Original subtitles

Last season on "Velma"...

- The serial killer is... - Victoria Jones?

It's not Victoria. She told me she's been possessed

by the ghost of Dr. Edna Perdue.

I love you.

- I love you too, Norville. - Norville?

Mother? Hello?

Another thing Velma was right about. No such thing as ghosts.

Hello?

My name is Velma Dinkley.

And three weeks ago, I caught my first serial killer.

Did the experience change me? Yes.

I'm more confident in my mystery solving.

I know someone's out there,

and if you give me six to ten weeks to investigate, I'll figure out who.

Though, I'm also pretty jumpy.

Ah, don't kill me! I'm about to attend a super cool party

and I'm not even crashing.

Velma, relax. It's just me.

And word of advice, saying a party is cool is not cool.

Now, come on, give me your hand. The party's this way.

Unfortunately, catching a serial killer

has taught me nothing about solving the mystery of teen romance.

So this is where the popular kids party in the woods.

I give myself ten minutes before I'm asked to leave.

Velma, no one's gonna ask you to leave.

As crazy as this sounds, you're popular now.

You saved the life of every girl here.

I guess. Still, it just feels weird. I'm so glad you're here.

Me too.

Now, you go in first. I don't want to arrive as a couple

and then have to spend the whole party explaining to people we're not...

What? But I thought... You just held my hand.

- It was romantic as hell. - No, it wasn't. It was practical.

I didn't want you stepping on all the broken glass

and used condoms out here.

Why can't you just admit you want to be together?

Because you told Norville you loved him right in front of me.

And I've told you that was an accident,

literally seven times and figuratively, a billion times.

It just feels so farfetched.

Norville's your best friend and you have that special bond

from all your weird AP nerd classes.

Yes, but you were my first best friend, Daphne.

And best friends trust each other.

So, I'm asking you to trust me that I told Norville I loved him on accident.

Nay, I'm begging you.

Oh, God! Look!

It's Sheriff Cogburn!

What do you mean you need to exhume my mother's body?

Seriously, I don't know what that means.

It means, I wanna dig her up and make sure she's truly dead.

In horror movies, killers always return three to ten times, and I...

We're not opening up Fred's mom's grave, Velma.

It's disrespectful and more importantly, it's expensive.

Expensive? Use the money you don't pay me to do your job.

Cogburn's murder three weeks after I caught Victoria

cannot be a coincidence.

My mom wasn't a serial killer!

She was possessed by the ghost of Norville's grandmother.

How is that so hard to understand?

This is useless.

I can't believe your moms won't dig up one stupid grave.

If Victoria's back, we're at the top of her list.

Velma, Victoria is dead.

We saw her get impaled by a stalactite.

I've also seen a picture of Victoria's original nose.

She has the money to fix anything.

And with all due respect to your moms,

if I don't solve Cogburn's murder, who will?

Excuse me!

- I have solved Cogburn's murder. - What?

In my three weeks as a spooky stuff hunter,

I have never seen an easier case.

The ghost of Norville's grandma has struck again.

Fortunately, this time I'm ready

'cause Freddy's partnered up with another smoking hot white dude.

Jesus.

And yet another reason I have to investigate.

I can't have this town thinking ghosts commit crimes.

You can say that again. Ghosts committing crimes?

That guy's a bigger fraud than the tummy tea industry.

Thank you, mysterious stranger.

So nice to meet a fellow rationalist.

What brings you to our grisly crime scene?

Well, I'm Amber and I just moved here with my mom.

She's opening an occult bookstore in town.

- A what? - Amber's our friend Thorne's kid.

They sent that pentagram note that made us all gasp on our front stoop.

I was in a band called The Hex Girls.

We were a real hardcore, witchy goth act.

But now it's time to hang up the old choker and try something more stable.

And that something is occult books?

- But you look so cool, Amber. - The universe is a mysterious place.

And what's cooler than helping people find answers?

The universe is not mysterious. It's governed by physics.

- Classical or quantum? - Both.

But the classical model can't support quantum theory.

Okay, yes. So, technically, that's mysterious, but...

But nothing. If physics doesn't have all the answers,

why not at least consider other ideas?

Wow, Amber. I've never heard anyone beat Velma in an argument.

She didn't beat me. I'm just slowly formulating a response.

You got your ass handed to you.

Okay. You know what? Forget this.

There's been a murder and the only person who can help me solve it

is my old faithful Norville.

Norville?

"Norville, please respond to this."

"I think Victoria is back."

"My mom won't let me investigate, so I need your help."

"And if you've been ignoring me because I told you I love you,"

"and then said it was an accident,"

"even more reason to talk. I miss you, my friend."

Nah, delete. Hey, text me back, dude.

Is that Mr. Swendig? What's he doing here?

Velma, do not embarrass yourself. He's just a brilliant biology teacher

who could get you an internship at any criminology lab you want.

Mr. S? What's your internship doing here?

I thought you weren't back from sabbatical until internship.

- Not bad, Velma. - Velma!

Is that you, or have kids wised up

and started copying your brilliant mix of brains and bangs?

Oh, Mr. S.

If memory serves, this laughter can last a while,

so I'll just continue.

I'm here getting my teaching job back, as my sabbatical is over.

I'd actually love to tell you about it,

and you can tell me about all that happened

to you and your lovely mother.

We used to have flirty conversations

about whether you should be medicated.

Better times, Mr. S. Better times.

But we can talk about it in biology class tomorrow.

Internship!

Definitely should be medicated.

You!

Just take a bite, Norville, and he'll be gone.

Someone has the munchies.

Totally. I'm totally not stress eating because I killed Fred's mom.

Accidentally killed Fred's mom, son.

You have to forgive yourself and more importantly

smoke all that weed I gave you. It helps.

I so am. I smoke so much,

people think I'm from Northern California.

Good. I hate watching you suffer.

And blazing a fat one really helps me with that.

I still can't get the blood out of your V-neck, sweetie.

So I picked up this crewneck T-shirt for you.

Thanks, Mom. I don't know what I'd do without you. Oh, crap!

Oh, you don't know what you'd do without your mom.

Well, maybe I can paint a picture.

Please, don't. I get it. I'm sorry.

Because my mom's dead because you killed her!

Talking to yourself. Now, I know you're high.

Now, Fredo. This holy water will protect you

from the scaries and the spookies.

Fred, there you are. Why are you at a church?

Are you religious now?

I thought rich guys only worshipped Ayn Rand and feet.

We do. But I had to become Catholic

for my spooky stuff hunting business. Customers expect it.

- You have customers? - Tons.

And in almost every scary movie and TV show,

spooky stuff is only scared of crosses and holy water.

And business is all about giving people what they want.

I even got my dogs on the team.

It's a gimmick, but it works.

- Anyway. What's up? - I need your objective opinion.

Do you think Velma has feelings for Norville?

Well, on the one hand, I hate Norville for killing my mother.

But on the other, under his dorky demeanor,

bad clothes and good grades, he is objectively hot.

His bone structure is insane.

But on the third hand, Velma's your oldest friend.

If she says she doesn't have feelings for him, I'd trust her.

Fred, you're right. That was shockingly thoughtful.

Maybe religion actually suits you.

Maybe. But if you wanna make out to get back at Velma,

I'm down for that, too.

Okay, if no one believes me that Victoria might still be alive,

then I have to do the one thing I swore I never would.

Manual labor.

Hello?

Who's there?

Where'd they go?

Their sneaker. Oh, I got you, sucker.

You were attacked?

Yes, but now I can pull a print off their shoe

once my mom goes to sleep.

She made me promise I wouldn't solve mysteries anymore.

Mysteries? What are you talking about?

And don't cleverly change the subject.

But did I tell you Mr. S is back?

Oh, Mr. S? Damn it, Velma!

Mom, please. Solving mysteries is not that big a deal.

I mean, you're still writing them. And no one's even asking you to.

- Actually, I've stopped writing. - Oh, no. Why?

Because my last book almost got your brain ripped out!

I'm sorry, but I love you too much to let you investigate.

The cops can find Cogburn's killer. No more mysteries.

Seriously, I am gonna be on you like brown on rice.

The worst kind of rice.

Okay, so, as you all know,

the Creaky Friday school fundraiser we planned is coming up.

- Velma? - Oh, sorry. Whoo!

Velma, come on! Being popular isn't just all partying

and eating yogurt on museum steps.

There's work involved! Focus up.

Sorry, my mom is watching my every move,

but she's about to realize her nicotine gum isn't in her purse,

center console or bra.

I need to go. No time to explain.

And don't guess, because that's solving a mystery.

And... Go time.

Gotcha. Now, I just need to run it through the police database.

We can use my mom's computer at home.

They're running to replace Cogburn for sheriff,

so they'll be out of the house all day

with Thorne and Amber planning their campaign kickoff party.

Hey, what's up with this new Amber person?

They seem super cool, but I always feel safer going along

with y'all's opinions of people.

Amber seemed cool at first, but is basically a boring know-it-all.

I think we should ostracize them until they transfer schools.

Velma's just mad because she lost an argument to Amber.

Like, was destroyed.

No, I'm mad because when Amber, who Daphne just met,

tells Daphne something insane, she's amazed.

But when I, Daphne oldest friend,

tell Daphne something totally rational, she's completely dismissive.

I get that. Though, Amber does have a certain magnetism about them.

Also, you're right. I have been dismissive.

But now I believe you don't have feelings for Norville.

What convinced you, Daphne? Was it my increasingly unhinged texts?

Because I will abuse that.

No, I just realized you're right about friends needing to trust each other.

That's amazing.

And when we run the fingerprint we can make us official

by picking our cutesy couple name.

I'm thinking, Velma and Daphne.

I love it, but come over in a bit.

I need to hide my cats before you arrive.

While I've forgiven you, they have not.

Everything okay?

You shouldn't be sighing like that until you've been together at least a year.

I don't know. All I've wanted is to be with Daphne,

but now that I am, something feels off.

Because you also told Sonia Sotomayor that you loved her.

No, not my precious Soso. I'm talking about...

Fred, please. I'm sorry!

Norville, I will never accept your apology for killing my mom!

No matter how well you're pulling off that crewneck!

Jinx! Staircase! To the van-mobile!

My shoe!

Fred, your dumb dog's destroyed my one piece of hard evidence.

Oh, did they? Well, maybe I'd be more sympathetic

if you hadn't tried to dig up my mom last night!

I found your shovel while kissing her tombstone this morning.

Now, excuse me as I go find Cogburn's actual killer

and keep you from sullying mother's name.

You just better pray the church never teaches me attack spells.

Norville, I know you're mad at me, but I have to follow Fred.

And maybe we can catch up?

Okay. Just promise you won't talk about anything

that's happened to us.

Of course. I have so many more interesting things to talk about

than you and me.

So, how's it going, amigo?

Are you ready for our Espanol test manana?

Okay, sorry. I can't do this. I have to talk about us.

Why won't you text me back?

Velma, I have a lot going on.

I'm not really thinking about our dynamic.

Nothing destroys a vibe like killing your friend's mother.

But Norville, you killed her in self-defense. It was an accident.

Velma, I'm serious. If I talk about this, I'll start to hallucinate.

Mother?

Mother, why aren't you making me walk home from my ballet recital?

Oh, right, because Norville killed you!

Norville, watch out!

I can't! My guilt is causing me to hallucinate!

You killed my mom, She was the bomb!

Will laughing make them stop?

Because I'm more of a satirist that makes you think.

No, stress eating is the only thing that stops them.

But I don't have any snacks!

Stress eating? Maybe there's food in your glove compartment.

- No, Velma, stop! - Hold, on. What's this?

Why do you have this?

This is the same kind of shoe I found in the cemetery.

Did you attack me?

Velma, I'll explain after you give me the snacks.

Please! We're going to die!

Norville. Can we keep him?

His name is my mom because he's dead!

You already tried to kill me last night.

At least, if we both die, I can torment you in hell.

Velma, you're my best friend. I need you to trust me.

Trust you? You're right. I don't know what I was thinking.

Here. But why do you have this shoe?

Okay, so when I heard Cogburn was murdered,

I also wondered if Victoria had somehow survived and killed him.

So, I went to investigate

because if she's alive, I can let go of all this guilt.

But when you were attacked,

I hallucinated that Fred's mom wasn't there to fix his posture.

Mother, where are you? My back feels weird.

And I couldn't help you. I'm sorry.

But I kept your attacker's other shoe because I thought it might help you.

Help me feel like a jerk for ever suspecting you?

- No, because it's a clue. - Right. Of course.

Norville, I owe you a huge apology but it'll have to wait.

We just passed Fred's van.

Guys, guys. It's okay. Velma and I are good now.

Wait. Why is there an air mattress on my floor?

And why are the vibes in here so abnormally chill?

We're moving in until my mom's occult bookstore takes off,

so possibly forever. Hope that's okay.

I'm fine with it. But Velma is another story.

I need to text her.

"What's your ETA? Do I have time to, say,

throw an air mattress out my window?"

"Can't talk. I'm at funeral home with Norville."

She's with Norville again?

Yeah, they left Spooner's together the same time we did.

- Seemed intense. - Intense?

It's good your moms have been planning this campaign party for weeks

because we got nothing done after that.

Planning it for weeks?

But my moms found Cogburn's body yesterday.

And before that, they thought he was on vacation

or at a problematic rally.

- That was their cover story. - Cover story?

And now I'm sensing I've said too much, so I'm stopping.

Today was Cogburn's funeral?

That's weird. We didn't hear anything about it.

Someone didn't want us here. There must be clues in the body.

Help me open the casket.

Die evil spirit!

Oh, God! I fell asleep in there!

Fred? What are you doing in there?

I was investigating and it's exhausting.

Anyway, Cogburn's body was missing from his own funeral.

So what did your grandma's ghost do with it, Norville?

Fred, please, for the last time, ghosts aren't real.

Until the truth comes out I will be on the war path of revenge!

Oh, God. It's the ghost of Sheriff Cogburn! Hide!

I'm in here with you. Velma. It's just me.

Open up and let me see you!

Step away from the casket, Merle.

Merle? Who, Merle?

No! Sheriff Earl Cogburn was my identical twin brother!

Identical? Every man over 50 looks the same to me,

and even I know that's not true.

We're identical voice twins, the rarest and closest of all twins.

- And I demand to see the body! - And we demand you leave.

This is official police business.

Meaning we can sit on it for years and keep it from the public.

No!

So Cogburn has a brother?

Yeah, I knew it wasn't a ghost.

Cool. Yeah, me, too.

Hey, maybe not the best time, but about the whole

"I love you" imbroglio, as it were...

Velma, look, as much as I'd love to stop caring for you...

No joke. It would make my life so much better.

I just can't.

Which is why it's weird how little sexual tension I'm feeling right now.

Huh, yeah, I also feel nothing.

Except the general weirdness that goes with being in a coffin.

But if I'm not secretly pining for you,

why am I suddenly doubting my feelings for Daphne?

Was she right not to trust me?

Daphne? You didn't hear us talking right now, did you?

Because it wasn't me. It was a ghost!

No, but I think my moms killed Sheriff Cogburn to take his job.

Wait. So not Victoria?

Well, at least we have a shoe that'll tell us for sure.

You mean, I have a shoe. This is my case,

and I am going to prove it's the ghost of your grandma who did it!

No! That whistle means drop it.

Maybe solving mysteries with dogs is a mistake.

So your moms killed Cogburn in order to take his job.

But why hide his body?

No, the real question is, how do we investigate them

without them finding out?

Their campaign kickoff party is tomorrow.

We can look for clues at your house while they're out.

Sure. But how do you leave the fundraiser without Diya noticing?

Yes. As sad as we are that Sheriff Cogburn died

the silver lining is there's no other way

we would have this chance to be co-sheriffs.

Politics is all luck.

I never would've become mayor if my opponent hadn't drowned

in my bathtub.

This is exactly like that.

You better stick close to me.

Don't you dare give me the slip again like at Spooner's.

Mom, look! It's Mr. S!

- Mr. S. - Diya, Velma said you'd be here.

She also said you spent two years in a cave and need "it" so bad

you can't see straight.

Velma!

I told you to ignore what I say in my sleep.

Regardless, you are staying at your father's tonight. Now, get.

Daphne, it worked.

Yes. I can absolutely prove your house was burned down by a ghost.

It hasn't burned yet.

The ghost is still calculating the insurance.

Fred! Enough with your ridiculous spooky stuff hunting business.

Our family name can only take so much embarrassment.

Norville.

This is what the pioneers smoked.

And kids who get high with their parents always turn out great.

But I have something I need to do.

We've looked everywhere for evidence and found nothing.

Though, kudos. If your moms aren't killers,

they're way better at it than being cops.

You sure?

Because it seems like we just caught you two acting really stupid.

Oh, God! You did kill Cogburn! I promise we won't tell.

Though, we should consider doing a podcast about it.

- People would listen. - Velma, we didn't kill Cogburn.

We've just been trying to protect you from the truth.

But then Amber spilled the beans

like they were making burritos in an earthquake.

Amber. Am I right?

It's true. We only found Cogburn's body in the woods yesterday,

but this is from three weeks ago.

I am here in the Police Department records room,

where it appears Sheriff Cogburn was murdered.

We're not sure. There's no body. Just this...

Donna, sweetie, don't puke on that.

It's evidence.

You knew Cogburn was killed three weeks ago?

Why hide that and start planning your campaign?

You wanna be a sheriff, not a congressman from Florida.

Velma, this case is like recycling.

The less you actually know about it, the happier you'll be.

Wait. Is that my mom's cold case file?

Why is that evidence? And where are Dr. Perdue's journals?

They were in the file when I gave it back to Cogburn.

- Could that be why he was killed? - Do you mean Dr. Edna Perdue?

Mr. S was just talking about her at the fundraiser.

- He's, like, obsessed with her. - What? Mr. S!

Oh, my God, Daphne. I think we might have pimped my mom out

to Cogburn's actual murderer.

Hey, Fred. I'm not here to ask you to accept my apology

for accidentally killing your mom again.

I just want to say that my dad doesn't get me either.

But while I agree with him that your business is ridiculous,

you still made it a success through pure hustle.

A nerd likes me. Now I know what a fanny pack feels like.

Okay. Well, I mean it.

Like, I mean it when I say I'm sorry I accidentally killed your mom.

Fine. Apology accepted.

I forgive you, though, mostly because I have to

on account of my new faith.

But you take the bad with the good.

Wait. We've been talking about your mom

and I haven't hallucinated.

You accepting my apology must have cured them, Fred.

- So are we good? - Good? No, we're not good.

You killed me, Norville, and I'll never let you forget it.

Fred. Quick. I need a snack.

All they have are baby carrots and even I don't hate you that much.

Mom! Please don't be dead or having sex.

Oh, God. No, Mom.

It's worse that I thought. You're writing.

I mean, what's going on?

Where's Mr. S? Did he try to kill you?

Kill me? I've never felt more alive.

I'm writing again.

I know I said I was scared to do it,

but as that perfect ass held me in his arms,

I realized I can't live life and be afraid of it.

So does that mean you'll let me continue solving mysteries?

Where's Mr. S? Did he kill Cogburn?

And if he didn't, can we say he did?

A suspect would really help our campaign.

I really want to say no. But given the other options in this town,

maybe it's best if you do keep solving mysteries.

So, I've been thinking, and you're right.

It wasn't an accident I told Norville I loved him.

Okay, well, I appreciate you telling me

and having the courage to do it within punching distance.

No, look, I thought my mom was overreacting

about mysteries being dangerous but she wasn't.

If you ever got hurt because I was solving a mystery, I'd literally die.

So you've been protecting me this whole time.

That's so romantic. But now what?

I'm not sure, but I know for a fact

that whatever's brewing is even bigger than last time.

And I know for a fact that as long as we're together, we'll be fine.

- We're soulmates. - Soulmates?

Daphne, that term was invented by the publishing industry

to sell books about vampires boning werewolves.

No, it wasn't. Everyone believes in soulmates.

We're teenage girls, not divorce lawyers.

Sure, the sentiment of a soul is nice,

but the only immutable essence inside of me

is Beyonce's incomparable "If I Were a Boy".

So you just think we're what? Intelligent meat?

Don't be reductive. I think we're horny meat.

Yeah, well, this meat has never been less horny.

Daphne, I'm sorry.

Can't we just be mature about this and make out a little bit?

She took the sock off the door, so I'm going to bed.

What? You live here now?

"What do you know about Dr. Edna Perdue?"

"And like, women in general? I'm having some problems with my girl."

"I'll tell you everything you want to know tomorrow

if you tell your mom I'm not looking for a relationship."

What?

Hello, dear?

If you've found a cold sore, I can explain.

I have herpes.

Hello?