Original subtitles

That was a great show Thanks

I have been waiting all year to see Puppetry of the Penis

It's just that the whole time mine was thinking

"I could do that"

Will, Hi What are you doing here?

On a date

Well, I'm on a date, too

Will, Bill Bill, Will

Hey, Bill, Will

Uh, Bill, Phil Phil, Bill

- Bill - Phil

And this is Grace

It's a thrill

Good save

Would you guys mind if we just...

stepped out for a minute? Hold on a second

This is kind of funny

Yeah, I got a thing You got a thing

Get out

You get out!

OK! OK!

Why don't you guys just go into the bedroom?

We're not ready to go in the bedroom yet

Why don't you go in the bedroom?

We've already been in the bedroom

Slut!

Why does this keep happening?

We're constantly on top of each other

We have no privacy

Last night, I heard noises from your bedroom

that sounded like a pig being tickled

So, I snore a little

Well, you're a loud pee-er

I swear, it sounds like the last hour of

The Perfect Storm in there

Here we are, having the apartment discussion again

I know

It seems to keep comin' up

You know the logical thing to do

I know

- We need to get separate apartments - That is the logical thing

So, we'll get a bigger place?

I mean, we talk about it all the time

and why else have we been going to

open houses every Sunday for the last six months?

You know, if we're serious about this

we should get a paper tomorrow and start looking

It's 10:00 Sunday paper should be out already

You're right Let's hit the news stand on 86th

Oh, wait

We're forgetting somethin'

Coats

Ok, Karen Strap yourself in

because I have gotten you

what I believe to be pants-down

the best birthday gift you're gonna get all year

Oh! Honey is my new liver in?

No

I'm making a film that celebrates your life

It's called "Karen : A Celebration of Life"

A film, breath taking in its scope and ambition

How much do you need?

Karen, please I am insulted

This is my gift to you How much can you give me?

Well, I'd give you a credit card

but I used my Amex to hit a face I didn't like

I lose more credit cards that way

Check book, ok?

Yeah, um, I'm also gonna need a crew

I was thinking 20 burly men with bulging calves

who aren't afraid to sweat

- How about Rosario? - Perfect

So, what time are we meeting this real-estateagent?

Ayleen? 10:00

I thought it was Eyleen

It's spelled "Eyleen " It's pronounced "Ayleen"

- Why? - "A" don't know

You know the more I think about it

the more I hate it here

The bathroom's too small

There's not enough closet space

My bedroom's filthy

So, basically we're moving so you don't have to clean your room?

It's really messy

You know the most annoying thing about living here?

Hello

I swear I wasn't gonna say that

We are here at the apartment that sex forgot

to hear from two of Karen Walker's dearest, dearest, dearest...

Line?

- Friends - Friends! That's right

That is going on the gag reel! That is hilarious!

Jack, we really don't have time for this

- We're on our way - Excuse me, we are live to tape!

We're here with the sad couple

If you're just joining us

we're digging into the mystery of Karen Walker

We're going through her checkbook

in an attempt to find out who she is

Now, Grace right this way

Thank you for coming

On the18th

Karen wrote you a check for $280

What does that mean to you?

She paid me $10 a day not to wear ruffles

or eat Ruffles in the office

Interesting, interesting Yet not so

right this way Thank you, Will

Thank you Ok

And here, Karen wrote you a check a mere two days later

for expense reimbursement

I'm pretty sure only one of those is a word

But what could that mean to you?

It was a, It was a guilt payment

for throwing her credit card at my face

Just as I thought

This checkbook is unlocking

the mystery of Karen Walker

And I thought shooting those pornos

for Tommy Lee was a tough gig

Ok, This is just the first one We have a big day ahead of us

What do you think? It's charming, right?

I love it! Are we done?

Well, I like the space

great floors

It's equidistant from my gym and Krispy Kreme

does it have a view?

Does it have a view?!

I'm guessing it's closer to Krispy Kreme's than the gym

I love this building!

There's something about it It just feels so warm and friendly

- Hey, neighbor - Hi!

Let's get the hell out of here!

Just so you know

this one's been on the market a long time

It's a lease option to buy and the seller's very motivated

Don't look at him!

He's just wiring the place for the Internet

I have a weird feeling I've been here before

Well, I shouldn't tell you this

but a famous person lives here

Do you love that downtown comedy?

Sandra Bernhard Excuse me

Oh, my God!

Like a circle in a spiral, like a

- Hi - Hi, again

What are you two Kate &Leopold

looking mother f*****

I thought I told you

I never wanted do to see your *****

faces again

We're serious this time We are really interested

in renting your ap...

save it, bitches

Ever since you two f*** me over

I haven't been able to dump this piece of sh***

We're gonna-- We're gonna go

'cause this isn't gonna be right for us anyway

So, are you playing anywhere? 'Cause we'd really love to see you

Would you get the f*** out of here?

So, honey

Who else have you interviewed?

Oh, all your closest friends

Pharmacist, Butler, Jeweler Backup Pharmacist

I hope Pharmy and Back up Pharmy

don't find out about each other

That's a cat fight waitin' to happen

but you know, Karen I'd love to include your mother

in my "Project Queen-light"

What institution is she in?

I was just kidding

when I told you she was in the loony bin

Funny story, actually

She's dead

What's funny about that?

Well, she was alive and now she's dead, Get it?

Um, who's Lois Whitley?

Huh?! What?! Who?!

Well, I've been working my way through your checkbook

trying to figure out who you are

by how you spend Who is she?

Oh Well, honey, I think that's somebody driver ran over

But usually, when Driver runs somebody over

there's a little frowny face in the memo part of the check

Yeah, well

maybe it was one of those double-pedestrian dealios

Who cares? Listen

I gotta go see a man about a horse pill!

Lois Whitley

I don't think we've heard the last of her

Come with us now as we begin to unravel

the mystery of Karen Walker

Come on Keep 'em closed

One step

we really don't want to play this game anymore

Last time we did this I stepped on the owner

And open!

Three-bedroom duplex 3200 square feet

walk-in closets meditation room, library

Do I need to continue? Because you should be kissing

my ass at this point

- I love it, do you love it? - I love it, do you love it?

But we don't need a library

That's right We don't read

And we don't need a meditation room

That's right

We don't believe in anything

So, what are we gonna use those two extra rooms for?

Shoes!

We'll take it!

Ok!

There's just one little thing

One little thing

It's three times what you wanted to pay

What?!

Why didn't you tell us, then?!

Because I wanted you to fall in love with it

Do you love it?

- Yeah, we love it - We love it

Are you sure this is the right address?

The landlord said Lois Whitley works at Paddy's Pub

This place is Paddy's Pub

Ok

It's not the fact you spit that bothers me

It's the fact you spit Tabasco

All right this obviously isn't the place

Look, just grab the gear and we'll do the interview

with Karen's hair dresser and we'll get that in the can

Take it easy Martin Scorsissy

I schlepped this equipment all over Yonkers

I want to sit down and toss back a few

Rosario, we are on a schedule! We don't have time... / I'm buying

Maybe something with an umbrella

Excuse me, miss Yeah, we're ready to order over here

- What's good? - What's good?

Me in Hawaii with Richard Crenna

I heard that, sister

What do we got here?

You look like a bus and truck company

of West Side Story

You know, I played Maria a time or two

It's true, I tell ya

Anyway, I'll have a club soda

with two teaspoons of sugar a splash of Rosa's Lime Juice

half crushed ice half cubed, and an umbrella

One beer

Excuse me! Rudeness!

I would like the drink I ordered!

And maybe even a "Hello, my name is pbblt."

"I'll be your server tonight"

Listen, Maria

I've been on this shift since What time is it now?

Uh, 1947

My back aches my feet hurt

and the only thing holding up my boobs is hope

So, you'll enjoy your beer

A beer would be great Thanks

Make that two, and a couple of hard-boiled eggs

By the way my name is Lois

I'll be your server tonight

Lois? Lois Whitley?

Yeah How'd you know?

Well, we we`re looking for a Lois Whitley

What a coincidence

Anyway, tomorrow I want to shoot the outside of the apartment

Schmucko

Oh, Lois! Oh, Lois Whitley!

We came here to film you

Film me?

Oh, honey, I haven't done those kind of movies in 30 years

Just give me a few minutes to freshen up

Oh, no

It's not that at all

I'm doing a film tribute to a friend of mine

and I come here today with my crew

Hi

To ask you a few questions about said friend

Roll it

So, Lois Whitley tell us

What exactly is your relationship to one Ms Karen Walker?

I'm her mother

Santa Maria it has a mother?!

I wish I'd never seen that place

Now I can't stop thinking about it

It was so great

Not like this dump

Come on This place is fine

Oh, it's a dump, Will!

This is a beautiful apartment

People would kill for a place like this

It's got a doorman, a terrace

It's in a great neighbor hood

Damn it! What idiot builds a step up to a kitchen?!

This place sucks! Crappy design!

Well, you'd better get used to it

'cause we're stuck in a shoebox

until I'm an old maid in a threadbare cardigan

and you're an old maid in a threadbare caftan

Thanks

You know the worst part about this apartment?

Oh my God! You're not gonna believe what happened!

Honest to God I was not gonna say that

I met Karen's mother She's not dead

She's a cocktail waitress

It turns out Karen's father died when she was seven. Oh, my God

Can you imagine what Karen looked like when she was seven years old?

Cute little pumps, cute little martini cute little pills

Anyway, from then on they moved around a lot

until Lois met a man a ne'er-do-well named Bernie

Or was it Todd?

I don't know I can't remember

'cause at that point I zoned out

'cause some real hot fireman came into the bar

Oh, his name was Todd That's right

Hot Toddy

Anyway, what did I do with his number?

Actually , when Karen was 16

her and her mother had some big falling-out

and Lois wouldn't tell me what it was

but I have a feeling Karen killed a man with her bare breasts

All this is in my movie I smell sequel

Karen has a mother?

Yeah, that's huge

So, we've got to figure out how to get that apartment

It's too much money

Perhaps

But not if we have more money

My God, Grace You've done it

That apartment is as good as ours

- Oh, wait! - What?

- No / Uh? - Well / Yeah?

There is one thing we could do but it might make us bad people

So let me ask you

would you rather be good people in a bad apartment

or bad people in a great apartment?

I think you know the answer to that

We sublet

We find somebody else to take this place

Then we charge a lot more money than we should

We gouge 'em!

You are brilliant!

Guys, open up! Ellen has to pee

- Hey - Hi

Sorry we're late Traffic was ridiculous

Well, maybe if you had taken the tunnel like I told you to

instead of taking us on a scenic tour of murderville

we could've been here on time!

I'm irritable, I'm fat and I have to pee

Wow I forgot Ellen stopped coloring her hair

Is it weird that she's not a redhead anymore?

Yeah, yeah

It's weird she's not a lot of things anymore

Red-headed, fun, nice

I just don't think she likes me anymore, guys

Come on Why do you say that?

Well, it's the little things she says, like

"I don't like you anymore, Rob!"

Pregnant women say things

Yeah She doesn't mean it

Yeah, and she's on this kick about moving back to the city

Really?

Oh, yeah

She was grumbling about how New Jersey might not

be the right place for us to raise our kid

I'm sure it'll pass

Oh, Trenton, Secaucus Fort Lee, Passaic

- Places that suck! - Yes

Hey!

Guys We live near Secaucus

Don't slow us down

Ok, uh, bad accents, bad taste overworked hair, social stigma

Things kids have who are born in New Jersey!

- Right! - Hey!

Oh, guys It's just a game

I'm sure your kid won't have any of that Grace, go

Ok, uh, culture, great restaurants amazing shopping

The advantages of living in New York

Ding! We're burnin' up!

Honey, what's wrong?

I hate New Jersey

Our kid's gonna grow up

with a bad accent and overworked hair

I wanna move back to the city

and I swear to God if we don't do it

I'm divorcing you!

Honey I mean, if you want to move back to New York

we'll move back to New York

I just don't know how we're gonna find an apartment here

I think we can help

So, Karen, on this the centennial of your birth

Jack wants me to wish you a happy birthday

I hope all your wishes come true

and when you do become Satan's mistress

don't you forget the little people

And that's the end of part one

- Oh, bravo - Speech, speech

Leave, leave

Oh, thank you, everyone

To be surrounded on your birthday

by your closest friends

Well

Would've been nice

But instead I'm stuck with you kids

I'm kidding I'm kidding

But seriously, you people just mean the world to me

Rosie

You're more than just my maid

You're my friend

And little Gracie

You're more than just my friend

You're my maid

And Will Oh, boy

I know

I know I've given you a lot of grief over the years

Abused you called you names

And Jackie

I love you more than you love yourself

and I love my movie!

Oh, wait It's not over yet That's still one more part

So, uh

when should we tell everyone about our new apartment?

Well, we gotta wait for the right time It's big news

I know

So, when am I gonna know when it's time?

Maybe you can give me some kind of signal

A signal? Ok

When Ethel comes in wearing the barrel

you'll know it's time

Ok, Karen

When you look back on your life

what is the one thing that has gotten away from you?

Who is that one person that could make your life complete again?

Sunny's out of bed?

Finally! Von Bulow get your ass in here!

No, not Sunny VB, silly

Your mother! Roll it

Hi, you kiki

Happy birthday! Finally

the mystery is solved!

I told you

I never wanted to see you again!

Guys, we're moving to a bigger place!