All language subtitles for Yes Minister S03E07 - The Middle-Class Rip-Off

- Coming for a drink in the board room?
- Thanks.

Ah, well, better enjoy it
while the club's still here.

- We've always survived.
- It's different this time.

Tell him, Brian.

We've had a meeting of
the finance committee.

Aston Wanderers will have
to call in the Receiver!

- You mean bankrupt?
- The final whistle.

We need one-and-a-half million quid, Jim.

The government waste that every 30 seconds!

- Oh, I say!
- You know what people are saying?

It's no good having a
Cabinet Minister for an MP.

Better a local lad with
time for his constituency.

That's absurd! Why?

There are advantages if
an MP's in the Cabinet.

We haven't noticed them, have we, Harry

- Such as?
- It reflects well on the constituency.

It's good to have powerful friends,

Influence in high places,
a friend in need...

Listen, friend, what we need is
one-and-a-half million quid!

So will you use that influence to help us?

Well, when I said influence, I
meant the indefinable sort,

the intangible, subtle benefit

of an input into broad general
policy at its early stages

while keeping constituency
interests in mind.

Do you mean no?

Well, anything I can do in a broad,

general sense to further the
cause, I will certainly...

er, do.

If I can. But for a minister
to pump one-and-a-half million

into his local football club!

He means no.

But there'd be lots of votes in it.
You'd be the hero.

"The man who saved Aston
Wanderers" Safe seat for life!

That might occur to the press. And
the opposition. And the judge!

If this club goes to the
wall It'll be a disaster.

Look at our history!

FA Cup winners, League Champions,
first team into Europe.

I know all that, but be fair.

It's a local matter, not a ministerial one.

As chair of the Arts and Leisure
Committee, can you help?

Me? You're joking.

I spent half of yesterday
trying to raise 711 quid

to repoint the chimney on the art gallery.

That miserable place? Why
not let it fall down?

I'd love to, but if it fell on
somebody, the Council is liable.

We own the bloody place!

And we keep getting offers for the site.

Save fair Supermarkets
were after it last month.

Hold on, how much were they offering?

About two million quid, I think.

If you sold the art gallery, you
could save the football club.

- There'd have to be a planning enquiry.
- Can we see it?

We'll have to be quick. They close at five.

- Hideous, isn't it?
- Well, it's a Grade II listed building.

Bernard, what is our political master up to

with the Corn Exchange Art Gallery

- Oh, how did you find out about that?
- Not from you, Bernard.

An omission you may care to explain.

- Surely it's just a constituency matter?
- Surely not.

Selling the gallery to
Save fair Supermarkets

and giving an interest-free
loan to Aston Wanderers,

he's acting as an MP not a minister.

It is the principle, Bernard.

Have you thought what the effect
would be if this happens?

- He'd be very popular.
- Exactly!

Distressingly popular.
Hideously popular. And then?

- The minister would be re-elected.
- And that is not our top priority.

In this department, it makes little
difference who the minister is.

But the point is, suppose other
football clubs got into difficulties?

And what about greyhound racing?

Should dog tracks be subsidised
as well as football clubs?

- Why not, if that's what the people want?
- Bernard...

subsidy...

is for art, for culture.

It is not to be given to
what the people want!

It is for what the people
don't want but ought to have!

If they want something they'll
pay for it themselves!

No, we subsidise education,
enlightenment, spiritual uplift.

Not the vulgar pastimes of ordinary people.

It's the thin end of the wedge.
It must be stopped!

- Ah, Minister.
- Humphrey. What's the matter now

Minister, I thought you'd
like early warning

that there's a reshuffle in the offing.

- You don't mean... You're not suggesting...
- No, no, no, Minister.

There is to be a
departmental reorganisation.

A real reshuffle.

- We may get extra responsibilities.
- Do we want them?

We want all responsibilities, Minister,

If they mean extra staff
and bigger budgets.

It's the breadth of our responsibilities

that makes us important,
makes you important.

When you see vast buildings, huge staff

and massive budgets, what do you conclude?

Bureaucracy?

No, Minister, you conclude
that at the summit

there are men of great stature and dignity

who hold the world in their hands

and tread the earth like princes.

Yes, I see.

So each new responsibility
must be seized eagerly

and each old one guarded jealously.

Entirely in your interests,
of course, Minister.

Thank you for warning me, Humphrey.

Thank you, Minister.

Oh! By the way...

About the Corn Exchange
Art Gallery proposal.

What about it?

It's the most imaginative
scheme, novel idea,

but I wonder if it might
not be a little unwise?

Why?

- A valuable civic amenity.
- A monstrosity!

A valuable civic monstrosity.

An important collection
of British paintings.

Utterly unimportant.

Second-rate portraits,
third-rate landscapes,

modern paintings the Tate
wouldn't even store.

An important collection
of unimportant paintings.

And a source of great spiritual
uplift to passing citizenry.

- They never go in!
- But they know it's there.

The curator says they
average 11 visitors a day!

- It's a constituency matter.
- What's your interest?

- A question of principle.
- Principle?

What you used to tell
me politics was about.

What principle?

The principle of taking
money away from the arts

and putting it into football.

A football club is a commercial operation.

There's no cause for subsidy
if it runs out of money.

- Why not?
- Why not?

Yes. There's no difference between
subsidising football and art.

Except more people are
interested in football.

Our cultural heritage has to be preserved.

For whom?

For people like you, you mean,
the educated middle classes.

Why should others subsidise the
pleasures of the middle-class few

Theatre, opera, ballet!

Subsidising art is a middle-class rip-off.

Oh, Minister, how can you say such a thing?

Subsidy is about education,

preserving the pinnacles
of our civilisation.

Or hadn't you noticed?

Don't patronise me. I believe in education.

I'm a graduate of the London
School of Economics, remember.

Glad to learn even the LSE
is not opposed to education.

Nothing wrong with subsidising sport.
Sport is educational.

We have sex education too.
Should we subsidise sex?

Could we?

Let us choose what we subsidise
by the extent of popular demand.

- It's democratic.
- But Minister, it's the thin end of the wedge!

What would happen to the Royal Opera House,

the very summit of our
cultural achievement?

Very good case in point.
What do they do?

Mozart, Wagner, Verdi, Puccini.

Germans and Italians, not our culture.

Why should we subsidise the
culture of the Axis powers?

Our European partners, Minister!

The Royal Opera House
gets 9.5 million pounds

of public money every year.

And for what? The public
can't afford 30 seats

and if it could there
aren't enough of them.

The audience consists of
big business executives

block-booked by the banks and oil companies

and multinationals and people like you.

The Royal Opera House is
the establishment at play.

Why should the working
man pay for the gentry

who can perfectly well
afford their own seats?

Minister, I'm quite frankly appalled.
This is savagery, barbarism.

That a Minister of the Crown
should say such things,

It's the end of civilisation as we know it,

as well as being a gross
distortion of the truth.

Distortion?

Art cannot survive without public subsidy.

Did Shakespeare get a subsidy?

And films? Films are art and educational.

Why does the establishment
ignore their subsidy?

Because people like you prefer opera.

We should subsidise relevant art

like films that the man
in the street can enjoy.

Precisely! They are commercial.

Now, excuse me, I have to go early.

I cannot continue with
this appalling discussion.

- Where are you going?
- Nowhere.

Well, I'm sorry. We must talk this through.

I can't. I have to dress.

Dress? Where are you going?

Since you insist, I am going
to the Royal Opera House.

Are you really?

Gala night, is it?

- Yes, it is, since you ask.
- Lots of Permanent Secretaries going?

Some, no doubt.

- Off you go, then.
- Thank you.

I don't want to make you late
for your works' outing!

That's what it is, isn't it?
What's on tonight?

The Flying Dutchman.

Another of our European partners!

- G&T, Ian?
- Thanks.

Two G&Ts, please, large ones.

And some of those smoked
salmon sandwiches you have.

Thank you very much.

- So, how's the environment?
- Bit smoky, isn't it?

Oh, you mean my department?
Chaos, as usual.

What, the Secretary of
State is trying to run it?

I could cope with that.

One of the junior ministers
is trying to help him.

Oh, Lord.
Who?

- Giles Freeman, the Parli Sec.
- Oh, Lord, him?

Anyhow, what do you want to talk about?

A planning enquiry.

Important we get the right result.

My planning inspectors are
absolutely independent.

Absolutely. No undue influence.

No, I wouldn't suggest it.

But if it's a question of giving
certain informal guidelines...

- Putting the enquiry into perspective.
- Yes, indeed.

Explaining the background to facilitate

an appreciation of the
issues and implications.

- That would be quite proper.
- Splendid.

- Ah.
- Thank you very much.

- Er, right.
- Thank you very much.

Cheers.

So what do you want me to fix?

It's an art gallery in the West Midlands.

Proposed demolition of a
Grade II listed building.

I'm sure we can arrange that.
Only too happy.

Splendid.

We're knocking them down
all over the place.

No, no, the proposal has to be rejected.

Really? Why?

If it goes through,
they'll use the proceeds

to save the local football
club from bankruptcy.

- Humphrey...
- I know.

If once you allow the principle of money

being taken from the arts and
given to ordinary people...

to enjoy themselves!

- I agree.
- Where will it end?

Exactly.

- Where did this appalling idea come from?
- My lord and master.

He's getting very het up
over the sweaty masses.

Didn't you stop him? What
were you thinking of?

It's not me. It's his constituency.

Apparently he put it to a group
of councillors last Saturday

and they jumped at it.

I've always said we shouldn't
let him out at weekends!

He only causes trouble. You
realise where this could lead?

Today a gallery goes to support
the local football club,

tomorrow the Opera grant
goes to modernise Wembley

So I can trust you to keep an
eye on the planning enquiry

Well, I can't influence the inspector...
'Course not.

But I'll put someone on it
who's overdue for promotion.

Good. You'll give him a
thorough briefing, won't you?

Oh, I'm sure he will see the real issue.

Civilisation versus barbarism.

We can't have arts money
going to popular sport.

It's simply subsidising self-Indulgence.

Exactly.

Minister, before we go over today's diary,

there's something I'd like to
suggest, if I may be so bold.

- Be as bold as you like.
- Well, I feel, and I say this with respect,

you shouldn't get too involved
with this football club affair.

That is bold, isn't? It's
a constituency matter.

Better for me to be "bold" than
you to be stumped, Minister!

Very droll.

It's axiomatic in Whitehall that
even an MP, let alone a minister,

should never take part in
planning his constituency.

- Why not?
- Because of finely-balanced local issues.

You'll offend as many
constituents as you'll please.

It's especially dangerous if
there's a quango in the wings.

No. Issues aren't finely-balanced.
Everyone's on the same side,

except a few wet, long-haired
scruffy art lovers!

We'll take a look at your
diary for this morning.

Oh, fine.

10.15, Secretary General
of the Arts Council

10.45, Historic Monuments Association,
11.00, The National Trust.

11.15, Country Landowners Association,

11.30, Council for Protection
of Rural England...

- Rural England?
- There's quite a lot of it out there!

Why are all these people coming to see me?

The art gallery, Minister.

It's the arts and architecture mafia.

11.45, the Country Crafts
and Folklore Council.

Who are they?

The raffia mafia.

Influential people coming
out of the woodwork.

There'll be letters in The Times,

hostile articles in the Sundays,
you'll be called a vandal.

They'll orchestrate opposition
in your constituency.

Why did you put them in my diary

I didn't ask you to.
What were you thinking?

I was thinking of Sir Humphrey.
He asked me to.

I'm going to support this
excellent scheme, come what may.

As you will. May I just
have your approval for

this local government allowances amendment?

It's a statutory instrument
to go before the House.

As Minister for Local Government,

you need to authorise
that revised paragraph 5,

Number 2 regulation 1971 shall
come into operation on March 18th,

revoking regulation 7
of the local government

allowances amendment regulations 1954b.

What the hell's all that mean?

There is an explanatory note.

"These regulations make provision

for allowances to members
of local authorities.

Explanatory note, regulation 3

of the local government
allowances amendment 1971,

the 1971 regulations,

substituted regulation 3
of the 1954 regulations.

3 of local allowances
amendment regulations 1972,

the 1972 regulations, further made

amends regulation 3 of the 1954 regulations

by increasing the maximum
rates of attendance

and financial loss allowances."

- I haven't the faintest...
- "Regulation 7, 1982,

revoked both regulations 3 and
5 of the 1971 regulations,

regulation 5 being revoking
earlier spent regulations,

with effect from 1st April next.

Preserve regulations 3 and
5 of the 1971 regulations

by revoking regulation 7
of the 1972 regulations."

That's an explanatory note?

Yes, I think that's all quite clear.

Why must I listen to this
piddling gobbledegook?

I thought it would be an opportune
moment for you to ensure

that as a result of your
ministerial efforts,

local councillors will get
more for attending meetings.

- Oh, is that what it means?
- Yes.

Excellent. It is, as you say, opportune.

And may I make one further
small suggestion?

Be my guest.

Sir Humphrey had a word with
Sir Ian Whitworth last night.

- Ian Whitworth!
- The Corn Exchange is a listed building,

so one of his planning inspectors
will conduct the enquiry.

Sir Humphrey and Sir Ian will give
him some informal guidelines.

How do you mean, "Informal guidelines"?

Everyone has guidelines for their work.

I thought planning
inspectors were impartial?

Oh, really, Minister!

So they are. Railway
trains are impartial too.

But if you lay down the lines for
them, that's the way they go!

- But that's not fair!
- It's politics, Minister.

What has Sir Humphrey got
to do with politics?

He's a civil servant. I'm
the one in politics!

Yes, Minister, indeed you are!

How do they intend to put pressure
on this planning inspector?

Planning inspectors have
an independent hierarchy.

A vulnerable one is one
anxious for promotion.

How are planning inspectors
chosen for an enquiry

Could a minister interfere?

- Ministers are our lords and masters.
- Good.

The Parli Sec at the
Department of the Environment

is an old friend, Giles Freeman.

Well, if Mr Freeman could
arrange for an inspector

who didn't care about promotion,

If, for instance, he's about to retire,

he'll probably reach a verdict favouring

the community rather than the department.

Good! Get me Giles on the phone, would you?

His Private Secretary says he can meet you

in the lobby after the vote this evening.

Bernard, have you ever thought
of going into politics?

- Oh, no, Minister.
- Why not?

- I once looked it up in my thesaurus.
- What did it say?

Manipulation, intrigue, wire-pulling,
evasion, graft, rabble-rousing...

I'd prefer to leave that
to our lords and masters.

I don't think I have the
necessary qualities.

Don't underestimate yourself, Bernard!

Now it seems Hacker has
got at Giles Freeman,

the Parli Sec in my department,

Appointing a different planning
inspector to the one I chose

One who'd be sympathetic
to Hacker's scheme.

- This is rather worrying.
- Worrying? It's desperate!

There's now every danger
that the planning inspector

could make up his own mind!

There's likely to be huge
local support for the scheme.

But how can I help?

I hoped you'd have some ideas, Arnold.

Walt a minute! I've thought of something.

When the departmental
reorganisation occurs next week...

you could make Hacker Cabinet
Minister responsible for the arts!

- But isn't he a complete philistine?
- Yes.

But then the industry Secretary
is the idlest man in town.

The Education Secretary is illiterate!

The Employment Secretary is unemployable!

Quite. That's good thinking, Humphrey.

Hacker can hardly start out as
Cabinet Minister for the arts

by closing down an art gallery.

Exactly. But it's not a reshuffle, is it?

No, I simply meant reorganise.

Move the arts and telecommunications

into the purview of the DAA.

Arts and television together?

What have they got to do with each other?

They're complete opposites.

Wouldn't we be creating
a monster department?

You've already got local
government as well.

Arts and local government go well together.

How so?

Well, the art of jiggery-pokery!

You only just thought of
this here and now, did you?

- Yes, why?
- Bit of an artist yourself, aren't you?

Oh, Arnold!

- Anything more, Bernard?
- Sir Humphrey wants a word

before your meeting about Aston Wanderers.

But I'm unshakeable on that!

It's no good, Humphrey, my mind is made up.

You might be interested
in a new development

- You said it was just a reorganisation.
- Not just a reorganisation.

A reorganisation.

I'm delighted to tell you
that it has brought us,

brought you, new honour and importance.

In addition to existing responsibilities,

you will be Cabinet Minister
responsible for the arts.

I say, that's rather good, isn't it!

Hold on, how do you know before I do?

I just happened to be with
the Cabinet Secretary

shortly after the decision was taken.

I see.

Cabinet Minister with
responsibility for the arts!

- Well, well, well!
- Yes, indeed.

Anything more? I'm about
to start a meeting.

Oh, the meeting, yes.

I do hope you've considered
the implications

of your new appointment on the subject.

- Rescuing a football club?
- No, no.

I was wondering how it would look

if as Minister responsible for the arts,

your first act was to knock
down an art gallery.

It's quite a decent little art gallery...

- Exactly.
- Interesting building.

- Grade II listed.
- Minister, your meeting...

Oh, my God! What am I going to say?

- Councillors Wilkinson, Noble and Green.
- Brian, good to see you.

Pete... Doug.

Sir Humphrey Appleby,
my Permanent Secretary.

You mean he's only a temp!

It's going great. We've got all
the political parties with us

and the County Council.

All we need is your approval for using

the sale of the art gallery
as a loan to the club.

Well, I'm afraid there's a snag.

- You said there weren't any!
- Well, there is.

Well, it's just that... Well...

It appears... Well, it seems...

Well, I should say it has emerged...

Sir Humphrey can explain better than me.

It can't be done, gentlemen. Er,
the art gallery is... it's a trust.

- Terms of the original bequest.
- Yes, it's a trust.

We shall have to knock something else down!

School, church, hospital...
There's bound to be something!

I can't believe this. So I
have to tell people back home

you've gone back on your word?

It was your own idea! it's
not me, it's the law.

Why didn't you find out till now

Well...

Let me be absolutely frank with you.

It would be possible to push this through

- but it would take an awful long time.
- Ok, we've spent enough.

Trouble is, something else
would have to go by the board.

The thing that's taking
my time at the moment

is forcing through councillors' expenses

and attendance allowances.

I can't put my personal
weight behind both schemes.

Forget about the increased
allowances for councillors

and concentrate on the legal obstacles,
the sale of the art gallery.

- Tricky things, legal obstacles.
- And this is a particularly tricky one.

At the end of the day,
you might still fall.

- Every possibility.
- If that's the way it is...

there's a chance we might want to close

Edgehill primary at the end of the year...

That site would fetch a couple
of million, give or take.

Well, there it is, then.
No ill feelings to you.

Good. And you'll explain locally

that we can't overcome the legal obstacles?

'Course we will. Carry
on with the good work!

Oh, Minister, a work of art.

- If you'll excuse me, I have to dress.
- Another works' outing?

- Er, Humphrey...
- Minister?

As Cabinet Minister
responsible for the arts...

could I come too?

Yes, Minister!