Original subtitles

- Whoo! - Whoa!

Shh! Come on. Keep it down.

I just got the kids to bed.

It's gotta be loud. It's "Cops."

You can't enjoy violence without volume.

Ow! Oh, you're right.

Look at this guy who's running away.

Ooh. Whoo. Look at this guy go.

Move it, dude.

- Oh, good. - What are you doing?

You don't root for the perp.

- He's the underdog. - He's a criminal.

Just sayin' look at the moves on this guy.

The giants could use him.

Oh, big mistake. He's going into the alley.

My boys should be coming right... now.

What? Oh, you seen this one already.

No, no, no, that's the way they do it, see?

First of all, you set up a perimeter, right?

You close off all the avenues of escape.

It's like catching a mouse.

Hey, I've seen you with a mouse.

Remember this? Aah!

Remember me beatin' the crap outta you?

Ah, they got the bracelets on him. He ain't goin' nowhere.

Of course he's not going anywhere.

The show's called "Cops." It's fixed.

You never see the bad guy getting away.

Let 'em get their own show.

You see the way they ran that punk down?

You ever run like that?

- I've been known to. - Yeah, when? When do you run?

- When I have to. - Yeah.

Last time you ran was when the wind took your balloon.

What are you saying, Raymond?

- Nothing. Nothing. - You don't think I do this?

Come on, this is show biz.

This is three months of filming

cut down to half an hour.

What?

Want to go on a ride-along?

- What? - A citizen's ride-along.

Come on, big shot. Spend a shift in the back of my patrol car.

What and drive around with you?

Mm-hmm. That's right.

Put your ass where your mouth is.

- Why would I want to-- - You know what I mean!

- What's the matter, you scared? - I'm not-I'm not scared.

- I'll go anytime. - How about tonight?

- I can't go tonight. - Yeah.

That's 'cause you're scared.

Alright, go ahead. I'll go.

You set it up, and I'll go.

Alright, fine, I'll check with my partner

and we'll get you a vest.

What do you mean, a vest?

Bullet... proof... vest.

Okay, fine.

Fine. Go ahead. Go right ahead.

I'll just, I'll check with my partner. Hey, Deb.

Robert wants me to go with him on his patrol tonight

you know, and sit in the car where all the action is

and wear a bulletproof vest, okay?

Sure. Have fun.

♪ Bum-ba-da-dun ♪

Hi, I'm Ray, and I live here in Long Island

with my wife Debra, my six-year-old daughter

and twin two-year-old boys.

My parents live across the street.

That's right.

And my brother lives with 'em.

Now, not every family would defy gravity for you

but mine would because--

Everybody loves Raymond.

Hey, you didn't, uh...

Frank, what are you doing? Close the refrigerator.

- Put that on a plate. - I don't want a plate.

I just want a couple of bites.

That's disgusting, sticking your fork in there.

Now nobody else can eat it.

That's all it takes?

This fork was in the ice cream too.

Oh!

Oh, hi, dear. You hungry?

I'm sorry, I can't offer you lasagna or ice cream.

Or chocolate cake. Mmh. Mmh. Mmh.

Oh! He's like an animal marking his territory.

Hey!

Come on, that was a compliment.

God, I wish this was the wrong house.

Where's Robert?

He's going to work in a few minutes.

Yeah, I know. I know. I'm going with him.

- What? - Yeah, yeah.

Robert, you're taking Raymond to work with you?

Yeah, on a citizen ride-along.

No one discussed this with me. You're not going.

- Aw-- - Aw, Ray.

- Your mommy won't let you go. - Yeah. Ma, I'm an adult, okay?

I don't need a permission slip.

Oh, you do have to sign this release form.

The department can't guarantee your protection.

I thought you were my protection.

No, he's not! Rob-Robbie, give me that.

Oh, Frank, do something!

Robert's putting Raymond in danger.

Danger? You want to know danger?

Here we go.

Try Korea.

They were firing at us with Kalashnikov rifles.

Those things snap off 30 rounds a second.

What are you two gonna be doing

sitting in a squad car with a thermos full of cocoa?

Actually, no. That increases the frequency of urination.

- I-I-I don't like any of this. - Come on, let's go, Raymond.

- Hooray. - Oh, Raymond, don't.

- Ma, I'm going. I'm going. - Oh, don't.

Alright then, why only Raymond?

Take Debra and the kids too.

That way I'll lose my whole family in one night.

At least take him!

- '2-3, sergeant.' - 2-3, sergeant.

- 'You get that 10-10?' - I copy.

Sergeant? They call you sergeant?

That's his rank. Sit back.

Sergeant. Do they know you lick your q-tips

before you stick 'em in your ears?

Raymond.

I copy the 10-10.

Open warehouse door, checked out okay.

Open door, yeah. Nobody even broke in.

Good thing I'm wearing the vest. It could've been drafty.

We better drive by later.

If it's open again, we'll call in a K-9 car

and, uh, send in the bow-wow.

That's a police dog.

Oh, bow-wow's a police dog. Hmm, how do you crack that code?

That ain't funny. And you don't talk while we're on the radio.

Now sit back!

I told you, Raymond, it's important

that you not interfere with police business.

Well, what police business?

We've been driving around for 3 hours.

I saw more action on my paper route.

Alright!

Hey, maybe later we can climb a tree

and save a meow-meow.

That's enough, Raymond.

I'm starting to see what you mean about your little brother.

- Yeah, see what I'm saying? - What?

- What? What does he say? - Sit back!

I'm not gonna tell you again!

You just lost your tip.

There's nothing to do. I'm bored back here.

At least run the siren a little.

This vest is a little smelly.

Hey, if you wash these with regular clothes

do they become bulletproof?

Okay. Okay.

- '2-3, sergeant.' - 2-3, sergeant.

'Got an emergency call, patching it through.'

Alright. Emergency.

You wanted action? Here we go.

'Robbie, how's Raymond?'

'Is he okay? I want to talk to Raymond.'

- Ma! - 'What?'

I need these wrapped to go.

Everybody's asking for doggie bags.

What am I supposed to eat?

Give me the usual. I'm going to the ladies' room.

Why are we taking a break? What are we taking a break from?

How about a break from your mouth?

She seems nice.

Sit down, Raymond.

Sit down.

I want to talk to you.

Alright, but I have a right to a ginger ale. You know that?

- Just stop it, okay? - What?

I'm sorry this is such a slow night for you.

No, no, no. There was that open door.

Enough, Raymond. Okay?

A slow night for you is a good night for me.

Do you understand? You have no idea what this job entails.

And your attitude is an insult to me, my partner

and every other cop on the force.

Relax, Robert. I'm-I'm joking here, that's all.

Yeah, yeah, right, yeah. They're just little jokes, right?

- I'm one big joke to you. - Oh.

My height, my little quirks, the year I had an afro.

Now, come on. That was funny.

It was the style then, man.

Alright, come on, relax.

You guys gonna order, or can I grab a smoke?

Come on. What do you want to eat? I'm buying.

- I'm not hungry. - Come on.

I'll buy for Judy too.

What does she eat, little kids?

You just can't stop, can you?

Look, when you're ready, I'm out back.

- Robert. - What?

Over there.

Hurry it up.

Get down.

Huh?

Get down.

Robert, I left my vest in the car.

Now, whatever happens... stay down.

No, no, no, wait, wait, wait. Call the police.

- Shh. - Come on, let's go.

Hurry up, come on.

Get on your stomach. Get your hands behind your back.

- 'I didn't do anything!' - You didn't do anything, huh?

- What'd I do? - Is everybody okay?

- Nemo, you alright? - Yeah, yeah.

How we doin', huh?

- Wise guy. - What happened here?

Well, we got a 10-30. Better check outside.

- You alright, Nemo? - 'Yeah.'

No getaway car. Got no friends?

That's alright. We'll give him a ride. Get him outta here.

I'll radio it in.

Come on, Ray. You can ride up front.

Come on. What are you looking at?

Hey, Susie. Pick up that pizza, will ya?

Unless the people want a new one.

- Ray? - Hmm.

- What time is it? - Hmm.

What are you doing? Why are you lying there like that?

- Take your clothes off. - Oh, I'm not in the mood.

What are you talking about?

Hey, how was the ride-along?

It was very boring.

Followed by a short period of terrifying.

What do you mean? What happened?

We went into Nemo's for a break, and a guy came in with a gun.

My God! What do you mean, a gun?

A gun. A gun. I mean a gun.

A-a thing they use to rob things.

What are you doing with a gun?

Nothing! I didn't have the gun.

I mean near a gun!

Who told you to go out and be with guns?

- You did. - I did not.

I said you could ride in the back

of Robert's police car.

I never said you should get out of the car.

I'm okay, I'm okay.

Jerk! You idiot!

- I'm okay. I'm okay! - Stupid, how could you...

Ow! I need my vest again.

My God. How did this happen? What happened?

Nothing, 'cause Robert stopped the guy

and then we took him to the station

and then Robert booked him and printed him

and then I told Robert I had to throw up

and Judy took me home.

- How is Robert? - He's fine.

He's.. I've never seen him like that.

He just took control. He's...

You know, it's like one minute he's my brother

who eats like this, and the next minute, he's like this... cop.

- Why? What did he do? - Eh, I don't know.

It happened so fast. I don't know exactly.

And my view was a little obstructed by the... table leg.

Oh...

Oh, were you scared?

- A little. - Oh...

Yeah, b-but Robert, you know, was... was not.

Well, you know, that's his job. I mean--

I know, I know, but I couldn't do that.

I mean, what's the most dangerous thing I do?

I let the kids jump on me without wearing a cup.

Robert, Robert is, he's really...

- He's-he's really... - You're proud of him.

Well... He's like a... hero.

You know, and-and everybody's always making a big fuss

about what I do just 'cause I have some column.

Robert's the one whose name should be in the paper.

Did you tell him that?

You know what? I'm gonna do better than that.

- Who are you calling? - Hold on.

Hey, Max. Yeah, it's Ray. Listen...

You didn't put the paper to bed yet, did you?

Okay, great. I got a great story.

I went with my brother on this police ride-along.

Yeah, yeah, the big guy. Yeah, the chin-toucher.

Yeah, listen, listen, you're not gonna believe what happened.

- Honey, what are you doing? - I'm cutting Molly's hair.

Oh, no, no, sweetie, if you cut a doll's hair

it doesn't grow back. Only people hair grows back.

Oh.

- Geoffrey! - No, no, sweetie, sweetie, no.

That's okay. Just cut the doll's hair.

Oh, here, see? You missed a spot.

- Hey. - Hey.

- Is the article in there? - I can't... find it.

- Oh, no. - What, they didn't print it?

- Look at that. - That's you.

I know. That's a picture of me. Why?

"Newsday's own Ray Barone survives pizza holdup."

I thought it was supposed to be about Robert.

It was! "Sports columnist Ray Barone

"while on a citizen ride-along, narrowly escaped

gunplay when an armed robber.." Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah!

Does it mention him at all?

"Police apprehended the suspect."

That.. Police. They didn't mention him.

He's police.

Well.. Oh, no. What did they do?

Hey, maybe Robert won't read the paper today.

He's Robert. He reads it every day.

He reads it, he taps his chin 12 times with it

and he reads it again.

Aaggh!

Hey, Robert.

Oh, you read the paper.

I only wish I didn't have to read it again.

- "Newsday's own Ray Barone--" - Okay, okay, let me explain.

No, no. No need.

Listen, the reason I called the paper--

The reason, Raymond... I think I know the reason.

- It's called self-promotion. - What? No.

What's the matter, Raymond, huh?

Sports section isn't enough anymore?

Oh, come on--

You have to be all over the paper.

- Robert. - Ga-ga-ga-ga.

Why don't you hop on the subway

make the travel section?

- Alright, come on. - How about the food section?

"Newsday's own Ray Barone enjoys salami sandwich."

- Robert-- - I'll tell you what.

I'll give you change for a dollar.

You can make the financial pages.

"Ray Barone converts paper into coin."

- Are you through? - Yes.

Unless you're gonna be changing your clothes today.

- Robert, I'm s-- - Fashion pages!

I get it! I get it, Robert.

Why are people talking?

It's 8:00 in the morning.

No talking before 9:00.

Oh, good, Raymond. You're back.

- You hungry? - No, no. No, thanks, mom.

- So how was it? - Here.

You can read about it in the paper.

No, give me... Come on, Robert.

Robert, what is that?

"Newsday's own Ray Barone survives...

- Guns?" - Listen, listen! The point wa--

What did you do to your brother?

- What? What happened? - Nothing happened.

Nemo's was robbed, and Raymond was there.

I knew that something would happen to him.

What happened to him? He's standing here.

He's fine!

Let's celebrate with the making of some eggs.

- Are you okay, sweetie? - Yes, I'm okay because Robert--

Oh, how could you do that to your brother?

- No, ma, you don't understand. - He could've been killed!

- Ma, you don't understand-- - Be quiet.

What business do you have getting involved

in something like that with your brother there? He's gentle!

- Police business, mom. My job? - Oh, stop with the excuses!

No more tag-arounds!

It's a ride-along, ma. Okay?

And you don't have to worry anymore

'cause it'll never happen again.

Gentle Raymond can stay as far away from me as possible.

Come on. Robert!

Alright, good. Alright, you, you must be upset, sweetie.

I-I'll make you some oatmeal. That'll settle your stomach.

Who the hell voted for oatmeal?

Forget the oatmeal. Why-why are you doing that to him?

Do what?

You act like it's nothing what he does.

He stopped an armed robbery last night.

I didn't do anything. I had to throw up.

You threw up? You should have some dry toast.

Will you stop? Robert's the one you should be worried about.

Are you listening to me, ma?

He's the one who's out there every day.

He's the one who's risking his life--

I know what he does.

I don't need to think about it.

Okay, I just wanted you to know--

Enough! Your mother doesn't like to think about it!

Now-now you made me forget. What is it, oatmeal or eggs, Marie?

- Let's go! - Okay.

Come on!

Excuse me.

- You taking Shamsky for a walk? - Yep.

Hey, maybe I'll go with you.

Well, you better check with your mama.

Oh, come on, Robert. Wait up.

It's cold. You two, button your coats.

- So... - Yeah?

You always walk him this early?

I gotta get him to the park before the other dogs.

- Why, he fights? - Nah. Shy bladder.

Listen, the newspaper thing. I... It was supposed to be about you.

- You know, I told them-- - No, no, listen...

I know how that stuff works.

You work for the paper. People know who you are.

You're the important part.

No, you were the important part.

Alright, listen, I'm fine with it, okay?

It doesn't matter to me what people think.

I know.

I'm glad I saw that, though, 'cause you were...

...something.

- Thanks. - Hmm.

Want to go again tonight?

What are you, nuts?

Well, how about to the park?

Yeah, okay. Park, okay.

- You gonna button your coat? - Nah.

Nah. Me neither.

You couldn't listen to your mother.

Next time I say button your coats

maybe you'll button your coats.

And no more "Cops." That's not entertainment.