Original subtitles

Previously on Velma...

Hey, buddy. Remember this?

I was serious when I said I wanted to catch up.

You owe me. And lives are at stake.

It takes rigorous screening before I let anyone in here.

I haven't even reached out to those poor girls Victoria Jones put in jars,

even though I'm sure they're dying.

What? The Brains are dying.

It's just that after that failed seance,

I don't feel like I'm a witch or a popular girl.

I don't know who I am.

Hold on. What if you went to the Brains in my body?

We all struggle with self-doubt.

Velma, can you find the dong removing serial killer already?

We're all scared but Sophie's fear might embarrass me to death.

Forgive me for protecting the things I love.

Now go, go, go!

But my inability to solve this case was starting to make my dream

of growing up to solve mysteries in the big city feel like a joke.

Worse, nothing makes your dreams feel farther away

than a small town high school career day.

And sure, my parents support me following my dreams,

but they haven't exactly led by example.

Ah, high school. Where I let one detention mishap

end my dream of being a good person.

Surrounded by good friends.

What I needed was one person who had actually achieved their dreams

to show me what it takes.

Vote for sheriff today. It's our dream to win.

Their dream?

The seminal reality show The Amazing Race.

But becoming Sheriff will keep us off anti-depressants!

Velma, I need to drive your father home.

Watch the booth and find something to clean up this grease.

Time to accept that for people like me,

maybe dreams don't come true.

Velma.

My grandma's alive.

She faked her death to follow her dream of completing her work,

and now her brain is in Daphne

so we can save Brenda, Christa, and Lola.

- The honor is all yours. - What?

So you're Dr. Edna Perdue, but in Daphne's body?

But you sound just like Daphne.

Because I have her vocal chords.

But to me... I sound like myself.

As a neurologist, believe me when I say this, the brain is weird.

Which is why Daphne put her brain in a jar.

To figure out who she is.

I mean, good for her for going on a journey of self-discovery.

- But is it safe? - Is it safe?

The only thing unsafe is all the fun I'm having in her body.

I can't believe I'm in the presence of a pioneering female scientist.

How did you achieve your dream?

Which deodorant ad made you believe

that you could do anything?

Hey, sorry to interrupt, but we have to save the Brains.

Lola just posted this.

Save them from what?

Getting screen grabbed and dropped in some creep's spank bank?

'Cause Lola's looking good.

No. The Brains sink in their jars as they use up the nutrients.

Though silver lining,

if they die, I'll be able to dissect them!

Stop! The Brains are friends, not science experiments.

I know you're not this heartless, and I'm going to prove it.

Norville, you texted that I have to meet

the most Important person in my life.

Which is... Daphne?

Yes. Daphne, is there something you'd like to say to your daughter...

I mean our principal?

Blythe? I mean, I don't have time for this.

It's Principal Rogers and I don't have time for this either.

I have to get back to the career fair.

The students are almost desperate enough to consider teaching!

Damn. That was your daughter you haven't seen in 30 years.

- You really are that heartless. - I'm not heartless.

It's just that feelings create distractions.

And you must eliminate those

in order to be great and achieve your dreams.

Just like how this discussion has distracted us

from saving the Brains.

You're right. Norville, get The Brains

and meet us in Mr. S's classroom or they're as good as dead!

Not that us go-getters care, right, Dr. P?

Your pandering is wasting time.

Yes, of course.

Why aren't you putting me in the spa room?

I am Dr. Perdue's personal guest,

not some rube with a Mother's Day gift certificate.

Our computers measure your brain waves

to predict the best environment in which to center yourself,

and they placed you on top of this cage in the nature room.

Wait! So the computer must think I'm a popular girl and not a witch!

No one loves posing with cute, endangered animals

more than popular girls!

Oh, God!

Hello? Father O'Rourke?

I wanna return this stuff from when Catholicism was my thing.

Father O, you in here?

Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.

Will you hear my confession?

I'm not...

Actually, what else do I have going on?

Sure. What's up?

Yes, just as I expected.

Mr. S was trying to recreate my research

and has almost everything I need

to mix The Brains' solution! Oh, and snacks!

Don't be gentle. This body is only a rental!

But how would he know what went in the brain solution

without your journals?

He was hot, so there's an upper limit on his intelligence.

Project SCOOBI still had some of my research

when they shuttered their labs on Fort Crystal.

Mr. S must have somehow found it there.

My dad's friend Don is in the Army!

I could ask him if he knows anything about Project SCOOBI

and if it has something to do with the murders!

He'd never tell you something so sensitive, Velma.

This is the military.

What do you mean we're going to die?

I told you to tell them nothing, Norville!

Stir this.

You were supposed to just knock them out!

You can't do that! This isn't the CIA in the '50s!

People deserve to know what's happening to them!

Daphne! The new polls are out, your moms are sure to win...

Hold up, your whole aura's off.

I don't feel you judging me at all.

Something is very wrong here, I'm calling your moms...

- Tell me that's not easier. - What the hell is happening?

Relax, you're not going to die.

This vial contained crystalized glutamine.

It can keep brains alive in jars indefinitely.

As soon as the new solution is mixed and put in your jars, you'll be fine.

Is this supposed to happen?

So your sin is anger?

Is that even a sin?

Feels weird for a religion

where everyone's always so pissed off.

Right? But it's a problem! My mean coworkers never told me

when there were bagels in the kitchen so I'd get there last.

And now I freak out every time I smell pumpernickel.

Oh, totally! I can't smell pennies

without thinking of how Mother paid the servants and then I get furious

wondering if maybe she was a bad person.

You are too funny.

So, this is crazy, but can I get your number?

Sure. It's 555-0111, like in a TV show

so I remember it easily.

But, just real quick, how old are you?

Hello? You there?

Velma! What have you done?

- I don't know. - Can't you make more?

Or, like, just add some water like an empty shampoo bottle?

No, that was the last of my glutamine.

And it takes weeks to synthesize.

Unless... Velma, I developed crystallized glutamine

in the Project SCOOBI labs on Fort Crystal...

And if some of your research is still there,

maybe there's glutamine on the base as well!

Yes. And I can draw you a map of exactly where to look.

Okay. But if I'm caught stealing from Fort Crystal,

I could be sent to prison.

Great detectives don't get caught, Velma.

Now, do you have what it takes to achieve your dream or not?

Fred, watch out!

Velma! I need your advice.

Advice? It better be more urgent than my internal bleeding.

It is! I met a woman, but the circumstances are unique.

Daphne's a few months older than you, right?

How do you navigate the pitfalls of dating an older woman?

Fred, I don't have time for this.

Mother?

Pennies.

Hey, Dad.

So the career fair got me thinking my dreams will never come true

and maybe it's time to consider joining the Army.

Really? You know you'll have to wake up early, right?

I do. So I'm kind of on the fence about it.

But maybe if Don could get me a tour of the base,

I could see what the Army is all about.

A tour? I don't know. Don's been ghosting me.

If I send him another text, it's really gonna tip

the friendship power balance in his direction.

But if I enlist, you won't have to pay for college.

I'm texting him as we speak.

We're in.

I can't die. I'm supposed to be the face of a brain teaser app.

And you will be. I have complete faith in Velma.

Wait. Do you really?

Oh, God, no. These turkeys are cooked.

I just can't deal with the whining. And when brains in jars are dying,

whining is the final stage before drama.

What? I told you about that brain teaser job

because I'd already booked it, you backstabbing bitch!

Melodrama.

You guys are tearing this friend group apart!

And ruining our shared birthday!

And as death becomes eminent,

the final stage. Being boring.

Okay, now that that's settled,

who wants to hear about my dream from last night?

Pro move, leave and focus on yourself.

If what you do in life is impressive enough,

everyone will love and respect you forever.

Forever? All I care about is making my friends happy

with what little time they have left.

Hey, so while Velma will totally pull this off,

are there any, like, bucket list items

you maybe wanna bang out just in case.

Well, we have always wanted to start a band.

I mean, we already have the infighting down pat.

Great. Let's go.

Dr. Purdue, are you coming?

As if. You guys still have a chance.

She's already dead.

What happened? Who are you?

Now don't do anything that would embarrass me.

Don's not only an old friend, he hires me to do legal work for the military.

Remember when we created that fungus

that turned a bunch of people into zombies?

- No. - Exactly.

- Get out of the car. - Oh, God. I somehow blew this too.

Not you. Blondie.

Hey, guys.

I was waiting for Velma to give me relationship advice,

but the smell of Mr. Dinkley's pennies got me so upset thinking about Mother,

I shut down and just went to sleep.

Well, it's your lucky day, son!

Normally, I'd tie you up and throw you

in one of our secret prisons that "do not exist",

but I wanna make a good impression on our VIP here.

VIP? Do you mean Very Important Person

or my fanfic Velma in Paris?

Important Person. The Army has an image problem.

And enlisting a smart young woman like you

will make high schoolers think "Hell, maybe I should enlist too!"

What? That sucks.

I mean, I need some more intel before I commit.

Maybe a tour. Learn a fun marching rhyme about cheating wives.

Wonderful. And Fred can stay too.

The Army can always use handsome ones like him

to take the fall at public hearings.

I want to see the 'copters.

They want to perform at Career Day?

The whole point is to make kids give up their dreams.

- But fine. - Thank you.

Wait. We might have a problem.

Dang it. Why does everything on my bucket list require hands?

Actually, by placing additional electrode pads on your lobes

and running them straight into the instruments,

you can play using simple neural pulses.

That is eerie. You just sounded exactly like my mom.

And that's a good thing, right?

Because she was a brilliant black female scientist

who consistently defied the barriers of her time

and you admired her deeply for it.

Yes.

How interesting.

- And no. - Excuse me?

So, Velma, where to first?

Ever touch a LGM-30G Minuteman III

intercontinental ballistic missile? It's fun.

Oh, just show me where they experiment on aliens

and I don't know, maybe weapons facility "DELTA".

Got to love a sense of humor.

I'm told. Historically, the military hates them.

Hey, what's that?

It's the one thing that can save The Brains

and help me impress an old lady I just met.

- So shush. - I will if you help me.

You're not the only one trying to impress an old lady they just met.

Wait. This woman is old?

- How old? - Unclear.

But given her voice, I'd be lying

if I said she didn't own multiple pill organizers.

Fred!

So does this mean the computer thinks I'm a witch?

Do witches like roaches? Does anyone like roaches?

Oh, my God. Does anyone like me?

Hey! Stop bullying that little guy.

Let him eat. Leave him alone!

Oh, you just picked a fight with the wrong brain.

If I survive this, it'll be a really useful icebreaker.

Gotcha, suckers.

You can survive the apocalypse, but not Daphne Blake!

Maybe I'm not popular or a witch. Maybe I'm a hero.

Wait. What's going on here? Stop! I should be your queen!

Unless this is a Bastille Day sitch! Oh, God.

This is weirdly fun.

Yeah, it is. If you enlist today,

I'll let you hit it with a hammer.

How about that? No bigger rush in the world.

Knock, knock. Who's there?

Armageddon. Armageddon who?

Armageddon excited hitting this missile with a hammer.

Let me just turn the alarm off.

I must have left my key card in the office.

Let's run and get it in under 15 seconds.

Jackpot. I am a great detective.

Fred, what are you doing in here?

It's her. What do I say?

I know it's weird and sudden,

but this is the first time I've felt something

in the thin, pointy hole left by mother.

Okay. But she called before texting.

So she either lives in a nursing home

or is scamming you because you're rich.

- Velma, where are you? - Run!

Hey, you need to drop the attitude Daphne.

I only let the star athletes at this school insult me like that.

Daphne's not trying to be rude, Mom.

Right, Daphne, who only goes by the name Daphne?

Sorry. My point is, I'm sure my moms are very busy

with their meaningless jobs

But I still love and respect them

because I know that their goals take precedence

over my emotional well-being.

- I will always love my mother. - Yes, of course you will.

But I will never respect her.

Sure, her job was important,

but that's still no excuse for never being around.

So, no, I can't respect her. Ever.

Yeah? Well, you ain't shit.

Crap, Don hammered another missile!

Come on, Fred. Now.

Oh, no. Dogs.

They're afraid of the missile. Thank you, missile.

Room 1969. There.

What? This is just a supply closet.

The glutamine isn't here.

I'm texting Norville. Maybe we're in the wrong spot.

Fred, turn off the light!

Or if it's your bright-ass teeth, shut your mouth

It's not. My teeth are much brighter.

It's coming from the AC vent. Hoist me up!

Oh, my God!

Project SCOOBI is back up and running and they have three dead bodies.

Turn that off!!

Freeze!

Hello everyone, we have some unfortunate news.

Our daughter Daphne has been suspended.

And now for the good news.

We're still so far up in the exit polls,

it doesn't even matter.

Velma just texted. She couldn't find the glutamine.

The Brains are as good as dead.

And soon you'll join them, Norville.

Grandma! I'm hallucinating! I need your snacks.

But that's my last one.

What the hell is wrong with me?

You're hallucinating and I only care about myself.

You're right, Norville. I am selfish.

I have more glutamine. I can save the Brains.

What? Why would you lie about being out?

I just told you, I'm selfish. Please pay attention.

The point is, when I learned Velma had access to the base,

I let the solution boil over

and manipulated her desire to be a great detective

to see if Project SCOOBI had been reactivated.

What?

I said there's absolutely no way we can lose this election.

Okay. First things first.

Have you had fun today?

Be sure to tell your friends.

We need those recruitment numbers up.

And secondly, what the hell are you doing in this restricted area?

Project SCOOBI is running on the other side of this wall,

and there are three bodies.

That's impossible. Velma.

Project SCOOBI has been dead since the early '90s.

They said the same thing about rock and roll,

and look at it now! Sadly limping along!

Velma, Velma, Velma,

there's nothing there but our organ clones for important people.

What? I swear I just saw a SCOOBI lab and dead bodies.

Don, I apologize.

And while I know the punishment for sneaking around a base is prison,

consider our friendship.

Whatever you do with Velma,

please continue to hire me for your legal woes.

- Dad! - Prison? Please.

I have much better ways Velma and Fred can make this up to me...

Is it true the military accidentally launched

a Minuteman III missile

after an officer hit it with a small hammer?

I plead the fifth. The right to arm bears.

I still say Velma got it worse.

Join the military. It's a great option for teens.

You can go viral just by going home to your dog.

I was in the Army.

I loved it. Taught me everything I know

about discipline, respect, and tight-ass ponytails.

Check, one, two. Check

Norville? What are you doing?

Check, one, two. Check. Check, check, check.

Check, one, two, now check behind you.

Behind you, check. Check, one, two.

I am burying a message in this sound check. Check, one, two.

Velma!

Hold on! Back up!

You're telling me your glutamine hunt was just a ruse

to use me to see if Project SCOOBI was back up and running?

- You used me! - I'm so sorry, Velma.

Huh. Never said sorry before.

What a weird sounding word. "So-rry".

But is Project SCOOBI back up?

Yes! I mean, I think?

It was there but then it wasn't.

Like my respect for you!

To think I let you make me believe in my dreams.

Velma, I was wrong to play with your emotions,

but the only thing that can truly make you believe

in your dreams is generational wealth. Or you.

- Well, that's inspiring. - Let me finish.

But it's a double edged sword.

Because unless you have generational wealth,

it takes so much effort to achieve your dreams,

the only way to do it is to become a selfish monster.

Wait. So my choices are failure to achieve my dreams

or selfish monster?

Yes. But I'm learning that maybe family

can help you find the level of failure you can live with.

Check. Check. Check. Check over your shoulder.

My mom is coming. Check.

Now excuse me. I have to go.

I got suspended, so Blythe can't know I'm here.

Plus, I have some things I want to do in this body

before I give it back.

But what about saving the Brains?

You can mix the solution, Velma.

I believe in you as much as I believe in anyone,

which isn't much, but still.

- Velma! - No time. Leave me alone!

Okay, Velma, you can do this.

Hey, everyone.

Our first tune is called "Song Number One".

Oh, God! Velma, they can't get any more boring!

- Hurry! - I'm trying.

I just need to concentrate. As long as I can hear myself think...

Wait. This isn't boring at all.

Forgot to mention, for the last 10 seconds of their lives,

brains in jars do something unexpected. See ya.

Oh, no!

- We're alive. - We made it!

Now I can focus on my solo album!

So if Mr. S was working for Project SCOOBI,

and there are three more bodies,

maybe all the victims are connected to it in some way.

It's possible. And if anyone can figure it out, it's you.

And Norville, hallucinations that intense

are rarely caused by anxiety.

See if there are any external sources triggering them.

I will, thanks! And I hope this is the start of...

Hey, sorry, I don't mean to cut this short

but my girlfriend's brain is currently in a jar

and I have to get her to her moms' victory party.

Of course.

What do you mean Daphne's brain is missing?

Hey, I'm afraid it will take too long

to do the procedure at this moment.

Let's just get to the victory party

so Linda and Donna don't get suspicious.

Hey, this is not what I meant when I checked

"open to new experiences" on that form.

I tell you, I'm innocent! And very scared!

And a tiny bit turned on. Sorry. I have to take this.

Hey, babe, you watching me on the public access channel

like the old cable TV-having broad you are?

Yes. So put me on speaker. I want everyone to hear this.

Should I be nervous?

Yes. Because I'm the serial killer,

and I will keep killing until I get what I want.

Oh, God! Father O'Rourke!

Okay, everyone, we have exciting news.

Crystal Cove has just elected its first dog comptroller!

Unfortunately, in the wake of the revelation

that the serial killer is yet another woman,

Crystal Cove also elected Merle Cogburn as sheriff.

And yet, while we lost,

we couldn't have done any of this without you.

You guys are the real losers. Thanks for nothing.

Who are you?