Original subtitles

Boy, that is unbelievable.

Listen to this.

I don't want to hear it, Frank.

You don't even know what it is.

I know what it is, it's something horrible from

the paper that I don't need to hear while I'm eating.

Just listen.

I don't want to hear it, Frank.

- Listen. - Leave me alone.

- Listen! - No!

"Dear Abby

"I am a 60-year-old-woman

"who just found out that my husband of 30 years

"is also my cousin.

And my husband knew the whole time."

Ah-ha.

- What's the rest? - No.

- Come on. - You weren't interested.

- Come on, let me see the paper. - No.

Why did you read that to me? Why? Are you my cousin?

That would explain a lot.

Hi, I'm Ray, and I live here in Long Island with my wife, Debra

my six-year-old daughter and twin two-year old boys.

My parents...

...live across the street. That's right.

And my brother lives with them.

Now, not every family would defy gravity for you

but mine would because...

Everybody loves Raymond.

Hey, you didn't...

What's that thing?

It's a coin sorter.

Hermanson's are having a garage sale

and you know how I feel about loose change.

Not for me.

Something else we don't need.

Your father's been bringing home useless junk for 40 years.

You were item number one.

We should be having a garage sale, Frank.

No! No garage sale.

I'm not lugging everything up from the basement

and then standing out there all day dealing with people.

People.

I bet Ed's making a lot of money on that thing.

He told me he already made $200.

$200?

For Hermanson's crap?

We got much better crap than him.

We're having a garage sale.

No, no, better.

Make it a yard sale. That's classier.

I bet I can sell this thing for $15.

That's pure profit.

- Hey, who took my thing that-- - Hey, listen up.

You and Robert got till tomorrow morning at 8:00 a.m.

to get the crap you're storing in this house out.

We're clearing the place out!

My God! You're moving?

No, we're having a yard sale.

Yard sale. For a second, I thought you were moving

which would make us so, so sad.

No, sweetie.

We're not going anywhere, no.

No, we'll always be with you.

Because I'll help you move.

Let's go! Let's go! Got a half an hour.

- Yeah, relax. - Move it out!

Take it easy, Dad, alright?

Nobody's at your yard sale yet.

The bowling alleys are still open.

Anything you don't claim, I'm selling.

Listen, if we don't want it for free

what makes you think people are going to pay for it?

People are idiots.

Did you know I used to come down here to hide from you?

Yeah? I used to come down here to hide from Dad.

He used to come down to hide from Mom.

Remember when we all ended up down here at the same time?

Then Mom locked us in to teach us a lesson.

And Dad shut off the water while she was still in the shower.

- Yeah. - Good times.

Alright, let's get to it.

Oh, man. You know what? This is just...

It's too much like work.

Look, just let Dad sell whatever's here, that's all.

What, are you kidding? This is our childhood.

This is who we are.

Hey! Hey! My handprint turkey.

That's a turkey?

- Yeah. You know, I was a kid. - Yeah.

Look at this. Look at all this.

All this cool school stuff of mine.

- Where's my stuff? - Look at this.

- I invented this in shop class. - You invented wood?

It's a bug-killing system. Look, I wrote the directions down.

"Put bug on block A

"and press down with block B until crunching is heard.

Rinse and repeat."

All these boxes say "Ray" on them.

I used to have things, too, you know.

Here you go. Here's something with your name on it.

What?

Your baby shoes?

Forty years, this is all they saved.

Hey, hey, hey!

Hector von Fuzzy Pants!

Or something. Hector von... I don't know.

Alright. Come on, hurry up, boys.

Your father wants a staff meeting on the lawn

in five minutes.

Mom, what are you doing?

What are you selling all this stuff for?

'Cause I need this area for your father.

See, I'm going to bring down a chair and a television

and I'm going to leave meals at the top of the stairs.

- He'll be very happy. - Ma, ma, wait.

What's with these shoes? What'd you save these for?

I don't know, let me see.

Oh. I bought these for you for Christmas one year.

I never got them.

I must've hidden them down here and forgotten

to give them to you.

That's funny.

Shoes for Christmas.

Oh...

- What's all that? - This is my whole childhood.

That my parents want to sell to any Zeke with a pickup.

Where are we going to keep all this stuff?

Come on, Debra, it's good stuff.

Oh. Look. "Ray, 1969."

It's an ashtray. I made it for my dad. He said he loved it.

He said he would start smoking.

He never did.

Well, when the time comes, you'll smoke for your children.

What you got there?

It's just clothing the kids have grown out of.

I was just going to take it over to the yard sale.

- Really? - Yeah.

Come on, kids. Got to go to Grandma and Grandpa's.

Ray, just grab that crib, okay?

'Go on, Ray. Hurry up.'

We're getting rid of the cribs?

Yeah. What do we need them for anymore?

I don't know.

- 'What?' - I don't know, in case...

What? For what?

I don't know.

What? For all the other kids we're going to have?

Why don't we have ten more and move into a shoe?

- Hey, Frank. - Hey, hey!

Welcome to Honest Frank's yard of bargains.

How are you, kids? Okay, what have we here, Debra?

Well, it's mostly baby stuff.

Okay, let's see.

- The crib goes in Furniture. - Yeah.

- Clothes in Clothes. - Right.

Maybe I ought to start an all-baby section.

They're suckers for babies.

You know what, Dad? We'll take care of all this, alright?

So we're going to get rid of all this stuff?

Yeah, and after your dad takes his cut, we get to keep 40%.

Hey. Check this out. This thermos. Look at this.

Dad, can you give us a second here, please?

You see what I did? I scraped the rust off.

Eye appeal is buy appeal. $20.

$20? Nobody's going to pay that for a used thermos.

They will if it was used by the Pope.

Hey, fellow! You Catholic? You like hot soup?

I can't believe we saved all this stuff.

What do you think, Ray? Like a buck for a bag of bibs?

Buck-a-bag-of-bibs. Buck-a-bag-of-bibs.

Can you say that? Just say that. Buck-a-bag-of-bibs.

- Buck-a-bag-of-bibs. - Okay. Look.

So we're not going to have any more kids?

- What? Are you serious? - I'm wondering.

I don't know. Are we supposed to?

I don't know. I thought that if we weren't

we both would have known about it.

I don't think this is the place to talk about this right now.

I wasn't listening.

Listen.

I'm not saying I definitely want more kids.

I just didn't know we had made that decision.

Nobody made an actual decision, Ray. It's...

I just thought that since we hadn't done anything drastic...

Drastic?

Yes. You know, since we hadn't...

Snip, snip-snip-snip.

We could maybe...

What?

I don't know. Maybe we could have more kids.

Excuse me. I couldn't help overhearing.

Oh. God.

Are we talking about having more children?

Ma, look, this is between me and Debra, okay?

Yeah, and I don't think that this is the place to do this.

Raymond, what did you mean by "snip-snip-snip-snip"?

God, now I got to have that dream.

What are you doing?

Dad wants me to keep an eye on that one in Sporting Goods.

You really think Mrs. Scarpula's gonna steal cross-country skis?

Not on my watch.

Hey, you two porcupines.

I need you to bring that sofa bed up from the basement.

Old Lucky? I mean, Old Musty?

Listen, I haven't told your mother yet

but I'm fixing a little area for her down there.

A little area?

I'm gonna bring down her sewing machine

maybe a folding chair, maybe a hot plate.

She'll love it. She can stay down there all day.

Sounds like a sweatshop, Dad.

No, I'll give her a little fan.

Debra, would you help me price these things?

If we look busy, then nobody will bother us.

But that doesn't work. I just was trying to look busy.

Can I let you in on a little secret?

I wanted to have more children, too.

We don't want to have more children.

Well, if I overheard correctly, Raymond does.

Listen, I-I wanted to have another baby

but Frank wouldn't even hear of it. And I was just crushed.

You know, I love my boys

but I always wanted a little girl, too.

You know what I used to do?

I used to put Robbie in a little pink dress

and dance him around the room.

You got any pictures of that?

The reason I bring it up is that

well, we're not getting any younger, dear.

And you want to plant your seedlings before

winter comes and everything freezes over.

Jeez!

You can't talk to her.

Alright! Easy! Stop pushing it, Robert.

'I'm not pushing.'

I think I'm losing my grip. I'm putting it down.

Wait. Wait. Wait.

Oh!

I told you I'm putting it down.

You told me while you were putting it down.

- You're just slow. - Yeah.

Yeah, you used to do that to me on the seesaw.

"I'm getting off!" Boom!

Hey. Chuckleheads, this ain't the employee lounge.

I got a rube out there I think I can unload this on.

Take it easy, Dad. This thing weighs a ton, alright?

Then open it up and pull the mattress out.

What are you two, sharing a brain?

I'll use this cushion to keep him on the hook.

Ugh. Yuck.

There you go.

Alright.

Ready, one, two, three.

We were too close to the table.

- Stupid couch. Stupid... - Hey.

Don't take your problems with Debra out on the sofa bed.

What are you talking about?

I know the situation.

You know, the kid thing. You and Debra.

Where did you hear that?

It's all over the yard.

- What? - Don't worry.

What's said in the yard stays in the yard.

I don't believe this. Why is everybody talking

about this except me and Debra?

We're all wondering about that, too.

And let me just say this, okay? Debra has a point, Ray.

It's a lot of work raising kids. There you are at the office

then you come breezing home.

"Look what I wrote! Where's my dinner?"

How much help are you, really?

- What do you know about it? - Yeah, that's right, huh?

What could I know? I'm just Robert.

I don't have any kids. I'm a reproductive cul-de-sac.

Okay. Just fold this up, please.

I could still have kids, you know.

I know, Robert.

What are you guys talking about?

Don't worry, Deb. I'm on your side.

You're on my side?

That's right, and I'm not the only one.

I don't believe this, Ray. What are you doing?

Hey, listen.

I just wanted to talk about it, that's all. You just...

You assumed that we were done having kids.

I don't know that I'm done yet.

Well, I am.

You know what? Why don't I just get this out of your way, okay?

It's stuck.

You know what? I might be a while.

Hey, there's a sucker out here

who just paid sticker price on the crib.

- The crib? - Yeah.

I need one of you two numbskulls to go put it

in her car before she sees the teeth marks.

- I'm gonna go. - Ray.

And Mrs. Scarpula's on your side, too.

- Listen... - Thanks.

- It's the green minivan. - Yeah.

There's been a misunderstanding. This crib's not for sale.

- What? - Yeah. Sorry.

But I already bought it.

Dad, give this woman a refund, please?

I'm sorry, lady. All sales are final.

But I-I want the crib.

No, no, no, Dad, we're not selling this crib.

Please give her her money back.

What have you been smoking?

- Give her the crib. - Stop it. No.

No. Dad, I'm not selling the crib.

Please, how much did you pay for this?

Ray, come on. What are you doing?

He's blowing the sale.

- You're fired. - Look.

We're not selling the crib. Here.

- Here's $40. - She only paid $30!

- I don't care! Please let go. - Ray!

It's Raymond's crib. They're gonna need it.

- No, we're not. - I'm gonna need it Thursday.

Marie, stop. Robert, help. Help.

- Ray, give her the crib. - No.

- What do you mean, no? - I want another baby!

That is one special kind of idiot.

Excuse me. Sir?

How much for these photos of the cute little girl

in the pink dress?

- Ray. - What?

- You want to talk? - Do you?

Everybody in the yard thinks we should.

Look, it's just that...

That mean pregnant lady was taking our crib.

I just wanted to stop and think about it

for a second, that's all.

Okay. Okay. Let's think about it.

Another baby.

We have three.

Yeah, but it's really not like three

because the twins were kind of like a two-fer.

You know, I gave birth to them, Ray.

Believe me. We have three.

Look, I'm not saying that I want more kids

but to say that we're never gonna have any more...

I don't know. I mean...

Remember when they were born and they were so...

...little and stuff?

I like that, you know? When they're little.

I don't know. Don't you like that?

I like that.

- Oh. My God. - Ma.

- Can we be alone, please? - No.

I mean, I'm happy that you and Debra are working things out

but please, this is my kitchen.

We're talking, Ma, we're talking. That's all.

Okay, but I'm just outside

and I could come back any minute.

That's just like at our house.

Look at this. Look at how small these are.

Yeah, and look at the purple stain.

You remember how that got there?

That's you trying to give Michael

his medicine in the dark.

And we all got that cold. You remember?

And I think Ally had a mouthful of tuna fish

when she sneezed all over you.

Nobody got any sleep that week.

Or ever since.

I'm just saying think about it.

More kids.

Can we give back the ones we already have?

Not without a receipt.

I'm sorry. Look, I don't know.

I don't know what I was thinking.

I'm going to put these back on the table. Here.

Don't think anybody's going to want that.

You okay, Ray?

I'm tired.

Ray.

Ray! Ray!

Please tell me we had a sister.

Right this way, my friend.

Don, is it?

Don, I don't know whether I should let you lie down on this

because once you are on it

you are never gonna want to get up.

Floating on a cloud, huh, Don?

It's like a pole digging in my back.

Don't worry about that.

You know, it comes with a thermos.

Are you Catholic?