Original subtitles

My beloved brother passed away.

The two women hoping to replace him as sheriff,

have outsourced the investigation of his death to kids!

Which leaves me no choice but to enter the race myself.

- Amber's doing a seance. - A seance?

I knew something was up with those new witchy neighbors.

Dr. Dane Dupree.

Holy crap. Is my grandma alive?

You, of all people, know how much I've struggled to find the real me.

It's not the unknown that freaks me out.

It's idiots like you who ignore facts and science that do.

Daphne, we need to talk.

You've said enough already. Go away.

So after a huge fight over whether or not she's a witch,

Daphne isn't talking to me.

She is, however, pointedly posting a lot on social media.

And her followers love the new her.

Sorry, papaya Wiccan Daphne is done with everything orange.

Michelle Obama liked this?

Worse, I can't clap back because I'm terrible at social media.

Sorry, Ed, rational-minded Velma is done with redheads.

Olive suggested baiting Daphne with a hot pic

using an app she has to make your butt look bigger.

But when I tried it, I just enraged the flat-butt community.

To get Daphne's attention, I need to up my game.

So let's just see how Daphne feels when she wakes up

to a picture of me in the school library

reading a book called How to Find a Better Girlfriend.

If the threat of breaking up doesn't get her to talk to me,

I don't know what will.

So you, quote, "found the coroners' bodies

on the pentagram where Amber held their dumbass seance yesterday"?

This is feeling a little biased.

Biased? This screams "witch" more than a sexually frustrated pilgrim!

Clearly, Amber's the serial killer.

Even the cameras were disabled with little pentagrams!

Everyone calm down, Fred Jones, Spooky Stuff Hunter, is here.

Yeah, I'm still doing that. And from my readings, witches only kill

when someone tries to eat their house made of cake and candy.

But look at Daphne! She's lost her witchy clothes.

Clearly you've realized you're not actually a witch

and are now distancing yourself from Amber because you know they did this.

What? No! I just needed a break from white dresses.

People kept asking if I was getting adult baptized.

Wait, you're still into witchcraft even after seeing this?

Table this, kids. We have to talk to the press.

They can't get so much as a whiff of this.

What? No way!

Call me the skunk 'cause I'm about to spray it everywhere.

Everyone has to know the danger Amber poses.

Velma, "Dong removing witch" is literally America's worst nightmare.

People will freak out. This can't leak until we know more.

I'll be brief. We found the bodies of two men in their 40s,

or so we assume from their tribal armband tattoos.

Regardless, we have no cause of death at this time.

Argh, you don't need a cause of death to know that this makes

four middle-aged men killed within the past week!

My vacation shirts have subtler patterns,

and yet you two still think you should be sheriff?

Now is not the time for grandstanding, Merle.

How dare you accuse me of grandstanding!

I am on a soapbox!

And I, Sheriff candidate Merle Cogburn,

believe a serial killer is targeting middle-aged men!

Now who will watch our World War II documentaries?

Or collect guitars?

Look, we understand your distress.

But even Velma, who's actually caught a serial killer,

feels there are no leads or reasons to panic.

Isn't that right, Velma?

I will be reading a prepared statement.

Given a lack of evidence, and the fact we're living in a police state,

it is too soon to draw any conclusions.

Well, okay, but I see Fred Jones is also up there.

Are you exploring any "spooky angles" to this case?

No! I'm here to say I've found nothing witchy

about the murders at this time.

- You're welcome. - Why would you say witchy?

Is there reason to believe the serial killer is a witch?

This press conference is over.

Daphne, where are you going? We need to talk.

Please be the serial killer and not Velma.

- Daphne? - Norville? What are you doing here?

I was saying goodbye to the trash.

I'll never see it again. Well, anyway, my car's here.

I'm heading home.

The Norville Rogers I'm picking up is going

to the Crystal Cove Insane Asylum.

- What? - Daphne, please stop ignoring me.

I'm your girlfriend.

And we just need to talk about Amber until you admit I'm right!

Go!

You think your grandmother is alive?

Dane Dupree is an anagram for Edna Perdue.

So either yes, she's alive, or I'm about to meet

a delightful southern restaurateur.

Okay, well, can I tag along?

After the seance and these new murders I am not ready to deal

with Velma's endless, "I told you so's" about embracing witchcraft.

Sure, but Velma's not wrong.

You ditching your witchy clothes is suspicious.

Do you think Amber's a serial killer?

No, it's just that after that failed seance,

I don't feel like I'm a witch or a popular girl.

- I don't know who I am. - We're girlfriends!

That's the only identity either of us needs! Come back!

Velma, thank God I found you.

I have your room now, girl, dog.

You stopped me for that?

Daphne was about to admit the error of her ways.

Okay, but I have to show you something at home.

I think it has to do with the murders.

Whoa! Look at all those rings.

Did you finally win your land war with the South African diamond miners?

No, hearing about the murders made me realize life is short.

And when you're rich and find someone you care about,

you lock them down ASAP.

So you have legal leverage if they ever want to leave you.

You're proposing to Diya? I'll kill you!

Hold on. That's weird 'cause I don't think I'm actually angry.

Is this what emotional growth feels like?

I wouldn't know,

but this is gonna be the best thing that's ever happened to us.

And Diya. She's a middle-aged single woman.

I believe they turn those into glue.

But I want the proposal to be a surprise.

So I need you to secretly find her ring size.

I will not let you down.

Unless, as Diya is about to say, I do.

- It's stuck, isn't it? - Yup.

Damn, Sophie, since when did you get into gardening?

And tell me this isn't organic.

I need all the growth hormones I can get.

Sorry, but with your parents' divorce settled, I feel I can finally nest.

And as I was working out here last night,

I heard witchy cackling coming from Daphne's backyard.

That's why Linda and Donna didn't want me talking to the press.

Not only do they know Amber's the killer, they're protecting them. Look!

Are their crotches missing? Did the killer do that?

You need to post that picture and warn the world about Amber.

Okay, but it won't do any good.

My posts get treated like sensible tax reform. Mocked and ignored.

That's because teen social media is about making people horny.

Adult social media is about making people afraid of their neighbors.

Plus, you've already caught one serial killer.

People will listen to you about this!

I'm posting pictures of Amber, their mom's bookstore and the crime scene.

But I promise you nothing will happen.

Wow! Look at all those likes.

It feels a little shallow TBH. Wait! Brain chemistry just changed.

This is the greatest feeling in the world!

Good morning. Welcome to Crystal Cove Asylum,

where all of your fantasies hopefully won't come true.

Yes. Hello. We'd like to see Dr. Dane Dupree.

Dr. Dane Dupree?

Do you mean, Dr. Dane Perdue? Wait. No, no, You were right.

It's Dr. Dane Purdoctor, I mean Edna Purdane, oh boy.

Forget it, Rhonda. You blew it.

- I'll deal with these two. - Grandma?

Oh, my God, 3,000 likes and counting!

Any more and I'll have to start a lifestyle brand.

Velma, what have you done?

What have I done? Men are dead, and you're protecting Amber

more than parents who say "boys will be boys".

Amber is going to jail.

No, Velma.

Thanks to you, I'm going to be burned alive!

Bring out the witch!

Don't blame me. If you'd arrested Amber, we could've avoided this.

There's no time to point fingers.

Just do something before that mob... Oh, God!

Tramples my new flowers.

The evidence doesn't point to Amber, Velma.

They have an alibi. They were with us all night.

What? Why wouldn't you just tell me that?

The same reason anyone keeps anything quiet.

Truth makes us look bad.

Excuse me, everyone.

Thank you for forming this angry mob on such short notice.

Unfortunately, for the first time ever,

it seems the social media post was not accurate.

While the murders feel witchy,

new evidence suggests it was not Amber.

See, with the election coming up, Amber was helping us all night

by burning Merle's yard signs in our backyard.

Wait, what? You burned my signs?

It was childish and in social media fashion, everyone is sorry-ish.

Oh, my! Well, then it seems we've made a terrible error

because Amber is even more powerful than we thought!

They've cast a spell on Velma to defend them!

Burn Amber!

What? No!

No! Stop! You're all in danger.

A killer is still out there targeting your dongs.

Exactly. And that killer is Amber.

According to this one commenter,

witches use penii for their spells and potions.

Now we've got Amber outnumbered so they don't scare us.

In fact, men, let's show everyone how brave we are!

Stand up to the witches! Remove your britches!

You'll get my cold dead genitals when you pry them from my hand!

- I think you said that wrong. - I assure you, I did not!

They're not going to listen to us, Velma!

I know. But there is someone they will listen to.

Sophie, I need a ride.

Grandma? What's going on?

You're alive? And is Grandma what I call you?

No. Dr. Perdue will suffice. Now, how did you find me?

Your mother nor father are that smart.

Our biology teacher, Gavin Swendig had a staff list.

Norville rearranged the letters of Dr. Dane Dupree,

which, honestly,

for somebody who's supposedly brilliant, seems a little lazy.

I had Rhonda do it. Shame on me, right?

But Gavin is one of those dead men.

Why is he looking for me? Tell me about it.

We're not telling you anything until you explain

how you've secretly been alive for 30 years!

Norville, I understand your frustration.

But telling anyone was too risky.

The military is still after me for hiding my journals

and abandoning Project SCOOBI.

And God help us if they ever found this!

That's why there's no eating on the floor, Rhonda.

I'm sorry.

You think I can talk the mob down?

I mean, I could try, but I usually just incite them.

I know, but Merle listened to you earlier.

And mobs just want easy answers in a scary, complex world.

Believing in the supernatural allows you to connect with them.

On a simpler level I can't.

Okay, Well, I'll still do it.

But only because I need you to do something for me.

Or rather, us.

I need you to get me your mom's ring size without her knowing.

William is proposing?

They've only been dating for two weeks.

The only question he needs to be popping is "Are your tubes tied?"

I know, but I've never seen Father so happy.

So do this for me or that witch will burn.

I can't tell what's sadder.

That Diya's getting married before me,

or that all of these are gold-plated.

Diya getting married before you.

All right, Fred, you have my mom's ring size. Now we have to go.

My relationship with Daphne is already on the rocks.

And if the mob burns Amber, Daphne might think it's somehow my fault.

Now, what we do here is unorthodox.

So please reserve all judgment until the end.

Oh, God! You're a monster.

Coconut seltzer?

Sorry, wrong door.

And some people like the taste of sunscreen.

What? Who do these brains belong to?

The brave. The curious.

And, of course, the rich and bored.

That lady brought her cat.

See, while at Project SCOOBI I made an incredible discovery.

When I placed hardened soldiers' brains in jars

they discovered their true selves,

unsullied by outside influences.

After the procedure, now, knowing who they were,

they all left the military.

One became a teacher, two got married,

and one walked on his hands because I put his brain back in upside down.

I have since perfected the technology,

and now anyone can have their brain removed to find their true self.

- Rhonda, I told you to get a mat. - Sorry!

Hold on. You faked your death

and abandoned your family to create a day spa for brains?

Norville, helping people figure out who they really are is revolutionary work.

Exactly! And I couldn't contact you and risk the military finding me.

It takes rigorous screening before I let anyone in here.

I haven't even reached out to those poor girls

Victoria Jones put in jars, even though I'm sure they're dying.

What? The Brains are dying?

Mom, you have to convince them I'm not evil!

Read them one of my poems!

Which one? "Love Unites"?

Or "I'll do anything to stay a witch forever parentheses mwah-ha-ha"?

Mom!

Oh, no! We're too late! What do we do?

Nothing if you want to stay alive!

But Amber didn't do this.

The only thing they're guilty of is thinking they could replace me

as the driving force in Daphne's life.

Yeah, I know that, Velma. I've always known that.

I've just been using this to help my sheriff campaign.

I didn't think they'd actually try to burn them.

But now anyone who tries to talk sense to the mob

will be burned with a witch!

You know, the thin crust actually has fewer carbs

than this gross cauliflower crust.

No! Cauliflower must be healthier!

Wait, you're right. As Americans, we'd rather destroy anyone

who points out our delusions than admit we might be wrong.

- Amber's gonna burn. - Not on my watch, they aren't!

Untie that witch!

Never mind! As you were!

William, what were you thinking?

That witch can't die!

Diya found out I was gonna propose and said no.

So now I need Amber to cast a love spell on her.

Damn it, Velma! I knew you'd ruin the secret.

Just when you think the day can't get worse.

It wasn't Velma.

I figured it out because Aman posted this.

TFW You're not paying alimony anymore? #freedom

#never making that mistake again? Aman!

All right!

Yeah! Get him, Sophie!

If Aman hadn't posted that, I'd be proposing on my yacht right now.

Diya's only way home would be to say yes or swim.

Wait. And if I hadn't posted that picture of Amber

and the dead coroners, the mob wouldn't be here.

Holy crap, I think I know how to save Amber!

Even more guns? Wondered when you'd get there.

The only thing Americans hate more than being told they're wrong,

is learning they've been lied to.

If the mob is looking for blood...

Then we just gotta give them some red meat!

Concerned people of Crystal Cove!

All this is because you saw a post!

So I ask, is the problem witches or elites

using big tech to manipulate your feeling on witches?

Are you pawns? Or are you men?

And women whose motives I can't totally wrap my head around.

Exactly! Then let this witch go

and turn your anger to the force that bewitched your minds.

- Social media! - Velma!

Fine! A pox on you all!

Help! Mom get Dad, he's a lawyer!

Maybe the threat of a lawsuit will get them to release me.

You said you didn't want to get married.

I remember because that's the moment I fell in love with you.

That was before we had a child!

And even though Diya was missing, you were still married to her.

But now you're not.

And I've worked hard to turn our den of sin into a home,

hoping we could make it official.

Wait. That's why you redid the garden?

I just thought you were bored like every other gardener.

It's a metaphor. I want to grow something together.

How am I supposed to figure that out from flowers?

Aman! What are you doing?

Butt out! And don't stand in my flowers!

Or do. I don't care anymore!

Velma! What can I do that doesn't involve

me confronting anyone who might hurt me?

Maybe you and your dad can just pay them to leave.

Like when a CEO messes up real bad.

What? I didn't hear you!

I'm telling you to shut down the will of the people with money.

It's every rich person's dream.

Dad, are you getting any of that?

It's just like the squeak of a balloon deflating.

Velma, that won't work!

I've been around William enough to learn that rich people can't hear you

when you tell them how to spend their money!

It has to be their idea. Watch!

William, look, I really like you.

- But it's too soon to get married. - I agree.

But if you're not locked down, you can just leave.

That gives you too much power. My friends at the club will laugh.

But a real relationship isn't about power, and locking people down.

It's about caring and respect.

You are truly the most remarkable woman I've ever known.

I would do anything for you.

Then please, pay these people to leave Velma alone.

I'm sorry. Did you say something?

Mom! They lit the fire!

Hey, no one roasts my daughter but me!

Now, why'd you go and do that?

Help!

The Brains can't die!

They were about to start internships as buoys in the marina.

- How do we save them? - Well, it's fairly simple.

I just need to change the solution in their jars as soon as possible.

Wait, that's it? Great! Let's go!

Ow, I thought you were asking hypothetically.

See, that's how I would save them if I could leave the asylum.

But I can't. No one outside of this place

can know I'm alive or the military might find me.

I've had it with you, Grandma!

It's bad enough you think your work is more important than your family,

but you also think it's more important than saving lives?

- Yes! Perfectly summarized. - Hold on.

What if you went to the Brains in my body?

This is all my fault, Mom.

I'm worse at social media than a fast food company during Pride month.

You can't win. Being bad at social media makes people insecure,

and so does being good at it.

At least that's what I tell myself when someone unfollows me.

No, wait, Mom, that's the answer.

Fear and insecurity created the mob, which means it can destroy it.

All I have to do is exploit the biggest insecurity of all.

Or should I say, smallest.

I'm gonna post some altered photos of Sheriff Cogburn,

Mr. S, and the coroners.

Just prey the "bulge" setting on Olive's butt enlarging app works.

And post!

- Velma, you're brilliant! - What did you post?

- Do you not follow me? - I do. My battery died.

Velma, is this post true?

That all the victims were better endowed

than a public broadcasting service?

Yes. Sorry, we didn't mention that earlier.

The killer is only targeting men with huge dongs.

So if you don't have a huge dong, stay here as long as you want.

You're fine. Everyone will just know you have a small dong.

Yeah, I see.

Well, the rest of you fellas are probably safe.

But I should head inside.

I have to go feed mine so it don't attack me.

All this rampaging and having a big penis hurts my back.

You did it, Velma!

You used social media to actually do a good thing.

Maybe I'm finally starting to figure it out.

In fact, I've heard selfies perform better

when you take your glasses off.

You're suggesting my grandma do a reverse Get Out?

That movie is a modern classic,

I don't think Jordan Peele needs our take on it.

But it's the only way to save Lola and the rest of the Brains.

Not to mention being a brain in a jar

sounds like it's exactly what I need to figure out who I am.

She should use my body instead. My granny, my choice.

And for that reason, I say, "Hell, naw."

Because you couldn't live with yourself if something bad happened

to your flesh and blood?

How dare you? The procedure is foolproof.

I just don't want to touch your penis when I have to pee. It's weird.

But then again, putting my brain in the body of a young Asian woman,

could raise some thorny questions.

Agreed. So let's stay off social media and handle it respectfully.

And go save those Brains!

Help us! Or at least toss out a s'more so I can die happy!

- Oh, no! - It's Arizona all over again.

- Dad, you saved us! - No, this wasn't about you.

I was putting out the fire before the heat wilted Sophie's flowers.

- You were? - Yes. I know I'm not perfect.

But I always protect what's important to me.

Amber, I'm sorry.

I shouldn't have jumped to any conclusions.

Or posted that picture.

Or bought 50,000 followers to repost it.

It's honestly not okay, but according to my rune stones,

you'll get what's coming to you soon enough.

The good news is that we'll be able to focus all of our attention

on catching the actual serial killer

as soon as we're elected co-sheriffs tomorrow.

This is gonna sound insane, but voters are actually responding negatively

to the fact that Merle tried to burn women alive.

Well, if that doesn't merit a post, I don't know what does.

What?

What do you mean you liked, then unliked Velma's post?

Oh, God, I just did it again.

I told you to stay off social media.

So teens, my point is, Jesus only had 12 followers

and he still went viral.

LOL, Lord of Light.

No, fuck me. It was dark.