All language subtitles for s2-5 ency

Lock down
Ireland and New York.

And here, in the UK, we
have shut down a few things

but should the UK be
considering a national lockdown?

Here's a little song while
you think.

Can't believe the
karaoke place has shut down.

I love karaoke.

I'm allowed to be sad, Aine.

Yeah, I know it's serious.

- They shut down all the...
- I know the Irish airports are shutdown.

It's still my hen.

I am actually devastated

that the cock-sucking
class I booked got canceled

'cause that was so you.

Ow! Shona, stop it.

- Oh, I even hurt my hand.
- Good!

Good! Good that
it hurt your hand.

My friend just canceled her
whole wedding next month

because her mum has asthma.

- It's too dangerous.
- Seema!

Why would you say that?
- Read the room.

My wedding is in
less than two months.

Sorry, sweetheart. Facts though.

Do you think it's too early
for breakfast Prosecco?

To add to the orange juice.

- No, sure. It's all paid for.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, exactly, yeah. Definitely.

Is she okay? 10:30
in the morning.

Not really. Vish, um...

He's not supposed to tell me this,
so don't tell her I told you.

Actually, she'll
probably tell us later.

She's mad pissed because

she found out her husband spent
250 quid in a lap-dancing club.

She only found out...

She only found out when she
read the bank statements.

Oh, my God!

Well, at least, so he paid
the hard-working woman

above the living wage.

Because it's actually
very vulnerable

to do a sexy dance
for someone, you know?

What?

Here we go.

Oh, there she is!

Look at all that
pineapple for one woman.

Are you ladies the hen?

Uh, yes, I think, madam,
that it is safe to assume

that we are the hen. LOL.

Ah! Shona!

It's fun. SHONA:
It's two of us now.

Don't put it on! AINE:
You said you wanted fun!

- Look at our nails, Mammy.
Ooh.

Got my pedi.

It's almost like
you're here, Mammy.

There's Seema.

Hiya!

Oh, hi, Seema.

She looks drunk.

Oh, and the Irish
government is locking me up.

Not even giving me the
chance to go out and die,

never mind live.

Yeah, you're over 70, Mammy.

"Over 70," it's insulting.

But, look...
I have survived a war.

So this is nothing.

What war did you survive?

The Vietnam War.

Oh, yeah, I forgot
you were in 'Nam, Mam.

Oh, but, now, how is
my investment doing?

Uh...

Oh, she got in trouble with her boss
for sleeping with one of the parents.

So not so good. MAMMY: Oh, no.

Shona, that's not funny.

- James still isn't talking to me.
- It happened.

- Yeah, but it's not funny though.
- So don't make jokes.

"Oh, what a web we weave."

- "When first we begin to deceive."
- Yeah, I know the poem, Mammy.

Yeah, well, you
should never lie.

You'll always get caught out.

Yeah, the reception is bad, Mam.

- I'll call you tomorrow.
- What?

Bye. I love you.

See her aghast face?

Shona, that's...

"Don't put me back in the box."

Yeah, she said
because her mother had asthma,

she had to cancel
the whole wedding.

I mean, doesn't

your, uh, uncle have asthma?

Yeah, he did, before
he died. Yeah.

Oh, shit. I'm sorry,
honey. I forg...

I forgot. When was that again?

I'm just
messing with you. He's not dead.

But he does have asthma, yes.

Oh, you prick!

Listen, worse case, we can
just do it in the back garden.

Yeah, that's what they all say when
they don't want to get you pregnant.

Wa-wa. Nice one.

Wa-waaaaa.

Listen, uh, speaking
of that, um,

remember when I told you
that Gaya had adopted kids?

Gaya, your ex.

Yeah, she's a great person.

Well, uh, I realize that

you know, we've... we've
never talked about that.

Well, I mean, we... we have.

Having a baby, we...

Because I'm so old.

Well, I refute that
but, no, just...

You know, adoption.

Or is it just like
a... a total blanket

over kids, eh, so to speak?

Yeah, I...

I mean, I just
don't want anymore

changes I... I suppose. I...

I... I don't know, honey.

It's my hen and, you know, I'm
three sheets to the wind. I.

Oh, Shona! SEEMA: Get in here.

Oh, I'm... I... I've
got to go. Anyway, I got to.

Okay. Uh, well, hey, you know, don't
fall in love with the stripper.

I don't think I could
recover from the heartache.

Okay, well, you know,
I'll let him fuck me.

I just won't kiss him.

I love you.

Yeah, love you.

Inside!

Come on, get in here!

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God! AINE:
Yay! It's your hen!

Oh, my!

- Cocktails!
- Barman, woo!

Oh, my God, you got karaoke!

- Karaoke!
I love karaoke.

That flu is not
gonna stop karaoke.

Oh, my God! Look
at my hair!

And your crown, madam.

I'm not wearin' that.

Aw. Yay!

Your voice, Shona.

Oh, don't. I get sad.

I do love you, I do love you.

- Are you having a nice night?
- I love the night.

- I just wanted your hen...
- It's so fun.

On a scale of
parties, Shona, it's.

uh, professional.

Fuckin', I
don't know, me on top?

Doggy style.

That's my brother, Jesus!

- Ugh!
- Oh, my God. Your kennel-loving brother.

- Hey, Sho.

I just want to say I'm really
sorry I can't be there.

And I love you so much, you mad
fucker.

Guys, would
you just be quiet?

I'm trying to do a video message
for my friend. Oh, my God!

Sorry, listen, I'm just gonna have to
send this anyway even though it's shit.

I miss you lots. I love you.

Bye.

Aw.

Me too.

She hated you.

- Oh, my God.
- What a passive-aggressive bitch. Honestly.

"Oh, you're
movin' to London now, are ya?

"I bet you'll have
a lovely time there.

Oh, it will be really
hard to find work."

: Oh,
will it, Louise?

Will it be hard to
find work in London?

Oh, fuck off.

- I don't mind the strip club.
- I'm loose and fun.

I just don't want to feel like some,
"Oh, don't tell her indoors" 1950s wife.

Yeah, yeah.

Also, one of those girls could
have been your daughters.

I mean, I don't have a daughter

and your daughter is six, so...

Shona, pull
up your knickers.

The police are here.

- What do you mean, "The police are here"?
- What are you talking about?

I don't know
what they want.

Oh, shit.

Fuck off!

- A little secret.
- It's not real police. Oh, ho-ho.

How are you,
Mr. Officer? SHONA: No! Aine!

Go on, get in there.

You're under arrest.

- It's my worst...
You're under investigation.

My worst nightmare.

Anything you say or do
could be used against you.

What is happening? Oh, no.

Oh, no, no. Really?

Yes!
- Really?

- Thank you.
- You can thank my husband for that.

- Anytime.
- Oh, that's so kind of you.

Now, again, as I said, don't
put your hand on top of those.

- It'll just squash, and they're so lovely.
- Great.

Do you think he wants to adopt?

- I don't know.
- It's for you guys to talk through.

Jesus! I just...
I just don't think

I've ever really asked him
what he wants, you know?

Fuck!

He'd do anything for
me, Seema, you know?

He could kill for me.

I think.

Maybe you could have one
kid, a really small one,

who could type and be handy?

Sorry if I was bitching...

And Richard

She wasn't his wife, Shona.

She wasn't his wife.

I don't want to look.

- Please, Shona. Don't annoy me. Just look, would you?
- No.

Beyoncé'd fucking
look for Solange.

- Come on.
- Oh, my God!

I worry it
could be cancer, Shona.

I truly do.

It's not cancer.

It's a hemorrhoid.
It's a hemorrhoid.

You are... You are...

Do you get enough fiber?

It's private.

- Oh, my God. It's fucking...

It's fucking huge.

What, are you trying to birth
Gregg Wallace out of your bum hole?

Mean sport, Shona.

You should see a doctor.

I can't.

I can't go and see a doctor and
show my pickled asshole, Shona.

The NHS is already under
enough stress as it is.

It wouldn't
be fair on them.

Hi, Marcia. MARCIA:
Hello, my little friend, prince.

Aine?
- Yes.

I have a T-shirt
to show you. It's so funny.

Oh, funny is my buzzword, man.

Bring it down.

You know, I was worried

- about whether going to France would upset him too much...
- Yeah.

Or... or that he wouldn't
want to come back,

but he seems okay.

Oh, and, do you know, he's
so excited to see you.

- Do you know what he's like?
- He's actually like my little pal.

Like I really,
really missed him.

- Yeah. Um, listen.
- Yeah?

I think the reason
I'm here tonight

is because

he's got a new girl on the go.

- No lie.
- Really?

Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

I found a couple of hair
pins in his room this week.

Hairs on the pillow.

Pillow? God, that's, um...

Oh, my God. That's...

You'd make a good CSI
detective, wouldn't you? Jesus!

Don't tell him I said that.

Just between us
downstairs staff.

Come
on there, Marcia,

we're hardly, um, Downton
Abbey here, you know.

No, I know, but I mean, the last
one never even asked my name.

Did she not? Oh, my God.

Look.

Ah, that is so original.

Oh, my God, let... Do
you have your phone?

Oh, my God, we're getting a
picture. Getting a picture.

- Here we go. I'm... Oh-ho-ho-ho.
- Hang on...

Etienne, I thought the T-shirt
was just for me.

Thought you went to the pub.

Yeah, but it was a bit more of a
sort of, um, member's bar thing.

- But, yeah, pub-ish. Yeah.
- Yeah!

Hmm, he looks like a...

He looks like a model in one of
them country catalogs, don't he?

Yeah, very... It's very stylish.

Uh, thanks, Marcia. I think.

Um...

Well, I'm off, em, eh

- because I am going to the pub.
- Ah.

Uh, uh, yeah, just to
see some friends, so...

Near here or?

'Cause I've actually,
uh, just ordered a taxi.

So I... I could give you a lift,

uh, if you wanted,
to the... the pub.

Oh, yeah. Great! Thank you.

- That'll be handy.
- Very well, great. I'll drop you off.

- Thanks, really, Richard. Yeah.
- Great.

- Uh... I'll, uh, just grab my coat.
- Yes. Yeah.

- Okay.
- Lovely. Okay.

Em... Oh, so handy.

- Okay, well, you both have fun then.

Yeah, okay. Um,
yeah, see you soon.

Um, uh, bye, Etienne.

Bye, stupid.

Oh, no, Etienne.

Don't call me stupid, I'll
get all upset and sad.

Thanks for doing this, Jim.
It'll be good to get the word out there.

Yeah, yeah. I... I...
So... So, as she was saying...

Gambling, tobacco companies.

- Deforestation...
- Um, deforestation.

And most people,
um, and we mean most,

don't know that their money,
their pensions, small and big,

are mostly directly invested
in funding those things.

Yeah. Yeah, it's mad.

And... And the investment world pretend
like there's nothing they can do about it.

But we... we don't believe that.

Yeah, no, I get
it, I get it. Okay.

'Cause your... your investments
don't cost the earth, so... Get it.

So, do you... do you
have a pension, Jim?

I sure do.

And do you know what it funds?

I sure don't.

Do you have children?

Three.

Well, I can imagine that
they'll care how it is invested,

if they've no world to inherit.

Uh, now a side note,

just because, like, we wanna
champion diversity at the magazine.

So are you... are you

straight, Charlotte?

Why...

I mean, what's that got
to do with anything?

Well, as I said, we... we... we wanna
champion anyone outside the box,

you know, managing to make a go
of it, especially in the city.

Am I "A brown lesbian
managing to make a go of it"?

Um...

Funny.

Do... Don't put that in.

Oh, God, don't worry, girls. I know
how to sell a good profile piece.

Well, uh, right, uh...

Um, oh. Yeah, probably need to warm
you up a bit. Readers like smiles.

So, uh, tell each other a joke.

- Ugh. I don't know any.
- Um...

What do you call Postman
Pat on his holidays?

What?

Pat.

It's the only one I know.

You know, you could
have careers as models,

if this, you know,
this doesn't work out.

I don't know about that.

I, uh, still got sausage eyes
from my hen do last night.

Small... Small hen do. I'm
just gonna put these on.

Thank you.

Heya! Come here, big man.

Oh, fucking... How
handsome are you? Christ!

No wonder you've no personality.
There's just... There's no need for one.

Look at you, William Wallace.

- Aahh. And this is...
- This is Mark.

- Oh, hello! Hi.
- Hi.

Sorry, you're gonna have to...

Aine.

- Aine?
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And, unfortunately, I have
no personality either,

'cause I'm so attractive.

So... sorry about that,
it's gonna be a shit night.

I'm just stuck here with
two attractive dry shites.

Yeah. That's
the deal.

- Hey.
- Oh, get a fucking room.

- Oh, no, we actually reserved this one.
- So would you mind fuckin' off?

I fuckin' love Irish women.

Right. Shall we get fucked
up on this overpriced menu?

Babes, don't worry
about the price

'cause I actually work as a
tutor for a really wealthy guy.

So, I got this. Honestly,
don't... It's on me. Let me.

Hey, listen, um, tell me a little bit
about this, um, boss guy of yours?

- Well...
- 'Cause uh... I've heard he's a real asshole.

A massive asshole, you
can see it from space!

You! No.

I think the key thing to say is, even
if you don't want to actively do good

but you just don't want
to actively do harm.

Girls, I'll... I will do my best
to try to convince our readers

to give their money to a hungover
Irish woman and a brown lesbian.

Your words. Don't
worry. I'm on your side.

Charlotte.

Charlotte, I'm sorry.
I... I... I don't.

They can write what they want, and
I can handle it. I work in the city.

What I can't handle is... is
you look right through me now,

when we speak, even... Even
when we fought the other week.

This... this fakeness.

What do you mean, "fakeness"?

Have you ever felt like you're the
part of someone's autobiography

where they learn from a
situation, looking back,

but... but you're the casualty
of them learning that lesson?

I feel like... that's
what I am for you...

Was for you.

Made you realize that you love
Vish or... or men or whatever.

But I am a real person
who's in that story,

and I deserve to be seen and for
you to bother to be upset about.

- I am worth that.
- I know you're worth it.

You diminish me as a person
by removing any care for me.

I'm sorry.

Charlotte, I'm
really sorry. I...

I just...

I'm just

I'm just

I'm just
very fuckin' hungover.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

I'm just...

I just... When you told me
that you were falling for me

I knew... I knew it was that.

No, um, maybe I'm a
fuckin' psychopath.

But it was just this sudden
weight of your feelings,

and... and... and Vish,
and my love for him,

and our families, and
our business, and fuckin'

Jesus, what we're trying to build
together here, and I just...

Ugh, I just thought it
would be better for us to...

And for you as well, if... If
it was just clean and cold.

Fuck's sake, Shona, that
is a teenage boy's logic.

Yeah, maybe.

But, then, you know, when you
tell me about your head stuff,

- I just think, with Aine and...
- Ouch!

No, I don't mean it like that.

I feel... embarrassed
even saying that out loud,

but I just didn't think I
could be there for you too.

Okay? Not properly.

She just needs me so much.

No. No. You need
her to need you.

May as well put your stupid Irish face
on the cover of Co-Dependents Anonymous.

Well, wouldn't be very fuckin'
anonymous then, would it?

I've spent the last four months
talking to my therapist about you.

Go on then.

She said to avoid you and any
other women in the closet.

Well, I'm not.

- Yeah, yeah, yeah, you always said.
- I mean, I hope that you would've seen.

Well, yeah, you did
a good enough job.

Not like you have...

What was it you said that time?

"Panic eating a
melting ice cream."

God, I hope this Jim fucker
doesn't come back in.

Could you imagine this
for "women in business"?

- But she, you know...
- I fuckin loved.

She talks about,
like, em, democracy,

and how, like, politicians
have to go on TV

- because that's how they talk to us.
- Yeah.

- Like the people they represent.
- Well, that's... Yes, part of their job.

We gotta question them, you know?
Part of their job, yeah.

- We gotta see if they're telling the truth.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Who's this?

It's, em, a podcast
episode, the...

It's the Desert Island, um...
- It's, um...

- But we can't remember.
- Yeah, can't remember her name.

It's... But it's her... Uh, it's
her Desert Island Discs interview.

I think they might
be shutting up.

- A dome...
- She dedicates that song to her kid.

I think they might
be closing up.

My heart nearly fell
out of my chest.

'Cause I also... I grew up with
a single-mother family, you know?

- Sorry. What, em, did your...
- Did your dad... did he die or...

Yeah.

Em, did you say they
were closing up?

Mm, yes. MARK:
What, it's closing time?

Time to
go. AINE: Noooo.

Who're you texting?

- She's fun, man.
- Who are you texting?

She's fun, man. It's
good to see you laughin'.

Well, she's also very sweet too.

She's amazing.

Oh, she bloody
talks a lot though.

Ah, says the one-man chat show.

Yeah, that's different
though, isn't it?

I mean, we haven't seen
each other in a long time.

You know, I didn't expect her to
come in and do a fuckin' show.

I... I thought that at first,
but she... she calms down.

Hey, I'm not
being shady or anything.

She kept me on my
toes, all good.

You know, you just don't wanna end up
with some messy bitch who lives for drama.

Oh, come on, mate.

- No, no, it's just, uh, it's like...
- It's a phrase.

She's... Listen,
she's fun. I like her.

I'm only saying this because
you're like a brother to me.

And you're also now a
fuckin' legend to me

because you're banging
your son's teacher.

That's the fantasy, pal.

- Heya.
- Ah, we thought you got flushed down the toilet.

No. This
place is so fancy,

it just took me ages to, you know, get
all the free soaps and bits in my bag.

Oh, yeah. Get what you can from
these places, that's what I say.

- Hey, my love, it's been an absolute pleasure.
- Oh... You too.

You know, we should
do this again sometime.

Oh, yeah. That'd be so nice.

Yeah, I'm gonna
be back in London

in about a month or so.

Mm.

You know, if this cough
thing doesn't get me.

He was so fun.

Yeah.

I have to let you go, don't I?

What?

Oh.

- You said you were tired with Etienne back and everything.
- Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, sorry.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's... Yeah.

Oh, my God.

She's run out of words.

What? No.

No, they're all still
in there. Just, um...

You don't get to hear
them right now, so...

- Okay.
- Yeah.

Can I have... Can
I have one word?

- One word?
- Yeah.

Banana.

That's a good word.

- You okay?
- Mm-hmm.

- Sure?
- Yeah.

Okay.

- Hello, I'm Lauren Laverne,

and this is the Desert
Island Discs podcast.

My castaway this week
is Dorothy Byrne,

the trailblazing, award-winning,
grandam of television journalism.

She spent

politicians not telling the truth

is not some eccentric
view of my own.

It's one shared by the British
people. It was really depressing...

Grenfell.

Poor families.

Hmm.

No
justice for any of 'em.

Not bloody fair this life, eh?

It's awful.

For a
long period, just one piece of music

which would keep her quiet.

I hated it, but it would
definitely remind me of her.