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1
00:00:10,624 --> 00:00:12,558
[Sighs]
2
00:00:12,626 --> 00:00:16,084
Hi, Grandpa. Where's Lily?
3
00:00:16,163 --> 00:00:18,097
She's gone to bed.
4
00:00:18,165 --> 00:00:20,156
You better go up
and tell her where you've been.
5
00:00:20,233 --> 00:00:23,134
You've been out
three nights in a row.
What are you up to?
6
00:00:23,203 --> 00:00:26,969
Grandpa, I don't want
Lily to know,
7
00:00:27,040 --> 00:00:30,976
but I'm engaged in a project
that is going to benefit mankind...
8
00:00:31,044 --> 00:00:33,012
and keep the streets
of our country safe...
9
00:00:33,080 --> 00:00:35,048
for women
and children everywhere.
10
00:00:35,115 --> 00:00:38,346
No.
Yes.
11
00:00:38,418 --> 00:00:40,943
I'm a detective.
12
00:00:41,021 --> 00:00:44,286
What? You, a detective?
13
00:00:44,358 --> 00:00:46,383
Herman. Herman,
14
00:00:46,460 --> 00:00:48,621
do me a favor.
Hmm?
15
00:00:48,695 --> 00:00:50,686
When the boys
from the happy hatch come...
16
00:00:50,764 --> 00:00:52,698
to fit you with that
canvas housecoat,
17
00:00:52,766 --> 00:00:55,826
please, don't tell 'em
you're my son-in-law!
18
00:00:58,205 --> 00:01:01,231
[Laughing]
19
00:02:05,639 --> 00:02:08,574
What time did Uncle Herman
get home last night, Aunt Lily?
20
00:02:08,642 --> 00:02:10,701
Not till 11:00.
21
00:02:10,777 --> 00:02:14,713
He had some vague excuse
about getting lost
on the way home from work.
22
00:02:16,049 --> 00:02:20,076
- Hey, maybe Pop is leadin' a double life.
- A double life?
23
00:02:20,153 --> 00:02:22,849
Yeah. He's really
a criminal on parole,
24
00:02:22,923 --> 00:02:26,222
and he has to go out at night
and pay blackmail to some crooks,
25
00:02:26,293 --> 00:02:29,228
so they won't tell everybody
his mother runs a saloon
in New Orleans.
26
00:02:30,964 --> 00:02:35,230
Eddie Munster, wherever
do you get such ideas?
27
00:02:35,302 --> 00:02:37,862
It was on the second feature
at the kiddies' matinee.
28
00:02:37,938 --> 00:02:40,429
Oh, those horror shows!
29
00:02:40,507 --> 00:02:43,135
Eddie, you should spend
Saturday afternoons at home...
30
00:02:43,210 --> 00:02:45,144
doing something
more wholesome,
31
00:02:45,212 --> 00:02:48,943
like digging up bones
in the backyard with Spot.
32
00:02:49,015 --> 00:02:51,176
Where's Uncle Herman now,
Aunt Lily?
33
00:02:51,251 --> 00:02:53,742
He's down in that lab again
with Grandpa.
34
00:02:53,820 --> 00:02:57,017
I don't know what they're up to.
It's awfully quiet down there.
35
00:02:57,090 --> 00:03:00,150
I'd feel a lot better if I could
hear a few explosions.
36
00:03:00,227 --> 00:03:02,218
"Follow that man.
37
00:03:02,295 --> 00:03:05,287
"Learn to be a detective
in your spare time.
38
00:03:05,365 --> 00:03:08,459
"Earn up to $75 a week.
39
00:03:08,535 --> 00:03:10,469
"Glamour, excitement...
40
00:03:10,537 --> 00:03:14,234
Official badge with first lesson."
[Chuckles]
41
00:03:14,307 --> 00:03:19,609
"United States National Federal
Detective Academy.
42
00:03:19,679 --> 00:03:23,809
Box 14, Tijuana, Mexico."
[Snickers]
43
00:03:23,884 --> 00:03:28,753
Oh, boy.
My son-in-law,
the wetback detective.
44
00:03:28,822 --> 00:03:31,256
Herman, this is a gyp outfit.
45
00:03:31,324 --> 00:03:33,451
Oh, no, they're not.
[Chuckles]
46
00:03:33,527 --> 00:03:35,722
That's where
I have you, Grandpa.
47
00:03:35,795 --> 00:03:38,286
They sent me
this official detective kit.
48
00:03:41,501 --> 00:03:45,062
See? Here's my
fingerprinting equipment.
49
00:03:47,307 --> 00:03:50,902
- [Grunts]
- [Laughs]
50
00:03:50,977 --> 00:03:54,071
And these are what is
commonly known in the trade...
51
00:03:54,147 --> 00:03:56,240
as restraining cuffs.
52
00:03:56,316 --> 00:03:58,250
[Clatters]
53
00:04:00,420 --> 00:04:04,857
Well... Oh, it doesn't matter anyway.
They didn't send me the key.
54
00:04:04,925 --> 00:04:08,122
And, eh-eh, what is this,
a Tijuana phone book?
55
00:04:08,194 --> 00:04:11,254
No. This is
my 20 easy lessons.
56
00:04:11,331 --> 00:04:16,030
See? Here's a chapter
on how to follow men.
Eh?
57
00:04:16,102 --> 00:04:18,593
Here's a chapter
on how to follow women.
58
00:04:19,673 --> 00:04:23,200
Here's a chapter on how to follow men
disguised as women.
59
00:04:24,277 --> 00:04:27,269
You see, Grandpa?
I am too a detective.
60
00:04:27,347 --> 00:04:29,577
Okay. Okay.
61
00:04:29,649 --> 00:04:31,583
Good. Good.
[Chuckles]
62
00:04:31,651 --> 00:04:34,211
You're a detective.
What do you do now?
63
00:04:36,323 --> 00:04:38,553
What do I do now?
64
00:04:38,625 --> 00:04:41,389
I give up my present
low-salary job...
65
00:04:41,461 --> 00:04:43,395
for the high-paying rewards...
66
00:04:43,463 --> 00:04:46,694
of a career in law enforcement.
67
00:04:46,766 --> 00:04:49,064
You mean quit your job
down at the parlor?
68
00:04:49,135 --> 00:04:51,433
Herman, you're a big man
down there.
69
00:04:51,504 --> 00:04:54,871
You, who started out
12 years ago as a nail boy.
70
00:04:54,941 --> 00:04:57,171
I'm not quitting
right now, Grandpa.
71
00:04:57,243 --> 00:04:59,370
I need more experience.
72
00:04:59,446 --> 00:05:01,471
That's why I've been out
the last three nights...
73
00:05:01,548 --> 00:05:03,641
practicing how
to shadow people.
74
00:05:13,593 --> 00:05:17,085
Grandpa? Grandpa...
Oh!
75
00:05:17,163 --> 00:05:19,097
Herman, hmm?
76
00:05:22,335 --> 00:05:24,929
Not only will you
get Lily mad,
77
00:05:25,005 --> 00:05:27,132
but if you
keep shadowing people,
78
00:05:27,207 --> 00:05:30,643
you will wind up
with what is known
in the trade...
79
00:05:30,710 --> 00:05:32,905
as a belt in the mouth!
80
00:05:32,979 --> 00:05:35,379
Grandpa, you can laugh
if you want to,
81
00:05:35,448 --> 00:05:39,441
but I'm on the verge
of a career in law enforcement.
82
00:05:39,519 --> 00:05:44,183
I've already sent in my application
to the Kempner Detective Agency
right here in this town.
83
00:05:45,325 --> 00:05:47,259
They said they'd call me.
84
00:05:47,327 --> 00:05:49,261
Are you sure about that?
85
00:05:49,329 --> 00:05:52,696
That's just what they said:
"Don't call us, we'll call you."
86
00:06:02,642 --> 00:06:04,576
Herman?
87
00:06:07,514 --> 00:06:10,745
And just where do you think
you're going again tonight?
88
00:06:10,817 --> 00:06:13,183
Uh... Eh, just out, dear.
89
00:06:13,253 --> 00:06:15,380
There's some secret work
I have to do...
90
00:06:15,455 --> 00:06:18,481
that will eventually be
of great benefit to my family.
91
00:06:18,558 --> 00:06:20,492
All right, go ahead.
92
00:06:20,560 --> 00:06:24,621
I don't suppose it matters to you
that you're completely ruining
my plans for the evening.
93
00:06:24,698 --> 00:06:27,997
Oh? What plans
are those, dear?
94
00:06:28,068 --> 00:06:30,002
Oh, just that I'm supposed
to go out tonight...
95
00:06:30,070 --> 00:06:33,836
and collect for our favorite charity,
Bundles for Transylvania.
96
00:06:33,907 --> 00:06:37,070
I thought that my husband
could at least be with me...
97
00:06:37,143 --> 00:06:39,134
when I knock on strange doors.
98
00:06:39,212 --> 00:06:41,146
But that's all right.
99
00:06:41,214 --> 00:06:44,843
Go ahead, stay out all evening
with your "secret" work.
100
00:06:44,918 --> 00:06:47,352
- But, Lily!
- Oh, no.
101
00:06:47,420 --> 00:06:49,547
Go on. And while you're out,
102
00:06:49,622 --> 00:06:52,921
why don't you send
a one-word telegram...
103
00:06:52,992 --> 00:06:55,358
to our poor friends
in the Old Country...
104
00:06:55,428 --> 00:06:57,396
"Starve!"
105
00:06:57,464 --> 00:06:59,398
But...
106
00:07:00,467 --> 00:07:02,401
[Groans]
107
00:07:20,720 --> 00:07:22,654
[Gasps]
108
00:07:24,157 --> 00:07:26,455
Oh, it's only you.
109
00:08:13,506 --> 00:08:15,997
Well, w-why don't you
sit closer?
110
00:08:16,075 --> 00:08:19,306
What for?
So I can give you a kiss.
111
00:08:19,379 --> 00:08:21,472
Oh, l-I'd be embarrassed.
112
00:08:21,548 --> 00:08:24,415
Well, then close your eyes.
Will you close yours?
113
00:08:24,484 --> 00:08:27,248
Uh-huh.
Okay.
114
00:08:27,320 --> 00:08:31,051
One, two, three.
115
00:08:32,592 --> 00:08:36,289
[Speaking With Chinese Accent]
Oh, um, me no Peeping Tom.
Me number-one detective.
116
00:08:36,362 --> 00:08:38,296
Oh!
117
00:08:43,670 --> 00:08:45,865
Well, he's not at the office.
118
00:08:45,939 --> 00:08:47,873
[Scoffs]
Secret work, my foot.
119
00:08:47,941 --> 00:08:51,377
I'll just bet he's seeing
another woman.
Oh, Aunt Lily.
120
00:08:51,444 --> 00:08:53,378
I'm going down
first thing in the morning...
121
00:08:53,446 --> 00:08:56,938
to the Kempner Detective Agency
and have your Uncle Herman followed!
[Door Creaking]
122
00:08:57,016 --> 00:08:59,211
Well, what do you suppose
he's been doing, Aunt Lily?
123
00:08:59,285 --> 00:09:01,276
Well, I don't know.
But the next time he does it,
124
00:09:01,354 --> 00:09:03,720
there'll be a detective
behind him taking notes!
125
00:09:09,729 --> 00:09:13,221
Well, I'm sure we can
handle this case, Mrs. Munster.
126
00:09:13,299 --> 00:09:16,291
Would you give us
a description of your husband?
127
00:09:16,369 --> 00:09:20,271
Well, he's average height,
about 7 foot 3.
128
00:09:20,340 --> 00:09:22,365
Seven foot 3?
129
00:09:22,442 --> 00:09:24,842
[Chuckles]
Did he ever
play basketball?
130
00:09:24,911 --> 00:09:28,074
No. J- Just in the backyard
with our son, Eddie.
131
00:09:28,147 --> 00:09:31,776
But he had to give it up.
He kept catching his head
in the hoop.
132
00:09:33,319 --> 00:09:36,618
- How about his weight?
- Three spins.
133
00:09:36,689 --> 00:09:38,418
Three spins?
134
00:09:38,491 --> 00:09:40,482
Yes. When he gets
on the bathroom scale...
135
00:09:40,560 --> 00:09:43,461
you know the little dial...
well, it spins around three times.
136
00:09:45,331 --> 00:09:47,265
Put down "heavy."
137
00:09:47,333 --> 00:09:50,200
How does he wear his hair?
138
00:09:50,270 --> 00:09:53,262
Well, um, he wears it
a little long on the sides...
139
00:09:53,339 --> 00:09:55,273
and, uh, flat on top.
140
00:09:55,341 --> 00:09:58,037
- Ears?
- Mm-hmm, two.
141
00:09:58,111 --> 00:10:01,012
Oh, they're not a matched set,
but only the family can tell.
142
00:10:03,383 --> 00:10:06,819
Herman has a very
distinguished lantern jaw...
143
00:10:06,886 --> 00:10:08,911
and piercing eyes.
144
00:10:08,988 --> 00:10:12,822
And, um, a classic nose.
Oh, and an overhanging forehead.
145
00:10:12,892 --> 00:10:14,826
Overhanging forehead?
146
00:10:14,894 --> 00:10:18,193
Yes. It keeps the water
out of his eyes
when he's in the shower.
147
00:10:18,264 --> 00:10:21,392
Any, uh, scars or birthmarks?
148
00:10:21,467 --> 00:10:23,833
No. Oh.
149
00:10:23,903 --> 00:10:26,701
He does have
a cute little dimple...
right here.
150
00:10:26,773 --> 00:10:29,606
- Dimple?
- It's about five inches long,
151
00:10:29,676 --> 00:10:33,339
and this wide and all "jaggedy."
152
00:10:35,348 --> 00:10:38,715
Do you suppose you could
have him followed
and find out what he's up to?
153
00:10:38,785 --> 00:10:42,983
Well, uh, I tell you, Mrs. Munster,
we're pretty busy right now.
154
00:10:43,056 --> 00:10:47,925
We got a lot of husbands to follow.
It always happens when
the warm weather sets in.
155
00:10:50,129 --> 00:10:53,587
Uh, suppose I talk this over
with my partner,
156
00:10:53,666 --> 00:10:55,998
and we'll get right back to you.
157
00:10:56,069 --> 00:10:59,766
Well, l-I certainly hope
you don't find out
it's another woman.
158
00:10:59,839 --> 00:11:01,898
I'd hate to lose Herman.
159
00:11:01,975 --> 00:11:04,136
He's one in a million.
160
00:11:08,481 --> 00:11:10,472
One in a million?
161
00:11:10,550 --> 00:11:14,452
From the description,
I'd say the odds are
a lot higher than that.
162
00:11:14,520 --> 00:11:17,045
Mike, I'd hate to put
one of our men on this case.
163
00:11:17,123 --> 00:11:19,057
The whole thing
sounds so weird.
164
00:11:19,125 --> 00:11:21,218
There's no telling
what might happen.
165
00:11:21,294 --> 00:11:23,922
Yeah, but...
[Phone Ringing]
166
00:11:26,199 --> 00:11:28,133
Kempner Detective Agency.
167
00:11:28,201 --> 00:11:30,294
This is 702 speaking.
168
00:11:30,370 --> 00:11:33,066
I mailed an application
and called you several times
last week.
169
00:11:34,440 --> 00:11:37,932
It's that crank
who calls himself 702
calling back.
170
00:11:38,011 --> 00:11:40,980
You know,
that boob who wants
to be a detective?
171
00:11:41,047 --> 00:11:42,981
Shall I tell him
to get lost again?
172
00:11:43,049 --> 00:11:46,075
Wait a minute.
We got nothing to lose.
173
00:11:46,152 --> 00:11:50,384
Why don't we put him
on this case, have him follow
this Munster character?
174
00:11:50,456 --> 00:11:54,358
If he gets his head bashed in,
at least the union won't be
on our necks.
175
00:11:57,397 --> 00:12:00,161
Uh, look, uh, 702,
176
00:12:00,233 --> 00:12:02,565
we got a case for you.
177
00:12:02,635 --> 00:12:05,229
Ajealous woman wants
her husband followed.
178
00:12:05,304 --> 00:12:07,568
We'll send you the details.
You take it from there.
179
00:12:07,640 --> 00:12:10,040
Oh, golly. Oh, gee.
180
00:12:10,109 --> 00:12:13,169
But don't send it to my house.
Uh, send it to my place of business.
181
00:12:13,246 --> 00:12:15,510
Oh, and use my code name.
182
00:12:15,581 --> 00:12:17,549
I don't want anyone to know
what I'm up to.
183
00:12:17,617 --> 00:12:19,551
Good-bye.
184
00:12:19,619 --> 00:12:22,019
Oh, boy! Oh, boy! Oh, boy!
[Laughing]
185
00:12:22,088 --> 00:12:24,386
I'm a detective!
I'm a detective!
186
00:12:25,992 --> 00:12:28,051
Now, Grandpa,
187
00:12:28,127 --> 00:12:31,927
the agency sent me
this description of the man
I'm supposed to follow.
188
00:12:31,998 --> 00:12:35,297
Evidently he goes out
late at night without
any explanation,
189
00:12:35,368 --> 00:12:38,064
and his wife is suspicious.
190
00:12:38,137 --> 00:12:41,004
This man is a philanderer.
191
00:12:41,074 --> 00:12:43,907
Herman, this man is a bum!
192
00:12:43,976 --> 00:12:45,910
That's what he is!
193
00:12:45,978 --> 00:12:49,470
Be that as it may.
According to lesson 12
of the correspondence course,
194
00:12:49,549 --> 00:12:52,814
the first thing to do
is make a composite drawing
of the suspect.
195
00:12:52,885 --> 00:12:55,786
I suppose
you could do that.
Fine.
196
00:12:55,855 --> 00:12:58,255
Now, you read the description
while I make the drawing,
197
00:12:58,324 --> 00:13:02,260
like the shrewd,
well-trained detective I am.
198
00:13:02,328 --> 00:13:04,262
Good.
[Groans]
199
00:13:07,366 --> 00:13:10,130
What's the matter?
200
00:13:10,203 --> 00:13:12,296
Somebody stole my crayon!
201
00:13:12,371 --> 00:13:15,807
Will you calm down?
Here. Here's a pencil.
202
00:13:15,875 --> 00:13:17,809
Oh, thank you, Grandpa.
203
00:13:20,279 --> 00:13:22,747
What's the matter now?
204
00:13:22,815 --> 00:13:25,306
There's no point on it.
205
00:13:25,384 --> 00:13:28,046
Give me that.
206
00:13:28,121 --> 00:13:31,090
[Grinding]
207
00:13:32,892 --> 00:13:34,883
Thank you.
208
00:13:39,298 --> 00:13:42,734
Now, you read the description
of the man I'm supposed to follow...
209
00:13:42,802 --> 00:13:45,362
while I make the sketch.
210
00:13:45,438 --> 00:13:48,134
Good.
211
00:13:48,207 --> 00:13:50,175
Now,
212
00:13:50,243 --> 00:13:52,609
"Height: 7 foot 3."
213
00:13:54,447 --> 00:13:57,575
My, he's a big one.
214
00:13:57,650 --> 00:13:59,709
"Weight: Heavyset.
215
00:14:01,888 --> 00:14:05,255
"Hair: Long on the sides,
216
00:14:05,324 --> 00:14:07,588
very flat on top."
217
00:14:07,660 --> 00:14:09,685
Long on sides,
218
00:14:09,762 --> 00:14:12,026
flat on top.
219
00:14:16,469 --> 00:14:18,403
What are you looking at?
220
00:14:18,471 --> 00:14:21,133
Nothing.
221
00:14:21,207 --> 00:14:24,734
"Ears: Do not match."
222
00:14:24,810 --> 00:14:26,801
"Ears do not match."
223
00:14:33,252 --> 00:14:35,686
What are you
looking at now?
Nothing.
224
00:14:37,123 --> 00:14:39,057
"Lantern jaw."
225
00:14:40,693 --> 00:14:42,627
"Lantern jaw."
226
00:14:42,695 --> 00:14:45,186
"Piercing eyes."
227
00:14:46,699 --> 00:14:48,633
"Piercing eyes."
228
00:14:48,701 --> 00:14:53,001
"Classic nose."
"Classic nose."
229
00:14:54,106 --> 00:14:58,042
Lantern jaw, piercing eyes,
classic nose.
230
00:14:59,145 --> 00:15:02,706
Ist das nicht ein classic nose?
231
00:15:02,782 --> 00:15:06,149
Ja, das ist ein classic nose.
232
00:15:06,219 --> 00:15:09,780
Flat on top, lantern jaw,
long on sides,
233
00:15:09,855 --> 00:15:11,789
piercing eyes, classic nose.
234
00:15:11,857 --> 00:15:15,122
Oh, du sch�ne, oh, du sch�ne,
oh, du sch�ne classic nose.
235
00:15:15,194 --> 00:15:17,492
Herman, will you knock it off?
236
00:15:17,563 --> 00:15:20,464
I'm sorry, Grandpa.
I guess I just got carried away.
237
00:15:21,801 --> 00:15:24,497
After all,
I was made in Germany.
238
00:15:24,570 --> 00:15:26,504
[Chuckling]
239
00:15:27,840 --> 00:15:30,570
"Protruding brows."
240
00:15:30,643 --> 00:15:32,804
"Protruding brows."
241
00:15:36,315 --> 00:15:38,249
What are you looking at now?
242
00:15:38,317 --> 00:15:40,251
Nothing.
243
00:15:41,954 --> 00:15:44,684
"Jagged dimple on forehead."
244
00:15:44,757 --> 00:15:47,089
"Jagged dimple on forehead."
245
00:15:50,196 --> 00:15:53,962
Gotcha. Well, Grandpa?
246
00:15:54,033 --> 00:15:57,764
Here's what the poor boob looks like.
247
00:15:59,171 --> 00:16:01,105
What's the matter?
248
00:16:01,173 --> 00:16:04,973
Herman, I've got news for you.
249
00:16:05,044 --> 00:16:07,877
This poor boob... is you!
250
00:16:07,947 --> 00:16:10,575
Me? No.
251
00:16:10,650 --> 00:16:13,642
No, i-i-it couldn't be me.
252
00:16:13,719 --> 00:16:16,779
Grandpa, this man
is a philanderer.
253
00:16:16,856 --> 00:16:19,950
If I were chasing women,
I'd be the first one to know it.
254
00:16:22,962 --> 00:16:25,590
Wait a minute, Herman.
I've got the answer
to the whole thing.
255
00:16:25,665 --> 00:16:27,792
Look, it says here...
256
00:16:27,867 --> 00:16:30,495
that the woman who wants
this man followed...
257
00:16:30,569 --> 00:16:32,503
is Mrs. Lily Munster.
258
00:16:34,073 --> 00:16:36,098
But why would Lily
want me followed?
259
00:16:36,175 --> 00:16:38,109
Because you've been
going out at night.
260
00:16:38,177 --> 00:16:42,136
She hired the detective agency
to find out what you've been up to.
261
00:16:42,214 --> 00:16:44,148
Oh, I get it.
262
00:16:44,216 --> 00:16:46,684
Then the man
I'm supposed to follow
is Herman Munster.
263
00:16:46,752 --> 00:16:48,686
Right.
264
00:16:52,825 --> 00:16:55,919
Herman, may I ask
what you're doing?
265
00:16:55,995 --> 00:16:58,520
Th-There must be a chapter
on how to follow yourself.
266
00:17:01,033 --> 00:17:05,094
Herman, look,
you can't tell Lily
you're a detective.
267
00:17:05,171 --> 00:17:08,572
But I have a scheme.
Now, you go out tonight...
268
00:17:08,641 --> 00:17:11,405
and stay out as late as usual.
269
00:17:11,477 --> 00:17:15,004
Then, then as Agent 702,
270
00:17:15,081 --> 00:17:19,745
you file a very favorable report
on Herman Munster.
271
00:17:19,819 --> 00:17:22,117
The agency gives
this report to Lily.
272
00:17:22,188 --> 00:17:26,648
Lily is happy, you're happy,
and the agency is happy!
273
00:17:30,596 --> 00:17:33,622
Marilyn, I want you
to sit over there on the sofa.
274
00:17:33,699 --> 00:17:36,224
Grandpa, in your chair.
275
00:17:36,302 --> 00:17:38,236
And Herman,
276
00:17:38,304 --> 00:17:41,330
I want you to sit right here
so you'll be next to me.
277
00:17:46,212 --> 00:17:48,737
Oh, why all
the formality, Aunt Lily?
278
00:17:48,814 --> 00:17:51,214
It almost seems like
the reading of a will.
279
00:17:51,283 --> 00:17:53,751
I'm afraid it's not
that happy an occasion.
280
00:17:53,819 --> 00:17:57,448
- Then, uh, what is it, Lily?
- I've brought you all together...
281
00:17:57,523 --> 00:17:59,718
because a certain member
of our family...
282
00:17:59,792 --> 00:18:03,694
has indulged in many
unexplained absences
in the evenings.
283
00:18:03,763 --> 00:18:07,358
Now, rather than accuse
this person unjustly,
284
00:18:07,433 --> 00:18:10,732
I have had
this woman chaser followed.
285
00:18:10,803 --> 00:18:12,737
How do you like that, Grandpa?
286
00:18:12,805 --> 00:18:15,797
My own wife, Lily,
has had me followed.
287
00:18:16,809 --> 00:18:20,973
I can't believe it.
Now, what kind of creatures
are we turning into?
288
00:18:21,046 --> 00:18:23,480
Anyway, I got this report...
289
00:18:23,549 --> 00:18:26,382
from the detective agency
this morning.
290
00:18:26,452 --> 00:18:29,910
And I'm going to
read it right now...
in front of all of you.
291
00:18:29,989 --> 00:18:32,219
Go right ahead, Lily.
292
00:18:32,291 --> 00:18:34,657
I'm ready for the worst.
293
00:18:35,628 --> 00:18:39,394
"Report submitted by Agent 702
on Herman Munster.
294
00:18:39,465 --> 00:18:42,059
"8:17, suspect left house.
295
00:18:42,134 --> 00:18:45,331
"8:20, suspect patted
stray dog on head.
296
00:18:45,404 --> 00:18:49,170
"Proceeded to Maple Avenue.
Helped old lady across street.
297
00:18:50,176 --> 00:18:52,440
"9:06, attended church.
298
00:18:52,511 --> 00:18:55,571
"9:38, prevented man
from beating horse.
299
00:18:57,550 --> 00:19:00,519
9:41, attended church."
300
00:19:00,586 --> 00:19:04,249
Well, so far, it sounds like
an evening with Pat Boone.
301
00:19:04,323 --> 00:19:08,885
"10:03, followed suspect
to Gaiety Burlesque Theater."
302
00:19:08,961 --> 00:19:10,929
Oh, Uncle Herman!
303
00:19:14,733 --> 00:19:19,727
"10:04, suspect crossed street
to avoid Gaiety Burlesque Theater.
304
00:19:22,842 --> 00:19:26,608
10:15, suspect entered
Rudy's Bar and Grill."
305
00:19:26,679 --> 00:19:30,308
Aha! "10:16, suspect
showed picture...
306
00:19:30,382 --> 00:19:33,249
"of wife and child to Rudy.
307
00:19:33,319 --> 00:19:35,617
Refused free beer. '"
308
00:19:35,688 --> 00:19:38,282
I always carry that picture.
[Snorts]
309
00:19:38,357 --> 00:19:41,758
"10:30, visited park.
Fed starving pigeons.
310
00:19:41,827 --> 00:19:43,795
"Bought matches
from little match girl.
311
00:19:44,964 --> 00:19:47,194
"Attended church.
Came home.
312
00:19:48,667 --> 00:19:50,601
"Found wife asleep.
313
00:19:51,737 --> 00:19:54,205
"Kissed wife good night.
314
00:19:54,273 --> 00:19:56,798
Went to bed. '"
315
00:19:56,876 --> 00:19:59,902
Herman, I'm so sorry.
316
00:20:00,946 --> 00:20:03,847
L-I never should have
blamed you...
317
00:20:03,916 --> 00:20:06,885
for doing anything wrong,
pussycat.
318
00:20:06,952 --> 00:20:09,318
L-I'll never
mistrust you again...
319
00:20:09,388 --> 00:20:11,322
in all my lives.
320
00:20:12,958 --> 00:20:16,519
There, there, Lily.
Uh, I forgive you, dear.
321
00:20:17,530 --> 00:20:20,124
Uh, but I always want you
to remember this...
322
00:20:20,199 --> 00:20:23,464
I want you to remember
one thing.
323
00:20:23,536 --> 00:20:27,131
In the great vegetable market
of life,
324
00:20:27,206 --> 00:20:30,198
I have never been one
to pinch the tomatoes.
325
00:20:46,191 --> 00:20:48,523
- Herman!
- [Gasps]
326
00:20:50,796 --> 00:20:52,957
You're not going out
again tonight.
327
00:20:53,032 --> 00:20:55,899
You want to get
in trouble again?
No, Grandpa.
328
00:20:56,936 --> 00:20:59,564
It's just that I did
such a good job as Agent 702,
329
00:20:59,638 --> 00:21:02,539
the Kempner Agency called me up
and gave me another case.
330
00:21:02,608 --> 00:21:04,542
I'm gonna be a bodyguard.
331
00:21:04,610 --> 00:21:08,011
There's some poor unfortunate woman
whose husband has been threatening her.
332
00:21:08,080 --> 00:21:10,674
And my orders are,
if he comes around,
333
00:21:10,749 --> 00:21:13,684
not to get violent,
just scare him away.
334
00:21:13,752 --> 00:21:15,982
[Laughing]
You?
335
00:21:16,055 --> 00:21:18,148
How could you scare anybody?
336
00:21:24,330 --> 00:21:26,298
[Honks]
337
00:21:28,434 --> 00:21:31,801
It's nice of you to help me
with my charity drive tonight, Marilyn.
338
00:21:31,870 --> 00:21:35,670
With all these problems,
I've been neglecting
my house-to-house calls.
339
00:21:35,741 --> 00:21:38,710
Well, Bundles for Transylvania
is a worthy cause.
340
00:21:38,777 --> 00:21:41,575
Why, back in the Old Country
they should get down
on all fours...
341
00:21:41,647 --> 00:21:44,172
and thank you
for what you've done.
342
00:21:44,249 --> 00:21:46,183
Come on, dear.
Let's go.
343
00:21:51,857 --> 00:21:54,883
I, um, l-I just wanted
to thank you, Mr. Kempner,
344
00:21:54,960 --> 00:21:59,226
for sending over a bodyguard
wearing such a frightening disguise.
345
00:21:59,298 --> 00:22:03,359
Yes. Yes, I'm sure
he'll scare my husband away
if he comes around.
346
00:22:03,435 --> 00:22:05,869
[Gasps]
Oh, and, um,
347
00:22:05,938 --> 00:22:10,966
I want to apologize for fainting
when Agent 702 showed up.
348
00:22:11,043 --> 00:22:15,309
Yes. For a minute
I thought he really
looked like that.
349
00:22:15,381 --> 00:22:18,248
Yes. Well, thank you again,
Mr. Kempner.
350
00:22:18,317 --> 00:22:20,251
Good-bye.
351
00:22:25,324 --> 00:22:29,158
You're sure I can't get you
some coffee or something?
352
00:22:29,228 --> 00:22:32,425
Oh, no, thank you.
I'm-I'm very comfy.
353
00:22:32,498 --> 00:22:35,467
[Doorbell Rings]
354
00:22:36,969 --> 00:22:39,369
Don't worry.
I'll get it.
355
00:22:48,213 --> 00:22:51,341
[Doorbell Rings]
[No Audible Dialogue]
356
00:22:53,485 --> 00:22:55,680
Good evening.
I'm collecting for...
357
00:22:55,754 --> 00:22:58,222
Herman!
What are you doing here?
358
00:22:58,290 --> 00:23:00,724
Oh, Lily.
359
00:23:00,793 --> 00:23:04,194
W-Well, you see, l...
[Woman]
If that's my husband, get rid ofhim.
360
00:23:04,263 --> 00:23:07,255
Uncle Herman!
Eh... Lily,
361
00:23:07,332 --> 00:23:11,962
you may not believe this,
but I'm Secret Agent 702.
362
00:23:12,037 --> 00:23:15,006
Herman, you may not
believe this,
363
00:23:15,074 --> 00:23:17,406
but I'm Sonny Liston!
364
00:23:21,480 --> 00:23:23,414
Come on, Marilyn.
365
00:23:28,654 --> 00:23:30,588
And when
the Kempner Detective Agency...
366
00:23:30,656 --> 00:23:32,954
gave me the job
of being bodyguard
to Mrs. Andrews,
367
00:23:33,025 --> 00:23:36,358
I was on my way
to fame and fortune
as a detective.
368
00:23:36,428 --> 00:23:40,159
Tsk. But tonight
when you knocked me out,
they fired me.
369
00:23:42,668 --> 00:23:45,296
There, there.
L-I'm sorry, dear.
370
00:23:45,370 --> 00:23:49,966
I had no idea you were
trying so hard to make good
for Eddie and me.
371
00:23:50,042 --> 00:23:52,101
Come on, Marilyn.
Let's go in the kitchen...
372
00:23:52,177 --> 00:23:54,941
and fix sweetie
a glass of warm milk.
373
00:23:59,651 --> 00:24:02,415
[Laughing]
Boy, Herman,
374
00:24:02,488 --> 00:24:05,582
you sure got yourself
into a mess this time.
375
00:24:05,657 --> 00:24:08,251
Don't worry, Grandpa.
I'll never try to be
a detective again.
376
00:24:08,327 --> 00:24:10,261
Good.
377
00:24:14,566 --> 00:24:16,500
But you know
something, Grandpa,
378
00:24:17,569 --> 00:24:20,003
I saw this ad in a magazine
at Mrs. Andrews's house...
379
00:24:20,072 --> 00:24:22,006
for something
where I can't fail.
380
00:24:22,074 --> 00:24:24,634
What ad?
See?
381
00:24:24,710 --> 00:24:26,678
I'm gonna study hairdressing
in my spare time...
382
00:24:26,745 --> 00:24:29,373
and make a fortune
with my own beauty parlor.
29384
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