Original subtitles

"Notwithstanding the provisions of subsection 3, section A,

clause 214 of the Administrative Procedures Scotland Act 1978,

insofar as the implementation of the statutory provisions is concerned,

the resolution of anomalies as between departments

shall fall within the purview of the Minister for Administrative Affairs".

What does it mean?

- I'm sorry? - What does it mean?

Oh, er, well, Minister,

it means "notwithstanding the provisions of..."

I've just read it to you. What does it mean?

What it says, Minister. May I remind you,

you are seeing a deputation from the TUC in 15 minutes,

from the CBI after that, and from the NEB at 12 noon.

What do they all want?

- They're all worried about machinery. - Machinery?

Yes, for inflation, deflation and reflation.

What do they think I am,

a Minister of the Crown Or a bicycle pump?

When am I going to do all this correspondence?

You do realise you don't actually have to.

- Don't I? - We can draft an official reply.

What's that?

"The Minister thanks you for the letter".

Then we say: "The matter is under consideration".

Or even, if we feel so inclined, "under active consideration".

What's the difference?

"Under consideration" means we've lost the file,

"Under active consideration" means we're trying to find it.

You just transfer all the letters to your Out Tray,

put a note if you wish to see the reply

and if you don't, you never see it again.

If I transfer everything from here to here, without even reading it,

- that's all I have to do? - Yes.

- It will be dealt with? - Precisely.

- Properly? - Immaculately.

What's the Minister here for then?

Er... to make policy decisions, Minister.

When you've decided the policy, we can carry it out.

How often are policy decisions needed?

From time to time.

Bernard, this government is here to govern.

Not merely preside like our predecessors did.

When a country is going downhill, it's time for someone

to get into the driving seat, put his foot on the accelerator.

I think you mean the brake.

- Ah, Humphrey. - A moment of your time, Minister.

"The official visit to the UK of the President of Buranda".

Where's Buranda?

- Africa. - I've never heard of it.

Yes, it's fairly new, Minister.

It used to be called British Equatorial Africa.

It's the red bit on the left hand side, below the Mediterranean.

Oh, there! But why's this come to us?

- This is for the Foreign Office. - There are administrative problems.

Her Majesty's due to be up at Balmoral,

so she'll have to come to London.

State visits are arranged years in advance.

This isn't a state visit, it's a Head of Government visit.

The President of Buranda is Head of State.

But he's also Head of Government.

But if he's coming as Head of Government,

why does the Queen have to see him?

Because she's the Head of State, Minister.

The Head of State must greet a Head of State,

even if he's not here as Head of State.

It's all a matter of hats.

- Hats? - Yes.

He's coming wearing his Head of Government hat.

He is the Head of State,

but he's not wearing his Head of State hat,

but even though he's wearing his Head of Government hat,

he must still be met by the Crown.

Why are we having an official visit from

this tin pot little African country?

I beg of you not to refer to it as a tin pot little African country.

- It's an L.D.C. - What?

Buranda is an Under- developed Country.

However, this term was regarded as offensive...

so they became known as Developing Countries

and then as Less Developed Countries or L.D.C.'s.

We are now ready to replace the term L.D.C. With H.R.R.C.

What's that?

- Human Resource Rich Countries. - Which means?

They're grossly overpopulated and begging for money.

And Buranda is an H.R.R.C?

No, Minister.

Is it one of the "have" or "have not" nations?

We don't use that term any longer.

But if we did, Buranda would be a "will have" nation.

Will have a huge amount of oil in a couple of years from now.

Oh, I see.

Why didn't you say so at first?

- It's not a T.P.L.A.C. At all. - T.P.L.A.C?

Tin Pot Little African Country.

No, Minister.

Oil. I've got a marvellous idea.

The Queen doesn't have to come down from Balmoral.

Are you proposing that they should exchange

official greetings over the telephone?

No. No. No. No.

You'd like them to shout rather loudly?

No. The visit shall take place in Scotland.

- At Holyrood Palace. - Out of the question.

- Why? - It's not our decision.

- It's a Foreign Office matter. - I don't think so.

"Notwithstanding the provisions of subsection 3 blah blah...

it is proposed blah...

the resolution of anomalies shall fall within the purview

of the Minister for Administrative Affairs.

It's brilliant.

We save the Queen a pointless journey,

and there are three Scottish by-elections coming up soon.

We'll hold them after the visit.

We do not hold Head of Government visits

for party political reasons, but for reasons of State.

My plan shows that Scotland is an equal partner in the UK.

She is Queen of Scotland too.

And it is full of marginal constit... depressed areas.

I hardly think that we can exploit our Sovereign

by involving her in what some might call

a squalid vote grubbing exercise.

- You want a better reason, right? - Indeed we do.

Then tell me why he's coming.

For exchange of views on matters of mutual interest.

- Now tell me why he's coming. - Off shore drilling equipment.

We're hoping he's going to place a huge order with us.

And where is he going to see all this offshore equipment?

Aberdeen. Clydeside.

How many oil rigs have you got in Haslemere?

- But the administrative problems - That's why we are here.

- But Scotland's so remote... - Not all that remote.

It's that pink bit about two feet above Potter's Bar.

Very droll, Minister.

So, it's going to be Scotland.

That is my policy decision.

That's what I'm here for, right Bernard?

Right Humphrey? Good, thank you.

What's he got against the idea?

Sir Humphrey likes going to Foreign Embassies,

with his white tie, tails, medals.

It will all be on a much smaller scale in Scotland.

No room for Humphrey?

Only for the Permanent Secretary there.

Has Sir Humphrey got lots of um...?

Yes one or two, Minister.

And he's been recommended for the K.B.E.

How do you know?

I thought honours were a closely guarded secret.

- More coffee, Jumbo? - Thank you, Humpy.

Any luck with the Foreign Secretary about this Scottish nonsense?

"Fraid not. Can't budge him. Your Minister nobbled him first.

No chance of getting it back to London?

No, I'm afraid the Cabinet are utterly united.

All these marginal seats, d'you see?

Shameful.

- Political. - Typical.

Inevitable.

And so blatant.

Issuing writs for three Scottish by-elections to poll

on the day after the visit.

Can you imagine Harold MacMillan doing a thing like that?

Yes.

Yes, so can I, actually.

Now, about the arrangements for Scotland.

The reception I mean. Do we know who's going?

Yes. I'm afraid the Burandan Consulate in Edinburgh

is rather a hutch.

I shall have to carry the flag for the Civil Service all by myself.

Oh really?

Well, you have my sympathy.

God knows what they'll be serving up for the Scots and Burandans.

Haggis in missionary sauce, I shouldn't wonder.

Actually, between ourselves, the visit will probably never happen.

- Never happen? Why? - Rumblings in the interior.

Oh dear... Oh, I see what you mean.

- From our man in Mungo ville. - Isn't that rather serious?

Buranda's a friendly country with a Commonwealth connection.

Our information is it's likely to turn into a hostile L.D.C.

With a Cuban connection.

- What will the Government do? - The same as always...

Damn all!

We are just getting reports of a coup d'etat in Buranda,

the West African State, formerly British Equatorial Africa.

It is reported that the Commander in Chief

Colonel Selim Mohammed has been declared President.

It is not known what's happened to President Alam,

who was due to pay an official visit to Britain next week.

There is still no sign of agreement...

Did you see that? Get me the Foreign Secretary.

Shall we scramble?

No, it's not secret, it's on the news.

Martin.

- What's all this about Buranda? - What's all what?

There's been a coup d'etat.

How do you know?

It was on the news. Didn't you see?

You're Foreign Secretary!

My TV set's on the blink.

Your TV set? Don't you get telegrams?

No, they come in later. I get all the foreign news from TV.

You're joking... aren't you?

No.

We've got to make sure this official visit still happens.

How can we? Who's the new President?

We must find out. And make sure he comes.

- There are three by-elections. - I know that.

Let me know if you hear...

No, you let me know. You're the one with the telly.

- You've heard the sad news? - Yes, disaster.

No. No. No. No, just a slight inconvenience.

The wheels are in motion, it's really simple

to cancel the arrangements for the visit.

- You'll do no such thing. - We have no choice.

We are reissuing the invitation for the new President.

But, we haven't recognised his government.

The wheels are in motion.

- But who is he? - Mohammed something.

We know nothing about him. What's he like?

We're not putting him up for the Athenaeum.

Minister.

Buranda is in total confusion.

We don't know who is behind him.

Whether he's Soviet backed,

or just a Burandan with an eye for the main chance.

We cannot take diplomatic risks.

- The Government has no choice. - But Her Majesty...

Her Majesty will cope. She always does.

But who is he?

He might not be properly brought up.

He might be rude to her.

He might take liberties.

He will be photographed with Her Majesty

and what if he turns out to be another Idi Amin.

The repercussions are too hideous to contemplate.

- We'll find out about him. - We can't.

All that we know is that he's an enigma.

Humphrey, I don't care for that word.

Enigma?

And there are reasons of State which make this visit essential.

Buranda is enormously rich.

It needs oil rigs and we have idle shipyards on the Clyde.

Buranda is essential to our African policy.

The Government doesn't have African policy.

Well, it has now.

And if he is Marxist backed,

who better to win him over to our side than her Majesty?

Moreover, it is an important state occasion for Scotland.

Not to mention three marginal by-elections.

Not to mention... It has nothing to do with it!

Of course not.

Yes? It's the Foreign Secretary.

Martin? Yes? Yes?

The visit's on.

Oh, splendid.

The new President of Buranda intends

to visit this country, as previously agreed.

So, the Foreign Office is getting the facts at last?

Well, not exactly.

Martin's driver heard a newsflash on his car radio.

So, the visit's on.

That is my recommendation to the PM.

Another policy decision, Bernard.

Quite a lot of them after all, aren't they?

Burandan Airways! They are doing well.

- How many planes do they have? - None.

What about that one?

That one was chartered last week and repainted specially.

Actually, there's one 747 that belonged to

9 different African airlines in one month.

They called it the Mumbo Jumbo.

- When does my plane leave? - I've booked you on the sleeper.

- You'll be at the House tonight. - Oh, lord.

And now we are about to catch our first glimpse

of President Selim Mohammed of Buranda.

I know him! That's Charlie.

- Charlie? - We were at L.S. E. Together.

He's not Selim Mohammed, he's Charles Umtali.

Are you sure?

You don't forget a name like Charlie Umtali.

- Have we anything on this? - In the brief it stated

that Colonel Selim Mohammed was converted to Islam.

We didn't know his previous name nor his background.

He's a red hot political economist.

Wiped the floor with everyone.

- That's all right then. - Why?

He'll know how to behave if he went to an English University.

Even if it was the L.S.E.

You said red hot, were you speaking politically?

Partly. You never know with Charlie.

He follows you into a revolving door and comes out first.

No deep commitment?

- Only to Charlie. - I see. A politician, Minister.

Very droll, Humphrey.

It'll be a couple of days. Can't do much harm.

Always remember, Minister, you wanted him here, not me.

It is after half past, Minister.

When am I going to do all this correspondence?

Well, Minister...

Well done, Minister. Better out than in.

22:30 Edinburgh train

will leave from Platform 7...

- Who is it? - Bernard.

Come in. Bernard, what's the matter?

- Will you read this, please? - No, I will not.

- It's top priority... - You always say that.

It is a copy of President Selim's speech tomorrow.

I know these speeches:

Happy to be here, bonds of shared experience,

- Ties between our two countries. - That is all in it, but...

- I'm not going to read it tonight. - I think you should.

I've underlined the important bits in red ink.

I'll just distribute some copies around the train.

Around the train?

To Sir Humphrey, the Foreign Secretary, the Press Officer...

"Burandans feel

a special affinity with the

Celtic peoples

in their struggle for freedom.

We too had to fight to break free

from the chains of British colonialism".

British colonialism?

"The people of Buranda urge the Scots and the Irish

to end the English oppression, cast off the imperialist yoke

and join the fellowship of free nations".

Good God!

Yes.

We would appear to have been caught with our trousers down.

He can't say this in front of her.

I don't like to say I told you so.

- Egg all over our faces. - Not egg, just imperialist "yoke".

Three Scottish by-elections.

It is indeed a catastrophe. A tragedy.

A cataclysmic, apocalyptic, monumental calamity.

- And you did it. - You're paid to advise me, advise me!

This is like trying to advise the Captain of the Titanic

after he's struck the iceberg.

There must be something we can do.

We could sing Abide with Me?

- Yes? - Minister.

The Foreign Secretary would like a word.

- Ah, Foreign Secretary. - Have you read this...?

My Minister is concerned that we will have egg

all over our face. Scotch egg, presumably.

- Why is he doing it? - Maybe it's for home consumption.

Perhaps he's trying to persuade the other African Leaders

that he's a pukka anti-colonialist.

Yes? Yes, Bernard?

The Press Officer would like a word.

Oh dear!

Room for a little 'un?

Do you think it's good idea to issue a statement?

Well, Minister, in practical terms

we have the usual six options.

One, do nothing.

Two, issue a statement deploring the speech.

Three, lodge an official protest.

Four, cut off aid.

Five, break off diplomatic relations.

- And six, declare war. - Which should we do?

If we do nothing, we implicitly agree with the speech.

Two, if we issue a statement, we just look foolish.

Three, if we lodge a protest, it will be ignored.

Four, we can't cut off aid because we don't give them any.

Five, if we break off diplomatic relations

we can't negotiate the oil rig contracts.

And six, if we declare war it might just look as if we were overreacting.

In the old days we'd just send in a gun boat.

I suppose that is absolutely out of the question?

- Yes? - Minister...

The Permanent Under Secretary of the Foreign Office.

It'll be like the Black Hole of Calcutta.

- May I come in, Minister. - You can try.

This is all we needed.

Welcome to the Standing Committee.

Sir Frederick, what are we going to do about this?

Well, Minister, Foreign Secretary...

I think...

I think we know what’s behind it,

don’t we, Humpy?

Humpy?

Sir Frederick is suggesting that the offending paragraph may be

a bargaining counter.

- He wants something? - Why send us an advance copy?

Why don't you find out what it is he wants?

The Embassy staff are all new, we've just seen the speech.

And no one knows anything about this President.

Except me.

- Except you? - They were at University together.

- The old boy network. - That was 25 years ago.

He may not even remember me... I don't really think I could...

You ought to see him.

I think you carry more weight.

Then the mountain shall go to Mohammed?

No. No. No. Jim's going.

That's what I meant.

All right. But you'll have to come with me.

Of course, Minister.

I'd hardly let you do it on your own.

Jim, come in.

- How nice to see you again. - Charlie... Long time no see.

You don't have to speak pidgin English to me.

Sir Humphrey Appleby, my Permanent Under Secretary.

- Your Excellency. - How do you do.

Do sit down.

Permanent Under Secretary is such a demeaning title.

I beg your pardon?

Sounds like an Assistant Typist or something,

whereas you're really in charge of everything.

Well, not quite everything.

I should congratulate you on becoming Head of State.

Oh, thanks. It wasn’t difficult.

I didn't do boring things, like fighting elections

or by-elections.

Jim, of course I'm delighted to see you,

but is this purely a social visit,

or is there anything you wanted to talk about?

I do have to finish my speech.

Ah... Well, yes... Actually, we have seen an advanced copy...

You liked it?

Charlie, may I speak frankly?

- We're old friends. - Of course.

You must realise that that bit about colonialist oppression

was a bit... well... um, very...

Well, actually profoundly embarrassing.

That passage where you urged the Scots and the Irish to er...

I wonder if you could um, give it a miss?

- Give it a miss? - Yes.

But, this is something I feel very, very deeply to be true.

Surely the British don't believe in suppressing the truth?

Good heavens no.

I wonder if there's anything that might persuade you

to consider recasting that sentence and transferring the emphasis

from the specific instance to the abstract concept

without in any way,

impairing the conceptual integrity of the theme.

Yes...

May I change the subject?

Jim, while you're here may I sound you out on a proposal

I was going to make to the Prime Minister?

What proposal?

Our little change of Government has quite unnecessarily alarmed

some of the investors in our oil industry.

Only temporarily, but it does mean that we need

a little British investment to tide us over.

To restore confidence, you know.

How much?

Fifty million pounds.

Ask him on what terms.

On what terms?

Repayment of the capital not to start before ten years.

And interest free.

Fifty million pounds... it's a lot of money.

I see, well in that case...

But that doesn't mean we can't talk about it?

Interest free? Ten years?

Assuming a 10 % interest,

he's asking for a free gift of fifty million pounds.

It would appear that you're asking for

a free gift of about fifty million pounds.

But it's to your advantage.

We would use the loan to buy oil rigs built on the Clyde.

Ah, well.

He's asking us to give him 50 million pounds

so that he can buy our oil rigs with our money.

Reasonable to me.

- Reasonable, Minister? - Lots of jobs, Humphrey.

Supposing it were possible to do this deal,

would you find it possible to make cuts in your speech?

Yes, but I'd have to know now.

Blackmail!

Are you describing me, or my proposal?

Your proposal, naturally.

No, no, not even your proposal.

I think we can come to agreement, don't you Humphrey?

Minister...

Could I have a word with you?

Yes?

Will you excuse us, Your Excellency?

- Is anything wrong? - Is anything right?

He's offering us a way out.

A gift of 50 million pounds is a way out?

- It's a loan. - We'll never get it back.

You buy your way out of political involvement

with fifty million pounds of public money?

- It's diplomacy. - It's corruption, Minister.

K.B.E.

Humpy.

You mean...

Yes, I see.

I suppose we don’t want the Soviets to invest in Buranda, do we?

And I suppose it could be argued that we have a responsibility to the...

T.P.L.A.C.'s.

Yes, quite.

Oh, good.

Mr. President, I think we can come to terms after all.

- Well, you know my price. - And you know mine.

Everyone has his price.

Yes, Minister.