All language subtitles for Yes Minister S03E04 - The Moral Dimension

We can't be accused
of wasting money?

- Absolutely.
- We are taking the smallest delegation?

- Absolutely. Pared to the bone.
- Who are all those people?

- Our delegation.
- You said it'd been pared to the bone.

- So it has.
- Who are they?

A small delegation from
the Foreign and Commonwealth Office.

- But this is a DAA mission.
- Yes, well, we are going abroad.

Foreign policy is at stake.

We're going to ratify a contract

for one of the biggest
export orders Britain's ever obtained.

That was negotiated
by British Electronic Systems.

Who are all these civil servants?

There's a delegation from Trade
and one from industry.

There's a group from Energy.
We are going to an oil sheikdom.

There's a Deputy Secretary leading
a team from the Cabinet Office.

There's a group from
the Central Office of Information,

and there's our DAA team.

Press secretaries, private secretaries,
liaison secretaries.

The legal department who did
the contract, those who supervised it.

- Pared to the bone?
- To the bone.

If we'd met in Middlesbrough,
we'd have only taken seven people.

Well, Teesside is perhaps not quite
so diplomatically significant as Kumran.

- Teesside returns four MPs.
- Kumran controls Shell and BP.

- What are you doling here?
- Purely my sense of duty-free.

Duty-free?

Er... duty, free from any personal
consideration.

- Look through this.
- What is it?

- It's the final communiqu�.
- The final?

You can't write it
before the meeting!

On the contrary, you can't write it
after the meeting.

We had to get agreement
from other departments,

the EEC, Washington,
the Kumrani Embassy.

You can't do that in the desert.

It may bear no relation
to what we say.

No communiqu� ever bears
any relation to what you say.

- Then why have one?
- It gets you past the press corps.

The journalists need to justly
their huge expenses for a futile non-event.

- Non-event?
- A brilliant triumph for you, Minister.

Which is why it's a futile non-event
for the press.

They'd like me to get drunk
at the reception.

Yes. Not much hope of that.
Kumran is dry.

Yeah. Well, of course,
It is in the middle of the desert.

- You mean... Islamic law
- Alas, yes.

We can get a drink
at the British Embassy?

Yes. But the reception
and the dinner are at the palace.

Five hours of orange juice.

Five hours?
Without a single drinky

Why did you let me come
on this trip?

What are we going to do?
Hip flasks?

No, much too risky.
We have to grin and bear it.

Why don't we set up
a security communications room

next door to the reception?

You know, emergency telephones,
telex lines to Downing Street.

Then we could fill it with booze
brought in from the Embassy.

- Minister!
- Liven up the orange juice!

That is a... stroke of genius!

- Could it be done?
- Such a room would need a major crisis.

Five hours on orange juice
is a major crisis.

- The pound is under pressure.
- Could you arrange it?

If those are your instructions,
I can guarantee enthusiastic support.

Most awfully generous of you

to present me
with this very splendid gift.

It is a great pleasure
to commemorate this day.

It's so beautiful!

A magnificent example
of 17th-century Islamic art.

- What was it originally?
- A rosewater jar.

- I see. For rosewater, presumably?
- Quite so.

There's an urgent call for you in
the communications room. A Mr Haig.

General Haig?

No, Mr. Haig.
You know, with the dimples.

Yes, yes. Do excuse me.
Most important.

- I believe there's a message from Mr Haig.
- Yes, Minister.

- I'm the only woman here.
- Special dispensation.

They've made you
an honorary man for the evening.

- This will look wonderful on our hall table.
- Mrs Hacker, I'm not sure if...

- If what?
- It's a gift to the minister.

It's his hall, too.

- I don't think you'll be allowed to keep it.
- Why ever not?

It could be thought, if it were valuable,
It could influence some ministers.

Not your minister, that is, my minister,
our minister. Your husband, as it were.

As it is, in fact. I mean, he is. I mean...
Well, some ministers...

- Bernard.
- Sorry.

- Are you saying we have to give it back?
- No, that'd be an insult.

- We can't give it back. What do I do?
- It becomes government property.

- It's put in a basement in Whitehall.
- You sure we can't keep it?

- Not if it's worth more than 50.
- How do we find out?

- You get a valuation.
- Could you get a valuation?

Wouldn't it be wonderful if it was less
than 50? Because it's awfully pretty.

Well, I...

- I suppose I could try.
- Oh, Bernard, you are wonderful!

What would we do without you?

Bernard.
Wanted in the communications room.

A Mr John Walker.

- Johnnie Walker?
- Yes, from the Scotch Office... Sorry.

- Scottish Office.
- Isn't there a message for me?

Yes, of course.

Bernard will get it for you
if you give him your glass. If you...

give him your glass, he'll get you
some more orange juice.

- Is Humphrey here yet?
- Yes, he's just over here.

Excuse me.

Excuse me.

- Minister.
- What on earth?

Traditional Foreign Office courtesy
to our Arab hosts, isn't that right?

Spot on, Humpy.
Isn't that right, Your Royal Highness?

Yes, we regard it as a warm
and gracious compliment.

May I present our minister?
This is Prince Mohammed.

- How do you do?
- Pleased to meet you, Your Excellency.

Excellency!
I say, if you'll excuse me,

I just must have a quick word
with Sir Humphrey.

I can't believe my eyes!
What are you here as? Ali Baba?

- Minister, when in Rome...
- We are not in Rome. You look ridiculous!

If we were in the Fiji Islands,
you'd wear a grass skirt!

The Foreign Office view,
as Arabs are sensitive,

is we should show them
whose side we're on.

It may come
as a surprise to them

but you're supposed to be
on our side!

- Bernard, any messages?
- Well, there is one for Sir Humphrey.

Oh, good.

The Soviet Embassy on the line.
Mr Smirnoff.

Sorry. So sorry.

Isn't there one for me?

There was a message from the Embassy,
the school, a delegation of Teachers.

Ah, I must go
and greet the Teachers...

before the Bells goes... bell goes!

You're receiving a great many
very urgent messages.

- Yes, yes, we are, aren't we?
- Excuse me.

Your Royal Highness,
could I present Mr Pennington?

- Excuse me.
- Yes, of course, Your Highness.

Excuse me,
but I could not help overhearing

your conversation
about valuing the gift.

- Perhaps I can help.
- That would be...

- Do you have any idea how much?
- Of course.

An original 17th-century rosewater jar
is very valuable.

- Oh, dear.
- You are not pleased?

Yes and no. If it's valuable,
the minister won't be allowed to keep it.

I was rather hoping it wasn't.

As I was saying,

an original 17th-century
rosewater jar is very valuable,

but this copy, though excellently done,
is not of the same order.

Oh, good. About how much?

I would be interested
to hear your guess.

Er... well, a little under... 50?

Brilliant! Quite a connoisseur!

And you would sign
a valuation certificate?

But of course.

- Your English customs are very strange.
- Oh, why?

You are so strict about a gift,

yet your electronics company pays
our finance minister a million dollars

to secure this contract.

Is this not strange?

- You... You don't mean...
- Of course.

I work for the minister.
I got my share.

- What for?
- For keeping my mouth shut.

I- I see. Would you excuse me
for a moment?

Minister, can I have a private word
with Sir Humphrey?

You may speak freely, Bernie.

Yes... Oh, there was a message for you
in the communications room.

- The VAT man, your 69 returns.
- What?

VAT69.

Yes... thanks.

I'm rapidly coming to the conclusion

that the minister has had

almost as many urgent
messages as he can take.

- I've found out the most terrible thing.
- Dear me.

This contract was obtained
by bribery.

Of course.

All contracts in Kumran
are obtained by bribery.

Everybody knows that.

It's all right,
as long as nobody knows.

- Shouldn't we tell the minister?
- Certainly not.

- But if everybody knows.
- Everybody else.

We do not let a minister know
what everybody else knows.

Highness, how very nice to see you.

Ah, Lawrence of Arabia, you're
wanted in the communications room.

Oh, good. Er, who is it?

Napoleon!

"It is alleged in Le Monde that
the recent British contract with Kumran

was won by bribery."

- Do you hear this, Humphrey?
- Yes, indeed.

"It's part of a hideous
web of corruption

woven by Western
Industrial countries

and Third World governments

that forms a blot
of our modern civilisation."

- Webs don't form blots, Minister.
- What?

Well, spiders don't have any ink,
you see.

Only cuttlefish.

- What are you talking about?
- I know...

- Thank you, Bernard.
- Isn't this terrible? Baseless accusations!

Oh, yes, yes, terrible.

Backsheesh, palm-greasing!
Good God, we're British!

Absolutely, Minister!

It's not like the FT
to print a story like this

unless there's something
behind it.

Is there something behind it,
Humphrey?

I think the sports news
is behind it.

- I want to know the truth, Humphrey.
- I don't think you do.

- Will you answer a direct question?
- I strongly advise you not to ask one.

- Why?
- It might provoke a direct answer.

It never has yet.

What do you know about this?
Tell me!

Oh, well, I... Er, that is...
there was. Someone did.

A lot of gossip, that's all.
Rumour, hearsay.

Bernard?

- One Kumrani did tell me he'd received...
- Hearsay, Minister.

- Hearsay?
- Yes, Bernard heard him say it.

Are you telling me that the contract
was won by bribery

I do wish you wouldn't use words
like bribery.

What would you like me to say?
Slush funds, brown envelopes?

These are extremely crude
and unworthy expressions

for what is no more
than creative negotiation.

It is general practice.

You do realise what you're saying?
I ratified that contract in good faith!

In that press communiqu�, I announced
a British success won in a fair fight!

Yes, I did wonder about that bit.

Now you're telling me
it was got by bribery.

- Oh, it was not got by bribery
- That is not what I said.

What did you say?

That I'm not telling you
it was got by bribery.

How would you describe
these payments?

How does the contract
describe them?

Oh, well, that's quite simple.

Retainers, personal donations,
special discounts.

Miscellaneous outgoings,
agents' fees,

political contributions,
management expenses.

How are these payments made?

Anything from a numbered
Swiss account

to a fistful of used oncers
slipped under the door of the gents'.

- Do you realise how shocking this is?
- That is a narrow and parochial view.

In other parts of the world,
they see things differently.

- Sin is not a branch of geography.
- But it is.

In developing countries, the size
of the extra contractual payment

shows how serious you are.

It's like a publisher's advance
to an author.

Whoever pays the biggest advance
expects the biggest sales.

I don't believe it!

Is corruption government policy?

No, no, Minister!
It could never be government policy!

That is unthinkable!
Only government practice.

That was the press office.

The papers want a statement
about the bribery allegation.

What am I going to say?

The press office can devise
something convincing and meaningless.

That's what they're paid for.

- You're a cynic, Humphrey.
- Cynic.

A cynic is what an idealist
calls a realist.

I'll tell the truth.
After all, I knew nothing of this.

Why should I back
something I never approved?

But this contract means
thousands of British jobs,

millions of export dollars!

Surely you won't throw all that away
because of a technical irregularly?

It's not a technical irregularly,
It is corruption!

No. Merely a few
subcontracted pre-payments.

I don't expect you to understand,

but government is not just
a question of fixing and manipulating.

- There is a moral dimension.
- Of, yes, of course, the moral dimension.

It is never out of my thoughts.

So if questions are asked in the press,
I shall announce an inquiry.

Splendid idea.
I shall be happy to conduct it.

No, no, no, no, no.

No, not an internal inquiry,
a real inquiry.

- You can't be serious!
- A real inquiry.

- I beg you...
- Humphrey... the moral dimension.

- Good evening, Mrs Hacker.
- Bernard, come in.

- Thank you.
- Is that you, Bernard?

- Yes, Minister.
- Shan't be a moment.

There's that jar from Kumran.

A friend of mine
was frightfully interested in it.

- Really?
- Jenny Goodwin from The Guardian.

- The Guardian?
- She asked where it came from.

- A journalist?
- Yes. Well, The Guardian, anyway.

- She asked what it was worth. I said 50.
- You said 50.

Funnily enough,
she thought it was genuine.

She thought It was genuine?

Bernard, you sound
like an answering machine.

Oh, I'm sorry.

She wanted to ring Kumran's Embassy
to ask what it was worth.

To ask what it was worth.

- So what did you say?
- I said, by all means.

It is only a copy, isn't it?

Well... so far as I'm...

so I'm lead to...
Good gracious, is that the time?

Sorry, the minister will be
a few minutes late.

I'll come back.

Actually, I wonder
if I could have a word.

Yes.

- I said yes.
- Yes, I know.

You see...

Something the matter, Bernard?

Come on, out with it.

Did you send the minister
to the wrong dinner?

Give him the wrong speech?

Show him some papers
we didn't mean him to see?

Worse?

Much worse?

Sit down.

Well... tell me about it.

You know that jar the minister
was given in Kumran?

Well, the minister's wife... liked it.

I expect she did.

Then, when I explained the rules to her,
she looked... terribly sad.

They always do.

She said wouldn't it be marvellous
if it wasn't worth more than 50

and she sort of... looked at me.

But, my dear Bernard,
a 17th-century vase!

Yes, I know, but there was
this terribly nice Kumrani businessman

and we had
a... a... a... conversation

and he valued it as a copy,
not as an original -49.95p.

- You believed him.
- He said he was an expert.

He spoke Arabic awfully well...

and so I accepted
his valuation in good faith.

After all, Islam is a jolly good faith.

You took a grave personal risk.

You're lucky
nobody's asked questions.

A journalist saw it
in the minister's house

and asked a lot of questions.

Mrs Hacker said it was a copy,
but the press are so...

horribly suspicious about things.

- Despicable!
- So... what shall I do?

The minister must be told.

Sorry to keep you.

That's all right.
Have you read my submission?

I did, and it won't do.

I won't be accused
of sweeping bribery under the carpet.

If questions are asked, I will announce
an independent inquiry chaired by a QC.

You can't!
That contract is worth 340 million!

Get thee behind me, Humphrey!
The moral dimension.

Minister, if there is an inquiry,
other things may come out, too.

Such as?

I'm afraid Bernard...
has something to tell you.

Well?

Well?

You know that jar
the Kumranis gave you?

Yes, it's at the flat now.
Most attractive.

I told Mrs Hacker she could keep it,
as it was valued for less than 50.

The value was awfully nice
and I told him Mrs Hacker liked it a lot,

but he may have been just,
well, being helpful.

It's all right, Bernard.

No one will ever know.
Jolly enterprising of you.

Mrs Hacker told me a journalist
was asking questions.

- Journalist?
- Can I just see that valuation?

The Treasury isn't too happy

about valuations written
on the backs of menus.

It is a very good menu.

What is it worth?

If it's a copy,
what the valuation says.

And if it's... genuine?

About 5,000.

Oh, my God, I kept it!

Bill from the press office
wants to talk to you.

I'm trying to deal with this problem
you've landed me with!

That's what he wants
to talk to you about.

Well?

The Foreign and Commonwealth
Office is in a frightful state.

Mrs Hacker has told The Guardian
that valuable 17th-century thing

presented to you by Kumran
was a copy.

The Guardian phoned the Kumrani
Embassy for their comments.

The Kumran government are incensed
at the suggestion they insulted Britain

by giving you a worthless gift.

It's the biggest diplomatic incident
since "Death of a Princess".

There's a reporter from The Guardian
demanding to see you right away.

Yes, Bernard?

- Minister... what are you...
- Bernard, my duty is clear.

- I have no choice.
- No choice?

No choice.
I didn't ask you to lie to my wife

about the value of that gift.

No, but...

I realise you acted
from the purest motives.

But there can be no excuse
for falsifying a document.

- But I...
- Let me continue.

I cannot have it said
that I asked you to do this.

No more can I have it said that
I connived at bribery and corruption.

Enough is enough.

If this journalist asks me
straight questions

on either of these subjects...

I shall have to give her
straight answers.

The moral dimension.

Minister, I agree with you.

I see now that there is
a moral dimension to everything.

Will you tell the press about
the communications room or shall I?

What?

You know, all the Scotch in Kumran.

You mean to tell me that...
If I say...

then you will... tell...

and drop me in the...

in the moral dimension.

This is different!

- It's not the same thing!
- Why?

- Drinking, it's not corruption.
- No, it's just deceit.

- Deceit?
- We have deceived the Kumranis.

I'm racked with guilt.

Tormented by the knowledge

that we violated their sacred
Islamic law in their own country.

Sooner or later, we'll have to own up
and admit that it was all your idea.

- It wasn't!
- It was!

It wasn't... was it?

Is it 50 lashes or 100?

I must ask you
to meet this journalist.

Oh, yes, all right.
What am I going to say?

I suggest attack
is the best form of defence.

Attack, attack, yes. Good thinking,
Humphrey. Yes, got it.

Miss Jenny Goodwin
from The Guardian.

Do come in. Sit down, Jenny.
I may call you Jenny, may I not?

- If you like.
- Now, what seems to be the trouble?

Two things. Both of them
rather worrying to the public.

The first is a story
that was in the French press.

It's about corruption in BES,
getting the Kumrani contract.

Complete nonsense!

They quoted reports
of payments to officials.

Really, this is absolutely typical.

A British company slogs its guts out
to win orders, create jobs!

What does it get from the media?
A smear campaign!

If they won by bribery...

There was no bribery.
I had a full inquiry.

All these payments
have been identified.

What as?

Commission fees,
administrative overheads.

Operative costs,
managerial surcharges.

Expenses,
miscellaneous outgoings.

We have looked
into every brown envelope...

every...

every account book and
everything is completely in order.

- I see.
- May I say one thing?

Allegations of this nature are
symptomatic of a very sick society

for which the media
shares the blame!

The media?

Why are you putting
thousands of jobs at risk?

I'll call on the Press Council
to censure the press

for its lack of professionalism
in running this story.

The Council and the House
of Commons must be concerned

about the standards which have
applied in this disgraceful matter.

Pressure will be brought
to bear to make sure

that this gutter press reporting
is not repeated.

I see.

Well, there is this other question.

It's about the rosewater jar

apparently presented to you
in Kumran.

- Yes?
- I saw it in your flat, actually.

- Yes, we're keeping it there, temporally.
- Temporally?

- Yes, it's very valuable.
- Mrs Hacker said it was an imitation.

Burglars, girl, burglars!

And you've gossip!
That's until we can get rid of it.

Get rid of it?

I'll present it
to our local museum this weekend.

I can't hold onto it, you know.
It's government property.

Now... what was your question?

No... er... that's all right, actually.

Um... I... No, no, no, that's fine.

- Nothing more?
- No, no, that's all.

Well, good of you to drop in.

- Thank you, Minister.
- Goodbye, Jenny.

Superb, Minister.

- Thank you, Minister.
- Oh, well, it was nothing.

We must stick by one's friends,
eh, Humphrey? Eh, Bernard?

Loyalty.

Yes, Minister.