Original subtitles

So where's the movie?

Did you get The Age of Innocence the way I asked?

Oh, I'm sorry I must have misheard you

I thought you said to rent...

Turn Your Head and Cough Army Physicals Caught on Tape

Hey. Ok, I know I said it before that I hate men

There's an update

Now they hate me

Just now in the grocery store

I was flirting with that cute produce guy

I gave him the hair...

The eyes... The teeth

He asked me if I needed something to keep me from swallowing my tongue

So you got dissed by some guy in the producedepartment. Big deal

Did I not mention what also happened in the meat,dairy

and customer service departments?

Hey H.R. Desperate-stuff...

Why don't you stop trying to pick up guys in the grocery store

Did I not mention what also happened at the hardware store, drugstore

liquor store, and Big Apple Circus?

Jack, your ass is ringing

That means a gay angel just got his wings

Yeah?! Yeah?

Oh, my God! I'm so excited!

I can't wait to tell my friends! I'll see you guys later

Wait a minute! Wait! Whoa! What happened?

Oh, I killed at my audition!

I'm a finalist for the Manhattan Gay Men's Chorus!

Congratulations!

Wow, Jack, that is huge

I wonder-- Is the Gay Men's Chorus really

any gayer than the straight men's chorus?

They're going to Europe this summer

all expenses paid

They said everyone who goes gets per diem

but I'll just drink bottled water so I don't have to worry about that

Portabella!

Sweetie, let's hang out all weekend together and hate men

We'll sleep late order in and watch

Ooh! the Army one! Great!

Can't do it I got plans this weekend

Ooh? Ooh. Ooh!

- With Karen - Eww. Why?

There's some big Valentine's day party on Shelter Island

She and Stan host it every year

All the snooty vansnoots get dressed up

and dance their face-lifts off

Anyway, with Stan in prison she's got no one to go with

so she asked a bunch of people

who all wisely said no and I... I don't know

I felt bad

What's wrong with me?

Nothing. You are a sweet delicious man with great morals

and great values

Now, put the frickin' tape in I'm want to some mensquirm

Now, I don't want you to be intimidated by these rich society people

Remember.They're just like you only infinitely better

Karen, I'm no more intimidated here

than you would be in a roomful of people who were getting into Heaven

Aren't you sweet?

Listen, I'm gonna go check out my room

I hope the bed is soft

I cannot sleep on a hard mattress

Last time I slept on a hard mattress

I had this dream that I couldn't sleep

because the mattress was too hard

You should write that one down and tell it atparties

That's a keeper

are you gonna be in your room or here at the bar?

Why am I even asking?

Honey! Give me a sapphire!

Karen Walker...

I thought I smelled gin and regret

Beverly Leslie...

You look more like a woman everytime I see you

Thank you. You know I had to speak up for youjust now

The ladies were saying how sad and pathetic you are being

all alone here without Stanley

but I defended you

I said, "she's a hop head, too."

Aw, Beverly, you're almost

as sweet as a regular sized person

I must confess

We're gonna miss you and that husband and a half

closing out the weekend doing the traditional spot light dance

Can't very well do that by yourself

- But... - Oh ho!

How the mighty have fallen

Karen Walker sad and alone

If I weren't so compassionate I'd be laughing... Like this!

Oh, cut it out, you teacup poodle

It just so happens I'm not here alone

Oh, are you insinuating that handsome

handsome man you arrived with is your lover?

How dare you?!

I love my husband!

I would neverdream of violating the sacred trust of our marriage

by taking a lover!

He's my whore

Ah! Your gigolo ?

I don't believe you!

Well, I won't be getting any sleep tonight

It's as hard as a rock

Ok, I'd like to do it again

Uh, I guess we'll have to do it without this Owen person

Apparently he has something better to do than show up for his call-back

Jack, you take Owen's solo this time

Oh, my God

You want me to do the solo?

Ok, um, just so you know

I'm dedicating this one to the men and the women in the Armed Forces

Goody

And

My baby, he don't talk sweet he ain'tgot much to say, yeah

But he loves me, loves me, loves me I know that he loves me anyway

And maybe he don't dress fine but I don't really mind, yeah

'Cause every time hepulls me near I just wanna cheer

- Let's - Hey, sorry. I'm late!

Hi. My boyfriend is having this huge family crisis

His mother was-- Ok I tried bangs. It backfired

We understand

Uh, excuse me

As Aretha said to Gloria,Celine Shania and Mariah during Divas Live

"Are you trippin'?"

"No one interrupts the Queen of Soul, bitch. Ok?"

Well, I believe she also said "Hey, Cuba,Canada, cowgirl, Crazy"

"get out of my light and away from my snacks,bitch."

Uh, ok Now that Owen's here

let's take it from his part

- But I-- - And...

Maybe he's no Romeo he's my lovin'one-man show

oh~~ Let's hear it for the boy

Very good Very nice

Just give me a minute while I judge you and reapply

Burton's no competition

Sure he can sing

but you can see his pores from space

This guy wasn't terrible but those shoes...

Not musical

Now... This howdy doody looking mother fella

He could be trouble

Oh, I'm so nervous

Yeah, um, you were kind of off-key and

um... And your phrasing was kind of

By the end I didn't really want to hear it for the boy

So, but, um I don't think they noticed

I was a little worried about the competition so I just wore my tightest t-shirt

and I do think they noticed

Ok, we've narrowed it down to two of you

Uh, but not you two

Jack, Owen take a look at this music

I'd like to hear you sing with the chorus tomorrow

Thank you

- I'm such a loser - Oh, Burton

You're right

helping Burton was good karma

but how can I get rid of this guy?

What's the one thing that could keep him out of the Gay Men's Chorus?

- Hey - Hey

Anne Heche-Laffoon! He's straight!

Um, excuse me Will, is it?

Yes

Yes, I know that you're How shall I say this?

"Working" for Karen this weekend

I was wondering are you taking any other clients?

Well... Servicing Karen takes up a lot of my time

Seems like I'm down there constantly

but... Um, I could probably squeezeyou in

Ok. great Um, I'm a little nervous

I use done of you guys before and I wasn't very happy

Oh, well, you don't have to worry about that with me

When I take someone on

I don't sleep until they're completely satisfied

There was this one woman When she came to me

she was afraid she'd never get off

and I just pushed and pushed

I mean, I came at this thing from every angle

And not only did she get off but she named her child after me

Isn't that sweet?

Sounds great

- Do you have a card? - Sure

- I want one, too - Me, too!

Now, listen, it's real cool of you to invite meover to rehearse

Well, I'm a giver with no ulterior motive

Would you like something to drink?

Maybe a white wine spritzer

or an American beer in a can that you can crush on your forehead

when you're done drinking it

Uh, no, I'm good I just want to get started

Man, it would be really cool to go to Europe

I almost went once with my girlfriend

And by "girlfriend" I mean you know, hey, girl friend!

What you wearing to Europe?

Yeah, it was a guy You know, huge arms

Well, that's a sweet story

- Hug me - What?

Well, I feel that we're close now We shared

Oh, interesting You gave me the straight guy

double pat on the back no hip contact hug

Actually it was more the gay guy bend at the waist feel

your delts check out your shoeshug

Ah, yes, how could I have mistaken the two?

Interesting Interesting

Um, why don't we start with some vocal exercises

What gym do you go to? Why haven't I seen you in the clubs?

And who have we slept with in common?

I work out at home I'm allergic to smoke

And I'min a long-term relationship with my high school boyfriend

Name? / Ben I know him / No, you don't

- How do you know? - He told me you don't

I think I'll have that spritzer now

Jack!

Why is my door locked?

You better not be using my hair crimper on your bad place again

That's a mistake you just make once Excuse me

What are you doing here?! I'm in the middle of infotaining

Jack, I'm not in the mood

Oh, my dog! I have a brilliant idea

- I have, in my apartment - My apartment

In there right now is a hetero posing as a homo

I need you to help me get proof

So you want me to "in" him for you?

- Forget it - Ok, yeah. That's fine

You probably couldn't get him anyway

I mean, your flirt's on the fritz

It's no big deal I'll just get somebody else

You know, someone who is actually sexual

Yeah, Jack That's gonna work

If I was Screechon "Saved By the Bell."

Hey, Jack, can we get started?

Hi

That's him? Give me a minute

to paint on some cleavage

Uh, 1:00? Yeah, I am booked

But you and Mrs. Sandwall are friends, right?

Well, would you mind if I just did you two together?

Great Ok

I'm scared and excited, too

You!

Oh, good Lord! You scared me!

Shouldn't you be in your tree making cookies?

You're a liar Karen Walker

I don't for one minute believe that man is your zheegolo

I'm in the room next door

and I haven't heard a peep from that room

And, honey, believe you me I've been listenin'!

If you're being deceitful I'd hate for people to find out

but I would love to be the one to tell 'em!

Oh! Hello, Will

Karen, I don't know what you've been saying to people but thank you

You know how many appointments I've set for potential clients this weekend?

Oh, my God! That is huge!

- That's great - I know

Yeah It's funny, though

You know, a lot of these women are so needy

A few of them asked if I'd hold them afterwards

Oh, wow! That is good, really good

Oh, yeah! Oh, it's good! Yeah!

- Karen - Aah! Yeah! What?

What is going on? Oh, my God

If you're about to shed your human form

please don't make my body the next host

No, silly. I told everybody you were a whore

and I just want to make sure it

sounds like we're having sex in here, ok?

Oh... What?!

Have you lost your mind?!

Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Oh!

- Stop it! - What?

My God! Why would you spread such a horrible rumor?!

What if I went around saying "Karen Walker flies coach"?

That would be a damaging lie!

God! This is so embarrassing

Here I am thinking

I'm Julia Roberts in Erin Brockovich

and meanwhile I'm Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman!

God! I am getting out of here

You're not going anywhere!

The dance is at 8:00 tonight and I need you to be my partner

Forget it

Get somebody else from your staff

butcher or baker or painkiller-maker

Oh, I forgot They were all smart enough to say no

Honey, wait You're the only one I asked

What?!

Yes. you're the one that I wanted to be here

Why? So you could take advantage of me?

No Be-because I

- Good-bye - No! Wait a minute, honey

Because ever since Stanley went to prison

you're the only man in my life that I can count on

Well, you should have thought of that before

Good-bye

What is it about Grandma's Tummy Mint tea that just makes me feel so...

Sexual?

I don't know but if that does it for you

you might want to avoid Red Zinger

Grace, can I talk to you for a minute?

I have a furf in my shmankman

and I think I caught my hrmm in my whoo!

What is taking you so long? Seduce him already! God!

Never send a woman in to do a man's job

Jack, we're straight

It's a little more complicated than "your turn."

Well, turn it up a nacho

So what? You want me to be more aggressive?!

Yes. Good Go. Great

Oh! Wait Your hair

I just...

That's a lovely song

Thanks It's the English version

of the French song "mwa mwa mwa mwa"

Oh! Look at that

My tea's cold I'm gonna get a refill

Oh! God! Darn! Look at that!

I should take this off

It's not good to be wet too long

Oh!

What am I doing?! Oh, wait a minute

You don't care You're gay, right?

Oh, right Right. I'm gay

So you don't mind if I...

No, I'm gay. You should definitely take your shirt off

It's cute, right?

Oh, I'm sorry I'm making you uncomfortable

no. I'm not uncomfortable I'm gay. We love bras, right?

That is a really really good one

I mean, it is awesome!

Uh, I mean, it's, uh it's fantabulous

Well, if you like that

you're gonna love the jeans Touch 'em. It's ok

You know, 'cause you're gay

Right. I mean why should you care, you know?

My hand seems to be traveling up your thigh towards your

Rockin'ass!

but who cares, right? Because I'm gay!

So it's all right if I tell you you're beautiful and throw you down

on this couch and make out with you fiercely, right?

Yep Because you're gay

I should be on top

You know, you're a good kisser for a gay guy!

And I've kissed a lot of gay guys!

Gotcha, you sick straight bastard!

Jack, get lost I'm not done!

Good for you You got me

But the joke's on you

I'm still gonna be in that chorus 'cause you don't have any proof

Exhibit A

There's no film in that camera

What, you think I'd be so stupid not to put film in my own camera?

Hello!

Damn you sneaky heteros!

That's right Your word against mine, buddy

but thanks for the help

And thank you for the tea...

and A

Well, I really appreciate a woman who knows how to turn it on

Yo!

Well, Jack, look on the bright side

I'm back

Grace Adler's back!

And I know a produce guy

who's gonna get a nice little flirt right about now

Then I'm gonna come home watch some gay porn

Happy Valentine's Day to me!

Ok, everybody. Hush Clear the floor

It's time to end this event

with the traditional spot light dance

Led by our hosts Karen Walker and her husband

Oh, wait, no He's in the big house

Everything's a big house to you

But she brought somebody else

Oh, wait. no He's not here either

I guess it's just gonna be Karen Walker

Can we get as pot on this sad little lady?

All right, Thumbelina you got me

I'm all by my self, ok? Everybody happy?

Karen Walker is all alone

Oh, no, she's not

She's got a drink in both hands

probably one in her purse

and she's got me

May I have this dance?

Thanks, honey Why'd you come back?

Who else you gonna count on?

So they really think I'm a gigolo?

Yeah

Let's give 'em something to talk about

Oh, honey! Now I know why Grace married you

Wishin' and hopin' and thinkin' and prayin', plannin' and dreamin'

each night of his charms that won't get you into his arms

So if you're looking to find love you can share

all you gotta do is hold him and kiss him and love him

and show him that you care

Show him that you care just for him

Do the things he likes to do

Wear your hair just for him

'Cause you won't get him

- Thinkin' and a-hopin' - Wishin' and a-prayin'

- Lyin' and a-cheatin'! - Tubby and a-tone-deaf!

Stop it!

I can't take it anymore! This man is straight!

You're crazy!

I'm as gay as the locker room at the Ice Capades!

This is just your pathetic attempt to eliminate the competition

And besides, I think Jack is the straight one

I have never been accused of something so heinous!

Heinous

How dare you, sir?! You are an impostor!

And I have a woman who he made out with who can be here in five minutes

That'sright, five minutes because she has no life!

Damn!

Tell them the truth

Ok. I'm straight

And it was wrong of me to deceieve you guys

It's just that

I love to sing

I love to sing choral music

It makes me feel like I'm...

Being gently chucked under the chin by God

But there's no room for a straight man in that world

You don't know how hard it is for me to fit in

The looks, the murmurs behind my back

I mean, I know what they're saying

"Ooh, he likes girls."

So I tried to pass as gay It was wrong. I'm sorry

All I wanted was to sing and be accepted

And maybe dance a little, too

Cry all you want, straightie

This is the gay men's chorus

Who cares about choral music?

We just want to go to Europe and shower together

And you can't come

Yes, he can

Confuse me?

We here at the chorus have a policy of tolerance

We used to have a policy of openness

but that got too many giggles

You should be ashamed of yourself!

Congratulations, Owen

You're going to Europe!

Don't change your hair

And we're sharing a room

You know... You may have won

but I still have my dignity

I don't have to pretend to be anything other than who I am

What do you have?

I have a free trip to Europe a huge per diem

and a chance to sing in all the best venues in the world

And a winning smile

Perhaps

But I still get to sleep with men