15:14,209 --> 00:15:16,043
and then we went out
for a dinner or two,
399
00:15:16,111 --> 00:15:18,746
and then say I forgot
to tell you about it, right?
400
00:15:18,814 --> 00:15:20,180
I would be cheating?
Yes!
401
00:15:20,248 --> 00:15:21,782
Really? And that would be
just as bad
402
00:15:21,850 --> 00:15:23,183
as if I actually
slept with her?
403
00:15:23,251 --> 00:15:24,418
Yes!
404
00:15:25,087 --> 00:15:26,453
Good to know.
405
00:15:28,556 --> 00:15:29,890
That's great.
406
00:15:29,958 --> 00:15:31,826
That's really great, Doug.
Make your stupid little jokes,
407
00:15:31,893 --> 00:15:34,629
but I got to tell you,
I am stunned
408
00:15:34,696 --> 00:15:36,330
that on something
as important
409
00:15:36,397 --> 00:15:39,500
as the meaning
of marriage and commitment,
410
00:15:39,567 --> 00:15:41,201
that we would be
so far apart.
411
00:15:41,269 --> 00:15:42,670
Yeah, well,
we are, my friend.
412
00:15:42,738 --> 00:15:44,571
You're way over there,
and I'm way over here.
413
00:15:44,640 --> 00:15:45,806
Hello.
414
00:15:47,375 --> 00:15:48,575
Oh, shut up.
415
00:15:48,644 --> 00:15:49,710
[Doorbell ringing]
416
00:15:49,778 --> 00:15:50,911
I'll get it.
417
00:15:50,979 --> 00:15:52,046
What do you want
for dinner?
418
00:15:52,114 --> 00:15:53,514
I don't care!
419
00:15:56,351 --> 00:15:57,451
Deac,
what's going on, man?
420
00:15:57,519 --> 00:15:58,819
I told Kelly,
and you know what?
421
00:15:58,887 --> 00:16:00,621
You were wrong.
It is as bad as cheating.
422
00:16:00,689 --> 00:16:03,991
I know. I'm in the middle
of the same argument.
423
00:16:04,059 --> 00:16:06,193
She threw you out?
Yeah.
424
00:16:06,261 --> 00:16:07,695
With no shoes?
Yeah.
425
00:16:07,763 --> 00:16:08,829
And as hard as it is
426
00:16:08,897 --> 00:16:10,131
to get a cab
as a black man,
427
00:16:10,198 --> 00:16:11,298
imagine trying to get one
428
00:16:11,366 --> 00:16:12,499
as a black man
with no shoes.
429
00:16:16,304 --> 00:16:17,872
Hey, Carrie.
430
00:16:17,939 --> 00:16:19,239
What does he want?
431
00:16:19,307 --> 00:16:22,442
Easy, ok? He's been
tossed out. Shoeless.
432
00:16:22,510 --> 00:16:24,111
I have nothing
to say to him
433
00:16:24,179 --> 00:16:25,913
or you or anybody else
434
00:16:25,981 --> 00:16:27,715
on this whole
sickening subject.
435
00:16:27,783 --> 00:16:28,883
Excuse me.
436
00:16:32,154 --> 00:16:33,220
Sit down, man.
437
00:16:33,288 --> 00:16:34,955
Y-you're sure
it's ok?
438
00:16:35,023 --> 00:16:36,991
(Carrie)
No, it is not ok!
439
00:16:38,060 --> 00:16:39,193
Hey, you know what?
440
00:16:39,260 --> 00:16:40,695
I figured out
what I want for dinner.
441
00:16:40,762 --> 00:16:43,363
A nice, hot bowl
of shut-it stew!
442
00:16:50,371 --> 00:16:52,139
(Carrie)
Does he know
that he has a baby?
443
00:16:52,207 --> 00:16:53,607
Ha! You know what?
I'm sorry.
444
00:16:53,675 --> 00:16:55,009
I've had
shut-it stew before,
445
00:16:55,077 --> 00:16:57,611
and it sure as diddly
didn't taste like that!
446
00:17:00,615 --> 00:17:02,883
Hey, man,
maybe you better stay
in a motel tonight.
447
00:17:02,951 --> 00:17:05,019
Yeah. No, wait.
Kelly kicked me out
without my wallet.
448
00:17:05,087 --> 00:17:06,353
Can you lend me
a few bucks?
449
00:17:06,421 --> 00:17:07,788
Oh, yeah,
no problem.
450
00:17:07,856 --> 00:17:10,191
(Carrie)
Do not give him money!
451
00:17:10,258 --> 00:17:11,525
Why not?
452
00:17:11,593 --> 00:17:14,595
(Carrie)
Because it's half mine,
and I don't want you to.
453
00:17:14,662 --> 00:17:16,831
Well, fine, then I'll just
give him twice as much
454
00:17:16,898 --> 00:17:18,365
from my half!
455
00:17:21,669 --> 00:17:22,937
And you know what?
456
00:17:23,004 --> 00:17:24,538
I'll drive him
to the motel myself
457
00:17:24,606 --> 00:17:26,707
in my half of the car!
Come on, man.
458
00:17:28,543 --> 00:17:29,810
Fine, and while
you're gone,
459
00:17:29,878 --> 00:17:31,979
I'm gonna bake you
a nice, warm, flaky
460
00:17:32,047 --> 00:17:35,482
my-leg-in-your-ass-
up-to-my-knee pie
for dessert.
461
00:17:36,484 --> 00:17:38,318
That was such a reach.
462
00:17:43,625 --> 00:17:46,093
[Cupboards slamming]
463
00:17:46,161 --> 00:17:47,527
What is
the huge ruckus here?
464
00:17:47,595 --> 00:17:48,729
It's all a man
can do to take
465
00:17:48,797 --> 00:17:51,132
a simple 4-hour nap.
466
00:17:51,199 --> 00:17:53,667
I'm--I'm sorry, dad.
It's--it's Doug.
467
00:17:53,735 --> 00:17:56,003
He's just got me so...
Gosh!
468
00:17:56,071 --> 00:17:57,104
What happened?
469
00:17:57,172 --> 00:17:58,338
Ok, ok.
470
00:17:58,406 --> 00:18:00,141
Let me ask you
a question.
471
00:18:00,208 --> 00:18:04,411
If someone is married
and then sneaks around
472
00:18:04,479 --> 00:18:05,946
and has dinner
with another person
473
00:18:06,014 --> 00:18:09,383
even though
they are not sleeping
with that other person,
474
00:18:09,450 --> 00:18:11,518
would you say
that that was wrong?
475
00:18:11,586 --> 00:18:13,287
Look, darling,
I know Douglas isn't
476
00:18:13,354 --> 00:18:15,589
the most physically
attractive man in the world,
477
00:18:15,657 --> 00:18:18,358
but I beg you
478
00:18:18,426 --> 00:18:20,694
not to jump ship
just yet.
479
00:18:20,762 --> 00:18:22,562
Now, I have
a book downstairs
480
00:18:22,630 --> 00:18:24,932
of special positions
for the overweight
481
00:18:25,000 --> 00:18:26,600
that I think...
482
00:18:28,303 --> 00:18:30,871
I think it could be
a big help.
483
00:18:30,939 --> 00:18:33,107
I am not talking
about me.
484
00:18:33,175 --> 00:18:35,843
I am talking
about a friend.
485
00:18:35,911 --> 00:18:38,412
And, uh,
is that friend you?
486
00:18:40,348 --> 00:18:42,016
No, it's not.
487
00:18:42,083 --> 00:18:44,651
It's... it's Kelly.
488
00:18:45,720 --> 00:18:49,190
And are you "Kelly"?
489
00:18:49,257 --> 00:18:51,425
Dad, you don't have
to give Kelly air quotes
490
00:18:51,492 --> 00:18:52,827
you know her.
491
00:18:52,894 --> 00:18:54,061
Oh, my God!
492
00:18:54,129 --> 00:18:55,495
How dare she cheat
on that boy
493
00:18:55,563 --> 00:18:56,831
while he's out
working late
494
00:18:56,898 --> 00:18:59,566
to pay for her
fancy creams and powders!
495
00:19:01,269 --> 00:19:04,939
She's not
doing anything. He is.
496
00:19:05,006 --> 00:19:06,773
Oh, and then
Doug covers for him,
497
00:19:06,842 --> 00:19:08,209
and like
that's not bad enough,
498
00:19:08,276 --> 00:19:10,110
he comes home tonight
all lit up and happy,
499
00:19:10,178 --> 00:19:11,578
because, as it turns out,
500
00:19:11,646 --> 00:19:14,815
Deacon hasn't slept
with this skankola, yet.
501
00:19:14,883 --> 00:19:17,852
Like we should all
give him some fat,
freakin' award for that.
502
00:19:17,919 --> 00:19:19,386
I told Doug
he was wrong,
503
00:19:19,454 --> 00:19:21,621
and I'm just...
I'm so mad at him.
504
00:19:21,689 --> 00:19:23,324
[Chuckling]
505
00:19:23,391 --> 00:19:24,558
You're not mad at him.
506
00:19:24,625 --> 00:19:26,193
Uh, trust me. I am.
507
00:19:26,261 --> 00:19:27,895
No, no, honey.
508
00:19:27,963 --> 00:19:30,998
You see, you and Doug
look to Deacon and Kelly
509
00:19:31,066 --> 00:19:33,200
as an example
of a perfect couple.
510
00:19:33,268 --> 00:19:37,571
Now that their
supposedly solid marriage
is in trouble
511
00:19:37,638 --> 00:19:39,439
you start to wonder.
512
00:19:39,507 --> 00:19:41,942
Who's to say
yours isn't next?
513
00:19:43,311 --> 00:19:45,679
You're not angry, cookie.
514
00:19:45,747 --> 00:19:47,147
You're scared.
515
00:19:49,184 --> 00:19:52,987
Wow, dad.
That was a remarkably lucid
thing to say.
516
00:19:54,389 --> 00:19:56,390
Well, I'm coming
right out of a nap.
517
00:20:18,079 --> 00:20:20,847
[Siren wailing in distance]
518
00:20:54,049 --> 00:20:54,982
[Bed creaks]
519
00:20:58,686 --> 00:20:59,686
You're home.
520
00:21:01,522 --> 00:21:03,190
Yeah. I'm home.
521
00:21:05,226 --> 00:21:06,160
[Sighs]
522
00:21:30,452 --> 00:21:31,618
[Telephone ringing]
523
00:21:34,990 --> 00:21:36,623
(Carrie)You've reached the heffernans.
524
00:21:36,691 --> 00:21:38,158
We're not hereto take your call,
525
00:21:38,226 --> 00:21:39,259
so leave a message.
526
00:21:39,327 --> 00:21:40,361
[Telephone beeps]
527
00:21:40,428 --> 00:21:42,096
(Doug)Arthur, are you there?
528
00:21:42,163 --> 00:21:44,398
Arthur, I just left the housea few seconds ago
529
00:21:44,466 --> 00:21:46,266
and you were there.Pick up.
530
00:21:46,334 --> 00:21:49,703
Oh, no. I'm not falling
for your games, big boy.
531
00:21:49,770 --> 00:21:50,770
Come on. Pick up.
532
00:21:50,838 --> 00:21:52,072
I think I left the oven on
533
00:21:52,140 --> 00:21:54,174
and the pilot lightis broken.
534
00:21:54,942 --> 00:21:56,110
No sale!
535
00:21:56,177 --> 00:21:57,844
Arthur!
536
00:21:57,912 --> 00:21:58,979
Arthur,come on, man!
537
00:21:59,047 --> 00:22:00,881
I know you're there!Pick up the damn phone!
538
00:22:02,683 --> 00:22:05,352
Pick up the phone,old man!
38292
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