Original subtitles

thank you

thank you

thank you [Music]

ladies and gentlemen welcome to the Art

ladies and gentlemen welcome to the Art

ladies and gentlemen welcome to the Art Theater can you please go mental for Jim

Theater can you please go mental for Jim

Theater can you please go mental for Jim Jeffrey

all right

are you all going

are you all going

are you all going welcome to the recording of my first

welcome to the recording of my first

welcome to the recording of my first ever DVD people so thank you for coming

ever DVD people so thank you for coming

ever DVD people so thank you for coming oh yeah hey

oh yeah hey

oh yeah hey who's seen me before give me a yell

who's seen me before give me a yell

who's seen me before give me a yell right you've never seen me

right you've never seen me

right you've never seen me okay you do seem like a happier Bunch uh

okay you do seem like a happier Bunch uh

okay you do seem like a happier Bunch uh well it is a show it's called 30 man uh

well it is a show it's called 30 man uh

well it is a show it's called 30 man uh it's just basically a lot of stories

it's just basically a lot of stories

it's just basically a lot of stories heading up to the age I am now I just

heading up to the age I am now I just

heading up to the age I am now I just wanted to rip off the 300 posters so

wanted to rip off the 300 posters so

wanted to rip off the 300 posters so it's really got nothing to do with

it's really got nothing to do with

it's really got nothing to do with [ __ ] nothing there's no point in it I

[ __ ] nothing there's no point in it I

[ __ ] nothing there's no point in it I mean I I get to travel on this job

mean I I get to travel on this job

mean I I get to travel on this job actually this is the third date on the

actually this is the third date on the

actually this is the third date on the tour two days ago I was in Helsinki

tour two days ago I was in Helsinki

tour two days ago I was in Helsinki doing a gig and that which we got 600

doing a gig and that which we got 600

doing a gig and that which we got 600 people came to the [ __ ] gig but only

people came to the [ __ ] gig but only

people came to the [ __ ] gig but only because I just like going are you the

because I just like going are you the

because I just like going are you the man who got punched in the face

man who got punched in the face

man who got punched in the face so good to see you I love that [ __ ] I

so good to see you I love that [ __ ] I

so good to see you I love that [ __ ] I mean I went there I went to Sweden man

mean I went there I went to Sweden man

mean I went there I went to Sweden man the Swedish people the best looking

the Swedish people the best looking

the Swedish people the best looking people I've ever seen in my entire life

people I've ever seen in my entire life

people I've ever seen in my entire life I didn't see what ugly [ __ ] I was out

I didn't see what ugly [ __ ] I was out

I didn't see what ugly [ __ ] I was out there I think they might be killing the

there I think they might be killing the

there I think they might be killing the ugly people now I'm not saying they're

ugly people now I'm not saying they're

ugly people now I'm not saying they're walking around killing people I'm saying

walking around killing people I'm saying

walking around killing people I'm saying they're doing it from birth right

they're doing it from birth right

they're doing it from birth right they're being like a woman giving birth

they're being like a woman giving birth

they're being like a woman giving birth to be like a doctor and it'll be like an

to be like a doctor and it'll be like an

to be like a doctor and it'll be like an official guy in the corner right the

official guy in the corner right the

official guy in the corner right the doctor pulls the baby out he shows it to

doctor pulls the baby out he shows it to

doctor pulls the baby out he shows it to the official bloke he goes

the official bloke he goes

the official bloke he goes no

no

no no the doctor gets the baby's head

no the doctor gets the baby's head

no the doctor gets the baby's head throws it in the corner with all the

throws it in the corner with all the

throws it in the corner with all the other ugly dead babies

other ugly dead babies

other ugly dead babies and they're such a rational breed and I

and they're such a rational breed and I

and they're such a rational breed and I think the woman would even be upset

think the woman would even be upset

think the woman would even be upset I think she'd just be going was it

I think she'd just be going was it

I think she'd just be going was it directly was it

directly was it

directly was it thank you for saving me from the shame

thank you for saving me from the shame

thank you for saving me from the shame there's my own thoughts you know I

there's my own thoughts you know I

there's my own thoughts you know I shouldn't have had sex with a Scottish

shouldn't have had sex with a Scottish

shouldn't have had sex with a Scottish fan

of the balcony people

just I can't see you all right I just

just I can't see you all right I just

just I can't see you all right I just want to know if there was some people up

want to know if there was some people up

want to know if there was some people up there

there

there I'll tell you a bit about me family me

I'll tell you a bit about me family me

I'll tell you a bit about me family me uh 15 year old cousin who's recently

uh 15 year old cousin who's recently

uh 15 year old cousin who's recently become pregnant and I'm only offended by

become pregnant and I'm only offended by

become pregnant and I'm only offended by this as a taxpayer uh

this as a taxpayer uh

this as a taxpayer uh I think if you can't afford it if I can

I think if you can't afford it if I can

I think if you can't afford it if I can cut the [ __ ] thing out but it's not

cut the [ __ ] thing out but it's not

cut the [ __ ] thing out but it's not my problem Yani has to take care of it

my problem Yani has to take care of it

my problem Yani has to take care of it you know

you know

you know She's Gotta [ __ ] keep it

She's Gotta [ __ ] keep it

She's Gotta [ __ ] keep it he's gonna [ __ ] keep thing um

he's gonna [ __ ] keep thing um

he's gonna [ __ ] keep thing um but I I went to rough school right when

but I I went to rough school right when

but I I went to rough school right when I was 14 15 16 no one was [ __ ] at my

I was 14 15 16 no one was [ __ ] at my

I was 14 15 16 no one was [ __ ] at my school nobody not even the cool kids

school nobody not even the cool kids

school nobody not even the cool kids were [ __ ] right we were happy with

were [ __ ] right we were happy with

were [ __ ] right we were happy with fingering all right

fingering all right

fingering all right bringing that back I can finger a girl

bringing that back I can finger a girl

bringing that back I can finger a girl in February that'll keep me going

in February that'll keep me going

in February that'll keep me going through till [ __ ] August right

through till [ __ ] August right

through till [ __ ] August right these kids today they all [ __ ] each

these kids today they all [ __ ] each

these kids today they all [ __ ] each other they all get [ __ ] knocked up

other they all get [ __ ] knocked up

other they all get [ __ ] knocked up and they get sex education I never had

and they get sex education I never had

and they get sex education I never had any sex education I didn't even have a

any sex education I didn't even have a

any sex education I didn't even have a sister me right these kids get sex

sister me right these kids get sex

sister me right these kids get sex education on a Monday or a Wednesday or

education on a Monday or a Wednesday or

education on a Monday or a Wednesday or whatever they have it they're all

whatever they have it they're all

whatever they have it they're all [ __ ] each other they're all getting

[ __ ] each other they're all getting

[ __ ] each other they're all getting pregnant I ain't too much information I

pregnant I ain't too much information I

pregnant I ain't too much information I think we should [ __ ] sex education off

think we should [ __ ] sex education off

think we should [ __ ] sex education off completely and just start showing these

completely and just start showing these

completely and just start showing these kids pornography from a very young age

kids pornography from a very young age

kids pornography from a very young age at least that way the boys will know to

at least that way the boys will know to

at least that way the boys will know to come in the girls faces

[Applause]

[Applause]

[Applause] trying to make a difference here people

trying to make a difference here people

trying to make a difference here people okay

because

because

because we [ __ ] my grandmother died uh

we [ __ ] my grandmother died uh

we [ __ ] my grandmother died uh I think uh last July or something like

I think uh last July or something like

I think uh last July or something like that she's 92 she's meant to [ __ ] die

that she's 92 she's meant to [ __ ] die

that she's 92 she's meant to [ __ ] die you know probably more surprised if she

you know probably more surprised if she

you know probably more surprised if she did a Motocross Rally or something

towards the end she just uh she had like

towards the end she just uh she had like

towards the end she just uh she had like four strokes and she had dementia she's

four strokes and she had dementia she's

four strokes and she had dementia she's just like a head and a chair really and

just like a head and a chair really and

just like a head and a chair really and and she had Dementia or as I like to

and she had Dementia or as I like to

and she had Dementia or as I like to call it honesty

because old people telling the truth

because old people telling the truth

because old people telling the truth thinking I bought this planet for 92

thinking I bought this planet for 92

thinking I bought this planet for 92 years I'm sick of lying to [ __ ] she's

years I'm sick of lying to [ __ ] she's

years I'm sick of lying to [ __ ] she's taking my money that's not my son

and she was meant to die like two years

and she was meant to die like two years

and she was meant to die like two years ago she was kept on getting Strokes

ago she was kept on getting Strokes

ago she was kept on getting Strokes we're all [ __ ] rang up by my mum

we're all [ __ ] rang up by my mum

we're all [ __ ] rang up by my mum going it's like two days to live right

going it's like two days to live right

going it's like two days to live right so she goes you better ring your

so she goes you better ring your

so she goes you better ring your grandmother she's gonna die any minute

grandmother she's gonna die any minute

grandmother she's gonna die any minute right so ring her up and say hey Grandma

right so ring her up and say hey Grandma

right so ring her up and say hey Grandma how are you and she goes not too good

how are you and she goes not too good

how are you and she goes not too good now when he I heard that uh I hear

now when he I heard that uh I hear

now when he I heard that uh I hear you're not doing well look Grandma I'm

you're not doing well look Grandma I'm

you're not doing well look Grandma I'm gonna miss you I love you I'm sorry

gonna miss you I love you I'm sorry

gonna miss you I love you I'm sorry you're dying and uh and she went I love

you're dying and uh and she went I love

you're dying and uh and she went I love you too Jim and then I cried and I

you too Jim and then I cried and I

you too Jim and then I cried and I thought well that's that I put the phone

thought well that's that I put the phone

thought well that's that I put the phone down and I went back to the PlayStation

down and I went back to the PlayStation

down and I went back to the PlayStation right

right

right and then like two years old and she

and then like two years old and she

and then like two years old and she wasn't dead

wasn't dead

wasn't dead what do you do do you call back what's

what do you do do you call back what's

what do you do do you call back what's the protocol

the protocol

the protocol you go good for you do you think you

you go good for you do you think you

you go good for you do you think you [ __ ] had it in you right

[ __ ] had it in you right

[ __ ] had it in you right every time she's going to die as well

every time she's going to die as well

every time she's going to die as well because my father lives in uh [ __ ]

because my father lives in uh [ __ ]

because my father lives in uh [ __ ] Sydney and my grandma lives in

Sydney and my grandma lives in

Sydney and my grandma lives in Queensland and he would go up to Barry's

Queensland and he would go up to Barry's

Queensland and he would go up to Barry's mum but because of her not dying he'd go

mum but because of her not dying he'd go

mum but because of her not dying he'd go up there and every time he'd have to

up there and every time he'd have to

up there and every time he'd have to take time off work and all that and

take time off work and all that and

take time off work and all that and every time he'd come back down I'd ring

every time he'd come back down I'd ring

every time he'd come back down I'd ring him up and go did Grandma die and he'd

him up and go did Grandma die and he'd

him up and go did Grandma die and he'd go nut and I go well better luck next

go nut and I go well better luck next

go nut and I go well better luck next time

oh she's got like 12 grandkids and we've

oh she's got like 12 grandkids and we've

oh she's got like 12 grandkids and we've all got the same inheritance we all got

all got the same inheritance we all got

all got the same inheritance we all got 100 bucks that's Australian 100

100 bucks that's Australian 100

100 bucks that's Australian 100 Australian that's [ __ ] 38 quit right

Australian that's [ __ ] 38 quit right

Australian that's [ __ ] 38 quit right that's not even enough for two lap dance

that's not even enough for two lap dance

that's not even enough for two lap dance is that right how is her spirit meant to

is that right how is her spirit meant to

is that right how is her spirit meant to live on

live on

live on and those people can [ __ ] hang on

and those people can [ __ ] hang on

and those people can [ __ ] hang on forever and ever because they're worried

forever and ever because they're worried

forever and ever because they're worried about the afterlife she wasn't gonna

about the afterlife she wasn't gonna

about the afterlife she wasn't gonna [ __ ] die that's the same reason the

[ __ ] die that's the same reason the

[ __ ] die that's the same reason the old Pope not the Nazi we got now the one

old Pope not the Nazi we got now the one

old Pope not the Nazi we got now the one before that right he wouldn't I remember

before that right he wouldn't I remember

before that right he wouldn't I remember the one that was curved like a banana

the one that was curved like a banana

the one that was curved like a banana right

right

right he wouldn't die because he was religious

he wouldn't die because he was religious

he wouldn't die because he was religious and evil every every time there was like

and evil every every time there was like

and evil every every time there was like a pedophile in the Catholic church he

a pedophile in the Catholic church he

a pedophile in the Catholic church he would just move them to a different

would just move them to a different

would just move them to a different church so that God's not watching her

church so that God's not watching her

church so that God's not watching her okay

okay

okay it's all gone a bit weird because I

it's all gone a bit weird because I

it's all gone a bit weird because I mentioned pedophilia

mentioned pedophilia

mentioned pedophilia um

um

um don't think that I don't know that

don't think that I don't know that

don't think that I don't know that pedophilia is a very awkward subject to

pedophilia is a very awkward subject to

pedophilia is a very awkward subject to bring up at a comedy gig at the five

bring up at a comedy gig at the five

bring up at a comedy gig at the five minute Mark of the show

minute Mark of the show

minute Mark of the show but let's have a go oh yeah

but let's have a go oh yeah

but let's have a go oh yeah I I I've had some personal I was

I I I've had some personal I was

I I I've had some personal I was molested by a scout master when I was

molested by a scout master when I was

molested by a scout master when I was young um this is true he never

young um this is true he never

young um this is true he never physically touched me or penetrated me

physically touched me or penetrated me

physically touched me or penetrated me he used to put me in a corner and

he used to put me in a corner and

he used to put me in a corner and masturbate on me but still not a great

masturbate on me but still not a great

masturbate on me but still not a great day and

I find

I find

I find I find pedophilia to be a very

I find pedophilia to be a very

I find pedophilia to be a very it's a very awkward in society if

it's a very awkward in society if

it's a very awkward in society if there's certain pedophiles that we

there's certain pedophiles that we

there's certain pedophiles that we condemn and then there's other

condemn and then there's other

condemn and then there's other pedophiles that when they do we don't

pedophiles that when they do we don't

pedophiles that when they do we don't even notice we just put it under the

even notice we just put it under the

even notice we just put it under the carpet and go I don't talk about that

carpet and go I don't talk about that

carpet and go I don't talk about that this it doesn't go does everyone know

this it doesn't go does everyone know

this it doesn't go does everyone know that Elvis Presley was a pedophile right

that Elvis Presley was a pedophile right

that Elvis Presley was a pedophile right there's no debating this Elvis Presley

there's no debating this Elvis Presley

there's no debating this Elvis Presley had Priscilla Presley move into his

had Priscilla Presley move into his

had Priscilla Presley move into his house at 14 years of age we're a funny

house at 14 years of age we're a funny

house at 14 years of age we're a funny fact though and then married her at 16

fact though and then married her at 16

fact though and then married her at 16 or 17 or something like that right so

or 17 or something like that right so

or 17 or something like that right so Elvis was a pedophile you happy with

Elvis was a pedophile you happy with

Elvis was a pedophile you happy with that right

that right

that right chaplain Charlie Chaplin was a pedophile

chaplain Charlie Chaplin was a pedophile

chaplain Charlie Chaplin was a pedophile he [ __ ] 13 year olds 14 year olds 15

he [ __ ] 13 year olds 14 year olds 15

he [ __ ] 13 year olds 14 year olds 15 year old girls yet there's a statue in

year old girls yet there's a statue in

year old girls yet there's a statue in the middle of Leicester Square of

the middle of Leicester Square of

the middle of Leicester Square of Charlie Chaplin where you can have your

Charlie Chaplin where you can have your

Charlie Chaplin where you can have your photograph taken with the pedophile

photograph taken with the pedophile

photograph taken with the pedophile but we forgive them because they're the

but we forgive them because they're the

but we forgive them because they're the best in their field

there's never going to be another king

there's never going to be another king

there's never going to be another king of rock and roll and I promise you there

of rock and roll and I promise you there

of rock and roll and I promise you there will never be a better silent movie star

at what point do we as a society go but

at what point do we as a society go but

at what point do we as a society go but they were good like what I'm trying to

they were good like what I'm trying to

they were good like what I'm trying to say is

say is

say is how talented do you have to be to [ __ ] a

how talented do you have to be to [ __ ] a

how talented do you have to be to [ __ ] a kid

right Gary Glitter

good song don't [ __ ] a kid

thank you

back to my grandma ah

back to my grandma ah

back to my grandma ah I'll tell you right today right when I

I'll tell you right today right when I

I'll tell you right today right when I was

was

was 17 years old I was in a School Musical

17 years old I was in a School Musical

17 years old I was in a School Musical as you do when you're in high school you

as you do when you're in high school you

as you do when you're in high school you do think plays and stuff like that I was

do think plays and stuff like that I was

do think plays and stuff like that I was in a School Musical and I got the lead

in a School Musical and I got the lead

in a School Musical and I got the lead role and my grandmother came down from

role and my grandmother came down from

role and my grandmother came down from Queensland to come and see the musical

Queensland to come and see the musical

Queensland to come and see the musical and stay with us and she was staying in

and stay with us and she was staying in

and stay with us and she was staying in my room and I had to keep out in the

my room and I had to keep out in the

my room and I had to keep out in the [ __ ] living room on the couch

[ __ ] living room on the couch

[ __ ] living room on the couch so

so

so she's there for a little while and my

she's there for a little while and my

she's there for a little while and my mum goes Go sing your grandmother a song

mum goes Go sing your grandmother a song

mum goes Go sing your grandmother a song and I'm like you sing a [ __ ] song

and I'm like you sing a [ __ ] song

and I'm like you sing a [ __ ] song guy singing grandmother's song I'm not

guy singing grandmother's song I'm not

guy singing grandmother's song I'm not going to sing a song and then I hear

going to sing a song and then I hear

going to sing a song and then I hear from my bedroom is Jim gonna sing me a

from my bedroom is Jim gonna sing me a

from my bedroom is Jim gonna sing me a song

song

song all right yes Grandma [ __ ] [ __ ]

all right yes Grandma [ __ ] [ __ ]

all right yes Grandma [ __ ] [ __ ] so I walk in there and I go what song

so I walk in there and I go what song

so I walk in there and I go what song would you like to hear grandma and she

would you like to hear grandma and she

would you like to hear grandma and she said Stormy Weather and so I went don't

said Stormy Weather and so I went don't

said Stormy Weather and so I went don't know why there's no sun up in the sky

know why there's no sun up in the sky

know why there's no sun up in the sky and my grandmother looked at me

and my grandmother looked at me

and my grandmother looked at me adoringly as only a grandmother could

adoringly as only a grandmother could

adoringly as only a grandmother could look at her grandson singing a song and

look at her grandson singing a song and

look at her grandson singing a song and then I finished the song and I went

then I finished the song and I went

then I finished the song and I went there you go grandma that's your song

there you go grandma that's your song

there you go grandma that's your song and I went to walk away and as I was

and I went to walk away and as I was

and I went to walk away and as I was walking away my grandmother goes I'll

walking away my grandmother goes I'll

walking away my grandmother goes I'll tell you a story and I'm like of course

tell you a story and I'm like of course

tell you a story and I'm like of course you tell me a [ __ ] story you've never

you tell me a [ __ ] story you've never

you tell me a [ __ ] story you've never not told me a story one day I'll get 38

not told me a story one day I'll get 38

not told me a story one day I'll get 38 quid and this will all be worthwhile all

quid and this will all be worthwhile all

quid and this will all be worthwhile all right

foreign

Queensland and I lived in gympie and

Queensland and I lived in gympie and

Queensland and I lived in gympie and there was a showroom and on a Wednesday

there was a showroom and on a Wednesday

there was a showroom and on a Wednesday they would have local Lads would come

they would have local Lads would come

they would have local Lads would come and sing in the Cabaret Bar and

and sing in the Cabaret Bar and

and sing in the Cabaret Bar and afterwards there was a singer who sang

afterwards there was a singer who sang

afterwards there was a singer who sang beautifully just like you and afterwards

beautifully just like you and afterwards

beautifully just like you and afterwards I got talking to him and he asked me to

I got talking to him and he asked me to

I got talking to him and he asked me to go for a drive in his car and he drove

go for a drive in his car and he drove

go for a drive in his car and he drove me out to the coast and he laid a

me out to the coast and he laid a

me out to the coast and he laid a blanket down and uh we made love

blanket down and uh we made love

blanket down and uh we made love under the stars now this is my actually

under the stars now this is my actually

under the stars now this is my actually about 84 at this stage telling your

about 84 at this stage telling your

about 84 at this stage telling your grandson this time again and I'm going

grandson this time again and I'm going

grandson this time again and I'm going that's a great story grandma and she

that's a great story grandma and she

that's a great story grandma and she goes then as I was laying there with the

goes then as I was laying there with the

goes then as I was laying there with the moon glistening off my naked body

I looked up at him and I said sing me a

I looked up at him and I said sing me a

I looked up at him and I said sing me a song and he sang me Stormy Weather

[Applause]

[Applause]

[Applause] that's why she was looking at me and

that's why she was looking at me and

that's why she was looking at me and her daughter grandson singing a song she

her daughter grandson singing a song she

her daughter grandson singing a song she was thinking a Johnny [ __ ] Showtime

was thinking a Johnny [ __ ] Showtime

was thinking a Johnny [ __ ] Showtime [ __ ] her on the beach

[ __ ] her on the beach

[ __ ] her on the beach I had made this woman wet for the first

I had made this woman wet for the first

I had made this woman wet for the first time in 40 odd years

uh so we're all drinking tonight I hope

uh so we're all drinking tonight I hope

uh so we're all drinking tonight I hope it's [ __ ] Saturday you gotta get

it's [ __ ] Saturday you gotta get

it's [ __ ] Saturday you gotta get pissed it's good for you

pissed it's good for you

pissed it's good for you I like people who don't drink

I like people who don't drink

I like people who don't drink don't trust them I haven't got friends

don't trust them I haven't got friends

don't trust them I haven't got friends that don't drink I would stop being your

that don't drink I would stop being your

that don't drink I would stop being your friend if you stop drinking because

friend if you stop drinking because

friend if you stop drinking because anyone who doesn't drink is a boring

anyone who doesn't drink is a boring

anyone who doesn't drink is a boring [ __ ] right if you're a non-drinker your

[ __ ] right if you're a non-drinker your

[ __ ] right if you're a non-drinker your story's [ __ ] suck all your stories in

story's [ __ ] suck all your stories in

story's [ __ ] suck all your stories in the same way with and then I got home

the same way with and then I got home

the same way with and then I got home right

no one gives a

kids that don't have bruises you're a

kids that don't have bruises you're a

kids that don't have bruises you're a boring dick

you ever asked to not drink it while I

you ever asked to not drink it while I

you ever asked to not drink it while I don't drink they give you the same

don't drink they give you the same

don't drink they give you the same stupid answer every [ __ ] time you go

stupid answer every [ __ ] time you go

stupid answer every [ __ ] time you go why don't you drink and they go I don't

why don't you drink and they go I don't

why don't you drink and they go I don't like the taste of it nobody does no one

like the taste of it nobody does no one

like the taste of it nobody does no one likes the taste of it we drink because

likes the taste of it we drink because

likes the taste of it we drink because we have to because Life's a miserable

we have to because Life's a miserable

we have to because Life's a miserable piece of [ __ ]

no one has ever had a shot of tequila

no one has ever had a shot of tequila

no one has ever had a shot of tequila going oh that's lovely

next time I'll have that instead of

next time I'll have that instead of

next time I'll have that instead of dessert

told your life [ __ ] man it's all over

told your life [ __ ] man it's all over

told your life [ __ ] man it's all over soon enough my grandmother said man she

soon enough my grandmother said man she

soon enough my grandmother said man she was worried what was going to happen

was worried what was going to happen

was worried what was going to happen afterwards right as an atheist I don't

afterwards right as an atheist I don't

afterwards right as an atheist I don't give a [ __ ] about dying I'm looking

give a [ __ ] about dying I'm looking

give a [ __ ] about dying I'm looking forward to it right I am because I don't

forward to it right I am because I don't

forward to it right I am because I don't believe in heaven I don't believe in

believe in heaven I don't believe in

believe in heaven I don't believe in hell I'll just rot in the [ __ ] ground

hell I'll just rot in the [ __ ] ground

hell I'll just rot in the [ __ ] ground right I don't even want the option of

right I don't even want the option of

right I don't even want the option of Heaven I don't want to exist in a

Heaven I don't want to exist in a

Heaven I don't want to exist in a conscious State for the rest of Eternity

conscious State for the rest of Eternity

conscious State for the rest of Eternity constantly thinking I don't like

constantly thinking I don't like

constantly thinking I don't like thinking as it is where's me passport

thinking as it is where's me passport

thinking as it is where's me passport can't punch women in the street

the Bible calls Heaven Eternal Bliss I

the Bible calls Heaven Eternal Bliss I

the Bible calls Heaven Eternal Bliss I don't care how Blissful it is it's

don't care how Blissful it is it's

don't care how Blissful it is it's Eternal you get used to it and then

Eternal you get used to it and then

Eternal you get used to it and then you'd be [ __ ] born

you'd be [ __ ] born

you'd be [ __ ] born and what's hell meant to be like fire

and what's hell meant to be like fire

and what's hell meant to be like fire and brimstone Eternal Agony that's

and brimstone Eternal Agony that's

and brimstone Eternal Agony that's what's written in the Bible that's God's

what's written in the Bible that's God's

what's written in the Bible that's God's book as far as I know the devil hasn't

book as far as I know the devil hasn't

book as far as I know the devil hasn't brought out a book

brought out a book

brought out a book we don't know he saw the argument right

we don't know he saw the argument right

we don't know he saw the argument right if you ask me the devil and God are

if you ask me the devil and God are

if you ask me the devil and God are having an argument the devil's being a

having an argument the devil's being a

having an argument the devil's being a bigger [ __ ] man because God's just

bigger [ __ ] man because God's just

bigger [ __ ] man because God's just writing [ __ ] about him and the devil's

writing [ __ ] about him and the devil's

writing [ __ ] about him and the devil's going I'm not even going to [ __ ]

going I'm not even going to [ __ ]

going I'm not even going to [ __ ] comment son

foreign

you don't want eternal life like this

you don't want eternal life like this

you don't want eternal life like this [ __ ] right life is a horrible

[ __ ] right life is a horrible

[ __ ] right life is a horrible disappointment one after the [ __ ]

disappointment one after the [ __ ]

disappointment one after the [ __ ] next right if you don't think it is

next right if you don't think it is

next right if you don't think it is disappointing right hang on I'll do this

disappointing right hang on I'll do this

disappointing right hang on I'll do this down okay give me a camera right

down okay give me a camera right

down okay give me a camera right straight on my face right everybody do

straight on my face right everybody do

straight on my face right everybody do this through here and if you're watching

this through here and if you're watching

this through here and if you're watching at home right look at the person next to

at home right look at the person next to

at home right look at the person next to you that you love more than anyone in

you that you love more than anyone in

you that you love more than anyone in the world right and no that sooner or

the world right and no that sooner or

the world right and no that sooner or later one of you will be dead and the

later one of you will be dead and the

later one of you will be dead and the other one will be miserable

other one will be miserable

other one will be miserable foreign

to think about all right

to think about all right

to think about all right so I told you Lord the only reason you

so I told you Lord the only reason you

so I told you Lord the only reason you people are here is because you want me

people are here is because you want me

people are here is because you want me to make you laugh for a [ __ ] hour

to make you laugh for a [ __ ] hour

to make you laugh for a [ __ ] hour because you know when you go back to

because you know when you go back to

because you know when you go back to work on Monday your life's gonna be [ __ ]

work on Monday your life's gonna be [ __ ]

work on Monday your life's gonna be [ __ ] and then you'll be dead and what's about

and then you'll be dead and what's about

and then you'll be dead and what's about to happen when you die you go to heaven

to happen when you die you go to heaven

to happen when you die you go to heaven you see a big bright light you walk

you see a big bright light you walk

you see a big bright light you walk towards the light what's at the end of

towards the light what's at the end of

towards the light what's at the end of the light all your dead relatives

the light all your dead relatives

the light all your dead relatives well what do you [ __ ] do

well what do you [ __ ] do

well what do you [ __ ] do you ever spent a weekend at your

you ever spent a weekend at your

you ever spent a weekend at your grandparents house it's [ __ ] [ __ ]

grandparents house it's [ __ ] [ __ ]

grandparents house it's [ __ ] [ __ ] yeah for now again we show me friends

yeah for now again we show me friends

yeah for now again we show me friends would die

you'd be out there meeting everyone

you'd be out there meeting everyone

you'd be out there meeting everyone hello Nana hello grandad hello Uncle who

hello Nana hello grandad hello Uncle who

hello Nana hello grandad hello Uncle who used to touch me

how did you get up here

how did you get up here

how did you get up here well that's right you used to work for

well that's right you used to work for

well that's right you used to work for the church

I got a very mixed response oh yeah

let's have a think about this right I

let's have a think about this right I

let's have a think about this right I know I've been picking on the Christians

know I've been picking on the Christians

know I've been picking on the Christians the Catholics or whatever they [ __ ]

the Catholics or whatever they [ __ ]

the Catholics or whatever they [ __ ] call so

call so

call so um if you're religious you're a [ __ ]

um if you're religious you're a [ __ ]

um if you're religious you're a [ __ ] idiot right Point Blank the guy in the

idiot right Point Blank the guy in the

idiot right Point Blank the guy in the cloud and all that you're [ __ ] [ __ ]

cloud and all that you're [ __ ] [ __ ]

cloud and all that you're [ __ ] [ __ ] right read a signs book what's your

right read a signs book what's your

right read a signs book what's your Richard Dawkins documentary you dumb

Richard Dawkins documentary you dumb

Richard Dawkins documentary you dumb [ __ ] [ __ ] right there is no way

[ __ ] [ __ ] right there is no way

[ __ ] [ __ ] right there is no way creation what they're just an Adam and

creation what they're just an Adam and

creation what they're just an Adam and Eve [ __ ] each other and we're all [ __ ]

Eve [ __ ] each other and we're all [ __ ]

Eve [ __ ] each other and we're all [ __ ] off you idiot right there was a big Arc

off you idiot right there was a big Arc

off you idiot right there was a big Arc with two animals how the [ __ ] slugs

with two animals how the [ __ ] slugs

with two animals how the [ __ ] slugs get there in two days

get there in two days

get there in two days they came from the four corners of the

they came from the four corners of the

they came from the four corners of the Earth

Earth

Earth there's slow moving animals never would

there's slow moving animals never would

there's slow moving animals never would have [ __ ] made it how are the polar

have [ __ ] made it how are the polar

have [ __ ] made it how are the polar bears mixing up with the [ __ ]

bears mixing up with the [ __ ]

bears mixing up with the [ __ ] gorillas and [ __ ]

now please do not think that I'm just

now please do not think that I'm just

now please do not think that I'm just picking on the Christians I think all

picking on the Christians I think all

picking on the Christians I think all religious people are ridiculous right so

religious people are ridiculous right so

religious people are ridiculous right so let's have a go at all of them shall we

let's have a go at all of them shall we

let's have a go at all of them shall we uh

uh

uh Jews what's all that about

Jews what's all that about

Jews what's all that about what's with the curly sideburns

what's with the curly sideburns

what's with the curly sideburns where in the bottle is safe thou loves

where in the bottle is safe thou loves

where in the bottle is safe thou loves me thou shall look like a dick

booty you fat [ __ ]

booty you fat [ __ ]

booty you fat [ __ ] what would a fire you you look like you

what would a fire you you look like you

what would a fire you you look like you can't take care of yourself

this is our Muslim friends the [ __ ]

this is our Muslim friends the [ __ ]

this is our Muslim friends the [ __ ] musies are mental

musies are mental

musies are mental thanks [ __ ] the mothers don't drink

thanks [ __ ] the mothers don't drink

thanks [ __ ] the mothers don't drink because they'd be out of control if they

because they'd be out of control if they

because they'd be out of control if they [ __ ] dick

[ __ ] dick

[ __ ] dick they just aren't a tolerant bunch then

they just aren't a tolerant bunch then

they just aren't a tolerant bunch then was he said covering covering women's

was he said covering covering women's

was he said covering covering women's faces and cutting clitorises off isn't

faces and cutting clitorises off isn't

faces and cutting clitorises off isn't just a bit of culture right it's

just a bit of culture right it's

just a bit of culture right it's horrible it's [ __ ] horrible right you

horrible it's [ __ ] horrible right you

horrible it's [ __ ] horrible right you can't the teddy bear remember the little

can't the teddy bear remember the little

can't the teddy bear remember the little teddy bear that was called Mohammed that

teddy bear that was called Mohammed that

teddy bear that was called Mohammed that lady didn't deserve to be they wanted to

lady didn't deserve to be they wanted to

lady didn't deserve to be they wanted to kill her and lash her in a [ __ ]

kill her and lash her in a [ __ ]

kill her and lash her in a [ __ ] square for calling a teddy bear Muhammad

square for calling a teddy bear Muhammad

square for calling a teddy bear Muhammad right now if there's any Muslim

right now if there's any Muslim

right now if there's any Muslim fundamentalists in the room right

fundamentalists in the room right

fundamentalists in the room right you see this microphone I'm calling it

you see this microphone I'm calling it

you see this microphone I'm calling it Muhammad right and it's [ __ ] gay it's

Muhammad right and it's [ __ ] gay it's

Muhammad right and it's [ __ ] gay it's a gay microphone call Muhammad and all

a gay microphone call Muhammad and all

a gay microphone call Muhammad and all it wants to do is roll the Quran up and

it wants to do is roll the Quran up and

it wants to do is roll the Quran up and [ __ ] itself up the ass

now

oh

oh

oh that joke has limited some of my holiday

that joke has limited some of my holiday

that joke has limited some of my holiday destinations

foreign

you're out here and they've given us all

you're out here and they've given us all

you're out here and they've given us all plastic cups like we're [ __ ] kids and

plastic cups like we're [ __ ] kids and

plastic cups like we're [ __ ] kids and you have to spend three pounds 50 for a

you have to spend three pounds 50 for a

you have to spend three pounds 50 for a pint and Britain and they serve it to

pint and Britain and they serve it to

pint and Britain and they serve it to you in plastic

you in plastic

you in plastic but let's be honest you British people

but let's be honest you British people

but let's be honest you British people aren't responsible enough for class are

aren't responsible enough for class are

aren't responsible enough for class are you

know what you happen when you get glass

know what you happen when you get glass

know what you happen when you get glass one of you gets angry don't you one of

one of you gets angry don't you one of

one of you gets angry don't you one of you will smash the glass against the bar

you will smash the glass against the bar

you will smash the glass against the bar shove a shot of glass into someone

shove a shot of glass into someone

shove a shot of glass into someone else's face you're the only nation of

else's face you're the only nation of

else's face you're the only nation of people to use the word glass as a verb

people to use the word glass as a verb

people to use the word glass as a verb foreign

go to wash your hands but you're not

go to wash your hands but you're not

go to wash your hands but you're not allowed to wash your hands

allowed to wash your hands

allowed to wash your hands why not because there's a [ __ ] toilet

why not because there's a [ __ ] toilet

why not because there's a [ __ ] toilet attendant there

attendant there

attendant there a guy with a metal tray with a hold a

a guy with a metal tray with a hold a

a guy with a metal tray with a hold a pound of coins

pound of coins

pound of coins a few bits of [ __ ] perfume a couple

a few bits of [ __ ] perfume a couple

a few bits of [ __ ] perfume a couple of Chopper chops and a bit of chewing

of Chopper chops and a bit of chewing

of Chopper chops and a bit of chewing gum

gum

gum and he's ready with the soap

and he's ready with the soap

and he's ready with the soap I [ __ ] hate those [ __ ] I'm not going

I [ __ ] hate those [ __ ] I'm not going

I [ __ ] hate those [ __ ] I'm not going to give you a pound mate I've washed my

to give you a pound mate I've washed my

to give you a pound mate I've washed my hands before I'm [ __ ] good at it

hands before I'm [ __ ] good at it

hands before I'm [ __ ] good at it right it's one of my skills I'm not the

right it's one of my skills I'm not the

right it's one of my skills I'm not the most hygienic guy in the world anywhere

most hygienic guy in the world anywhere

most hygienic guy in the world anywhere I was just sniffing Coke off a toilet

I was just sniffing Coke off a toilet

I was just sniffing Coke off a toilet seat for [ __ ] sake

you ever walk down there and not washed

you ever walk down there and not washed

you ever walk down there and not washed your hands they look at you like your

your hands they look at you like your

your hands they look at you like your scum I'm scum you weren't gonna [ __ ]

scum I'm scum you weren't gonna [ __ ]

scum I'm scum you weren't gonna [ __ ] toilet mate

tell your story I was out in uh South

tell your story I was out in uh South

tell your story I was out in uh South Africa doing some some gigs I was out

Africa doing some some gigs I was out

Africa doing some some gigs I was out there with a gay comedian he took me to

there with a gay comedian he took me to

there with a gay comedian he took me to this gay club in South Africa and we

this gay club in South Africa and we

this gay club in South Africa and we took two XC tablets each right he's off

took two XC tablets each right he's off

took two XC tablets each right he's off on the Dance Floor trying to get some

on the Dance Floor trying to get some

on the Dance Floor trying to get some dick and I'm standing in the bar

dick and I'm standing in the bar

dick and I'm standing in the bar chatting to a couple of lads I've never

chatting to a couple of lads I've never

chatting to a couple of lads I've never met before and one of them goes you're

met before and one of them goes you're

met before and one of them goes you're wasted aren't you and I went yep and he

wasted aren't you and I went yep and he

wasted aren't you and I went yep and he goes do you want to come to the bathroom

goes do you want to come to the bathroom

goes do you want to come to the bathroom with me now as a drug taker I think he's

with me now as a drug taker I think he's

with me now as a drug taker I think he's offering me a line of coke

offering me a line of coke

offering me a line of coke so I went would I

so I went would I

so I went would I no they don't do that but I put my arm

no they don't do that but I put my arm

no they don't do that but I put my arm around him dragged him off to the toilet

around him dragged him off to the toilet

around him dragged him off to the toilet and where this is going to be [ __ ]

and where this is going to be [ __ ]

and where this is going to be [ __ ] awesome man

I went into the cubicle first to wipe

I went into the cubicle first to wipe

I went into the cubicle first to wipe the seat down

the seat down

the seat down then I lend out and beckon him in

then I lend out and beckon him in

then I lend out and beckon him in now I don't know about all the men in

now I don't know about all the men in

now I don't know about all the men in the room but I know these days when I

the room but I know these days when I

the room but I know these days when I get my old fellas sucked off he takes a

get my old fellas sucked off he takes a

get my old fellas sucked off he takes a little while to stand to attention

little while to stand to attention

little while to stand to attention but he must really like me because he

but he must really like me because he

but he must really like me because he walked in with what I could only

walked in with what I could only

walked in with what I could only describe as

describe as

describe as a great big black [ __ ]

you shut the door to the cubicle there

you shut the door to the cubicle there

you shut the door to the cubicle there are now three people in the cubicle

are now three people in the cubicle

are now three people in the cubicle me him and the great big black [ __ ]

me him and the great big black [ __ ]

me him and the great big black [ __ ] just to give you Dimensions amount is

just to give you Dimensions amount is

just to give you Dimensions amount is this soil is this wide the Cox Iraq is

this soil is this wide the Cox Iraq is

this soil is this wide the Cox Iraq is poking into my stomach

poking into my stomach

poking into my stomach I look up at him and I go

I thought we were going to do some code

I thought we were going to do some code

I thought we were going to do some code and he went do you want some coke first

laughs

I only want Coke

oh I can see her with your accent you

oh I can see her with your accent you

oh I can see her with your accent you may have mistaken that for [ __ ]

now I'd like to say that something funny

now I'd like to say that something funny

now I'd like to say that something funny happened after that

all what happened was I told him I

all what happened was I told him I

all what happened was I told him I wasn't gay he apologized he went out he

wasn't gay he apologized he went out he

wasn't gay he apologized he went out he bought me a drink

bought me a drink

bought me a drink for the sake of Comedy he raped me

you know I'm going to talk to you a bit

you know I'm going to talk to you a bit

you know I'm going to talk to you a bit about me dad my dad's a weird cat right

about me dad my dad's a weird cat right

about me dad my dad's a weird cat right good guy he's not okay

good guy he's not okay

good guy he's not okay my parents made me get a job when I was

my parents made me get a job when I was

my parents made me get a job when I was like [ __ ] 12 doing a paper round

like [ __ ] 12 doing a paper round

like [ __ ] 12 doing a paper round because there was no mines in Sydney and

because there was no mines in Sydney and

because there was no mines in Sydney and I had to go around the suburbs and

I had to go around the suburbs and

I had to go around the suburbs and deliver papers and at the end of the day

deliver papers and at the end of the day

deliver papers and at the end of the day I had to go to the news agency and empty

I had to go to the news agency and empty

I had to go to the news agency and empty all the bins out the back of the new

all the bins out the back of the new

all the bins out the back of the new Zone see into a big metal Skip and it

Zone see into a big metal Skip and it

Zone see into a big metal Skip and it was a [ __ ] ton of a job uh but the

was a [ __ ] ton of a job uh but the

was a [ __ ] ton of a job uh but the only good thing about it was at the end

only good thing about it was at the end

only good thing about it was at the end of the month I used to throw away all

of the month I used to throw away all

of the month I used to throw away all the magazines I hadn't sold so there was

the magazines I hadn't sold so there was

the magazines I hadn't sold so there was mountains of porn right so I would

mountains of porn right so I would

mountains of porn right so I would collect these poor mags up fill me

collect these poor mags up fill me

collect these poor mags up fill me backpack up with them go home take the

backpack up with them go home take the

backpack up with them go home take the Pawn Max to school sell them off for a

Pawn Max to school sell them off for a

Pawn Max to school sell them off for a Fiverr magazine I was making more out of

Fiverr magazine I was making more out of

Fiverr magazine I was making more out of my porn Empire than I ever did out of

my porn Empire than I ever did out of

my porn Empire than I ever did out of the paper route right now I had to draw

the paper route right now I had to draw

the paper route right now I had to draw under me bed that was four foot by two

under me bed that was four foot by two

under me bed that was four foot by two foot which I packed full Pawn

foot which I packed full Pawn

foot which I packed full Pawn one day I come home your room's been

one day I come home your room's been

one day I come home your room's been clean it's [ __ ] spotless right first

clean it's [ __ ] spotless right first

clean it's [ __ ] spotless right first thing I do is I run to the pawn drop

thing I do is I run to the pawn drop

thing I do is I run to the pawn drop right open it up empty right go to the

right open it up empty right go to the

right open it up empty right go to the living room now my mum's out there

living room now my mum's out there

living room now my mum's out there sitting in a chair now did anyone have a

sitting in a chair now did anyone have a

sitting in a chair now did anyone have a parent that had their own chair

parent that had their own chair

parent that had their own chair they were the [ __ ] parent they were

they were the [ __ ] parent they were

they were the [ __ ] parent they were never the nice parents right if if

never the nice parents right if if

never the nice parents right if if you're a parent out there and you have

you're a parent out there and you have

you're a parent out there and you have your own chair you're a [ __ ] Nazi

your own chair you're a [ __ ] Nazi

your own chair you're a [ __ ] Nazi dick right stop being such a fascist sit

dick right stop being such a fascist sit

dick right stop being such a fascist sit somewhere else you don't control the

somewhere else you don't control the

somewhere else you don't control the world

so my mum looks at me and she goes I

so my mum looks at me and she goes I

so my mum looks at me and she goes I cleaned your room and I went yeah yeah

cleaned your room and I went yeah yeah

cleaned your room and I went yeah yeah thanks for that Mum but then she never

thanks for that Mum but then she never

thanks for that Mum but then she never mentioned anything right a week later

mentioned anything right a week later

mentioned anything right a week later about me dad shed and I'm hammering a

about me dad shed and I'm hammering a

about me dad shed and I'm hammering a nail into the bench right for no

nail into the bench right for no

nail into the bench right for no apparent reason but he's a carpenter

apparent reason but he's a carpenter

apparent reason but he's a carpenter right if you put a nail into the bench

right if you put a nail into the bench

right if you put a nail into the bench if he puts a table up there saying gonna

if he puts a table up there saying gonna

if he puts a table up there saying gonna [ __ ] the finish right just being a dick

[ __ ] the finish right just being a dick

[ __ ] the finish right just being a dick I know under the bench I saw only porn

I know under the bench I saw only porn

I know under the bench I saw only porn magazines but they're all like wet and

magazines but they're all like wet and

magazines but they're all like wet and bent and had lettuce sleeves on them and

bent and had lettuce sleeves on them and

bent and had lettuce sleeves on them and stuff like that right what's happening

stuff like that right what's happening

stuff like that right what's happening is my mum's clear to clean my room out

is my mum's clear to clean my room out

is my mum's clear to clean my room out she's throwing all the poor Mags out the

she's throwing all the poor Mags out the

she's throwing all the poor Mags out the wheelie bin my dad has to take the

wheelie bin my dad has to take the

wheelie bin my dad has to take the wheelie bin to the end of the drive on a

wheelie bin to the end of the drive on a

wheelie bin to the end of the drive on a [ __ ] Wednesday he's opening up and

[ __ ] Wednesday he's opening up and

[ __ ] Wednesday he's opening up and going oh hello collect them all up he's

going oh hello collect them all up he's

going oh hello collect them all up he's gone off to his shed and wanked himself

gone off to his shed and wanked himself

gone off to his shed and wanked himself stupid so I thought [ __ ] that old [ __ ]

stupid so I thought [ __ ] that old [ __ ]

stupid so I thought [ __ ] that old [ __ ] so I collect them all back take them

so I collect them all back take them

so I collect them all back take them back to the draw where they belong

back to the draw where they belong

back to the draw where they belong Circle of Life continues foreign

a few days later I'm out in the living

a few days later I'm out in the living

a few days later I'm out in the living room and the old man walks out and goes

you've been out in my shed

you've been out in my shed

you've been out in my shed and I went

you're not allowed those magazines

neither are you

can I have four

to this day if you go out to my [ __ ]

to this day if you go out to my [ __ ]

to this day if you go out to my [ __ ] parents house man there's four poor

parents house man there's four poor

parents house man there's four poor magazines out in the quality early 90s

magazines out in the quality early 90s

magazines out in the quality early 90s material

material

material my [ __ ] um

when I was at the end professional not

when I was at the end professional not

when I was at the end professional not this festival with the festival was for

this festival with the festival was for

this festival with the festival was for I was having a wank and I felt like a

I was having a wank and I felt like a

I was having a wank and I felt like a lumpy fleshy thing on my [ __ ] that

lumpy fleshy thing on my [ __ ] that

lumpy fleshy thing on my [ __ ] that wasn't a wart or assist or anything I'd

wasn't a wart or assist or anything I'd

wasn't a wart or assist or anything I'd had previously and

I went to the doctor and the doctor

I went to the doctor and the doctor

I went to the doctor and the doctor looked at it and sort of went

looked at it and sort of went

looked at it and sort of went session

session

session another doctor and the two of them

another doctor and the two of them

another doctor and the two of them looked at it and just I don't [ __ ]

looked at it and just I don't [ __ ]

looked at it and just I don't [ __ ] have any idea so they sent me off to a

have any idea so they sent me off to a

have any idea so they sent me off to a specialist The Specialist puts my

specialist The Specialist puts my

specialist The Specialist puts my genitals into like a clamping machine

genitals into like a clamping machine

genitals into like a clamping machine and it turns out that I have a tumor

and it turns out that I have a tumor

and it turns out that I have a tumor growing on the side of my penis now I go

growing on the side of my penis now I go

growing on the side of my penis now I go to the doctor to many people die from

to the doctor to many people die from

to the doctor to many people die from this and he's like nah most people

this and he's like nah most people

this and he's like nah most people detect it pretty quick I don't leave it

detect it pretty quick I don't leave it

detect it pretty quick I don't leave it to chance uh now as I said no one dies

to chance uh now as I said no one dies

to chance uh now as I said no one dies from this it's very rare and I'm not

from this it's very rare and I'm not

from this it's very rare and I'm not famous but I'm going to tell you a bit I

famous but I'm going to tell you a bit I

famous but I'm going to tell you a bit I might be the most famous person ever to

might be the most famous person ever to

might be the most famous person ever to have this condition which means I'll

have this condition which means I'll

have this condition which means I'll have to become a spokesperson and I'll

have to become a spokesperson and I'll

have to become a spokesperson and I'll be doing adverts going hi I'm Jim

be doing adverts going hi I'm Jim

be doing adverts going hi I'm Jim Jefferies I'm a comedian but you know

Jefferies I'm a comedian but you know

Jefferies I'm a comedian but you know it's not a laughing matter

it's not a laughing matter

it's not a laughing matter thank you

thank you

thank you dick cancer

dick cancer

dick cancer do you know that two people die from

do you know that two people die from

do you know that two people die from dick cancer a year

dick cancer a year

dick cancer a year this must be stocks

this must be stocks

this must be stocks there are many ways to detect it cancer

there are many ways to detect it cancer

there are many ways to detect it cancer wanking

wanking

wanking that's it really

please buy a ribbon

now while I was out at the animal

now while I was out at the animal

now while I was out at the animal Festival

Festival

Festival I I was with a girl for three years I

I I was with a girl for three years I

I I was with a girl for three years I never cheated on her but I did cheat on

never cheated on her but I did cheat on

never cheated on her but I did cheat on her twice during the Edinburgh Festival

her twice during the Edinburgh Festival

her twice during the Edinburgh Festival because it's a festival and

because it's a festival and

because it's a festival and when I went to the doctor I was worried

when I went to the doctor I was worried

when I went to the doctor I was worried that it was a sexually transmitted

that it was a sexually transmitted

that it was a sexually transmitted disease I was I think I'm the first

disease I was I think I'm the first

disease I was I think I'm the first person ever to high-five a doctor and he

person ever to high-five a doctor and he

person ever to high-five a doctor and he says he got cancer I was [ __ ] well up

says he got cancer I was [ __ ] well up

says he got cancer I was [ __ ] well up for that I was like cancer [ __ ] yeah

for that I was like cancer [ __ ] yeah

for that I was like cancer [ __ ] yeah because you come home with herpes she'll

because you come home with herpes she'll

because you come home with herpes she'll kick you out of the [ __ ] house right

kick you out of the [ __ ] house right

kick you out of the [ __ ] house right you come home with dick cancer she'll

you come home with dick cancer she'll

you come home with dick cancer she'll make you a cake or something real nice

make you a cake or something real nice

make you a cake or something real nice and God bless her a lot of the fish

and God bless her a lot of the fish

and God bless her a lot of the fish we're broke it up now I can say she

we're broke it up now I can say she

we're broke it up now I can say she wasn't bright she was a thick girl she

wasn't bright she was a thick girl she

wasn't bright she was a thick girl she she would not have sex with me until the

she would not have sex with me until the

she would not have sex with me until the tumor was removed because she was

tumor was removed because she was

tumor was removed because she was worried it was contagious I'm like it's

worried it was contagious I'm like it's

worried it was contagious I'm like it's not contagious it's [ __ ] Cancer all

not contagious it's [ __ ] Cancer all

not contagious it's [ __ ] Cancer all right let's just enjoy the width while

right let's just enjoy the width while

right let's just enjoy the width while we have it thank you

he goes dumb right you haven't had sex

he goes dumb right you haven't had sex

he goes dumb right you haven't had sex till you've had tumor sex

till you've had tumor sex

till you've had tumor sex I I said it's not contagious it's not

I I said it's not contagious it's not

I I said it's not contagious it's not like we got it from a tick wank from

like we got it from a tick wank from

like we got it from a tick wank from Kylie Minogue

yes look I understand that that joke is

yes look I understand that that joke is

yes look I understand that that joke is wrong on many levels the main level

wrong on many levels the main level

wrong on many levels the main level being that Kylie's tits aren't big

being that Kylie's tits aren't big

being that Kylie's tits aren't big enough for a titwing

thank you

thank you

thank you even with the lump they couldn't have

even with the lump they couldn't have

even with the lump they couldn't have gotten that much bigger

gotten that much bigger

gotten that much bigger don't be upset with me I'm a cancer

don't be upset with me I'm a cancer

don't be upset with me I'm a cancer patient

so anyway

so anyway

so anyway I go into the surgery to get it taken

I go into the surgery to get it taken

I go into the surgery to get it taken out they lay me down on the table they

out they lay me down on the table they

out they lay me down on the table they put like a metal frame up with a curtain

put like a metal frame up with a curtain

put like a metal frame up with a curtain and the doctor puts a needle into my

and the doctor puts a needle into my

and the doctor puts a needle into my dick

dick

dick and there's a nurse and her sole job is

and there's a nurse and her sole job is

and there's a nurse and her sole job is to take all the blood away from the

to take all the blood away from the

to take all the blood away from the sliced up [ __ ]

sliced up [ __ ]

sliced up [ __ ] and there's another nurse and her sole

and there's another nurse and her sole

and there's another nurse and her sole job is to hold my hand whilst my [ __ ] is

job is to hold my hand whilst my [ __ ] is

job is to hold my hand whilst my [ __ ] is being sliced up and to distract me from

being sliced up and to distract me from

being sliced up and to distract me from the mutilation

the mutilation

the mutilation and she's holding my hand and she looks

and she's holding my hand and she looks

and she's holding my hand and she looks at me and she goes so I hear you're a

at me and she goes so I hear you're a

at me and she goes so I hear you're a comedian and I went yeah I'm a comedian

comedian and I went yeah I'm a comedian

comedian and I went yeah I'm a comedian why don't you tell us all a joke

why don't you [ __ ] off

and then they put like six stitches into

and then they put like six stitches into

and then they put like six stitches into my [ __ ] like these aren't like the big

my [ __ ] like these aren't like the big

my [ __ ] like these aren't like the big ones he's like on your head or your arm

ones he's like on your head or your arm

ones he's like on your head or your arm these like tiny fine small ones that

these like tiny fine small ones that

these like tiny fine small ones that they use like on babies arms and

the doctor tells me not to get an

the doctor tells me not to get an

the doctor tells me not to get an erection for three weeks I was [ __ ]

erection for three weeks I was [ __ ]

erection for three weeks I was [ __ ] Moody I wasn't a good kind of beer out

Moody I wasn't a good kind of beer out

Moody I wasn't a good kind of beer out man the end of three weeks I was ready

man the end of three weeks I was ready

man the end of three weeks I was ready for my comeback wank I don't even touch

for my comeback wank I don't even touch

for my comeback wank I don't even touch my [ __ ] I'm trying to think about my

my [ __ ] I'm trying to think about my

my [ __ ] I'm trying to think about my [ __ ] my balls have never been so full in

[ __ ] my balls have never been so full in

[ __ ] my balls have never been so full in my entire life in fact the stitches

my entire life in fact the stitches

my entire life in fact the stitches dissolved and I told my girlfriend they

dissolved and I told my girlfriend they

dissolved and I told my girlfriend they were still not dissolved so I could have

were still not dissolved so I could have

were still not dissolved so I could have a wank before I [ __ ] her

I put some porn on and I got some lube

I put some porn on and I got some lube

I put some porn on and I got some lube right now ordinarily I'm not that fancy

right now ordinarily I'm not that fancy

right now ordinarily I'm not that fancy I'm more of a dry hand sort of guy

I'm more of a dry hand sort of guy

I'm more of a dry hand sort of guy well I thought it's been a while Jim

well I thought it's been a while Jim

well I thought it's been a while Jim treat yourself

treat yourself

treat yourself that's right

I lived up my [ __ ] and I'm talking

and out of my [ __ ] came this thick

and out of my [ __ ] came this thick

and out of my [ __ ] came this thick gelatin-like car it was so it was it was

gelatin-like car it was so it was it was

gelatin-like car it was so it was it was like it was trying to make a baby

like it was trying to make a baby

like it was trying to make a baby without the womb

and I looked at it and I swear to God it

and I looked at it and I swear to God it

and I looked at it and I swear to God it [ __ ] looked back at me

[ __ ] looked back at me

[ __ ] looked back at me sorry sugar tan

anyway that's all I have to say about

anyway that's all I have to say about

anyway that's all I have to say about Dick cancer

Dick cancer

Dick cancer um except don't you think that dick

um except don't you think that dick

um except don't you think that dick cancer sounds like a war correspondent

cancer sounds like a war correspondent

cancer sounds like a war correspondent like a guy from the news that you'd

like a guy from the news that you'd

like a guy from the news that you'd really trust

really trust

really trust that that's just me uh I've been I've

that that's just me uh I've been I've

that that's just me uh I've been I've done kids out in [ __ ] Baghdad and

done kids out in [ __ ] Baghdad and

done kids out in [ __ ] Baghdad and Iraq and all that I've been out there

Iraq and all that I've been out there

Iraq and all that I've been out there man it's [ __ ] mental when you go out

man it's [ __ ] mental when you go out

man it's [ __ ] mental when you go out there you realize that the other team

there you realize that the other team

there you realize that the other team don't really know they're involved like

don't really know they're involved like

don't really know they're involved like all the other old Wars you can say what

all the other old Wars you can say what

all the other old Wars you can say what you want about the Nazis but they always

you want about the Nazis but they always

you want about the Nazis but they always look good right you can always pick them

look good right you can always pick them

look good right you can always pick them out of a crowd right this this enemy the

out of a crowd right this this enemy the

out of a crowd right this this enemy the Taliban I can't they don't have an

Taliban I can't they don't have an

Taliban I can't they don't have an outfit uh and I was there on the first

outfit uh and I was there on the first

outfit uh and I was there on the first day well the first day of the first day

day well the first day of the first day

day well the first day of the first day I was there and I was in a helicopter

I was there and I was in a helicopter

I was there and I was in a helicopter flying over the top of Baghdad with me

flying over the top of Baghdad with me

flying over the top of Baghdad with me helmet on me bulletproof vest ain't

helmet on me bulletproof vest ain't

helmet on me bulletproof vest ain't gonna look as cool as [ __ ] right the

gonna look as cool as [ __ ] right the

gonna look as cool as [ __ ] right the helicopter windows open there's a guy

helicopter windows open there's a guy

helicopter windows open there's a guy with a gun just sort of scouring the

with a gun just sort of scouring the

with a gun just sort of scouring the ground right I look out I see a little

ground right I look out I see a little

ground right I look out I see a little bloke with a handgun just shooting up at

bloke with a handgun just shooting up at

bloke with a handgun just shooting up at the helicopter

the helicopter

the helicopter and I [ __ ] freak out right I'm like

and I [ __ ] freak out right I'm like

and I [ __ ] freak out right I'm like oh [ __ ]

oh [ __ ] too high up those bullets can't

oh [ __ ] too high up those bullets can't

oh [ __ ] too high up those bullets can't reach us and then he went hey look at

reach us and then he went hey look at

reach us and then he went hey look at this

and the little [ __ ] died

and I was like

I was just saying

foreign

I get so desensitized about terrorism

I get so desensitized about terrorism

I get so desensitized about terrorism now I don't even care anymore the first

now I don't even care anymore the first

now I don't even care anymore the first big one remember the big one where the

big one remember the big one where the

big one remember the big one where the planes hit the buildings and the

planes hit the buildings and the

planes hit the buildings and the buildings I can't remember what date it

buildings I can't remember what date it

buildings I can't remember what date it was but the fact

and every Thursday takes since then I

and every Thursday takes since then I

and every Thursday takes since then I just [ __ ] whatever

just [ __ ] whatever

just [ __ ] whatever the one in Glasgow where the guy was in

the one in Glasgow where the guy was in

the one in Glasgow where the guy was in flames and he drove his flaming car into

flames and he drove his flaming car into

flames and he drove his flaming car into the airport

the airport

the airport the first thing that went through my

the first thing that went through my

the first thing that went through my brains when I saw that was are you

brains when I saw that was are you

brains when I saw that was are you [ __ ] [ __ ] now I'm gonna have to put

[ __ ] [ __ ] now I'm gonna have to put

[ __ ] [ __ ] now I'm gonna have to put my toiletries in a plastic bag

take me shoes off you're wasting me time

oh [ __ ] my [ __ ] uh my brother's a

oh [ __ ] my [ __ ] uh my brother's a

oh [ __ ] my [ __ ] uh my brother's a mental case he's been mental my whole

mental case he's been mental my whole

mental case he's been mental my whole childhood he can't help himself he's

childhood he can't help himself he's

childhood he can't help himself he's older than me but he's just [ __ ] wide

older than me but he's just [ __ ] wide

older than me but he's just [ __ ] wide wrong something in his head all right

wrong something in his head all right

wrong something in his head all right I'm going to I've never told this on

I'm going to I've never told this on

I'm going to I've never told this on stage before uh it's not they probably

stage before uh it's not they probably

stage before uh it's not they probably won't go on the DVD but this is just

won't go on the DVD but this is just

won't go on the DVD but this is just something funny me and my brothers are

something funny me and my brothers are

something funny me and my brothers are talking whenever whenever my mother my

talking whenever whenever my mother my

talking whenever whenever my mother my mother's a great big fat woman she still

mother's a great big fat woman she still

mother's a great big fat woman she still is

is

is um she's 18 19 stone or something she'd

um she's 18 19 stone or something she'd

um she's 18 19 stone or something she'd always used to get us to go out and get

always used to get us to go out and get

always used to get us to go out and get the washing off the line and she'd

the washing off the line and she'd

the washing off the line and she'd always be in the kitchen going go get

always be in the kitchen going go get

always be in the kitchen going go get the washer off the line make sure you

the washer off the line make sure you

the washer off the line make sure you fold everything and yelling at us while

fold everything and yelling at us while

fold everything and yelling at us while we were doing it right when I was about

we were doing it right when I was about

we were doing it right when I was about 10 and Scott was about 14 and we used to

10 and Scott was about 14 and we used to

10 and Scott was about 14 and we used to go out there whenever we got her

go out there whenever we got her

go out there whenever we got her underwear off the line we would get on

underwear off the line we would get on

underwear off the line we would get on either end of it and fold it like a flag

either end of it and fold it like a flag

either end of it and fold it like a flag foreign

that's not funny nothing is

so

so

so one time I meet my brother at home right

one time I meet my brother at home right

one time I meet my brother at home right just the two of us and uh he's about 16

just the two of us and uh he's about 16

just the two of us and uh he's about 16 I'm about 12. and my mum and dad are out

I'm about 12. and my mum and dad are out

I'm about 12. and my mum and dad are out of the house and my brother Scott is on

of the house and my brother Scott is on

of the house and my brother Scott is on the couch and he looks over me he goes

the couch and he looks over me he goes

the couch and he looks over me he goes Jim get me a cake and I went get your

Jim get me a cake and I went get your

Jim get me a cake and I went get your own [ __ ] Coke I'm not gonna get you a

own [ __ ] Coke I'm not gonna get you a

own [ __ ] Coke I'm not gonna get you a Coke and he went get me a Coke or I'll

Coke and he went get me a Coke or I'll

Coke and he went get me a Coke or I'll piss on the carpet

fish on the carpet you man [ __ ] I'm not

fish on the carpet you man [ __ ] I'm not

fish on the carpet you man [ __ ] I'm not going to get you a [ __ ] dope

going to get you a [ __ ] dope

going to get you a [ __ ] dope get me a Coke or I'd piss on the carpet

get me a Coke or I'd piss on the carpet

get me a Coke or I'd piss on the carpet I'm not going to get you a Coke so my

I'm not going to get you a Coke so my

I'm not going to get you a Coke so my brother stood up walked to the middle of

brother stood up walked to the middle of

brother stood up walked to the middle of the living room which is a longer

the living room which is a longer

the living room which is a longer distance and getting himself a [ __ ]

distance and getting himself a [ __ ]

distance and getting himself a [ __ ] Coke

Coke

Coke pulled out his [ __ ] started pissing on

pulled out his [ __ ] started pissing on

pulled out his [ __ ] started pissing on the carpet he's looking at me going you

the carpet he's looking at me going you

the carpet he's looking at me going you really should have got me a coat why why

really should have got me a coat why why

really should have got me a coat why why when you get me a cake

when you get me a cake

when you get me a cake daddy's boy up goes back to the cows

daddy's boy up goes back to the cows

daddy's boy up goes back to the cows doesn't get himself a coat

doesn't get himself a coat

doesn't get himself a coat so I just [ __ ] left the power unit my

so I just [ __ ] left the power unit my

so I just [ __ ] left the power unit my mum comes home she's [ __ ] furious

mum comes home she's [ __ ] furious

mum comes home she's [ __ ] furious right big pile of urine she goes who did

right big pile of urine she goes who did

right big pile of urine she goes who did this

this

this and I went Scott did it she looked at

and I went Scott did it she looked at

and I went Scott did it she looked at Scott she goes what did you do that for

Scott she goes what did you do that for

Scott she goes what did you do that for he goes I told Jim to get me a Coke or

he goes I told Jim to get me a Coke or

he goes I told Jim to get me a Coke or I'd piss in the carpet

I'd piss in the carpet

I'd piss in the carpet and my mum turns to me and goes

why don't you get him a Coke you know

why don't you get him a Coke you know

why don't you get him a Coke you know he's [ __ ] mental

I'll tell you another Brothers through

I'll tell you another Brothers through

I'll tell you another Brothers through this this one's a bit sad I don't know

this this one's a bit sad I don't know

this this one's a bit sad I don't know when me and my brother were young we my

when me and my brother were young we my

when me and my brother were young we my dad was doing that thing where you know

dad was doing that thing where you know

dad was doing that thing where you know when you're being taken to the dump yard

when you're being taken to the dump yard

when you're being taken to the dump yard a tip or something like that when you

a tip or something like that when you

a tip or something like that when you were a little kid that was better than

were a little kid that was better than

were a little kid that was better than going to a football match that was just

going to a football match that was just

going to a football match that was just like the best day ever if you because

like the best day ever if you because

like the best day ever if you because you never knew what you're going to find

you never knew what you're going to find

you never knew what you're going to find at the junkyard did you you'd just be

at the junkyard did you you'd just be

at the junkyard did you you'd just be there standing in a pile of [ __ ] going

there standing in a pile of [ __ ] going

there standing in a pile of [ __ ] going dad you have to see this we've got to

dad you have to see this we've got to

dad you have to see this we've got to take it with us it's a fridge it's only

take it with us it's a fridge it's only

take it with us it's a fridge it's only missing a door

so we're loading up all this stuff from

so we're loading up all this stuff from

so we're loading up all this stuff from out of the garage emptying old boxes and

out of the garage emptying old boxes and

out of the garage emptying old boxes and whatnot my brother I don't know I'm

whatnot my brother I don't know I'm

whatnot my brother I don't know I'm about nine no I'm about five your

about nine no I'm about five your

about nine no I'm about five your brother's about nine his brother pulls a

brother's about nine his brother pulls a

brother's about nine his brother pulls a vibrator out of a box just like this

and my dad does that [ __ ] dad when

and my dad does that [ __ ] dad when

and my dad does that [ __ ] dad when the nervous Walker he goes hey what you

the nervous Walker he goes hey what you

the nervous Walker he goes hey what you got there

[Applause]

[Applause]

[Applause] and then Dad goes oh I'll link that up

and then Dad goes oh I'll link that up

and then Dad goes oh I'll link that up here now as soon as we see that little

here now as soon as we see that little

here now as soon as we see that little walk we know that's something [ __ ]

walk we know that's something [ __ ]

walk we know that's something [ __ ] important and we're just going Dave what

important and we're just going Dave what

important and we're just going Dave what is that I have to [ __ ] know what that

is that I have to [ __ ] know what that

is that I have to [ __ ] know what that is I have to know that is what is a day

is I have to know that is what is a day

is I have to know that is what is a day and Dad sees his two sons and he sort of

and Dad sees his two sons and he sort of

and Dad sees his two sons and he sort of smiles Riley to himself and goes

smiles Riley to himself and goes

smiles Riley to himself and goes I'd say yeah it's a massage I mean Dad

I'd say yeah it's a massage I mean Dad

I'd say yeah it's a massage I mean Dad turns it on and goes

oh that's lovely oh

oh that's lovely oh

oh that's lovely oh hey guys we'll turn that off we'll put

hey guys we'll turn that off we'll put

hey guys we'll turn that off we'll put that back in the box and put that box

that back in the box and put that box

that back in the box and put that box way back up here

way back up here

way back up here won't look at that again

won't look at that again

won't look at that again okay about a few days later my brother

okay about a few days later my brother

okay about a few days later my brother comes into my bedroom and goes Jim

comes into my bedroom and goes Jim

comes into my bedroom and goes Jim garage

garage

garage and we go to the garage and then we pile

and we go to the garage and then we pile

and we go to the garage and then we pile all these boxes up we get the vibrator

all these boxes up we get the vibrator

all these boxes up we get the vibrator out

out

out it's about 40 degrees Heat

it's about 40 degrees Heat

it's about 40 degrees Heat and my my father looks at me and he goes

and my my father looks at me and he goes

and my my father looks at me and he goes now you massage my back

now you massage my back

now you massage my back and I'll massage your back now this is a

and I'll massage your back now this is a

and I'll massage your back now this is a standard old brother trick older

standard old brother trick older

standard old brother trick older brothers do this you push me on the

brothers do this you push me on the

brothers do this you push me on the swings I'll push you on the swings and

swings I'll push you on the swings and

swings I'll push you on the swings and what happens is you push them on the

what happens is you push them on the

what happens is you push them on the swings for like 10 minutes and then they

swings for like 10 minutes and then they

swings for like 10 minutes and then they push you for like a minute tell you it

push you for like a minute tell you it

push you for like a minute tell you it was 10 minutes and that you're [ __ ]

was 10 minutes and that you're [ __ ]

was 10 minutes and that you're [ __ ] and you can't read the time

so we both take our shirts off now we're

so we both take our shirts off now we're

so we both take our shirts off now we're just in our underwear in the garage in

just in our underwear in the garage in

just in our underwear in the garage in the dark with a vibrator

the dark with a vibrator

the dark with a vibrator and then I start massaging my brothers

and then I start massaging my brothers

and then I start massaging my brothers back just

and he's giving it these ones

and he's giving it these ones

and he's giving it these ones [Music]

and then it's my turn I get in front my

and then it's my turn I get in front my

and then it's my turn I get in front my brother holds the vibrator up he turns

brother holds the vibrator up he turns

brother holds the vibrator up he turns it on and he drops it on the ground and

it on and he drops it on the ground and

it on and he drops it on the ground and goes you have to put it back up on the

goes you have to put it back up on the

goes you have to put it back up on the top shelf and then he [ __ ] off

top shelf and then he [ __ ] off

top shelf and then he [ __ ] off now I'm five years old what do I do I

now I'm five years old what do I do I

now I'm five years old what do I do I cry right and I picked the vibrator up

cry right and I picked the vibrator up

cry right and I picked the vibrator up in the darkness and I just go

in the darkness and I just go

in the darkness and I just go laughs

that's when my dad comes in

to see his five-year-old son massaging

to see his five-year-old son massaging

to see his five-year-old son massaging his back with a vibrator

his back with a vibrator

his back with a vibrator and I'm crying

and I'm crying

and I'm crying and he comes up and he goes

and he comes up and he goes

and he comes up and he goes Scotty [ __ ] you over again mate

and I went yeah he goes give it here he

and I went yeah he goes give it here he

and I went yeah he goes give it here he holds it up and goes now you see this

holds it up and goes now you see this

holds it up and goes now you see this you're not to play with this

you're not to play with this

you're not to play with this this is Dad's

this is Dad's

this is Dad's now that sentence has haunted me

not that this is mum and Dad's

not that this is mum and Dad's

not that this is mum and Dad's this is Dad's that raises questions I

this is Dad's that raises questions I

this is Dad's that raises questions I never want answered

never want answered

never want answered such questions as why the [ __ ] was it in

such questions as why the [ __ ] was it in

such questions as why the [ __ ] was it in the garage

the garage

the garage why do my dad's mates never come into

why do my dad's mates never come into

why do my dad's mates never come into the house

I was happy with it being in my mum but

I was happy with it being in my mum but

I was happy with it being in my mum but I

thank you

it's more disturbing that story than you

it's more disturbing that story than you

it's more disturbing that story than you know right

a lot of people find offensive and the

a lot of people find offensive and the

a lot of people find offensive and the reason for that is there's a lot of

reason for that is there's a lot of

reason for that is there's a lot of spastics out there

friend why don't you bring them out

friend why don't you bring them out

friend why don't you bring them out tonight you [ __ ] [ __ ]

tonight you [ __ ] [ __ ]

tonight you [ __ ] [ __ ] furthermore a few years ago I did three

furthermore a few years ago I did three

furthermore a few years ago I did three gigs of scope they only have to say Jim

gigs of scope they only have to say Jim

gigs of scope they only have to say Jim would like you do have benefits and I

would like you do have benefits and I

would like you do have benefits and I said are you sure you want me and they

said are you sure you want me and they

said are you sure you want me and they said you're the only comedian who's ever

said you're the only comedian who's ever

said you're the only comedian who's ever made jokes about us whilst we're in the

made jokes about us whilst we're in the

made jokes about us whilst we're in the room so anyone who's offended you can go

room so anyone who's offended you can go

room so anyone who's offended you can go get [ __ ] I'm spaz approved

in fact in their review they gave me

in fact in their review they gave me

in fact in their review they gave me four ooze

no

no

no or if you're friends with these people

or if you're friends with these people

or if you're friends with these people why don't you bring them out you always

why don't you bring them out you always

why don't you bring them out you always get some bleeding heart come up to you

get some bleeding heart come up to you

get some bleeding heart come up to you after you get going do you know my best

after you get going do you know my best

after you get going do you know my best friend Jesus not a [ __ ] lately

friend Jesus not a [ __ ] lately

friend Jesus not a [ __ ] lately and then you're like where the [ __ ] are

and then you're like where the [ __ ] are

and then you're like where the [ __ ] are they [ __ ] [ __ ] I used to work as a

they [ __ ] [ __ ] I used to work as a

they [ __ ] [ __ ] I used to work as a disabled carer before I was a comedian

disabled carer before I was a comedian

disabled carer before I was a comedian and it was a good job you felt good

and it was a good job you felt good

and it was a good job you felt good about yourself at the end of the day and

about yourself at the end of the day and

about yourself at the end of the day and I saw some heartwarming things there man

I saw some heartwarming things there man

I saw some heartwarming things there man I saw some [ __ ] miserable things but

I saw some [ __ ] miserable things but

I saw some [ __ ] miserable things but I saw some things that made me feel good

I saw some things that made me feel good

I saw some things that made me feel good man all right I got fired for racing him

man all right I got fired for racing him

man all right I got fired for racing him uh

it sounds a lot worse than it is right

it sounds a lot worse than it is right

it sounds a lot worse than it is right you say racing retards that's offensive

you say racing retards that's offensive

you say racing retards that's offensive right call it Paralympics Goodwill and

so

so

so anyway I'm going to tell you a good

anyway I'm going to tell you a good

anyway I'm going to tell you a good story that came from there something

story that came from there something

story that came from there something nice right I think this story is

nice right I think this story is

nice right I think this story is inspiring you might agree with it but I

inspiring you might agree with it but I

inspiring you might agree with it but I took these two Lads down to the beach

took these two Lads down to the beach

took these two Lads down to the beach with cerebral palsy right not with the

with cerebral palsy right not with the

with cerebral palsy right not with the power of

power of

power of it's not like they're magical

it's not like they're magical

it's not like they're magical they assume they have some but the only

they assume they have some but the only

they assume they have some but the only real magical disabilities are dwarfs and

real magical disabilities are dwarfs and

real magical disabilities are dwarfs and midgets aren't magical they're these

midgets aren't magical they're these

midgets aren't magical they're these freakish little people don't worry about

freakish little people don't worry about

freakish little people don't worry about that joke it goes over the midget's

that joke it goes over the midget's

that joke it goes over the midget's heads

heads

heads doesn't go over the dwarf's heads people

doesn't go over the dwarf's heads people

doesn't go over the dwarf's heads people underestimate how big their foreheads

underestimate how big their foreheads

underestimate how big their foreheads are and

are and

are and just smacks them in the 14th wrinkle

just smacks them in the 14th wrinkle

just smacks them in the 14th wrinkle um

anyway I took these two Lads down the

anyway I took these two Lads down the

anyway I took these two Lads down the beach with cerebral palsy and we reel

beach with cerebral palsy and we reel

beach with cerebral palsy and we reel them down to the Beast and there's a

them down to the Beast and there's a

them down to the Beast and there's a beautiful moment when you're at the

beautiful moment when you're at the

beautiful moment when you're at the beach and you're just looking at the

beach and you're just looking at the

beach and you're just looking at the water in the sand where you're eating an

water in the sand where you're eating an

water in the sand where you're eating an ice cream you go how long do we stay

ice cream you go how long do we stay

ice cream you go how long do we stay here for what's the appropriate amount

here for what's the appropriate amount

here for what's the appropriate amount of time it's like they're going to go

of time it's like they're going to go

of time it's like they're going to go swimming and in Australia you can sun

swimming and in Australia you can sun

swimming and in Australia you can sun make topless there's a lot of topless

make topless there's a lot of topless

make topless there's a lot of topless women walking around and you're not

women walking around and you're not

women walking around and you're not meant to look at topless women when

meant to look at topless women when

meant to look at topless women when they're on the beach if if one woman in

they're on the beach if if one woman in

they're on the beach if if one woman in this room was topless right now there'd

this room was topless right now there'd

this room was topless right now there'd be no gig the show would be over the

be no gig the show would be over the

be no gig the show would be over the room would be freaking out right but

room would be freaking out right but

room would be freaking out right but at the beach [ __ ] the girl's top was

at the beach [ __ ] the girl's top was

at the beach [ __ ] the girl's top was you're meant to just act like this is

you're meant to just act like this is

you're meant to just act like this is normal and not look or poke

so

anyway the two like

anyway the two like

anyway the two like this girl walks by with tremendous tits

this girl walks by with tremendous tits

this girl walks by with tremendous tits right now one of the lads who has no

right now one of the lads who has no

right now one of the lads who has no muscle memory whatsoever right he's all

muscle memory whatsoever right he's all

muscle memory whatsoever right he's all Hawking up right and

a pair of tits walk by and I swear to

a pair of tits walk by and I swear to

a pair of tits walk by and I swear to God he [ __ ] locked on

God he [ __ ] locked on

God he [ __ ] locked on like a solid [ __ ]

like a solid [ __ ]

like a solid [ __ ] did not [ __ ] deviate as she went by

did not [ __ ] deviate as she went by

did not [ __ ] deviate as she went by and I was thinking is this some type of

and I was thinking is this some type of

and I was thinking is this some type of therapy that they've never offered these

therapy that they've never offered these

therapy that they've never offered these people

people

people anyway so I started thinking right now

anyway so I started thinking right now

anyway so I started thinking right now as an able buddy person I can't stand

as an able buddy person I can't stand

as an able buddy person I can't stand tits because someone punched me in the

tits because someone punched me in the

tits because someone punched me in the head but I think [ __ ] it I'm going to

head but I think [ __ ] it I'm going to

head but I think [ __ ] it I'm going to start staring at tits who's going to

start staring at tits who's going to

start staring at tits who's going to punch me in the head I'm the nicest guy

punch me in the head I'm the nicest guy

punch me in the head I'm the nicest guy in the world I'm with two spastics right

in the world I'm with two spastics right

in the world I'm with two spastics right so I started staring at tits

so I started staring at tits

so I started staring at tits then his big fat ass woman with just

then his big fat ass woman with just

then his big fat ass woman with just bikini bottoms on with her tits hanging

bikini bottoms on with her tits hanging

bikini bottoms on with her tits hanging out walks by and one of the lads turned

out walks by and one of the lads turned

out walks by and one of the lads turned to the other one and over the course of

to the other one and over the course of

to the other one and over the course of five minutes

five minutes

five minutes but I'll speed it up for you

but I'll speed it up for you

but I'll speed it up for you goes there's one for you mate now

goes there's one for you mate now

goes there's one for you mate now it's

it's

it's it's a lovely joke it's a joke that we

it's a lovely joke it's a joke that we

it's a lovely joke it's a joke that we have all enjoyed everyone has done that

have all enjoyed everyone has done that

have all enjoyed everyone has done that joke with their friends gone that's your

joke with their friends gone that's your

joke with their friends gone that's your wife that is and we've all had a good

wife that is and we've all had a good

wife that is and we've all had a good luck it's not a great joke but you know

luck it's not a great joke but you know

luck it's not a great joke but you know what I found heartwarming what I found

what I found heartwarming what I found

what I found heartwarming what I found inspiring about that you know it was

inspiring about that you know it was

inspiring about that you know it was inspiring this guy can't wipe his own

inspiring this guy can't wipe his own

inspiring this guy can't wipe his own ass

ass

ass yeah he's too good for the fat chick

the human Spirit my friends

now

now

now who's watched me getting punched in the

who's watched me getting punched in the

who's watched me getting punched in the head on the Internet

head on the Internet

head on the Internet it's a lot of fun

I will now Endeavor to tell you the

I will now Endeavor to tell you the

I will now Endeavor to tell you the actual story of why this happened a lot

actual story of why this happened a lot

actual story of why this happened a lot of people have written to me

of people have written to me

of people have written to me asked if it really did happen and if it

asked if it really did happen and if it

asked if it really did happen and if it was fake it was completely real

was fake it was completely real

was fake it was completely real what happened was I was in a comedy club

what happened was I was in a comedy club

what happened was I was in a comedy club the Manchester Comedy Store

the Manchester Comedy Store

the Manchester Comedy Store it's about about 450 people in

it's about about 450 people in

it's about about 450 people in there was a woman up in the balcony that

there was a woman up in the balcony that

there was a woman up in the balcony that kept on heckling and heckling and

kept on heckling and heckling and

kept on heckling and heckling and heckling and I put it down I put it down

heckling and I put it down I put it down

heckling and I put it down I put it down I put it down and then eventually I went

I put it down and then eventually I went

I put it down and then eventually I went I'm going to leave you alone now like

I'm going to leave you alone now like

I'm going to leave you alone now like your dad did right

your dad did right

your dad did right and then I went it's a shame your

and then I went it's a shame your

and then I went it's a shame your grandfather never did I know funny right

anyway there was a guy on this side of

anyway there was a guy on this side of

anyway there was a guy on this side of the room who I assume had some issues

the room who I assume had some issues

the room who I assume had some issues with his grandfather

with his grandfather

with his grandfather and he took some umbrage

and he took some umbrage

and he took some umbrage on what I said and decided he was going

on what I said and decided he was going

on what I said and decided he was going to punch me in the head

to punch me in the head

to punch me in the head but

but

but he was an Irish bloke

he was an Irish bloke

he was an Irish bloke so he had a full drink

so he had a full drink

so he had a full drink so he waited until he finished his drink

so he waited until he finished his drink

so he waited until he finished his drink and then punched me in the head but he

and then punched me in the head but he

and then punched me in the head but he never yelled anything out he just sort

never yelled anything out he just sort

never yelled anything out he just sort of put his drink down calmly went oh I'm

of put his drink down calmly went oh I'm

of put his drink down calmly went oh I'm gonna [ __ ] smack him

now when he hit me I was in the middle

now when he hit me I was in the middle

now when he hit me I was in the middle of my cut material

of my cut material

of my cut material so for me this is a very odd moment for

so for me this is a very odd moment for

so for me this is a very odd moment for a man to punch me in the head now I'm

a man to punch me in the head now I'm

a man to punch me in the head now I'm going to do the [ __ ] jokes for you now

going to do the [ __ ] jokes for you now

going to do the [ __ ] jokes for you now so you know that what the mindset I was

so you know that what the mindset I was

so you know that what the mindset I was in when this happened

starting like this

women to me are like public toilets

women to me are like public toilets

women to me are like public toilets they're all dirty except the disabled

they're all dirty except the disabled

they're all dirty except the disabled ones

every single man in this room admit to

every single man in this room admit to

every single man in this room admit to being a bad shag from time to time

being a bad shag from time to time

being a bad shag from time to time whether it be through alcohol fatigue or

whether it be through alcohol fatigue or

whether it be through alcohol fatigue or just not giving a [ __ ] there's no woman

just not giving a [ __ ] there's no woman

just not giving a [ __ ] there's no woman in this room and thinks they're bad in

in this room and thinks they're bad in

in this room and thinks they're bad in Ben do you want to know what most of

Ben do you want to know what most of

Ben do you want to know what most of your [ __ ] are the reason you don't

your [ __ ] are the reason you don't

your [ __ ] are the reason you don't notice is because no man's ever told you

notice is because no man's ever told you

notice is because no man's ever told you because if we tell you you'll run off

because if we tell you you'll run off

because if we tell you you'll run off and cry because your spirits are weak

just because I come doesn't mean you're

just because I come doesn't mean you're

just because I come doesn't mean you're doing a good job

you're going to come anyway sometimes it

you're going to come anyway sometimes it

you're going to come anyway sometimes it comes you'll stop whatever the [ __ ]

comes you'll stop whatever the [ __ ]

comes you'll stop whatever the [ __ ] you're doing down there with your nails

you're doing down there with your nails

you're doing down there with your nails and your teachers put it in your mouth

and your teachers put it in your mouth

and your teachers put it in your mouth and be a [ __ ] man about it

and be a [ __ ] man about it

and be a [ __ ] man about it I've been down and women have made them

I've been down and women have made them

I've been down and women have made them come and you get that one woman she's

come and you get that one woman she's

come and you get that one woman she's not coming she looks at you like it's

not coming she looks at you like it's

not coming she looks at you like it's your fault it's not my fault your cunt's

your fault it's not my fault your cunt's

your fault it's not my fault your cunt's broken

broken

broken foreign

did that

did that

did that and women think that's the funniest joke

and women think that's the funniest joke

and women think that's the funniest joke in the world well that's not funny

in the world well that's not funny

in the world well that's not funny that's hurtful

that's hurtful

that's hurtful next time you think about doing that

next time you think about doing that

next time you think about doing that imagine you [ __ ] a guy and all these

imagine you [ __ ] a guy and all these

imagine you [ __ ] a guy and all these mates walk past you and go

but never do that again and you think by

but never do that again and you think by

but never do that again and you think by doing this you're teaching me something

doing this you're teaching me something

doing this you're teaching me something I don't already [ __ ] know

I don't already [ __ ] know

I don't already [ __ ] know I'm well aware I've got a small dick

I'm well aware I've got a small dick

I'm well aware I've got a small dick I've measured it I know how big my dick

I've measured it I know how big my dick

I've measured it I know how big my dick is to the millimeter but does any woman

is to the millimeter but does any woman

is to the millimeter but does any woman in this room truly know the size of

in this room truly know the size of

in this room truly know the size of their [ __ ]

none of you and none of you will ever

none of you and none of you will ever

none of you and none of you will ever know for sure because no man's going to

know for sure because no man's going to

know for sure because no man's going to tell you because we're good people

I know you're thinking he's not talking

I know you're thinking he's not talking

I know you're thinking he's not talking about my [ __ ] because it gets a bit sore

about my [ __ ] because it gets a bit sore

about my [ __ ] because it gets a bit sore during sex that means [ __ ] all I've been

during sex that means [ __ ] all I've been

during sex that means [ __ ] all I've been down in one for 20 minutes it's wide

down in one for 20 minutes it's wide

down in one for 20 minutes it's wide open it's flowing like a Murray River I

open it's flowing like a Murray River I

open it's flowing like a Murray River I put the tip of my [ __ ] in they go gentle

put the tip of my [ __ ] in they go gentle

put the tip of my [ __ ] in they go gentle gentle gentle I could shove my [ __ ]

gentle gentle I could shove my [ __ ]

gentle gentle I could shove my [ __ ] head in that

sometimes fat chicks are really tight

sometimes fat chicks are really tight

sometimes fat chicks are really tight [ __ ] that's a bloody mystery hey I

[ __ ] that's a bloody mystery hey I

[ __ ] that's a bloody mystery hey I think it's because all the Fat's pushing

think it's because all the Fat's pushing

think it's because all the Fat's pushing it inwards or when you're [ __ ] them

it inwards or when you're [ __ ] them

it inwards or when you're [ __ ] them you're just rubbing up against thighs

you're just rubbing up against thighs

you're just rubbing up against thighs and you never actually reach the cone

and you never actually reach the cone

and you never actually reach the cone that's why doctors say fat women have to

that's why doctors say fat women have to

that's why doctors say fat women have to lose weight to get pregnant

and that's when I got punched in the

and that's when I got punched in the

and that's when I got punched in the head

all right drop it down start the film

all right drop it down start the film

all right drop it down start the film what's happening there we go

what's happening there we go

what's happening there we go I think it's because all the fact

I think it's because all the fact

I think it's because all the fact s

[Applause]

[Applause]

[Applause] pause

now as you may have already realized I'm

now as you may have already realized I'm

now as you may have already realized I'm a great fighter

you may not have seen the subtleties of

you may not have seen the subtleties of

you may not have seen the subtleties of what went on there

what went on there

what went on there first punch I blocked with my face

first punch I blocked with my face

first punch I blocked with my face then I went into my crouching ninja

then I went into my crouching ninja

then I went into my crouching ninja position

position

position allowing him to punch me in the back of

allowing him to punch me in the back of

allowing him to punch me in the back of the head which is the hardest part of

the head which is the hardest part of

the head which is the hardest part of the human body

the human body

the human body hurting his hand

now

now

now let's let's tell about all the

let's let's tell about all the

let's let's tell about all the characters that are on stage at the

characters that are on stage at the

characters that are on stage at the moment

moment

moment the man on the ground bent over

the man on the ground bent over

the man on the ground bent over that's me

that's me

that's me I'm cowering

I'm cowering

I'm cowering the one standing over me is the is the

the one standing over me is the is the

the one standing over me is the is the man hitting me

man hitting me

man hitting me the other man he is insecurity he's a

the other man he is insecurity he's a

the other man he is insecurity he's a punter just like you people who came to

punter just like you people who came to

punter just like you people who came to my Aid and I will love this man to the

my Aid and I will love this man to the

my Aid and I will love this man to the day I die but not because he helped me

day I die but not because he helped me

day I die but not because he helped me because if you look in his hand he's

because if you look in his hand he's

because if you look in his hand he's still carrying his pint

still carrying his pint

still carrying his pint foreign

thought that he couldn't have a fight

thought that he couldn't have a fight

thought that he couldn't have a fight and drink

now let's play a little bit more footage

now let's play a little bit more footage

now let's play a little bit more footage please

please

please [Music]

[Music]

[Music] stop

stop

stop we have some new characters

I have already left this scene I've

I have already left this scene I've

I have already left this scene I've walked up to the door over there where I

walked up to the door over there where I

walked up to the door over there where I have entered back into the dressing room

have entered back into the dressing room

have entered back into the dressing room with a black eye whereupon the other

with a black eye whereupon the other

with a black eye whereupon the other comedians have gone how did it go

and I went it could have gone better now

and I went it could have gone better now

and I went it could have gone better now the new people have arrived we have a

the new people have arrived we have a

the new people have arrived we have a new skinny man who's throwing punches

new skinny man who's throwing punches

new skinny man who's throwing punches there's a man in a black suit in the

there's a man in a black suit in the

there's a man in a black suit in the middle there who is the actual security

middle there who is the actual security

middle there who is the actual security and the other Lads are just punters her

and the other Lads are just punters her

and the other Lads are just punters her up for a fight it's Manchester

now you see the guy on the left there

now you see the guy on the left there

now you see the guy on the left there he's brilliant because in a moment

he's brilliant because in a moment

he's brilliant because in a moment what's going to happen is security is

what's going to happen is security is

what's going to happen is security is going to hold the man who assaulted me

going to hold the man who assaulted me

going to hold the man who assaulted me and go all right I've got all under

and go all right I've got all under

and go all right I've got all under control and he's going to go but I've

control and he's going to go but I've

control and he's going to go but I've got a clear shot

got a clear shot

got a clear shot and the security guy is going to go yeah

and the security guy is going to go yeah

and the security guy is going to go yeah mate we've got it under control and he's

mate we've got it under control and he's

mate we've got it under control and he's going to go ah come on

going to go ah come on

going to go ah come on and the security guy goes

and the security guy goes

and the security guy goes go on there

go on there

go on there [Applause]

[Applause]

[Applause] ready all right so keep your eyes on him

ready all right so keep your eyes on him

ready all right so keep your eyes on him the man on the left play the film

[Applause]

[Applause]

really great

videos

[Applause]

[Applause]

[Applause] [Music]

[Applause]

[Applause]

[Applause] ladies and gentlemen I think hang on I

ladies and gentlemen I think hang on I

ladies and gentlemen I think hang on I think

[Applause]

[Applause]

[Applause] all right all right ladies and gentlemen

all right all right ladies and gentlemen

all right all right ladies and gentlemen the wank is gone all right pause

the wank is gone all right pause

the wank is gone all right pause [Applause]

[Applause]

[Applause] yeah

yeah

yeah this is a security footage so I'm it's

this is a security footage so I'm it's

this is a security footage so I'm it's very grainy and whatever so I got given

very grainy and whatever so I got given

very grainy and whatever so I got given this copy of this tape from The Comedy

this copy of this tape from The Comedy

this copy of this tape from The Comedy Store after it happened right and I went

Store after it happened right and I went

Store after it happened right and I went around to uh it was comedians having a

around to uh it was comedians having a

around to uh it was comedians having a party in one of the houses like 20

party in one of the houses like 20

party in one of the houses like 20 comedians there and I come back with

comedians there and I come back with

comedians there and I come back with this bit of gold

this bit of gold

this bit of gold you know just like you have to [ __ ]

you know just like you have to [ __ ]

you know just like you have to [ __ ] see how [ __ ] my gig was

see how [ __ ] my gig was

see how [ __ ] my gig was right

right

right and we put it on the player and we all

and we put it on the player and we all

and we put it on the player and we all watch it and when Tim Clark comes out

watch it and when Tim Clark comes out

watch it and when Tim Clark comes out and goes ladies and gentlemen the wank

and goes ladies and gentlemen the wank

and goes ladies and gentlemen the wank is gone all the comics said Unison but

is gone all the comics said Unison but

is gone all the comics said Unison but he's coming back out

now I I do come back out and I'm going

now I I do come back out and I'm going

now I I do come back out and I'm going to I'm about to come out to a standing

to I'm about to come out to a standing

to I'm about to come out to a standing ovation now it wasn't that good a gig to

ovation now it wasn't that good a gig to

ovation now it wasn't that good a gig to begin with but people felt sorry for me

begin with but people felt sorry for me

begin with but people felt sorry for me but what you're really going to see is

but what you're really going to see is

but what you're really going to see is when I come out you're going to see some

when I come out you're going to see some

when I come out you're going to see some of the worst high-fiving you've ever

of the worst high-fiving you've ever

of the worst high-fiving you've ever seen I'm I'm talking on missing hands

seen I'm I'm talking on missing hands

seen I'm I'm talking on missing hands I'm grabbing like I'm not a cool guy I

I'm grabbing like I'm not a cool guy I

I'm grabbing like I'm not a cool guy I just don't have cool in me right well

just don't have cool in me right well

just don't have cool in me right well the other day someone gave me one of

the other day someone gave me one of

the other day someone gave me one of them

them

them and I grabbed their feast

and I grabbed their feast

and I grabbed their feast anyway hello

you'll know what I'm talking about in a

you'll know what I'm talking about in a

you'll know what I'm talking about in a second by the type

second by the type

second by the type all right all right that's not gonna

all right all right that's not gonna

all right all right that's not gonna help really all right but Jim is Jim is

help really all right but Jim is Jim is

help really all right but Jim is Jim is going to come back and finish this set

going to come back and finish this set

going to come back and finish this set for you

so if you don't like it you can go but

so if you don't like it you can go but

so if you don't like it you can go but if you enjoyed Jim stay because he's

if you enjoyed Jim stay because he's

if you enjoyed Jim stay because he's gonna do another five minutes and please

ladies and gentlemen to finish up

ladies and gentlemen to finish up

ladies and gentlemen to finish up welcome back Jim Jefferies

boys

it's it's a weird thing I can watch me

it's it's a weird thing I can watch me

it's it's a weird thing I can watch me getting punched in the head over and

getting punched in the head over and

getting punched in the head over and over and over again and I'm completely

over and over again and I'm completely

over and over again and I'm completely fine with it but this

fine with it but this

fine with it but this foreign

[Applause]

I'll be witty and going why did that guy

I'll be witty and going why did that guy

I'll be witty and going why did that guy come up here and I'll say some funny

come up here and I'll say some funny

come up here and I'll say some funny things

things

things that's not what actually happened uh

that's not what actually happened uh

that's not what actually happened uh the man who hit me was obviously Irish

the man who hit me was obviously Irish

the man who hit me was obviously Irish because he was yelling at me like he was

because he was yelling at me like he was

because he was yelling at me like he was from the IRA

from the IRA

from the IRA and he kept hitting me and when I came

and he kept hitting me and when I came

and he kept hitting me and when I came out

out

out I may have said some very bigoted things

I may have said some very bigoted things

I may have said some very bigoted things about the Irish

about the Irish

about the Irish which I regret saying but as a live show

which I regret saying but as a live show

which I regret saying but as a live show I feel I should be honest with you so

I feel I should be honest with you so

I feel I should be honest with you so you can see the actual footage of what I

you can see the actual footage of what I

you can see the actual footage of what I exactly said

exactly said

exactly said um now I wasn't racist because Irish

um now I wasn't racist because Irish

um now I wasn't racist because Irish people it's not a race

people it's not a race

people it's not a race get over it I was just being a bigoted

get over it I was just being a bigoted

get over it I was just being a bigoted [ __ ] uh

[ __ ] uh

[ __ ] uh you'll understand I'm not proud of this

you'll understand I'm not proud of this

you'll understand I'm not proud of this but play the thing

but play the thing

but play the thing [Applause]

[ __ ] Irish people eh

Irish people have they think they have

Irish people have they think they have

Irish people have they think they have the best [ __ ] sense of humor in the

the best [ __ ] sense of humor in the

the best [ __ ] sense of humor in the [ __ ] world I think they're so [ __ ]

[ __ ] world I think they're so [ __ ]

[ __ ] world I think they're so [ __ ] delightful don't they look at me I'm

delightful don't they look at me I'm

delightful don't they look at me I'm dancing just with me legs it's a heap of

dancing just with me legs it's a heap of

dancing just with me legs it's a heap of [ __ ] [ __ ] you fatty [ __ ]

you go over there and have a drink have

you go over there and have a drink have

you go over there and have a drink have a drink have a drink you're in Ireland

a drink have a drink you're in Ireland

a drink have a drink you're in Ireland we all [ __ ] drink an island have a

we all [ __ ] drink an island have a

we all [ __ ] drink an island have a drink have a drink have a drink have a

drink have a drink have a drink have a

drink have a drink have a drink have a drink just drive the bus you fat freak

have I been drinking I've got a [ __ ]

have I been drinking I've got a [ __ ]

have I been drinking I've got a [ __ ] headache

pause

[Applause]

[Applause]

[Applause] we may have edited that bit out as well

we may have edited that bit out as well

we may have edited that bit out as well not everyone was happy to see me come

not everyone was happy to see me come

not everyone was happy to see me come back out on the stage

back out on the stage

back out on the stage some people believed me to have big tits

some people believed me to have big tits

some people believed me to have big tits in fat prick

in fat prick

in fat prick um now we're not going to play the rest

um now we're not going to play the rest

um now we're not going to play the rest of the tape now yeah if you're watching

of the tape now yeah if you're watching

of the tape now yeah if you're watching the DVD you'll be on the extra features

the DVD you'll be on the extra features

the DVD you'll be on the extra features what

what

what let's back up take my top off I see the

let's back up take my top off I see the

let's back up take my top off I see the thing is ordinarily I'd have a witty

thing is ordinarily I'd have a witty

thing is ordinarily I'd have a witty answer but I recently lost a bit of

answer but I recently lost a bit of

answer but I recently lost a bit of weight so I'm not ashamed to do so

weight so I'm not ashamed to do so

weight so I'm not ashamed to do so [Music]

[Music]

[Music] really is this where you've come

really is this where you've come

really is this where you've come is this how far we've traveled together

is this how far we've traveled together

is this how far we've traveled together so you wanted to best string fellows in

so you wanted to best string fellows in

so you wanted to best string fellows in 20 meters from here you want to see a

20 meters from here you want to see a

20 meters from here you want to see a fat pale Australian

fat pale Australian

fat pale Australian [Applause]

well who am I to tell you you can

well who am I to tell you you can

well who am I to tell you you can [Applause]

[Applause]

[Applause] that's the biggest tee you've given me

that's the biggest tee you've given me

that's the biggest tee you've given me online

foreign

I have sucked a black [ __ ] in a toilet I

I have sucked a black [ __ ] in a toilet I

I have sucked a black [ __ ] in a toilet I have been molested for you people

have been molested for you people

have been molested for you people and all you want is my skin

well that's what you're gonna do

well that's what you're gonna do

well that's what you're gonna do [Applause]

[Applause]

[Applause] it okay we're wrapping up right now

it okay we're wrapping up right now

it okay we're wrapping up right now we're going to be out here in a second

we're going to be out here in a second

we're going to be out here in a second last night on a Friday that the room was

last night on a Friday that the room was

last night on a Friday that the room was all men

all men

all men it was great crowd I thought you've been

it was great crowd I thought you've been

it was great crowd I thought you've been good but they were [ __ ] good all

good but they were [ __ ] good all

good but they were [ __ ] good all right and it was all men angry young men

right and it was all men angry young men

right and it was all men angry young men and it was like [ __ ] testosterone

and it was like [ __ ] testosterone

and it was like [ __ ] testosterone City and now it's [ __ ] it's couples

City and now it's [ __ ] it's couples

City and now it's [ __ ] it's couples night it's Saturday Saturday on Friday

night it's Saturday Saturday on Friday

night it's Saturday Saturday on Friday you go with the guys from work on

you go with the guys from work on

you go with the guys from work on Saturday you take your bird out right

Saturday you take your bird out right

Saturday you take your bird out right obviously she gets to choose the movie

obviously she gets to choose the movie

obviously she gets to choose the movie Next time all right

Next time all right

Next time all right I don't imagine that I'm the bird's

I don't imagine that I'm the bird's

I don't imagine that I'm the bird's choice and there's some guy going

to see Jim Jefferies

as long as you can watch still Magnolias

yes

yes

yes and go

and go

and go [Laughter]

[Laughter]

[Laughter] all right Brett how long we got five

all right Brett how long we got five

all right Brett how long we got five minutes

minutes

minutes or we can do a bit more

or we can do a bit more

or we can do a bit more all right no we don't want to piss

all right no we don't want to piss

all right no we don't want to piss anyone off

anyone off

anyone off but there's never enough on this stage

but there's never enough on this stage

but there's never enough on this stage straight after me so we can get into a

straight after me so we can get into a

straight after me so we can get into a bit of trouble if we run over because I

bit of trouble if we run over because I

bit of trouble if we run over because I don't want to have the [ __ ] beaten out

don't want to have the [ __ ] beaten out

don't want to have the [ __ ] beaten out of me by a 50 year old man in a dress

[Music]

[Music]

[Music] laughs

laughs

laughs I don't think he wears a dress anymore

I don't think he wears a dress anymore

I don't think he wears a dress anymore um

I'm gonna see him in the stairs going up

I'm gonna see him in the stairs going up

I'm gonna see him in the stairs going up he's probably staying there I'm gonna go

all right

all right

all right I'm gonna

I'm gonna

I'm gonna oh she's not enough men at least two

oh she's not enough men at least two

oh she's not enough men at least two normally okay I've got to get this on

normally okay I've got to get this on

normally okay I've got to get this on tape and you're probably all seen it in

tape and you're probably all seen it in

tape and you're probably all seen it in a billion times but I gotta do the egg

a billion times but I gotta do the egg

a billion times but I gotta do the egg story all right

so if you have this is what happened

so if you have this is what happened

so if you have this is what happened yesterday we did the [ __ ] Jimmy boat

yesterday we did the [ __ ] Jimmy boat

yesterday we did the [ __ ] Jimmy boat um

um

um this is what happened yesterday we did

this is what happened yesterday we did

this is what happened yesterday we did the egg story and it was like at a rock

the egg story and it was like at a rock

the egg story and it was like at a rock concert like everyone was singing along

concert like everyone was singing along

concert like everyone was singing along let's try to do it just properly

let's try to do it just properly

let's try to do it just properly if you know the punch likes please do

if you know the punch likes please do

if you know the punch likes please do not yell them out in unison but

not yell them out in unison but

not yell them out in unison but if you really wanted one okay all right

if you really wanted one okay all right

if you really wanted one okay all right a couple of years ago I was performing

a couple of years ago I was performing

a couple of years ago I was performing the Amsterdam Hilton now the base of the

the Amsterdam Hilton now the base of the

the Amsterdam Hilton now the base of the Amsterdam Hilton they have a comedy club

Amsterdam Hilton they have a comedy club

Amsterdam Hilton they have a comedy club and I was there for two weeks I had two

and I was there for two weeks I had two

and I was there for two weeks I had two days off in my two weeks and I found on

days off in my two weeks and I found on

days off in my two weeks and I found on the outskirts of Amsterdam there's a

the outskirts of Amsterdam there's a

the outskirts of Amsterdam there's a great big place called The porn

great big place called The porn

great big place called The porn Warehouse which is like a great big Asda

Warehouse which is like a great big Asda

Warehouse which is like a great big Asda saw me day off I thought [ __ ] Anne

saw me day off I thought [ __ ] Anne

saw me day off I thought [ __ ] Anne Frank's Place and I went out to the poor

Frank's Place and I went out to the poor

Frank's Place and I went out to the poor warehouse now when I go shopping in ASDA

warehouse now when I go shopping in ASDA

warehouse now when I go shopping in ASDA I take a little plastic basket with me

I take a little plastic basket with me

I take a little plastic basket with me porn Warehouse took a trolley

porn Warehouse took a trolley

porn Warehouse took a trolley still had the kids see which I thought

still had the kids see which I thought

still had the kids see which I thought was weird

was weird

was weird now I'm loading my trolley full of every

now I'm loading my trolley full of every

now I'm loading my trolley full of every bit of porno paraphernalia I can get I

bit of porno paraphernalia I can get I

bit of porno paraphernalia I can get I get up towards the till and there's a

get up towards the till and there's a

get up towards the till and there's a massive wall covered in dildos now with

massive wall covered in dildos now with

massive wall covered in dildos now with your mates what would you do sword fight

your mates what would you do sword fight

your mates what would you do sword fight but I was by myself so the most I could

but I was by myself so the most I could

but I was by myself so the most I could muster is like a scene from Star Wars I

muster is like a scene from Star Wars I

muster is like a scene from Star Wars I think anyway there's a smaller wall but

think anyway there's a smaller wall but

think anyway there's a smaller wall but just as impressive covered in rubber

just as impressive covered in rubber

just as impressive covered in rubber vibrating vaginas now whenever you're

vibrating vaginas now whenever you're

vibrating vaginas now whenever you're with your mates you see one of those you

with your mates you see one of those you

with your mates you see one of those you go who the [ __ ] would use one of those

go who the [ __ ] would use one of those

go who the [ __ ] would use one of those eh there's always a bit of your brain

eh there's always a bit of your brain

eh there's always a bit of your brain that goes wouldn't mind trying that just

that goes wouldn't mind trying that just

that goes wouldn't mind trying that just once so

once so

once so I got myself the Jenna Jameson rubber by

I got myself the Jenna Jameson rubber by

I got myself the Jenna Jameson rubber by running vagina on the side of the boxer

running vagina on the side of the boxer

running vagina on the side of the boxer said vibrate size to give realistic

said vibrate size to give realistic

said vibrate size to give realistic sensation realistic if you're [ __ ] a

sensation realistic if you're [ __ ] a

sensation realistic if you're [ __ ] a chick with Parkinson's but not around

now I've gone back to my hotel on the

now I've gone back to my hotel on the

now I've gone back to my hotel on the side if I'm going to have this wank it's

side if I'm going to have this wank it's

side if I'm going to have this wank it's going to be the wank it's going to be

going to be the wank it's going to be

going to be the wank it's going to be the wank that when I've got dementia

the wank that when I've got dementia

the wank that when I've got dementia I'll be sitting in a nursing home going

I'll be sitting in a nursing home going

I'll be sitting in a nursing home going [ __ ] the rubber can't

[ __ ] [ __ ] [ __ ] it

so put on me pawn mags down one side I

so put on me pawn mags down one side I

so put on me pawn mags down one side I better put Pawn to tell you I got the

better put Pawn to tell you I got the

better put Pawn to tell you I got the rubber cut out how to bite I put

foreign

[Applause]

pretty good but I couldn't enjoy myself

pretty good but I couldn't enjoy myself

pretty good but I couldn't enjoy myself because the only thought going through

because the only thought going through

because the only thought going through my head was if you die right now

my head was if you die right now

my head was if you die right now this is how they're going to tell your

this is how they're going to tell your

this is how they're going to tell your mum they found you

mum they found you

mum they found you now as I'm [ __ ] it I don't have a big

now as I'm [ __ ] it I don't have a big

now as I'm [ __ ] it I don't have a big [ __ ] enough and I think the rubber [ __ ]

[ __ ] enough and I think the rubber [ __ ]

[ __ ] enough and I think the rubber [ __ ] was faulty right but as I'm [ __ ] at

was faulty right but as I'm [ __ ] at

was faulty right but as I'm [ __ ] at the latex on the top just sort of tears

the latex on the top just sort of tears

the latex on the top just sort of tears and the egg falls out at the end and I'm

and the egg falls out at the end and I'm

and the egg falls out at the end and I'm pretty upset because it's not like I can

pretty upset because it's not like I can

pretty upset because it's not like I can take it back to the shop slap it on the

take it back to the shop slap it on the

take it back to the shop slap it on the counter and go look at that

counter and go look at that

counter and go look at that oh I bought that an hour ago

went home and [ __ ] it

went home and [ __ ] it

went home and [ __ ] it now that gun's broken

now that gun's broken

now that gun's broken now I still had a lot of lube I still

now I still had a lot of lube I still

now I still had a lot of lube I still had a lot of foreign still out of

had a lot of foreign still out of

had a lot of foreign still out of vibrating egg so I did what anyone in

vibrating egg so I did what anyone in

vibrating egg so I did what anyone in this room would do I lube that egg up

this room would do I lube that egg up

this room would do I lube that egg up and shoved it up my ass

and shoved it up my ass

and shoved it up my ass it's now sitting up against a gland

it's now sitting up against a gland

it's now sitting up against a gland called the prostate gland the male

called the prostate gland the male

called the prostate gland the male G-spot have felt terrific it felt so

G-spot have felt terrific it felt so

G-spot have felt terrific it felt so good that I was thinking I'm going to

good that I was thinking I'm going to

good that I was thinking I'm going to shove all the things up he asked me to

shove all the things up he asked me to

shove all the things up he asked me to get back up to England

get back up to England

get back up to England a sloppy [ __ ] a couple of times I just

a sloppy [ __ ] a couple of times I just

a sloppy [ __ ] a couple of times I just don't let me chest and now I've got

don't let me chest and now I've got

don't let me chest and now I've got chisomy chest Lube let me [ __ ] egg

chisomy chest Lube let me [ __ ] egg

chisomy chest Lube let me [ __ ] egg hanging at me ass broken cut in the

hanging at me ass broken cut in the

hanging at me ass broken cut in the corner I gotta tell you I've looked

corner I gotta tell you I've looked

corner I gotta tell you I've looked better

better

better now you know that bit of pain that goes

now you know that bit of pain that goes

now you know that bit of pain that goes through your soul after you've had a

through your soul after you've had a

through your soul after you've had a wank and you've got a bit of [ __ ] on your

wank and you've got a bit of [ __ ] on your

wank and you've got a bit of [ __ ] on your hand and you go what did you do that for

hand and you go what did you do that for

hand and you go what did you do that for you're a grown man

you're a grown man

you're a grown man well I still had an egg hanging out of

well I still had an egg hanging out of

well I still had an egg hanging out of my ass

my ass

my ass safe to say I wanted to kill myself so I

safe to say I wanted to kill myself so I

safe to say I wanted to kill myself so I started slapping the point off the

started slapping the point off the

started slapping the point off the better turn the pawn off to tell you go

better turn the pawn off to tell you go

better turn the pawn off to tell you go to whip the egg out of me ask the

to whip the egg out of me ask the

to whip the egg out of me ask the [ __ ] cord snaps up

[ __ ] cord snaps up

[ __ ] cord snaps up not only does it snap off the two

not only does it snap off the two

not only does it snap off the two plastic shells of the egg slightly break

plastic shells of the egg slightly break

plastic shells of the egg slightly break apart and now pinch it against me colon

don't worry about this gym you can [ __ ]

don't worry about this gym you can [ __ ]

don't worry about this gym you can [ __ ] this out but your ass on those are

this out but your ass on those are

this out but your ass on those are shitties and those are plastic egg is

shitties and those are plastic egg is

shitties and those are plastic egg is and it don't [ __ ] play cricket in

and it don't [ __ ] play cricket in

and it don't [ __ ] play cricket in this experience

not enough you'll know a lot about your

not enough you'll know a lot about your

not enough you'll know a lot about your columns and noise should you but they're

columns and noise should you but they're

columns and noise should you but they're made up for several channels of pump poo

made up for several channels of pump poo

made up for several channels of pump poo through now I've lubed up this finger

through now I've lubed up this finger

through now I've lubed up this finger and this thumb and I've gone up my ass

and this thumb and I've gone up my ass

and this thumb and I've gone up my ass after the egg but with every grab I've

after the egg but with every grab I've

after the egg but with every grab I've pushed it further and further and

pushed it further and further and

pushed it further and further and further up my colon It's Now up to

further up my colon It's Now up to

further up my colon It's Now up to channel five

channel five

channel five and we all know how [ __ ] that is

and we all know how [ __ ] that is

and we all know how [ __ ] that is my next thought was to get a whole lot

my next thought was to get a whole lot

my next thought was to get a whole lot of high fiber food make me poo really

of high fiber food make me poo really

of high fiber food make me poo really solid and push the egg out through

solid and push the egg out through

solid and push the egg out through pressure very similar to an Augustus

pressure very similar to an Augustus

pressure very similar to an Augustus glute got stuck in the chocolate tube

glute got stuck in the chocolate tube

glute got stuck in the chocolate tube and Charlie and the Chocolate Factory

and Charlie and the Chocolate Factory

and Charlie and the Chocolate Factory I was working on Wonka method at the

I was working on Wonka method at the

I was working on Wonka method at the time I could have done with an Oompa

time I could have done with an Oompa

time I could have done with an Oompa Loompa with a Ponyo

now we have to get going so let's just

now we have to get going so let's just

now we have to get going so let's just jump forward to day number three

jump forward to day number three

jump forward to day number three I decided it was up my ass for another

I decided it was up my ass for another

I decided it was up my ass for another day's going to go to hospital my biggest

day's going to go to hospital my biggest

day's going to go to hospital my biggest fear was going to hospital in a foreign

fear was going to hospital in a foreign

fear was going to hospital in a foreign country with my accent and going you'll

country with my accent and going you'll

country with my accent and going you'll never guess what's happened to me right

never guess what's happened to me right

never guess what's happened to me right but being Holland there's a good chance

but being Holland there's a good chance

but being Holland there's a good chance he could go you have an egg up your ass

go join the queue with the other

go join the queue with the other

go join the queue with the other Australians

and dynamic three I had a Chinese dinner

and dynamic three I had a Chinese dinner

and dynamic three I had a Chinese dinner and I kept me chopsticks

now I've gone back to the hotel

now I've gone back to the hotel

now I've gone back to the hotel I've bent over and this moment I've

I've bent over and this moment I've

I've bent over and this moment I've thought to myself you probably should

thought to myself you probably should

thought to myself you probably should have gone to the Anne Frank Museum

I put one chopstick on top of the egg in

I put one chopstick on top of the egg in

I put one chopstick on top of the egg in a crowbarring fashion

a crowbarring fashion

a crowbarring fashion the other Chopstick I used to widen the

the other Chopstick I used to widen the

the other Chopstick I used to widen the hole

hole

hole in one motion I snapped this egg out of

in one motion I snapped this egg out of

in one motion I snapped this egg out of my ass

my ass

my ass followed by two feet of [ __ ]

it was at this moment I thought to

it was at this moment I thought to

it was at this moment I thought to myself

myself

myself should have done that in the bathroom

that's it we've got to get out of here

that's it we've got to get out of here

that's it we've got to get out of here okay

okay

okay um okay uh well thank you very much for

um okay uh well thank you very much for

um okay uh well thank you very much for coming ladies and gentlemen uh I believe

coming ladies and gentlemen uh I believe

coming ladies and gentlemen uh I believe that if you're on the guest list there's

that if you're on the guest list there's

that if you're on the guest list there's a bar downstairs or is that for everyone

a bar downstairs or is that for everyone

a bar downstairs or is that for everyone but well [ __ ] it you don't even be the

but well [ __ ] it you don't even be the

but well [ __ ] it you don't even be the guest we don't even have to go to the

guest we don't even have to go to the

guest we don't even have to go to the bar we can all just walk out as a unit

bar we can all just walk out as a unit

bar we can all just walk out as a unit and we can just [ __ ] terrorize some

and we can just [ __ ] terrorize some

and we can just [ __ ] terrorize some [ __ ] kids in the street who bother

[ __ ] kids in the street who bother

[ __ ] kids in the street who bother you at the station and go [ __ ] you

you at the station and go [ __ ] you

you at the station and go [ __ ] you little [ __ ] I've got a [ __ ] I got 300

little [ __ ] I've got a [ __ ] I got 300

little [ __ ] I've got a [ __ ] I got 300 middle-aged people come over here

I wanted to do [ __ ] and studs bro okay

I wanted to do [ __ ] and studs bro okay

I wanted to do [ __ ] and studs bro okay huh

huh

huh [Applause]

[Applause]

[Applause] okay I got this new Theory right every

okay I got this new Theory right every

okay I got this new Theory right every time a woman sleeps with a lot of men

time a woman sleeps with a lot of men

time a woman sleeps with a lot of men she's got a [ __ ] but if a man sleeps a

she's got a [ __ ] but if a man sleeps a

she's got a [ __ ] but if a man sleeps a lot of women he's called a stud and

lot of women he's called a stud and

lot of women he's called a stud and people have always said this is unfair

people have always said this is unfair

people have always said this is unfair right I'm here to tell you it's

right I'm here to tell you it's

right I'm here to tell you it's completely Fair

completely Fair

completely Fair I'll tell you why because it's [ __ ]

I'll tell you why because it's [ __ ]

I'll tell you why because it's [ __ ] easy to be a [ __ ] it's [ __ ] hard to

easy to be a [ __ ] it's [ __ ] hard to

easy to be a [ __ ] it's [ __ ] hard to be a stud

be a stud

be a stud right

right

right there are fat ugly [ __ ] out there there

there are fat ugly [ __ ] out there there

there are fat ugly [ __ ] out there there are no fat ugly studs

are no fat ugly studs

are no fat ugly studs I have met [ __ ] dwarfs I have never

I have met [ __ ] dwarfs I have never

I have met [ __ ] dwarfs I have never met a stud dwarf maybe in their own

met a stud dwarf maybe in their own

met a stud dwarf maybe in their own Community but none that have ever

Community but none that have ever

Community but none that have ever crossed over

crossed over

crossed over to be a stud you have to be good looking

to be a stud you have to be good looking

to be a stud you have to be good looking Charming a good liar with a fake job to

Charming a good liar with a fake job to

Charming a good liar with a fake job to be a [ __ ] you just have to be there

be a [ __ ] you just have to be there

be a [ __ ] you just have to be there I'll tell you story I need this girl

I'll tell you story I need this girl

I'll tell you story I need this girl I went out with her and her biggest

I went out with her and her biggest

I went out with her and her biggest claim to Flame was that she went

claim to Flame was that she went

claim to Flame was that she went backstage and [ __ ] an entire member of

backstage and [ __ ] an entire member of

backstage and [ __ ] an entire member of a very famous band there was like five

a very famous band there was like five

a very famous band there was like five of them and she [ __ ] all of them and I

of them and she [ __ ] all of them and I

of them and she [ __ ] all of them and I said why did you do that for it she goes

said why did you do that for it she goes

said why did you do that for it she goes well they're my favorite band so I let

well they're my favorite band so I let

well they're my favorite band so I let them

them

them that is the privilege of the [ __ ] right

that is the privilege of the [ __ ] right

that is the privilege of the [ __ ] right there

there

there I can't go backstage to the girls

I can't go backstage to the girls

I can't go backstage to the girls allowed concert

allowed concert

allowed concert [Applause]

[Applause]

[Applause] and go I love the last album

do what you want yeah

do what you want yeah

do what you want yeah except the Gingy one get me a [ __ ]

except the Gingy one get me a [ __ ]

except the Gingy one get me a [ __ ] beer

ladies and gentlemen

[Applause]