Original subtitles

Hey, Hazel! Hey!

Keep it down. We're trying to watch "Oz" on HBO Ol?

Prison love is so much hotter in Spanish

His manacles are saying, "no,"

but his eyes are saying "si, si, si!"

Grace, you've got popcorn all over your lap!

Will, you don't have to--

Whoa, whoa! Oh, oh, oh!

I spilled some, too

All right, now-- Now no more TV till you clean your room

You're a mean mom

Look, Alison and Bob are staying here this weekend

and I'd just like to hide the fact that we live like rats in a bowling alley

Not Alison and Bob

I hate Alison and Bob Do I know Alison and Bob?

Alison's my cousin from L.A

She and her husband are gonna get married here in New York

so they're flying in to plan the wedding

Ok So, let me get this gay...

you have people coming over and they're staying here?

Yeah

Yet when I have people come over they can't stay here?

- Right - Am I crazy?

Is any of this making sense to anyone? Anyone?

It's simple, Jack

My people are responsible and respectful

whereas your people have been known to pee in the corner

I'm sorry

Unlike your thighs that argument doesn't retain water

So now, here's your chance to make it up to me

I have an aunt and uncle coming into town

I'd put them up but they're not attractive

Can they stay here?

Like you even have to ask

Of course not

You know what? I am sick of this!

I don't know why I stay in this abusive relationship

Oh, well, you must be Alison Pbbt!

What was that?

His mother accidentally dropped him on his head when he was a baby...

and then again on purpose last week

- Oh, ok - Hey

- How are you, buddy? - Good to see you

I've haven't seen you in so long God, we have so much to catch up on

- You still a lawyer? - You still an agent?

- Yeah - Yeah

And we're caught up

Let me get you a beer Where's Alison?

Oh, Ally can't fly for a couple days

Ear infection Got it from the cat

"Look, honey Radford's licking my ear."

Next thing you know that ear is so full of pus that it's--

Oh, pus, good

Got it. Yeah, so you'll be-- You'll be planning the whole thing by yourself?

Yeah, I registered for the gifts

Oh. Yeah I'm really excited

I'm so screwed I'm clueless without her

I need a woman to help me

- Well, I'm pretty busy, but I can-- - No, I meant a woman with, you know

- woman parts - Right

Alison has taste and class and style

Where am I gonna find a woman like that?

Holy crap!

I just found a huge ball of hair and dust under my night stand

It was like pulling out my own head

What?

�� & �׷��̽� 4���� ���Ǽҵ� 21 (Wedding Balls)

- Is this your card? - No

- Is this your card? - No

- Is this your card? - No

- Is this your card? - No

- Is this your card? - I can't remember

Ta da!

That is so freaky, Karen How did you do that?

Oh, sorry, honey

A magician-- like a prostitute-- never reveals her tricks

Karen, take me to lunch

I'm in the mood for a Cobb salad with a side of thousand-dollar shopping

Can't. Will's coming over He's got something for me to sign

Oh! Will!

Do not say that name I am furious with him

Furious, I tell you!

Why?

I can sum it up in one word-- He doesn't respect me

Ooh, I've got a nice idea

Why don't we be cold and bitchy to him?

You know, like I was to the losers on the playground when I was a kid...

and yesterday at Olivia's kick ball game

That's brill

We'll freeze Will out

God, Karen sometimes I love you so much

I could conk you over the head with a coconut

and drag you into my fireplace!

Oh, honey...

you're gonna make me mnpretend to cry

That's so sweet

Ladies

- Hmm! - Hmm!

Ok

Karen, here's that paperwork we talked about

It prevents your house staff from making any legal claims

against you for mistreatment

So, as long as God's looking the other way, we should be fine

Oh, Jack could you come here for a moment?

What are you doing?

Excuse me, we're talking!

I hear all of Will's ties are made out of boogers

I hear he got a boredom woody during study hall

Oh, I get it

You're bitchy school girls trying to snub me

If only there was some way I could turn my pain into grim determination

and become a wildly successful lawyer

while the two bitchy girls grow up to become two bitchy women

Someone's got a big vocabulary and a little dictionary

Just give me a signature

The sooner you get that over with

the sooner you two Heathers can get back to your heathering

Hey! Listen!

Don't you tell me what to do!

Or I will rip you a new-- hold on a second

You're reading The Marriage of Equals?!

So am I

- You're reading The Marriage of Equals? - Yes, honey, I love this book!

Look, I can't put it down

Me, neither!

Hmm!

You know, I have been dying to talk to somebody about this book

Oh Me, too

You know, I was gonna have my staff read it

but I was worried that knowledge leads to freedom

You know, that is so something Diane would say

Look, I gotta go

but, you know if you ever want to get together

and talk about the book you just call me

You know, honey

- I think I will - Ok

Hmm! Hmm! Hmm!

I think your poodle needs to piddle

Ok, here we go

Why don't we start with something simple

like wine glasses

- Come on, Bob - Ok

You just-- just trust your instincts, ok?

You know what Alison likes You cannot make a mistake

- I kind of like this set-- - Ooh

What?

Uh, nothing

Oh, maybe this one's better--

I can't do it Take this. Take it

This is exactly why Alison doesn't like me

Ok, but these are your gifts

If there is anything that you do not like you just-- you say it, ok?

Ok. Ok Now. Now, see

I-- I think these are nice

- What do you think? - Yeah. Sure

Ok Great, see?

Oh! Oh! That's good Ok, um, and--

and you need some salad plates 'cause they're the perfect size

- for Cinnabuns - Ok

Oh, serving plates? Such a scam

No one ever uses them You need 6

Ok. Ok Oh! Ok

Toaster , roaster coaster , shmo-ster

Ok, I'm not delusional

I know it's a blender I just had a thing going

Ooh

Wrap him up I'll take him to go

Hey, Will Hey, Grace

Karen... this isn't Grace This is a bag of garbage

Oh, silly me How could I make that mistake...

twice

Hey, so where are you in the book?

Oh! Diane just found out about Mark's affair

- Wait till you find out who it's with - Oh, honey, I know who it's with!

You think you do, but you don't

- It's not-- - Uh-uh

- Is it-- - Maybe

Oh! You little book tease

No, but listen, though I really have to ask you something

I did not understand the part

where Diane blacked out in the middle of an argument

and woke up spooning her maid

What--?

She didn't, you did

Yeah, that makes more sense

Hey... listen, you want to come in?

I could open up a bottle of wine talk about the book

Honey, that's a nice idea Thank you

I'm coming down, anyway so it'll make for a nice, soft landing

Oh, hey, Kar Come on, let's go

We're gonna go to Bea Arthur's one-woman show

and yell out "Maude!"

- Oh. Right - That's ok. We'll do it another time

Oh, but honey, I'm dying to find out about Diane and Mark

It is so great

At one point in the argument I mean, you're totally on Diane's side

And then it turns, and you find yourself completely sympathizing with Mark

It's exactly the way I felt about the Meg Ryan/Dennis Quaid relationship

God, are you guys still talking about that stupid book?

I swear, the way you go on about it

you'd think it had pictures of naked men frolicking

Does it?

All right, I knew it was stupid

Come on, Karen, let's go We're gonna be late

Honey, honey, honey I'm gonna take a rain check, ok?

I just really need to find out about this one part

But I don't want to go the show alone

Well, uh, here, take Grace

Ok, invitations? Done

Flowers? Done

And I've narrowed it down to two bands--

either a Kool and the Gang tribute band or Kool and the Gang

Now, about the cake?

Yeah. Can we go back to the flowers just for a second?

Why?

I just wasn't sure about the calla lilies

- I am - Ok

Ok, now, the cake

I have samples from six bakeries

Whoa, whoa, whoa Is there ice cream cake?

Yeah. We're gonna have it right under the piata

What is this, your 10th birthday?

No, no You are going to love these

Ok, here we go

Mmm~~~

- Oh, are they good? - Oh, fantastic

Oh!

Oh, my God

Oh, carrot cake Boo

Oh, hello, Will. Perfect timing I'm picking out my cake!

Slow down there, Augustus Gloop

You don't want to get sucked up into the pipe

Sorry

I say we go for the chocolate

Oh, wait Alison's allergic to chocolate

They can make her a fruit plate

Oh, that is so good All right, I need milk

- You, uh... you ok there, Bob? - Oh, yeah, yeah

Grace is amazing Although she can get a little scary

Don't tell her I said that

Yeah, just hold on-- hold on a sec

What? I'm gonna finish it

You having fun planning the wedding?

- Yeah - You're doing a great job

Thanks

It's gonna be a lot easier when Alison gets here

- Who? - That's what I thought

I know it's just a book signing

but I had the hardest time trying to figure out what to wear

I must have changed my shirt, like, 8 times

I guess I just want her to like me

I don't know why

What are you doing?

Oh, I can't remember which one of these I put the booze behind

Karen, this isn't your home this is--

Oh, here we go

Ahh, yes Right here in self help

Hi, everybody I'm Rita Pigeon

Thank you

And thank you for coming out today and supporting my book

I hope you all appreciate the irony of my title, The Marriage of Equals

My editor didn't think it would sell as well

if I used my original title Women Are Just Better

She's funny

Now, before I read are there any questions?

Honey, I want to ask one

Ok

Hi, my name is Anastasia Beaverhausen

Tell me, did you intend the reader to have an erotic reaction

to the grizzly murder of the well-muscled handyman?

Did you have one?

I had 3

- Then yes - Ok

Uh, sir, you had a question?

Karen, what are you doing here?

We had important plans to go get bikini waxes

- Poodle, not now - Yes, now!

I've been steaming my genitals all day

It cuts down the irritation on my wenis

Come on, let's go

- She wants to stay - She wants to go

- She wants to stay - She wants to go

She wants to stay

Now, go faster and talk dirty

- Shh! - What?

Oh, suddenly, you know what's best for her?

What, you couldn't go find a real person to hang out with

so you get Karen?

Ah!

I'm sorry, sir do you have a question?

Yes, sir, I have a question

Why does your book tear people apart?

- I don't think it does - I think it does, Maude!

Maybe you could be a little more specific in your analysis

Oh, don't try to confuse us by speaking French

Because of your book

my two friends have formed this sick little club...

and I've tried everything to get back with them

I even came this close to reading the damn thing!

So tell me, sir

how many more people's lives do you intend to ruin

with your-- with your writing

and your poorly selected jacket photo?

- Jack-- - It's too late!

Hey, Bob, it's me

I'm at the bridal shop Where are you?

Really? What are you doing?

No No morning coats

No. No ascots

No No tails

Ok, sweetie?

You pick out whatever you want as long as it rhymes with regular tuxedo

Ok. Bye

Hi

I am here to pick up a veil--Alison Polette

Here you go They really did a lovely job

Yeah, they did

Want to try it on with the dress?

Oh, I--I couldn't That wouldn't be right

I'm not even the-- Where's the dressing room?

Right back there

- Oh, hi. Hi - Hi

Um, I'm Mona and-- and this is Lucy

And we're not sure what her name is

She got her jaw wired shut so she could fit into her dress

Um, uh, so where do I, uh--

- Oh, oh. You go behind the screen - Oh. Ok

So, when's the wedding?

Oh, August 10th His mother's birthday

And maybe we'll cut the umbilical cord on that day, too

Oh, honey, I don't know what we're gonna do about Jack

What are you talking about? He's a grown man

He's just gonna have to accept the fact that we're friends

What?

Honey, you called us friends

Well, we are friends

Oh! Oh. Oh, that's rich Come on!

A friend is someone you gossip about

and make out with when your husband's in the hospital

We just read the same book

What do you we were--

we were hanging out, having fun You showed me your boobs

Honey, I show everyone my boobs

Ok?

I showed Ed Koch my boobs at Starbucks the other day

Back off, desperado!

Well, maybe you were too boozed out to notice

but we had a relationship going!

Save it, lady

I wouldn't be friends with you if you were the last woman on earth!

Why am I even trying to be friends with you, anyway?

No matter how many uppers you take you're still a downer

- Bitch! - Witch!

- Ho! - Mo!

Will, thanks for bringing me down here!

I know I missed out on everything

but at least I can get fitted for my wedding dress!

Yeah

You're talking really loudly I think your ears are still plugged

What?!

Oh, my god! That dress makes her look like a cow!

Ok, now you're-- now--now you're screaming

Everybody can hear you

Uh, let me handle this

We're here to pick up a veil for Alison Polette

Oh, Alison's here already She's trying on a dress

- Oh, jeez - There's cheese here?

Uh, Grace, are you in there I hope you're not doing--

--anything crazy

Hi

- What do you think? - You look beautiful

Really? I think it needs to be taken in

Yeah. Honey, I think maybe you need to be taken in

Sweetie, look-- Look at me

You're not getting married

I know

I'm never gonna wear one of these things, am I?

Oh. Sweetie You're a beautiful, intelligent woman

and somewhere out--

Don't give me the stock best friend response

Be honest

This may never happen for me

You know what? It--It may not

- Thank you for telling me the truth - You're welcome

Damn, that was harsh What were you thinking?

- What? But-- You just ask me to-- - I don't care

You know me better than that

The next time I ask you to tell me the truth

you give me the stock best friend response

Ok You're beautiful

you're gonna meet a doctor tomorrow and you'll be married by the weekend

Thank you

Hi! You must be Grace I'm Alison

- Hi - Hi

Thank you so much for everything Bob's pretty useless, isn't he?

Is that my dress?

- Uh, yeah, I'm taking this right off-- - You know, it's ok, it's ok. I get it

My older sister's single I'll wait outside

So, are you gonna take that off willingly

or do I have to rip it off you like a Benny Hill sketch?

Just two more minutes?

Oh, sweetie...

No

Thanks