Original subtitles

- stupid weddings.

- here they are! Aren't they beau--

Ray!

I left you up here An hour ago.

I showered, did my hair,

Got the kids up, Got them dressed.

Kids, go downstairs. Mommy's yelling.

And you can't even Do yourself?

- what? I'm ready.

- everyone is waiting For you.

Oh, look at this.

Look, this goes on After the pants, einstein.

Here, get--

Do you realize That it is a--

It's a three-hour drive To pennsylvania.

Amy is waiting for me.

Robert is a nervous wreck. I mean, come on.

- hey, hey, hey, hey, Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!

You might be a little too angry To do the zipper.

- what have you been doing?

- I got the speech--

The fricking toast thing I got to do.

- would you stop obsessing About the toast?

Just say something Funny and heartfelt.

Nobody cares.

- where is he?

- he's still in there.

- what are you doing?

- what? I'm coming.

- would you hurry?

Ma's already yelling at dad, Because he dripped

Egg and cheese sandwich On his tux.

Just get in the van!

This is the biggest day Of my life.

- that's what you said At your last wedding.

- what's that, A smart remark?

- no. - huh?

You're bringing up My first marriage today, huh?

You trying to jinx me, raymond?

- no. No.

- don't mess with me today, Raymond, okay?

- I'm just-- - do not mess with me today!

This is my wedding day, And I'm in no mood for fun!

- then you're gonna Love marriage.

- [breathing heavily]

[knock on door]

- robbie?

- ma, this is the men's room.

- raymond told me You were in here.

What are you doing?

- nothing, ma.

I just wanted a little Alone time before the ceremony.

- oh, okay.

I'll stay with you.

Can we go somewhere else?

- no, ma, I want To stay in here.

Remember last time I got married,

I saw joanne Before the wedding?

I think that put the whammy On the whole marriage.

- oh, honey.

The problem there was, You saw her after the wedding.

- all right, Out, mom.

- no, but-- - no, come on.

You already got gianni Looking for a fire hydrant.

Come on.

Look, look, look, You want to help?

See if you can find The reverend guy, okay?

He'll be the one With the big book.

- yeah, but I need to talk to-- - no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

- whoa, thanks, man.

- yeah, always happy To do that.

So how you doing?

You fast, you loose, You throwing up?

- I'm fine.

You know, just wanted A little alone time, that's all.

- yeah. Let me ask you something.

Now that you and amy Are getting married,

What's the one "Special thing"

That you two have

That a group of people Would want to hear about?

- you've got nothing For the toast.

- I got plenty.

What do you got?

- oh!

Great. You're both here.

- yeah.

- how's it going?

- fine, peter.

What is it?

- well, nothing.

I just wanted to see you two Before blastoff and everything.

What do you think About the tux?

I rented it. [clears throat]

- yeah, that's a good fit. - thank you.

Guys, look, this is Really hard for me.

Um, I've had some issues

With this whole Marriage agenda,

But I've had some time To reflect,

And I realize that I may have been a wiener.

- no, that's okay, peter.

- no, it's not okay.

We're gonna be family,

And I just--I want to be able To call you guys--

Both of you,

Brother-man.

- all right.

All right. Okay.

- [sobbing] Welcome to our lives.

- okay. [chuckles]

- it's all right. Thank you.

Thank you, peter. - well, thank you.

And now I shall Take my leave.

Have a great day.

- that psycho's Gonna pull some crap.

Right? - yup.

- now, listen.

You got to stick With him, raymond.

Go. Go now. You got to follow him.

- I don't want to be--

- no, no, listen, listen, Just do it.

He's gonna Wreck the wedding.

That guy has squirrels Juggling knives in his head.

- no, wait, wait, Wait, wait, wait, wait.

Before I go, one thing funny And then heartfelt.

- go!

- look out.

I got egg and cheese sandwich On my crotch.

- oh, great. Great!

- what's your problem?

- nothing. Nothing, dad.

How are you today?

- none too happy.

I just found out It's gonna be a cash bar.

And the scuttlebutt is, The food will be skimpy.

- yeah, and of course, The only reason

Why you're here today

Is so you can Stuff your face.

- I enjoy life.

So anyway, no offense, But the party's gonna blow.

- well, I think it's nice That the macdougalls

Have offered to help me and amy Pay for the wedding at all.

- you saying I should've Chipped in?

- no. [stammers]

- I chipped in Your last wedding

And ray's wedding.

And by the way,

The broad's family Is supposed to pay,

And it is to be A full bar

Free of charge

With top-shelf hooch.

Read your bible.

- must've missed that passage.

- you got some nerve complaining I haven't given enough.

Need I remind you Of 40 years of room

And enormous amounts of board?

- look, dad, dad, I'm sorry, okay?

I'm just a little, You know--

I want it to go well today,

So I apologize.

I appreciate everything,

And you're a sensational father.

- well, you know, I apologize too.

I guess everyone's Kind of on edge today,

But you'll be okay.

You're used to this Type of thing,

Being a cop, Seeing murders, and whatnot.

- thanks.

I feel better.

- good.

Let's hope you Picked a winner this time.

[indistinct chatter]

- hey.

- hey, ray. All: hi, ray.

- hi. Hi.

So how's my groom?

- he's, you know, stoked.

- aw.

- so how's it going in here?

- going great.

Doesn't amy look beautiful? - yeah.

I don't know when I have been so excited.

It's so romantic. Everybody's crying.

- that's what it's all about. - yeah.

You look so handsome.

Oh, I am just gonna Dance with you all day.

- yeah?

Somebody's been popping The champagne already?

- no! No, it's just--

Come on!

It's a wedding. Get into it.

You know, the romance, The love that's all around us.

Can't you suck it up For one day?

- I'm into it. I'm sucking.

- you're dancing With me today, jerkwad.

- you haven't called me that Since our wedding.

- amy, where's your mom?

- oh, she's running around

Like a headless chicken Making sure...

[imitating mother] All the relatives

Are comfortable And are seated properly.

[all laugh]

Oh, dear, tiny aunt florence.

Can you see from there?

Would you like a cushion Or a phone book?

[all laugh]

[normal voice] Hi, mom!

- hello.

- I'm sorry, mother.

You know I was Just fooling around.

- oh, I know, honey. That never bothers me.

And you're so good at it.

And you look So beautiful today, and--

[sobbing]

- what? What?

- I'm sorry.

I guess I pictured My little girl's wedding

A certain way.

I used to worry About telling you

What to expect--

You know, On your wedding night?

But you and robert Have already--

- mother, please!

- I'm sorry.

You're right, sweetie.

I know it's a different world.

All fun all the time.

But look at you.

You're like an angel Dropped from heaven,

And you've always been that For me and your father.

- thanks, mom.

- I'd better go.

That phone book for Aunt florence is a good idea.

Oh, my, we're supposed To get started in five minutes,

And I haven't seen Reverend stevens yet.

Peter?

- yes, mama?

- honey, you picked up Reverend stevens this morning,

Didn't you?

- why, yes, of course, I did, mama.

I have no idea where that rascal Could've gotten to,

But I'm on it.

- did peter come in here?

- yeah, he's in there.

- peter?

Come on, peter, I know you're in there.

- I'm very busy.

- what's going on?

- he was supposed To pick up the reverend guy,

And nobody can find him.

- peter, come out there Right now!

- let's go! - I can see you!

- what did you do to him?

- ah, reverend stevens.

- somebody was supposed To pick me up.

I had to hitchhike.

Let's get this over with.

- well, gee, Who did I pick up, then?

[scoffs]

[knocking at door]

- peter? Are you in there, peter?

- yes, mama, I am. Come on in.

- oh, hello.

Peter, we found Reverend stevens.

You can stop looking.

- oh, thank goodness.

- everything all right In here?

- yes, everything's fine, mama.

Everything's great.

Hey, I think It's wedding time,

Isn't it?

Places, everyone.

Oh, good luck out there.

["Here comes the bride" playing]

[processional organ music]

- good morning.

All: good morning.

- we are gathered here today In the sight of god

To join together in marriage

Robert charles barone

And amy louise macdougall.

If there is anyone here Who knows any reason

Why these two people should not Be joined in holy matrimony,

Let them speak now Or forever hold their peace.

We will begin this morning--

- excuse me.

I need to say something.

- pardon me? What was that?

- I'm sorry, but I feel the need To say something.

- ma!

- did you bring your gun?

What do you do now?

- I don't know. This never happened before.

Well, I guess, speak now.

- well, I wanted to speak To robbie before the ceremony,

But he didn't Give me a chance

When we were In the bathroom together.

- did she do this to you?

- honey, this is Only the beginning.

- I'm just so worried

That robbie might Only be getting married today

Because of me.

- ma, what are you Talking about?

- I may have pressured you Into getting married

And you weren't ready yet.

And I need to do What's best for my son, don't I?

- could it not be today?

- I'm sorry.

You know I never Like to interfere.

But I pushed you Because I was so worried

That you'd wind up with nobody,

And even though This is wonderful and--

And I'm thrilled To be here

And I love amy--

Hi, amy--

But it all Happened so fast,

I'm not sure how amy's family Feels about you.

- ma, this is none Of your business.

- how could you say that?

Of course it's my business.

You're my son. You're my business.

- do you realize That you have ruined

Every single event I've ever had in my life?

- what are you getting So upset about?

We're just talking.

- the elementary school play?

You tried to put Different pants on me.

- you got yours dirty.

Any mother Would've done the same.

- not while I was onstage!

Huh?

You don't see A pattern here?

- a pattern of love.

I mean, for years, I kept thinking,

If only I had spoken up At your first wedding

To that terrible dancer.

And as I recall--

As I recall,

You were fine With me interfering

When you needed someone to throw That hussy out of the house.

Not that that would Ever happen here, dear.

All I'm saying is,

I love you, And I love amy,

And I just want to make sure

That you're marrying today For love and only for love,

Because that's the only way A marriage can stay together.

Isn't that right, frank?

- I don't know Who you are, lady.

- robbie, I said What I had to say,

And it came from love.

Now you do what you want.

This is your life.

I feel better now.

Go ahead, reverend.

- okay, we're back.

- all right!

And now, here they are, Ladies and gentlemen,

For the first time anywhere,

Robert and amy barone!

[applause]

[jazzy wedding march playing]

All right, and now, Ladies and gentlemen,

The buffet is open.

- hi!

- hi! - hi.

- so...

Feel different?

- yeah.

- life is good.

- yes.

You're married.

You two looked beautiful Up there,

And...You've got Your health.

- oh, hello!

Oh, I thought The ceremony was beautiful.

Didn't you, robbie?

- I'll never forget it.

- I am so happy.

And you know what?

I'm actually starving.

I forgot to eat today, What with all I had to do.

I'll catch up With you later.

- hey, can I have A beer?

- sure.

That's $3, sir.

- jeezaloo!

Hey, look. Tell you what.

I think I left My wallet at home

When I changed Into the monkey suit.

Could you Let one slide?

- I'm sorry, sir. I'm not allowed.

- aw, come on. Come on.

Listen, pal, I don't care What the rules are

At this stinking Hump of a wedding.

I am the father Of the gigantic groom...

And I want beer now.

Beer now, beer now!

- here.

Please, let me.

- uh, that's okay.

- no, frank, please. It's my pleasure.

- well, uh, Thanks there, hank.

- sure.

You know, I'm sorry That our two families

Seem to have gotten off on such A wrong...What's the word?

Foot.

I mean, I like to think That I'm a nice fella,

And I was always taught To find the good in people,

And I would like to In you, frank.

- well, I think you are A nice fella, hank.

But I got to tell you,

You're not gonna find Much good in people

When they drive All the way to pennsylvania

For a big, long wedding

And you screw them On the booze.

- well.

- "Well"?

That's all you got?

"Well"?

- yes, because "Well"

Is what one says When one is shocked

But not Particularly surprised

By someone's Boorish behavior.

Well.

- [laughs]

That is so fricking sad.

- oh, yes, frank, That's sad?

Well, I want My money back.

Now who's sad?

Oh, mr. Bartender,

Don't give this man Any alcohol.

He seems to have had More than enough

Over the course Of his life.

- I'm a veteran!

- a veteran Of the bad manners army.

- take a hike, boy scout!

- I'll take a hike when...

- hey, hey, hey, Hold it!

Back it up, calm it down,

And take a look at all The people at the wedding.

- this phony holy man And his liquor gouging

Have ruined An otherwise happy occasion.

So long, cheapskate.

- he gets emotional At weddings.

- marie, I need To say something.

- I know. Can you believe this food?

- marie, we're leaving. Drop the meat.

- what? We can't leave.

I'm the mother Of the groom.

No matter how horrible The food is,

I have to stay.

- hello.

- oh, pat, What a wonderful spread.

- thank you, marie,

But perhaps Frank is right.

Perhaps you should go.

- what?

- you know, this wedding, Whether we like it or not,

Was for amy and robert,

And you shouldn't have Intruded

On their moment of happiness In the chapel.

- I was doing it for them.

- oh, marie, I think maybe You were doing it for you,

And you were So busy thinking

About what you needed To express,

You weren't thinking About anyone else,

Including your son.

I think that's called Narcissism.

- all right.

All right, That's enough.

Can I speak to you in private, Please, mrs. Macdougall?

Nobody's ever Said that to her before.

You're cool.

- thank you, ray, But I don't feel cool.

I feel like I just contributed

To the whole tone Of the wedding,

Which is bad.

It's ruined,

And that's the last thing I wanted to do

For my daughter And her new husband.

- why do I talk to people?

Listen-- - okay, everybody.

It's time for the toast From the best man.

Let's give a big Barone-macdougall welcome

To little brother raymond.

Come on, everybody, Bring him up here!

[applause]

- hey.

Uh...

[clears throat]

Well, I got to be honest.

I didn't know What I was gonna say today.

Uh...

I wanted to do A nice toast,

But everybody Does a nice toast.

But I wanted it To be special,

'cause it's a special day For my brother, robert,

And his new wife, amy.

So, uh...

I didn't know What I was gonna say.

But then sometimes material

Presents itself.

Like today, for example--

A lot to talk about.

But I think I can Put a good spin on it.

I think, uh...

I think there's one thing That can make it all better:

Editing.

Yes, I think there's a portion Of today's ceremony

That we won't need to save On the videotape.

Editing.

You know, robert and I,

When we remember Our childhood,

We kind of use That technology

In our heads.

You know, we only remember The good stuff,

Like the food.

Yeah, we don't remember When mom would yell at dad

Not to scratch his rear end With a spatula...

[laughter]

In the bakery.

Editing.

Yeah, you know,

Anybody who knows Our family

Probably wasn't surprised By what happened today.

I mean, amy knew What she was getting into

When she married Into this family,

And that's why I got her A wedding gift

I know she can use:

Cyanide.

Yeah.

And by the way, Robert,

If you think It was annoying today

When mom interrupted The ceremony,

Wait till she interrupts Tonight, yeah.

Yeah, "I got to say, robert,

I don't think You're doing that correctly."

She's involved, our mom.

I liked it today When my mom said,

"I'm a mother.

You are my business."

You know What we're waiting for, ma?

Your "Going out Of business" sale.

But I think amy understands

That that's What marriage is about.

I mean, she's not only Getting a husband;

She's getting An entire mental hospital.

My wife, deb, Likes that, right?

That's my wife over there,

The drunk one.

Yeah.

I'm just playing.

She couldn't be drunk here

Unless she took out a loan For a whiskey sour.

I want to thank amy's family-- Hank and pat--

For throwing A wonderful party.

They really know How to throw one, yeah.

Yeah, you know--

You know, if you wanted My mom to be speechless,

You should've shown her The buffet before the ceremony.

But I kid.

I kid the macdougalls.

We get along great with them,

Especially with peter,

Who, by the way, ladies, Is still single.

Yeah.

Still single.

But, you know, I'm sure there's Somebody for him out there,

And she'd better be Really out there.

Yeah. Yeah.

And, you know, One more thing

About the editing.

I, uh...

I think you're gonna remember About today

What you want to remember.

You know, I guess our brains Are good like that.

Like, I remember my wedding day

As the day That I got to kiss

The most beautiful girl In the world.

Yeah.

And I think she remembers it.

At least, I hope she does.

It was a good day,

The start of a lot Of good memories.

We completely blotted out The part

Where mom was hanging on To my pants leg,

Yelling, "Don't go!

Don't go!"

Yeah, we didn't save Those pictures,

Just the good ones,

Just the good ones.

So here's To my brother, robert,

And the best thing That ever happened to him--

My new sister, amy.

You'll keep the good ones.

[cheers]

[applause]

- oh!

- ladies and gentlemen, It is now time

For robert and amy's first dance As husband and wife

To a song they chose

Especially For the occasion.

[elvis presley's "A little less Conversation" playing]

- [singing] A little less conversation

A little more action, please

All this aggravation Ain't satisfactioning me

A little more bite, A little less bark

A little less fight And a little more spark

Close your mouth And open up your heart

And, baby, satisfy me

Satisfy me, baby

Baby, close your eyes And listen to the music

Drifting through The summer breeze

It's a groovy night, And I can show you how to use it

Come along with me And put your mind at ease

A little less conversation

A little more action, please

All this aggravation Ain't satisfactioning me

A little more bite, A little less bark

A little less fight And a little more spark

Close your mouth And open up your heart

And, baby, satisfy me - satisfy me

- satisfy me, baby - satisfy me

- come on, baby, I'm tired of talkin'

Grab your coat And let's start walkin'

Come on, come on - come on, come on