Original subtitles

NARRATOR: Coming tonight on Hill Street Blues...

Freeze! Police!

You do anything, she bites it! She bites it!

He called me into his office and stood up behind his desk,

naked from the waist down.

Are you continuing to maintain you had no knowledge

of officers using the Downtowner Lodge to sleep, play poker

and engage in sexual liaisons during working hours?

Correct.

Lou, I can only conclude that you turned your back on the whole situation.

Excuse me, Miss Davenport.

Could we-- Would you mind?

-Yes, of course. -Thank you very much.

Frank, I want you to meet Jon Gennaro.

Jon, Frank Furillo.

Street Dogs, Frank. Jon's new film.

I'm not gonna, uh, bore you with any long speeches.

Uh, I'll leave that to our guest of honor.

-(laughter) -Chief Daniels.

Sounds like somebody could have died in there. You better break it in.

All right, give me some room here.

-Ma'am. -Come on!

-Just-- -Stand back.

Oh, my God.

(chattering)

PHIL: Item nine,

which, for lack of a more suitable epithet,

we will merely refer to as the weather.

Extended forecasts, people, prepared in cooperation

with the National Weather Service.

High pressure system maintaining for the southeastern tier.

Relative humidity, 98.9 percent. Wind, negligible.

Overnight low, 82 degrees. Current at City Hall, 86 degrees.

Daytime high expected, 101 degrees.

(all groaning)

Loosely translated, my hearties,

those of you vacationing at Shoreside Condominiums this week

can look forward to at least three more days of chart-breaking sunshine.

Those of you involved in more civic pursuits

can expect a heat-related 30 percent rise in felonious assault,

25 percent rise in 2-11's,

particularly liquor and appliance store-wise.

A consequent 120 percent increase in public intoxication

and, most critically, people,

a domestic disturbance jump of a whopping 200 percent.

(groaning)

Item ten, in light of the continuing

and deplorable armed robberies

of local ice cream vendors this past month,

Detectives Belker and Goldblume will undertake

a second day of undercover assignment

as DeGaetano Ice Cream drivers.

Ice cream!

Nobody's gonna buy ice cream from Belker.

PHIL: Notwithstanding, plainclothes backup by Detectives Ruiz and Munster.

Now, let us all keep our various ears peeled

to any radio assistance requests.

Item 11. Come on, people! Last item!

A little forbearance.

A divisional memo regarding this evening's all-precinct,

forgive the expression, roast.

Commemorating Chief Daniels's 25th anniversary in the department...

(booing)

...to be held at 7:00 p.m. in the air-conditioned

Tahitian room of the Kubiak Lodge

and featuring on stage, I might add,

a good half dozen of law enforcement's most acerbic

and rapier-witted roast raconteurs...

(laughing)

...not the least of which being our own Captain Francis X. Furillo,

along with Lieutenants Calletano and Hunter.

Though tickets have been moving at an extremely brisk pace...

(laughing)

...be assured a good 80 percent of the best tables are yet available.

-(laughing) -A final cautionary note, people.

Let's learn a lesson from Officer William Ludwig,

who, as many of you know, took four inches of barbecue fork

in the right lung last night

while answering a domestic call on East Utica.

To paraphrase the venerable writer of Marlowe,

it's the kind of heat that makes every gin-mill wisecrack

a homicide stat.

It's the kind of heat

that makes even the meekest housewife

feel the edge of the bread knife as she eyes her husband's neck.

You see why I didn't get married, huh?

So, while all those about us are losing their cool,

let's endeavor, shall we, to keep ours.

All right. That's it. Let's roll.

And let's be careful out there.

-You know, you look great when you sweat. -Thank you very much.

7:30 in the morning, and I'm perspiring already.

Tell me something I haven't already smelled.

It ain't because of work.

-It's because I couldn't-- -Captain.

Overheated garbage truck in the Delaware Avenue underpass.

Thirty-four minutes, Leo, 34 minutes to go two blocks!

Neal, I'm not talking about some graveyard shift

rent-a-cop gig in Cleveland, you know.

I'm talking executive security management

of the third largest resort hotel in the Bahamas.

Man, look! Beaches, Neal.

Swimming pools.

More first-rate tropical booty than you can shake your snorkel at.

Look, babe, I know you went through a lot of trouble

lining up this interview for us,

but I guess I'm just kind of attached to this town, you know?

Oh! Hey, me, too! Hey, don't get me wrong.

Hell, I love junkies getting sick on my shoes twice a week.

I get off on transvestites, dried blood, people lunging at me with barbecue forks.

Oh, yeah. This town? Regular joy machine.

I can't take it no more! I can't take it!

I can't take it! I can't take it! I can't take it anymore!

-I can't take it! I can't take it! -The Bahamas, Neal.

WOMAN (on radio): Dispatch. We have a 9-11.

Armed robbery in progress.

See Surplus Store, corner People's Drive and 124th Street.

(sirens wailing)

(theme music playing)

"And when the chief came home and saw the car in the living room,

he asked his wife,

'How did you get the car in the living room?'

And she said, 'It was easy, Fletcher. I drove it through the kitchen.'"

Now, you tell me that's not funny!

Humor as a second language, Frank.

I've been trying to make our old amigo here understand

that it is probably the most semantically demanding genre of the English language.

(chuckles) Tito Puente, by way of the Catskills.

I suppose you can do better, Howard.

Oh, well, listen, I spent over three hours

last night trying to come up with one-liners.

I couldn't come up with enough to fill one index card.

Oh, courage, old sport. You're among friends.

How's this for openers?

Okay. "A lot of people have accused our chief

of being somewhat tight with a dollar.

This is patently untrue.

Why, just last week he gave his wife a necklace

that once belonged to Woolworth's."

Uh, yeah, well, and speaking of chokeholds...

JOE: That once belonged to a millionaire.

Excuse me, Joe?

It needs the extra beat, Captain.

He gave his wife a necklace that once belonged to a millionaire, Woolworth.

(laughs) I like that.

Good. Hey, Joe, you have any more of these?

Yeah. My cousin Vinnie used to do stand-up openers in Jersey for Vic Damone.

-Vic Damone? -Try this one on for size.

Talk about cheap.

Chief Daniels keeps $10 bills folded up in his pocket so long,

-Hamilton gets ingrown whiskers. -RAY: That's terrific!

He tears the December page off the calendar

at Christmastime to fool his kids.

He takes their glasses off when they're not looking at anything.

-Not so fast, Joseph, please! -I don't get that one.

-Well, he takes their glasses off-- -Captain! Sorry.

You're due at the Board of Rights hearing in 20 minutes.

Oh, thanks, Leo. Gentlemen, excuse me.

Joe, can I have a minute, please?

Uh, listen, you could really bail us out tonight, you know.

If you could work out a five-minute routine for the roast.

-I don't know, Captain. I've never real-- -Tickets are on me.

-Appreciate it. -Yo, Shecky!

We got a domestic situation down on Lynwood Avenue.

Oh, terrific. Hot weather domestic, night of my big debut.

I'm probably gonna end up getting shot in some two-bit tenement.

Better there than on stage, huh? Ooh, what's that?

Oh! It's a joke! It's a little joke!

(children chattering)

(radio chatter)

-JOE: Open up! This is the police! -Do you have a key for the door?

That nasty old fool installed his own dead bolt!

No key. It sounds like somebody's gonna die in there.

-You better break it in. -All right. Give me some room here.

-Ma'am. -Come on!

-Just-- -What's he gonna do?

-Step back! -(groans)

-Please, give me some room! -Oh, just get it--

Oh, my God!

Lordy, Lordy! Have you ever seen such a sight?

Joe! Joe, be careful, now.

She might be all deranged from the heat.

All right, big guy.

Why don't you just move back over here?

-Oh, we gotta get her outta here. -(cow moos)

Come on, pull her. Everybody back up. Come on. Back up! Back up! Come on.

Give us some air so we can get him outta here. Come on, come on.

You know, lady, there's zoning laws against this sort of thing.

Don't tell me, man! Tell him!

-Okay, freeze, pal, right there! -Don't shoot, mama! Don't shoot!

Hold it!

Hands up on the wall. On the wall. Spread 'em!

You believe this stuff, Joe?

Oh! A regular traveling slaughterhouse!

Hey, there's a brand on here from Schiffman Brothers Meats.

This is a hot cow.

I never saw that animal before in my life!

Look, you read him his rights.

I'm gonna bring this animal down to the unit and get a wagon.

Yeah, right. You have the right to remain silent.

-(chuckling) -What are you laughing at?

You're under arrest, pal!

That's right, and you're up five flights of stairs.

What is that supposed to mean?

There's a lot of things in this world you can get a cow to do.

You can get a cow to drink beer and sit on a brick.

You can get a cow to chase dogs with a bag over his head,

even go up five flights of stairs.

But there's one thing in this world

you ain't never, ever gonna get a cow to do.

-And what is that? -Go down five flights of stairs.

Ain't in their nature. Got no down genes! (laughing)

(moos)

MAN: This Board of Rights in the matter of Louis Hogan,

charged with six counts of official misconduct,

is once again in session.

Captains MacPherson of Midtown, Furillo of Hill Street

and Fuchs of Special Narcotics presiding.

Captain Hogan, just a few more questions.

Are you continuing to maintain, as you testified yesterday,

that for almost a year you had no knowledge

of officers of your Jefferson Heights Precinct

using room 313 of the Downtowner Lodge to coop,

i.e., to sleep, play poker and engage in sexual liaisons during working hours?

Correct.

Nor knowledge that certain vice officers

were receiving sexual favors from prostitutes?

-Correct. -Nor knowledge of drug disappearances

from the precinct evidence bin, nor police brutality complaints

finding their way into the circular file?

Correct. Not until you people in Internal Affairs

did your job and started uncovering it.

Our job? What about your job, Captain?

If I characterize the Jefferson Heights Precinct

during the last 11 months as a precinct gone wild,

a cowboy precinct, an open sewer, could you honestly dispute me?

Couldn't you smell it, Captain? Were you without a nose as well as blind?

I don't need any snot-nosed remarks about my sensory apparatus, Lieutenant!

I've earned four Medals of Merit in 21 years on this force,

-three citations for bravery-- -Lou, uh, please.

If I could refer back to a specific incident here,

the record shows that on June 6,

you received rumors that certain officers were cooping at the Downtowner Lodge.

What did you then do?

I turned it all over to one of my sergeants.

Sgt. Williams, I believe.

And were the officers involved referred to you for disciplinary action?

No.

-Were they transferred? -No.

Were they referred to Internal Affairs or demoted?

No.

Well, then, Lou, at some later date, did you get back to Sgt. Williams

to find out the disposition of the situation?

-No. Frank-- -FRANK: Lou.

Then what made you think that the situation had been taken care of?

Look, come on, Frank! You're a captain!

How can you run a precinct without trusting the guys under you?

They let me down. Is that my fault? I didn't handpick them.

Maybe they're dirty. I'm not!

From what you've said here, I can only conclude

that you turned your back on the whole situation.

LAWYER: Is that a question, Captain?

-If it is, I would-- -I was never dirty!

I've been an honest cop for 21 years, Frank.

MacPHERSON: Frank, we've been around this tree a half a dozen times!

All you're accusing him of is being a bad manager.

All right. So he's too easygoing. Okay.

But give him a decent bunch of guys

in a soft spot like Farmingdale and he'd do fine.

-You know he would! -He didn't get Farmingdale, Jerry,

he got the Heights.

-So? Luck of the draw. -Hey!

No one's claiming the man's a General MacArthur here, hmm?

Let me tell you something, Frank.

If I were sitting in Lou Hogan's chair, I'd be looking

over to my peers for the benefit of the doubt!

I'm giving him the benefit of the doubt.

The benefit of the doubt says

if he misses one or two, okay, but this record,

11 street cops, seven detectives,

one lieutenant and two sergeants have all been disciplined.

Jerry, you heard the testimony.

With all that cooping business,

he never once checked back with his sergeant.

Bottom line, he didn't know!

He should've known! It was his job to know!

It's not enough to hang a guy!

I'm not out to hang Lou!

He and I go back years.

But if we find him innocent,

we validate everything he's done or failed to do.

(sighs) Gentlemen, can we vote, please?

No. Just one more minute.

We're all captains here. We know how hard it is to be a captain.

If we say that Lou Hogan's not responsible

for all that mess over at Jefferson Heights,

whether he knew or not,

we diminish the authority of every one of us.

Lou Hogan would win, sort of, but you'd lose, Jerry,

and I'd lose, and so would Roger.

I'd lose? You speak for yourself, Frank. I'm not the Blue Angel over here.

-Oh, come on. -Let's vote. Hey, let's vote!

If you reject responsibility, you'll lose authority.

It's as simple as that.

The whole department's waiting for this decision.

Are captains ultimately responsible or aren't they?

Are we worth a damn or not?

Come on! It's 107 degrees in here. Let's get it over with.

-No, wait a minute. -No. Come on, Jerry!

Maybe we should talk about this a little bit longer.

You think we could send out for some more iced tea?

(MacPherson whispers) Iced tea!

(chattering)

The job is in the bag, Neal.

I'm gonna charm that interviewer's socks off.

-What's her name? -Fowler.

Yeah, Fowler. Well, I'm gonna charm Ms. Fowler's socks off.

-I've never been good in interviews, man. -Look at the bright side, huh?

She gives me the job, and then as director of resort security,

I appoint you my right-hand man.

I'm not sure it's the right move for me right now, babe, anyway.

(scoffs) Right move! Neal, my man.

You are a 36-year-old ex-jock with one bad knee,

a third-rate set of wheels and a dead-end career outlook.

-You tell me. -Thanks for the pep talk, boss!

(siren blaring)

The arrogance, 102 degrees!

The heat is rippling off the pavement. I'm moving my truck.

I see an express bus behind me. I pull over. I wave him by.

The driver waits until he's right next to me,

then he floors it and gives me a lethal dose of carbon monoxide.

I had to eat two almond crunch bars to get the taste out of my mouth.

You're a very sensitive man, Henry.

I'm going out there with a sign that says "rob me." I gotta get off the street.

-Toilet back up this morning, Belker? -(growling)

No wonder you people never had a homeland.

Just the heat, sport. Frays the old dendrons.

The entire metropolis is on edge.

Well, you look pretty collected, Lieutenant.

(chuckles)

Zen and the art of interior maintenance, Michael.

It's a little Oriental number I picked up in the Mekong during the Tet snafu of '69.

Those bloody geeks had us cut off from our S-routes for 28 days.

Draw a little circle in your cerebral cortex.

HOWARD: You got it?

Then you concentrate all of your pain in that slowly diminishing circumference.

Diminish, diminish,

diminish, dissolve.

It's all in the mind, guy.

-Waitress! -Yeah, honey?

I distinctly ordered this Salisbury steak medium rare.

I certainly don't call this medium rare.

Honey, you don't call anything medium rare.

Just look at this incinerated gruel! It's patently well done!

Uh-uh. Well done is black! That's, uh, pinkish-gray.

Keenly interested as I am in the opinion of coffee shop help, madam,

I must, nevertheless, insist

that you exchange this brûlée grotesque for one medium rare.

In addition to which, you will henceforth address me as Lieutenant.

Forget it, honey.

Take it back, you impertinent scullery maid!

-Take it back, I say! -Don't you bark at me, buster!

I've been serving you the same slop five days a week for four years running,

and the most you ever left me was a quarter!

Perhaps if you had executed your job properly,

-you would be compensated properly. -(overlapping chatter)

In Saudi Arabia, you would be physically maimed

for this sort of malfeasance!

You don't get squat from me, you two-bit Nazi!

That's it! That is it!

-Coley, arrest this woman! -(scoffs)

Lady, the lieutenant wants a Salisbury steak,

medium rare, that's all.

You think you can get him a Salisbury steak, medium rare? Keep the change.

-Lieutenant, let's get a little fresh air. -Judas Priest! Women's lib run amok!

I assume, after going through the literature,

you're aware of the scope of our operation?

Mm-hmm. Two 18-hole golf courses, tennis club,

80-slip marina, condominiums, hotel,

private beach facilities and two restaurants.

I'll tell you something,

I decided, I don't get the job, I'll just retire down there anyway.

I must say, Detective LaRue, these are most impressive credentials.

Two Medals of Valor, I see.

It's one of the more questionable fringe benefits

of stopping a bullet in the line of duty.

The department's answer to workmen's compensation.

If you don't mind my asking, is there any particular reason

you'd like to leave your present position?

(laughing) Excuse me, but you're asking me why,

after 12 years in one of the worst urban wastelands in this country,

I'd risk a substantial raise in salary to work in the Bahamas?

(laughing) Your point is well made.

Oh, I'm afraid our time is about up.

-How'd it go? -It's in the bag, my man. In the bag.

She thinks I'm the greatest thing since air-conditioning.

Neal Washington?

-Do you have any suggestions? -Uh, I--

Hey, why don't you just shoot him up

with some Nembutal and drag the dude down, huh?

Shoot him up? This is purebred, grade-A kosher beef, you junkie!

-(laughing) -Hey, Bates!

Brady downstairs tells us you got a little problem up here.

No, we got no problem. We're just loving spending the day with this cow inside.

Well, why don't you just drag it down the stairs?

Cows don't go down stairs. Got no down genes.

Bull!

Come on.

I said, come on.

Come on, man. You better listen to what I'm telling you, boy.

You listen-- Whoa!

I've had it, man! You're going down there!

Get downstairs!

Hey, look, seeing how the guy's gonna be hamburger anyway,

why don't you just butcher him up here and then backpack him on out?

For God's sake, this is an $1,800 kosher animal!

-(mooing) -That is really cold, Bobby!

-I got it! -What?

If this animal doesn't want to go down, we'll take him up.

-Up? -Up! On the roof.

I'll radio in for a copter, we'll put a body harness around him

and just lower him down to the street.

-A helicopter. -That's it.

Yo!

-What'll it be, gentlemen? -Two fudge bombs.

Two fudge bombs. Two fudge bombs.

Two fudge bombs. All right.

Could we, you know, pay you tomorrow?

My uncle say he's gonna give me five dollars tomorrow.

Go on! Get outta here!

Get 'em up, slick!

Your wallet, too.

I got no wallet. Just the change. Just don't shoot.

Freeze it! Police!

-(screaming) -You do anything, she bites it!

She bites it!

HENRY: Son?

I'm a police officer, too.

There's a lot of people around. A lot of people could get hurt.

So, just don't shoot. Just don't shoot now.

HENRY: Nobody wants to shoot. Let's talk about this.

How old are you, son? Son? You 16?

If you're 16, you can still get youthful offender treatment for this,

but that's just for the robbery.

More happens, you're running the risk of escalating

this sucker way, way past anybody can help you, son.

-So, how old are you? Okay. -Fifteen.

Now...

you gonna let me help you on this?

HENRY: You gonna let me be your lawyer?

I'm telling you.

Now, you lay that gun down now

and leave the kid go, kid didn't do anything.

You do that,

and we'll get you the best deal on YO.

What do you say, son?

Otherwise, there could be a lot of people dead,

and you're gonna be one of them, son.

Just lay it.

Come here, doll.

Spread 'em!

All right. All right.

Okay, who wants a free ice cream?

The panel will now announce its verdict in the matter of Louis Hogan.

(coughs)

MacPHERSON: This Board of Rights, with Captain MacPherson dissenting,

finds as follows as to the charges

of official misconduct against Captain Hogan.

As to the first count, guilty.

As to the second count, guilty.

As to the third count, guilty.

As to the fourth count, guilty. As to the fifth count, guilty.

As to the sixth count, guilty.

This hearing is recessed until Monday morning at 9:30,

at which time a hearing of penalty will commence.

REPORTER: Back with our pregame show after this live report.

-This is Cynthia Cox. -Hey, look who's on TV!

...with a story that gives new meaning

to that old police catch phrase "domestic beef."

It's Renko! Hey, it's Renko on the news flash.

...driving southbound on Central and--

Well, Mr. Stephens? Why don't you just tell us what happened?

Well, uh, I was driving like that, see?

And all of a sudden, right out of the sky-- Damn!

Officer Renko of Hill Street station, maybe you could fill us in.

Am I on? Ah.

Well, uh, the subject was your basic Hereford type cow.

And he was up on the roof over there.

And we were attempting to lift him off with a police helicopter.

And everything was going pretty good until, all of a sudden,

the copter just started to kind of buck and sway,

and then the cow started to mooing.

And then, after that, the harness just kinda snapped

like some telephone wire or something like that.

The cow just started to fall, and it was just mooing

when he hit the hood of Mr. Stephens's Buick over there,

which veered away from the intersection

in the direction of the Hard Rock Cafe there, spun around three times.

And I believe there's a great deal of damage been done to that vehicle.

And for that we apologize.

The department does apologize for that action on our part.

-Thank you, Cynthia. -That's it from here, Doug.

-Now, back to you. -That's a lot of barbecue.

You know, Renko handles himself pretty well on camera.

In the business, we call that presence.

-Oh, yeah, sure. Sure. I understand. -Thank you.

Yeah. Thanks.

-I don't believe it. I didn't get it. -What?

I didn't get the job.

Hey, I'm real sorry, babe, but I gotta tell you, man,

I wasn't so hot about the idea to begin with.

What was she looking for, Melvin Purvis?

I had every qualification. She should've been grate--

She should've been grateful that I took time out to apply for the damn job!

Washington, for you!

Geez.

Yeah?

-Good work out there, Henry. -Mm.

You know, Frank,

all day long kids would come up to me, kids Josh's age.

They'd ask to go a quarter light. They'd go two or three on a cone.

I mean, you know, you just wish you could--

It'd be nice if they could afford ice cream.

Mm-hmm. Yeah, thanks.

-(sighs) -Hey. Hey, hey. Come on.

We're a couple of street cops, huh? What do we know?

She offered me the job, J.D.

You got deputy? Hey, congratulations. Come on, man. I mean it.

No sour grapes from this end.

-She offered me head of security. -Hey, head of se--

My job?

She said I fit their job profile.

Hey, hey. What's the difference, lover?

I'll just bring you in as my deputy. They say no, I won't take the job.

No. No. No way! Not me.

Can you see me as a deputy?

I am a detective on a first-rate metropolitan police force, pal.

-I'm top dollar. -Hey, wait a minute, brother!

The job was good enough for you to give to me,

so how come it suddenly ain't good enough for you, huh?

It's not that way at all, Neal. I mean, it's--

-It wouldn't be right for me. -Yeah! Gotcha, bro!

Hey! Hey, you wait a minute now.

Who was it, just a minute ago, said he wasn't so hot on the idea?

Now, all of a sudden, you're bent outta shape

'cause I don't think second banana's worth leaving home for either?

That's your damn problem, J.D.! You don't think about a lot of things!

(grunts, groans)

Rough day on the stakeout, huh, Mick?

No, Lieutenant, it was a piece of cake.

The radiator on that stinking milk wagon blew up on me,

and I spent the whole afternoon banging the engine block.

You ever have an oil pan bust on top of you, Lieutenant?

-(phone rings) -What?

Hi, Ma.

No, nothing's wrong.

I'm fine, Ma.

I'm fine, Ma!

I can't talk to you right now, Ma.

I'm in the middle of booking a major murder suspect.

I'm gonna have to call you back.

What dinner?

Tonight?

Well, of course I remember what day it is, Ma! It's--

It's your birthday.

Don't be silly, Ma. How could I forget your birthday?

Well, I love you the same amount, Ma.

I'm gonna call you back later. Bye.

(groans)

Stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid,

stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid,

stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid,

stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid,

stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid.

Excuse me, Miss Davenport.

Could we-- Would you mind?

-Yes, of course. -Thank you very much.

-I got a serious problem. -Legal?

No. I forgot it's my mother's birthday today.

I haven't gotten her a present yet, and I'm supposed to be there at 6:30.

I'm sure she'll understand if you give her a present tomorrow.

She won't understand, Miss Davenport. You don't know my mother.

-What did you have in mind? -Suicide.

(chuckles)

I always get her jewelry. It's like a tradition.

But look, all the jewelry stores are closed now.

I thought maybe you could tell me what I should get her.

-How about some roses? -No, she's allergic.

-Candy. -Oh! She'd kill me.

She's got a small weight problem.

(sighs)

Do you think she'd like this?

Sure, she'd like it. It's very gorgeous.

Take it. I'll replace it and give you the receipt.

-No, I can't do that. -Why not?

I don't know. I just can't do that.

Detective, it'll be just like buying it yourself.

You'll reimburse me for the cost of the replacement.

Really, it's fine.

Oh! Oh, I don't know what to say.

Don't... don't say anything.

Miss Davenport, you're as far from a dirtbag as they come.

Thank you.

Hello, Counselor. Hot enough for y--

-What's wrong? -Nothing.

I'm sure I'm fine.

Frank?

Do you, uh...

Do you think these clothes will be all right for the roast tonight?

Sure.

Because I won't have time to go home and change.

I'm going to go and wash my hands for a little while.

Frank!

You really did it to me! You hung me out in there!

You gonna terminate me now? You might as well.

That three-month mandatory suspension's the same thing as terminating me!

Either way, you've destroyed my career. Now, isn't that the truth?

-Lou-- -You know it's the truth! I'm finished!

Lou, I can't talk to you about this now. I simply can't!

(door closes)

So I hustled into an alley, grabbed a hunk of two-by-four out of a Dumpster.

Then I waited for him by the mouth of the alley.

-So, I laid that two-by-four across his... -J.D.!

-What? Hm? -Did you see who that was with the chief?

-Jon Gennaro. -Yeah?

Hey, what's a movie star doing up here in Slimeville?

Frank, I want you to meet Jon Gennaro.

Jon, Frank Furillo, the best damned precinct captain I've got.

-How are you? -Captain, I appreciate your letting me

come and hang out with your guys.

-Hang out? -Street Dogs, Frank. Jon's new film.

Or is vehicle the word?

Vehicles are movies the stars make. I'm part of a team.

Jon's team starts principal photography here on the Hill in a few months, Frank.

We've promised whatever logistical and technical support he might need,

but right now Jon wants to spend some time learning the ropes.

Right, but no special treatment. I just want to take it all in.

I thought we could send Jon on some drive-alongs,

maybe put him with plainclothes, do a stakeout, whatever he wants.

Excuse me. J.D.?

(clears throat) Detective LaRue, meet Jon G--

Jon Gennaro.

Hey, nice to meet you.

J.D., would you mind showing Jon around the precinct?

He's going to be spending a little time with us.

Introduce him to people, answer any questions he might have.

Sure, sure, Captain. Come on, Jon. You're gonna love this place.

Thank you, Captain.

-You're not serious. -We have no choice, Frank.

-This one's direct from the mayor. -Oh, great.

I'm supposed to babysit some movie star who wants to play cops and robbers.

Frank, what can I say?

This is the first Hollywood production this city has attracted in over a decade.

That company's gonna dump something like $5 million into this city's economy.

An economy, I might add,

which last year avoided bankruptcy by a purple you-know-what.

Cheer up, Frank! You'll be doing liaison with Katy Bambridge.

-What's a Katy Bambridge? -Our film board representative.

She's bright, she's young. A real comer.

His Honor appointed her last month.

She'll be in tomorrow to clear up any questions you may have.

In the meantime,

I want you to make sure Gennaro gets all the education he wants.

Oh, and, Frank,

let's make damn sure he doesn't get his hair mussed. Capisce?

-I want to swear out a warrant! -I was just leaving. Ciao, Frank.

Nice to see you again, Fay.

The nerve of that disgusting filth!

You listen to me, Fay!

You can't just keep barging in here every time--

Well, excuse me, mister, but I thought I had the same rights

to police protection as every other citizen!

All right. I'm listening. What's the problem?

-My problem is George Bruckner! -Your boss?

Ex-boss. I quit!

How could you just walk away from such a good job?

Well, I figured I didn't have much of a choice

when he called me into his office and stood up

behind his desk, naked from the waist down!

Did he touch you or assault you or prevent you from leaving the office?

-No! -Then it's not police business.

If you feel you've been sexually harassed,

then file a complaint with the Labor Relations Board.

Well, thank you very much for your support!

Fay, I've had it up to here with you!

I have a precinct on the verge of meltdown,

and you come blowing in here with your two-bit problems.

Today, it's some flasher.

I'm working here, Fay.

I wouldn't tolerate these disruptions if we were still married.

I'm sure as hell not gonna tolerate them now that we're not!

Well, I have noticed that she's here every day,

but then I suppose that's different!

Yes, it is.

She's here conducting legitimate business

and she does not prevent me from conducting mine!

Fay, listen to me.

I love you and I'm concerned for your welfare,

but I'm not your husband anymore and I'm not your father.

And I think it's time you took control of your own life.

You're right. I know it!

But, Frank, I don't know how!

My whole life is a mess, Frank.

Do you think I enjoy coming up here all the time?

Don't you think I know what I must look like to you?

But I can't help it because I'm scared, Frank.

I don't know how to start putting it all back together.

I don't either. Maybe a shrink.

Where am I gonna get the money for that?

Fay, if you really want to turn things around, I'm sure you'll find a way.

You can do it, Fay. I know you can.

Okay?

Okay.

I'm gonna leave now.

Who knows when we'll see each other again?

Oh, my purse.

See you.

Bye, Fay.

As a medieval roaster would've put it,

uh, and I might add, in medieval days,

getting roasted could be a very serious matter.

-(scattered chuckling) -If you take my thrust.

-(rim shot) -(clears throat)

Or on a more contemporary vein, uh,

Chief,

commemorating your 25th anniversary with the department,

I can't help but recall the memorable words

of Lord Thomas Erskine

regarding the fields of Waterloo.

(snickering)

Lord Er-- (laughing)

Sorry.

HOWARD: Uh, Lord-- (laughing)

Uh-- (squeals)

Just-- Oh, Judas. You read it.

(laughter)

Well, I'm sure whatever Lord Thomas said, it was a real gut buster.

(rim shot)

Now, next up, one of your own rank and file,

a representative of the Hill, your basic street cop.

Let's hear it for Joe Coffey!

-(applause) -(band plays)

(wolf whistle)

You know...

Uh... (clears throat)

Uh...

(audience chuckling)

(chuckling)

A couple years on the Hill will do that to you.

-(audience laughs) -It's okay, Joe.

Well, we're here tonight to pay tribute

to the chief of our Metropolitan Police Force,

and I guess I know him as well as any of you.

Uh, what can I tell you about old Spunky Daniels?

(laughing)

Rumor has it that, uh, he's pretty tight with a dollar.

Well, I'm here to tell you that is categorically untrue.

Why, just last month he gave his lovely wife

a necklace that used to belong to a millionaire,

-Woolworth. -(laughing)

As a family man, he is above reproach.

His lovely wife, Ann, can't forget the first time they ever met,

but she's trying.

-(rim shot) -(laughing)

Um, I'm not gonna bore you with any long speeches.

Uh, I'll leave that to our guest of honor, Chief Daniels.

-(band plays) -(applause)

MAN: That was great! Thank you, Captain.

He could make a lot of big-name comedians take a backseat, if he drove a cab.

Anyway, speaking of the guest of honor--

Excuse me. Excuse me.

Hi.

I'm Lou Hogan, Captain, Jefferson Heights.

I'm not exactly on the agenda tonight,

but I couldn't pass up the opportunity

to be part of all this.

Funny thing happened to me on the way to the roast.

My best friends shafted me in a Board of Rights.

I just want everybody to know I understand.

I guess I just stayed around too long.

Funny. You want jokes.

Jokes it'll be.

How many cops does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

None. Cops aren't afraid of the dark.

(light chuckling)

Have you heard the one about the priest and the mugger?

Here's the best one.

How many precinct captains do you gotta sacrifice

to clean up a dirty department's rep?

One.

And you're looking at him.

Hell, you guys already knew that one.

Mort Sanders, Preston Heights. What do you say, buddy?

Heard you had your house painted last month courtesy of the department.

Probably the same cops

who drive your dad to the track every Friday.

Hey! But you're a hero.

Bob Blaine,

fire-eater from Richmond Avenue.

Best-dressed vice cops in town over there.

Condos at the shore.

Frank Furillo, Hill Street.

Mr. Clean.

I suppose you don't know

you got a detective who puts the squeeze

to 15-year-old prostitutes,

uniforms dealing in hot goods.

Hey, get away from me!

I'm gonna have my chance to talk.

I think you're all a great bunch of people.

I do.

I wish you all the happiness and success in the world.

But just let's remember who made it all possible.

Lou Hogan!

How do you know he was telling the truth?

He was right about Mort Sanders.

The department painted his house last month.

A different kind of thing.

Lou Hogan was drunk, Frank. Bitter, hurt and drunk.

Lou Hogan does not have the imagination to say it was a 15-year-old

if there weren't a 15-year-old.

He has a name.

You know, Captain Clean, you can't be responsible for every teensy little thing

that goes on in your precinct.

Oh, no? That seems to be the territory I staked out for myself today.

I'll call him in the morning.

-Will he talk to you? -I'll make him talk to me.

Ooh, that's cold!

You know, you were the funniest flatfoot at the roast.

-(chuckling) -Yeah?

-Mm-hmm. -But am I as good-looking as Jon Gennaro?

-Who's Jon Gennaro? -Oh, good. I didn't know either.

Some movie star who's gonna be filming up on the Hill.

(sighs) We're getting older, pizza man.

We don't even know who the movie stars are anymore.

-No, not older. Better. -Mm.

(phone rings)

(groans) Hello?

Mm. For you.

(whispers) What is it?

-Furillo. -(giggling)

Wait.

Yeah.

Thanks, Ray.

What?

Lou Hogan went home and put a gun in his mouth.

He's dead.

(closing theme playing)