Original subtitles

- Hey, sniggles. - Hey.

Glad you're home. I made you some lemon chicken.

- Oh, yeah? Good. Good. - Yeah.

- I'm starving. - Good.

Hi!

Raymond, I saw the car. Are you hungry?

Oh, Marie, I already made him some lemon chicken.

Yeah, but you know how he loves my spaghetti and meatballs.

Yeah, Ray, go ahead, if you want

spaghetti and meatballs, go ahead.

No, no, the lemon chicken, I mean

I'm-I'm eating the lemon chicken.

Look, you just, eat what you want

'cause I can wrap this up for later.

What? Nobody cares, right?

- Well, give me the meatballs. - Alright!

- There. Alright. - Great, great, great.

Debra, sit down. There's plenty.

Here, let me get rid of that for you.

Hi, I'm Ray, and I live here

in long island with my wife Debra...

...my six-year-old daughter and twin two-year-old boys.

My parents...

...live across the street.

That's right.

And my brother lives with them.

Now, not every family would defy gravity for you

but mine would because--

Everybody loves Raymond.

Hey, you didn't, uh...

How's it going on Mount Everest? Heh.

Anybody die yet?

Just go watch your sports, okay?

What? What did I do?

- What? - You... you...

You picked your mom's spaghetti and meatballs

over my lemon chicken.

Wait, wait a minute.

You-you said, "Have whatever you want."

I know. It's just...

I don't know. It's... Oh, forget it. It's stupid.

Just forget it, okay?

What the hell is wrong with my lemon chicken?

Nothing. Nothing. It's fine.

- "Fine?" - Yeah.

God, why didn't you just come out and say it?

You hate my cooking.

No, I don't. Come on, you're very...

Hey, since when do you care so much about cooking?

I don't. I don't.

My mother cares about cooking. I don't care about it.

Oh, alright, then why are we talking about it?

Because I care about it, okay?

I don't want to care about it.

It's just... Ugh.

It's the one thing that I'm sensitive about.

The one thing?

Alright, the big thing. It's...

Look, all I'm saying is that, you know

given everything that I do around here

why do I care so much

that I can't make spaghetti and meatballs

for my husband as good as his mother?

Because...

...because you're a good wife.

Don't you ever, ever call me that again.

Oh, Frank, wh-what are you doing

putting back an empty thing?

That's not empty.

- There's some left there. - Two drops?

Who's going to drink two drops of juice?

I am.

Alright.

Let me pour you a nice glass of juice.

Say when.

Right there's...

...perfect!

Ahh!

That was good.

I think I'll save the rest for later.

- Hey. Here's your pot. - 'Hi.'

- You hungry? - No, no.

Well, you got any more of those, uh, meatballs?

Yeah. I'll make you a sandwich.

Yeah. Yeah.

Hey, let me ask you something.

How do you make those meatballs?

What do you mean?

I mean, uh, you know, I know there's meat...

...and there's balling...

...but what do you put in it?

Is there, like, a recipe or something?

I stopped using a recipe years ago.

I cook from here.

And you nag from here.

Hey, how about a sandwich for me?

Here.

You can wash it down with that.

Ma, really, what do you do?

What, do you put, like, oregano in it and--

All of a sudden, you want to know how to cook.

What's wrong with you?

It's not for me.

I want to get the recipe for Debra.

What are you saying, Raymond?

That Debra wants to learn my way

of cooking spaghetti and meatballs for you?

I think, yeah.

That's wonderful.

Alright. So give me the recipe, then.

Oh, no, no. She can't learn from a recipe.

I'll have to go over there and show her.

No. No, no, no, no.

No show. No showing. No. Come on.

Just give me the recipe. I'll give it to her.

That's nonsense. I'd love to show her.

You go tell her that we're gonna

spend the whole afternoon together.

- Today? - Yeah, of course.

Good, that'll give me time to finish my sandwich.

Hey, baby bop.

Hey.

You know, listen

I was thinking about what you said last night.

What if we just asked my mother to come over and show you

how to make those meatballs, huh?

Whatever.

That way, you would feel better

because you know how to do it

and that, that's better, right?

What if she just comes over and just shows you

how to do it, huh?

What do you think about that?

That would be horrible.

- Oh, boy. - 'What?'

Hi, dear.

I'm so glad you want help.

I'm a good person. Really, I am.

Well, here's your official Marie Barone

spaghetti and meatballs kit...

...Marie Barone included.

Good luck.

You know, Marie, you don't have to go to all this trouble.

Yes, but Raymond tells me that this is something

you really want to learn.

Yeah, I'm sure he told you that.

I'm sure, sure he would love for me to cook like you

sure he would love for me to be you.

Well, let's start with the meatballs

and see how far we get.

Look, ma, maybe this isn't a good time.

No, no, no, Ray, you want me to learn how to cook.

- I'm gonna learn how to cook. - Uh, you know what?

I'll go watch the ball game with Robert

and then, if you need me--

Okay, okay.

You're in crap town, huh?

Meet the mayor.

Alright, now...

...to make the perfect meatball

the most important ingredient is the love.

Without the love, it's just a ball of meat.

- "Ball of meat." - Right.

This is the most essential thing.

Without this, you can't do anything.

Okay. How much do I put in?

Well, it depends on how much is left, dear.

- Alright, Marie. - Okay.

- There. - Good.

Okay, do your stuff. I'm watching.

No, no, no, I'm here for you.

- But you're the cook. - No, no, no, no.

Oh, honey, I know you can do it.

- Oh, I don't know. - No. Oh, now, honey...

Meat is nothing to be afraid of.

- Okay. - Alright.

Stand back, lady. I'm goin' in.

Now, what do you call this again?

Alrighty.

- Yeah? - Wow! Yeah, they're good!

Yes? Oh...

I mean, th-they're good. They're really good.

Well, thank you. Well, I made 'em myself.

I mean, you know, your mom talked me

through 'em but I made 'em.

And you know what? She was really great about it.

- And we really had fun. - Hah!

- Fun with my mother? - Yeah.

Well, that's great, and this is great.

Oh. Hoo-hoo! Good.

- They're great. - Okay.

'Come on, kids, dinner.'

'We're having mommy's meatballs, huh?'

You did it.

Wow! Wow! Wow!

Maybe I sauteed the garlic too long.

W-was that the weird taste?

Come on, look, we went over this ten times

and remember what we decided?

I don't care.

Come on, how bad were they?

They're not bad. They're not bad.

They're different from my mother's, that's all.

You know what? They might even be better.

Oh, better. You spit them out.

Alright. Okay.

Look, maybe you got the recipe wrong, okay? That's all.

How could I get the recipe wrong?

She was right there with me.

Well, maybe my mother forgot to tell you

something you were supposed to put in it.

Yeah. Yeah, maybe she forgot.

Or maybe...

What?

Yeah, maybe she... eyecch. Huh?

- No. No. - Huh?

- No. - No, Ray?

Oh, you don't think it's possible

that she deliberately sabotaged my meatballs, huh?

- Do you hear yourself? - 'Ray--'

Are you listening to yourself?

Ray, this is the same woman that walked in

to my Thanksgiving dinner with her own turkey.

That's 'cause you made fish.

You told me you liked the fish!

Alright, look, okay, listen to me.

I know, I know cooking is the

the one thing that you're sensitive about, okay?

- Yeah. - Yeah. But this is crazy.

Crazy, crazy, crazy stuff here, okay?

There's no, there's no conspiracy.

No, no, no. Listen.

The meatballs are not exactly like my mother's

and I'm saying to you...

...we have a house.

We have a car.

Our student loans are paid off.

You should be able to sleep!

Goodnight!

You're right. I'm sorry.

- Goodnight. - Night.

Hello.

Just want to return a spoon.

- Ooh! - Aah!

- Debra? - Robert.

- Problem? - Oh, no. No, no.

Um, ahem, I was just returning this spoon

and I didn't know where your mother kept it

so I was just looking around.

- Oh. Oh. - Yeah.

Right here.

Okay.

Great. Thanks.

Goodnight.

- Debra. - Hm?

Were you really here just for the spoon?

Well, uh--

'Cause, you know, I-I've dealt

with my fair share of break-ins

and, uh, I have to tell ya...

...it's never the spoon.

Well, alright.

Um, actually, I-I just wanted to take a look

at your mom's meatball recipe.

'Cause I tried to make 'em, and, uh--

Yeah, yeah.

I heard your meatballs stink.

No, they don't stink.

You know, that's not the word on the street.

Robert, I-I just want to make 'em...

...perfect, you know?

Did you ever want to get something just perfect?

Sure, like when you wash your car keys.

Yeah.

You ever smell your keys?

Robert, could you do me a favor?

Could-could you just show me where

your mom keeps the recipes?

'Cause I just-I just wanted to-to see

if I jotted it down correctly.

You want me to give you my mom's recipe?

Please, Robert?

I mean, I, I can't explain it.

I just feel like second best.

Second best?

I can explain it to you.

Alright.

I think I know where she keeps 'em.

- Thanks. - Okay?

Okay, here it is

the box.

I don't think this is the right box.

No, no. This is the box.

This is where she keeps her stuff

for when she, you know?

- Oh, my God. It's recipes. - Yes.

Stuffed shells, yep, steak pizzaola.

Yeah, Ray loves the pizzaola.

Eggplant parmesan, meatballs.

- There you go. - Okay, let's see.

Oh, no.

What?

It's exactly the same. This is exactly what she told me.

Well, that's good, isn't it?

Yeah. Yeah, it's great.

The only thing different is me.

Well, uh... c-come on, Deb.

You just need some practice, that's all.

Hey, it took me a long time to get my keys to smell right.

Oh, now what?

You're runnin' away to cooking school?

Nope.

I'm packin' up your mother's stuff.

I can't cook. I shouldn't have tried.

- What are you talkin' about? - I saw the recipe.

- What? - Yes, Ray.

I snuck over there

I saw the hatbox, I found the recipe

and they're exactly the same.

- You went over there? - Yes.

- Tonight? - Yes. Yes.

And now I know that I can't cook, so I'm giving up.

'Cause I don't have the love.

You, you snuck over there?

You went through her things?

I gotta tell you something, okay?

Say what you want about my mother.

"Oh, your mother!" Yeah, my mother.

My mother came over here, and she spent the whole day

showing you how to make the meatballs, okay?

That's my mother.

Huh?

Debra?

- Ray, what is this? - What?

This bottle of basil that your mother gave me

has another label underneath.

"Tuh-rag-on."

Tarragon.

Oh, that's-that's your weird taste.

Uh-huh.

That's not in the recipe, is it?

No!

- Oh, my God. - Uh-huh. Okay, Ray? Okay?

- That's your mother! - I don't get it.

Do you still think she's trying to help me? Hm?

Listen, why would she go to all that trouble?

Isn't it easier to leave out an ingredient?

For an amateur!

My God! This even looks like basil!

Look at the label. It fits perfectly on here.

My God, you know, this is the work of an evil genius.

I don't get it. I don't get it.

You know what I don't get?

I don't get that you couldn't see my side of this!

You're so busy defending your saint of a mother

that you make me out to be some kind of ungrateful nut case!

Well, who's the nut case now, Ray?

Who's the nut case now?

Raymond, what happened?

Why did you call? Is everybody okay?

- Yeah. - You hungry?

No.

Then what's wrong?

This, ma. What is this?

This-this is a jar of tarragon.

Why?

Just stop, alright? 'Cause we know, we know.

We know all about it.

This is very bad, mom.

How did you find out?

Your fake label came off.

The damn glue stick.

Y-you know, Debra's right.

She's right. I don't stick up for her enough.

I'm always giving you the benefit of the doubt

'cause I don't want to upset you

a-and you pull something like this.

Do you, do you know what you did?

Do you know how crazy you drove Debra?

I didn't mean to make her crazy!

I just wanted her to try to make the meatballs

fail and give up.

That way, everything would stay right.

Right? What-what makes that right?

You have a problem, ma!

Okay, okay, I have a problem

but let me ask you something, Raymond.

Would you come over here so much

if, i-if I didn't make food for you?

Yeah.

I'd come over for...

...other things.

What other things?

These special moments.

Raymond, I'm your mother.

I used to do everything for you.

And then, like, I blinked, and you grew up.

What do I do for you anymore?

I mean, what's left?

My food.

Okay, mom, it's very, very good food

but, no, you can't do this.

Oh, I know, I know it was wrong

but, just, Debra asked for my recipes and I panicked.

I'll understand if you don't want to come over anymore.

I'm gonna come over more.

I just, I wanted you to see what you did to Debra.

I know. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I know it was wrong. I'll talk to her.

She's pretty mad, ma.

Don't worry, because she-she's a mother too.

She'll understand.

Yeah.

You want somethin' to eat?

- Alright. - Oh...

That son of a bitch.

So you see, dear, this is a list

of who gets what when I, you know...

...and here's you.

You were gonna get all the recipes anyway.

I just wanted to wait till I was gone

before I was replaced.

- Can you understand? - I understand.

So...

...here they all are.

Oh, boy.

Can you forgive me?

Will I be able to make meatballs as good as yours?

- Yes. Oh-ho-ho! - Okay, I forgive you.

- Alright. - Okay.

So use them in good health.

- Alright. - That's nice. Isn't that nice?

Hey, where's the steak pizzaola?