Original subtitles

Previously on Velma...

I'm sorry I refused to work on your science fair project with you.

I thought you needed a reality check.

But maybe what you really need is a father who's willing to listen.

Really?

Dr. Edna Perdue is your grandmother?

You know my mom went missing when she was researching her house.

Gigi, I swore you to secrecy!

I'm real tired of acting nice to make people like me.

Okay. Well, in that case,

would you like to learn some real witchcraft?

Norville, is Daphne reading a spell book with interest?

Oh, no! In neutralizing his hallucinations,

Norville accidentally removed all his empathy.

I think smoking weed makes you a loser.

Norville, that's just the science talking. Take it back.

Or you'll get detention. And you can all join him.

Saturday, 7:00 AM sharp.

What's great about best friends is that they know the real you.

Are you sure I'll like Beyonce?

I usually only listen to public radio theme songs.

Trust me, you're gonna love her.

But just like Daphne knew the real me, I knew the real her.

Daphne, come on. Get off your phone.

Yeah, just one sec.

And Daphne Blake is no witch.

Right?

Poser.

Hey, your Saturday detention looks just like The Breakfast Club.

Best movie of the best decade.

When you ignore the nukes, crack and AIDS.

Dad, stop! No one in their right mind is still making '80s references.

It's bad enough that Amber

has Daphne believing all this '90s style witchy crap.

"Witchy crap"?

I hope that's a joke, because this is me now.

So let's just burn some sage to cleanse the...

What is it? Don't tell me.

- Negative energy. - Negative energy. I knew that.

This isn't sage, Daphne. It's an old pine cone.

Stupid witchcraft.

How cool is it that we went ghost hunting last night, Dad?

Though, I still can't believe you locked me out of the van

for six hours as you and Velma's mom

loudly fought that ghost in here.

Yes, well, anything to help my son

find the ghost that possessed his mother.

You're doing the right thing, pretending to believe him.

Eventually, he'll accept the truth about Victoria on his own.

Or, you know, you adopt and try again.

You're right. Admitting your mom's a serial killer isn't easy.

I went through the same thing at his age.

Enjoy detention and do everything the teacher says.

Unless he's a pervert. Use your judgment.

Or if he's a pervert, your pepper spray.

Way ahead of you. I have regular and spring break strength.

Thanks for taking me to detention, Mom. Love you.

Suck a turd, Lamont.

I think you mean, "Suck a turd, Dad."

You sure you got this? His empathy isn't fully back.

He just called the mailman "a blue shorts-wearing bitch".

He's not wrong, but still.

Don't worry. I so got this.

Great. Yeah, I'll be at the spa. Don't bother me.

High school. Best time of our lives.

Best of times indeed. I'd do anything to go back.

Hey, we should catch up sometime.

You know, maybe take a little trip down memory lane?

Is that not what we just did?

Best time of our lives.

Hey, Aman. They just discovered global warming in our pants.

Come on.

Yeah. Maybe this trip down memory lane is better solo.

Daphne, I know you're mad. Your mood ring is black.

Also, a mood ring? Really?

Forget it, Velma. Daphne doesn't want us anymore.

We're like rich kids trying to get into an Ivy these days.

Rejected, unless you're super rich.

Only because you all rejected Amber without ever giving them a chance.

Like they were a female late-night talk show host.

I'm sorry, but the popular clique has already absorbed

a mouthy nerd and brains in jars.

We have to draw the line at witches,

or we're literally just the drama club!

Stop yelling! We're in a library.

This is where you yell at nerds. Norville...

Guys, I'm sorry I got us all detention.

Fortunately, I feel my empathy coming back.

I should be able to apologize to my dad

and get us out of here.

- Wait. Really? - Yes, Dad.

I'm so sorry...

that you're a little bitty baby.

And I'm sorry you zapped your brain and aren't really yourself.

But there's only one thing that'll end detention

and it's not an apology.

Here comes the perv stuff.

What? No, no, no. See, as your guidance counselor,

it's my job to monitor your well-being.

Which I do via our school's closed circuit camera system.

What? Principal Rogers said those are for a Japanese reality show

called Unsafe American High School.

Yes, well, the point is I know each of you

is dealing with a common teen issue.

Who am I?

Girlfriend is now a witch.

Don't even know where to start.

Brain in a jar.

Has hallucinations because he accidentally killed

Fred's mom with a stalactite.

This is all standard stuff, people.

Hold on. Saturday detention,

teens reduced to a single character trait?

Was my dad right? Oh, no.

- You wouldn't. - Oh, I would.

We're doing a Breakfast Club, baby.

By following the rules of the '80s best movie,

you'll be here until unsanctioned hijinks

lead to tidy teen issue resolution.

But teens are over '80s references.

And yet, every time pop culture tries to move forward,

some Gen X loser like you holds a boom box over his head

and we all have to moonwalk back to 1982.

The moonwalk wasn't debuted until 1983, you dork!

Nobody cares anymore!

I see. And you all feel this way about '80s references?

Unless we're talking trickle-down, I'm out.

Perfecto-mundo! 'Cause there's nothing more '80s

than dorks, misfits and popular kids

uniting against an authority figure.

Let the catharsis through minor rebellion begin.

Yes, Daphne's already sneaking out.

Relax, I'm just going to pee.

Something girls didn't start doing until '90s independent films.

If you're here to apologize about earlier, don't.

- I'm not that mad. - Wait, really?

I came in thinking you might cram me in the tampon dispenser.

That's just it. Being popular is all about power and domination.

Wicca is about kindness.

Putting my faith into positive energy and...

Shoot! What's the third thing?

Following the Wiccan Rede. Have you been using the flashcards?

This is my point, Daphne.

Amber, I have nothing against you personally.

And yes, Daphne's more calm.

And that dress is, like, "Damn." But...

Where was I going with this?

You feel threatened by the waning influence you have over Daphne?

No. I feel threatened by you feeding her a bunch

of neo-pagan garbage.

Before you, the only magic she liked was Mike.

See, that negativity is exactly why you could never be Wicca.

- Wiccan. Which is it again? - You gotta use the flashcards!

Still, as my girlfriend, can you at least try to support me?

Fine. But only as your girlfriend. As a friend, I still hate it.

Blessings.

And as your best friend,

I am gonna prove that this is not who you are.

- Hey, there. - I got a text alert.

That someone logged into my computer.

Are you using the cameras to monitor yet another

'80s movie detention?

You swore you'd stop those. We installed those cameras

for a Japanese reality show.

I know. I'm not.

Even if I were, the kids aren't doing anything fun or rebellious.

They're just doing nothing. Like in a '70s movie.

This is your final chapter, Norville!

Please, no. Not wordplay.

Norville! Oh, God! You're hallucinating.

Yes, they just came back. But seeing Victoria is good news.

If my hallucinations have completely returned,

that means my empathy has also completely returned.

Norville, I don't think you're having hallucinations of Victoria.

I saw an energy around you.

I think you're being haunted by Victoria's ghost.

What?

Wait. That makes perfect sense.

Mother's been haunting Norville as revenge for killing her.

Mother, if you're here, send a sign.

It is her ghost. She's ignoring me.

Fred, that makes no sense. Why would eating make her go away?

Is she a ghost or a boyfriend?

Velma, Mother was a rich bottle blonde in her fifties.

Nothing scared her more than food.

Well, the only way we'll know for sure is to try and summon Victoria with...

a seance.

- Yeah, Amber, I don't know. - Thank you. Finally.

A seance is exactly the kind of rebellious thing

Lamont would want us to do to fulfill his overdone '80s fantasies.

I know, but we have to try. I'm desperate.

And if we concoct an elaborate scheme

so my dad doesn't know we're doing an elaborate scheme,

then it becomes a comment on '80s movies.

And that's meta, which is our generation's thing.

Wait, elaborate scheme? That's it.

I can use this seance to prove to Daphne that Amber's a fraud.

Was that an evil laugh?

Nope. Just getting into the witchy spirit.

Velma, where are you? I don't see you.

I know. I was trying to make a peephole into the girls' showers

and got stuck in the wall. Help!

No! Peepholes were one of the things

we had to leave in the '80s.

Like high-paying factory jobs. I'll be right there.

And not a word of this to Blythe.

It worked. We have at least 20 minutes

before he discovers I'm lying.

Okay, to commune with the dead,

we'll need something that belonged to Victoria.

What about Steve Buscemi? Mother won him in a poker game.

- Something smaller will do. - Steve Buscemi's hand?

Daphne why don't you and Velma go with Fred

to find something of Victoria's

and make sure it wasn't stolen from marginalized people.

Jeez, how tight are the rails on this gonna be?

Actually, if my memories of laughing through books on spiritualism hold true,

candles always seem to be part of seances.

Maybe Olive, Gigi and I could go get some Bunsen burners

from the chemistry lab?

Good idea. And Norville, we'll need something

to make a pentagram on the floor. Can you get goat blood?

Yes, actually. There's a ton of it in the cafeteria.

Perfect. I'll go with you in case you have another encounter.

All right. Let's summon a ghost, my witches.

God, I was the king here.

And I remember exactly where it all went wrong.

Hey, Aman. You wanna go party in the newspaper office?

I got something that's gonna blow your mind.

And chicks supposedly go crazy for it.

- You ever heard of law school? - Law school?

You remember the '60s, guys? Lots of Vietnam films out right now.

Lamo!

Velma, have you seen your father?

Does any child really see their father, Sophie?

Now I gotta go. Amber's doing a seance.

A seance?

I knew something was up with those new witchy neighbors.

All their wind chimes have totally screwed up Amanda's nap schedule.

Go back in Mom! No chimes in Mom.

Steer clear of them, Velma. Dark forces are at play.

Don't worry, they're harmless.

This witch business is all a bunch of BS

and I'm about to prove it.

BS? But you were just so gung-ho about helping with a seance,

we were gonna make fun of you behind your back.

It was for show. I know Daphne doesn't believe this stuff,

but the more I tell her that, the more she digs in.

Like girls with noncommittal boyfriends.

But this is our chance to expose Amber as a fraud.

Yes! What if we make Amber think they're channeling someone dead

but then we bust them by revealing the person's actually still alive?

It's the classic Jesus prank.

Perfect. Daphne will then see the error of her ways

and we welcome her back into the warm glow

of her ring light.

Really? You don't think this will work?

All right. Well, I keep some other stuff of Mother's in here.

Perfume, creams made from whales...

- Wait, is that locket your mother's? - Yes.

- It's her dogs. - Yeah, it's her backup locket.

She had one of father and me as well,

probably, but was buried with it.

Probably.

We have to go.

Lamont's on his way back from the girls' locker room.

I just have to assume Velma was another victim of the shower snakes.

Where's that old article Blythe wrote?

Found it!

Here's to Aman getting an internship at my old man's law firm.

Yeah. As a morally virtuous young man,

I can't wait to help people.

Help people? Don's dad just figured out a way

to buy musicians' song catalogs out from under them.

What? I want no part of that. No way I'm taking that internship.

Hey, get out.

You're supposed to be watching for the principal, Lamo.

It's Lamont, Aman.

And what are you doing in here? Taking a trip down memory lane

to when Principal Smith gave us our awesome detention? Nice!

Drinking in school? Detention. Even you, Lamo.

- It's Lamont, Principal Smith. - Principal Smith?

What are you talking about, Lamo?

Blythe! What are you doing here?

I was talking about the past with my homeslice Aman.

Where'd he go?

I cut my spa day short,

because I knew you were forcing these poor kids

into an '80s detention, Lamont!

So now, you get to stay in detention and make sure no one does anything.

You may have fooled her, but I know you're up to something,

and I've never been happier. What is it?

Well, we might as well tell you. Norville's hallucinations are back,

but Amber now thinks they are actually a ghost.

So we're having a seance to prove Amber right.

Or wrong.

A seance? That's incredible.

No. What's incredible is how you ever had enough testosterone to sire a child.

JK. JK. I was just checking that my empathy is fully back.

And it is. I can't believe I said that.

Oh, God. I'm gonna be sick.

Son, please don't beat yourself up.

Kids today are already so stressed out.

That's actually why I planned these detentions.

So you're forced to have some fun.

My detention back in the day was so awesome, I fainted.

Missed the whole thing.

I've been trying to relive it ever since.

And if I can help some teens like you along the way, even better.

Well, then, good news, Lamont. Because to pull off our seance,

we need you to distract Blythe by recreating the most iconic

'80s movie scene ever.

Why are we looking up?

Lamont! What the hell are you doing up there?

The Triple Lindy

from underrated '80s comedy, Back to School.

Wait! Velma meant crawl through the ceiling like in The Breakfast Club.

Oh, damn it!

Classic.

All right, everyone, hold hands in a circle around Norville.

Here we go.

Spirit of Victoria Jones, are you... Wait.

I'm getting some real bad energy from Velma.

Who, me? Nope. Everything's normal.

Velma, I know you and your flop sweat.

- You're up to something. - No, I'm not.

I just feel it's weird when adults hold hands.

Don't like it on Thanksgiving, don't like it now.

Not buying it. Olive, Gigi,

I invoke a force stronger than any magic...

Girl Code.

If you know my girlfriend is up to something,

you have to tell me.

Girl Code is just a myth perpetuated by early 2000s comedy.

Velma wanted us to help her expose Amber as a fraud.

What?

Velma, I thought you were trying to support me.

This is worse than when you secretly threw away my clogs.

I know. But you know I can't get behind the idea of ghosts or magic

or higher powers in the universe.

Which is so interesting,

seeing as how you have had an inexplicable,

otherworldly experience with a higher power

and we both know it.

Hey, you can stop. The song ended.

I don't care. This feels too good.

Wait, what's happening?

- What are you? - What am I?

I'm as close as you're getting to Beyonce, kid.

What is this place? And is the line for merch shorter?

This is where you go when Beyonce's music awakens your soul.

To the endless possibilities of our universe.

So if possibilities are endless, can I float closer to the stage?

- You're not on the list. - Oh, God!

I was just light-headed from yelling at people who told me to stop singing.

You can try to brush it off, but you know in your heart

that you encountered a power higher than yourself that night.

It was an outdoor concert

sponsored by a microwave burrito company.

Everyone was higher than me that night.

Just face it. You know I'm right.

I'm your best friend. I know the real you.

This is exactly why I don't want you doing these detentions.

People get hurt! And healthcare is way worse now.

You only say that because you had an awesome detention.

But I missed it.

And worse, you won't even tell me how awesome it was.

Because it wasn't awesome.

Hey, should we help him?

Oh, no! I've committed vandalism!

I'm gonna get expelled!

No. You can fake an injury and sue the school.

My dad will represent you...

if you take that internship at his law firm.

What? But a moral compromise like that

could change my whole life.

I wish you had never introduced me to the law, Don.

Aman sued the school to avoid expulsion.

But it cost him his soul. I became a principal to ensure

no more lives were ruined by detention.

And Don got as far away from the law as possible

by joining the military.

I wrote an article about it back then, but never published it.

There's still a copy in the newspaper office, though. Come on.

Wait, it's gone!

Okay, fine, Daphne.

Maybe there might be some kind of higher power,

but it's still a stretch to go from passing out

at a Beyonce concert to summoning ghosts.

Well, then what if we don't call it a seance?

What if instead, we honor your Beyonce experience

and call it a...

Se-yonce?

A Se-yonce. That's so beautiful.

That just might work. Wow, Daph, you really do know me.

And just to be clear, this is still about figuring out

if I'm haunted by a ghost, right?

Wait. I thought it was about my mother explaining she's innocent.

It can still be about those things.

I'm just way more invested now that it's also about me.

That's right. And I know the perfect chant to get us started.

Everyone knows Beyonce's song, "Haunted," right?

It's what you do,

it's what you see.

I know if I'm haunting you, you must be haunting me.

I know...

Did George R.R. Martin finally release his next novel

or are my nipples erect because the temperature just dropped?

It's Mother. Flickering lights was her favorite wasting energy flex.

Keep chanting, everyone! A magnificent spirit is near!

Ah, nuts. I scared it off.

I knew I was coming on too strong.

Oh, God, there's something in here with us.

It's Mother. Tell them you're innocent!

And also that we are using your backup locket,

not the one with my picture in it!

There's a hidden inscription.

"This locket contains the only things I've ever truly loved."

"I own no other lockets." What?

Oh, God! It's the ghost. Kill it!

Amber? I knew it was you as soon as I saw it was you.

But it wasn't. I was just trying to catch the real spirit.

We all felt it, right?

The only thing I feel is the satisfaction of being right.

Face it, Amber. You staged everything.

How could they? They've been with us the whole time.

Just because there are mysteries in life

that the great Velma Dinkley can't solve,

doesn't mean you should take it out on Amber!

Oh, but I can solve this mystery. All Amber would have to do

is distract us with some seance mumbo jumbo

while they fiddled with this old electrical box.

And cranking up the AC not only provided the spooky

supernatural chill in the room,

but it also blew the books and papers off the shelves.

I have to admit, Amber.

I thought your skills were relegated to the handmade soap realm,

but apparently I was wrong.

What? None of that is true.

Yeah. They didn't do it, Velma.

You're more off base than when you tried to go to second.

I'm off base? What about you and all this witchy stuff?

This isn't you, Daphne.

It's a whim, like when we made Pride and Prejudice

our whole personality.

No, it is me. I went to Thorn's bookstore, read a lot

and gave it a ton of thought.

You, of all people, know how much I've struggled to find the real me.

And I finally did. This is who I am.

That's not true. It can't be.

Because it's not the unknown that freaks me out.

It's idiots like you who ignore facts and science that do.

What's going on here? It's 4:45.

Your parents can and will sue if we keep you past 5:00.

- Oh, God! - Aman?

- So how was detention, son? - How was it?

I lost my innoc-once.

Are you ready for tonight's ghost hunt?

More than ever.

So how did the seance go?

It was bad, but I am glad I tried.

You're right about me needing to relax.

Maybe the '80s can still teach us stuff.

No, they can't.

It's time for me and every guy my age to stop living in the past.

And start living in the even more

distant past of the Civil War like we're supposed to.

There's a lot to be said for a tidy '80s ending.

Today's endings are all about the throw forward.

Wait, what's that?

Hey, I'll catch up with you guys later.

Why would Mr. S have something from the Crystal Cove Insane Asylum?

Dr. Dane Dupree?

Holy crap. Is my grandma alive?

Hey, buddy. Remember this? I was serious when I said

I wanted to catch up.

You owe me. And lives are at stake.

So was Aman looking for the article the whole time

in order to get Don to talk to him?

It seems this high school is even more unsafe than we thought!