Original subtitles

- I got to tell you, ray,

This is the worst bachelor party I've ever been to.

- I'm enjoying it.

- come on.

It's his last chance for fun Before he moves out

And becomes mr. Amy macdougall.

Besides, What are you complaining about?

You've won every hand.

- it's three people. I'm up 35¢.

- how many you want?

- three.

[knock at door]

- all right...

What'd you guys do?

Who's this gonna be?

Hector?

- I need to show a guy The apartment.

- yeah, but, hector,

I'm right in the middle Of my bachelor party.

- we'll just be one second.

This is the living room, And here is the kitchen.

The bedroom's back there.

Don't worry, I have a chemical

That will completely Take care of the smell.

- I'm kinda looking For something a little bigger.

- bigger? No, no, no.

He's lived here For four years,

And he's muy grande.

- that's okay.

Sorry to bother you guys.

- all right, So where were we?

Hector.

Hector.

- you said your disposal Is broken.

- I called you three months ago.

- so here I am.

- look, hector, if...

[disposal rattling]

- all right, come on.

Forget about it. How many you want?

- give me two.

[pager beeping]

- oh, wait a minute. That's my beeper.

- so.

- this is that waitress I met.

She said she'd page me if we Could hook up after work.

- well, so call her and tell her You'll see her later.

- ray, this girl Is into me right now.

Time is my enemy.

- well, whoa, wait.

It's the middle of the party.

- hey, I'm sorry, man.

I mean, you understand, right?

- oh, yeah, of course.

I mean, I'm getting married, But I'm still a guy, right?

- thanks, robert.

Hey, Congratulations on your wedding.

Amy's a great girl. I wish you all the best.

Let's go, ray.

- I'm not--I'm not going.

- my car is at your house, You idiot.

You've got to drive me back.

- oh.

All right, look, I'll just- I'll drive him,

And then-- And then I'll come back for you.

- no, lookit, Don't worry about it.

It's fine, ray.

- what do you mean? Of course I'm coming back.

This is your special night.

[disposal rattling]

- no, listen, it's okay. It's getting late.

You probably have a lot of stuff To do tomorrow.

- well, all right. You sure?

- oh, yeah, yeah, This was fun.

I had a great time.

- yeah, it was fun. - all right.

- all right. Come on, you dope.

- well, all finished.

- oh, thanks, hector.

- robert,

Let me ask you just man to man,

What is that smell?

- hey.

- hey. What are you doing home?

- nothing.

We had the party, And it's done.

- the bachelor party's Over already?

- yep.

- ray, it's 8:30.

- hey, uh, I want Some of this jell-o,

But I don't want to get a spoon.

Is that gonna upset you?

- raymond, how could you?

- what?

- we just got off the phone With robert.

- he told us about Your so-called party.

You completely let him down On his special night.

- what? We had a good time.

- then why did he sound So depressed?

- because he's robert.

- he told me he spent The last half hour

Gambling with his super.

- oh, well, see?

The party kept going Even after I left.

- he lost his security deposit.

- how is that a party?

- look, this is what Robert wanted.

When we talked about it,

He said, "Don't make a big deal."

- well, of course He said that.

When someone says, "Don't make a big deal,"

It always means Make a big deal.

- no, no. Robert doesn't do That womanish double-talk.

- actually, He's been talking about

A bachelor party for months.

- he has?

- yes; He was all excited

Wondering what you Had in store for him.

I'm sorry, ray.

I don't want to make you Feel bad about this.

I just think that maybe you...

Really screwed up.

- oh.

- raymond, you're gonna have To give him another party.

- what?

- yes, and this time, do it The way you're supposed to.

Make it a big deal.

- debra's right.

- ray, he's your brother.

Make it something He'll remember.

- are you giving me permission To get a stripper?

[together] No.

- well, what, then? What are we talkin' about?

- just make a fun party, A big shindig.

- a "Shindig"?

- oh, could he invite My father and my brother?

- of course he can.

- well, wait a minute; They hardly know robert...

Or like him.

- you know, actually, this party Could be the first step

In bringing everybody together And ending the tension.

Ooh, now I am Getting excited.

- ooh, me too.

- listen, ask frank if he can Have it at the lodge.

- he can make it A surprise party.

- ooh, yes.

And when robert comes in,

Everybody should sing "For he's a jolly good fellow."

- oh. Can you imagine His face?

- oh. And I'll tell His cousin gerard

To bring his accordion.

- I love gerard.

Oh, that sounds wonderful.

Ray, make sure When you call the guys

You to tell 'em It's a surprise party.

- oh, they'll be surprised.

- ray, you're doing this.

- I'm not having a shindiggy,

Accordionic sing-a-long At the lodge.

I mean, Do you hear yourselves?

This is as lame as it gets.

- no, raymond.

When a person breaks the heart Of his only brother...

That's as lame as it gets.

- all right.

- ooh, good.

Thank you, raymond.

- yes, thanks, ray.

- this is a good thing You're doing.

You know, whether someone Says so or not,

Everybody likes to be Treated special.

- listen, if you want to Treat me special right now...

- I'm a little tired.

I've got jell-o.

- hey, garvin.

- hey, ray's here.

Ha ha ha ha ha.

- listen, What are you doing?

You're supposed to be outside Watching for robert.

Come on.

- oh, yeah. I'd better get out there.

Hey, look out.

- ray, you know, They got no alcohol here.

- what do you mean? There's a bar right here.

- you're supposed to bring Your own liquor, dopey.

We don't keep liquor here At the lodge.

- you guys swim naked together.

You--you're telling me There's no alcohol involved?

- no, we lost Our liquor license

After vinnie tried to shoot An owl with a flare gun.

- so a bachelor party With no alcohol.

Nice goin', ray.

- hey, ray, check it out.

[playing "For he's a jolly good fellow"]

- that's good. It's good. It's good.

You know what? Why don't you do it over there.

This way, when he comes in... You're over there.

- sure. I'll stay limber.

[continues playing]

- hey, ray,

Let me use your belt So I can hang myself.

- come on, huh? It's not that bad.

- uh...Yeah, it is.

- hello, raymond.

- oh, hey. Hi, hank.

- well, if it isn't Hickory and dickory.

- hello, frank.

- hello, hickory.

- dad, come on.

Guys, I'm really glad You could come.

- well, amy had A long talk with me,

And she's asked me to...

Make an effort With your family.

- and I'm gonna Make an effort,

Because I'm a christian.

- hey, ray, you want To liven things up?

I'll put in a call To carol.

She's a real favorite At these kind of events.

- oh, my.

- no, that's okay.

Look, stan, no strippers.

- good for you, raymond.

- no strippers?

- no strippers? - come on.

- I had my boss Pay me in singles.

- we're out of here, ray.

- whoa, whoa, whoa. No, you guys can't leave, man.

- no drinking? No strippers?

I'm a married man. You can't do this to me.

- look, I'm sorry, all right? Come on, guys.

Everybody come here, please.

Listen, everybody, Please listen to me.

I'm under A lot of pressure here

To make sure robert Has a good time, okay?

Now, I'm sorry There's no drinks.

I'm sorry There's no strippers.

[discontented chattering]

All right, I know.

Look, we could all watch tv Till robert gets here, okay?

There, watch the game.

Everybody, please, Just watch the game.

Hey. Hey. Hey.

What... What the hell is this?

- it's the banner you ordered.

- it's supposed to say "Congratulations, robert."

- I think on the phone You said, "Woody."

- no. No.

Robert. "Congratulations, robert."

I can't use this.

- well, we've got some balloons,

But we can't blow 'em up.

- look, just get something.

We'll cover up the "Woody" part.

Just get something, And we'll cover it up.

- hey, ray.

What's goin' on?

Who's woody?

- you are.

- what?

[playing "For he's a jolly good fellow"]

- * for he's A jolly good fellow *

* for he's A jolly good fellow *

* which nobody can deny

- whoo-hoo.

They were supposed To sing along,

But I forgot to tell 'em.

- wow.

So all these people Are here...For me?

- yeah, yeah, it's your, uh, Surprise bachelor party.

Surprise.

[all, weakly] Surprise.

- wow.

I had no idea. Thank you.

You know, when mom told me To come down here

With a change of pants for dad, I was prepared for the worst.

- yeah.

- but you already had a party For me at my apartment.

- yeah, but that was lame.

Or--or the decoy or something.

That was pretty good, right?

- oh.

- he's coming.

- yeah, uh...

He's actually right here, Garvin.

- oh.

I saw him get out of the car.

But then I must have dozed off.

- wow, raymond.

So you did all of this For me, huh?

- yeah.

- the place looks great.

- you like this?

- who wouldn't?

- well...That's great.

All right, good. I'm glad you're happy.

- what are you saying, raymond?

You're glad that I'm happy?

- yeah. Actually, yeah.

Hey, hey. Look who's here.

- hello, robert.

Congratulations.

- yeah, dude.

- how are you?

You know, I gotta tell ya,

That you two came Really means a lot to me.

- yeah, it's good. It's nice.

Hank, you want some soda?

- actually, I never drink Carbonated beverages.

- so how are you doing?

- oh, I'm doing great.

I mean, this is nice.

It's nice to have All these friends here.

- yeah.

So, uh, amy told me

That ray threw you another one Of these parties last week.

Like, uh, a really bad one, huh?

- yeah. Yeah, the decoy.

- oh...That was a decoy.

Jeez, well, you know, Now I'm confused,

Because, um, I had heard That because of that one,

Amy, debra, and your mom

Forced ray into Throwing this one.

Yeah.

No, I mean, jeez, Amy begged us to come,

But, uh...

Hey, it turned out great, right?

Look, everyone's having a blast.

Jeez.

Your brother must Really love you, there...

Woody.

Ray, hey, happenin' party.

- what the hell Is wrong with you?

- what?

- why would you say that to him?

- I don't know what You're talking about.

Dad?

I think I'm getting One of my dizzy spells.

Do you think maybe We could leave now?

- but we just got here.

- you know, ray, I would love

To stay here And talk with you,

But I am really getting Light-headed here, sorry.

Is someone wearing A citrus-based cologne?

Come on, dad--

- no, no. I want to talk to you.

- hey, hey, hey.

Now, don't go all mafia On me here, okay?

- maybe we should Go home, son.

You can lie down in the van.

Raymond, thanks so much For inviting us.

I enjoyed the fact that you Didn't have stripping women.

- why didn't you punch that guy In the nose?

- all right, dad, not now, okay?

- I was ready To deck that hank.

- okay, everybody go back To partying. Go.

Hey, listen, robert, Sorry, you know, about him.

He's crazy. You know him.

He's peter, peter, Ritalin eater.

- it's true what he said, Raymond, isn't it?

- what?

- well, that the girls made you Throw me this party

And that the other one Wasn't a decoy and...

That that was all You were gonna do.

- no, man. No. No.

- now, now, look, raymond, It's okay.

I know you.

I know that sometimes You can be a little selfish

And thoughtless... Dishonest.

You remember halloween...

1967?

You unwrapped a chocolate bar Out of my bag

And replaced it With a cat poo.

- I'm sorry.

I don't blame you For being mad at me.

- I'm not mad at you, raymond.

And you know why?

- because somewhere there's A cat poo waiting for me?

- no.

In spite of all of this,

When you said That you were happy,

That I was happy,

You meant that.

And that was the best surprise.

- yeah, okay-- - no, no.

No, you...You meant that.

And that means the most to me.

I've got to hug you. Come here.

Come here.

- hey, you want to get out Of here and get some drinks?

- that would be great.

- hey, hey, guys, We're hittin' a bar.

- whoo. - let's go.

- hey, look. They served cake.

- good ol' woody.

- try one of these.

Both: hi.

- hello, ladies.

- did you boys have a good time?

- yes, we did.

- so good that we had to Take a cab home.

- well, why don't you Tell them everything?

Hi, mommy.

- oh, I love to see You boys like this.

- loaded?

- no, happy. Look at them.

- so the party Was a big success, huh?

- the party...Stunk.

But never underestimate The importance

Of the after party.

- yes. - no.

- yes. - no.

- yes. - no.

- yes. - yes. Hah.

- uh-oh.

So what did you guys do?

- enough talking.

Maybe you should take me home.

- oh, my.

- I bet there were strippers.

Were there strippers?

- no.

That's why we're here.

Hi.

- oh, god. Every woman's dream.

- I can imagine what's Waiting for me at home.

Good night.

- shall we?

- I've never seen you Like this.

You're not gonna throw up, Are you?

- I already did.

- [sighs]

What are you looking at?

- nothin'.

But I know I'm goin' upstairs With one of you two.