Original subtitles

Why does this keep happening?

We're constantly on top of each other We have no privacy

You know the logical thing to do / I know

We need to get separate apartments

That is the logical thing

- So, we'll get a bigger place? - Uh-huh

- We'll take it! - Aaah!

Ok!

There's just one little thing It's three times what you wanted to pay

What?!

We sublet

We find somebody else to take this place

Then we charge a lot more money than we should

We gouge 'em!

Honey. I mean, if you want to move back to New York

we'll move back to New York

I just don't know how we're gonna find an apartment here

I think we can help

Ok, Karen

When you look back on your life

what is the one thing that has gotten away from you?

Who is that one person that could make your life complete again?

Sunny's out of bed? Finally!

Von Bulow, get your ass in here!

No, not Sunny V.B., silly

Your mother! Roll it

Hiya, Kiki!

I told you I never wanted to see you again!

Guys, we're moving to a bigger place!

Will?

Will, are you here?

Guess he's not here

- I love your new place - Ah, so do we

There's so much space and it's such a great neighborhood

You know, I go to the same drug store as Robert DeNiro

who seems to be having protected sex

Come on I'll show you my wing

Grace, were you calling me?

Grace?

Will?

Hello?

Will?

Grace?

Will?

Will?

Grace?

Stop!

- Hi? - Hi!

- How are you doing? - Good

On a date Phil

Me, too Bill

Isn't this great?

This place is so huge we can have so-so dates

with mediocre guys at the same time and not even be aware of each other

- We're lucky ladies - Yeah

So...see ya

Yeah See ya

Will?

Will?

What?

Bill just said 2002 was the last palindrome year of our lifetime

and I laughed and he looked weird

A palindrome is some kind of elephant, right?

No

It's a word or number that reads the same backwards as forwards

Oh!

Oh...

Bill's kind of dull

- 'Night - Yeah

Grace!

- Grace! - What?

Do you think Phil kind of smells like wet dog?

I don't remember what Phil smells like

Go get him

I can't go get him It's, like, a mile

I'm not hiking all the way up there just to smell Phil

Fine Guess I'll just head back up

- What's wrong? - Need a minute to catch my breath

What in the hell are we doing in this rundown Irish hole-in-the-wall?

What's the name of this place, anyway? Molly O'Poverty's?

Back up, butt crack

Kare, this is just my way of saying I'm sorry for springing your mother on you

Oh, that's sweet, honey

But why a filthy bar in Yonkers?

Because...

if you take out filthy and Yonkers what are you left with?

A bar

See, now, that's why you're the president of "Nothing, Incorporated."

- Whatcha looking for? - A wet nap

I want to clean off the feted reeking after-touch of the common man

A five?

what the hell is this doing in there?

Hang on I'll get us a waitress

Ok, um, I got one What'll you have, Kare?

Oh, I'll have a wine with a beer back

and a vodka with a beer front

You know what they say--

"Beer before wine makes you feel fine"

" Wine before beer makes you feel queer."

You!

I thought that nursery rhyme sounded familiar!

What's the big deal?

I mean

she seems nice, and she really wants to get to know-- / Nice?

Honey

My mother is a con artist, ok?

I send her a check once a month to keep her out of my hair

Yeah

my entire childhood was spent traveling with her from town to town

running scams on people

Never settling down

Just when I'd make a friend have 'em over for milk and cookies... Bam!

It was time to move on

Karen, that's shocking

You drank milk?

The last town we lived in I fell in love with a boy

He had long blond hair delicate features, soft skin...

At least I think it was a boy

Well, anyway, I was in love

And he or she loved me

Until my mom scammed her, too

Then he left me

That was when I left home and never looked back

Karen, this isn't something you can runaway from

It's not like a hotel bill or a crying baby

Forget it, Jack

There are some things you just can't forgive

Wait

I can't let you do this

Look, when I found my father

it was too late to connect with him because he was dead

And I don't want the same thing to happen to you

So...

please just go in and have one drink with her, ok?

No!

I got back in there she'll pull me into one of schemes

and I'll be right back where I started from

I will absolutely not have one drink with her

Three drinks?

Well, she is my mother

Will, I'm having a clothing crisis Will you come down here?

No You come up here

No You come down here

No You come up here

- No. You come down here - No. You come up here

No You come down here

No You come up here

Please?

No, and stop bothering me

Hello?

Grace, I'm not coming down there!

Will, I miss our old apartment

Me, too I wanna go home

Me, too

- Let's talk about this - Yeah, let's

Will you come down here?

You know, you can't go on hating me forever

I'm your mother

you got everything from me

Your looks, your guts your ambition

The only thing you didn't get from me is that voice

That voice you got from your father

Yeah

No one could ever tell us apart on the phone

But this isn't about Daddy Leave him out of it!

This is about how you ruined everything for me as a kid

Oh, come on, Keeks We had good times

Remember the summer we went to Lake George?

Yeah, I remember I had to stay wrapped up in a blanket from head to toe

cause you told everybody at the country club

I was allergic to the sun

and if we didn't raise $10,000 for my operation

I'd have to live under the stairs for the rest of my life

And we fished

You used me, Mom

I was never anything more than a prop to you

The poor little blind girl with the big rack

Or the poor little welfare child with the big rack

Or the poor little gardener's daughter

With the big rake

It hurt me, Mom

I wanted a mother not a business partner

Oh, Kiki I am so sorry

Maybe I wasn't winning any mother of the year awards then, but, you know

we're different people now but we're still family

I still love you

I see

So you reappear after all this time say you're sorry

and I'm supposed to forgive you, just like that?

Oh, Mommy I missed you / Aw...

Maybe we can start over again but different this time

You know, without the lies without the scams

You betcha

Just one more job

do you have any catsup?

Why, did you find another French fry in your pocket?

No. No. No

I just figure if I smear it all over my body

and act like I've just been attacked

and maybe that'll scare Rob and Ellen out of our apartment

back to New Jersey

Forget it, Shaggy

We're just gonna stick with what we said in the cab

that we made a big mistake and we need to take the place back

It's only been a week Probably don't even like it anyway

- Hi, you guys! - We love it here!

Mm-hmm

We were almost attacked right in front of the building!

A hospital

This is gonna be good

I cannot believe I let you talk me into doing this

trying to get some poor sap to sign his will over to you

before he drops dead

No decent woman does that after 35!

He's not a poor sap, honey

That sap shorted Enron at 56

Now come on

What's going on? What's happening? Why aren't you moving?

Where's that thing I asked you to sign?

What? That paper

that says I'll never ask you to pull another con after this?

You know, it really hurts me that you gave me that

Mm-hmm

Well, it's gonna hurt a lot more if you don't sign it

Fork it over, froggy!

It's signed

Good thing I became a notary for that Chicago job we pulled

Ok, now, I have been working this guy for months

And everything was going according to plan until he took a turn for the worse

So, I gotta close this deal quick and I can't do it alone...

which is why I brought in my poor down-on-her-luck daughter

who's also a little slow

How slow?

Well, you were a cheerleader but you never stopped clapping

Oh, it makes me sick

to think I'm gonna help you bilk a man out of his hard-earned money

That reminds me I gotta call Stan

Where's a phone?

I'm gonna go in first Here. Here, you change into this

Oh, good Lord

Look at this outfit!

Is Grace in on this, too?

Well, there we were, crossing what the New York Times called

the third most dangerous street in the country

- and--and-- - And there he was--

The Upper Westside Slasher!

They said they caught him

but I guess that swarthy one-eyed killing machine is back

Damn him Damn him to hell!

So why is it that I haven't of this killer guy?

- Who was that? - What What What?!

Probably nothing At least nothing that can get in

What is this?

This sounds like some kind of urban myth. Right, Rob?

I don't wanna die

Damn it, Rob Pull yourself together!

- Who was that?! - What?! What?!

I heard it that time!

Ok! Ok

now, I don't know what you two are doing

but I know you're doing something, ok?

It's one of their weird little "Will-and-Grace things."

It's like that time they tried to get us to eat "dim sum."

Come on, Rob I gotta pee

Why does he have to help her pee?

I don't know

Couples are weird

Where'd you get gum?

Oh, sorry

Well, this isn't working

We'll have to go back to Plan A

You mean tell Ellen the baby's not hers?

No

We just explain that we're very sorry but we're taking the place back

and nothing they do or say is gonna stop us

- Ellen's water broke! - Baby's coming!

So...

you wouldn't wanna talk right now?

So we're not gonna get that apartment back, are we?

I don't see how They're a family now

Well, I guess we deserve this

We were kind of awful

In fact, there's only one person I can think of that's worse

Hey, Grandpa how about closing up that gown?!

I swear, I was not gonna say that

Hey

How's it goin'?

Oh, honey

What's this all about?

Remember how everyone was so gung-ho about

getting me back with my mom?

Well, this is what happens

I'm poor, and I'm slow

Karen, I am so sorry...

that I don't have a camera right now

- What are you doing?? - Will? Grace? Karen?

Lois and I are pulling one last scam

I just can't say no to my mother

Will, Grace. Kare

Oh, there you are I was looking all over for you

Oh, my God I have that same shirt!

Except, um

mine has a big rooster on it and it says, "I love me big, red--"

Jack!

Oh, I can't believe I'm doing this again

I mean, it was ok when I was a kid

but at a certain point, you just want a mom who loves you for you

not for what you can do for her

Well, if it's any consolation we all love you because you're you

Yeah, Karen Sure

sometimes I give you a hard time put you down, make fun of your drinking

That's it

I didn't mean to put you through this

I didn't mean to hurt you

I'm your friend and I'm always here, no matter what

Now we're gonna see a 22-year-old sailor in spectacular physical condition

having a tattoo removed from his buttock

Go

Yeah, it's pretty good but not quite cheap enough

Grace, let me borrow that scarf

This is not a cheap scarf Tell her, Will

Will gave me this scarf for my birthday

Give her the scarf, Grace

Kiki...

Thanks

It was in an Hermes box

Yeah, I'm gonna need that box back before next Christmas

Ok, I'm ready

I figure slow-wise I'm somewhere between Sean Penn

in I am Sam

and Sean Penn at home with his family

You know what?

I can't do this I can't take advantage of you

I-- You're my daughter and I love you

I see

So the old guy croaked before you could get into his will?

Oh, Karen, I'm shocked! I'm trying to apologize to you

Ah, restraining order from the daughter

I don't know how she got up here that fast

Start walking

So, uh, I guess this is it for awhile, huh?

Yeah, I guess so

Just so you know, I'm never gonna ask you to do this again

- Blah blah blah - No, no no

I mean it I mean it this time

There are a lot of things I would like to do over--

I would send you to the proper schools, I would stay put

I would never have broken up you and what's his name

I mean, she was nice

Yeah...she was

I miss him

Hey, guys, I'm a daddy

Yay!

Oh, my God, that's great!

Oh, it's a beautiful baby boy

You should see the length of his boyhood

Can't wait

No. I mean I almost cut the wrong thing

You know, Rob

about that whole westside killer thing--

- We were just having a little fun - Yeah, yeah

It's really a great neighborhood

I mean, there really is a crazy man on the loose who cuts women's hair

but that's not really gonna affect you any

Yeah, look before you guys go on

I don't know how else to put this, but, um...

Ellen misses New Jersey She wants to move back

And I know we signed a lease

and I know you've settled into your new place

and you're all happy there, but, um

do you think you could find it in your hearts to move back?

We can do that!

Oh, guys, thank you so much Really. You're the best friends

We are Good friends

'Cause we love you

Oh, by the way, Will

you're gonna pay for my boy's education

What are you talking about?!

Will, you gouged me on the rent

I...did not

Will, I'm your accountant

You think I might figure that out?

Uh... Uh... Grace?

Will, I am shocked!