Original subtitles

Bernard. Minister not in yet?

He's in his office, having a meeting.

What about?

Nothing very important.

I see.

And what was that meeting in there yesterday?

He was just reviewing procedures for briefing him

on answers to Parliamentary questions.

But there were Principals present and other assorted underlings.

Just the ones who supply him with the information, actually.

Bernard, this has to be stopped at once.

Why?

If he talks to the underlings, he may learn things we don't know.

- Our position could be undermined. - If it increases our knowledge...

It is folly if it's at the expense of your authority.

Why?

Bernard, please stop saying why.

Why?

I mean, could you develop that point please?

Would you say that the Minister is starting to run the Department?

Yes, things are going pretty well, actually.

No, when a Minister actually starts to run his Department

things are not going pretty well.

They are actually going pretty badly.

But actually... er... I mean, in fact,

isn't it the Minister's job to run the Department?

No, Bernard, it is our job.

Or to be more precise, it is my job,

for which I've had 25 years experience and training.

Don't you realise what would happen if the Minister runs it?

No, what?

First, there would be chaos, naturally.

And second, which is much more serious,

there would be innovations.

Changes, Bernard.

Public debate. Outside scrutiny.

Is that what you want?

Good heavens, no. But what should he do then?

A Minister has three functions.

First, as an advocate,

making the Department's actions seem plausible

to Parliament and public, he is our public relations man.

Second, he is our man in Westminster,

steering our legislation through Parliament.

And third, he is our breadwinner.

He has to fight in Cabinet for the money we need

to run our Department.

But, he is not here to review departmental procedures

with Principals and Assistant Secretaries.

- But if he's go the time. - Why has he got the time?

He shouldn't. That's your fault, Bernard!

You must ensure he hasn't got the time.

Create activity, Bernard!

He should be making speeches, visits.

We need deputations, junkets abroad,

mountains of red boxes, we need crises, emergencies, panics!

- Pull yourself together, Bernard. - Yes, but...

- You leave spaces in his diary? - No, he makes those.

- Fill them up. - He won't let me.

Don't ask him. Do it.

Make sure he spends more time where he can't do any damage.

- But where? - The House of Commons, for instance.

I really do try my best. There's a deputation in there.

What is it about, Bernard?

Something completely trivial, preserving badgers in Warwickshire.

Well done, Bernard.

Why didn't you tell me this when I asked you before?

Actually, I thought it was rather trivial.

I didn't think you would approve, actually.

Bernard.

I'll try and find some more threatened species then, shall I?

You may not have to look very far.

Secretaries who can't occupy their Ministers are a threatened species,

actually.

We have a sacred trust to preserve our natural heritage.

That's what this new legislation is designed to ensure.

As I said in the House, the system simply isn't working.

It's a hotch-potch.

Local authorities, tourist authorities,

national parks, countryside commission, C.P.R.E.

Nobody knows where they are, nothing gets done.

They're all back biting and buck passing.

You know what committees are like.

We are a committee.

Yes. I didn't mean your sort of committee.

But this new legislation is designed to create clear authority,

and save a great deal of public money.

- You ought to welcome it. - But what about Hayward's Spinney?

A few very small areas will lose their specially protected status,

because it isn't economical any longer,

to maintain them as they ought to.

Hayward's Spinney is a vital part of our heritage.

The badgers have dwelt there for generations.

- Can you be sure of that? - It said so in The Guardian.

Ah, well...

Actually it says that the badgers have dwelt there for generations!

How would you feel if you had

a lot of office blocks built over your garden

by a lot of giant badgers?

But a lot of office blocks... giant badgers?

There's nothing special about man, Mr. Hacker.

We're not above nature. We're all a part of it.

Men are animals too, you know.

Yes, I've just come from the House of Commons.

Sorry, Minister, you are due for your next appointment.

Oh, what a pity.

Thank you for putting your case so persuasively.

It's been a pleasure.

Left at the corridor and down the stairs.

But what will you do about it?

All views will be taken into consideration.

Now if you'll excuse me...

Very polished performance. Gracious.

And said nothing. Very professional.

- Why wasn't I warned? - About what?

That unifying the administration

would remove protected status from this beaver whatsit?

Badger colony. Hayward's Spinney, East Warwickshire.

Somebody must have know about it.

If somebody did happen to know,

they wouldn't necessarily know that you wanted to know

what they happened to know, in case...

- Ah! Sir Humphrey! - Humphrey!

Good morning, Minister.

Is it your job to help Ministers make fools of themselves?

I have never met one that needed any help.

No, it is the last thing...

Why did you encourage me to say that unifying the administration

meant no loss of amenity, when I've signed a death warrant

for a whole army of beavers?

- Badgers, Minister. - What?

Beavers would have a navy.

- Why did you let me do it? - I did not encourage you to say that.

You did! The Department prepared this.

- "No loss of amenity", it says. - No.

- "No significant loss of amenity". - Same thing.

There's all the difference in the world.

Almost anything can be attacked as a "loss of amenity",

and be defended as "not a significant loss of amenity".

One should appreciate the significance of "significant".

Well, be that as it may,

any publicity would be very damaging.

Oh, I think not.

But if there is a loss of amenity...

If you'd approve this release, you would see

that it does counter all their arguments.

It points out that the spinney is deregistered, not threatened.

Badgers are very plentiful all over Warwickshire.

And it points out the connection

between Badgers and brucellosis.

"Cannot be regarded as a significant loss of amenity".

So this might not get into the National Press?

A few lines on The Guardian. Nothing to worry about.

Only the urban middle class worry about

the preservation of the countryside, because they don't live in it.

- Would that be all, Minister? - Yes!

No, this may well blow over,

but it doesn't answer my basic question.

- Which was? - Why wasn't I told about it?

There are those who have argued and indeed cogently

that on occasion there are some things

it is better for a Minister not to know.

What are you talking about?

Minister, your answers in the House

and at the Press Conference were superb.

You were convincing. The critics were silenced.

But could you have spoken with the same authority

if the ecological pressure group had been badgering you?

But I have a right to know! I am the people's representative!

What right have you got to withhold this information?

- It's in your own best interests. - What do you mean?

It's outrageous! It must not occur again.

I've a plan for the reorganising of this Department

which would ensure that it doesn't.

- Indeed? - Yes, indeed.

If I had one Under Secretary

and two Assistant Secretaries reporting to me...

- Minister. Please! - Let me tell you my plan.

The plan is immaterial.

Minister, I have something to say to you

which you may not like to hear.

Why should today be any different?

Minister, the traditional allocation of executive responsibilities

has always been so determined as to liberate

the ministerial incumbent from the administrative minutiae

by devolving the managerial functions

to those whose qualifications have better formed them

for the performance of such humble offices, thereby releasing

their political overlords for the more onerous duties

and deliberations which are the inevitable concomitant

of their exalted position.

What made you think I wouldn't want to hear that?

I thought it might upset you.

How could it? I didn't understand a single word.

For once in your life, put it into plain English.

If you insist.

You are not here to run this Department.

I beg your pardon?

You are not here to run this Department.

I think I am. The people think I am, too.

With respect Minister, you are... they are wrong.

And who does run this Department?

I do.

Oh, I see...

- What am I supposed to do? - We've been through all this.

Make policy.

Get legislation enacted.

And above all secure the Department's budget in Cabinet.

It seems the budget is all you care about.

It is rather important.

We might end up with a department so small

that even a Minister could run it.

Are we to have a disagreement about the nature of democracy?

No, Minister, merely a demarcation dispute.

What I mean is that the menial chore

of running a department is beneath you.

You're fashioned for a nobler calling.

Well, I leave the routine paperwork to you

but I must insist on direct access to all information.

Never again "There are some things

it is better for a Minister not to know".

- Well, Minister... - That is an order, Humphrey!

As you say, Minister. If that is what you really want.

It's treating Cabinet Ministers as if they were ten year olds.

Afternoon.

- Finished with The Guardian? - Yes.

I haven't got the Socialist Worker for you.

Daddy's pleased to see you down for breakfast?

- He hasn't seen you for a while... - I was having a lie-in.

Better than a sit-in, I suppose.

Why were you so late last night?

There are some things it's better for a father not to know.

Don't you start!

- What? - Nothing, nothing.

I was out with the Trots.

Gosh...

Are you going to see a doctor?

The Trotskyites!

Oh, a Trotskyite now are you?

No. Peter is.

Peter?

Yes, Peter.

You've only met him about 15 times.

Oh, is he the one with the... and the...

Yes.

- Jim, I need your help today. - What with?

Shopping, the kitchen plughole's blocked, the lawn needs mowing.

- I've got all these boxes to do. - They can wait.

Annie, I am a Cabinet Minister.

A member of Her Majesty's Government.

It's a fairly important job.

But you have 23,000 civil servants to help you, I haven't.

Play with your memos later, the drains need fixing now.

Oh, Lucy!

You've got marmalade all over my cabinet papers.

Oh, God.

Now I've got butter on them. Get a cloth.

- Get it yourself. - Lucy.

You're not in Whitehall now.

"Yes, Minister", "Certainly", "Just as you say".

"May I lick your boots, Minister?"

That's not fair.

Those Civil Servants may be always kowtowing to Daddy,

but they never take any notice of him.

I've just won a victory in my Department.

Look at all those boxes.

That's what I mean.

You were better, now they've done a snow job on you again.

- Not at all, I asked for all this. - Why?

Humphrey said, "There are some things

it's better for a Minister not to know".

He's withholding things from me, probably important things.

So I have insisted that I am told everything that goes on.

How did you get to be a Cabinet Minister?

You're such a clot.

- What? - Don't you see?

You've played right into Humphrey's hands.

An open invitation to swamp you with useless information.

I don't think so.

What's in that box, for instance?

Technical reports, feasibility studies,

past papers of assorted committees,

stationery requisitions...

Oh, damnation.

You can't win. It's Catch 22, isn't it?

So little information you don't know the facts,

or so much you can't find them.

They've got you going and coming.

- There's a story about you here. - I've read it.

- "Hacker, The Badger Butcher". - Daddy's read it.

- What's all this then? - Lot of rubbish.

"Hacker admitted that removing protected status

from Hayward's Spinney mean the end of the badger colony".

"A spokesman for the Preservation of British Wildlife said:

"Hacker has signed the badger's death warrant".

One: I am not a babgerb... badger butcher...

Whatever it is.

Two: Badgers are not an endangered species.

Three: The removal of protected status

does not mean all the badgers will be shot.

And four: If a few badgers die for the sake

of a master plan that will save Britain's natural heritage, tough.

A master plan, mein F�hrer.

- The end justifies the means? - Lucy...

It's because badgers can't vote.

If badgers had votes, you wouldn't be exterminating them.

You'd be at Hayward's Spinney, shaking paws, and kissing cubs...

Ingratiating yourself the way you always do.

- Not a nice thing to say. - It's true, isn't it?

Yes, but Daddy's in politics. He has to be ingratiating.

- Thank you very much. - It's got to be stopped.

- The decision has been taken. - I'm going to stop it.

Quite simple, get yourself adopted as a candidate,

win a general election, serve on the back benches,

become a Minister and repeal the act.

The badgers might be getting on a bit by then.

Assistant Secretaries reporting to the Minister!

I know.

Does he think he is a civil servant?

The arrogance of these politicians!

Ah, Bernard.

Thank you.

Yes.

Yes.

Yes.

Yes.

Yes.

Fine.

You can show that last one to the Minister.

He'll be quiet for a bit.

Is something the matter?

Well, it's just that...

I've been increasingly worried about

keeping things back from the Minister.

- Shall I... - No, no, no.

What do you mean?

Why shouldn't he be allowed to know things if he wants to?

Silly Boy!

Bernard, this country is governed by Ministers making decisions

from the various alternative proposals

- that we offer them, is it not? - Oh, yes.

Well...

If they had all the facts,

they'd see all sorts of other possibilities.

They might even formulate their own plans

instead of choosing between the ones that we put up.

- Would that matter? - Would it matter!

But why?

As long as we can formulate our own proposals, we can

guide them to the correct decision.

Can we? How?

It's like a conjuror.

The Three Card Trick.

"Take any card", they pick the one that you intend.

Ours is the four word trick.

There are four words if you want a Minister to accept a proposal.

Quick. Simple. Popular. Cheap.

And there are four words for a proposal

if you want it thrown out.

Complicated. Lengthy. Expensive. Controversial.

And to be really sure the Minister doesn't accept it,

you say the decision is courageous.

Worse than "controversial".

"Controversial" means "this'll lose your votes".

"Courageous" means "this will lose you the election".

You see, if they have all the facts instead of just the options

they might start thinking for themselves!

- And the system works? - Works?

It's made Britain what she is today.

Oh, yes. I see. Yes.

- What about your man? - I'm giving him plenty to read.

Shouldn't you show him

the positive virtues of being kept ignorant?

If he doesn't know that after 20 years as a politician...

- You look worried, Bernard. - I've just found this letter.

I don't know if I should open it.

You know the rules.

Private secretaries shall open all classifications up to Top Secret.

Only letters marked "personal" shall remain unopened,

unless the Minister orders otherwise.

What about Daddy?

Where does your father come into this?

No. To "Daddy". "Urgent".

- Does it say "Personal"? - No.

Well then, it must be opened.

- It's from the Minister's daughter. - You astound me.

Trouble at the mill.

Miss Hacker will join the badger protest.

- I thought it was over. - She and her boyfriend.

A 24 hour "Save the badgers" vigil in Hayward's Spinney

unless protection is restored.

And they announcing it to the press at 5.00 p.m.

"Minister's daughter in badger protest vigil".

A little embarrassing, but not too serious.

The Minister will be more than a little embarrassed.

"Minister's daughter in nude badger protest vigil".

What!

Miss Hacker and her boyfriend will be...

that is, will not not be... I mean...

- Do you mean starkers, Bernard? - Yes, Sir Humphrey.

- A different complexion on it. - Especially in this weather.

Put in crude journalistic terms, this makes it a big story.

Front page: with photograph.

Hello, Humphrey.

Something the matter?

Well?

Shall we say a slight embarrassment, Minister?

How slight?

Without wishing in any sense to overstate the case

or cause undue alarm, nevertheless, the fact remains...

Come on! Out with it.

- I have a confession to make. - That's a change.

Well, come on, Humphrey, make a clean breast of it.

Not the happiest of phrases under the circumstances.

How do you mean?

I have to confess that the badgers

may be a somewhat bigger story than we thought.

Don't tell me they're going to have kittens.

It is not the badgers who are going to have kittens.

There'll be a 24 hour protest vigil in Hayward's Spinney.

- That wouldn't be newsworthy. - This is slightly different.

It's to be conducted...

by a girl student and her boyfriend.

- Just the two of them? - Yes.

They don't matter. A pair of layabouts.

- They might matter to some people. - Nonsense.

These students are just exhibitionists.

In this case they have something to exhibit.

- How do you mean? - It's to be a nude protest vigil.

I see.

- That would make the front pages! - Yes, quite so.

The press just mustn't find out.

I don't know what gets into these students.

- It's appalling. They're shameless. - Indeed, Minister.

It's their parents.

They don't bring them up properly.

Just let them run wild and feed them

all this anti establishment nonsense.

Perhaps it isn't entirely the parents fault.

Of course it is!

Authority, Humphrey.

All this is an indictment

of their parent's lack of discipline.

So they just take it out on innocent people like me.

- Who are they? - We know the young lady's name.

Lady! Who is she?

It seems she's a Miss Hacker.

Hacker... oh, that's my name.

That's a coincidence.

Not a complete coincidence.

Not... not Lucy?

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God!

She will be telephoning in ten minutes time.

Perhaps the press won't be all that interested? No, no...

But will they go all the way up to Warwickshire?

For a story like this,

they'll go all the way to the South Pole.

This story must be killed. Advise me, Humphrey.

What about a little parental discipline?

Don't be silly.

- Make her listen to reason. - She's a sociology student.

Perhaps Mrs. Hacker could lock her in her room?

Annie's out at work. What about the police?

"Minister sets police on nude daughter".

I'm not sure that completely kills the story.

- There must be something. - Perhaps if I look at the files...

My daughter's about to get page one of the Sun,

and probably page three, and you just think of the files.

- Nevertheless... - They're all out there.

- What angle they'll take? - Wide angle.

Opposition will have fun with this.

"Does the proud father wish to make a statement?".

"Is the Hacker family getting too much exposure?".

"Is the Minister trying to conduct a coverup?".

"Does he run his Department better than his family?".

You'd like me to tell them that Humphrey runs it?

No, of course not. I am your Private Secretary.

Do you mean that when the chips are down,

you're on my side, not Humphrey's?

Minister, it's my job to see the chips stay up.

Hello?

Can I speak to Mr. Hacker? It's his daughter.

It's for you, Minister.

Lucy. Hello, darling.

- Hello, Daddy. - I got your note.

For a moment I thought it was serious.

It is serious. It's deadly serious.

Pete and I are just going to ring the press,

then we're off to the Spinney.

Don't do that! Think of the damage.

What damage?

Well... to me.

To you? Isn't that typical?

What about damage to badgers?

You're not going to be exterminated.

Well, in a sense, yes.

Then you know what to do.

- Ten... - Look... Look...

- Nine... - Lucy, don't...

- Eight... - Lucy!

If I could have a word with the young lady.

Sir Humphrey Appleby wants a word with you.

- A new development. - Six... five...

Miss Hacker... Ah, how do you do?

Humphrey Appleby here.

- Mr. Hacker's Permanent Secretary. - Five and holding.

If I could just have a word.

I have just seen the latest report from the Government's inspectors,

which throws new light on the issue.

Why?

Apparently there is no badger colony in Spinney.

Now, it says here

"Last evidence of badger droppings, freshly turned earth

was recorded eleven years ago".

But the papers...

Apparently the story was fed to them by a property developer.

- Property developer? - Yes. The Council has plans

to use the spinney for a new College of Further Education,

and the developer wants it for offices and luxury flats.

Well, if it's protected he won't be able to.

And, nor will the Council.

And he knows they'll use the money for something else,

then he can establish that there's no badger colony,

get the protection order removed and build his offices.

It's common practice.

So there isn't any wildlife in the spinney at all?

Well, there is some. It's been used as a rubbish dump

by people from Wootton Wawen, so there're lots of rats.

- Rats? - Yes. Several thousand, actually.

They are wildlife too, in their way, aren't they?

It would be a pity to play into the developer's hands.

Yes, I suppose it would.

Yes, I very much respect your views and your commitment.

Would you like to speak to the Minister?

No, that's all right. Oh, well. Forget it then.

Humphrey! I take it all back!

It was nothing, Minister. It was all in the files.

A property developer!

The cunning devils... Let me look at the file!

I don't think you'd find them interesting.

- Let me have a look. - No, I don't think you'd...

Humphrey!

It was true, wasn't it?

Was there one word of truth in that whole story

you told to Lucy?

Do you really want me to answer that question?

No.

- I don't think I do. - Quite so.

Perhaps there are some things it is better for a Minister not to know.