Original subtitles

Ok

What does this say to you?

It says...

this is our busiest night at Fuddruckers; I can't seat you without a reservation

Come on! It's my first day teaching that design seminar

You know, at The New School? I wanna look nice

So, do you think you're gonna sleep with any of your students?

Will, it's interior design

The whole class is gonna be nothing but women and gay guys

So, you'll give it your best shot

Good morning, Will

My word, you're stunning

That was you taking my breath away

Then how come I can tell you had tuna for breakfast?

Looks like somebody's sense of humor's had a tune-up

Um, I'm here to help you

help me help you help me

Help you help me help you

Ok, ok, ok, stop it...

before I help you help me hurt you

Ok, here's the scoop, Jackson

Elliot's got a basketball tournament in Connecticut this weekend

All the dads are going, but my boss Dorleen the Whore-leen

is making me do inventory

So, will you take him? Please? I'll be up on Saturday

Please just say yes, I promise I won't ask for anything else again!

- Ok - Damn you, Will!

Damn your shiny, pointy face and your sarcastic quips!

Hey, lord of the ring dings

I said I'd do it

Oh. Sorry I wasn't listening

It will be fun

Elliot and I never get to spend any time together

Nice to have the opportunity to get to know him a little before your genetics take over

and he turns into a screeching howler monkey

You know what?!

Hi, honey Sorry, I'm late

Where should I take my clothes off?

Karen, you can't take your clothes off This is a classroom, not a park

Honey, don't you remember?

You asked me to be your T and A

T. A.

Teacher's...Assistant

Oh!

Well, that makes more sense

So, where should I take my clothes off?

- Hello? - Hi! Hi!

Come on in! Welcome

Oh, Lord

There's a lot of gay guy-straight girl couples

It's like a hologram of your past relationships

That's nice

Hello, everyone

I'm Professor Ms. Grace Adler

And I would like to welcome you to Introduction

to Interior Design by Professor Ms. Grace Adler

Over the next 3 days, you will hear about a fast-paced world of upscale clients

magazine covers and 6-figure commissions

But first, in order to truly understand contemporary interior design

one must go back a bit

Back to 3,000 B.C��

Will, thanks a lot for doing this I know this isn't exactly your thing

Hey, it's not like I'm new to the world of sports

You know what? When I was 11

I begged my dad to buy me this pastry bag

with an assortment of rosette tips

so I could bake a poodle cake for my friend Jenny's confirmation

And he, uh...

he sent me to a sports camp to butch me up

Let me tell you something my baseball diamond cakes?

Very big hit

Huh. Oh, yeah.Yeah, I hear that's how Derek Jeter got started

I'll go sign us in

Hey. I'm, uh, Ken

Uh, Scott's father You must be Elliot's dad

Actually, no, I'm his dad's best friend I'm Will Truman

- Oh, hi - Hi

- Got any kids of your own, Will? - Not yet

That's probably why you look so rested

No, that's just a good moisturizing routine and a nighttime gel mask

What are you, gay, Will?

Yep.

Member since 1985

Yeah, if I hang on for one more year I get triple miles

Wow

I've never met a gay guy before

- Really? - Yeah

Well, statistically, if you haven't met one then you must be one

I'll see you around

Hey, Elliot

Oh, hey, Nancy

How was practice?

Good

Lindsay threw up bacon on the foul line and then her mom yelled at her

because they're kosher

Cool

Um, well, I gotta go to the girls' room

- Is that your girlfriend? - Shut up

Sorry, it just looked like she was into you

Yeah, whatever

- Really? - Oh, yeah

I had girls throw me that look a few times when I was your age

What, when you were making those cakes?

Look, I may not have won any basketball games

but when there was an art fair my hand-painted linens kicked ass!

Note the use of interior space in this limestone mastaba

located in a tomb near Giza

and built during the reign of Ramses II

That's right, boys and girls he was not just a condom

he was a pharaoh

Excuse me

Oh! A question Excellent

I saw P. Diddy's house on "MTV Cribs"

Do you know who did that?

Um, I heard that Michael Jackson has a sleigh bed made entirely out of bones

Is that true?

Ok, whoa, girls. Slow down

We're not even at the Trojan War yet

And again, not just a condom, a war

Mastaba

All right

Why don't we take a 5-minute break

so you can stretch your legs, get some coffee

guess how old your teacher is

26

Liar

When we return we will talk a little bit

about interior design after the birth of Jesus

Let's not forget Jesus was a carpenter

a carpenter who probably answered to an interior designer

Something to think about on your break!

Is three hours too long for a 5-minute break?

Ba ba bop-up ba ba ba ba bop-up

bup bup bup bup ba ba bop-up ba ba ba...

There he is Hey, Will

Hey! Hey

- It's, um, Ken, isn't it? - Yeah, yeah

Uh, this is Will Uh, the guy I was telling you about

Oh, so you're the gay guy

Yeah

Why, are you the torch-wielding villagers?

- Go ahead - No

Go ahead, go ahead

- Alan wants to ask you something - No, I don't wanna ask him

- You ask him - Oh, come on

don't be a f-- Just go

Well, you know I--I was thinking

you know, I-- I always imagine that

since you're all guys and everything and--

and there's no one there to say no

that, uh... you must be, like doing it constantly, right?

Oh... well, actually, I probably have sex no more than you guys

- Oh, I thought there'd be more - Why be gay?

- That��s disappointing - Oh, you know, you're thinking

I thought with the dancing and everything... / And the music...

Hey, Will, can I talk to you?

Sure, buddy What's up?

Um, well, Nancy and I were talking

and I was telling her about my band

and then all of a sudden she stopped talking

And I thought that she thought I was a dork, because, you know

I don't have a band?

And then, before I knew it we just--

we just sorta... kissed

Elliot, your first kiss! This is a big deal!

Dude! Chill out!

Yeah, it's just, I--I don't know what this means, you know?

I-i-is Nancy my girlfriend? Do I-- Do I have to start, like

paying for her food and telling her she's pretty all the time?

If that makes her your girlfriend Jack and I should be engaged by now

Yeah, but, you know, I don't-- I don't wanna mess this up

What if she stops liking me?

Look, if Nancy's anything like me

and most little Nancys are...

she's just as nervous as you are

So, take your time You'll be fine

- Really? - Yeah

Thanks, Will

You know what, I--I guess

I'm also kind of nervous about the big game tomorrow

Oh, yeah Well...

you could--you could do what I do but...

I don't know where we're gonna find cake flour and shortening around here

Hi Jack McFarland

I believe my reservation's under Vin Diesel

And if I'm not under Vin Diesel any cute guy will do

Hey

I wasn't expecting you until tonight

Well, we were doing inventory and Dorleen let me off early because

she said I have the attention span of a-- that is a fantastic blue!

We are sharing that! Come on, take it off

- I'm not taking it off - Oh, just for a second

- I'm not taking it off! - It's gonna be mine anyway!

Just take it off! Mine!

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!

Will, is everything all right here?

Is this guy giving you trouble because you're gay?

You'd better learn a little tolerance, buddy!

Ow! He tapped me pointedly

It's ok, guys This is a friend of mine

Oh Ohh!

He's the wife

We'll leave you two alone

You got yourself a real looker there

- What was that about? - I don't know

I think I'm their gay mascot

Hey, listen, so...

Elliot had his first kiss!

- He what?! - Yeah

You know, he was a little worried about it

but it's ok I talked him through

and he's fine

You what?

I helped him I gave him advice

and I was pretty good

Advice!

You d--

Oh! Oh-h-h-h-h-h

No!

You do not give him advice That is my job, I'm the father!

- What were you thinking? - Jack!

Don't Jack me!

You've crossed the line here, Will

I'm done with you

You hear me? Done!

A little help here? I'm trying to storm off

Get the hatbox! Let's go!

Hi, what's going on? What's happening?

What's the emergency?

I think I'm in trouble

Well, you came to the right place Here's what we're gonna do

We're gonna change your name get you a new face, and

ship you out of the country Here's your passport

"Rosario Salazar."

This is your maid's

She don't need it

She ain't going anywhere

Ok, ok, ok

Look, Karen

I--I--I ran into some ex-students at the coffee shop

and the only way that I could lure them back to class

was to promise them a tour of a celebrity apartment

Oh��/ Mm-hmm...

So, I need you to hook me up

with one of your famous friends

Sweet Grace!

Now, I'm gonna tell you something

and I don't want you to take it the wrong way

'cause you know I love you, yeah!

But, um... the reason that they're my friends is

because I don't introduce them to people like you

Ok, I gotta go

You're not going anywhere

Wh--! Oh! B--!

Look, you

you are the worst assistant on the planet

There are chimp assistants in the Congo who are better than you

Because of you, my phones don't get answered my faxes don't get faxed

I'm constantly getting mail for Grane Adloaf

but I put up with it and you know why?

Because I'm pretty?

No, because you're connected

You know everyone

That is all you do, and you are going to do that for me now

I'm calling in my chit

Grace! Language!

Honey, I'm not liking this visit

Honey, look, a cupcake!

I could do this forever, Karen

Just think about it

You could be stuck in this apartment for years

But I--I can't think of anyone!

Have I ever shown you the view of New Jersey from my bedroom window?

Oh, Katie Couric! I'll get you Katie Couric!

Hmm Katie

Not bad

Everyone's seen the interior of her colon

but no one's seen the interior of her apartment

Excuse me is this seat taken?

Uh, does it look like it's being taken?

- No - Well, it is

By my righteous anger

- Whoo - Ooh

- Jack-- - Go away!

You can't still be angry at this

Look, I got you a big foam finger

Now all you need is a big foam prostate

Leave me alone!

Moment stealer!

That's your new Indian name Moment stealer. Live with it!

- Go team - Whoo

Come on, he's a kid

You'll have other moments You'll have hundreds of moments

His first hickey his first fender-bender

and, if he truly is your kid his first restraining order

from Britney Spears

Don't give me that I'm mad at you

You have robbed me and I'll never get it back

Thank you!

While you two were running your mouths

your kid blew an easy lay-up with no time left

Talk English, man!

He lost the game

- I think your kid lost the game! - No, he didn't

- You wanna take this outside?! - Yeah!

Then go outside!

And could you throw this away for me? Thank you

I promise I'll be out I promise I'm going

I'll meet you out there Be right there

Poor Elliot He looks kind of miserable

Yeah Poor kid

I gotta split

Hey, wait! What are you talking about?

Isn't this what you wanted? A moment?

Well, I wanted a good moment not this one

This one sucks You take it

Jack!

Come on! I don't know anything about this!

About basketball, about scorn from a crowd full of men with farmer tans

Well, maybe not, but Elliot is feeling like a failure right now

and you know more about failure than any man I know

You're just saying that

No, I mean it, Jack

You're a huge failure

But you're also his father

and you love him and right now that's what he needs

Maybe you're right

You know what else?

I'm a little jealous of that

Wow, Will

Thank you for admitting you're jealous of me

It must be quite a load off to finally say it out loud

Ok. I just want you to know how gratifying it is

that you all came back

Well, we kind of just wanted to go to the famous person's house

How 'bout just giving me that one, huh? How 'bout it, jerky?

A bah da, bee ba tah��

Hey Ok, Karen, uh...

the van's out front, so, uh...

do you want us to follow you or...?

Sure, honey, where are we going?

Katie Couric's house

What are you saying?

To Katie Couric's house

I don't understand

- To Katie Couric's - Katie who?

- Katie Couric - Katie who?

- Katie Couric! - Oh!

- We're going to Katie Couric's house? - Oh, my god! I love her!

Yes, yes!

I mean, I wanted to keep it a surprise

but that's exactly where we're going You're getting what you want

so, let's go!

Ha ha ha!

Honey, honey...

Um, I don't know Katie Couric Hee hee hee!

- What? What? What? - Nope, nope

I don't believe you!

How could you lie about something like that?

Honey, I had to get out of that apartment! You had murder in your eyes

and spinach in your teeth!

Besides, you're the one who lied about

taking the students to a celebrity apartment

Wait, you lied to us?

There's no Katie?

- I'm outta here - Me, too!

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait! Don't leave, ok?

All right, look, look, look Just give me another chance

and I promise you will leave here inspired

And I'll buy some beer and my assistant will take her clothes off

Finally!

So what do you say?

Who wants to stay and...

learn some stuff?

Well, how about that?

I'm the worst thing to happen to interior design

since basketball players started making millions of dollars

Well, honey what do you expect?

Hey, it took me two years to fully realize

how wonderful you are

How long you think it's gonna take a bunch of shallow

self-involved kids all hopped up on booze and goofballs?

My guess, two years

- There he is - Oh, hey, hey, Will

- can we ask you something? - Ok, guys, guys, enough

Ok? It's very flattering

but I'm beginning to feel like a circus freak here

You know, we're-- we're all the same

We're just men I'm a regular guy, just like you

We were just going to ask if you wanted to grab a pizza with us

Oh. Oh, I can't eat that I'm off carbs this month

but there's a sweet little bistro downtown

- Yeah - Yeah, come on

Let's take a cab, though It's raining and I'm wearing suede shoes

They're nice

So, see, if happens to everyone

- Really? - Yeah, I promise

Oh, wait I got another one

So this one time I was doing my big finale

Send in the Clowns

I went out on that big stage and I got so nervous

I threw up twice

But the next night

I went back out on that stage I summoned up my courage

and I only threw up a little

In my mouth

Cool