All language subtitles for Keeping.Up.With.The.Joneses.2016

I work
in human resources or "hr,"
as some people call it.

And I have this poster
in my office that says,

"keep calm
and go to your safe place."

Well, when I get
a little stressed out
or my anxiety spikes,

I close my eyes
and picture my cul-de-sac,

and my wonderful wife,
Karen, and our two sons,
Patrick and Mikey.

Because that's the place
where I know
everything is always okay.

No matter what.

- Bye, Mikey.
Bye, Patrick. Bye, you guys.

Bye, guys.

You can text us
the minute you get to camp.

Yeah, okay.

And if you get any ticks,
put it in
the plastic baggie...

With the date and time
of the bite,
and I'll get them tested.

-Change your socks. Okay,
guys? Change your socks.
-Okay.

We love you. We love you.
We're gonna miss you.

-Love you guys!
-Have so much fun!

Be strong!

Be strong.

Oh.

Did that bus driver
look sober to you, honey?

Because he gave me
a really weird look
when I smelled his breath.

Well, I think
you just startled him.

Huh! Look, there's Meg.

Hey, Meg.

Whoo! I sold it.

Oh!

-That was so fast.
-Thank you,

all cash buyers.

All cash buyers?
That's fancy.

Yeah. And the best part is,
they didn't even see it.

They just saw
the pictures online.

I haven't even
met them in person.

-It's crazy.
-Who buys a house
without seeing it first?

I know. Maybe
it's a celebrity,
you know?

Come on, Jeff.
No celebrity
is gonna move here.

I hope it's not
some kind of
meth lab situation.

Oh. There he is.

Sorry.

Where have you been?

Kinko's was bananas.

It often is.

-Hey.
-Hey.

So exciting.
New neighbors, right?

Oh, and Karen,
i left your card
in the foyer,

-just in case
they want a decorator.
-Thank you.

So, uh, did you tell

Jeff about my new idea
for the guest bathroom?

No.

Artist's loft.

Think Brooklyn, okay?

Exposed brick,
visible plumbing. And...

A urinal.

A urinal!

That's really for me.
Meg wants me
standin' up again.

Well, I suppose
I'd better get started
on the urinal.

Oh. Yeah, no.

I know what
you're getting started on.

--Empty house,

kids are gone.

Wow-chick-a-wow-wow!

Please.

Honeymoon.
-All right, keep it pg.
Keep it pg, guys.

Well, we gotta go
flyer the subdivision anyway.

We're gonna
pound the pavement.
Yeah.

- Jeff, you should try it hyena style.
- -We'll try it.

That's the noise I make.

I think Meg has changed up
her medication, honey.

- What's Dan's
excuse then?
-Ugh.

Some of that stuff
they were saying
was demented.

- Disgusting.
-Yeah.

Phew!

But maybe they have a point.
I don't know.

Alone in the house.

First time in a long time.

Yeah, I mean,
we can do
whatever we want.

I, uh, dvr-ed
the, uh, good wife.

Great. I'll make popcorn.

Back it up!

- You got it.
- How much room I got?

Almost there.

Hey, Bernie.

New neighbors
aren't wasting any time
moving in, are they?

Nope.

You're gonna clean that up,
right, berno?

Always do.

Okay, have a good one.

Come on, guys.
Let's get outta here.

Come on, fellas.
Let's go. Come on.

Hi, Jack.
Good morning.

Don't let anybody
say that to you
on a plane. "Hijack."

Good morning, anyway.

- Morning.

-Morning, Jeff.
-Hi, Diane.

Jeff, good morning.

See those moving vans?

Oh. Couldn't miss 'em.

-Gosh!
-So,

-any word
on the new neighbors?
-No.

-Anything?
-Nothing.

Guarantee they're no
Dave and Bridget.

Well, at least
the summer's not
a total loss.

I mean,
we got junetoberfest
to look forward to.

-Yes, we do.
-And our jobs.

Always have our jobs.

By the way,
how's it going upstairs?

Jesus, Jeff.

You know I can't talk
about what we do upstairs.

Yeah. I know.
It's all right.

Uh... hey, oh, by the way,

I still have those, uh,
indoor skydiving lessons
if you wanna join me.

My treat.

Uh, this week's
really hectic.
Kid stuff. But, maybe.

Just text me.
Or I'll text you.

Okay, we'll talk
about it later.
Have a good one.

All right.
-Hey, Sheila. Good morning.

Morning, Louise.

Morning, Sharon.

Hi, Jeff.
Dr. Fisher called.

Oh, yeah?
What'd he say?

He said,
"please tell Jeff

to stop texting me
about indoor skydiving."

Oh, he's joking.
He's a riot. Hey, Doug.

Hey, Sanjay.

Hey, uh, Jeff.
Can I use your computer?

I need to reorder
my anti-depressants.

Oh, of course.
Mi computer, su computer.

Oh, this is Jeff.

Are we getting written up?
'Cause I emailed
him last night

and apologized.
He said he was fine.
And we have

put this behind us.

It's all fine.

I wouldn't be doing my job
if we didn't go over
a couple of exercises, okay?

So, grab a stress ball.

Really?

Okay, so, Margaret's
gonna show us, uh...

The, uh, meaning of trust.

Hey, Sanjay?

Yeah?

Did I tell you that I ate
at a Indian restaurant
the other night?

Yeah, I had to call and make
an Indian reservation.

Yang, tell oren
how he makes you feel.

Maybe you should just
write us up.
That might be easier.

I once knew an Indian
who drank so much tea,
he died in his "tea-pee."

That was a good one.

Okay, Margaret.
Go ahead.

Wow.

Yes, I do feel
like you are jealous.

I can sense the resentment

every time I bring up
gravitational perturbations.

Is that bad? That sounds bad.
What is that?
Is that like, uh--

gravitational
perturbations?
That's a laugh!

Plus, what about my work?

I mentioned,
i mentioned...

- ...velocity vectors
one time...

One time,

and you try to get me
bumped down to dhameer's team?

You were supposed
to calculate calculations...

This is all because
i hooked up with sharada.

You what?
You hooked up
with sharada ganjali?

- I'll... I'll kill you!

Oren, this is no way
to settle a workplace dispute!

Sharon, call security!

Hiya, Jeff!

- Karen.
- Hey, honey!

Hey, darling.

- Still spying
on the neighbors?

Hi, there.

--Hello.

You must be Jeff.

I'm Tim. This is
my wife, Natalie.

We're the joneses!
Nice to meet you, Jeff.

Nice to meet you guys.
Uh, that was a joke
about spying--

it's a joke.
I'd never spy on anyone.

- We love humor.

Humor...

So, Natalie
was just telling me

that she's a social media
consultant. Right?

Yeah. I also write
a cooking blog.

Oh, I love blogs.

Yeah, and I work
with a charity
for Sri lankan orphans.

Those are
my biggest passions.

Natalie's got a big heart.

Aw, thank you, baby.

Yeah, um...

-Karen, why don't you
tell them about, uh...
-What?

She has passions too.
Why don't you tell them
about the urinal?

What? No, honey!

-It's nothing.
-Oh, no, please.
It sounds interesting.

Oh...

I'm picking up
a slight accent.
Is that Pittsburgh, maybe?

- She's from Greece.
-Oh, god.

No, but
we've lived all over.

And now, it's finally time
to plant some roots. Right?

Oh...

I can't tell you
how excited we are

to be here on maple circle.

Such a lovely street.

It really is.
-Oh.

-Thank you.
-We love it.

It's fascinating.
In other cultures,

they don't have
anything like this.

No. No, they don't.

In Chinese, for example.
They don't even have a word
for a street like this.

What? For cul-de-sac?

no. No.

I mean, they would say...

Which is, loosely,

"happy place
of heart and mind."

-Right.
-But it doesn't really capture
the essence of it, right?

But it's cool
coming out of your mouth.

-Tim's a travel writer.
-Oh, really?

-Wow! We love to travel.
-We do.

Yeah. We went
to epcot center last summer.
Was it? Yeah.

You can go to every country,
like, within three blocks.

Perfect! That's what
we like about it.

We went with the boys
over there.

Yeah, that's Patrick
and Mikey. Patrick's leaning

against the wheel.
He's just a real cuddler.

-Oh, they're beautiful.
-Adorable.

--Mikey, uh, made this.

-Oh, wow!
-What a talent!

-Speaking of which,
we brought you...
-Yes, yes.

-...a little something.
-Oh!

What?

-That's amazing! Really?
-Give me a break!

I made it myself.

You made it yourself?
-Mm-hmm.

Oh...

Wow. Look at this.

-What is this?
-What is that?

A sculpture.

Tim blows his own glass.

Look at it
in the light, honey.
It sort of--

-that's gorgeous.
Look at that.
-Gorgeous.

-You made that?
-Yeah,

it's a hobby
i picked up in Hungary.

I wrote an article about
this, uh, Hungarian
glass-blowing master, yorgi.

Oh. Thank you.
I don't know what to say.

Oh, you don't need to
say anything.

Just put it right there

and, uh, use it
as a conversation piece.

-That's cool.
Thank you very, very much!
-Thank you.

-Anyway, we should get going.
-Yeah.

-Yeah. We should.
-Oh. Okay.

Uh...

God, I feel like I should give
you guys a gift. I didn't know
we were giving gifts.

-That's not necessary.
-You want a stress ball?

No, you don't want
a stress ball.
That would be stupid.

I would love
a stress ball.

- Thank you.
- Yes! They really work.

- Oh, thank you.

-Let me just get this
out of your way.
-No, Jeff will get that.

-Oh, no, no, no.
-That's nice.

It's all good.
We're neighbors now.

Right?

Have you guys ever, uh,
been to or heard of,
uh, junetoberfest?

- Junetoberfest?
- Yeah.

You guys
should really come.

It's our annual
summer get-together.

The whole neighborhood comes.
A really fun group.

A lot of us
work together.

Oh. At mbi?

Yeah. We have
a dart, uh, tournament.
We have bratwurst.

I make my own home brew,
which is my passion.

-Good!
-Huh.

How'd you know
that Jeff works at mbi?

Hmm?

Jeff must've mentioned it.
Right, Jeff?

-No. No, he didn't.
-Oh, that's okay, honey--

no, Jeff didn't
mention it. Uh...

- The stress ball.
Must've been
a lucky guess, I guess.

No, it's right there.
Yeah, lucky guess.
Yeah, we should go.

It's getting late.
Thank you so much
for everything.

The coffee was delicious.

Thank you.
-And we'll see you
at junetoberfest!

So, let me
show you a picture.
This is Tyler.

And Tyler's gonna go
to asthma camp this summer.

Oh, my god!
He's so handsome!

-Hiya, neighbor.
-Hey.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
"Seared yellowtail

with lemon zest
and ginger shavings."
Who the hell made this?

Natalie.
Apparently,
she can do everything.

I'm sorry,
but who wears that
to a barbecue?

I mean,
there are kids here.

Come on, Meg.
It's just a summer dress.

It's a very short,
very chic... extremely
flattering summer dress.

Yeah, well,
it's pornographic.

oh.

Look at Dan pretending
to check his email.

If I find pictures
of her ass on his phone,
bj night is canceled.

So, anyway, there I am,

alone, in the middle
of the empty quarter,
all by myself,

with no water,
dying of thirst.
I'm literally

writing a goodbye letter

-to Natalie.
-Oh.

And what do I see
coming up over the horizon?

- But the exact same camel...

-Whose life I saved
three years earlier.
-No!

-Exact same one.
-Did he remember you?

No. No, Jeff.
He didn't remember me.
He's a camel.

But I was able
to ride him into civilization.

And I filed my story,
with 15 minutes to spare,
thank you very much.

Caught the next flight
to marrakesh

and was sitting
in a café with Natalie

- smoking hookah
later that night.

No way!
-I wanna smoke
a hookah in marrakesh.

Yeah.

Well, Stacey,
i know it sounds
very romantic.

But, trust me,

the world can be
a very dark
and disturbing place.

Tim, you want a beer?

Uh, sure. Yeah. Thank you.

- Here you go.
-Ooh. There it is.

Mmm.

Wow, good job--
ooh, ooh, ooh! Buddy, buddy.
Yeah, buddy. Wow!

- That is a lot of blood.
It's fine. It's fine.
It's okay.

Hold on, hold on, hold on.

It's just gushing a bit.

- Just hold on to that.
- Oh, yes.

Give me this.
Give me this.

- It's sprung a leak.
- Just, just...

-I feel a little bit
light-headed.
-Close your hand around it.

-If I could just maybe--
-no, no, no, no, no!

You can't rattle me.

Witness...
Witness my destiny.

Neighborhood champ,
five years in a row!

Hey! You wanna
give it a try?

-Me?
-Yeah!

No,

-I'll only embarrass myself.
-"No" is not an answer.

Come on.
It's so easy.

-It's a bad idea.
-Look, I'll even show you

the famous
craverston grip. Okay?

-All right.
-Put that in your hand.

Now hold it like a pencil.

Now cock your wrist.

-Right.
-Good, good. Elbow out.

And then you just
kinda throw at it.

Like this?

This is good?

Uh, well,

you kinda throw
like a girl.

But when a girl
is as beautiful as you,
she doesn't have to be good.

Do you mind if I skip
the craverston grip?

Okay, good luck.

Oh, my god!
Look at that!

Maybe I should show you
how to throw like a girl.

Suck on that, craverston.

Shut up, oren.

Where's your girlfriend?

Tim.

Oh, hey, Karen.
I was just looking
for the bathroom.

You were in Jeff's den.

Yeah. I must've made
a wrong turn. Um...

Lovely place you have here,
by the way.
You have a great eye.

-Thank you.
-Was that your design work
i saw downstairs?

Jeff had mentioned something
about, uh, urinals.

Yes. Oh, well,
the customer's always right.

- But, yeah,
they are my drawings.

- Customer's always right.
Except when they're not.

-Oh, the bathroom's
that way, Tim.
-No, thank you, I'm fine.

That was one of the best
junetoberfests

we have ever,
ever had.

Have you ever seen
a couple move into
a neighborhood

so nicely as the joneses?

You don't you think
there's something off
about them?

I mean, they're so overly

accomplished, and stylish

and affectionate
with one another.

Why would
they wanna live here?

Karen, they told you,
they wanna settle down.

You know that he was
in your den today?

Yeah, so?

So, he can navigate
the bazaars of marrakesh,

but he gets "lost upstairs"
looking for a bathroom?

Karen, let me tell you
something I learned
years ago.

When people have to poop,

they get embarrassed.

As do I, sometimes.

Really? You think
he had to poop?

Probably. Yes!

You know, if the joneses seem
a little bit more affectionate
than we do, it's because

they haven't had
to mute their passions
the way we have

'cause the kids
have been around.

But now, it's our time.
It's our summer.
Watch my hand there.

And I think it's time
to get busy sexually.

It tickles, honey.
Honey!

-Honey, I know we said
every second...
-Come on!

Look at the time.
Look how late it is.

It's traditional
gaffney foreplay.
Let me just do it.

Come on, baby.
Come on.

I'm so tired.
But I pick up on things.

I was the one who noticed
when the mcnultys were
pirating the yamamotos' cable.

Yes, and intuition
is a wonderful thing.

And take it from me,
somebody who has had
16 years

of human resource experience,

that the joneses
are perfectly nice,
normal, everyday people.

I didn't know what to do.

Smoke blows from the car,
you know, uh?
So I figured

Americans are
really good with car...

- Oh, you strong man!

So you can help me out?

-Absolutely. You came
to the right guys.
-Yeah.

- We Americans are good
at a lot of things.

Jeff!

Jeff, wake up!

Who are you,
Tim Jones?

Sorry.

Neighbor!

-Hey, Jeff. This--
-oh, my goodness.

This is embarrassing.

Well, it happens.
Jeepers, let me help you.

-Here you go.
-Thanks.

What are you doing here?

I found your love
of home brewing...
Contagious.

And I figured
i could use a hobby.

Instead of glass blowing?

Right. Besides that.
Besides that.

I mean, it's a cool hobby,
but it's probably
not as manly as you'd like.

Hey, ed.

Set my friend up here.

He's gonna need
some wort chillers,
probably need some fizz drops.

- Give him some yeast.
- You're the expert.

-Yup.
-Don't let that yeast
get infected.

-Okay.
-I'm kidding. I'm kidding.

It's a joke.
It's a yeast infection joke.

Expensive hobby.

It's more
of a calling, Tim.

Hey, are you hungry?

I'm famished!

You like Chinese?

The food?

Yeah.

Ah...

Come on!

Spy force, on.

I am leaving
this message in case
anything happens to me.

I'm following Natalie Jones
who I have good reason
to believe--

calling Natalie Jones.

- No!

--No!

--No, no, no!

--Ugh!

Siri!

Oh, thank you.

Have a nice day.

How's the book?

Interesting.

Hi, there! Nice to see you.
Yes, indeed.

That's is my friend,
that's is my friend, Jeff.

This is Mr. and Mrs. lu. Okay.

All right, yeah,
we're gonna go on back.

--I know, I know!

I feel like I've been
putting on
a little too much.

Thank you. Uh, come on
back here, Jeff. Thank you.

Um...

I'm doing a little piece on,
sort of, hidden gems
around the city.

-Now, that place is good...
-Yeah?

...but this place is great.

-Come on, follow me.
-Ooh!

It's good to get out of
the cul-de-sac
every now and again.

-Well, it is, yeah.
I mean, I love my cul-de-sac.
-There he is.

I knew I felt
your presence, man!

-What's up, brother?
-How are you, pal?

This is my friend, Jeff.

Jeff, this is Ricky.
He owns the place.

-Hi, Ricky, how are you?
Nice to...
-What's up, Jeff?

You don't have to bow down.
Don't be shy.

Come on in, man.
This guy's stiff!

Welcome to the cobra club.

Well, now, this is
Jeff's first time. So...

Oh, don't worry. We'll take
good care of him, man.

Where do you want us?

Right there, man.
Thank you.
Oh, I'll take a shejiu.

- One?
- Yup.

Yeah. Two.
-Two?

Yeah. Whatever he's having.

Two shejius coming up.

So? A little different
than you were expecting, huh?

I gotta tell you. Spice and i
don't sit very well together.

There's certain ramifications
the next day, you know,
toilet-wise, but--

this is not that,

-okay.
-Okay? It's not spicy,
but this is the real stuff.

Oh, I'm ready.

Actually, it reminds me
of when I went kayaking

down the Pearl river
to zhongshan.

It's just beautiful.
A lot of places,

just like this.

You have a fascinating job.

-Oh, come on.
So do you, Jeff.
-Yes.

I mean, I'm sure you could
tell me some stories, right?

Yeah. I could tell you
some stories to make
your skin crawl.

But I'm in hr.

There's a certain wall
of secrecy around me, so...

You could tell me,
but you'd have to kill me.

I'd probably just
get in trouble from corporate.

No, you wouldn't
actually kill me. It's just
an expression, Jeff.

Oh, yeah!
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

-Here we go. All right.
-Okay.

- Look at all these little
ethnic condiments. So cool.
That is...

-Soy sauce.
-Soy sauce.

Try this.

Mmm?

Okay.

Mmm...

Wow! That's good!

What is that?
That looks like a snake.

Shejiu, man.

Snake wine.

That's real cobra.

The alcohol neutralizes
most of the venom.

Yeah, in guangdong,
the old dudes say

you drink snake wine,
makes your sack
hang real low, man.

- Does it?

Uh, do you have a
Arnold Palmer by chance?

You guys want to hear
about tonight's offering?

Yes. Show us
what you got.
Thank you.

Where did you
find this place? Yelp?

It's my job to find
places like this.

I talk to people, I go places.
And when I find a place
that I like,

I like to share it
with people I like.

Shejiu! Okay,
that's a live snake!

Yes, Jeff.
It's a snake restaurant.

Yeah, but panda express,
they don't serve panda.

Do they?

They call this
"the 100-pace viper,"

because if it bites you,
that's how far you're
gonna get, man.

- Is that true?
- No!

It's not true.

It's actually probably closer
to 50 paces,

-honestly. It's very potent.
-Pretty bad, man.

I'm afraid of snakes.
I'll eat 'em.
But, I'm so sorry.

Ricky knows what he's doing.
He's very good at his job.

Come on, sit down, okay?
Just let him do his thing.

-Yes.
-You're in good hands.

- Yes.
- Okay? Trust me.

You're gonna wanna keep
your hands away from the head,

'cause it can actually
still bite you.
So, just be very careful.

Can I have
a vegetable spring roll?

Buddy...

You're gonna be
just fine. Here.

-A little more of that.
-Yeah.

- Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Okay? This is good.

- We might need
another bottle of this.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Let's go ahead
and get loosened up.

Yeah. Snake it up.
-Yeah.

One second.
That's Karen. Hello?

Remember
i told you something
was off about the joneses?

Well, my instincts
were right.

I just followed Natalie
to the mall...

--...and I have
two words for you.

Sarah Palin.

And guess what?

There is a Chinese word
for cul-de-sac.

It's...

I'm sorry, I'm having
a hard time hearing you.

The point is, the joneses
are not who they say they are.

Okay. Hold on.
I'm sorry.

Karen, I'm-I'm actually,
uh, lunching with,
uh, Tim right now.

There's nothing weird
going on whatsoever.

- I think...

I think
you're just sublimating
your anxiety about the kids.

You're having insecurities
about, you know, your career--

don't even begin to go there!

I don't throw your man crush
in your face.

I don't have a man crush!

I don't have a man crush.

I had it once in my life,
when I was a boy.

You mean Bruce?
-She likes to be
called Caitlyn.

No, no, no,
you're absolutely right.

Hello, Karen.

Natalie!

What a surprise!

Um, uh--
you've got no clothes on.
You're on the phone.

I'm gonna go.

To be continued.

I was just leaving Tim
a voice mail.

Oh.

He likes to hear from me
when I'm trying on lingerie.

I tell him what
I'm putting on, how it looks.

How it makes me feel.

It looks great!
I'm sure he...

I'm sure he's happy
to know that.

Tell him from me.

Yeah, it's one of our things.

Keeps the spark alive.

Do you and Jeff
have a thing?

Yes, Jeff and i
have a thing.

We, uh...

We do it really fast in case
the kids come running
into our room.

Sounds like
you're very sexual people.

But your kids are gone,
aren't they?

Uh, yeah. Yeah.

Time for something new.
Is that why
you're buying lingerie?

Uh, yes.

Let's see what
you decided on.

Oh, no. I mean, I just--

it's just stuff.

Come on. Show me
what you think is sexy.

They're for Jeff's mom.

She's morbidly obese actually.
She drives around
on a little scooter.

- I feel really bad for...

Let's be real
with one another, okay?

And he's dating
Sheila rondowski,

I think is her name,
on the sly,

which is a big no-no,
'cause she's his superior.

Sure.

This stuff is so good, Tim.
It's delicious.

-Didn't I tell you?
-Mm-hmm.

I tell ya... listen.

It is impressive
how people open up to you.

-They tell you a lot.
-They do.

It sounds like
they complain a lot, but...

Oh, gosh!
It comes with the territory.
I'm fine with it. But, yes.

Let me ask you this.

Does anybody ever say
to you in confidence

how much
they hate the company?

Ricky, let's get
some more wine!

Hold a grudge?
Anything like that?

Sara patel, she has
irritable bowel syndro--

excuse me. She has
irritable bowel syndrome.

There's a lot
of co-workers, too,
that sit near the bathroom.

Sometimes, we're all irritated
by your bowels, Sara.

Everybody on the
fourth floor knows.

Yeah, but that's not
what I'm talking about.

Is there ever a situation
where somebody seems

like they came into
a lot of money,

or they, you know,
they bought a new car
or new clothes?

-Looks like they won
the lottery?
-Yes.

-Or hit the jackpot?
-Yeah, yeah.

-Yeah? Who's that?
-Sanjay. He bought a grillbot.

What's that?

That's the guy I work with.
His name's Sanjay.

No, I know what Sanjay is.
What's, what's a grillbot?

Oh, grillbot is like--
i-it's just a, um...

It's just a--
what it is, is a robot that
cleans your barbecue grill.

You just kind of put it
in your grill,
you shut the lid,

and it just kind of ruminates
in there and gets all
the little coal pieces,

the little icky pieces up.
And it's, you know,
spick and span!

It's like a Roomba
for your grill.

I'm thinking
more of like the--
like, like... more expensive.

These are $99, Tim.
Expensive stuff.

Right.

But you gotta make sure
the grill's off.
Sanjay didn't do that.

Are we, are we done talking
about the grillbot?

-If you're not gonna eat this,
I'm gonna eat this.
-Yep.

No, no, no, go ahead.
Take what you like.

The thing is, is he voided
the warranty on the grillbot
and the grill.

Jesus, Jeff! Ricky!

Oh, god! Put it down.
Put it down, put it down.
Ricky!

Oh, man! I've never
seen that before.

Go find the,
the shot!

The antivenom.
Go get it!

Hey, little buddy!

Oh, my god. No, no, no, no.
No, no. Hey.

He's snackin' on my hand.

Look at me! Look at me!
Look at me! Look at me!

All right. Get it out!

We're all gonna
have to have a relationship.

Hold on. We're gonna get
the antivenom, okay, Jeff?
Hold on a second.

You got it? All right.
Hold on, hold on,
hold on, hold on.

How does that feel,
buddy? Huh?
How does that feel?

That's good.

Now this would be
incredible on you.

Perfect, I'll take it.

You're not being fun, Karen.

Now, I want you to forget
everything you heard about
functional breast support.

Why are you so nervous?

Hmm?

Is it because
we're two women trying on
lingerie together?

Or because I know
you were following me today?

I wasn't following.
What? No! No!

I was at the mall.
I was shopping. I wonder
if they have this in yellow.

-You know, Jeff's
favorite color is yellow.
-I'm not stupid, Karen.

And you're right
to follow me.

To be thinking that this woman
is not who she pretends to be.

Because I'm hiding something.

You are?

So are you.

We're so alike, you and I.

Two strong,
sexually vibrant women.

And yet, here we are.

Forced to bury our true selves
from the Meg craverstons
of the world.

What's Meg got to do
with this?

Oh, come on, Karen.

I hear the way
she talks about me when
she thinks I'm not looking.

Hating me for the way
i look, as if,

as if perfect bone structure
and flawless skin
is something I can help!

I may not need to moisturize,
but I still have feelings.

I didn't know
about the feelings.

That's why women like us need
to stick together. Not follow
each other in malls.

Do you kegel?

-Kegel?
-Mm-hmm.

-You mean the exercises
for the lady parts?
-Mm-hmm.

Strength has
to start somewhere.

Oh, not--
i don't.

In fact, I'm doing
some right now.

I could crack a walnut
down there, if I needed to.

Have you ever
had any need to?

Now you go.

-I couldn't crack
anything down there.
-Are we still hiding?

Come on, Karen.
Just... channel your power.

Okay. I'll do it.
I'll try.

I did it! I felt it!

How was that?

Work in progress!

Now, you have a choice.

Which Karen
do you wanna be?

Karen, the meek?

Or Karen, the strong?

-Sure you're okay?
-I'm okay. Yeah.

You saved my life.

And that was some
good snake.

I'm embarrassed though.

Little drunk.

You had me worried there
for a second.

Get yourself cleaned up.
I'll get the check.

I know what you're doing, Tim.

What am I doing, Jeff?

Well, I read people
for a living.
That's what I do.

And you know, you get me drunk
on snake wine and get me
to open up

and tell you secrets.

You...

Are trying to make a friend.

I got a lot of friends, Jeff.

Yeah, but you have
a lot of secrets
locked inside of you.

And I think that's why you
might be one of the loneliest
guys I've ever met.

Now, what do you have
to say about that?

You wanna know
something about me?

Sometimes I hate
what I do for a living.

Ah...

But doesn't that feel good?

To express yourself?

Is this
us bonding now?

No, this is us talking.

You want bonding?
I'll show you bonding.

You're gonna look at me.
I'm gonna button you up.

Okay. Okay. That's loud.

Whoa, whoa...

Jesus, you do this for fun?

I got you, okay?

Isn't this a blast?

Yeah!

Hey, Karen! Karen?

Hey, I'm here!

Hi, Karen. How are you?
I brought you some flowers.

Oh, thank you, honey!

You're not gonna believe
the day that I had.

Guess who likes being
a man-bird as much as I do?

-Who?
-Tim Jones.

Look at that.
Why are you wearing a robe?
Are you sick?

Oh. Nice. Honey,

I'm just thinking.
What am I really doing
this summer?

I mean, I sent the kids
away to camp,
I'm redesigning bathrooms.

Is that what makes me happy?

Is that what makes me,
Karen gaffney, complete?

Okay, well, listen,
if you wanna feel complete,

there's some exercises
that I do at work
with the guys...

Honey, no.
They don't work.

Now, I've lost touch
with the real Karen.

And then these, these amazing
new neighbors move in

and with me feeling
so vulnerable,
it's only natural

that I would get suspicious
and find fault with them.

But really,
i, I just feel like
i should be focusing on me.

And, and on us.

Sweet baby Jesus,
what's happening?

Natalie said
we needed a thing
to keep our spark alive

you've been talking
to Natalie about us sexually?

No, obviously.
I didn't tell her
anything, honey.

No, I just mean
she's unusually intuitive.

-For a Greek.
-Right.

And she just thinks
that once you're married

at a certain point,
you have to make
more of an effort.

Yeah! Yeah.
This is the Karen that i--
this is the Karen that I love.

I really do. Take me.

Take me, darling.

Okay.

--Oh!

Shh...

Shoot, honey.

It was
the conversation piece.

Don't worry about it.

Oh...

What is that?

I don't know.
It doesn't matter.
Come on, come on, come on.

It's okay. It doesn't matter.

You know what, honey?
We need to go back
to our lovemaking.

-Where were we?
-Yeah, okay, yeah.

-It's so hot! Oh, it's so hot!
-Yeah. Okay, i--
should I grope you?

-Great!
-Yeah.

Let's go back.
Oh! Jeff, Jeff!

Oh, it's so hot.

-It's so hot!
-So, you are sick?

You know what?
I'll tell you what
we should do.

We should put on a soundtrack
for our passion.

Yeah, you want
a little passion music?

This calls for
the judds, I think.

We're gonna put on
some music.

Okay.

And I, uh, I'm going to put
the wine glasses
in the dishwasher.

Right. Okay, so you got--
you wanna narrate!

Okay. All right.
I got you. So...

And then...Oh! Oh!
This is so much fun!

The blood leaves Jeff's head
and slowly makes its way
to his midsection.

I don't know why
we're in the closet.

- Seems very un-erotic to me.
Honey, listen!

Listen! Because
our neighbors bugged us!

Told you something
was wrong with them.

Makes a little more sense
what Tim was doing
in your den.

And do not tell me
that he had to poop.

He did not have to go
number two.

And now I know what Natalie
was doing at the café.

It was a drop!

A drop?
What are you talking about?

I can't believe she duped me
into this lingerie.

But she was in her underwear
and I was in
my underwear and--

oh, my god!
She was so persuasive.

Wait. You were both in your
underwear at the same time?

Oh, get your mind
out of the gutter!
It was a charade!

Okay, Karen, I just wanna
make sure this isn't
another case of paranoia.

Remember that time you made me
sleep in the car 'cause I ate
that hot pepper

and you thought
i was possessed?

Honey, your eyes were all red.
You were trying to have sex
on a school night.

I know, but it was
just the jalapeno.
That's my point.

God! We gotta call the cops!

Call the cops and tell them
what? That our neighbors
bugged the house?

-Yes!
-That sounds crazy!

What happens when we really
need the cops? They won't come
to our house. Why?

Because we're on
some kind of crazy list.
That's crazy.

You're right.
We need more evidence.

And it's a jalapeno

Karen. Karen!

Karen!

Kar--
Karen, look.

I know that you
miss Mikey and Patrick,

- but parents weekend
is not for two weeks.
-Get down!

Parents weekend
isn't for two weeks.

Maybe we can do some
of your breathing exercises
to center you.

Jeff, I don't need to do any
deep breathing exercises!
I'm centered!

It's quiet over there.

It's too quiet.

They're probably watching us,
watching them.

They're not watching us!
They're at a restaurant
with Stacey chung.

How do you know that?

Because we talked about it
at the indoor skydiving place!

Why didn't you tell me?

Karen, stop!

Darling, stop, please!
Think about what you're doing.

You'll go to jail
for something like this.

Only if I get caught.

See? No fingerprints.

Now, people move in,
they always change the locks,

but they never change
the garage remote.

I forgot to give it back
when Bridget and Dave
went to myrtle beach

and asked me to feed smokey.

Are you coming?

You're gonna need
to cover your hands.

Cover my hands?
With what?

Use your socks.

Oh, god! It looks
like a show home!

They painted over
Bridget's mural.

That's a real tragedy.

Look, there's
nothing weird here.
Let's go, let's go!

Karen! There are
windows everywhere.
Get down! Get down!

So weird.

Stand up!

These pots have never seen
a lick of flame.

Little weird for someone
with a cooking blog, huh?

Well, it's
a new house, new pots.
It makes sense to me.

And an empty spice rack.
She wows the neighbors
with her appetizers.

No spices.

Never judge a woman
by her spice rack, Karen.

Check for stuff about
Sri lankan orphans.

I bet that's another
web of lies!

Sorry, Tim, for breaking
into your house.

I just wanted to be
your friend. This certainly
isn't a friendly gesture.

You know what, honey?
I can hear you.

And it hurts my feelings
when you're not supportive.

Karen, this is ridiculous!

It's gotta be here somewhere.

Karen! Karen,
Karen, Karen!

Oh, look at them.
So perfect.

Karen, come on, let's go.

Look at this.

- Okay. So, they're gamers.
- Let's go.

Karen! Don't!
What are you doing?

Stacey chung.
Isn't she out
with the joneses?

Yeah.

Ted Wallace.

He works with you, right?

Yeah. Maybe it's just some
kind of social media thing.

Dhameer Mustafa?

There's Dan.

Sanjay.

Oh, god!
They're targeting mbi.

-There's some kind of missile.
-These are all the people
he was asking me about.

Oh, my god!
I told him everything.
Oh, god!

We've gotta go.

Switch down
the computer, honey.

We gotta get out
of here. We gotta get out
of here right now.

I can't get any purchase
on the mouse because
i have a sock hand.

-Okay, hold on.
-Switch it off! Put it back.

- Karen...
-Put it back the--

no! You don't understand!
They're spies.

-Karen, please,
okay? Karen! Just shh!
-We gotta go right now!

I need to write
these names down.

Honey, what are you doing?
We gotta go! We gotta go!

They could be back
at any second.

What are you staring at?

What is that? A pen?

What?

-What?
-You have a...

Oh, god! Oh, my god! Now what?

Oh, shit! I killed her!

Karen!

- Karen!

Oh, thank god!

Honey.

Okay, we gotta go.
Karen, wake up!

Oh, god.

Damn!

Oh, shit!

Oh! Sorry. Sorry.

- You're welcome, baby.
- Okay.

--Okay.

-Jeff, you're so cute!
-Karen, shh!

- Okay.
- Shh.

Okay.
Oh, why are you
shushing me?

I thought chili's
was supposed to be fancy.

Yeah, I don't think
you ordered well.

Whee! Remember
when we were in college,

and your parents,
they almost caught us
in the bushes, and we hid!

Yeah.

Wait, I met you after college.

Shh.

Oh, my god!

It's almost like
our wedding night.

Why did we do that?
Why did we do that?
What are we doing?

What do we do?

- Jeff, you're
being so serious!

- I'm Jeff. I'm so serious.
-Karen, Karen, Karen!

-Why are you being so serious?
-Okay. Okay.

Shh, shh, shh.

-Stop licking me!
-Yeah.

Okay, listen. Oh, shit!

Oh, shit.

-I'm getting on top!
-I-i--

I'm getting on top.

- Karen! Karen! Karen!
- Oh, I'm on top!

- That makes me feel weird.
- Karen, please.

I'm not into this
right now, sweetheart.

I'm not really into this.

Cuddle me.
No cuddling!
Our neighbors are spies!

Our neighbors are spies.
I wanna cuddle.
Cuddle me.

Look at 'em up there.

Probably going upstairs
to make sex,

and they won't even
think about us.

You broke my heart, Tim Jones.

You broke my heart.

I'm just saying,
the place is called chili's.

-It's a Mexican place.
-I can't believe...

-I don't know why you would...
-...We're still talking
about the restaurant.

...order anything
remotely Asian.

Okay. I guess we can
cross off Stacey.

She's not going
to give us anything.

Hey, do you know
what a grillbot is?

What?

It's this thing.
Jeff was telling me
about it the other day.

It's this little robot
that cleans your barbecue--

I hope this is not
going to be a problem.

What?

First rule of what we do.
Don't get too close
to your targets. Remember?

Actually...

The first rule
of what we do,

is to not fall in love
with your partner.

Right? Wasn't...
That the first rule?

-Tim Jones.
-Hmm?

What am I going
to do with you? Hmm?

I don't know.

-You don't know?
-I don't know.

-I have a few ideas.
-I have some ideas too.

-You do?
-Mm-hmm.

Should I start now?

Yes, you should.

Okay. Uh... okay.

Well, that
might be a problem.

Hey, buddy.
Can I use your computer?

I need to check
my fantasy baseball roster.

Oh, go ahead.
Go ahead.

Thanks.

What is happening?

You okay, Jeff?
You seem kind of distant.

No, I'm fine. I'm just...

Sifting through the wreckage
of every value
i once held dear.

Oh, good. I was worried
it might be something real.

Hey, Dan.

Dan!

The joneses aren't
who they say they are.

What are you talking about?

Your phone.

Okay. Okay.

Spies?

But, it's not
like that. I swear!

Sometimes, she picks up
on things. And this time
she was right.

You have to
take this upstairs, Carl!

This company,
my neighborhood,

western civilization
as we know it,

they're all at risk.

And it might be my fault.

All right, gaffney.
I'll do some digging.

Okay. Thank you.

See what I can learn about

these devices. And
if I find out they're real,
and not from some hobby shop,

well, you wait for my call.

Okay.

--Go for Jeff.

I gotta say, gaffney,
you and your wife were right.

You know those
devices you gave me?

Yeah, well, I was talking
to a friend of mine.

Ex-military.

And, uh, well, this line
is unsecured, so I can't
go into details,

but let me just say,
this stuff is the real shit!

God!

Okay. Who are the
joneses working for?
Are they Russian?

Damn it, gaffney.

What is it about the word
"unsecured" that
you don't get?

Look, I'm gonna do
some more digging,

and then you meet with me
before work tomorrow.

-Okay.
-Uh, you know

the old mbi building?
On 75?

7:00 a.m.
just look for the Van.

Wait, why are
we meeting there?

Well, so we can strategize
before we take it upstairs!

My buddy says the last time
he saw tech like that

was on a dead man.

Dead man?
Why would you say--

Jesus!

Jesus, is right

gaffney, this is the big time!
I mean, we are going
all the way.

Not now, Carl.

- Not now.
Hey, don't you try to
give me the brush off.

If you think you're
gonna handle this yourself,

-you're making a big mistake!
-Okay, okay.

Work buddy.

Gaffney,
don't mess this up!

- . Carl! Okay, yeah.
-7:00 A.M. bring lattes...

- Good.

You okay there, buddy?
You almost ran me over.

Yeah, I was, I was
looking for Bernie.
He keeps pooping

in my yard and I was just--
i mean, his dogs keep,

uh, pooping in my yard.

I was distracted.
Um, how are you?

You don't seem
like yourself, Jeff

well, you don't seem
like yourself, Tim.

What's that supposed to mean?

Oh, I was... you said it
to me. I was... what did you
mean when you said it?

We think we had
a break-in last night.

-What?
-Yeah. I know.
Really rocks your

faith in the notion of trust,
doesn't it?

Tell me about it. My gosh!

You'd think in a
neighborhood like this

you wouldn't have to worry
about something like that.

I'm so sorry about that, Tim.

Yeah, well, Jeff,
here's the thing about trust.

Once it's gone...
Bad things happen.

I heard that.

Okay, well, I should go.

Karen and i
are supposed to take a bath.

Yeah, a little warning.
Carl can be a bit prickly,

but he's a top notch
security man and he
happens to like the way

-your mind thinks, okay?
-Okay.

Is that him in the bathrobe
hanging laundry?

I don't know.
Maybe he's having a yard sale.

Gaffney, right on time!

Oh, and you brought
the lattes.
Knew I could count on you.

This is my wife, Carl.

I mean,
this is my wife, Carl.

Nice to meet you.

-Oh, nice to meet you.
-Karen gaffney.

Yeah, well, welcome
to my home away from home.

Or to be more accurate,
my, my home.

But, uh, not for long.
Oh, here, please. Thank you.

Sit down here.

Let me just
clear this stuff away.

Get this laundry outta here.

Ah!

It's the maid's day off.

Oh, not at all.
It's just that

when you told us to meet you
at the Van, I didn't realize
you'd be living in it.

Yeah, well,
the truth is, um...

I've been living
in the old westfalia here

ever since my wife left me
and took everything I had.

-Sorry, Carl.
-That's terrible.

And now thanks to you
for bringing me in
on this deal, Jeff.

I mean, I think things are,
are finally starting to
break my way again!

What do you have for us?

Oh, boy, what have I got?
Let me show you here.

You know, here's something
that Jeff never thought
he'd hear. Gaffney...

Are you ready for
a level four
security clearance?

- Okay.
-Okay. Here we go.

-Carl.
-Yeah?

You got like a...
A red dot on your forehead.

Yeah, it's called adult acne.
Thank you very mu--

--oh, god!

I've been hit!

I've been hit!
I've been hit!

Oh, my god!

--Oh, shit.

-Are you hurt?
-I've been shot!

Oh, god! No, honey,
it's just the latte!

- It burns! It burns!

Oh, shit!
It's the joneses!

Try not to shoot them.

Let's run
for Carl's house.

--Oh, god!

Get in the car! Now!

Let us get on
with our stupid
little lives!

--Get in the car now

and I will explain
everything. Mostly.

I'm tired of your
silver-tongued lies, Jones!

Do you wanna get killed
out here? Get in the car!

Why? So you could
kill us in there?

There were no spices
in your spice rack!

I said get in the car.

We're gonna get
in the car.

For Patrick and Mikey.
Right, honey?

Guys, now.
It is very dangerous. Now!

When I count to three
we're gonna run, okay?

One... two...

Jeff!

- Oh, my god!
- I said three!

Jeff, please, would you
just get in the car?

I was making a head start!

On your wife?

You two are acting
like children right now.

Now, get in the car.
Right now. Get in this car.

Put your seat belt on,
for Christ's sake.

Oh, my god.
Come on, come on,
come on...

Go, go, go, go, go.
Let's go, let's go,
let's go.

What is going on here, Tim?

Are you stealing
secrets from mbi?

We're not stealing
secrets from you.

-There they are.
-I see them.

We're spies.

His seat belt
is jammed! Pull over.

- Shut up!
Jeff gets
car sick in the back!

-Quiet!
-Shut up!

You broke into our house.

What kind of neighbors
are you?

You planted a bug
in our house. What kind
of neighbors are you?

--You know,
they kind of have a point.

- It's so hot in here.
Put the ac on. Please!
No.

Can you turn the
air conditioner on, please?

-It's not going on!
-It's hot.

- My seat belt's not on!
- Wait!

Okay, it's about
to get weird.

About to get weird?

- Quick question. Are you guys
the good guys or bad guys?

What do you think?

I think the guys
in black...
-Shit!

...on the motorcycles
shooting at us,
might be the bad guys.

- Get down, get down, get down!

--What is that?

Oh. It's camp.

What?

Hey, sweetie.
How are you?

-Yeah, the cookies
are for both of you.
-Karen!

Mikey, if you split it,
he gets to choose first.

-Karen!
-Because that's fair!

Get down! Get down
Karen, get off the phone!

Because otherwise you would
make one piece bigger, honey.

And then you'd pick that one.
Put Mikey on, put Mikey--

just split the cookie!
Just split the cookie!

Oh, shit!

To the right, Natalie.

Thanks, Karen.

Brake!

Ah! Oh, my god!

Oh, oh, oh!

Okay. Okay. Okay.

Please get out of the way.
Please get out of the way
so I can see.

There's something blinking
on the back of the car.
Is that bad?

--Yes, Jeff, that is
decidedly bad.

You need to go out there
and take that off.

-Wha... I need to take it off?
-Yes!

-Well, can you slow down?
-No!

- I'm driving.
We're being chased.
Get it off!

I'm not gonna slow down.
They're trying to kill us!

Oh, right. Coming from the guy
who wouldn't turn on
the air conditioner.

--Slow down a little bit.

I'm getting wet!
I'm getting wet!

Getting wet is better
than getting shot!

It's hot!

Three targets,
two shots. You got this?

Always.

How you doing
back there, Jeff?
We need you, buddy.

Wait.

-Okay.
-Wait.

Now.

I got it! I got it! Now what?

Hold on, Jeff!

Ohh!

Throw it! Throw it!

Oh!

- Five here?
So, what do you think?

I think I'm stuck.

Yeah. Um, well, I think, uh,
one, two, three, four, five...
It's gotta be six.

Here we go, folks.

- Scrambled whites with toast.
- Thank you.

-Three-egg omelet
with potatoes.
-Thank you!

Eggs, potatoes, and bacon.
And a side of bacon.

- Yum, yum, yum, yum!
- Thank you very much.

Oh, my goodness!

Mmm. Mmm.

What? High speed car chases
make me hungry, honey.

Okay, uh, mis...
Mr. and Mrs. Jones,

if that's who, you know,
you really are.

I have a couple of questions.
And, um...

I think this time
we kind of deserve the truth.

- You're entitled to it.
Okay, question
number one.

Are you in the CIA?

Honey, that's
a wasted question.
They can't answer that.

Question number two then.
Who are you after?

We can't tell you.

Okay. Question number three.
Is it somebody we know?

Can't say that, either.

You just said we were
entitled to the truth.

Did say you were entitled
to the truth. Doesn't mean
we can give it to you.

You know what, honey?
It's probably classified.

That's why they can't tell us.

-Do you want any of this?
-Yeah. I'll have
some potatoes.

I'm glad everybody's just...
Enjoying their meal
while we're in the middle

of a... like a, like a thing!

-You guys are just eating
like there's nothing going on.
-Relax!

- ...and I'm a little
troubled by it!
-Shh.

Honey!
That is not okay.

Fine.

I'll, I'll keep asking
'til I get something
that's not classified.

Is that fine with you?

Okay.

Question 17.

After a shootout like that,
who cleans up all the bullets?

Okay, can you guys
tell us anything at all?

I'm not Greek.
I'm Israeli.

Ex-Mossad?

Can't tell you.

Come on. Are you
guys even married?

Can you even tell us that?

Yes. That actually
you can't fake.

But that's it?
Everything else was a lie?

I mean, 'cause I think
when you told me
that you hated your job,

that seemed real. I mean,
from an hr perspective.

That, that seemed real.

You told him
you hate your job?

I may have mentioned
certain misgivings,
in confidence.

Interesting.

Why is this
coming out now?

Because Jeff is actually
a good listener.

And I did mention that
to you before, in marrakesh.

At that place that
we always go to. Hazim's.

That day, we spent the whole
afternoon there.

We talked about
maybe getting out of this.
We talked about

I could actually become
a travel writer, for real!

We could maybe have a child.

That was hypothetical.
It wasn't a life plan.

- I didn't think it--

okay. This is what we do.
Automatically, we go to Hebrew

-and then it's gonna be
a whole thing.
-Shh. Okay.

-And I, 'cause I can't speak--
-and who puts a bug
in a glass sculpture?

I happen to like my
glass sculptures and I like
to share them with people.

It's a legitimate thing.
It's actually appropriate

to give somebody a gift.
What isn't appropriate,

however, is what you happened
to wear at the yard party.

So, now you want me to dress
like some kind of a sexless

-elementary school nurse...
-Oh, come on.
I'm not talking...

-...just to fit in with the
other mothers, right?
-...About being sexless.

-No offense, Karen.
-You look great!

You look amazing.
But you have to fit in!

I mean, it's called
being undercover.

I mean, you had
no problem wearing
a burqa in Kabul.

Right! But this is
the suburbs!

It's hard. Don't you get it?
Women here are vicious.

Can I say? You don't know
the women here.

There you go.

We don't know anything.

Why did you bug our house?

Well, actually, you know
less than nothing.

But the agency
received credible intel

that someone was
using your work computer
to commit treason

against the United States
of America.

We were using you
to get to whoever they are.

Why not tell him everything?

Who cares?

Ten years, 30 countries,
nobody finds us out,

and we couldn't even
last a week in suburbia!

--Can I pay, please?

Stupid question.
Um, what do we do now?

Yeah, what do we do now?

Just stick to your routine.

And nobody finds out
about any of this, okay?

I won't tell anybody.

Yeah, keep it quiet.

Um, there's this other thing
i needed to ask.

I know you guys are
undercover and this whole
thing is a setup, but...

The other day
at the cobra club,

was that about getting
me drunk and having me
betray my co-workers

or was that about two guys,
you know, maybe starting
a friendship?

It was about getting you drunk
and betraying your co-workers.

Oh, okay. Yeah.

But the indoor skydiving...

That was about being friends.

Ha! See,
i told you we bonded.

Okay. Remember,
nobody finds out about this.

No.
I won't even tell my mom.
-Okay?

Locking it up.
Hey, hey. Uh...

Oh, one other thing. Um...

I know I'm not
a licensed therapist, okay?

But talk, communicate
with one another, okay?

Jeff is big
on communication.

I communicate.
That's what I do.

- You sure do.
- Talk, talk, talk.

No, no, no, no, no.
You're absolutely right, Jeff.

Communication is
a great thing.

-All right, I'll see you.
-Bye!

Thanks!
-I should go.

-Okay. Take care.
-See you.

That's so nice of you
to tell them that, honey.

Yeah.

I think the joneses
are going to be just fine.

Yeah.

- After you, my dear.
- Thank you.

Timmy...

Well, it was most likely
just a gas leak. So...

Well, thank you
for your statements.

- Thank you very much.
- Good night.

Okay.

Whoever killed the joneses
are gonna come after us next.

Do you think we did
the right thing by lying
to the police?

We promised the Jones
that we wouldn't say anything.

Well, do you think that
promises count, honey,

when the people
that we made them to are dead?

Yes!

Plus,
i don't wanna be haunted.

They've taken
the barricades down.

Oh, my god!

All right, listen,
I'm gonna grab the essentials.

We're gonna need
our passports. We're gonna
need our birth certificates.

And we'll need some duct tape.

Get some peppercorns, too!

Mikey...
-Coffee, teas, goldfish.

I'm gonna get
these onions here.

-Don't take the onions, honey.
Put the onions back.
-No, no, no, no. Onions...

-You don't need onions.
-Well, I need...

Trail mix!
-I can't choose.

This is a 2,000-piece puzzle.

This is a weapon.

Yeah! Or we can
make chicken parm.

-It would be nice to have--
-what! You always buy this.

You should buy
the organic one. I've been
through this with you.

I don't wanna talk
about that right now.

Jeff, don't take
the ginger snaps!

I know, but we might need...

-Calm down, Jeff.
-Okay!

I'm taking this red bull.

Where are we going?

I don't know.
Anywhere. Just pack!

I've never been
on the run before, Karen.

I mean,
should I take a bikini,
in case it's gonna get hot?

No! A bathing suit?
Take socks!
Socks! I need my socks.

We gotta get the kids.
We gotta get my mom!

Don't bring her into this!
We said twice a year.

Christmas and easter!

--Oh, god! Okay. Okay.

Okay. You know what?
-Karen.

It's probably just a fuse.

Because a house exploded,
it could just be a problem
with the grid.

Yeah.

Maybe you should check
the fuse box, honey.

-Okay, yeah.
-And I'm gonna just...

Stay here and pack.

Maybe you should, uh,
go with me to the fuse box.

That way you're
not, uh, alone.

Shh, shh, shh, shh.
Okay, here we go.

Okay, okay, yeah, yeah,
yeah, yeah. There we go.

There it is.
There it is.

Okay.

--It was just
the circuit breaker.

- It's okay.
-Good lord!

Shh. Don't scream.
It's not what you think.

What, you didn't kidnap
our friends and tie them
to chairs?

Well, it is what you think.
But it's not for the reasons
you think.

Dan is the one
selling secrets from mbi.

What?
-You're right.
She's very good.

Told you.

Dan, is that true?

And how are you two alive?
Your house exploded.

Jeff, things aren't
always what they seem.

You should know that by now.

So?

How could you not tell me
you were feeling this way?

Well, look...

To be honest, you are not
exactly the easiest
woman in the world

for a man
to admit his fears to.

What?

How can you
say that to me?

I'm compassionate
and sensitive.

You can say
anything to me.

Well, calling me a pussy
in Hebrew is not
helping things.

Run.

Whoa!

You dove headfirst
through a plate glass window?

It's not as hard as it seems.

Okay, who's behind all this?
Who's trying to kill you?

It's an international arms
dealer who calls himself
the scorpion.

The agency's been
after him for years.

And your friends here
were about to sell him these.

That's what we make
at mbi?

What are these?

Microchips.

In the wrong hands,
the information on those chips

could be used to undermine
the entire U.S. missile
defense system.

For the last three months,
Dan's been smuggling them
out of the building.

Prison-style.

Wait. Prison-style?
What do you mean?

I think that means
he put 'em in a balloon
and stuck 'em up his butt.

What?

Oh, god!

Why did you do this, Dan?

That's exactly what
we're about to find out, Jeff.

Yeah.

--Tim! Um...

Spread your legs, Danny boy.

Mrs. Jones has
some work to do.

- Natalie...

Oh, Jesus. Jeff.
Jeff, please, do something!

Either you talk...

Jeff, stop her please!
She's a psychopath!

Tim, can I just have
a word with you guys
for one second, please?

Please don't hurt me.
Please.

- Okay, okay.
Get this psycho
away from me, Jeff.

Relax.

We're excited that
you guys are still alive.

But this is our basement.
This is not a abu ghraib,
you know, scenario here.

-Our kids play down here.
-I don't like it either.

But this is a
national security situation.

Yeah, but you can't torch
a man's scrotum and
expect him to speak.

You'd be surprised.

These are human beings.

You gotta connect
with them, okay?

Let me talk to 'em
for two minutes.

He's a people person.

You have 90 seconds.

Okey-dokey.

Okay, Meg.

Ow!

Dan, I, want you to know...

Like the hr department,
this basement is a place
of non-judgment, okay?

And even though
you stole from the company

and betrayed your country
and cul-de-sac,

and, you know,

placed microchips
in your darkest cavity,

mistakes happen!

Oh, my god! Can we
please waterboard them
and get this over with?

We live in confusing times.

And I think that the lines
between right and wrong
become blurry.

It's hard to even know
what those words mean,
isn't it, Dan?

What is this?
Good cop, good cop?

Look, I might not know
what's going on,
on the sixth floor,

but did you know
that every time
an employee requests a raise

it comes through
the hr department?

And I've seen your requests.

And I know that they've
been denied, every time,
for the last five years.

That's a lot of time, Dan.
Lot of good time you gave
to the company, huh?

Where's your
piece of the pie?

Exactly.

You know how hard it is
to raise four children on
a rocket scientist's salary?

Oh, god!
Shut up, you idiot!

No! You shut up, lady MacBeth!

Okay.

You're the one who
pushed me into this,
you know that?

-Okay.
-With all your constant
demands and trendy needs.

I did not tell you
to go on Jeff's computer

and make a deal
with an arms dealer!

Well, you didn't
tell me not to.

Jeff...

I was at the end of my rope.

I mean, the financial
pressure was crazy.

Groceries and tutors and...

I got four kids under 13
in braces.

Do you understand?
Do you, Jeff?

I do. You know I do.

I mean,

if kids have crooked teeth,

we can't have crooked teeth
in this society.

This isn't Great Britain,
you know?

There's all sorts of things
you have to
keep up with and...

New tires for the minivan,
piano lessons,

you know, and,
because all that...

Carl pronger is dead!

Hang on!
Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!
Get a hold of yourself!

--I never wanted anyone
to get hurt, Jeff. I swear.

We were protecting you.

The scorpion doesn't even
know who you are. Karen!

Shut up, Meg!

Brooklyn loft is stupid.

All right, not helping.

I'm crying.

Where did you get an onion?

- Who? Me?
- Yeah, you.

I got it from upstairs.
From our kitchen.

Is this your phone?
Is this the scorpion calling?

I'm gonna answer this
and you're gonna talk to him.

And you're gonna
lead us to him.

He'll sniff me out
in a second.
You know what he's capable of.

-Answer the phone now.
-Natalie...

No more games.

Oh, look, I can't.
I'm not a spy!
I'm a soccer dad!

--He never misses a game.

Oh, my god. All right,
I'm gonna answer it.

No, we can't.
Our cover was blown,
remember?

Well, I don't have
a lot of options.

What do you want me to do?

Hello?

Hello? Mr. rascal flatts?

I needed a cover name.

Hello?

Hi! Um.

Yes, this is rascal.

Are you and your wife
ready to make the deal?

Yes, uh, Mrs. flatts and i
are very excited about it.

Tomorrow night.
The odyssey hotel. 9:00 P.M.

Go to the v-bar. A table
will be reserved for you.

Bring the requested item
and wait.

Uh, v-bar. Okay, uh,
thank you very much.

Oh, just out of curiosity,
is there a dress code?

I'll... I can look
that up online.

Okay.

What have I done?

Oh, no, no.
You did everything great!

You did everything great.

-Okay.
-You did!

- I did.
Jeff and Karen,
welcome to

the sexy and exciting world

of international espionage
and covert operations.

Buddy, I think it's time
we get you in a proper suit.

Oh, nice!
Is it an extra medium?

A killer dress.

That's all of it?

This tie has been fitted
with a miniature
surveillance mic.

It's completely undetectable.

Oh, I don't know
if I can walk in these.

The heel is equipped
with a tracking device

that allows us to monitor
your every move.

Natalie and I will secure
a position right upstairs
on the roof.

And establish
a command center.

Now, you know at some point,
you're gonna have to
put on pants.

Yeah. I know.
I'm just nervous still.

It's gonna be okay.

Simple in and out job.

Make the exchange,
leave the hotel.

Got it. In and out.
Um, just out of curiosity,

what happens, you know,
worst-case scenario?

-Worst-case scenario?
-Mm-hmm.

We radio for backup,
and we storm the place

with the full force
of the United States
government.

Okay. Got it.

-Okay?
-Yeah.

You look good.

Don't forget those pants.

Reminds me of our first date.

And our second.

What's wrong?

We never really did finish
that conversation, did we?

Well, the house did explode.

So...

Look, I just want you
to know I realized
something last night

when I was about to fry
Dan's testicles.

I know I'm not
the best listener,

but I can change.

--What? You don't think I can?

--No, no, no. I know you can.

Just don't change
too much, okay?

Okay.

Honey, are you ready?
What are you doing?

- I was just listening
to some rascal flatts.

Trying to get into character.

Oh, god! Patrick leaves
these toys on the stairs.

-Somebody's gonna
hurt themselves.
-Karen!

What? Do you like it?
Is it too much?

No! Not at all.
It's just enough.

-Oh, thanks, honey.
-Is this the lingerie you were
wearing the other day?

Yeah, I figured
if we're gonna do this,
i should do it right.

Yeah.

You look so handsome.

Oh, thank you very much.

How much time until
we have to be at the hotel?

We've got 45 minutes.

-Oh, Karen. Oh, Karen.
-Jeff,

your tie's stuck.

- Karen!
-Oh! Sorry, honey.

What?

I think they're having sex.

God damn it,
we don't have time for this.

I mean, they're supposed to be
here in 45 minutes.

Nope, they are done.

All right.

Oh, wow! Look, honey.
Beautiful design!

- Hey, Karen.
-Yeah?

-Thanks so much
for the sex.
-Aww...

Go.

Hello!

-Um...
-Hi.

Hi. We have a reservation
for two

-under the name rascal flatts.
-Flatts.

It's not our real name.

- We're having an affair.

Come with me.

Hey, Tim. We're in
the restaurant right now.
Everything's going okay.

Honey, Sushi.

There's Sushi as well.
I'm gonna sign off
for right now.

Ciao.

-Oh, that's our table.
-No, this way.

Really?

Thank you so much.

Is this the line
to the little boys' room?
I don't need to use it.

Come.

I'm confused. Oh, I...

It's part of the...

I thought it was just
gonna be us.

You fellas with the scorpion?

All right,
they're on the move.

Moving into position.

Thank you.

There he is. Rascal flatts.

You have any trouble
finding the place?

No. Your henchmen were very...
I'm a little ticklish there.

Your henchmen were
very helpful.

This must be the wife. Wow!
You guys really dressed up
for tonight.

Thank you. Yeah.
Well, we don't get out
very often.

So, when we do, we,
we really like to make
the most of it.

Awesome.

-Ivan?
-All clear.

Sorry about the frisking.
You cannot be too careful
in my line of work.

Let me make it up to you

with some very expensive,
very delicious champagne.

Wow! Look at that gun.

--And by the way,

you two have gotta try
this dip. It's amazing.

It's a cheat day for me,
so I went a little crazy
with room service.

I hope you don't mind.

Well, Mrs. flatts makes
a great seven-layer dip.
I'll tell you that.

Oh, I bet she does.

I do. The secret is, uh,
an extra layer.
An eight-layer dip.

Oh! Sneaky! I love that.

Mmm.

Do I know you from somewhere?

I seriously doubt it.

He's a people person.

Come on, Jeff.
Stay calm.

Just do what we talked about.

Well, did the people person
bring this person
his computer chips?

Oh, yes. Yes, yes.
You'll find them right here.

Careful.

Denver, 2010.

Were you at the national
aerospace convention?

Because I think we were
in the same focus group.

Are we still doing this?

No, we're n-- it's done.
It's really done.
It's so done.

Why does he keep
asking those questions?

I don't think he can help it.
It's just what he does.

He connects with people.

Perfect, as promised.
-Shit.

Ivan?

-Whoa, okay.
Here we go. Thank you.
-Whoa!

-Okay! We got it. Great.
-Yeah. That checks out.

Well, pleasure doing business
with both of you.

Thank you, Mr. scorpion
and friends.

Thank you. Yeah.
Okay. Grab that stuff...

Hey! You drop
your little ball.

Oh, that's fine. We have...
I have plenty of those.

Keep it. Keep it. It's a...

Excuse me.
-Stop!

You're the hr guy.

No, he's not.
He's an engineer.
He... Dr. flatts.

-Yeah, I'm in
the rocket sciences.
-He went to college!

- He's very smart. Mit.
- No.

No.

You were right.

We have met before.

See, from '02 to '05,
i was a mid-level
drone at mbi.

-And you are Jeff gaffney.
-No.

-Human resources.
-Wrong.

- Yeah. You helped me
with my "suicidal depression."
no.

-With your little trust
exercises and stress balls!
-Ow!

This entire thing is a setup!

Goddamn it, Jeff!

Decoys have been made.
I repeat,
decoys have been made.

We need to extract.
Do you copy?

Carlos, take a team out,
lock the hallway down.

Yuri, take four guys up
the stairwell to the roof.

Radio the helicopter,
we are getting the hell
out of here.

We need backup to extract
the decoys. Do you copy?

Negative.
Collateral damage.

We cannot engage
in a public arena.
Pull back and abort.

Do you copy?

Jones, do you copy?

- Boris, get some ice tongs
and a cigarette lighter.

Goddamn it, Jones.
Do you copy?

Copy, copy.
Pulling out.
I repeat, pulling out.

We'll meet you
at the extraction point.

You really wanna
just leave them in there?

Of course not.

They're our neighbors.

Sweetie,
everything's fine, okay?

That's why I rent
the extra henchmen,
for situations like this.

- Is it Peter? No.
-That's why I paid

- for the whole floor.
-Honey,
what are you doing?

-I'm trying to figure out
his name.
-Chopper to the jet.

We'll be in Jakarta
by morning,

-and when we get there, i--
-Bruce.

You talking to me?

I remember your name.
Your name is Bruce.

Bruce springstine.

I... no, I think you have me
confused with somebody else.

Nah, I'm the one that mediated
your parking space dispute.

Is that what caused you
to go into a life of crime?

-A bruised ego
over a lousy parking space?
-Jesus Christ!

What is this? What is this?
Amateur night?

Wait a second.

Your name is
Bruce springstine?

Yes, Ivan, it is.
It's Bruce springstine

and it's a perfectly good name
like any other name.

And, uh, you wanted us
to call you the boss?

I didn't want you guys
to call me "the boss."

I wanted you
to call me, "boss."

All right? And that's just
for simplicity's sake. Okay?

That's just sad.

And that parking space thing
was bullshit, all right?

I'd been there
for three years!

They still had me in lot d!

That's the other side
of the highway, okay?

I had to cross the...

-The footbridge thing. Yeah!
-The little... the footbridge!

A footbridge, every day,

rain or shine!

So, thank you.

- I am really going
to enjoy this.
Okay, okay.

- Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait!
- -No!

Oh, good. Seal team's here.

- Go, go, go! Get down,
get down, get down!

- Go, boys! Go, go, go!
Shock and awe! Shock and awe!

Honey, I can't hear anything.

They're silent killers.
That's how they got bin laden.
Let's just stay down, okay?

Okay.

Ahem!

Where's...
Where's the backup?

Those guys are with him.

There's no backup, Jeff.

They pulled out
when you blew your cover.

-Oh!
-What do-- what do you mean
there's no backup?

You're what they call
"collateral damage."

-That's not good.
I saw it on homeland!
-Well, can't...

What do you me--
you didn't say anything
about collateral damage!

I asked you about
the worst-case scenario
and you said,

"well,
the worst-case scenario,
I'll have backup."

Well, this is worse!
This is worse
than the worst-case scenario.

You lied to our faces.

I did not lie to you.
I... now, I may have left out
a few key details...

That's a lie, Timothy!

That, that is lying
by omission.
That's textbook--

you know what? My whole job
is lying. Okay? That's why
i fucking hate it!

- I'm sorry, Jeff.
- You're apologizing to him?

You can't possibly care
about this loser.

You know what? I actually
do care about this loser.

I mean, you and I live
in a world where
everybody lies.

And everybody hides everything
and obfuscates.

But, not... not Jeff gaffney.

Jeff doesn't live
in that world.
He's an honest person.

He's forthright,
he's friendly.
He's a good neighbor.

Do you have any idea how much
courage that takes?
Real courage?

For my money,
he's the bravest guy
in this room.

Oh, please.

- Spare me the morality!
- Hey!

Just hear me out, all right?

Look, the gaffneys,
they don't belong
in our world.

We don't.
We really don't.

Okay?
They're too good for that.

Why don't we let them go
back to their world.

And then you and I,

we can settle this here?

Here in our world.

You guys can go
murder each other

and stuff.
Just leave us out of this.

You know what?
I'm just gonna take care of
everything myself. Bruno,

lay the plastic sheeting out.
I don't wanna lose
the security deposit.

-Wait a minute! Wait a minute!
-Can I finish a thought today?

I'm so sorry, Mr. scorpion.

But, uh, Natalie,

ever since we tried on
underwear together...

-I'm sorry.
You talking to her?
-Mm-hmm.

Finish your thought.

I realized something.

I've been living a lie, also.

Karen!

What is happening to my life?

Oh, my god!

-How long have you been
living that lie?
-Oh, honey!

What? No! I didn't mean it.
I just had to get the knife
to her somehow!

Oh, okay! I get it now.
Oh, god! Thank god!
Okay, it's gonna be okay.

It's raining men!

You guys okay?

Grab the chips and follow us.

Come on, let's go.

-Chopper's ready.
-Yeah, get 'em.

And get the chips!

- Get back, get back, get back!

I'm almost out.

Me too.

What are we gonna do?

- We'll have to jump for it.
-Jump? Jump from where?

Down there.

There's a pool down below.

It's our only chance.

Did you think
any of this through?

Okay.

Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!
Where are you going?

- Jeff? Jeff!

Oh, Jeff. Jeff are you okay?

--I just farted.
-Buddy! Buddy! You can't jump
through the window like that.

That's triple pane glass!
You gotta break it first.

--Appreciate the effort though.

Scoot back, everybody,
all right? Just scoot back.

- Get outta the way.

Really?

Stand back!

What? Oh.

Where'd you get that?

I picked it up
off a dead guy.

-I thought he didn't need it.
-Run!

-Out of the window!
-All right. Come on.
We're doing this. Let's go!

- Now! Now!
- Jump! Jump! Jump!

Whoa!

It's okay, everybody.
It's okay.

Where's Jeff?

Guys, where's Jeff?

Jeff! Jeff, you've gotta...

-Jeff, you've gotta jump!
-Jeff!

Jeff!
-Give me a second.

- Jeff, jump! Please!
- Just run and jump!

Uh... this is perfect.

You've been a pain
in my ass all day, Jeff.

Okay, li...
Bru... Mr. scorpion,

we all make choices
in life and I...

I'm not being judgmental,
i promise you,

but do you really think that
violence is the solution?
There's this exer--

he's all yours, gravity.

And that's why
you don't sting the...

Always have plan b.

I know
it seemed a lot higher.

Thank you very much.
That's for you. Keep it all.

Maybe you could videotape that
and put it online.

Where did you get
the gun from?

Well, no. I don't think we're
gonna keep any of that online.

Where did you get
the gun from?

That would get a lot of hits,
wouldn't it?

And I lined it up,
and smashed.

Because there's shooting...

-Probably wanna keep it
a little on the down low.
-You just took it. Amazing.

Yes. Of course.
Yeah, no, no,
of course. Yes. Yes.

I'm just saying.

I'm so proud of you guys.

-You guys wanna come inside?
-Yeah, come in.

Where are you guys staying?

-You could stay with us!
-Stay with us!

Why wouldn't you stay with us?
We have a pull-out couch.

You can borrow some of
my boxer briefs if you need
anything to lounge in.

- I've got... a Wii.
We've got
a flat screen TV!

We have, uh, free Wi-Fi.

-You guys are great! Really.
-It's very nice of you
to offer.

But...

Our ride is coming.

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.
You got your things
you have to do.

Your missions.

Is that an uber?

Sort of.

-Hug?
-Just a hug?

- Just a hug.

Thank you.
You're an amazing woman.

- Thank you.

You made an incredible life
for yourself here, Jeff.

Just remember to leave
the cul-de-sac,
every now and again.

You'd be surprised
at what you find out there.

We'll remember.

- Time to go.
-Yes.

Where...
Wh-where's the driver?

Right here.

There's no driver
in the car.

If they're shooting at us,
i get to drive.

Now you wanna drive.

I see how it works.

You get to drive the good car.

Bye, you guys!

Okay.

You know, it's parents day
at the camp tomorrow.

This is going
straight to Facebook.
Keep sucking!

--That's good.

What does it taste like?

It tastes like, uh,
Mikey's sock.

But I mean that in a good way.
Here, try it.

-Oh, I miss Mikey's
little feet and his socks.
-Yeah. Here.

- Okay, ready?

Oh, god!
That really hurt.

What?

Oh, my god!

- Guys!
- Natalie! Tim!

You've gotta be kidding me!

What?

-Can I take this?
-Are you kidding me?

We are here because of you.

You told us about this place

and that's why we came!

You are here. In marrakesh.

-That's a good memory. Wow.
-Amazing!

-What?
-That's amazing.

My god.
-You have a baby!

- Yes, he just fell asleep.
- He just fell asleep.

You had a baby? You old dogs!

Does that mean
you guys left the agency?

- Well, yeah. It's a very...
- Well...

-Yeah?
-Long story. But we can't
really get into it right now.

But, um, it's...
Well, it's good to
see you! Huh?

-Gosh!
-Jeff, do me, do me
a big favor? Will you just...

-Scoot a little bit
to your right? Thank you!
-Yeah. Sure thing.

I am blown away,
you guys. This is un--

um, Jeff, I don't want you
to turn around right now,

but there are, uh,
four guys in fezzes
behind you on the...

Uh, Jeff, I just said
don't turn around.

Jeff, I just specifically
asked you not to turn around.

I know but you said
there are four guys
in fezzes behind me.

We're in Morocco.
There's a lot of fezzes.

But it's human nature,
i think, to turn around
to something like that.

Don't you think?

Honey, honey.
We blew their cover again.

No! No.

What?

We should feed the baby?
-Yeah, I think we should
feed the baby.

If you can just
pass me the bottle,
- we blew their cover?

-That would be great.
-Darn it.

- Can you hold this bag for me?
-Do you mind holding the baby?

- Before you freak out,
it's just a baby.
How are your kids doing?

-All right? Don't worry.
-Kids are great!
I have pictures right here.

-Karen, how do you get--
-I'll tell you what.

Just put it in here
and show me.

Kind of see
what I'm dealing with.

Okay. I see now.

Okay? See what that is?

-Now, listen.
-It's okay, honey.

- I need you to breathe, okay?
You've done this before.
You can do it.

On three, I want you
to get down,
and take cover. Okay?

- One.
- One.

Two...

Jesus, Jeff!
Everybody down, right now.

I miss those guys.

Me too.