Original subtitles

Hey

when did you start reading a tennis magazine?

Since I realized the men wear shorts even in winter

When did I become that guy?

Barney's was crazy

Ok, what would you do if there was only one size four cashmere camisole

and this woman starts crying

and says she needs it to wear to a funeral?

You'd have to give it to her, right?

Yeah

Good... I think I'll use that one again

So, are you packed? We have to leave in like 45 minutes

For what?

Danny's wedding It's this weekend

What, you were serious about that?

Of course! Why wouldn't I be?

Because why would you want to go to your ex-fiance wedding?

You didn't show up when you were the bride, why show up now?

I have to, I was invited

If I don't go, it'll seem like I'm devastated

because he's getting married before me

- Which you are - Which I am

but if I go as the sexy, independent carefree, ex-girlfriend

in the fabulous cashmere camisole

that makes me look booby and rich, then I win

So this is just some sort of petty game to show up someone

you don't even really care about anyway?

Yeah!

Then I'm on board

Hey, what's new? Oh, really? that's good, that's great

you guys work hard you deserve it

What's new with me?

Not too much

Looking good, smelling good If I weren't so busy

I'd date myself!

Ok, I've read about this You're never supposed to wake them

What's new with my son Elliot, you ask?

Oh, boy!

Hey, how you doing? I'll call you, or not

Wow, Elliot, the hair

It's--it's very... Nice day for a white wedding

Well, I think it's cool

Chicks seem to like it Do you like it?

- I think it's very-- - No, no, no

if you want to know about gay stuff, ask Grace

If you want to know about girl stuff, ask Will

What do you think?

Grace, I gotta say this feels a little weird

Are you sure we're even invited to the rehearsal dinner?

Well, we weren't not invited Mix in

Gracie! Hey, you're here I wasn't sure you'd come

Hi

Well, I was the runaway bride I didn't want to be the runaway guest

I'm so fine with this

And Will

I should've guessed you'd be the "plus one."

Well, that's me Always a "plus one," never a bride

Oh, speaking of which I want you guys to meet someone

- Honey? - Uh-huh?

Sweetie, this is Grace and her friend Will

Guys, this is Sarah

Oh, Grace the decorator, right?

Yeah, I saw that piece on you in that Architectural Digest thing

- You're kind of famous - Oh, heh heh!

Let's not forget House & Garden

And World of Interiors

But who's keeping track?

And what do you do, Will?

- I'm a lawyer - Oh, I'm sorry

- Well, uh, see you guys - Yeah, bye!

God, I hate when people do that

The hear the word "lawyer," and they just shut down

It's like they stop listening at that moment

I'm prettier, right?

No, no, I'm staying at Will and Grace's

Yeah, they're gone all weekend, mm-hmm

I don't know I think they're on their honeymoon

Ok, hate you call me later, bye-bye

Knock-knock Anybody homo?

I am, I am!

So, listen, Jackie

Stan and I had this tropical getaway planned for next week

but seeing as how he's in the prison

warding off French kisses from a 500-pound fella named Tiny

I've got an extra ticket!

Jamaica!

Oh, my-- Ooh look at that hot cabana boy

His sarong is so wrong

Oh, it's heaven, honey

They pick you up at the airport and whisk you away in a covered limo

You never once have to look at a local

it's good

- Oh, wait, I can't go - Wh--?!

Thursday is career day at Elliot's school

and I only have a week to figure out what I do

I'm thinking Hugh Jackman's body double or Secretary of State

Oh, kids ruin everything!

I mean, look at the stitching on this thing, huh?

You cannot trust a ten-year-old to do a good hidden button

Oh, come on, Jackie

Come to the islands, mon

No, I can't! Stop it!

I promised his mother I'd be there

It's Bonnie, open up

Oh, that's her, ok

She really counts on me you know, looks up to me in a way

And why wouldn't she? She's shorter

Jack McFarland I'm gonna kick your sorry ass

Come on, grab a chair, let's sit down We gonna have some toasts

First, we're gonna start with Sarah's college roommate

Everybody... Beth

When Sarah and I were freshmen at SUNY Potsdam--

- Whoo! - Whoo!

We realized that we share two things...

A love of the poetry of Emily Dickinson

and a love of... Chocolate!

It wasn't until...

So this guy who rear-ends me he's got some ass-faced lawyer

Before I know it I'm paying his medical bills

Oh, hi, I'm Holly

this is wayne

I'm manic-depressive and he raises dogs

Nice to meet you

Uh, I'm Grace I'm an interior designer

and this is my friend Will

- He's a-- - Professional tennis player

Ok, Sarah's gotten hers

Now let's get somebody up here to give Danny a hard time

Hey, where's his ex-girlfriend?

Grace, are you here?

Oh, um, no I didn't prepare anything

Um, just, uh, good luck

Aw, come on, Grace No one expects you to be funny

Just--

Just wing it

Yeah, come on, you're the ex

Tell us...

- feel bad about giving this one up? - Oh, God, no!

No, no, I mean, he's-- he's a great guy

but, come on, I've always thought about having a child

but not as a husband

I'm not saying he's immature

but, um, do most guys need to get a treat when they flush?

But, uh, to give him a little credit

I do remember our first Valentine's Day

He gave me the greatest gift

and it only took six to eight weeks to get rid of it

I mean, what the hell were you thinkin'?

I come home from a double shift and I find "Jonny Quest"

in my kitchen eating a baloney sandwich

Hey, how about a thank you for taking your kid from bland to blond, huh?

Hmm, let's see...

Squeaky, rude, drunk You must be Karen

Oh, sweet! He faxed you my bio

Listen, I don't mind Elliot hanging around with you, Jack

but when he comes home with the gay haircut

looking all downtown weird--

A-pa-ka-buku-shiki!

At least his hair says something now

It says "Pow! Bam!"

Hey, hey, hey, come on

Before the hairpins start flying maybe I can help

Now... Roger, is it?

Bonnie

Oh, pretty

Listen, Bonnie

I've got this maid Rosario

been with me forever

Now, I have had her stomach stapled her teeth fixed

her hair dyed, she's been de-moled de-clawed, deloused--

What's your point?

Ohh, my point is...

I think I may have broken your spirit

How would like to come work for me, ok?

Come on!

You know, if there were any justice in the world

there'd be an alligator somewhere carrying you as a hand bag

I like that

Look, Jack, bottom line, ok?

I'm his mother I make the rules

Well, here's a bottom line for your bottom line

I'm his father

and I get to make up some of the rules, too

This is a big news flash for you

You're not his father

I'm his father, and his mother

and until he was eight years old I was Santa freakin' Claus, all right?

You got no rights, Jack

You're just a test tube that I picked up before they threw it away

I'm sick of it

I don't want you seeing my son anymore

You know

maybe there is an alligator running around somewhere

with me as a handbag

I mean, who knows what they do with my old skin....

Surprised to see you in a suit, Will I thought you'd be wearing your tennis skirt

No one thinks you're funny

Hey, you were funny last night

Everybody's still talking about it

Oh, please this weekend's not about me

Everyone, you said?

It's all working-- The hair the clothes, the smile, the vibe...

The row of poppy seeds in your teeth from the bagel you had this morning

What? Aw, crap

Excuse me you're the tennis player, right?

Oh, well, actually I-- Yes, I am

- Hey - Hey

What are you doing here?

I'm just trying to get away from Danny's mother

Oh, yeah

Or as I like to call her

"What the hell are you doing in my apartment?"

You know, I probably-- I probably should've said this before

Uh, but, um-- Um... I'm really glad I'm here

You know, I didn't know about it at first

because, you know my whole history with Danny

but, um, you know just seeing the two of you...

Seeing how happy you are...

It just... It feels like...

Do you need some floss or something?

No, no, I think I can-- Just give me one more

I got it, got it!

Well, I am really glad that you came here, too

Really? Thank you

Yeah, I mean, that speech you gave last night?

- It was good, right? - Yeah

I mean, I mean, I did some stand-up in college

so...

what was your favorite part?

All of it

I mean you, you really have Danny nailed

You know, how he's immature and how he's irresponsible

and it's just really got me thinking--

Well, you know a good comic will do that

You now, just get to the truth, you know

Yeah, I'm calling off the wedding

What?

Ok, when did I eat pineapple?

The toughest person I ever played...

Myself

Yeah, when I'm on that court the only person that can beat me...

is me

Did you ever play Steve Turner?

Steve?

I don't-- I don't know if I played Steve

Probably

Well, maybe he'll remember You know he's here, right?

Come on, Sarah open the door

You want to marry Danny You have to marry Danny

Why? You didn't?

Hide me

Everybody's about to find out I'm not a professional tennis player

Big deal

Because of my speech Sarah's decided not to marry Danny

So what, your stand-up's now so bad it's breaking up marriages?

Why don't you keep your opinion to yourself, Venus?

Now get out of here I gotta convince her to marry him

Ok, is there a window in here?

Does it smell like there's a window in here?

Oh, now, Grace--

There you are silly, he's here

Steve!

Yeah, you know what?

You know when I said I was a professional tennis player

that was because...

You know how you throw the word "professional" around like

like Heather Graham is a "professional" actress?

Steve, this is Will He's a professional tennis player, too

Well, I was--

Sure

Will

From the Davis Cup

Yeah!?Yeah, Steve, isn't it? From the Davis Cup?

Yeah

Yeah, good to see you again

Davis Cup

When you coming home, son?

I don't know when...

but we won't get together then, Dad

You know we won't have a good time then

Hey, honey...

I think I've got something that'll make you feel better

No, no, Karen

No more sailors who think they're coming over for their physical

Oh, boy...

Hey, how you doing? I'll call you, or not

Oh, my God, you're back!

How did you get his mom to agree to this?

I didn't

I've been kidnapped

Whoops!

Come on, Sarah

you're about to make the most amazing commitment

The only thing I've committed to lately

is buying seven more CDs over the next 12 months

and even that's giving me a stomachache

Yeah, but all that stuff you said about Danny is true

He's childish he's immature, he's--

I know, but he's a lot of other things, too

He's a good guy He's a really good guy

Yes, he may not go too deep into things...

But maybe that's ok because he let's me be the crazy one

We can be in this huge crowd

and he makes me feel like I am the only one there

And there was this one time where I cut my hair really short

I looked like the guy in Simply Red

And I felt...so bad

And he came home and he said

"I don't care You look beautiful, no matter what."

That was so sweet

Daytime TV sucks

Uh, what's going on?

Why aren't you at school why you with him

and why haven't you turned into a bat?

I had nothing to do with this

Elliot, Karen, I believe you have something you want to say to Bonnie

Um, I got out of school early and went over to Jack's

Elliot, how?

I signed him out

I'm sorry, young lady you're gonna have to speak up

I signed him out!

You kidnapped my kid?

It was his idea!

You drove!

Yeah, well, you're the one who wanted to see Jack!

Well, you're the one who bribed the attendance lady!

- Nya-nya-nya! - Nya-nya-nya!

All right, stop it stop it, both of you!

Karen, so help me God

I am two seconds away from not giving you a spanking

Elliot, what were you thinking?

I wanted to see him I missed him, mom

Go to your room

Not you, him! Go

Good, that kid is trouble

And you, go to your limo and think about what you've done

- But-- - Limo!

Ohh!

Now, Jack, don't you remember a conversation we had

where I said I didn't want you to see my kid

or was the soundtrack of Evita blaring too loud in your head?

Hey, I wasn't part of any of this, ok?

They came to me, and the first thing I did was bring Elliot back here

Are you wearing blush?

Ok, the second thing I did...

- was bring Elliot back here - Good

The point is he's here

and you'll never have to see me again

so I'm just gonna take my gay self back to my gay apartment

live my gay life and have a gay old time

What are you doing what is that?

Oh, come on

The whole thing about the gay haircut

I know what's going on here

The reason you reacted so strongly about the hair is

because you have a problem with gay people

- No, I don't - Yes, you do

- No, I don't - Yes, you do!

- I'm gay, Jack - No, you're not!

- Yes, I am - No, you're not!

Yes, I am I'm gay

Prove it!

Say something lesbianic

Home Depot (Ȩ ���� : �̱��� ������ �������� ����ȸ��)

k.d. lang, you are a lesbian!

Ka-pow

Why didn't Elliot tell me?

Because Elliot doesn't know

- You never told him? - No, I never did...

And I think maybe that's why I overreacted about the hair

I spent the last 12 years of my life

trying to figure out how to tell my son I'm gay

and you walk in and do it with a handshake

I really want to be a part of his life, Bonnie

And you should be, Jack

But you gotta remember somethin', all right?

I'm in charge of his hair I'm in charge of no leather pants

I'm in charge of telling him I'm gay

my way, my time

- Agreed - Good

Wow

Elliot has two gay parents

That's like... every kid's dream

Let's hope so

You know...

I can see why he likes you

Listen, um...

Thanks for covering for me

No problem

So tell me, what's it--

what's it really like to be a professional tennis player?

How would I know? I work for the IRS

You ever tried saying that at a party?

It's like saying "hi, I just killed my family."

And there was one time...

When I couldn't get my car started...

And he called AAA and they started it

I miss Danny!

I loved him so much!

Poor Grace, shh!

Oh, don't worry you'll be ok

You'll find someone

Not like Danny!

Hey, hey, what's the hold up in here?

Too many nachos last night?

Get out of here!

You're not supposed to see the bride before the wedding!

Wedding?

Yeah

I'm getting married today

Thanks, Grace

...in holy matrimony...

Look how in love they are

He could be looking into my eyes right now

That could be me up there

You may kiss the bride

Oh, my God, let's get the hell outta here

That could be me up there