Original subtitles

Oh, hey, you're back

Wow You missed one hell of a night

Yeah? What'd you do-- Watch "Providence,"

take a couple of antihistamines?

End a glass of chardonnay with an ice cube / Mmm!

It was like spring break for shut-ins

How'd it go with your parents?

Well, I thought I was gonna be sad you know, going back to the house...

dealing with the reality of their separation but you know what?

It actually turned out to be fairly devastating

- Oh, I'm sorry - Yeah

they've put the house on the market

so they told us kids just to take anything that really means something to us

Boy, I can't imagine doing that in my parent's house

Mainly because I've already stolen everything I liked

and everything else is crap

Well, I had to fight for it but I got something I love

Oh, good

Well, hopefully it Will be a reminder of all the good times

that you and your family

Aah!

What the hell is that freaky thing?!

His name's Squatsie

When I was 9, my brothers and I all chipped in

and got him for my parent's anniversary

Even though he wasn't really their taste

they loved us so much they put him right in the front garden

where everybody could see him

Oh, that's sweet

Do you think it'll fit down the chute or should we just take it to the dumpster?

Ok, I knew when I brought a gnome into this house that some would scoff

but I love him! We have been through a lot together

Haven't we, Squatsie?

Right you are, Will

You've always had a special place in me heart!

Oh, good

He talks, too

And I think I see the perfect place for him

Huh?

what do you think, Squats?

Oh, I like it here, Will

Um, may I offer one Squatsie-related thought?

Um, he strikes me as an outdoor gnome

I mean, 'cause, look he's already wearing a jacket

Why don't we...

keep him in our garden?

What? That community garden plot across the street?

I thought we got rid of that two years ago

Eh, there was this big form you had to fill out

It was less work just to pay the bill

Once again your sloth pays off

You know, this is a great idea

I used to sit in the garden and look at my gnome

and look at the flowers sing songs

Thinking about falling in love some day

I even used to make wishes on him

Did you wish to be gay? Because that one really came true

And, Karen, you know I wouldn't be asking for your help

if I didn't feel we were like family

I mean, God all we've been through

Oh, I know, honey You don't have to remind me

Well, you know our history together--

Those summers we spent in Sag Harbor

you and Stan me and Lorraine

Oh, Lorraine. Hmm

Good times

I'm sorry I have no idea who you are

Norman

Keep going

Stan's old partner

We started the mattress store together

- Mattress store... - Remember?

Then he wanted to branch out into other businesses

but I said, no I'll just not take any chances

So now I've got the one little store

and he's worth hundreds of millions of dollars

Schmucky Norman! Of course!

I need your help

We're getting killed by the big guys

and I need the money to make a T.V. commercial

Karen! Huge news!

Hello, sir

I just got back from my acting class and my teacher --

Zandra-with-a-"Z" --

said my monologue was the second worst she's ever seen

You hear that?

I'm getting better

Honey, give me a minute, ok?

I'm catching up here with my dear old friend...

Norman

Norman! Norman Norman, right

Listen, honey, since it means something to Stan

I'll throw a few shekels your way

What kind of commercial are we talking?

Oh, something simple for local cable

and because the store is called "Senor Mattress,"

I could be lying on one of the high-end posturepedics

wearing a sombrero

and Lorraine could come in all sexy and cootchie-cootchie and--

Honey, honey I'm gonna stop you right there

otherwise I'll never be able to drink solid foods again

I think we're gonna need a real actor

Yeah, well, let's see

Why don't you run on home and we'll talk in a couple of days, ok?

Oh, thank you, Karen I appreciate it

- Oh... - Good-bye

Good-bye, uh... uh...

- Norman! - Norman!

Whoo! Honey we're having auditions again

so break out the rulers and I'll heat up the oils

No! Karen, what about me?!

I could star in your commercial! / No...

I'm an actor!

Do I need to remind you

I almost just got that part in Seven Grooms for Seven Brothers?

Till that damn 15th guy showed up

Honey, this is not some trashy downtown skit

where you flit around in tights performing

for homeless men in cardboard RVs

We need a virile hunky, straight actor

Uh, hello! I could totally play straight!

Oh, honey, no one in the world would believe you're straight

You're as gay as a clutch purse on Tony night

You fell out of the gay tree hitting every gay branch on the way down

And you landed on a gay guy

And you did him

No, no, honey

your gayness can be seen from space

Why, you're so gay that--

And will you be needing your own trailer?

Steve, I'm sorry we haven't been here in a while

I mean We meant to

it's just that you know how life gets busy and exciting and gardening

sort of gets pushed to the bottom of the list

I wouldn't know This is all I have

- So which plot's ours? - Right here

Ta-da!

Wow

Well, our sun-dried tomatoes came in

I guess it's funny that you killed everything

Ok...

I may have gone a little overboard

but I figure we can afford it because of all the money

we're gonna save growing our own food

Well, you don't eat vegetables so unless we can grow a Ring-Ding bush

I really don't see that happening

Come on. Dig in I want to make it pretty for Squatsie

Yeah, let's get in there and start making things grow

But I'm gonna do it from over here

because I don't want to get my new gardening clothes dirty

Grace, come here, you wuss

Get your fingers in the earth

Connect with nature

It's almost spiritual, really Aah! A worm! A worm!

Kill it! Kill it!

Yuh!

Hey! Hey what are you doing

getting dirt all over my prize-winning lettuce?!

I'm sorry

We just had a really close call with a worm the size of a--

a really small snake

Hi, I'm Grace This is Will

You know what?

Let's get one thing straight, ok?

I come here to be alone not to socialize with

a couple of freaks growing hippie spinach

So keep your crap off my plot and we'll get along fine

Capisce?

Did he just say, "capisce"?

Whee! Ha ha ha!

Oh, I love the Game Show Network

Jack, when is your commercial gonna be on?

You've already made us sit through eight episodes of "Match Game 73."

If I have to watch one more

I'm gonna "blank" in my shorts

Oh, wait! Here it is! Here it is!

Has this ever happened to you?

Honey, are you awake?

Of course I'm awake I haven't slept in weeks

- Well, do you wanna-- - No! I'm tired, and I'm irritable

You're always tired and irritable

- I'm a man. I have needs - I don't care

Until we get a new mattress

you're not gonna lay a hand on me

Isn't there anyone out there who can help me?

Why don't you just pop in the shower and help yourself?

Shh! Shh!

So come on down to Senor Mattress

And I'll take care of all your needs

Muchos gracias, Senor Mattress

Gracias for everything!

Honey, that was really moving

You know I think I got a little misty...

Down there

Oh!

We should get going if we want to do some gardening

Ok, let me just grab my hoe and I'll be ready

I'm ready

Honey, you were right You were totally convincing as a hetero

- I was, wasn't I? - Mm-hmm

And guess what? I got a little surprise for you

Your first check, and, no your eyes are not deceiving you

Those are two zeroes after that "1."

- Yeah.... - And listen to this

For your next commercial

that "one" is going to become a "two,"

and that second zero will disappear. Ok?

A second commercial?

I don't think I can do that, Karen

Huh? Huh? What? Gin?!

I-- I think I made an awful mistake

I was so convincing as a hetero Now no one will ever cast me as gay

What in the hell are you talking about?

I'm typecast! Pigeon-chested! Corn-holed!

Now I'll never get a chance to play the gay romantic lead

in a Hollywood blockbuster movie

Or the gay general leading his gay troops into battle

And you can kiss my gay action hero franchise good-bye

No ornery black police captain Will ever say to me

You a loose cannon, Bruce

Turn in your badge and your chaps and get your gay ass out of my precinct

Ok. All right

I think I see what's happening here

And, uh, here's what I'm gonna do

For your next commercial I'm gonna put a "three" in front of that zero, ok?

That's 30 dollars

30 Canadian dollars

No! There's not gonna be a next commercial!

And if you were any kind of friend you'd pull that one off the air!

Ok. Uh

I'm gonna tell you what I told

Stan yesterday in prison...

I ain't pullin' nothin'

Since we started running that ad mattress sales have doubled...

To five!

So you're gonna keep hawkin' those beds, and you're gonna like it!

- Forget it! I quit! - Oh!

Oh, look! My ride's here and it's a huff!

I believe I'll leave in it!

Aah! God, these bugs!

Hey!

Lock the gate when you leave!

Last night you dinks left it open

I don't want anyone swiping my prize-winning lettuce

And your stinking dwarf is ruining the view from my garden

Lose it!

That guy is so mean!

Just forget about him, Will

You know, what does that guy know about sentimental attachments?

Ow!

Sorry

- There were two of them - Oh

Ow! Thanks Did you get it?

Get what?

Oh! This-- This is driving me crazy

I'm gonna go get some bug spray You want anything?

Bactine and a Dove Bar

I'll see you later, Squatsie

I'll count the moments till you come back, Will

Ok

Get away!

Got 'em...

Hey!

Will, I have some bad news

What? That outfit isn't returnable?

No, it's really bad

So bad that, uh even a Dove Bar won't help?

I'm afraid so

What is it?

Aah!

Oh, my God!

Ok, look, I know you're upset--

- How did this happen? - Will, I--

Was-- Was it him?!

Was it that mean guy that told us to lose it?!

Oh, this is so hard for me to say, but...

Yes. Yes, it was

Oh, Zandra, over here

Zandra Zoggin

acting teacher extraordinario-- Class is full, don't bother asking!

Zandra, please sit down right here Thank you

Oh, excuse me

Can I get you something to drink? Some coffee or something?

This better be good

You're taking time away from my slow agonizing march toward death

Well, I won't keep you

As you know

there's no one whose opinion I respect more than yours

In fact...

I've always considered you a father figure

Oh, I'm not your fag hag, McFarland

I am your acting teacher

And get to the point!

Ok. I just did a commercial

Played a strappin' straighty with a yen for the ladies

and, Zandra...

I was good

I was too good, I think

And now I'm plagued with doubt

Should I compromise my career goals for literally tens of dollars?

I say no!

So when they asked me to do a second commercial

I turned them down!

And because you're my mentor I wanted you to be the first to know

You may praise me

You stupid little ass monkey!

Ow! Ow, Zandra! My cheekbones! Ow!

You turned down a paying job?!

40 years in this profession and you are far and away

the worst student I've ever had

And now by some miracle of God

someone actually offered you a job and you turned them down?!

If I still smoked I would take my Parliament

and stick it in your eye!

Oh, what the hell I'm just gonna jab you with this dirty fork

No! No! No! No! No!

Wait!

Zandra, what about all that stuff you're always saying about

how we need to make tough choices in our careers?

Well, that only applies to people who have careers!

You go back to this brainless fart

who gave you this part in the first place

and you get down on your knees...

and you beg...

like a gypsy in an airport...

for your job back!

- No - Please!

- No - Please!

- No - Please!

- No - Please!

- No - Please!

- No - Please!

- No - Please!

- No - Please!

Oh, my God

His ear

I'm sorry, Squatsie

Here's a little prize for your lettuce

Hey! What are you doing! Get off my land!

I wasn't doing anything!

Stay where you are, fella!

This situation does not call for a whistle and who comes for a whistle?!

What's going on? I heard the whistle

Nothing Nothing is going on

He is trespassing!

Probably trying to swipe some of my prize-winning lettuce

Hey, I got your message

What are you doing in the garden?

I thought you weren't coming here anymore

- This guy is a thief - I am not!

- What's going on? - I'm calling the cops

There's no need to call the cops I wasn't stealing anything

Oh, yeah? Then what were you doing in here?!

Yeah, what were you doing in here?

What were you doing here?

Because the-- I--

I was peeing! Ok?!

I was gonna pee on his lettuce

because he broke my gnome

The only thing I have left from my parent's marriage

and he broke it!

I come from a broken home and now thanks to you

I come from a broken gnome!

I didn't break anything!

I don't know what the hell you're talking about!

Oh, please! Grace saw you do it!

Grace, tell him!

What did you see, Grace?

Yeah! What'd you see?!

I-- I--

I broke it, ok?! I broke it!

I'm-- I'm the gnome-wrecker!

And I was going to tell you

but you just--you love that damn thing so much

and I didn't know how

And since you were already so mad at him for being so mean

I just thought that you would-- you would go with it

Why do you have to be so mean?!

Yeah, why are you mean?

Why are you so mean?

Because I-- I--

I lost my job, ok?!

I spent so much time with my prize-winning lettuce

that I-- I lost my job!

I mean, yeah, yeah I embezzled a little bit, but...

It was mostly the lettuce

I'm sorry I'm sorry

I'm sorry, too

Me-- Me, too

I'm--I'm-- I'm really sorry

You know, I've had a rough couple of days, too

Oh, look Here's that commercial

I wonder who they got to replace you?

Has this ever happened to you?

Honey, are you awake?

Of course I'm awake I haven't slept in weeks

Oh, well, do you wanna--

No! I'm tired and I'm irritable

You're always tired and irritable I'm a man. I have needs

Isn't there someone out there who can help me?