Original subtitles

So? How'd it go last night?

We drove up to Chester's Peak and spent the whole night under the stars.

You gotta lock this man down, Brenda! No offense, but you're Sam Goody.

He's Tower Records.

Oh, my God, we're taking it slow, Kate! And I've got my entire life ahead of me.

Brenda Cokono, will you make me the luckiest man in the whole world?

Oh, my God!

Many moons ago, the bureaucrats in city hall thought it wise

to deprive our great city of its one and only mall.

Once upon a time, our youth were filled with dreams and promise

but we forced them out of the food courts,

arcades and toy stores right into the hands

of the mohawked, switchblade-wielding gangs that awaited just outside!

"Don't re-open this mall!" They said. "It's haunted!" They said.

Well, a new day rises.

And under my leadership, we re-open these doors and give back

to the citizens of Bakersfield the mall they so rightly deserve.

I will now cut the ceremonial ribbon with these novelty scissors,

which can be purchased at the new Novelty Scissors store

located on the second floor.

Come on, hon! Our hibachi tables awaits!

Trust me, you do not want to disrespect the Japanese.

Get me a to go box!

Well, well. What'a we have here?

Not a great idea to walk these streets alone, grandpa.

Lucky for you, my buddies'n I got a nice cold six pack

back at our gang headquarters. You ever had a beer before, tough guy?

- Yes? - Stebe, it's our anniversary!

And I thank you for the invitation, but I respectfully decline.

Oh, no, see, that's a bad move. Cause that'd make you our enemy.

You don't wanna be our enemy now, do ya'?

No?

Stebe Hornsby, you get inside this mall right now!

- Who was that you were talking to? - No one! A friend!

Look at this place! A Vitamin Shop right next to a shoe store!?

A store that only sells hats?! I love you so much! Get the F out of here!

- Excuse me, mister. - Not you, silly. Those.

Stebe, I know you would rather be couped up at home, but this is our special day.

Yeah, maybe you're right.

You know me, I'm a thrill seeker. Look! An escalator!

- Stebe, what's wrong? - Nothing. Maybe we take the stairs.

What? Why? Look, it's easy. I'll show you.

Now it's your turn!

I don't wanna ride the fucking escalator, okay?! God!

Just one thing after another with you! I'll meet you at the restaurant! God!

Looks like the mall is re-opened and I'm on my way to re-election.

Ms. Mayor, we have to shut down the mall now!

These electromagnetic waves

are forecasting an unprecedented spike in paranormal activity!

Officer Smith, meet Doctor Richards.

The mall's lead scientist and a real pain in my you know what.

Sorry, but this mall stays open!

I've been a student of science all my life, Mayor.

Science, science, science! That's all I ever hear from you!

And I will not stand idly as you put these good citizens in harms way! Oh, yeah!

We're all doomed! Doomed, Jerry, doomed!

Hey! What happened to the Tower Records?

I'm trying to return this piece of sell-out trash!

Alright, I get it, you don't want to give me my money back. Fine, I'm outta here.

Leave. Leave this mall as soon as you can. It's not safe here.

And whatever you do, do not take the escalator...

Let go of me, perv! What are you, my eighth grade piano teacher?

Welcome to Hibachi Chachi's!

I may not be authentically Japanese, but I can assure you I'm a pro.

It's not that you're not Japanese. Although that is a bit of a bummer.

It's my husband, Stebe.

I just wish he'd embrace some of the things I like for once.

I once was in love too, but master Ichiro Makimoto ground my soul to bits over years

of intense, relentless hibachi training, making my heart grow cold.

There you are!

Welcome to Hibachi Chachi's, my name's Phil.

- Phil, huh? Doesn't sound very authentic. - Dude!

Welcome to Build-A-Dillo! What can I help you create today?

But make it quick, we are swamped!

I'm picking...

And for the last time no aardvarks or anteaters!

I'm picking up an advance order. Under Matt Hornsby?

You're going to need to be more specific, kid. We're backed up here.

- What's the name on the 'Dillo? - Matt Hornsby.

When I tried to take out a loan from the bank for a customizable armadillo store,

they laughed at me. Can you believe that?

I'm just hoping I can get through this rush in the next few weeks

so I can finally get some downtime.

- Sorry! What's the name? - Matt Hornsby.

Got it. Alright, just gotta find it here on this long list of 'Dillo orders.

Everybody loves the idea.

You know my dad isn't even talking to me anymore?

Doesn't like that I'm in the 'Dillo biz. Anyway, what's the name?

Matt Hornsby!

One of the new guys must have forgot to put your name down.

Let me see what I can find in the back.

A big time Hollywood producer came in here earlier and said he wants

to write a film trilogy about me and this whole 'Dillo craze.

Anyway, I'll check on that 'Dillo for ya.

Alright. Holsby, Holsby. Where is Holsby?

Where are you? And we've got a sale.

What the... Probably nothing.

What was that?

Eyes and ears are playing tricks on me.

What? What the... Oh, no!

- I feel like I'm in heaven! - Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah, it's really getting in there.

- Barb, it's got me. - It's almost a little too much.

- Barb, help! - Craig!

No! Oh, no!

I have your 'Dillo, Cornsby.

What is it now?!

Keep shopping! I won't let you peasants take this away from me!

It has begun.

Stebe, I can not believe you let him toss that shrimp in your pocket.

Who are you and where's the man I married?

Yeah, you were right. Sorry if I've been acting like a wet blanket.

It's okay, honey. I just want tonight to be special.

You know, have a little excitement in our lives.

- Oh, my God! - Relax. This has to be part of his show.

I bet he has beef in his pocket and this is how he cooks it.

He's really selling it, huh?!

Oh, God! I don't think this is part of the show!

We've got to get out of here!

Oh, my God!

I knew this place wasn't authentically Japanese!

Stebe, slow down! You know what exotic foods do to your stomach!

Oh, my God!

I know there's been some concerns

about the recent slew of deaths here at the mall. And I share your concerns.

Every life is precious. I'm always saying that, ask anyone.

But I can assure you that this mall is perfectly safe.

Do you think I am the type of Mayor who would reopen a mall

if I had been given information that it wasn't safe?

I am the type of Mayor who reopens the mall and everyone loves me for it!

Please, go back to shopping as usual. Everything is fine, trust me.

This is a great, historic day. So have fun!

What?

Oh, shit. Oh, god!

I used to be the manager of Tower Records.

I was getting enough money to move out, making minimum wage;

$7.25 back then, which was pretty good,

but then the accident happened.

A young girl got eaten alive by the first floor escalator.

And the mall got shut down for maintenance. It was a boring time,

but I went into Spender's Gifts and that's when I found this.

- "Ten Thousand Jokes About Weiners?" - Oh, no. Not that one. This one.

At first, when I dabbled a bit, nothing really happened,

but then one night something horrible occurred.

A portal to the netherworld opened.

And the spirit of that girl who was eaten by the escalator was released.

And she's been haunting this mall ever since.

So, how brown do you want your panini?

The Tio Pepe Panini Press gets it perfect, every time!

Oh, shit, you live here, huh?

We need to have our heads on a swivel.

Be on the lookout for anything out of the ordinary.

Oh, no!

We have to save ourselves! Come on!

Stebe, you usually don't even like to make eye contact with a place like this.

Well, I've had just about enough of this stuff.

I've got 99 problems, and this mall just became top of the list.

Oh, Stebe?!

Why?

Deb, please! Help me.

I hope you like your beef... well done.

Told you you were running too fast.

Stebe, I've never seen you take charge like this. Do you know something I don't?

- Damn it, we're trapped. - What up, limp dicks!

Theo! Oh, thank God. You're never going to believe it, but this mall is...

Haunted? Yeah, no shit, dude. Tell them what you told me, pervert.

Oh, the weiner joke about the masturbating cow?

What? No!

You fucked with the wrong mall!

- Oh, God! - Stebe, help!

Let her go! Killing her won't win me back!

I barely knew you! We went out one time because you wouldn't leave me alone!

Stebe, you know this escalator?

Before I met you, I proposed to someone else, okay?

Right here at this mall. She was so overcome with emotion

that she accidentally got eaten alive by the escalator.

You were just some creepy guy who sat by himself at the food court

watching me eat lunch on my break.

You proposed to someone else?!

It was a long time ago. I thought she was the one!

You told me I was your one and only!

Well, forgive me for being such a hot commodity!

That is such bullshit, Stebe!

Or maybe I wasn't the second choice. Who knows where I am on the list.

- Deb! - Get... get off me!

No!

Brenda, I'm sorry, okay? I know you weren't expecting me to propose that day.

You're right, we barely knew each other.

I guess I just really wanted to be in love. And I felt bad for a long time,

but the truth is if you hadn't gotten mutilated by this faulty escalator,

well... then I never would have met the true love of my life, Deb!

Oh, you mean your second choice?

Maybe if I'd have known that, I would have said, no!

Stebe, that's it! That's my unfinished business.

I never got to answer your question.

Brenda Kokono, will you make me the luckiest man in the whole world?

No!

No, Stebe, I will not, and nor would I ever under any circumstances, marry you.

Yeah!

No one turns down a marriage proposal from my husband!

Oh my, you hate to see that.

Happy anniversary, babe.

Wow, that was pretty messed up. Seemed a little unnecessary.

Okay, sure, happy anniversary.

Well, old-timer, I guess this is where our wild ride comes to an end.

There is just one more piece of unfinished business to take care of.

I used to be the manager of Tower Records.

Man. You're a real fucking weirdo, you know that?

Well, I'm just glad it's all over and everyone is okay.

Well, well, look who it is.

Was wondering if you were gonna show your face around here again.

You reconsider my offer on that beer?

Tellin' ya, my fellow gang members would love to make your acquaintance.

I'm sorry, sir. I'm very flattered, but I'm already in a gang.

And that gang is called my family.

Hey! I built this 'dillo for you guys, for your anniversary.

That's actually very sweet.

Yeah, I'm actually finding it very difficult to be angry about this, so...

Thank you.