Original subtitles

I know prison's supposed to be a deterrent

but does it have to be such a downer?

- It's so gross and scary - Oh, that reminds me

Those Whitney Houston tickets go on sale tomorrow morning

Hi Sorry I'm late

My underwire kept setting off the metal detector

Where's Karen?

Oh, she couldn't make it

She said, um, she had, uh how did she put it?

Something better to do

I can't believe it

We're here to visit her husband and she can't show up?

I've got better things to do, too!

Like what? What do you have to do?

I--I was gonna experiment with-- with... parting my hair differently

Well, might as well play with it while you got it, heh

Grace? Grace Adler?

Oh, my God! Glenn! Hi! What are you doing here?

Oh, I'm just visitin' with a friend of mine

who's been havin' a hard time

Hey-- Hey, guys this is-- This is Glenn Gabriel

- We went to high school together - Well, no. You went to high school

I experimented with my father's antidepressants

and played in a band

That's right You guys were terrific

What were you called again?

- Suspicious Mole - Suspicious Mole. That's right

Your concerts were hairy

Mr. Walker will see you now

Hey Who else you got?

Robert Downey in there?

Jack, this isn't like the pound

where you can take home the one that wags his tail at you...

Or some gay bar where you can...

take home the one that wags his tail at you

Um... You guys-- You guys go ahead

I had such a crush on this guy in high school

Blot Not on-- Ugh

So, what have-- What have you been up to?

Kids? married?

Do you ever see anyone from high school?

Married?

No, I'm still single

You look... Jeez, you look great

No wonder you never went out with me in high school

What? No

I-I-I think it was you who never went out with me

I-- I totally had a crush on you

I had--I had a crush on you

Oh, yeah

Yeah, when we sang that Toto song "Rosanna"...

I was really singin' about you

"Meet you all the way Grace Adler, yeah."

Totally

Really? Wow

You know what? Let's have coffee sometime

When are you free?

Ok, this room is now closed Inmates follow me

Uh, in about five to ten

I'll call ya

Meet you all the way

Grace Adler, yeah

Well, I had an awful day

I told you those briefs look good but they bunch up

It's not that Well, it's not just that

I've represented Pace Construction for eight years

Now they're getting sued

It's going to trial and Doucette takes it away from me

'cause I'm "not a litigator."

Where does he get off?

Just 'cause I don't do it that much doesn't mean I can't litigate

I can litigate my ass off

How do they do that in movies?

Where are you going? You got a date?

Kinda

When is he gonna pick you up?

In about five to ten years

Oh, Grace

You're dating a convict? Does it come to this?

He's not a convict

He is just some guy who did some white collar real estate thing

and needs to be behind bars for a little while until he learns his lesson

Hey, he wouldn't happen to have a brother who's not gay

but likes to have sex with men, does he?

Come on

In high school he was so weird and cool

He was in a Jewish gang

What is that, exactly? They drive by and slash your credit rating?

Was he a-- Was he a blood-berg or a crip-stein?

I'm telling you, Will there was something about him

He wore a cape and drove a Vespa

And he always had the prettiest girl riding on the back

I so wanted to be that girl

But, Grace dating a prisoner? My God

You're like one of those women in a polka-dot dress

and a floppy hat that bakes brownies for serial killers

I like him

He's nice, and there is nothing weird about what I'm doing

Here she is Where the hell have you been?

We've been upstairs for half an hour waitin' for you to turn on the TV

Yeah, Rosario

Thanks to you we missed our show

What if Martha Stewart was nice today?

You two are like "dumb and drunker."

Don't you love our Ro-Ro? Let's tickle her!

Dog-pile on, Rosie!

No, no, no don't tickle me

No, please, I have to finish this sweater for Mr. Stan

so you can take it to him tomorrow when you visit him

I'm not goin' tomorrow

But he's expecting you at 10:00

Yeah, well, I've got other plans

I'll be in the observatory watching Woody Allen get it on with his daughter-wife

How can you be so heartless?

Mr. Stan, he suffers in prison

You haven't been to visit him in weeks

Oh, please

The only one who suffers is the guy in the bunk underneath

his waking up every morning with a mouthful of mattress...

'Cause he's so fat

If I've learned anything

from the Dalai Lama by way of Richard Gere...

It's that suffering is a state of mind...

quite like heterosexuality or the Midwest

You schmucks couldn't last three nights in prison

Take away your freedom hell, take away your panty-hose

you'd be crying like a baby

Hey, that happened once

and how dare you reveal secrets from our marriage bed?

In fact, you wouldn't last three nights in this room

Well, neither could you

Lady, I live in this room

Oh

Well, all I'm saying is I can do it

Easy

Really? Care to make it interesting?

What are you suggesting?

Are you asking me to take my top off?

Slow down, Gypsy Rose Lush

What I'm talking is three nights in this room

and if either one of you leave

before your time is up

you have to visit Mr. Stan every day for a month

All right

but if we win

you have to give me a weekend at the country house and let me hunt you

We lost our fox

- Deal - Hmm

Wait a minute, wait a minute wait a minute, wait a minute...

Wait a minute Wait a minute

How did I become a part of this?

What's in it for me?

Well, as my cell mate you'd be my bitch

You'd be subject to being molested at any time, day or night

Whee! Let's start now!

Ok, you guys Three days, starting now

Good luck, meat

This morning I was lookin' out my window

and a single bird just flew across the sky

I just started cryin'

You know, the same thing happened to me this morning

when I saw a single gray hair

- Rugulah? - Thanks

It was so sweet of you to make these for me

I had to call my mother for the recipe

and tell her they were for a prisoner I've been seeing

I think she was more surprised I was baking

And-- And you're funny

I mean, you're funny and you're beautiful

I just can't believe some guy hasn't snapped you up

What, are they all idiots?

You know what, Glenn? A lot of them are

Sorry, little fella

There's another spider in there to keep you company

Hey, how was your visit with the felon?

Did you give his shawshank a redemption?

Did you rock his jailhouse?

Did you give him the cool hand luke?

You know, these are all good You pick your favorite

You can make fun all you want but Glenn is a really great guy

He's interesting He writes poetry

and he has an appeal coming up

and he's, uh, studying law so that he can represent himself

Well, that's crazy

He can't represent himself He's gotta have a real lawyer

Oh, good, so you'll do it? He's expecting your call

Wait! Wait! Whoa-- whoa--Whoa--whoa! Whoa!

What?!

I'm doing you a favor

You were just complaining about how you never get to go into court

Now here's your chance

Well, I just said that 'cause I was mad

They might be right I might not be any good

What? Remember moot court in law school?

You were amazing

You gave that stirring argument about freedom of speech

while in the background you played George Michael's song "Freedom?"

Huh? Wasn't that great?

- I was pretty good - Huh?

And it would be cool to get back into a courtroom

You know, I get-- I get a pair of those half-glasses

like Paul Newman in the verdict...

You know, and part my hair on the-- on the dangerous side

There you go

You know what? You're right

Will Truman can litigate

Don't tell Will Truman he can't litigate

'cause you know what happens?

Will Truman turns around and litigates, sucka!

Oh, Kar... I heart prison

Oh, me, too

Honey, I don't know what Stan's been complaining about

I mean, what's so great about the outside world anyway?

Just a bunch of people with their dumb dreams

and even dumber kids

Yeah, I know

Ok, meat, time for lockdown

Count off

- One! - Two!

Good night

Oh, wait, wait, Rosario I need my nightcap

Your what?

My nightcap!

Gin on the rocks and I want the rocks made out of pills

And while you're out there could you crank up the bubbles in the tub?

I want a jacuzzi with a happy ending

Mmm

Are you kidding me with this?

Do you think Mr. Stan gets his evening hoagie

before he goes to bed?

Forget it

No nightcap?

No happy ending?

This is worse than prison

This is high school

They're just cookies

I made them for Glenn Glenn Gabriel

We're--we're kinda going out

Well, actually, I go out He mostly stays in

First time I heard that one

- Really? - No

I'm so glad you like the bundt cake

Sheila, you're-- you're so good to me

You know, I'm in the prison rock band

and whenever we do the Toto song "Rosanna,"

I'm really singin' about you

"Meet you all the way Sheila Slovinski, yeah."

- No, I can't take it when you do that! - You're the one who made a mess of it!

Well, I'm just trying to get through this!

What are you talking about? You've all but given up!

We need to work together here!

Oh! Shh! Fine! Let's just try it again!

Bum-bum-bum-bum-bum

Mr. Sandman bring me a dream-- Bum-bum-bum-bum

Make him the cutest boy that I've ever seen--

Bum-bum-bum-bum

Give him a lonely heart like Pagliacci

and lots of wavy hair like Liberace

Mr. Sandman bring me a dream--

Karen!

Make him the cutest boy that I've ever seen Please turn on your magic beam--

Karen! Cut it out!

This is a duet We are a team

There is no "I" in singing

Oh, yeah?

Say that again and I'll get a bar of soap

carve it into a drink and throw it in your face

I can't take it anymore

- I am out of here! - What?

Sure... It was fun this morning in the shower

when you punched me in the windpipe and took my candy cigarettes...

But now I want out

No!

You open that door and we lose this bet

and I am not gonna lose!

Why? What are you so afraid of?

So you have to go see Stan What's the big deal?

I don't like to go see him

All right, fine From the top

Bum-bum-bum-bum bum-bum-bum-bum

Bum-bum-bum-bum-bum

Mr. Sandman bring me a dream-- Bum, bum, bum, bum

- I hate men - Good, more for me

You know, I'm goin' through some of Glenn's files

His-- His last lawyer really messed up

Some of the state's evidence was obtained improperly

It should never have been admitted

Without that, they have no case

What's up?

Glenn and I are through

Oh, Grace

You were dumped by a prisoner

I was not dumped It turns out he was two-timing me

- That's awful - Thank you

How could someone in prison get two dates?

I can't even get one

Oh, this is all so embarrassing

He seemed so honest and straightforward in the holding room

Well... Hopefully the next guy you meet

will work a regular nine to five

instead of serving five to ten

Funny

Maybe he'll have gone to Penn State instead of the state pen

One more

Maybe you two will live in a big house instead of the big house

- And you're done - Ok, I--I warn you

I may have one more in the morning

Something about "behind bars" and "in bars."

I'm still workin' on it

I'm sorry you're not gonna be able to try your case

but don't worry

You'll get another chance

I'm still trying the case

What?

I'm his lawyer, Grace I made a commitment

But he was mean to me

Grace, if-if everyone who was mean to you was put in jail

the prisons will be full of every guy you ever dated

the girl that shushed you at the Nutcracker

and the counter lady at Zabar's

She leans on the whitefish when she weighs it

I know it

I pay extra for that fat ass thumb

Grace, I never get to go to court

This is my chance to prove myself

Look, I--I got the Paul Newman half-glasses

and I got three great Tom Cruise moves

I got... from The Firm

I got, uh... from A Few Good Men

and just in case I need it, from uh, from Jerry Maguire, I got...

"Fine!"

Well, why can't some other lawyer do this?

Grace, I can't drop out now, ok?

I'm not that kind of man

I'm an ethical man...

A man of conviction A man of courage

Besides, the judge already gave me permission

to videotape it for my mom

Wow....

I have seen a lot of Cher concerts

What's that?

What?

In your mouth

You're chewin' somethin'

What is it?

- Nothing - Liar!

It's a Smint! Give it to me!

- No! - Give it to me!

Karen, get a hold of yourself!

Oh, I can't take it anymore!

I feel like an animal caught in a trap!

Oh, now I miss my coats, damn it

I do not heart prison anymore

Oh, honey, neither do I

Well... At least we only have two hours left

- Rosario! - No, Karen, what are you doing?

We could still win

Honey, I don't wanna win anymore

If it's this bad for us, think about what it must like for Stan

I gotta go see him

Rosario, get in here!

What is it, meat?

Hmm. Meat

I may keep that name on the outside

It's over You win

Aha, I knew you couldn't make it

You may talk tough but you're soft like a noodle

So you can forget about hunting me like a fox

Yeah, yeah Big loss

You spook the horses anyway

Get outta here. Go on Get outta here

I'm gonna go see Stan

Ah, Karen...

Beneath those big breasts beats a heart as big as those breasts

Do you want me to come with you?

No, honey

Like lovemaking this is something best done by myself

Good afternoon

In the matter of The State v. Gabriel

what we'll attempt to prove today

is that the evidence against my client was illegally obtained

Now I refer you to the documents that will hereafter be known as

Exhibit A

I'll review these in my chambers

Fine!

I wanna thank you so much for getting me off

I couldn't have done it without you

Well, it was-- it was a thrill for me

I--I enjoyed doing it

but now that I'm not your lawyer

if you come within five feet of Grace

so help me, God, you'll be singing "Rosanna" through a tube

Ok

Hey

You were pretty amazing up there

You saw me?

Peeked in

You were a regular Oliver Wendell Homo

Funny

F. Lee Gayley

You get one more

Johnnie Cochran

That's his real name

It still works