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Oh, God Look at Martha Stewart

Page?

42

Wasn't it bad enough we had to see her in a bathtub?

Now here she is in a pilgrim hat hockin'

her farkakte holiday crap It's ridiculous

- Makes me sick - I love her

I wish I was her

Maybe it's just Thanksgiving I hate

You know the whole holiday family thing

It just makes me so tense

I swear if you put a piece of coal

between my butt-cheeks today by Hanukkah, it'd be a diamond

Oh, I doubt that

I'm so glad we're doing our own Thanksgiving this year

Best decision we ever made

We are officially no longer owned by our families

Hey, you know what?

Let's catch our own turkey this year

Great. I'll meet you in the freezer section of

the Gristede's with a big net

Hello?

Hello J.P. McFarph here

- Who? - You like that?

A little something I'm trying out

I think it sounds more distinguished

You know, like H.R. Pufnstuf

Hang on Let me get off the other line

Lawrence, I gotta go

But I had some more gossip for you about Christopher

Here's a hint he had something raised

and something lowered

- Hold, please - Holding

- Hey - Hey

Did you get my message about Thanksgiving at my place?

Yeah, about that Um, I can't make it

I'm spending Thanksgiving with the Chung-Poviches

and the Gurley Browns They will get crazy

if I try to back out on it

What about in the real world?

Oh, in the real world I'm available, yeah

But you have to come with me to my stepfather's hotel

He's in town for, like the first time in forever

and he wants to meet Elliot

No. No, I don't want to go This is my anti-family year

Please! My mom is making me

If I don't go, she won't pay half my rent

I pay half your rent

Yeah, so does Karen

Come on It's 30 minutes alone

in a hotel room with a stranger

God, I miss the eighties

Oh. Hang on Hello?

- Hey - Hey

You know you hung up on me before

Yeah whatever

Look, my mom didn't get the part she wanted in the Schenectady

Women's Center production of Queen Lear

She's really depressed

so we have to make a quick stop at my Aunt Honey's

in Brooklyn on Thanksgiving

We? Grace

if I wanted to be around depressed women

I'd go to Connecticut and hang out with my mother

and her sisters, the haters

Please! If I go alone who am I gonna give

my aren't-these-people-nuts look to?

The nuts themselves?

Hold on Grace Adler Designs

Oh, honey change that blouse

You work in an office not a pirate ship

You can't even see me

Oh, can't I?

Turn around

Made you look!

Listen, I got your message about Thanksgiving

and you can count me in

Great

The only thing is I need to

make a quick stop at the prison

I gotta bring Stan a couple of turkeys

and a bib made of mashed potatoes

- And I want you to come with - Oh, I can't

I have to get dinner ready and then I have

Oh, great That's fantastic

Well, thanks ListenI'll just go to the prison alone then

Where my husband is...

On Thanksgiving

Alone

Prison

Husband

Thanksgiving

Alone

Alone! Prison!

Aren't you gonna say anything?!

Hold on

Hey, so will you go with me to Aunt Honey's?

Ok, but then we're gonna have to stop by my family's, too

- Why? - Because... If my mom

ever finds out that we did yours and not hers

she'll--she'll summon a winter

that'll last a thousand years Oops. I got Jack. Hold on

Hey

Do not leave me on hold that long!

That might've been fine for Jack McFarland

but J.P. McFarph will not take this guff!

Ok, listen

I'll go to your stepdad's with you

if you go to my parents' house with me and Grace's Aunt Honey's house with her

- Ok - Cool. Hold on

- Hey - Hey

Ok, I'll go to Aunt Honey's with you if you'll go to my parents' with me

and we have to stop by Jack's stepdad's with him

Ok, you go to Aunt Honey's with me

I go to your parents' with you and Jack's stepdad's with him

And then we can go with Karen real quick to visit Stan in prison?

- Why not? - Great

- Hey - Ho

I think we got it I'll go to prison with you

if you go to my Aunt Honey's with me and Will's parents' with him

and Jack's stepdad's with him and then we'll all come back

and have a nice Thanksgiving dinner, ok?

No

- What? - I don't wanna

- But-- I-- Then - Oh, ok

- Great - Hey, ok

I think we got it I'll see you later

Right. Jack, that'll be the plan See you later

Yeah Talk to you later

Mother, can you get the door? I'm on hold

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Grace, while I got it out want to start a family?

You know what's funny about that?

- What? - No, I'm asking

- Happy Thanksgiving, people - Happy Thanksgiving

oh, what smells so good?

Well, I did a little something with the stuffing this year

- This sort of aromatic - Oh, no. Here it is

Rosario, thanks for coming Look. We're gonna be out all afternoon

so it's really important you gotta baste the turkey like

every 20 minutes or so

You told me we were going to Tony Roma's and then to a late movie

Oh, we're going to a movie

Yeah, it's a dirty flick

It's called Rosie Does Dishes

Ok. Let's get going

and let's try to keep the eating to a minimum

not spoil our appetites by gorging on everybody else's turkey

and stuffing and pecan pie

Why do you look at me when you say that?

Who should I be looking at?

Me

Ok, I figure we each get one hour We'll set this timer

and when it goes off

We're out of there no matter what

We do not respond to guilt shame, tears, or flattery

Why do you look at me when you say that?

Who should I be looking at?

Me

So, listen for the ding

That loud, piercing high-pitched sound

Why do you look at me when you say that?

We respond only to the ding because only the ding will set us free

Understand? Let's try it

Well, this piece fell off already

But if I get this knife this piece will come right off

Ok. Karen one hour

I don't mean to rush you

but if we're gonna get back in time for dinner

we've all got to stick to the plan

You gays and your discipline

No wonder you all end up in the clergy

Ok, Kar Let's go

Oh, no. That's ok, honey I'll go alone

Besides, you're not really dressed for prison

Too nice?

Sure, let's go with that

Happy Thanksgiving Mr. Walker

I brought you a turkey and if you look inside

I hid a little surprise in there for you

A chicken

What's that, hon?

You miss the kids?

Ok. Here they are

Oh, you're welcome Mr. Walker

Come on. What? Well, of course, Stanley

You can talk to me about anything

I hope you don't mind, Will I had some of your water

I didn't have a water

Not mine

And Karen doesn't drink water

Oh, my God! Rental-car-stranger water!

Oh, my God! How do I know this was water?

You know when boys go on road trips

they don't make pee-stops

They just use a water bottle Oh, my God!

Grace, don't you think you would've noticed

if you were drinking pee?

There's still 40 minutes left on the timer What happened?

Oh, we were done

There's really not much left to say after your husband tells you

he wants you to start sleeping with other people

That's intense

I did it again!

He must be kidding

What exactly did Stan say?

He said he wasn't sure how long he was gonna be

in there and it wasn't fair

to ask me to wait for him

He wants me to be sexually satisfied while he's in prison

I don't know why He certainly didn't care while he was out

Maybe it's.. It's not called cheating

if you have permission

Yeah, maybe it's just called fantastic

Well, it doesn't matter

Even if, at this very moment his cellmate is tattooing

"Property of Javier" on Stan's fat wide ass

with a hot ballpoint I'm a one-man woman!

Woman? I think you mean "lady."

Ok, listen We're getting close to Aunt Honey's

so I need to brief you

Whatever you do do not tell my mother

that Nathan and I broke up

You haven't told her?

You see how I went up at the end, like I cared?

Look, she always said that I was wasting my time with him

and there's nothing she loves more than saying

"I told you so." She's so obnoxious

She even has a little told-you-so dance

Grace, you have an I-told-you-so dance

Yeah, well... but mine's cute

Everyone thinks so

Who's everyone?

Shouldn't you be looking for a parking space?

The only good news is that my mother's still depressed

about not getting that part in Queen Lear

so there's a chance she won't sing

Am I blue?

Are these tears in my eyes tellin' you?

We'll back out real slow-like I don't think we've been spotted

- Look who it is! - Oh, hey!

- My Gracala. Come here - Aunt Honey!

I have to kiss everybody twice like in France

Hello, darling I'm very depressed

We don't have to talk about it

Ok

Sorry we're late

We had to walk a mile and a half from Will's parking space

Uh, excuse me Will's kick-ass parking space

Yeah. On the corner of "Urine" and "Crime Spree."

Ok, everyone These are my friends

Jack, Karen You all know Will

- Hello - Hi. Oh, bonjour

Ok. Oh, wonderful Oh, I love the whole kitschy thing

you got going on here

What do you mean, kitschy?

I meant Kitschy-kitschy-koo look at you

Ok. Introductions

Uncle Sid, Aunt Reba Uncle Joe, Uncle Funny

Acid reflux, I.B.S bursitis, phlebitis

Julius! And this is Julius my mom's pianist

Pianist

Hello

- Oh, uh, we've met - And so we meet again...

For the first time

So, you're the boyfriend

No, actually

I'm not the boyfriend

- He's the boyfriend - God, no!

Where's the boyfriend?

Yeah, where is the boyfriend, or

as I like to call him "It'll end in tears."

His name is Nathan, mom

and he's with his own family How are you?

Well, I guess for someone who's been kicked in the knockers

by the business that I devoted my entire life to, I'm ok

I'm ok I'm devastated

Thanks for comin

I saw that What are you taking?

Give me one I got a really bad back

I guess these things can be used for pain

So, how'd you hurt your back?

Runnin' away from good taste?

You got some mouth on you

It so happens that I strained

it during a round of passionate lovemaking with my super, Mr. Lopez

I'm committing adultery

and I had a cousin who was in a car accident

When they opened him up

can you guess what they found?

A smaller cousin?

What is that? How could they find a smaller cousin

inside my cousin?

I was really just I was just joking

Why would you joke about such a thing?

I'm telling you a story about my cousin

who was in a car accident

He's dead now, in fact

Still funny Mr. Jan Murray?

So, this super

How good are we talkin' here?

Let's just say everything in the building is broken

but I still call him "super."

I mean, there's really nothing stopping me

My husband did give me permission

Well, my husband gave me permission, too

Ever since he spent our entire nest egg on a Toyota MR2

I tell ya, Jackie

It's a rough business 10% talent, 20% looks

and 70% is luck of the draw

God, that's so depressing

I mean, you want to believe

that sexual favors play some part in it

I'll never be happy again It's over for me

I may not even audition for The Ice Person Cometh

Hey, Bobbi. Come on Cheer up

No

Huh? It's not that bad Smile a little bit

Come on, at least Nathan dumped Grace

What?

Crap

Oh, sweetheart I'm so sorry

What? What just happened? What?

How you must feel The pain

Dumped by a bran flake

What?! How do you!

Jack

Wait, Before you say anything

let me just ask you this

Sweetheart

no. Get away from me, ok?

Oh, now, come on, now

A woman needs to be with her mother at a time like this

Mom, just stay where you are Julius, will you please help?

no. I never come between a woman and her mother

I made that mistake with my first wife

What?

Oh, honey I know how awful it is

that it didn't work out for the two of you

and I'm afraid that I have to say

No Don't say it

Oh, well I think I have to say it

No, mom

I am really, really really vulnerable right now

Well, maybe I don't have to say it

- I'll just do the dance - No, mom. please

I told you so

I told you, told you told you so

You can't act!

- What? - You stink!

I just wish that I had said this to you

before your audition so that

I, too, could know the joy of saying

"I told you so."

Told you so Told ya, told ya, told ya so

Gotta go. Love you Call me tomorrow

Have a good Thanksgiving

It's the one thing I asked you not to do!

The woman was depressed

I felt it was my duty as a fellow thespian

to turn her mask of tragedy

into one of comedy

I'm gonna hurt you Right now

Hey! That's enough! It's over!

Wait, Slow down

I know it's right along here somewhere

I can never remember which building is Elliot's

Could it be that one he's standing in front of and waving?

No, that's not it

We might be on the wrong street

- Oh,Hey, Elliot - Hey, Elliot

Here My mom made you a pie

Um, she's not a very good cook

It started out a taco salad

Hey Kid Ever cheated?

once on an algebra quiz

Did it feel good?

I got a 90

Ok. fasten your seat belts, folks

You are about to meet my stepdad

A man whose cruelty is exceeded only by his inability to love

Well, that sucks

I'm just sayin' he's like ice He's the meanest man alive

Welcome! Welcome!

I'm so thrilled to finally meet Jack's friends

Hi, how are you? Good to see you

Jackie!

Father

You're looking distant and shaming

Ok

So, you must be Elliot

Nice to meet you

Please Make yourselves at home

I brought some food up I got some drinks there

I'm just so glad you're all here

As they say at my friend Sue Casa's house

mi casa es su casa

He barely knows Sue Casa

Help yourselves

Karen, want something to drink?

No. I'm thinking about cheating on Stan

That means a double vodka

So, Jack I got you a little something

I wonder what this could be Your approval?

No, doesn't feel heavy enough

Ok. So tell me, Elliot

What do you do for a living?

Uh, I go to seventh grade

Oh, that's a good job You married?

- Divorced - Me, too

I'm divorced, too I guess nobody cares about that!

Jack, it's the holidays

Let's have a little fun around here

Elliot. Can I get you some juice?

Oh, what is that supposed to be?

some, like, weird dig at me? Like, juice? Like, fruit juice?

Like, ooh, I'm gay?

Oh. Oh before I forget

I didn't have time to wrap it

but here

I hope you like... Football!

He doesn't like it at all

Yeah, I do I love football

I'm on the team at school and my mom hates it

Oh, hey, moms are supposed to hate it

Jack wasn't a big fan of it either

when he was growing up

I gave him a ball once for his birthday

and he put it in his shirt

and told everyone he was pregnant

with George Michael's baby

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