Original subtitles

Listen, Barry, we need to be featured more prominently on your shelves.

We want Royal Crackers displayed on the end cap.

That's right, I know what the end of the aisle is called now. "End cap."

Because someone just started watching Sharktank. It's me. Learned a lot.

No more BSin' old Stebe.

What's that? No yeah, yeah, you're right. You're right.

I know, look, I'm just... I'm under a lot of pressure over here.

I didn't mean to take it out on you.

Yeah... Yeah. I'm sorry too Barry.

Theo what are you doing, I'm practicing my phone calls! That line could've been hot!

I'm tired of all this nonsense between us about who's top dog at this company.

The tit for tat, the back and forth, the will they won't they!

We need to say once and for all who's in charge of Royal Crackers.

I'm in charge of the company. I do all the work.

Because someone has to keep the train on the tracks around here.

You're right. You're so right. You're the boss.

Well thank you for admitting that. Waited a long time to hear you say that.

I think we should make it official.

Sign here, and you are officially the one in charge.

You got it.

- Well look at you, top dog! - Hey, Theo...

You're a good brother.

I try.

You hear that Barry? That's right. I'm the boss. Me. Stebe Hornsby.

AKA bossman.

Dad, if you go to jail, does that make me the man of the house?

- I'm the man of the house! - Dad's the man of the house!

He'll always be the man of the house! You understand!?

Look, I'm sorry for yelling!

But I wouldn't even be in this mess if it weren't for you.

I fucking knew it. I knew you'd try to put this on me!

Didn't I say he'd try to find some way to contort this into being my fault!

- Didn't I say that, Deb? - Can we please stop talking like this!?

If you're found guilty, I don't know what I'm gonna do.

I'm not going to jail. We've got the best lawyer in the world...

- Darby! - Yeah! Hell yeah!

Crap! I took way too long to get ready! I'm gonna be late!

Come on!

What is this guy doing? Come on!

What is this guy doing? Come on!

- Excuse me? - Oh, yes?

Nothing. I was waiting for you to back out.

You were in reverse for a while there.

Oh, was I? Oh my goodness, I am sorry about that.

- Kinda rude! - What's that?

I mean, you made it look like you were leaving?!

You dick tease your mommy like that?

- You're a real jerk, you know that? - I'm not... What the fuck!

No, No. I'm not the jerk... You're the jerk around here!

Sorry, I'm late everyone!

Mr. Blarchard, are you ready to make your opening statement?

Not only am I ready your honor, I'm excited.

Ladies and gentlemen of the jury,

I'm not just going to prove my client's innocence,

I'm going to embarrass the prosecution...

For wasting everyone's time. Because isn't that a horrible thing to do?

Waste people's time. Like when someone is in a parking space

and they have their brake lights on for a long time.

It looks like they're going to pull out. Everyone thinks they're going to pull out.

Why wouldn't they? So then you sit there, like an asshole, and wait for them,

even though you're late for the trial of Stebe Hornsby.

But you don't pull out. You just take forever to straighten out your...

I was finishing an audiobook!

That's right. He's referring to me.

And I was too distracted to put my car in park

because I was finishing an audiobook on dealing with grief.

I bought it after the recent passing of my "mommy".

A strong independent woman who died tragically from corporate greed.

The kind of greed that fuels companies like Royal Crackers.

So I ask you, fellow jurors... Who's the real bad guy here?

A slightly distracted grieving son?

Or a soulless, corporate shill hellbent on protecting his bottom line

no matter how many mommies he has to kill?

Because that's who Stebe Hornsby is.

Deb... If I don't make it out alive, it's okay if you want to re-marry.

Just make sure it's to a close personal friend of mine.

Like Ron Dennison or, my dad.

Never! I'll never give up on us! You're gonna be fine in there, Stebe!

Everyone's gonna love you! Just be yourself!

You'll serve your time and when you get out I'll be waiting with nips

so hard they'll cut through asiago cheese. Our bed is gonna be so lonely without you.

That's why I want you to have this.

Oh my god. What is it?

It's my cock ring. A reminder of just how hard we fuck.

Nobody fucks like we do! Everyone knows we're the best at it!

I never stop talking about it!

Promise me that every night you'll look at the moon and think of me.

Cause I'll be doing the same from a dank, grimy prison cell.

Where I'll be pleasuring myself. Thinking about you.

Oh, Stebe.

Okay, Stebe. Just be yourself.

You must be Mr. Hornsby!

I'm Sandy! Proud warden of Heavenly Glade Penitentiary!

Oh my, You're soaked!

Let's get you in some fresh clothes before you catch a cold!

I do apologize for this weather! This dreaded storm just snuck up on us!

Yeah, we needed it, though.

What a unique outlook you have, Mr. Hornsby!

It has been quite arid these last few months. I never considered that!

Am I gonna have go number two in front of everyone?

I think I can do it. I've been practicing with my son.

Oh Stebe... this is white collar prison.

You don't have to be here, you get to be here. Here's your room.

Cool.

I'm afraid you won't have a bunkmate to share it with.

I'm sure you've heard of this dreadful prison undercrowding situation.

- Are those parrots? - Macaw's actually.

Now please, Mr. Hornsby. Change into your jumper and get a good nights rest.

If I hear one sniffle out of that nose tomorrow morning

I'll be wrought with guilt.

How to determine your sleep number.

Yeah hi. This is Stebe Hornsby in 228?

Look, I don't wanna start complaining the moment I get here,

I don't wanna be that guy. But my bed is broken and I'd...

Yeah. I'm probably doing it wrong. You're right. You're right.

I'm sorry. Thank you. Bye.

Okay, let's try it for real. Yeah. Hi, this is Stebe Hornsby in 228.

Yes.

Hello?

Oh, wonderful, Stebe come. Please sit and meet some of your fellow prisoners.

Hey fellas.

Gentlemen, this is Stebe.

Stebe is a fellow CEO and quite the breath of fresh air.

Last night he came in soaked from the storm

and do you know what he had to say about it? "We needed it."

It has been dry!

You guys are CEO's too?

Stebe, these are more than CEO's, they're titans of industry.

Everyone of these men has been on the cover of Fortune magazine.

Then put me on the cover of Fortun-ate magazine to be at this table.

What are you in for? Being a comedian?

I could be a good friend to you in here, Stebe.

We all need friends. Why don't you meet me in the rec room tonight.

After lights out.

- Thanks for coming to movie night, Stebe. - Are you kidding?

I couldn't wait to find out what you were talking about back there!

Yeah, only hard part is getting everyone to agree on the same flick!

Well, maybe I can give it a shot!

Remote privileges are a pretty big responsibility.

- You're sure you're up for it? - Yeah... Yeah I think so.

Alright. Just make sure it's something everyone likes.

And all the guys are so cool, and smart. And they feel the same way about me!

I'm seriously the happiest I've been in years!

Stebe, honey, you don't have put on a brave face for us.

Oh I'm not! This place is like summer camp I imagine!

I guess I was just a little worried that you'd be really homesick and miss us.

Not in the slightest! Isn't that crazy?

I'm having so much fun! I actually forgot your name yesterday.

- You what? - Yeah.

I was telling a story and I blanked and then one guy was like "you mean Deb?"

and I was like "yeah, Deb! That's her name!" Isn't that funny?

No! It's not! Who are you becoming, Stebe?

What'd I tell you on the way here, Deb? This place? It changes you.

Why don't you shut up?

Well I'm sorry but maybe if he'd shown me a little respect when I was on the outside

I'd be the coolest guy in Bakersfield. So shut up.

What the heck has gotten into you, dude?

Hey Stebe, c'mon, we're counting on you!

Yeah!

Alright here we go!

What are you gonna blow our minds with tonight, Stebe?

Settle down boys. I do have a selection that I think everyone's gonna love.

I know you're all skeptical about rom coms...

Stebe...

But that's just because you've all been hurt before.

Which is exactly where Kathryn Heigl finds herself

at the beginning of tonight's film.

Gentlemen, sorry to interrupt, this fellow criminal

has joined our ranks... somehow.

No...

It can't be!

- Theo?! - What up limp dicks?!

Theo, what are you doing here!?

I took a hit on some of your charges so I could protect you in here!

Everyone at home is worried about you, dude! You should see dad! He's a mess!

Protect me?

Let me explain something to you, little bro...

Those guys down there?

They're sensitive, complicated and have incredibly high standards.

That's why they like me. On the outside...

I was just another rich white man running a snack food company.

But in here? I'm a god. And everyone knows not to fuck with me.

Now, if you don't mind... I need the room. I've got a violin lesson in five minutes.

What the hell is going on in here?

Theo's been making us bust a gut all week

so we thought we'd let him have the remote and pick something.

But I'm in charge of the remote. You guys gave me remote privileges.

Stebe, relax. I'm just showing one movie.

Stebe, you ok? You don't seem like yourself.

Well I'm not! Because he's ruining prison for me!

Sounds like somebody here couldn't find their sleep number!

Mr. Hornsby, I need to speak with you.

- Yeah what's up, Jack. - It's... your brother.

He's not getting along so swimmingly with our other guests here.

Oh, really? I thought he had everyone eating out of his hand.

No, I'm afraid not.

Last night, as I'm sure you know... he put on a terrifying snuff film...

- What? - Called "Jurassic Park".

These guys aren't ready for horror films!

Well, some of the men had trouble sleeping.

One of them even had a nightmare.

I'm afraid your brother may be becoming... a bit of a handful.

If you don't mind me saying.

Yeah, big handful of crap.

- Indeed. - Don't worry, Sandy.

- I'll take care of this shit. - Certainly.

Hey, Bro. You comin' to movie night?

I'm showing your favorite! Shrek the Third!

It's not my favorite movie. It's my favorite Shrek movie.

There are other Shrek movies?

Sorry, I think I'm gonna pass. Stay here and finish writing my novel.

Okay. Hey... Are you mad at me?

Oh for taking over my role as movie picker?

You know I guess I was a little upset but I had a good night sleep about it,

and now I feel like everything's gonna be okay.

Stebe, you really are a great big brother, aren't you?

I know I don't tell you that enough. But I'm always thinking it. Always.

Hey. You're gonna be late. You should get a move on.

Yeah.

- What up twinkie dicks? - There he is!

- Where's the remote, Theo?! - What? I dunno.

Hey hey hey, what is going on here?

We're trying to find the remote your limp dick brother lost.

Wait, what? Is this true? Theo, did you lose the remote?

No! I didn't... I didn't lose it, I don't know where it is!

Hold on, we can figure this out. Who had remote privileges last?

- Theo did! - I see why this is so terrible for Theo.

Gosh, I'm starting to feel like giving you remote privileges

might have been a mistake.

- Obviously, Stebe! - Yeah, you're right, it is obvious, Terry.

But remember I walked in late so I'm still piecing this whole nightmare together.

Hey guys! I think I found it!

Oh, you did?! See, I told you dickheads I didn't lose it.

Sure did. Here it is, brother.

God damn, this caviar's makin' me wet!

I'll be right back, fellas!

Hey, guys. You hear?

The guards are saying it might be over a week until a new remote arrives.

- Oh, God! - What?!

Great! Now someone's gonna have to push the buttons manually!

This whole thing is a nightmare!

I guess that's one way to handle the situation.

Stebe? What do you mean?

Well, I know when I was in charge of movie night it ran like a well-oiled machine.

But once again my brother comes along, tells everyone a few knock-knock jokes

and suddenly, the machine breaks down. Well, I say the buck stops here.

I hope this is one of your fantastic jokes.

When I first showed up here I was told

you were a bunch of CEO's capable of making hard decisions.

But right now all I see are a bunch of pussy ass bitches

who don't seem to remember what we do with dead weight in the business world.

Are you asking what I think you're asking?

Theo's contract is up for termination. And I'm not asking.

What the hell, man? That's where I was gonna put my kindness stone.

Sorry, Theo, we've got to let you go.

From the company of life.

Fuck off me! Oh no!

Yo everyone chill for a sec!

- Stebe! - Dope news, boys. I found the remote!

- Thank god! - Where was it?

- I took it to incriminate my brother. - You did?

I'm sorry you're fighting with Theo

but you don't jeopardize the sanctity of movie night...

Stebe, I'm sorry, dude! Alright? For getting you caught up in here,

and undermining you at work so no one respects you,

for all the lies I tell people so no one wants to hang out with you!

I'm sorry for all of it! Okay?

No, I'm sorry, brother. It seems you and Charles didn't get the memo...

No one fucks with Stebe Hornsby.

I told you it would work!

That's amazing! He came right out of it!

- What's happening? - He looked so stupid!

I'm sorry, Honey! We're just so happy to see you awake!

You've been in a coma for a week!

I'm parched! Where's Sandy?

He's usually waiting by my bedside with fresh squeezed orange juice!

Dad, have you been in heaven?

Yeah! Prison to be exact! When am I going back?!

Sweety, you spent all of thirty seconds in prison. Show him the video, Matt.

- Okay, Stebe. Just be yourself. - Fresh meat, boys!

Now that he's okay I finally see the humor in it!

I know! I totally get why it went viral now!

Have I served any of my sentence?!

That's the kicker! The judge felt so sorry for you after seeing the video

he reduced the sentence down to community service!

- Damnit! - Let's let this Grumpy Gus get some rest.

- Love you, babe! - Glad to have you back, dad.

Hey, Stebe...

Thanks for going to prison for me.

Hey. I'm your big bro. It's my job to protect you!

And I guess I'm also... kinda sorry.

Damn! Yeah, baby.