Original subtitles

So, Larry..

I have no problem with you borrowing this

but you've just gotta understand it means a lot to me

It belonged to my Aunt Tillie until she lost her sight

That's so sad

Not really

That's why I was able to sneak it out of her house

Anyway, a few ground rules

Never wash it with soap You don't need it

Don't use a steel brush on it It'll ruin the finish

And by all means don't shove it up your butt!

Mime that one, you big homo! There's a mirror right there!

Well, come on

It's not a heart valve It's a coffee urn

You two argue like Joe and I do

only you don't have to deal with

your husband's hateful stares in bed afterwards

Well, thanks again for this

- Bye, guys - Enjoy your party

Happy Moulin Rouge coming out on DVD

Ok, fan out We got a lot of work to do

- I'll hit the fridge - I'll hit the bedroom

And I'll fashion a crude grappling hook and meet you atop the windmill

What's going on?

Oh, you're so nosy!

Karen bought a horse and we're here to get some supplies

Jack, look at this old rag I found to line the stall

That is my bedspread

Well, honey, I'm gonna wash it before I give it to the horse

Oh, give me that!

What are you doing buying a horse?

What, you got sick of riding Rosario around the house?

Oh, Grace, it's always been my dream to have a whole stable full of horses

Oh, when did that start?

After you took your first black beauty?

Yes, it did

And, you know it's a good investment, too

Yeah, we're gonna put him out to stud and make some money

Oh, lucky pony....

Look, here he is Oh~~~

he's got my eyes but Stan's girth and fetlocks

Oh, my god, he's gorgeous! What's his name?

Well, he's named after a sailor

I shared a very special evening with during Fleet Week

Don't you think "Hey You" is going to be a little confusing?

His name is Lamar

Well, maybe I could ride Lamar sometime

Funny, that's just what Jack said to the sailor

Hey, you're gonna think I'm crazy

but there's a weird smell coming from the show tunes section

Hmm, maybe somebody took The Wiz

Is that your father's mistress?

Tina? No, I don't think--

Yep, that's Tina

Oh, I'm sorry I thought I had the receipt

I don't

We should really probably go over and say hello

Why would I say hello to

the biggest problem in my parents' marriage?

Would you say hello to your-- your father's gassy stomach?

Sure, why not? It always says hello to me

Um, yeah, ok Well, I'll do what I can

but they're gonna need to know the reason you're returning 'em

That's easy

As you may or may not know

I'm having an affair The bastard broke my heart

CDs... were... scratched

Um, ok. Hold on Let me go get the manager

Tina?

Oh, Grace. Will Hi. What a surprise

- Are--are you ok? - Oh, yeah, I'm fine

I just lost my receipt

Oh! George and I were supposed to spend his birthday together

and then he said his wife planned a little party for him

so he had to stay home and have a little cake

Meaning he couldn't come into the city for a little tart

What am I even doing?

If I had a brains at all I would just leave him

And I swear-- I swear, if I could find the right person, I would, too

Well, I have the perfect person

- You do? - You do?

Yeah Yeah

he's--he's smart but not too smart

Charming, but not too charming

Rich, but not too rich

- He sounds great - Mm-hmm

But not too great

God, maybe I should

I mean, George is cheating on me with his wife

Ok. Let's do it I'll call you

Oh! Aah! I found my receipt!

Oh, maybe this is a sign. Oh!

Fixing up my dad's girlfriend

Nice

What's next, a cruise with the Korean woman

my Uncle fathered a child with during the war?

Don't you get it?

If we can make Tina see that there are other guys out there for her

then maybe she'll end the affair with your father for good

You know, that's actually a good idea

That could work You're a genius

- Who's the guy? - No idea

This is so exciting It's stud day!

Hello, Lamar Ooh, look at your pony package

Karen, it is impolite to stare

Excuse me

- What penis?! - There's nothing funny!

Ok, then

Time to see if this stud horse is worth what you paid for him

Come on now, Lamar

Now, Lamar, when you get out there take your time

You're not in a hurry You don't care

That's how I'd play it, at least

Although I'd probably wear pants

No, I wouldn't!

Yes, I would!

("No, I wouldn't")

Jackie, come here

There goes my baby

I'm feeling all maternal all of a sudden

I-- I don't know what it is I'm so emotional

It's like I have this overriding urge to--

Ooh, a salt lick! There must be margaritas nearby

Hey, Lamar

Ooh, you found one, huh? You like that one, do ya?

All right, wel a little long in the tooth

a little horse face

but whatever wins the derby

Wow

And they're off. Ha

You go with that, Lamar! Yeah You get behind that fine equine!

Whoo! Yeah! Yeah, yeah, look at that!

She likey. She likey she likey. Yeah!

- That's a he - What?!

Great. Ok, Tina we'll meet you there in half an hour

Ok, Tina's all set She's excited, she's giggling

Apparently there's a new bra We're good to go

Just a matter of time before the affair is over

and my dad can return to a life of quiet desperation with my mom

Yay

What?

- My guy canceled - What?!

Turns out his wife is in town

You set her up with a married man?!

That's what she's into!

Tina is on her way to the restaurant

If she's stood up it'll devastate her

and she'll go running right back into the arms of my father

Ok, this is not a disaster Think

We must know someone else

We'll just call some other cute guy and have him meet us at the restaurant

Right

Ok, this probably explains why we're both alone

Yeah

Damn it This is all your fault

- Hi, Larry - Hi

How could it be my fault? Hi, Larry

Hi

I don't know, it just is

I'm just returning this It was great

The party was a huge success

although Joe pulled a muscle doing the can can

He can't can't

Well, what are we gonna do?!

Cleaned it with a mixture of baking soda and lemon juice

No water spots!

- I guess we're gonna have to cancel - No, we are not canceling

I'm way too into this idea We've gotta find a way to make this work

I dried it on a cookie rack

How are we gonna find a way to make this work?

We don't have a date

Well, we'll just have to find one

In five minutes? How?

Again, thanks for the urn

If there's anything I can ever do for you, just let me know

Uh-oh

Tina, I'd like you to meet your date, Larry

- Hello, Larry - Hello, handsome lady

Lord, I've been all over this place

Flies everywhere clumps of dirt

carrots

It's like we're inside Grace's hairdo

I'll tell you what, honey

The minute Lamar starts pumping out those ponies

we're moving to a snazzier stable

Yeah, Karen there's something I need to tell you

You love Lamar, right? And you'd love him no matter what

Why, of course I would

Yeah, because Lamar is, um-- Lamar is-- Well, he's like me, Kare

Not allowed to come within 100 feet of Kevin Bacon?

No, um...

He's gay, Kare Our horse is gay

He practices the love that dare not speak its naaaame

Come on, honey, that's silly

You think everything's gay

First Canada, now Horse

No, no. Really Really, really, he is

What do ya talk?

It happens

I once saw this thing on lesbian seagulls

on Animal Planet

Yeah, they had short feathers here and then real long feathers back here

I think that's hysterical

- I can't believe-- - I know

Our stud's a dud

I guess that makes you a nag hag

- Ahh - Whew...

- Get rid of him - What?!

Sell him Give him away

- Send him to the glue factory - Wait

But-- But we love him

Yeah?

Well, now a million kindergarten kids

with elbow macaroni and glitter can love him, too

So, Larry, tell me do you have any hobbies?

I like to needlepoint

Really?

Well, not many men do that

Well, he only does that to--to loosen up

during a macho game of baseball

Tell her, Will

Uh, yeah Good setup

Uh, when-- When Larry was pitching for the baseball team in college

Uh, yeah. , you know, he spent so much time in that-- That little area

What's it called, Larry? Where do the pitchers go?

In the China hutch?

Will you excuse me for a minute?

One too many Kir Royales

I've got a bladder the size of an acorn

It sounds funny but it's actually a condition

I'm in a textbook

Excuse me

God, you're bad!

Don't you know when not-- not-- not to bring up needlepoint

when you're on a date with a woman?!

No, I don't, Will

I've never been on a date with a woman before

I don't know what I'm doing

Ok, ok. Well what did you do to win Joe over?

Well, I made him a beautiful accent pillow

using a combination of the classic continental and brick stitch

Oh, we're screwed

- Ok, this will not work - Yes, it will

It has to work

Larry, listen, we gotta make Tina feel confident

She has to see that there's other viable men out there

Well-- But I don't know how to be romantic with a woman

I got it

Treat her like she's your mother

What kind of sick stereotype is that?!

Why would you even suggest that?

- Think about you and your mother - Treat her like she's your mother

I'm only cutting half of this for you so you can take the other half home

It'll make a nice sandwich tomorrow

Oh, jeez

Larry, you know, you really oughta hit the bathroom

you know, before that stain sets

- What stain? - That one there

Oh, my god! How did I do that?

I'll be right back

Do not let her order another glass of wine

Where did you find this guy?

I know

Look, we gotta be honest with you, Tina

Larry was not the person that we were gonna set you up with

Um... The thing about Larry is that he's--

Wonderful!

What?

He notices everything about me

He's completely honest He's sensitive, he needlepoints

I love him!

And he loves you, too

Ok, there he is, Trainer

Now go make him pretty for the auction block

- I'll go get the trailer - Ok

Don't do this, Karen

He may be gay but he's still our horse

Nothing has changed

Everything's changed

What about my dream about a barn full of grandponies?

Come on This is all your fault

You spoiled him

the way you doted on him constantly brushing him

French-braiding his tail

putting clear polish on his hooves

All I did was love him!

Go find Trainer and get him out of here!

I can't even look at him

We gotta dump this pony before there's a pictureof him

in The Enquirer having drinks with Liza

Fine!

I'll go get his luggage and his clogs

Come on Don't look at me like that

It's nothing personal it's just you're not what I signed on for

Ooh, soft Like washable suede

My mind's already made up so you just might as--

Come on Noticing my couture

Just like my little Jackie

Oh, my god!

Honey, you're right This scarf doesn't go with this outfit at all

What was I thinking??

Now, he needs to be brushed twice a day

and he likes most music

except Charlotte Church

He senses she's been deprived of a childhood by her fame-hungry parents

Or I'll sell him to the highest bidder

Let's go, Lamar

Whoa, cowdaddy I've changed my mind

Wh-what are you saying?

I can't do it, Jack I can't get rid of him

I don't care who he sleeps with He's my boy, and I love him

I love him I love my big, gay horse!

I want to go home

Why, yes, Larry I'd love to show you my orchids

They're out here on the balcony Actually, they thrive in winter

- Wow, you and Larry - I know. Me and Larry

Ohh

Being out with him tonight has certainly opened my eyes

to the kind of men that are out there

That's our Larry

You know, he's secure he's confident

One might even call him a man's man

I mean, he is so gentle and attentive

Yeah

You probably couldn't say that about my dad, huh?

I don't want to talk abt your father tonight

It's just gonna get me angry at him

Go on, get angry

I mean, right now he's probably in bed with his lawfully wedded wife

Larry Larry, look at me

You borrowed the coffee urn

You owe us

But when does it end?

One more hour and then you're done

Is that too much to ask to save Will's parents' marriage?

- Well-- - Come on

there's a pound of coffee in it for you... And some really good yarn

I'm listening

Not only that your father's moody

One minute he's-- he's soft and sweet to me and the next it's all cold and clipped

"Gotta get goin'."

I wouldn't put up with it

Do yourself a favor cut the guy loose

I should

He's inconsiderate he's cheap, and he's weak

Ok

And he can be so cruel I mean a real son of a bitch

Now, wait a minute

Well, what would you call someone who is incapable of love?

- He is not - He is!

He'll say whatever you want to hear just so he can get what he wants

He doesn't care who gets hurt

because he doesn't love anyone but himself!

Whoa, whoa, whoa Ok, stop

No, he--he may be some of those things some of the time

but let me tell you my dad--

When I was little and I got sick

he would sit by my bedside the entire night

to make sure the washcloth on my forehead stayed cool

He got up every morning at 5:30 just to have juice with me

before I went on my paper route

And at 19 when I told dad I was gay

he-- Well, he drove into a telephone pole, but...

That night he hugged me

and said "you're my son."

That's all I know

The man may have his faults but not being able to love isn't one of them

You're right, Will George Truman is magnificent

What? Uh--uh-- But

remember, he's mean

Go ahead

Tina?

Could I interest you in a moonlight walk and then perhaps a nightcap?

Oh, oh, Larry that's so sweet

but I'm in love with another man

Oh, thank God So am I

I'll call you later to let you know that I got home safely

He is lovely

I can't put my finger on it but he seems more like your type, Grace