All language subtitles for Those.who.cant.S03E11.TBS.English-WWW.MY-SUBS.CO

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So I was like, "Okay.
Let's go to the mountains."

And he goes to, like, Georgetown.

He's like, "Get the fuck out."

I'm sorry. I just lost my wife.

Jesus, this is hard to watch.

So then don't watch!

Nobody asked you to sit with me!

- Okay.
- No, don't go, don't go.

Just... stick around for a little bit.

I'm pretty sure it's illegal to cry

and eat ice cream at the same time.

Lucky for you, my wire's not on.

It's just that Jade and I

are supposed to be
on our honeymoon right now...

at a Flip-Flop Resort on Hispaniola.

- Which side?
- Haiti.

We booked the Wyclef Jean suite.

One time.

Cheer up. I think that
you dodged a bullet.

Yeah, marriage is a lot

like being held captive
in a basement, anyway.

You just say that 'cause
you actually live in a basement.

Figuratively, too.

I mean, when my marriage fell apart...

- My God!
- Abbey!

Ease on the arriage-may stuff.

He's sad. A little soon,
don't you think?

You're the one that brought it up.

Do something, Shoemaker.
I'm in existential pain.

You know what, Abbey?
Would you be a dear

and go get our friend here
a cup of coffee?

Deer can't carry coffee.

Almond milk, organic sugar.

Yeah, one or two?

Two ought to do it.

All right, you guys.
I've got actual things to do.

You can have your
sausage funeral by yourself.

And get me two muffins.

Quit wasting my time

I ain't here for you

I'm just putting in work

Till my day is through

- Synced and corrected by AlexandreMT -
- www.MY-SUBS.com -

Do you think you'll be giving
the gifts back to the...

Shoemaker, I can't think
about that right now!

So selfish!

Foreman Grills aren't cheap.

Hey, everybody. Just a general reminder

that the vocational career fair
that I put together

for Smoot's grossly underserved
low-performance students

starts today.

Quick little pro tip...
Just funnel those kids

straight to
the Armed Services recruiters.

Hey, these kids still have
career options, you know.

Yeah. Mnh! Mnh! Mnh! Mnh!

Like truck drivers.

I hope there's a carousel at this fair.

It's a career fair, you moron.

- Career fair?
- Getting dumber every day.

Never thought about going pro.

I mean, I am pretty good.

This is just what you need.

Nothing will make you feel
like less of a failure

than Jet Skiing across Lake Loser!

I feel like I'm lying
in a bag of cinder blocks

at the bottom of that lake.

- Again with the sad stuff.
- I don't want to be here.

Look, look, over here.

Dental hygiene.

Kids, this is a great job.

It's got all the glitz
and glamour of being a maid

except with your hands
in a stranger's mouth.

You couldn't do it.

Come on. Try to have fun.

Look, look. How about this one, okay?

Look at that. Department of Corrections.

This job is perfect

for those of you too racist to be cops.

All right, easy there, Ponch.

That's pretty good.

This stinks. When's the college fair?

College fair was three weeks ago, Jack.

If you were college-bound,
you would've heard about it.

Probably why he should hightail it over

to the old HVAC booth?

Think somebody's got a long career

of showing his ass crack to housewives.

You're doing it, Peter.

There you are!

- Come on.
- Bangarang, Lost Boy!

Come on. You try your own.
Come on. Try one on your own.

All right.

Social work... very nice.

I got it.

Why don't you show me on the doll

where you failed the bar exam?

- Ho-ho-ho!
- Ho-ho-ho!

- Boom! There he is!
- Dude, that actually felt really good.

Fan the flames, man.

I just wish we had these losers around

all the time, you know?

Look! Free stuff!

All the free stuff you can carry!

I got a new smaller mustache brush.?

Holy Peanut Buster Parfaits.
Dairy Queen is here?

I'm gonna go try to get her autograph.

Big Ol' Yams?

- Hi.
- Hi.

I-I think there's been
some sort of confusion.

I'm supposed to be booth 36-D.

No, we're 36-D.

Maybe you're like a... 32-B?

Or A.

Yeah, okay. That's funny.

Um, listen, woman to woman,

I totally applaud

you reclaiming your sexuality
through franchising,

but this is my librarian booth.

Sorry. We've had this reserved
for, like, three weeks.

Okay. Um...

Steven? Hey! What is this?

You promised me a librarian booth.

Well, actually, you e-mailed me...

And I didn't get a chance to reply no.

I'm sorry, Ms. Logan.

Library science is a lot
like the mortuary arts...

A dying profession.

Get it?

So the future is this skanky
vegan "breastaurant"?

Um, I mean, pro-fem empowerment...

Whatever. You guys are gross.

I mean, who even likes this garbage?

Wow. This Tap That Grass
is nummy-licious.

- Thanks.
- Thank you!

All right, you know what?
I get your concern.

I, too, thought it was vulgar at first,

but the employee benefits are great.

I mean, the Big Ol' Health Plan,
the Big Ol' 401 Double K's.

Okay. You know what? I'm sorry.
I don't name these things.

I-I just think this is beneath Smoot.

Excuse me. What free stuff do you have?

Hey, babe, you want
to try some veggie jelly?

I don't mind if I do.

Mnh! Mnh!

Okay.

My God!

Beneath Smoot?

No. I think it's right on par.

I do not think I was
ready for that jelly.

That's the trash, right?

Everything is trash.

God...

Done.

So, do either of you live alone?

I do. What'd you have in mind?

PG-13 pizza party?

No.

And, alas, we reach
rock bottom... real estate.

Scum of the Earth.

Commodifying a basic human right.

You're worse than doctors.
How do you sleep at night?

On 800 thread-count sheets.
How do you sleep?

Fitfully, actually,
in my son's old sleeping bag,

right next to the furnace.

Come on, kids, let's go.
I've said too much.

Sounds like your friend
sleeps in a basement.

Was the furnace the giveaway,

or does that teal blazer

endow you with
magical real-estate powers?

Kind of like that flannel
makes you seem rustic

to the Dave & Buster's
waitresses that you flirt with?

How did you know tha...

Okay. Well, touché.

Solid assholery, sir.

You're a bit of an asshole yourself.

You ever think about
getting into real estate?

You know, I'd... I'd love to,

but, the kids need me here.

- Yeah.
- If I was ever to leave Smoot,

it'd just be like Jonestown without me.

Yeah, I can see you're already
at the top of your game.

Yeah.

Nothing spells success quite like

"public-school educator."

Kids, will you just meet me

at the, The Big Ol' Yams booth?

Save me a piece of "Hide the Soy-lami."

Shane Oswain, Realtor.

Loren Payton, real interested.

Over there, there's Uber.

I would've got a job for them,

but I don't have enough
sex offenses on my record.

That's funny, right, Loren?

Lore... Loren? Loren? No!

What are you doing? Real estate?

That's the biggest scam there is!

I couldn't agree more.

No. No, I stand corrected.

Triametrics. "Ask us anything."

All right, I've got a question...

What's a pyramid scheme
masquerading as a religion

doing at a career fair?

We are not a religion.

We offer careers in advancing mankind

through holistic geometry.

Wow! That's super cool.

I haven't heard a bigger load of crap

since my real-estate agent told me

that my basement was radon-free,

the joke being that my...
basement is not radon-free.

It's too bad you're such a narrow mind.

Whatever.

Or you could live
at Quazar Ranch for free.

Whoa. What'd you just say?

Free?

Here?

Kids, why don't you go over
to the Big Ol' Yams booth?

And go easy on the Camel Tofu.

That stuff is not good for you.

The Ranch allows our ambassadors to live

without the worry of money.

It's a worker's paradise, if you will.

I will!

Zandra.

Where do I sign?

On the signature line.

That checks out. Yeah.

No tub in this place, all right?

- So what did you say?
- I said, "Half bath?

I'll let you know when I need
to take a half dump."

My God!

Shane, your anecdotes
alone, bro... killing me.

- So, get this.
- Yeah.

I'm the exclusive listing agent

for some new lux condos in SuTo.

Lux condos in Sucktown?

Yeah, no, I don't think that's going...

No, not Sucktown... SuTo.
We're rebranding it.

Real estate's all about spin.

Take a house that's
next to train tracks.

- Yeah.
- It's not next to train tracks.

It's "convenient to transit."

Okay.

So, like, "mid-century modern"
instead of "asbestos vault."

Dude, you're a natural.

Why don't you take
the Realtor exam, join my team?

I don't know.

The Gables at SuTo is only in Phase One.

There's a ton of potential sales.

If I join, do I get one
of these sick teal blazers?

Or coral. Your choice, bro.

- No, teal, all the way.
- That's my team.

- You know what? Try it on.
- Really?

Want to see what you
look like in this bad boy.

Okay.

Yeah.

Dude, you look better in that than I do.

- Right?
- I'm gonna take some pictures. Cool?

Hell, yeah.

I can see the bus ad right now. Boom.

My God. Where do I sign?

- On the signature line.
- Yeah. That tracks.

There we go.

Hey. $2,400.

Congratulations.

You're now a Phase One
Triangle Ambassador.

Cool! When can I move in?

Mondays are good for me...

You can move in as soon
as you reach Phase Two.

But that was my entire life savings.

Ambassador Billy,

you don't have to pay
to enter Phase Two.

You simply have to
recruit five new people

willing to pay for Phase One.

Five people?

W-W-Where am I gonna find five peo...

Can they be stupid?

We accept anyone.

Insulated walls, here I come.

Fairbell!

It's about building community
is what it is.

Yeah, yeah, and sharing resources,

like water and childcare.

And they're not even finished
yet. It's just Phase One.

I can't wait for Phase Two.

- My God. Phase Two?
- Off the chain.

Nothing but hot tubs
and built-in wine fridges, bro.

That's what I'm talking about.

Look at us, making smart choices.

Dude, totally.

So, which model of the Ascension Pod

- are you gonna go for?
- Ascension Pod?

I'm talking about The Gables at SuTo.

What the hell are you talking about?

- What?
- Gables at SuTo?

No, no, we're talking about Triametrics.

Loren, real estate is a scam.

- Excuse me.
- You're excused.

No, Triametrics is a scam.

Real estate is a slam dunk every time.

I knew he wouldn't sign up.

- Typical NM.
- I'm not an NM.

Narrow mind.

I am not narrow-minded.

Yeah, you are.
Triametrics is not a scam.

I mean, just look at their
tenets for living, okay?

Number 1, eat healthy.
That's common sense.

Number 2, get 10 hours of sleep.

- Okay?
- That's a lot.

Number 3, exercise.

That's scary. Okay?

And I think there's a fourth one.

I don't really remember what it is.

Trans-morphosize and ascend
into the rocket yacht.

- Okay. There it is.
- How could you forget that one?

- That's the best part.
- Okay, listen.

And there's the bullshit.

No. The... The rocket yacht
is a metaphor for spiritual...

It's a spaceship we're going
to literally live on forever.

Okay. Fairbell,

I'm trying to keep this
into the realm of science,

so if you could stop talking
about the rocket yacht...

Guys, I hate to tell you this, but...

Abbey, I've got this.

You fell for a pyramid scheme.
Congratulations.

You both fell for a pyramid scheme.

I was gonna say it was a pyramid scheme.

It's not a pyramid scheme.
It's a flow chart.

There's literally a pyramid on it.

Okay. You know what, Fairbell?

We don't have to sit here
and explain ourselves

to people too NM to understand.

My God.

Well, we've got
some uniforms to pick up.

Yeah. You mean
Astral Ambassador Garments.

I swear to God, if you use
the word "astral" one more time,

I'm gonna stick it up your astral.

Gross, Abbey. Do not get me sick.

I have a shit-ton
of real estate regs to learn

in the next three days.

Well, if you would
listen to me for once,

I was gonna ask you if you
wanted to study together.

'Cause I might be doing
something really exciting...

Unless you might be pre-approved
for a condo in the high 400s,

I have zero use for you, okay?

You know what, Loren? I was trying to...

I don't mean to, butt in,

but, Loren, I think it's great

that you found your calling
at the career fair.

And as it happens,

real estate
is a bit of a passion of mine.

I could help you study.

Sweens!

Comin' off the bench.
That would be awesome.

Steven, I was actually...

Ms. Logan, we're having a conversation.

We're talking. We're talking.
The grown-ups are talking.

You know what? This answers my question.

You guys are... dicks.

I am so sorry about her, Sweens.

Already forgotten.

- My office later?
- Totally.

Thank you, Sweeney. Very cool.

No problem.

Anything to help you...

get away from here.

I'm sorry. Did I miss
the last part of that sentence?

Nope. Just thinking about real estate.

Real estate. Yes!

Triametrics. Think of it
as the answer key to life

for just pennies a day.

A few thousand pennies a day...

Got 5 seconds to save
your eternal energy shell?

I have an Ascension Pod
with your name on it!

What is that guy's name?

It's time for our ring re-charge.

Come on. It's important.

Vrmmmm!

This is never gonna work!

We're not gonna get
to Phase Two like this.

Unless...

we go straight to the top.

The roof.

No, Quinn!

He has the power to recruit the faculty

- from the top down.
- Ooh.

That's what the three-sided
square system is about.

Fact.

Sweens, you ready to do this thing?

- Loren.
- Yeah.

I just brewed some Chamomile Rage.

It's got taurine and guarana.

It's the perfect thing
for an intense study session!

Wow. It sounds pretty baller.

Thank you, Sweeney.

Ho ho! Mama Miata. That's got a kick.

But it's also very relaxing.

So you ready to ace this test?

You tell me, dawg.

Yeah, I had them overnighted from China.

Pretty swish, right?

Wow.

Yeah, that is pretty swish.

But have you done
anything else to prepare?

Outside from the pencils? No, nothing.

Then we got a lot of work to do.

Says here, "Discriminate
against the poor."

- No.
- No?

No, no, no, no, no.

This is really good.

Tell your friends where you got it.

- You ready?
- I'm ready.

Green Monster.

- Yoga teacher's house?
- No!

- Do it again, do it again!
- Just do it again.

Bl-bl-bl-bl! This tea is magic!

God, yes!

But it's not sticking...

- Hey!
- Get it together!

Man, let's sell some homes.

Set, go!

Buyer agents represent the buyer.

Seller agents rock the blazer.

That is not right.

Colorado inspection code requires balls.

Big ones.

I'm gonna have to give you an F.

I'm sorry.

- Tudor.
- Yes!

- Spanish.
- Yes!

- Yes?
- Yes!

Yes!

Yes! Did it!

Yeah.

Once again, hammering "sold" signs

and dressing like a Realtor
isn't on the test,

- but nice work.
- Thanks, man.

And I can't believe

that tomorrow's
your last day at Smoot, ever.

It is, isn't it?

Man, I'm not looking forward
to telling Quinn.

Don't worry about that.

I mean, everybody's really
thrilled that you're doing this.

Really, really, really thrilled.

N-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o...

o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o!

Is this about the wedding?

They say, after a traumatic event,

you shouldn't make
any big life decisions

for like six to eight years.

This has nothing to do with the wedding.

God, I regret ever buying her for you.

Well, I am gonna be sick.

Quinn, sign the form, man.

No! I will not assist you

in making the biggest mistake
of our lives!

The biggest mistake of my life

was not becoming a Realtor sooner.

- I'm out of here!
- Loren Payton...

And let me know when I can show you

an elevator-adjacent
garden-level studio.

It'd be perfect for you!

I look forward to it!

Hey, Quinn.

I know this is hard to hear,
but I need you to...

I've lost him.

He's gone.

He's gone.

Okay.

Principal Quinn, Medicine Woman!
Hey, hey, hey!

Listen, whole school's buzzing

about how sad you are
about Loren leaving,

which is why we thought maybe
you could use a pick-me-up.

Literally... to space!

Okay. I told you to
stop talking about...

- It's the best part.
- Get out of my way!

See? You chased him off
with all that space babble!

It's not my fault the faculty
here is so old and brainlocked.

My God. That's it.

We need to get at the younger minds.

We get a van.

We pass out candy at a playground.

- Everyone likes candy.
- No, gross.

- I got an idea.
- Right there with you.

Head start on tonight's ring re-charge.

- Power up!
- Yeah, yeah, sure...

My God, Fairbell,

is your ring different than mine?

Is it? Don't think so.

'Cause it looks a lot different.

That looks...

I can't thank you guys
enough for coming here.

I'm gonna miss you so much.

Hey, Abbey,

do you want to leave something behind

for my time "cap-syo-ul"?

You have a Smoot time capsule?

Yeah, it could be anything...
A book, a CD,

some of your favorite bathroom trash.

Dan, gross.

Clear out the religion section, Abbey.

I got something you
can really believe in.

My God. A going-away party.

You guys...

"Goodbye... Abbey."

That is so thoughtful of you.

You spell "Abbey" with an "e."

And a novelty card.
These are fun. Thank you.

Well, listen, I didn't prepare any words

'cause I didn't know you guys

were gonna throw me a going-away party.

Actually, the party is for me...

No, it's okay. It's okay.

From the bottom of my heart,

mortgage rates are at an all-time low,

so if anyone is even...

- Really?! A party?!
- Yeah, Quinn.

We're losing our coolest teacher,

and you think that that's
a cause for celebration?!

Unbelievable!

You, sir, will be going nowhere!

That is my... That is my...

- Abbey, I've got this.
- Why won't that rip?!

You've got some nerve, Quinn.

The entire faculty got together
to show me off the right way

'cause they're happy for me,

and I'll be damned

if I'm gonna let you take
that away from them, monster.

- Monster?
- That's right.

The only thing
I have ever been accused of

is caring...

And indecent exposure

and soliciting a prostitute,

although, ultimately,
I was acquitted of both.

But caring!

Premeditated,
first-degree capital caring...

With aggravated concern?

Well, guilty as charged, Your Honor!

The defense rests!

Cake! That's cake.

Yeah, that's my cake.

You never cared about me, Quinn.

But Steven did.

Steven, come here, please.
Come on. Please.

You know, this whole time,

I, like you, thought
Steven was this huge turd.

You know, this huge, weird,
misshapen turd

that's pretty concerning.

So you call the doctor, and he's like,

"You're right.
You need to change everything."

And you think, "My God.

Had it not been for this
gross, oddly painful turd,

I'd still be making the same mistakes

I made my entire life."

That's Steven. So, thank you, Sweeney.

You beautiful turd.

And, Quinn, if you need me,

I'll be slam-dunking that Realtor exam.

Enjoy the party that Quinn ruined.

And, Abbey, feel free to help yourself

to a non-corner piece of cake.

That's so generous, so thoughtful.

Thank you. Sayonara, SuTo!

This is all your fault.

Your career-fair carnival of horrors

is destroying Smoot!

Well, that was a great party.

Up until the lengthy turd talk.

Yeah. It was perfect.

- Abbey!
- Abbey! Hi.

Clear off the religion section,

'cause I want you to think about space.

Dude, I already told you,

if you talk about space one more time,

you are gonna get your face punched in.

- What about space for books?
- I said that.

- You know what?
- Shelf space.

You guys should totally
put your books here.

Let me clear off
some shelf space for you.

That enough room for you?!

Enjoy your sausage cult.

My God.

Abbey...

said yes!

Let's go tell Zandra
about our new Libratorium.

Quazar Ranch, here I come!

Permission to come aboard
the rocket yacht.

Yes!

Well, I would be remiss not
to broach a few qualms I have

with some of the nutritional claims

in your herbivore fare.

Okay. Well, if you'd like...

Aaah!

Are you okay, sweetie?

Yeah, I'm cool. I just...

I didn't think you were gonna
talk back to me, so, you know...

See ya! Yeah.

- Bye.
- Bye.

Wait till Zandra hear's about this.

I bet Tampa and I get a master bedroom.

Hey. Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!

Where'd the Triametrics booth go?

They took off.

Took off?

The lady said something
about her ship coming in

after she fleeced a couple
of grade-A whales yesterday.

Yes!

My God. We got scammed.

I gave her my entire life savings.

Aren't you listening?

Zandra has ascended... with whales!

You really should be wearing
your astral garments

this close to Ascension Day.

For the last time...

We got scammed, you brainwashed dipshit.

I refuse to listen
to this horse-sorcery.

You mean "heresy."

No, I mean horse-sorcery.
Did you even read the books?

What are you two doing here?

I thought you joined that cult.
I mean, lifestyle opportunity.

Well, if you must know, Sweens,
it turned out to be a scam.

They took all my money.

Well, you know what?

I can live with two out of four gone.

Okay.!

So, bullet points...

Handed out my sweet pencils
at the real-estate exam.

Huge hit. Duh.

Unfortunately, they were made
with Chinese lead,

and everybody got super sick
from chewing on them.

And it turns out lead's no good
on TronScan machines, either,

as it ruined every single exam.

So I'm back.

Well, you can take the test
again, though, can't you?

No, no. God, no. I'm banned for life.

The prodigal son has returned!

Okay, Quinn.

And I forgive you!

No, honestly, I feel like
I owe you an apology.

Shh! You don't owe me anything.

Really? So you don't want
the deposit back for your condo?

'Cause your mortgage pre-approval
was very much denied.

I just want you back here at Smoot.

Well, that's exactly what you've got.

You know what?
One out of four ain't bad.

If you're gonna quote Meat Loaf,
get it right.

It's, "Two out of three ain't bad."

I was talking about
your little foursome!

- Abbey quit!
- What?

She was standing right next
to me at my going-away party.

God, you think she
would've said something.

She didn't even say a word.

Classic Abbey.

- What a weirdo.
- Well, she can't do that.

She has to get approved
before she can leave.

I have to sign off on...

A-h-h-h-h-h...

It's time for me to ascend!

I'm coming!

Who's the brainwashed dipshit now?

My God! It's finally happening!

Next stop, the rocket yacht.

Aah!!

Ooh!