Original subtitles

*** Subtitles by dylux ***

(Horses galloping)

(Crowd roaring)

(Squire) Shall we help him?

Well, he has to be in the lists in two minutes,

two minutes or forfeit.

Lend us those.

Right. Left.

Thank you.

Dead.

Eh?

Three scores to none after two lances.

All Sir Ector needs t'do is not fall off 'is horse an' we've won!

He's dead. (Sighs)

What d'you mean "dead"?

The spark of his life is smothered in shite.

His spirit is gone but his stench remains.

Does that answer your question?

No, no, no, no, no...

No, he sleeps, rouse him.

We're minutes from victory, I haven't eaten in three days!

None of us have Wat!

We need to fetch a priest.

No, he's not dead!

You wake up!

Come on, hah?!

Come on!

Uhh!

Ahh!!!

You manky git! (Banging continues)

Roland...

Oi, Squire!

Sir Ector must report at once,

or forfeit the match.

- Oh he's uh... - He's on his way!

(Horse snorts)

Hah!

I'll ride in his place.

(Roland sighing)

Strip his armor,

I'm riding in his place.

Wat, stop kicking him, calm down!

I'm riding in his place.

Help me, please.

What's your name, William?

I'm asking you, William Thatcher, to answer me with your name.

It's not "Sir" William.

It's not "Count" or "Duke" or "Earl" William. It's certainly not "King" William?

I'm aware of that.

You have to be of noble birth to compete!

A detail!

The landscape is food.

Do you want to eat or don't you?

If the nobles find out who you are, there'll be the devil to pay!

Then pray that they don't.

♪ (Queen's "We Will Rock You") ♪ (Crowd stomping and clapping)

♪ Buddy you're a boy Make a big noise ♪

♪ Playin' in the street Gonna be a big man some day ♪

♪ You got mud on yo' face ♪

♪ You big disgrace ♪

♪ Kickin' your can All over the place ♪

♪ Singin' ♪

(Crowd) ♪ We will, we will, rock you! ♪

(Crowd) Oi!

(Trumpet blowing)

♪ We will, we will, rock you! ♪

♪ Buddy you're a young man, hard man ♪

♪ Shoutin' in the street gonna take on the world some day ♪

♪ You got blood on yo' face ♪

♪ You big disgrace ♪

- ♪ Wavin' your banner all over the place ♪ - (Knight)...to the lists!

♪ We will, we will, rock you! ♪

(Trumpet blowing)

♪ Sing it! Ah! ♪

♪ We will, we will, rock you! ♪

♪ Buddy you're an old man, poor man ♪

♪ Pleadin' with your eyes gonna make you some peace some day ♪

(Peasant boy whooping)

♪ You got mud on your face ♪

♪ You big disgrace ♪ (Horn blowing, peasant girl whooping)

♪ Somebody better put you back into your place ♪

♪ We will, we will, rock you! ♪

(Horse neighing)

(Knight) Yeah-hah!!

♪ We will, we will, rock you! ♪

♪ Buddy you're a young man, hard man ♪

♪ Shoutin' in the street gonna take on the world some day ♪

(Bald peasant) Okay, here we go! Yeah!)

♪ You got blood on yo' face ♪

♪ You big disgrace) ♪

♪ Wavin' your banner all over the place ♪ (Waving crowd shouting Oi!!!)

♪ We will, we will, rock you! ♪

♪ Sing it! Ah! ♪

♪ We will, we will, rock you! ♪

♪ Everybody ♪

♪ We will, we will... ♪

♪ Rock you! ♪

Visor!

Come on, we're late!

♪ We will, we will, rock you! ♪

(William's horse neighing)

♪ Alright ♪

(Dog whimpering)

(Crowd cheering)

(Guitar solo over trumpets)

The score stands at three lances to none!

In favor of Sir Ector!

Lord Philip of Aragon,

Stand ye ready?!

(Crowd) Aragon! Aragon! Aragon...

Sir Ector,

Stand ye ready?!

Ready?

Of course, I have tilted against Sir Ector many times you know.

In practice as his target.

You're never allowed to strike him.

Badger me not with details.

Landscape, then. Stay on the horse.

He needs 3 points to beat you so a broken lance won't win it for him,

he has to knock you off the horse!

I know how to score, Roland.

I've waited my whole life for this moment.

You've waited your whole life for Sir Ector to shite himself to death?

(Crowd) ...Ector! Ector! Ector...

(Horse snorts)

(Crowd roars)

Hyaah!!

(Horse neighing)

(Roland) Hooaahh!!!

Hooaahh!!!

Hooaaahh!!!

(William panting)

Get it in the cradle, get it in...

- ...the cradle. - Get it in the cradle!!

(William) Ahh!

- (William) Uhh!! - (Crowd roaring)

Oohh!

Yeah!

- (Wat) Yeah, damn you! (Laughing) - (Roland) William, are you all right?

- Are you alive?! William, can you hear me? - We won! We won!

- William? Get off me! William! - We won! We won!

can you hear me, William?

(Roland) Is he breathing?

(Wat) We won!!

He's breathing! He's breathing!!

He's breathing!!

Ah, ha ha ha ha!!

Sir Ector...

Sir Ector,

remove your helmet!

Uh...my lord...

I'm afraid the final blow of the lance has bent it onto my head.

H-he says...er... the final blow of th-uhh!

I present your champion, my lord.

(Crowd cheering, whistling)

(Crowd cheering)

Twenty.

No, Ten.

Fifteen.

Done.

(Horse neighing)

Very good. Cheers.

Fifteen silver florins. He didn't want that.

That's five for William.

Five... for Wat.

Five for Roland, who's going straight home to England.

Straight to the pub for me. Eel pie, brie tart...

tansy cakes with peppermint cream oh-hohohoho...

We could do this.

Do it? we've done it, boy. That's silver in your hand.

No, I mean, we can do this.

We can be champions.

Give us your coins.

Now, come on, give me your coins.

Right.

Right, now that's one for you.

And one...

for you.

Which leaves...

thirteen.

That's thirteen for training and outfitting.

Now the tournament in Rouen is in a month from now.

In one month we could split a prize bigger than this one.

In one month we could be on our way to glory and riches

none of us ever dreamed of.

In one month we could be laid in a ditch with Sir Ector,

I don't want glory and riches William, I just want to go home.

Tansy cakes with peppermint cream,

Dilled veal balls with squash fritters, I'll take my five now!

(Sighs)

Boy!

Oi, wait up!

You're going the wrong way!

But you can't even joust.

Most of it is the guts to take a blow, to strike one, guts I have.

And technique?

I have a month to learn that.

Besides the sword,

name a man better with a sword than I?

In the practice ring!

You're not of noble birth.

- (William) Oh so, we lie. - (Crows cawing)

How did the nobles become noble in the first place huh?

They took it,

at the tip of a sword.

I'll do it with a lance.

- A blunted lance? - Oh, no matter, Wat!

A man can change his stars!

And I won't spend the rest of my life as nothing.

That is nothing. And nothing is right where glory'll take us!

We're the sons of peasants.

Glory and riches and stars are beyond our grasp.

But a full stomach? That dream can come true!

If you can take your coins, go to England, eat cake.

But if you can't,

you, come with me.

You see money doesn't matter!

Huh?!!

- N-no!... - (All grunting)

N-noo!

Aahhh! Oww!

- Ohhh! - (Roland chuckling)

You see how hungry I am?!

Do you?!

Damn your stomach, Wat!

(Roland chuckling)

Roland, please.

With 13 silver pieces, three men can change their stars.

(Roland) God love you, William.

(Chuckling) I know, I know. No one else will.

♪ (War's "Low Rider" playing) ♪

- Ohh! - Hah!!

Uhh! Oohmm!

Unlucky!

- I think he's getting worse. - He is getting worse.

Whoah!!

Uh!

(Thud!) Ahh!!!

Uhhh!

Ohh...

(Both grunting)

(Roland) Switch!

(Wat yelling)

Eaayahh!!

Switch.

Glory and riches... Glory and riches...

Glory and riches!!

(Wat groaning)

Aieee!!

Ah! Umm! (Grunting)

You see how dangerous it is?!

(William) Faster!

Faster, Roland!

Alright, use those legs!

Come on, Roland. Faster! Faster!

(Roland) You've missed it.

You've done it dozens of times.

Well, I guess that means we should do it again.

Come on. (Clicking)

(Tongue clicking)

Come on, ponies. (Clicking)

Fong him!

Faster, faster, balance!

(William) No, no, no, no, slow and slow. Keep it steady!

Ah! Oh! Ha-haahhh!!!

Got it! Look, I got it! I got it!

I go... Aahh!

(Wat laughing)

(Roland chuckling)

Any minute now.

Uhh?

(Wat yelling)

Switch!

Switch!

- Yes, better! - Nice one!

Nice!

(Wat) It's my turn to ride.

(William) Nooo.

We haven't reached the mile marker yet.

And I'm not sure you should.

Suppose we passed another knight,

how would it look if my squire rode while I walked?

(Wat) I don't give a witch's teat!

It's my turn! It's my turn!

(Roland) Hey, hey, hey, maybe nobody should be ridin'.

The horse is not what he used to be, and we need him right?

Fine, Fine, Fine!

Morning!

Morning!

Oi, sir!

Wha' are you doing?

Uh...

Trudging.

You know, trudging? To trudge?

To trudge the slow, weary...

depressing, yet determined walk of a man who has nothing left in his life

except the impulse to simply,

soldier on!

Um... were you robbed?

Er... interesting question actually... Yes.

And at the same time, a huge, resounding "No."

It's more a sort of involuntary vow of poverty...

...really.

But you know on the brighter side,

trudging does represent pride.

Pride, resolve and faith

in the good Lord Almighty.

Please, Christ, rescue me from my current tribul-

Aahhgh!!

...lations.

Who are ya?

Lilium inter spinas.

"The lily among the thorns."

Geoffrey Chaucer's the name.

Writing's the game.

Chaucer?

Geoffrey Chaucer, the writer?

A what?

A wha- "a what?" A writer.

You know I write with, ink and parchment.

(Sniffs) For a penny, I'll scribble you anything you want. From...

summonses, decrees, edicts, warrants, patents of nobility.

I've even been known to jot down a poem or two if the muse descends.

You probably read my book?

The Book of the Duchess?

Fine! Well, it was allegorical.

Well, we won't hold that against you. That's for each man to decide for himself.

Did you say patents of nobility?

Yes, that's right, I did.

And you gentlemen are?

WelL...

well I am Sir Ulrich... uh... Von Lichtenstein from Gelderland,

and these here are my faithful squires...

uh, Delves...

of... Dodgington...

and... uh... Fowlehurst...

of Crewe.

I'm Richard the Lionheart, pleased to meet you

No, wait a minute, I'm Charlemagne!

No, I'm St. John the Baptist-sshit!

All right!

Oohf!

Hold your tongue, sir, or lose it!

Now you see that I do believe...

Sir Ulrich.

Thank you...

Geoff.

Have you any more to say Master Nude, or having failed your test may we be on our way?

Oh, you're off to the tournament, are ye?

This is the road to Rouen isn't it?

Well, you know, that really remains to be seen.

Y'see. they're limiting the field at Rouen.

Noble birth must be established for four generations on either side of the family,

patents of nobility must be provided.

(Sighs)

Listen, clothe me,

shoe me, for God's sake feed me, let me ride that horse a bit

and you'll have your patents.

No.

Patents of nobility.

We need him.

We need him.

A'right let me handle it.

Be nice.

(Sighs)

Nice, nice, nice...

All right.

Uh...

betray us,

and I will fong you, until your insides are out,

your outsides are in, your entrails will become your extrails.

I will wreak...

all the p...

uh...

p-pain!

Lots of pain!

(Crowd roaring)

(Geoff) May I present my Lord Ulrich,

whose mother's father was Shilhard von Rechberg

son of the Duke Guelph of Saxony,

son of Ghibellines, son of Wendish the 4th earl of brunswich

the same Wendish who inherited the fief of luhmberg...

That'll do, herald.

Six generations is more than enough. Show me the patents.

Indicate in which events shall your Lord Ulrich compete.

King of Arms) He'll first meet Roger Lord Mortimer.

Thank you very much.

I can't believe it!

You did it, Chaucer!

I have to thank you. I didn't think we had a chance.

Mmm...

My pleasure, William.

Now if you don't mind, I think I'll stick around and see how things turn out

act as my herald, and you'll receive a share of the winnings.

Done.

Now if you don't mind, I have to go see a man about a dog.

(William) ♪ Walking out from Cheapside ♪

♪ My fortunes for to seek ♪

♪ I passed along the River Thames ♪

♪ Its waters did they reek ♪

(Old woman laughs)

♪ T'was there I met a pretty lass ♪

♪ She said her name was Nell... ♪

"Bell" or "hell" rhymes with Nell.

(Clicking)

Would you speak to me?

Ah, to speak.

But sir, my sex are marked by their silence.

Oh, I would hear you speak if it cost me my ears.

That is well, for I do not want silence in my life.

Tell me your name.

Would you care if I were ugly?

Uh, Yes!

I mean, no. I mean... if...

You desecrate the house of God!!!

Oh,

Ohh!! (Chuckles)

(Priests murmuring)

Uh...

Tell me your name, woman.

And what would you do with my name, Sir Hunter?

Call me a fox, for that is all I am to you.

A fox?

Oh well then a fox you shall be until I find your name,

my foxy lady!

Ahh!

He's a handsome hunter. I give him that.

Does this not shock you, ladies?!

Certainly, my lord. (Chuckling)

I-I just, I only laugh just to keep from weeping.

Beauty is such a curse.

Pray your years come swiftly.

Pray your beauty fades that you may better serve God.

Oh, I do, my lord. I pray for it all the time.

Why? God, did you curse me with this face?

God's will has a purpose, but we may not know it.

Oh, that is lovely!

♪ Credo in unum Deum... ♪

(Ladies giggling)

♪ (Kyrie music) ♪

(Crowd roaring)

Yeeaahh!!

Yeaah!

(Both laughing)

Yeah-Hahaha...!

Yeaahh!

All-right!!

Sir Ulrich von Lichtenstein,

defeats Roger Lord Mortimer one lance to none!

(Crowd cheering)

Easy boys! They're likely to think it's the first time I've broken a lance!

Hah! but it is william, it is!

But Sir Ulrich's broken thousands of lances!

Well, come on, master of a thousand lances you're due in the sword ring in 2 minutes.

- Come on! - My armor's loose!

(Hammering on metal)

Oh Shite! If they come overhead, I can't block!

Well, there's nothing for it now. We're overdue in the sword ring as we speak.

Ohh!

It was a mistake to do 2 events. I don't have time to breathe.

I should withdraw from the sword.

B-But the sword is by far what you're best at.

But the prizes are bigger in the joust,

the prestige as well.

Ulrich von Lichtenstein?

Yes.

I am Simon the Summoner.

And I'm overdue at the sword arena

I must detain you, on behalf of your herald.

(William) You were never robbed, were you?

Look, I have a gambling problem.

I can't help myself.

And these people they'll... heh!...

quite literally take the clothes off your back.

What do you expect us to do about it?

He assured us that you, his liege, would pay us.

And who are you?

Peter, a humble pardoner...

and purveyor of religious relics.

Mmm...

How much does he owe you?

Ten gold florins.

You manky git!

- Pain! Pain! - Get him off me! (Muffled)

- Hey, hey, hey!! - Take the pain!!

- Wat, let him go! - Get him off...

Oww!!

(Sniffs)

What would you do to him

if I was to refuse?

We,

on behalf of the Lord God,

will take it from his flesh,

so that he may understand

that gambling,

is a sin.

Oh, come on...

please, Will...

Please, will you help me, Sir Ulrich?

I promise you won't regret it.

I don't have the money.

Release him...

and for God's sake give him back his clothes...

and you'll get it.

Done!

(Snaps fingers)

You lied!

Yes, yes I lied I'm a...I'm a writer. I give the truth scope!

Behold my Lord Ulrich von Lichtenstein!!

Son of Shilhard...

(Sword Official) Too late!

Excuse me?

Too late. He's been announced.

Fine!

Ten blows by sword.

Sir Ulrich to receive first.

Sword.

Yeeearrghhh!!

Look out!!

(Sword clashing)

(William) Aagghh!

- Strike!! - (Crowd cheering)

Aahh!!

(Wat) Turn it around!

Uhh!

Strike!

(Wat) Stop letting him hit you!

(Roland) Oh shut up! Shut up!

Two strikes for Sir Walter Loring!

Sir Ulrich to strike!

- Now it's your turn, mate! - Come on, Ulrich!

come on!!

(Wat) Hit 'im with your sword!

(Wat) Yeah! yeah!

Strike!

I taught him that! That's me! That's me!

Sir Ulrich prevails, five strikes to two!

(Geoff) Yeeess!!

Behold my Lord Ulrich!

The rock! The hard place!

Like a wind from Gelderland, he sweeps by!

Blown far from his homeland in search of glory and honor!

We walk!

In the garden of his

TURPULENCE!!

(Silence, crickets chirping)

Yeeaahh!!

(crowd cheers)

♪ (B.T.O.'s "Takin' Care Of Business") ♪

(Grunting, metal clashing)

♪ You get up every morning ♪

♪ From your alarm clock's warning ♪

♪ Take the 8:15 into the city ♪

♪ There's a whistle up above ♪

♪ People pushin', people shovin' ♪

♪ And the girls Who try to look pretty ♪

♪ And if your train's on time You can get to work by 9 ♪

♪ And start your slaving job To get your pay ♪

♪ If you ever get annoyed Look at me, I'm self-employed ♪

♪ I love to work at nothing all day ♪

♪ And I'll be Takin' care of business ♪

♪ Every day ♪

♪ Takin' care of business ♪

♪ Every way, I'll be ♪

♪ Takin' care of business ♪

♪ It's all mine ♪

♪ Takin' care of business ♪

♪ And working over time, Work out ♪

- You've done it, You're champion. - Of the sword.

That's why we're standin' here, isn't it? Come on, to the lists.

(Geoff) Do you want to touch him?!

Do you want to touch him?!

(Horse neighing)

Ulrich! Ulrich! Ulrich...!

We should've saved our last penny for the blacksmith.

(William) No, I can't pay you now...

but I promise you I will, just as--

No! Money.

Excuse me.

Cash first, not promises.

Aahh! Go on!

Excuse me, sir, I...

You might try the farris.

A woman?

Beggars cannot be choosers, my lord.

Thank you.

Excuse me.

I don't work for free.

And I can't joust with broken armor.

Your problem, not mine.

Each drop of this sweat has a price on it.

Oh, just as well. They told me I was daft to even ask you.

Who?

Oh, the other armorers.

(Hot iron hissing)

Did they say I couldn't do it because I'm a woman?

N-no... they said you're great with horseshoes, but shite with armor.

The fact you're a woman wasn't even mentioned.

(Metal clanging)

(Peddler) Cat's meat! Hot wine!

Cat's meat! Hot wine?!

Cat's meat! Hot wine...!

(Lances smashing, crowd roaring)

Lady, I will win this tournament for you.

Nay! I will win for you.

My Lady...

May I present Count Adhemar...

winner of the joust in France and high champion at Saint-Emilion.

All such moments forgotten,

when standing before the most beautiful woman in Christendom.

Do you only pretend to fight Count Adhemar,

or do you wage real war as well?

I am leader of the free companies.

My army is in southern France,

for the moment.

Geoff, 'tis my lady.

Oh geez, William, you aim too high.

Oh, if there's another way to aim I don't know it!

Concentrate!

What should I say to her?

What do you think of the joust?

- It's very abrupt. - Hmm...

I'm afraid I don't understand the rules.

Then I shall educate you.

A match is three lances.

One point

is awarded for breaking a lance on a man between the waist and neck.

Two points for breaking on the helmet.

It's difficult.

The helmet sweeps back. Most blows glance off.

Leaving the lance unbroken

and three points for bearing a rider to the ground.

Also, should you bear a rider to the ground, you win his horse.

And do men die in the joust?

The lances points are tipped with coronals, which blunts them.

Of course,

accidents happen.

I myself, Jocelyn, have never been unhorsed.

Nor have I.

Your name, lady.

I still need to hear it.

Sir Hunter, you persist.

Or perhaps angels have no names,

only beautiful faces.

And you are?

Well I am, um...

You've forgotten?

Or your name is Sir "Um."

Ulrich, von Lichtenstein from Gelderland.

Well I'd forget as well, What a mouthful.

(Nobles chuckling)

Your armor, sir.

What about it?

How stylish of you to joust in an antique.

You'll start a new fashion if you win.

My grandfather will be able to wear his in public again.

And a shield...

how quaint.

Hyaahh!

Some of these poor country knights,

little better than peasants.

The second son,

of Sir Wallace Percival, third Earl of Warwick.

My lords, my ladies...

it is with honor I introduce my liege,

Sir Thomas Colville!

(Trumpets blowing)

(Geoff) You're good.

You're very good.

My lords!

My ladies...

and everybody else here not sitting on a cushion?!

(Crowd cheering)

Today...

to-day!

You find yourselves equals!

(Peasants cheering)

For you are all,

equally blessed!

For I have the pride...

the privilege, nay, the pleasure!

Of introducing to you a knight,

sired by knights!

A knight who can trace his lineage back...

beyond Charlemagne.

I first met him...

atop a mountain near Jerusalem...

praying to God...

asking his forgiveness for the saracen blood...

spilt by his sword!

Next, he amazed me still further in Italy...

when he saved a fatherless beauty...

from the would-be ravishings of her dreadful Turkish uncle!

(Crowd booing)

In Greece...

he spent a year...

in silence...

just to better understand the sound...

of a whisper.

And so without further gilding the lily and with no more ado...

I give to you, the seeker of serenity!

The protector,

of Italian virginity!

The enforcer of our Lord God, the one, the only,

SIR UUULLLRICH

VON LICHTENSTEIN!!

(Crowd roaring)

Thank you! Thank you! I'll be here all week!

Well that was different.

Well it's time we celebrated our differences.

Just maybe not in public.

You...

Yes, master Fowlehurst I'm well aware a good fonging is on the way.

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah...

Well, I got their attention. You go and win their hearts.

(Horses galloping)

(Horse neighing)

(Crowd roaring)

(Geoff) Very good.

(William) Was she watching?

- Geoff! - What?

- Did she see me? - Yes, she saw you.

- Did she see me take the hit? - Yes, she saw you take the hit.

- well was she concerned? - It was dreadful, her eyes welled up.

It was awful.

Colville has perfect technique.

I've never seen him before.

Nor I.

But this Lichtenstein.

His technique, rudimentary style, nonexistent. Still, he's fearless.

Hmm...

Fearless? How so?

Slit in the helmet's visor is narrow, but splinters can penetrate it.

Most knights raise their chins at the last instant.

You lose sight of your opponent, when you protect your eyes.

This Ulrich doesn't.

He keeps his eye on the target.

A true hunter.

Sir Ulrich...(Groaning)

I'm through.

But, um...

I've never not finished before.

I wish to keep my honor...

intact.

A draw. And Colville is hurt.

Colville withdraws.

Ulrich advances.

Why didn't Ulrich finish him?

(Scoffs)

He shows mercy.

Then he shows his weakness.

That's all mercy is.

(William sighs)

For the love of victory, William, go to sleep.

I can't.

Love has given me wings, so I must fly.

I can't explain it.

She makes me feel like a poet.

Oh, you may feel like a poet, but you sound like an idiot.

You don't even know her name.

Her name?

Her name is Aphrodite,

Calypso, Venus. Take your pick.

(Wat moaning in his sleep)

Women weaken the heart.

Without your heart, you cannot win.

- Oh but her eyes... - Concentrate.

Tansy cakes!

(Christiana) Count Adhemar sends word.

He said he will win this tournament for you.

He's won many tournaments.

He wins them for himself and for his own honor.

So it's nothing to say he wins them for me.

He wishes to speak to you again.

Not to hear a word I say.

Adhemar wants his women silent.

Would you have Sir Ulrich win this tournament for you?

No.

And he is the only knight who has not promised to do so.

Sir Ulrich von Lichtenstein.

I would have him win my heart.

Adhemar! Adhemar! Adhemar!

Oh, lovely.

Count Adhemar...

I don't think I've ever seen him lose.

No, but defeat him and you'll see it firsthand.

My liege!

Sir Ulrich!

Christiana.

My lady bids you wear this token.

Of course!

She also said to tell you,

her name...

is Jocelyn.

Jocelyn...

- Au revoir. - Au revoir.

Oh, Jocelyn...

Concentrate.

(Horse snorting)

(Horse neighing)

(Reins snap)

(Flag flaps, crowd roars)

(Horse neighs)

(Crowd roars)

(Horse neighs)

- Ohhh!! - Aahh!!

Haahh!!

(Roland) Whoaahh...

I can't breathe.

No style whatsoever.

But neither has an anvil.

whooh! He hits like a hammer. It's Amazing!

But not perfect. He aims high on your chest.

Roll your shoulder back, when you strike his blow may glance to your right.

Oh if he strikes on the right, he'll be striking on the left, I'll be obliterated.

Didn't say I want to gamble

(Horse neighs)

(Crowd roars)

Eeyeahh!! (Laughing)

Ohh...

(Crowd) Ulrich! Ulrich! Ulrich! Ulrich...!

- Yah! Yaahh!! - (Horse neighs)

(Will's Father) Willi-am?!

William?!

William!

William, here!

Come on, come 'ere.

Someday, I'll be a knight.

(Scoffs) A thatcher's son? A knight?

You might as well try to change the stars! (Laughing)

(Chokes)

(Young William) Can it be done, Father?

Can a man change the stars?

Yes, William.

If he believes enough, a man can do anything.

(Horse neighing)

(Crowd roaring)

(william groaning)

Wh-Wh-Whoah, whooahh!

Come here.

Gain more bearing, Ulrich.

See me again when you're worthy.

I'll fong you in the hole of your arse!

Fong your...Aaghh!!

- Oof! - Well done, my lord!

Well done!

- You bastard! - Go and see to Ulrich!

Go, and see to Ulrich!

Well done, my lord!

A noble victory.

My lady, I believe this is yours.

(King of arms) For long spear on foot...

Pandolfo Malatesta.

(Crowd cheering)

For sword on foot, Ulrich von Lichtenstein.

(Will's gang cheering)

And finally, for the mounted joust and tournament champion...

Adhemar, Count of Anjou.

(Louder cheering by crowd)

Adhemar! Adhemar! Adhemar!

I present to you your champions.

Next time I face you, Count Adhemar...

you will look up at me from the flat of your back.

Please. You have been weighed, you have been measured...

and you have been found wanting.

(Will's gang laughing)

Keep winning the sword, and we'll be rich!

I won't compete in the sword again.

It's your best event!

No! It's tournament champion or nothing at all.

Ten florins. That should do.

It's sixes and sevens tonight, Chaucer.

Do you feel lucky?

Do you wear enough clothes?

Go on, begone I'm done with you.

Except to exact my revenge.

Mmm?...

What on earth could you possibly do to us?

I will eviscerate you in fiction.

Every last pimple, every last character flaw.

I was naked for a day.

You will be naked for eternity.

- I have a feeling we shall meet again. - (Peter mocking laughter)

Here, farris,

take what we owe you.

The armor you wear,

t'wasn't made for you, was it?

So, what of it?

I could make such armor you wouldn't even know you wore it.

And how much would that cost me?

Just take me as far as Paris.

We travel alone. Take your gold and go.

Get what you can out of that, the rest of us will pack camp.

Why we leaving so soon?

Tournament at Lagny-sur-Marne starts in a week.

We leave now we can walk most of the way and save the horse.

No, You have to go to banquet tonight. You have to dance. You have to make an appearance.

Oh, and have Adhemar laugh at me again? No!

- (William) No! - (Geoff) Yes!

- Yes! - No!

- Yes! - No!

- Yes! - No!

A-hem, ahem!

- Yes! - No!

My lady would know the color of your lord's tunic tonight.

His tunic?

Yes, so she can dress to match him.

Uh w-we regret to inform your lady that he won't actually be attending...

Herald, do not answer questions you don't know the answer to!

Absolutely, my lord.

Uhh squire, answer her.

What uhh... color is my tunic... tonight.

Uhh...

Green

umm...

Trimmed in a kind of...

pale... green...

uh... with-with...

uh, wooden toggles.

I will tell my lady.

Ooh this is a disaster!

No, it'll tunic up quite nicely, give us your dagger Wat.

That's not a disaster, Roland.

(Sighs) I don't know how to dance.

And one and two and three and four.

(In singsong rhythm) And your hand should be light, like a birdie on a branch.

And one, two and three and four.

And Wat doesn't lead, he follows like a girl.

(Chuckles)

Ooff!

Aaand...

One, and two, and...

twirlie, twirlie, twirlie.

And one, and two, and you're still gettin' it wrong.

And one, and two, and three, and four.

You can hit me all day 'cause you punch like a what?

A girl.

- That's enough o' that! - Hey get back! Roland...

- I'm doin' this for you! He starts it everytime... - Roland quiet! You know he doesn't like that!

(whistles)

Oh, and you can do better can you?

Of course I can.

Good! Why don't you show us then.

No.

No!

Look If I'm going through all this effort, you better learn to dance now ask her nicely

I'm sorry, Kate.

I was wondering if... you would care to... show us how to dance.

Please.

(All) Please.

(Kate) Aaand one and two,

three and four.

Five, six, seven,

change partners!

And a one, two (Chuckling), three, four...

five, six, seven... Polonaise!

And one...

You're not going to wear your hair like that, are you?

Is there another way?

(Kate chuckling)

Sir Ulrich...

you look fantastic.

Jocelyn, you look...

Uh, you...

You remind me of the Bible.

When God stopped the sun in the sky at Gibeon to

give Joshua more time to defeat the Amorites.

I don't understand.

(Chuckles)

If I could ask God one thing...

it would be to stop the moon.

Stop the moon and make this night...

and your beauty...

last forever.

So what dance will you have?

A coranto?

Or a basse dance?

(Adhemar) Sir Ulrich!

Why don't you show us all the dance of your country?

Show us a dance of Gelderland.

- Oh... - Yes. Gelderland.

Uhh...

uh well, i-it's a lot like uh... farandole...

but with some differences... um

Well, you should bow.

And...

...mmmm...

and...mmmm...

(people murmuring, women giggling)

and...

La ta ta ta...

(Clap!)

(Strings and flute begin to play)

(Master of Ceremonies) Places, Places!

♪ ...Angel ♪

♪ (David Bowie's "Golden Years" fades in) ♪

♪ Golden years ♪

♪ Golden years ♪

♪ Whoa-oh-whoa Wha wha wha ♪

♪ Golden years ♪

♪ Whoa-oh-whoa Wha wha wha ♪

♪ Don't let me hear you say Life's taking you nowhere ♪

♪ Angel ♪

♪ Look at that sky, Life's begun ♪

♪ Nights are warm And the days are young ♪

♪ There's my baby Lost, that's all ♪

♪ Once I'm begging you Save her little soul ♪

- ♪ Golden years - Wha wha wha ♪

♪ Last night they loved you ♪

♪ Opening doors And pulling some strings ♪

♪ Angel ♪

♪ In walked luck And you looked in time ♪

♪ Never look back Walk tall, act fine ♪

♪ Come get up, My baby ♪

♪ I'll stick with you, baby For a thousand years ♪

♪ Nothing's gonna touch you In these golden years ♪

♪ Golden years ♪

♪ Whoa-oh-whoa Wha wha wha ♪

♪ Golden years, Golden Years ♪

(Metal hitting)

What?

Uhh... I don't know. It's-it's too small,

it's too light.

He'll be crushed, killed.

No. (Sighs)

I found a new way to heat the steel.

It's thinner, smaller...

but just as strong.

Wha' are these?

The marks of me trade, should another knight admire the armor.

(Men chuckling)

Twist, bend, feel the movement.

Alright...

But eventually I will be struck.

And then death.

Do you at least have the courage to test it?

(Rumbling, squeaking, clanking)

Are you alright Wil?

I didn't feel a thing! (Chuckles)

(Jeering and laughing)

Hmph!

What's the name of that knight?

Piers Courtenay.

He's... uh... raised taxes on his land 3 times this year to pay for tournament.

His people starve while he sits at banquet.

It's probably true.

(Crowd cheering)

- Hyaah!! - Hooaaah!!

(Horse neighing)

- Yeah! - Ohh! (Crowd roaring)

(Horse snorting)

(Piers groaning)

Haahh!!

(Crowd chanting) Ulrich! Ulrich! Ulrich! Ulrich!

Hyahh!

Ulrich von Lichtenstein.

My lord the Count Adhemar...

son of Philippe de Vitry...

son of Gill... es...

master of the free companies...

defender of his...

enormous manhood...

a shining example of chivalry...

and champagne!

(Crowd cheering)

(Wat) Nice work!

Bravo!

My lords...

Watch every move Adhemar makes. If theres a weakness, we'll find it.

And Colville looks fit. This should be good.

(Herald) My liege...

The second son of Sir Wallace Percival.

It is my deepest honor...

My deepest honor to present to you...

It's Edward, my lord!

They're sure of it.

(Herald) ...The third Earl of Warwick, I give you...

- (Adhemar sighs) - ...the noble, the illustrious...

Sir Thomas Colville!

(Crowd cheering)

(Crowd aww-ing in disappointment)

Adhemar withdrew.

To withdraw like could mean only one thing.

Royalty.

I'll see what I can find out.

(King of Arms) Prepare to drop ze flag!

(Geoff) No, no, no, no, no. Not yet, not yet...Wait...

- (Geoff) Listen, listen to me... - (King of Arms) Musicians, announce!

Wait, wait I must speak with my lord.

Then go.

And see if you can beat ze Second Coming eh?!

(Geoff) Wait! Wait!

(panting)

Colville is Edward,

the Black Prince of Wales,

and future King of England.

Oh, he's in disguise like me so he can compete.

He has never met an enemy without victory,

he has never attacked a town he could not defeat.

We're English Geoff! We know who he is!

You must withdraw Will. Go tell them Geoff, they were about to drop the flag!

Absolutely!

(Wat) Here, give me the lance.

Give me the lance! Give me the la...

Hyahh!

(Crowd roaring)

Lance!

Oh, my giddy aunt.

The match, is a draw!

Are you mad? You knowingly endanger a member of the royal family

He knowingly endangers himself.

Well fought, Sir Ulrich,

as it was in Rouen.

And you also, Prince Edward.

You knew me?

Yeah.

And still you rode?

It's not in me to withdraw.

Ehh...Nor me.

Though it happens.

Yes, it does.

Good luck with the tournament.

And you also.

The winner of the mounted joust...

and tournament champion...

Ulrich von Lichtenstein!

(Crowd cheering)

Here. Melt it down, sell it, do whatever you do.

Yes, Your Majesty.

William, you're tournament champion!

I'm not champion until I defeat Adhemar. Adhemar withdrew!

Sir Ulrich!

Oh...

I've come to see what you'll wear to banquet tonight.

...Nothing.

Oh then we'll cause a sensation, for I'll dress to match.

Oh don't you ever get tired of putting on clothes?!

Um... I believe she's talking about taking them off.

A flower is only as good as its petals, don't you think?

A flower is good for nothing.

Really?

(Scoffs) You can't eat a flower. A... f-flower doesn't keep you warm...

And a rose never knocked a man off a horse either, did it?

You're just a silly girl, aren't you?

Better a silly girl with a flower than a silly boy with a horse and a stick.

Goodbye then.

(Thump!)

It's called a lance!

Hellooo?

- (Horses galloping) - (Crowd roaring)

(Horse neighing)

- Yeahh!! - (Crowd cheering)

(Wat) Pffft!!

(Laughing)

(Hyeahh!)

I have word.

What?

Adhemar's been called back to the free companies.

The Black Prince commanded it. He could be gone all season.

First Jocelyn and now Adhemar.

Nooo!!!

Well done.

Yeah, well done.

What?...I...

The, uh... tournament results, my lord.

Ulrich...

Ulrich...

Ulrich...

Ulrich...

Ulrich...

Ulrich...

Uhm!!

(William) Geoff!

William!

I need to write a letter.

"Dear Jocelyn...." No... "My dearest Jocelyn."

Better.

Um...

"I miss you."

(Winces)

Oh, hold... uh, w-was that wrong?

Well... i-i-i-it-it's up to you, really, um...

er...It's your funeral, I mean, letter.

Say something about her breasts.

Yeah you miss her breasts.

Her breasts?

Yes... you... you could... um... but...

I... I would tend to look above her breasts William.

I... I miss her throat?

Perhaps still higher, really. Towards the heavens?

The moon at least, her breasts were not that impressive.

Heh!

- The moon? - The moon...

"It is strange to think...

I haven't seen you since a month.

I have seen the new moon, but not you.

I have seen sunsets and sunrises, but nothing of your beautiful face."

That's very good William.

I used to know this girl once who...

W-Well she broke my heart. But I used to say the pieces...

(Jocelyn) "The pieces of my broken heart are so small that they can be passed through the eye of a needle."

He writes as though I had died.

Yes, ma'am.

He dies as well.

She used to cook for the Duke of York.

I miss her like the sun misses the flower. (Sobbing)

"I miss you like the sun misses the flower.

Like the sun misses the flower in the depths of winter.

Instead of beauty to direct its light to...

the heart hardens like the frozen world your absence has banished me to."

(William) "I next compete in the city of Paris.

I will find it empty and in the winter if you are not there."

I like it.

And now to finish it.

With "hope."

Love should end with hope.

My husband, God rest him...

told me something I will never forget.

"Hope guides me"

"It is what gets me through the day and especially the night.

The hope that after you are gone from my sight...

it will not be the last time I look upon you." (Sobbing)

(William) And finish it with...

"With all the love that I possess...

William."

You mean "Ulrich."

(Jocelyn) "With all the love that I possess...

I remain yours...

the knight of your heart."

M-my master... hoped you might have something to send him in return.

Cock-a-doodle once! I shall not deny him.

Cock-a-doodle twice! I shall not deny him.

Cock-a-doodle thrice!!

I deny him.

Thrice he denied him,

thrice! Of the third, of which that is the very leg of this... this bird...

No Adhemar.

(Sighing) No Adhemar.

(Wat) Woohooo!!

Whoah.

Wat.

Heh!

Wat, tell me, did you see her?

Did she read the letter?

Yes, and yes.

And!?

Uhh...

...She's coming to Paris!

(Both men laughing)

Well, did she give you anything for me in return? Did she...

did she give you a letter?

Or a token?

Did she give me a token?

- Yes... - She did.

Um...

Y-Yeah...

Y-uh, I mean, um...

Well, what is it, Wat?

Come on, give it to me.

Y-Yeeess!!

Yeahh!! Ho-hoo!

Hell, yeah!

Ye... she... k... his m... ah! That means she... Yeah!

Yes!

Yes! Yes! Yes!

Cinquante?

- That's a nice round number. - (Chattering and pub music playing)

Excusez-moi.

All right.

The wager they wish to make is that a Frenchman, and not Sir Ulrich, will win the tournament.

However, the amount is 50 florins.

That's all we got.

Yes and if we had sixty, the bet would be sixty.

Even money, but Ulrich against every Frenchman here?

Oh, come on!

He's won four tournaments in a row, a-and once again Adhemar is not here

check shields too.

John Beaumont's here.

Count Theobald of Chartres, Philip of Burgundy... all three French champions.

(French squire) An Englishmen will not win...

this French tournament.

English legs are unsteady on French soil.

- (Parlez-moi! - Shush yer mou...

Why don't ya shut your mouth, all right?!

(Clucking)

Come on, Roland. It's a good bet.

Win, and I can buy my own tavern.

I could write full-time.

And a forge for me.

Yes, and because French wine is too much for English bellies.

A'right, I'm about this fonging close, mate. I swear to God, Quasimodo! I oughta...

Listen, all I want is to go home, and I already have enough to make that trip a hundred times.

And most importantly, because the Pope himself is French!

Well, the pope may be French, but Jesus is English. You're on!

- YEAH!! -

He won't lose, not with the Princess 'ere watchin' 'im.

(Will's gang) ♪ He's blond! He's pissed! ♪

♪ He'll see you in the lists! Lichtenstein! Lichtenstein! ♪

♪ He's blond! He's tan! He comes from Gelderland! ♪

♪ He comes from Gelderland! ♪

♪ Gelderland! ♪

♪ Gelderland, Gerderland! ♪

♪ Gelderland, Gerderland! Gerderlaaand... ♪

Do you think he will come?

As sure as the sun will rise.

You favor Cathedrals.

I come for confession.

And the glass.

A riot of color in a dreary, gray world.

Don't you think?

Well, it's beautiful.

I feel the same way about the letter you sent.

Speak to me.

Speak those words.

I'm going to win this tournament for you.

Excuse me?

Uh... this tournament, I'll win it in your name.

Every knight I defeat, I defeat for you.

Th... your beauty will be reflected in the power of my arm, the flanks of my horse.

(With sarcasm) Wow.

- Really? - Yes.

Really? Its flanks?

Y-Yes...

I wish to hear poetry, Ulrich.

Ohh...

Well, I'm not ready.

But I am.

And why must everything for a woman be run on a man's schedule?

Well...uh, a man's day is fuller, and...

well you see a man, he has more demands on his time.

Is that so?

Yes...

Maybe...

No?

I demand poetry,

and when I want it. And I want it now.

(William) Your breasts...

they're below your throat...

where... Damn!

Jocelyn, how may I prove my love to you?

How?

Do you ask in earnest?

Yes.

If you would prove your love...

Right...

You should do your worst.

My worst...

...W-What do you mean?

Instead of winning, to honor me with your high reputation...

I want you to act against your normal character and do badly.

- Do badly? - Lose!

L-Losing proves nothing, except that I'm a loser!

Wrong! Losing is a much keener test of your love.

Losing would contradict your self-love.

And losing would show your obedience to your lover and not to yourself!

- Really?! - Shh! Woman, shh!

Do not "shh" me and spare him! Now be gone! Go!

What is your answer?

I will not lose.

Then you do not love me.

Hahh!

(Geoff) The Protector of Italian Virginity...

...The Lance that thrilled France...

...the Harasser of Paraser!

He gave them hell at La Rochelle!

The Enforcer of our Lord God!

The one, the only...

Sir Uuuuulrich...

VON LICHTENSTEIN!!!

(Crowd cheering)

God, I'm good!

Oh, his horse's flanks!

Maybe where he comes from, it means love.

- (Horse neighing) - (Flag flaps)

(Crowd roaring)

- Haahhh! - What are you doing?!

Losing.

I don't understand?!

Well, neither do I.

(Crowd roaring)

Oohh...

(William groaning)

He loves me!

Uh...are you blind?

Did you see the flag?

Yes, I saw it, okay?

I know! I know!

Y-you wanna... uh... drop behind for a more dramatic victory! yeahahah...!

Look, Jocelyn told me I should lose to prove my love.

Oh, God. I'd rather you were blind.

Don't be foolish, Will. Each woman wants proof, that's all.

Proof of what?

That their legs haven't been uncrossed for nothing.

But Roland, I haven't uncrossed her legs.

Well, then, why in the name of St. Swithin are we doing this?!

Because!

(William groaning)

Because...

I love her.

♪ (Rare Earth's "Get Ready" playing) ♪

Oh, no.

♪ Never met a girl Who could make me feel.. ♪

♪ Whenever I'm asked What makes my dreams real ♪

♪ I tell 'em you do ♪

♪ You're outta site ♪

♪ Well, tweedle dee Tweedle dum ♪

♪ Look out, baby 'Cause here I come ♪

♪ I'm bringin' you a love That's true ♪

♪ Get ready, get ready ♪

I'm gonna lose everything!

That's why it's called gambling.

- Eayeeahh!!... - Uhh!!...

Pain! Pain! Here's your pain! (Punching)

It's very romantic, though.

Are you a woman or a blacksmith?

Sometimes I'm both.

(Geoff) Ooh, that chafes!

Put 'im down.

(William grunting)

No one knight has distanced himself with victories yet.

If you win your remaining matches and...

some of your opponents take key losses who knows...

you could make the semis, even the finals.

Well at least the armor's proven itself.

And your love?

Have you proven that yeeettt? (Machine squeaks)

(William grunting)

Wat, you remember church as a boy. The fear, the passion.

That's what she makes me feel.

And for that, I say my rosary to Jocelyn and, no one else.

♪ Start makin' love to you ♪>

William, that's blasphemous.

(Machine squeaks)

♪ Get ready, get ready Get ready ♪

(william groaning)

(Joints snap)

Uuhhh...

Oh, then may I burn in hell.

Withdraw.

Lose that way. Just don't take anymore punishment.

Oh, Roland...

...Ahh!

My lady sends this message. She says that If you love her...

look I know, I know. I must lose. Is she not watching, huh?

She says that if you love her, you will not lose another match.

She says, that if you love her, you will win this tournament.

There she is, the embodiment of love. Your Venus!

And how I hate her.

♪ (Sly & The Family Stone's "I Want To Take You Higher" playing) ♪

♪ Feeling's gettin' stronger ♪

Yeaaahhh!! (Laughing)

I don't understand women.

Nor do I, but they understand us.

Maybe not you.

Yes!

Women, eh?

Forty-eight...

forty-nine...

and fifty!

Thank you very much gentlemen. It's been excellent doing business with you.

Do look us up if e'er you're in London, the World Championships, maybe?

Oh come on, don't look too sad.

Here, have a drink on me.

♪ He's quick, he's funny, he makes me lots of money, Lichtenstein... Lichtenstein... ♪

Guinevere comes to Lancelot.

Bed him well, my lady.

Bed him well.

We missed you at banquet Sir Ulrich.

"We"?

I...

Jocelyn...

Your prize.

My prize...

I am not worthy of a prize.

Then who is?

My maid tells me that sometimes your varlets...

that they call you William.

Is this so, Sir Ulrich?

Yes...

Yes it is so.

Oh your name makes no matter to me,

just so long as I can call you my own.

Oh but Jocelyn, I am your own.

A-ahh!

Damn, girl!

You need a surgeon!

Uh, he's, he's been. He says I will live, though it doesn't feel that way.

Oh, William. This pain is my doing.

Yes, it is.

Although...

my father...

he taught me to take the bad...

with the good.

Well, this good you speak of...

Yes?

It will be my doing as well.

How long since any of you have been back?

I've only been gone 6 months.

Two years for me.

Three years for my eyes.

Five.

Five long years.

(Distant bells tolling)

(Geoff) William?

Twelve.

Twelve years.

He's to be an apprentice, eh?

How long for?

Seven years.

(Hocks and spits)

Sir Ector?

I'm the thatcher.

I spoke to you outside London Stadium.

Oh, yes. I remember.

Is this the boy?

Well step forward, son. Let me have a look at you.

Careful with that, Roland!

Are you afraid of me, boy?

Have you got most of your teeth?

Show me your arm. You got a strong arm?

Well, he's a half-starved little scarecrow.

But he's got spirit.

I can show you a great wide world full of adventure...

and marvels you do not yet dream of.

Can you pack my horse and lead it?

Heh?

Well, come on. Say goodbye to your father. Let's get started.

He's a real knight, William. Watch and learn all you can.

It's all I can do for you, son.

Now go change your stars and live a better life than I have.

Roland,

show the boy his duties.

Father? I'm afraid!

Of what?!

I won't know the way back home!

Don't be foolish, William!

You just follow your feet!

London.

♪ (Thin Lizzy's "The Boys Are Back in Town" playing) ♪

♪ Guess who just Got back today ♪

♪ Them wild-eyed boys That had been away ♪

♪ Haven't changed Haven't much to say ♪

♪ But, man, I still think Them cats are great ♪

♪ They were asking If you were around ♪

♪ How you was Where you could be found ♪

♪ Told them you were Living downtown ♪

♪ Driving all The old men crazy ♪

♪ The boys are back in town The boys are back in town ♪

Give us a shout out, London!!!

- (Crowd cheers) - ♪ The boys are back in towwwwn ♪

♪ The boys are back in town ♪

♪ The boys are back in town ♪

♪ The boys are back in town The boys are back in town ♪

♪ The boys are back in town ♪

(Crowd) Ulrich! Ulrich! Ulrich! Ulrich! Ulrich! Ulrich!

♪ Spread the word around ♪

♪ Guess who's back in town? ♪

♪ Friday night They'll be dressed to kill ♪

♪ Down at Dino's Bar and Grill ♪

♪ The drink will flow And blood will spill ♪

♪ If the boys wanna fight You'd better let 'em ♪

♪ The boys are back in town ♪

♪ The boys are back in town ♪

♪ The boys are back in towwwn ♪

♪ The boys are back in town ♪

♪ The boys are back in town ♪

♪ The boys are back in town... ♪

I have news.

Adhemar's here. He's entered.

He'd grown bored with whatever war they're fightin'.

No, no the Black Prince commanded it.

He was forced to disband his army.

They were revelling in the night, pillaging town after town.

Robbing, and murdering, and ransacking churches...

(Adhemar) Committing the oldest sins...

in the newest ways.

At last we'll have the chance to face each other again, Sir Ulrich.

And at the World Championship.

As I promised you before Adhemar...

you will look up at me from the flat of your back.

Let the past die.

You've done well in my absence, on the field and off, so I'm told.

Winning trophies, horses, women.

You put them in that order?

Generally, with a few exceptions.

Beautiful, isn't she?

A real thoroughbred trophy, don't you think?

You speak of Jocelyn like she's the target.

Isn't she?

No.

She is the arrow.

I've entered into negotiations with her father.

I'm to make her my bride.

Oh she'll be saddled...

and placed on my mantle.

Target or arrow, it makes no difference.

I will have her.

(Crowd chanting) Ulrich! Ulrich! Ulrich...!

(Crowd roaring)

- Go!! - Haahh!!

Hoooaahh!!

(Horse neighing)

How would you beat him?

With a stick, while he slept.

But on a horse? With a lance? heh!

That man is unbeatable.

(Thunder rumbling)

Hello there!

You... you're Sir Ulrich von Lichtenstein!

Yes.

You're my favorite knight. When we joust, I always say I'm you.

What are you doing here in Cheapside? There's no parade today.

Can you keep a secret?

I was born in Cheapside,

just around the corner there.

Truly, Sir Ulrich?

Truly.

I only live just there.

Uh how old are you?

Nine and one half.

Nine and one half.

I wonder if you remember a man,

though he may have died before you were born...

He was as tall as a knight.

His name was John Thatcher.

Of course I remember him.

You do?

Well yeah, he lives there still.

Sometimes we see him sitting at the window, but no one knows why.

What do you mean?

(Taps)

Is someone there?

If you're here for the net, I haven't finished yet.

Come back tomorrow.

Who are you?

A knight.

My name... is Ulrich.

Ulrich? I hear that name being chanted from the stadium.

What business have you here?

I have word, Master Thatcher.

Word of your son.

Of my William?!

Well, come in, sir!

What word?

Does he live?

Aye. He lives.

He is very well.

He wanted you to know...

that he changed his stars after all.

(Sobbing) And has he followed his feet?

Has he found his way home at last?

Yes.

Father! (Sobbing)

Oh, William! Oh, my boy!

(Laughing)

I do like to meet this Wat. And Roland as well.

You will, Father. You will.

And what of women?

Is there a certain one or many?

There is a certain one.

I should like to meet her as well.

Oh, but this leak won't do, father,

not in the chamber of a Thatcher.

For a blind Thatcher it's quite fitting. (Chuckling)

And a Thatcher I am.

I'll fix it for you.

(Cathedral bell tolling)

(William) Alive. Can you imagine?

And I thought he was dead, which is mad because he was always so strong,

very strong. I remember...

Geoff, Jocelyn!

This day just gets better and better.

Somebody die?

Sir Ulrich von Lichtenstein.

What?

Adhemar...

followed you last night.

To Cheapside.

He says he saw your father.

Will, they asked me for your patents.

They're waiting for you in the lists,

they're going to arrest you.

A dozen royal guards.

They'll put you in the stocks.

Ah, but I face Adhemar in five minutes time.

No, you forfeit.

They've already marked it down.

(Roland) Saddle the horses,

they can arrest your baggage, not you.

Halt.

So, what do you think...

now that you know what I am?

Ah, to know what you are, William,

would take a lifetime.

One I am most willing to give. But right now you've got to run.

There is nothing else to do. Run, and I will run with you.

Jocelyn, I cannot run.

I'm a knight, and I'll put myself to the hazard!

A knight in your heart, but not on paper, and paper's all that matters to them!

William, I love you.

I love you. You.

And I'm sorry, but I won't see you led away bound for the stocks

Oh, but you'll see me run? No!

Damn your pride, William.

It is you and only you that will not see you run,

My pride is the only thing they can't take from me!

But they can take it from you. They can and they will.

Oh, they will.

But love they cannot take.

And...

And where will we live?

In... in my hovel?

With the pigs inside in winter, so that they won't freeze?

With the pigs.

The poor can marry for love.

Oh Jocelyn, you speak of what you do not know!

William, I beg you.

Please.

Run. Do it for love.

Roland, you would see me run?

And you, Geoff?

Yes, I wish it too, with all the pieces of my heart.

Wat, you and I, we aren't runners.

Yes...

William, today we are.

Run, William.

No!!

I will not run!!

I am a knight.

Well, boys...

all good things must come to an end.

Let's end them together.

(Crowd cheering)

You will remove yourself from this position of honor.

I am here to compete.

You are here to be arrested.

Alright!

He that strives to touch a star...

oft stumbles...

at a simple straw.

(Scoffs)

You have been weighed.

You have been measured.

And you have been found wanting.

It's one loss or another...

William.

In what world could you have ever beaten me?

Uh!

(Mob jeering, yelling)

Leave, Roland.

Let them have me.

God love you, William.

So do I.

Go! Disperse!!

Or I will fong you!

As Jesus Christ the Nazarene...

and His Most Holy Mother, the Virgin Mary are my witnesses!

I will fong you!

I will rip you! Fist! Pain!

I'll stick my fist and break you! Pain! Lots of pain!

We're in trouble.

Listen to me!

Uhh!

Listen to me!

(Mob silenced)

What a pair we make, huh?

Both trying to hide who we are.

Both unable to do so.

Your men love you.

If I knew nothing else about you, that would be enough.

But you also tilt,

when you should withdraw.

And that is knightly too.

Release him!

(Crowd murmuring)

He may appear to be of humble origins...

but my personal historians have discovered...

that he is descendant from an ancient royal line.

This is my word.

And as such, is beyond contestation.

(Crowd awing)

Now...

if I may repay the kindness you once showed me.

Take a knee.

By the power vested in me by my father, King Edward...

and by all the witnesses here...

I dub thee...

Sir William.

(Mob cheering)

(Crowd silenced)

Arise...

Sir William.

Can you joust?

What?

There's my tournament to finish?

Now, are you fit to compete, or

shall the forfeit stand?

Oh, I'm fit.

I shall have your opponent informed of it.

You look for his shield on the lists,

at once.

Thank you, my lord.

(Crowd cheering)

(Trumpets blowing)

(Herald) All hail Prince Edward!

My lords, my ladies...

and all you other people.

I give you the son of Philippe de Vitry, son of Gilles de Champagne...

- Are you sure? - Yes.

It's nothing but spun sugar and boot black.

It's a small target Wil...

but aim for his heart.

(Germaine) ...doer of daring deeds...

conqueror of countless kingdoms, Count...

Aaaaaaaa...

ADHEMAR!!

(Crowd cheering)

(Crowd chanting) Adhemar! Adhemar! Adhemar...!

(William panting and groaning)

Oh, God. I'll fetch the surgeon Will.

Roland!

You're the surgeon now.

Come on.

Uhhh!!

He's tipped it.

Kate, get me back to one.

Back to one or we forfeit.

Dirty son of a bitch!

Kate, I can't breathe. I can't breathe.

As I said, thatcher.

In what world could you have ever beaten me?

Such a place does not exist.

She's here William!

And so is your father.

Change your stars.

Let's dance, you and I.

(Roland) It's two lances to none.

You must unhorse him or kill him. It's the only way to win.

- You need more padding. - No, leave it off.

I can't breathe with it on.

Lance.

Ahhh, No!

God! I can barely grip it!

Oh damn.

Lash it to my arm.

Wat...

Lash it to me arm.

Do as he says.

Good people!

I missed my introduction!

(Crowd cheering)

But please...

please, I pray you.

Hear it now.

For I would lay rest...

the grace in my tongue...

and speak plain.

Days like these...

are far too rare to cheapen with heavy-handed words.

And so, I'm afraid, without any ado whatsoever...

Excuse me, my lord.

Here he is!

One of your own!

Born a stone's throw from this very stadium...

and here before you now!

The son of John Thatcher...

Sir wiiilllLLIAM

THATCHER!!!

(Crowd roaring)

That's your name Wil.

Sir William Thatcher.

Your father heard that.

(Crowd chanting) William! William! William...!

Godspeed, William.

HYAAHHH!!

WILLIAAAAAAAAAM!!!

You have been weighed.

You have been measured.

And you absolutely...

Have been found wanting.

Welcome to the new world.

God save you, if it is right that he should do so.

(Clicks)

(William) WILLIAAAAAAAAAM!!!

Yeesss!!! Ye...

He's won! He's won!

(Will's gang cheering, yelling)

(Crowd chanting "Wiliia!!")

You beat him, Will!

Oh, William.

(Crowd roared)

I think I'll have to write some of this story down.

Like that part about the prince? And the knights?

No no no, all of it.

All human activity lies within the artist's scope.

Maybe not yours.

(Wat laughing)

♪ (AC/DC'S "You Shook Me All Night Long" playing) ♪

♪ She was a fast machine ♪

♪ She kept her motor clean ♪

♪ She was the best damn woman That I ever seen ♪

♪ She had the sightless eyes ♪

♪ Telling me no lies ♪

♪ Knockin' me out with those American thighs ♪

♪ Taking more than her share ♪

♪ Had me fighting for air ♪

♪ She told me to come But I was already there ♪

♪ 'Cause the walls Start shakin' ♪

♪ The earth was quakin' ♪

♪ My mind was achin' ♪

♪ And we were making it ♪

♪ And you ♪

♪ Shook me all night long ♪

♪ All night long ♪

♪ (Robbie Williams & Queen's "We Are the Champions" playing) ♪

♪ I've paid my dues ♪

♪ Time after time ♪

♪ I've done my sentence ♪

♪ But committed no crime ♪

♪ And bad mistakes ♪

♪ I've made a few ♪

♪ I've had my share of sand Kicked in my face ♪

♪ But I've come through ♪

♪ And I need to go on And on and on and on ♪

♪ We are the champions My friend ♪

♪ And we'll keep on fighting Till the end ♪

♪ We are the champions ♪

♪ We are the champions ♪

♪ No time for losers ♪

♪ 'Cause we are the champions ♪

♪ Of the world ♪

♪ I've taken my bows ♪

♪ And my curtain calls ♪

♪ You brought me Fame and fortune ♪

♪ And everything that goes With it ♪

♪ I thank you all ♪

♪ But it's been No bed of roses ♪

♪ No pleasure cruise ♪

♪ I consider it a challenge Before the whole human race ♪

♪ That I ain't gonna lose ♪

♪ And I need to go on And on and on and on ♪

♪ We are the champions ♪

♪ My friend ♪

♪ And we'll keep on fighting Till the end ♪

♪ We are the champions ♪

♪ We are the champions ♪

♪ No time for losers ♪

♪ 'Cause we are the champions ♪

♪ We are the champions ♪

♪ We are the champions ♪

♪ No time for losers ♪

♪ 'Cause we are the champions ♪

- Ale! - Yeah!

Hey, hey!

(Loud fart)

(Louder fart)

(Ripper fart)

Ohhh!

(Very weak fart)

Your Round!