All language subtitles for The King of Queens - S03E12 - Wedding Presence (1080p x265 EDGE2020)-ing

♪ My eyes
are gettin' weary ♪

♪ my back is gettin' tight

♪ I'm sitting here
in traffic ♪

♪ on the queensboro bridge
tonight ♪

♪ but I don't care,
'cause all I want to do ♪

♪ is cash my check
and drive right home to you ♪

♪ 'cause, baby, all my life

♪ I will be drivin'
home to you ♪

I can't get this stupid
ketchup packet open.

Just tear
on the little dotted line.

The dotted line
means nothing.

It's like the "door close"
button on an elevator,

it's all show.

Here. Give it to me.

There you go.

Thanks.
I need about 12 more.

Well, he's right.

There's not a lot of ketchup
in one of these bad boys.

Thank you.

They should be bigger.
Like the size of a pillow.

Yeah. Or like a mattress.

How cool would that be,
like sleeping on ketchup?

[Doug and Deacon exclaiming]

Ok, can we talk about
something other than ketchup?

We're paying a sitter
$7 an hour.

(Lisa)
Oh, my God.
Hey, you guys.

(All)
Hey!

Guy and Lisa! Hi!

Look at this little
parkside apartments reunion.

What's up, man?

Oh, nada much.
Nada much.

I miss you.
I haven't seen you in forever.

I know.

I totally understand.
I know how busy you guys are.

You two are so hard
to get a hold of.

Actually, I do
owe you a call.
Yes, you're good.

Well, I am really happy
that we ran into you,
'cause guess what?

We're finally
getting married!

Oh, my God!
Whoa! What the-- together!

Good work, man.

Yup. I, uh, rented
a hot air balloon

and popped the question
1,000 feet over new Jersey.

Oh, I'm glad
she said yes,

'cause that would have been
an awkward float down.

Oh, oh, please, please,
please tell me

you're available
the 3rd next month,

because you are all
so important to me,

and I really, really
wanna have you there.

Of course we'll be there.
We'll be there with bells on.
We wouldn't miss it.

Oh, us, too.
We're--we're there.

Oh, yay! I'm so happy
you're gonna make it.

I mean, Doug and Carrie,
I know how busy you guys are.

We will see you there?

Ok.
Yeah.

All righty. Bye.

Wow. They're finally
doing it. That's great.

I know. It is great.

Yep. It's pretty great.
Mmm.

Is it me,
or has she gotten
more annoying?

Definitely kicked it
up a notch.

Come on, you guys,
stop it. She's fine.

The wedding will be fun.
It's one afternoon
of your life,

so quit your bitchin'.
Who's bitchin'?

As long as there's a guy
with a big hat
carving roast beef,

I'm one jolly s.O.B.

How do?
Hey.

Mmm.

Hon, I can't figure out
what to make.

How do you feel about
eggs for dinner?

It's unconventional,
but I'll allow it.

Oh, Douglas.
Just the man
I was hoping to find.

Hey, Arthur-itis.

I'll say a phrase,
and I want
your instant reaction.

Don't think.
Just speak.

Half-price footwear. Go.

Pass. Next question.

Style-rite shoes is having
a father and son shoe sale.

Father buys a pair,
son gets a pair for free.

If we go in together,
we get 2 for 1,
and we split the cost.

All I need is for you
to pretend you are my son.

Right, right.

No.

You do understand
we are talking about
half-price footwear?

Yes, I do understand that.

I also understand
that you had some kind
of sausage for lunch.

Sorry, not interested.

Fine, you have just
wise-guyed your way

out of a
very sweet deal, friend.

You picked yourself
a real loser, darling.

Look at this.
We got Lisa and guy's
wedding invitation.

Oh, really?
Open it. Open it.

Yeah?
Yeah.

Ok, he could have done
without the confetti.

Read it.

All right. Blah, blah, blah,
blah, blah.

Just the usual stuff,
really.

Hey, fun fact.
Guy's mother's name
is midge.

Midge.

So where's the wedding?
At Leonard's?

Uh, that would be
in chapter 2.

Um, the dellecave manor...

Oh, sweet God.

What?
It's in Maryland.

What?

Gaithersburg, Maryland.
We gotta go to Maryland.

Let me see that.

What?
You don't think I can read?

That's like a 5 hour drive.

This is an all-weekend,
stay-overnight thing.

She tricked us.

We're not going.
You know,
they're friends, yes,

but they're not
drive-to-Maryland friends.

Doug, we have to go.

If we don't,
we're not gonna be friends
with them at all.

Great. Where do I sign?

Doug, I said we were free.
You heard me,

and I said we'd be there
with bells on.

But that was before
you remembered

that my Uncle shmelman
was coming to visit
that weekend

and could possibly be dying,
if necessary.

No, we can't
make up an excuse.

Why not?

Do you remember
our wedding?

They were in Munich,
and they flew back early
so they could be there.

Do you know
where Munich is?

I'll tell you one thing,
it's a lot closer
than Maryland.

Doug, if we don't go,
I will never hear
the end of it.

You know how Lisa is.

I miss returning one
of her phone calls,

and she's,
"oh, you're so busy,

you're so hard
to get a hold of."

Could you imagine
if we skipped their wedding?

"Oh, so sorry we missed you
at the wedding.

"Good thing we flew in
from Munich for yours,

or we'd never see you."

We're going.
Deal with it, hon.

Well, if we go,
I'm punching midge.

I don't know about this,
Arthur. I mean,
pretending to be your son,

that's--that's
kind of like lying.

Oh, you don't like lying,
but you sure jumped for joy

when I mentioned
half-price shoes,
didn't you?

Now, shut your pie-hole
and start calling me daddy.

Hey, there.
Can I help you?

Uh, yes. I'd like to see
these in a 9 and a half.

What would you like, son?

Clarks wallabees, size 7.

That's my boy.

Hey, uh,
you and your son sit tight,
and I'll go grab 'em.

He bought it!
What a rush!

Just out of curiosity,

what's the story
with your real father?

Oh, uh,

he walked out on me
and my mom when I was 2.

Then, uh, this little charade
must be very painful for you.

Yeah. Actually, uh--
shut up. He's coming.

Found 'em both.

Oh, terrific.

You know, it's funny.
I remember

the very first pair
of big-boy shoes
I bought for this kid.

You know what he said?

"My toes
got their own house now."

[Both laughing]

[Sighs]

So, uh,
how do those fit?

Wonderfully.

They remind me of my first
g.I. Government issue.

You served in w.W. Ii?

Army. 71st infantry.

You're kidding.
The 29th.

I mean, we were the guys
that went in first.

I mean,
cleared the way for you.

Cleared the way?
It was no picnic for us,
you know.

Yeah, but we took
a hell of a lot more
casualties.

Well, sure,
but you understand
how difficult it was for us,

tripping over
all your bodies?

Hey, dad? We're out of
the rockport loafers.

I'll call in
an order, ok?

Thanks, Scotty.

That's my son.

Good lookin' boy.

Straighten up.

Hey, I got an idea.
What do you say we go out
for dinner and drinks?

We bring our boys,
we tell them
how the war really was,

how my unit saved your ass...

You mean
how we saved yours,

but, uh, we'll pick this up
at Tony roma's.

Uh, actually, dad,

I'm kind of busy
with things right now.
I don't have time.

Well, you sure find time
to shoe shop.

You can't sit
with these good people
for an hour and have dinner?

Now, take those off
and go wait for me in the car.

And that's the cheapest
room rate you have?

You do realize
you're in a town in Maryland

no one outside of the state
has ever heard of?

Tell them
we're triple a members.
Tell them.

Yeah. Just for one night.
Uh-huh.

Tell them. Sometimes
they give you a discount.

All right. Well, thank you.
Bye-bye.

Why are we a member
of an auto club
if you won't bring it up?

I did, before you came in.

$189 is the best rate
they can give us.

Can't we just mark "no"
on this r.S.V.P. Card?

It would be so simple.
2 little letters. "N"...

We can't.
We're in too deep now.

Lisa called me last night,
and I actually said again

we'd be there
with bells on.

Again with the...
What is your obsession
with bells?

They flew in from Munich!

Oh, come on.

And you know what
the worst thing is?

We go down there,
we give up our entire weekend,

we eat terrible catered food,
and they have, like,
300 guests coming,

we'll see them for
maybe 10 seconds.

Somehow, I always end up
in the middle
of a cluster of cousins

during the Y.M.C.A. Dance.

Well, that's just because
you do it so well.

I know.

I mean, remember
tedi and David's wedding?

We never saw them.
They would have never known
we were even there.

Oh.
I just--I just had a thought.

What?

300 guests.
We'll--we'll never
even see them.

We should just not go
and say we went.

What? We can't do that.

I'm not sure we can't.

But it--
isn't it illegal?

No. Not at all.

You just said we'll see them
for 10 seconds, maybe.

Who's to say we weren't there?
We could do this.

Do we dare?
Yes!

And then, a week from now,
we call and say
we had a good time,

and how great she looked,

and that we're sorry
we couldn't spend
more time with them.

Mr. heffernan,
you just might be
on to something.

So, you in?

I don't know. I'm scared.

Yes, yes. Ok.
There you go!

This is one of
the greatest ideas
I ever had,

and I thought of
double stuff oreos
way before it was realized.

Ok.

R.S.V.P., yes.

And we will have
the chicken.

Wait. What--what's
the other choice?

Steak.
You know what?

Mark me down for that.

We're not going.
What's the difference?

Such a red flag.
They look at it and go,

"what? Doug's not having
the steak?

"What the heck's
going on here?

Are they pretending
to come?"

Ok. I don't think
they'd jump to that,

but all right, steak it is.
You know what?
I will go for the steak, too.

All right.
Ok.

We're doing this.

Ok, I'm doing it.

This is living.
I did it. Ok.

And we are officially saying

we are going to a wedding
and not going.

Make love to me.

The placecards.

Doug. Wake up.
I just thought of something.

What?
The wedding.

If we don't show up,

Lisa and guy will see
that our placecards
weren't picked up.

They'll know
we weren't there.

So that's all
we really need you to do.

Just pick up
our placecards,

and push the food
around our plates
so it looks like we ate.

Yeah, basically,
just keep us alive.

(Doug)
And as a bonus,

if--if you actually want
anything from our plates,

like, if you want
a 2nd steak

or some more potatoes,
go to town.

Is that all?

You know what?
Actually, at some point
during the night,

I want you to go to the bar,
pick up 2 drinks,
then walk by guy and go,

"what's up, man? Where's Doug?
I got his drink? Hey."

Do you understand
that we don't want
to go to Maryland, either?

Hey. L-let's jump
on their plan.

I mean, we could just
pretend to go, too.

Oh. No, no, no. You can't.
No way. No way.

There's no way 4 people
can fake be there. No.

No. It's way too obvious.
Besides,
I thought of it first.

What do you mean,
you thought of it first?

You didn't invent the idea
of pretending to be somewhere
when you're not really there.

Yes, I did.

Well, too bad.
If we have to go,
we're not gonna help.

Please, kel? Please?
I'm begging you,
help us out here.

[Sighs]

Oh, all right.

What?

We're going anyway.

Thank you.
Thank you so much.

One other thing,
if you wouldn't mind
giving them this,

we'd really appreciate it.

Thanks so much. Really.

(Doug)
Hey, this is Doug.

(Carrie)
And this is Carrie.

We can't come
to the phone right now
'cause we're in Maryland.

We're back on Sunday,

but you know what to do.
Do it after the beep.

Good,
'cause we're in Maryland.

[Answering machine beeps]

I think they got
the point. Yeah.

How sweet is this?
Yeah.

We would have been driving
for 5 hours,

and instead,
I'm parking my heiny
on the living room couch.

It's pretty sweet,
isn't it?

We got the whole weekend
ahead of us.

Oh, yeah.

[Drawling]
Relaxation.

[Doorbell ringing]

Who's that?

I--I don't know.

[Clears throat]

Hi.
Hey.

Guess what?

My kid has a 103 fever.

What?
Yeah.

So it turns out
Kelly and I can't go
to the wedding.

I just called Lisa and guy
in Maryland and canceled.

They were disappointed,
but they totally understood.

Who's gonna
keep us alive?

Mmm. Not sure, so, um,

let me give you this back,

and since I guess
you'll have to go,
if you wouldn't mind, uh,

drop off Kelly and my gift,
would ya?

But we had
an arrangement.

Very sick kid. Sorry.
I actually should
get back to him.

We're supposed
to bathe him in cold water,

so, see ya!

So that's all
we were wondering.

If you could just make it
look like we were there.

(Carrie)
You know,
pick up our placecards,

dump some food off
our plates.

Yeah, and, uh,
if you could just,
uh, you know,

give them this here.

Oh, and, uh,

just this right there.
That's be great. Thanks. Yeah.

So you want us to lie
to Lisa and guy

and make it look like
you're there?

Yeah. So,
what do you think?

To be honest,
I think that's awful.

I'd be very uncomfortable
doing that.

I was gonna say
the same thing.

Fair enough. Fair enough.

So what else is goin' on?

So, Scotty runs
the store with me,

and at night,
he takes classes
at St. John's,

getting
his business degree.

Yeah, when I'm done,
we're gonna see

if we can turn our place
into a chain.

Maybe open up some franchises
around long island.

Quite a boy, huh?

Yeah. Quite a boy.

So, Spence,
what do you do?

He owns the subway.

I work in the subway.
I--I sell tokens, maps,

the occasional metrocard.

Would it kill you
to go to school at night?

I don't want
to go to school.

Yeah? Well, there's
a new thing out
called "ambition."

Get some.

Fruit of my loins.
Emphasis on fruit.

Hey, leave me alone,
will you?

I'll leave you alone

when you take
a little responsibility
for your life! Be a man!

Shut up!
Just shut up!

The mouth
he gets from his mother.

Hey! Leave my mother
out of this.

Uh, I think I'll go
check on our table.

Actually, uh,
I'll go with you, dad.

Yeah, uh, look,
I think I'm gonna get going.

What are you talking about?
We're gonna have
a delicious dinner.

Yeah, well, I'm just not
very hungry. Goodbye.

Yeah. Go ahead.
Run away.

But there are a million boys
like Scott out there,

and you can't run away
from them!

What the hell
is going on?

Why are you being
so mean to me?

Have I said one thing
that isn't true?

Look at yourself.
You're 34 years old,
and you've gone nowhere!

You work underground
like a ferret!

Yeah, ok, you know what?
Fine. You're right.

But just once
during this entire time

that you've been pretending
to be my father,

would it have killed you,
just once, to say, uh,

"you're--you're a good boy,
Spence"

or "I'm proud of you,
Spence."

"I love you, Spence."
Would that have killed you?

Oh, God,
what have I done?

It's gonna be ok, boy.

No! You can't say
I called you with this.

Who's that?

The band leader
for the wedding.

Ok. What I'm asking you
to say

is "Doug and Carrie
just requested this song."

No! Honey, you have to say
that I just did it.

Ok. You know what?
Never mind. You--
ok, thank you. Bye.

Uh, no help,
this guy over here.

Jeez.
What is up with people?

Well,
the wedding's in 2 hours.

I'd say
we're pretty much screwed.

Yeah. It's, uh, it's over.

You know what I wonder?

What's that moment gonna be
when they finally realize
we didn't show up?

How's it gonna come out?

Will the gay couple
tell them?

The band leader?
Our accountant?

Here's how
it's gonna happen,

guy and Lisa are gonna come
to our table

to thank us
for sharing their special day,

and all they're gonna find
are 2 uneaten steaks

and a dirty little secret.

How we doing on time?

We're still
3 hours away.

Damn!
Well, drive faster.

Maybe we can make it there
before they bring out
the friggin' cake.

Oh, bear left.
We need the 95 South.

Ok.

[Clears throat]

Hand me the snapple bottle.
I gotta pee.

There they are! Hurry up!
I can see them!
They're leaving!

I can't run in these heels!
Why are you wearing heels?

It's a wedding.

[Doug groans]

(Carrie)
Lisa! Guy! We're here!

Hey! Doug here!
The steak was delicious!

(Carrie)
We're here! We're here!

(Doug)
We're here!

(Carrie)
Excuse me! Excuse me!

(Doug)
Whoo! Hey!

Oh, they're gone.
We missed 'em.

They probably couldn't see us
through all
the frickin' bubbles.

Ok. There's no way
we drove all the way
to Maryland

and we're not
getting credit for it.

Come on, come on.
Here, take 'em.

I--I'm sorry.
This is groom's family only.

That's right.
I'm, uh, I'm his, uh,
step-nephew.

All right. Hey.

Groom's family only, please.

All right, all right.
Fine. Sorry. Sorry.

Excuse me. Sorry.

Ok, everybody say
"wedded bliss."

(All)
Wedded bliss.

(Photographer)
Groom's family only.

♪ People, let me tell you
'bout my best friend ♪

♪ he's a warm-hearted person

♪ who'll love me
till the end ♪

♪ people, let me tell you
'bout my best friend ♪

♪ he's a one-boy cuddly toy

♪ my up, my down,
my pride and joy ♪

♪ people, let me tell you
'bout him ♪

♪ he's so much fun

♪ whether we're talkin'
man-to-man ♪

♪ or whether we're talkin'
son-to-son ♪

♪ 'cause he's my best friend

♪ yeah, he's my best friend,
LA LA ♪