Original subtitles

You really played hard to get.

I like taking my time.

I've been let down so often.

So have I.

But you're different.

I could tell straight off.

Come on...

Make love to me, Jack.

Let's try this.

Thanks.

Shit, the condom busted.

I'm the one who should freak out.

Stop shrieking.

Cut it out.

Keep the change. Have a ball.

It's about time. You kept me waiting.

Be polite. Take off your hat for the lady.

Good day. Good lay!

So?

I feel better.

And you? I'm bored.

Bored stiff.

Me too.

She almost ripped my wienie off!

Fucking athlete's foot. It itches.

Sergeant, pass the joint.

I'm...

thirsty.

Can you...

scratch...

between my toes?

Sure.

Like this?

Hi there, handsome.

Is it true I won't walk again?

You're better off than your friends.

Is it too hot?

It's boiling hot.

Now that's a nice erection!

Good news at last.

Only my brain and balls work.

I have more good news.

I shouldn't tell you, but they're sending you home soon.

Already?

You'll see your family.

What's left of it.

Where are you from?

You won't believe me...

Lourdes. But I don't believe in miracles.

And you?

Me?

Your family?

My father has a bistro in St. Etienne.

I go there when I'm in France.

No boyfriend?

Roland. He's veryjealous.

Is that an engagement ring?

It was a present.

He gave it to me in school. We've been together since.

I keep my fingers crossed.

What does the lucky stiff do?

He's an actor.

A standup comic, of sorts.

Does he make you laugh?

A real fairy tale.

And...

a nice ejaculation!

Can I have some water?

One last mouthful.

Come on, one more.

I'd rather have a cigarette.

Just one.

Vera?

It's not funny.

It's strange...

For once your face is below mine.

It's a nice change.

I love you, Vera.

Where's Vera? Packing.

She's going on leave.

She didn't tell me.

Stop gawking. I know what you're up to.

It's yourjob!

I came to say goodbye.

He should go too. He's up to his ears in sperm.

You're right.

So long, Raph.

You'll be gone when I come back.

I like you better in uniform.

I'll miss you.

Do me, soldier boy.

Come on, wake up. It's time for a wash.

I'm in a lousy mood today.

One wrong move and I'll let you stew in yourjuices.

I have 12 more patients to clean.

He manages to be late on your first day back.

Please, Dad, don't start up.

Thatjoker of yours is a real loser.

The whole family says so. Tell her!

Mr. Diplomat!

He's right. Roland is a goofball.

He's a nice boy. What he needs is ajob.

These days, having ajob means nothing...

Hi, kid!

No, I said:

I had an audition for local TV.

There were two hundred of us!

How did it go?

I'll know next week.

How's life, Jacquot?

How are you? And you?

Doing okay? Yeah, and you?

Get an oil change.

Sorry. Forget it. It happens.

Don't move.

Honey!

Give me a break...

Hi, Granny. How are your Germans?

You can have them! Bastards!

How's the entertainer?

You only kiss twice.

What's up, Nini? Not divorced yet?

Wise ass!

Your fiancée is waiting.

You're still in one piece.

Here I am.

Here I am too.

Can we eat?

Where is it?

Where's your ring?

I must have lost it during an attack.

That's it. I was with a soldier and in the panic...

No use getting sick over it.

Roland, do a sketch.

Come on, do a sketch.

Do me...

"Welfare Days"?

Is that what you want?

Do it for me.

I'll do something

because Vera asked.

It's not a sketch. I don't have any new ones.

It's called "The Angel Leap".

An old army trick.

Should I try?

I can only do it once.

He's dead.

What did she say?

I don't know why you did that.

Guess.

I don't want to.

Could he at least get you to come?

He was just a poor kid.

I did it so he wouldn't give up.

I get it.

I kept thinking of you.

Really?

The whole time?

Stop it.

Maybe you should see other girls too.

It's no big deal.

Why don't we get married?

We'll see.

Don't go so soon.

Show some respect for my work!

I respect yours.

Where are you off to?

Me and you, can't we...

Cut the crap.

Not tonight. I'm tired.

I have the keys.

Lesson 1.

Open your central chakra.

Feel its energy.

Shyness is the enemy of pleasure.

What are you doing?

Move back!

Move back, that's dangerous!

When I first came to Paris, I had a tough time too,

but I never wanted to kill myself.

If you had decided to go through with it,

I bet you wouldn't have known why you did it.

People who commit suicide never know why.

But it's important to know why we do things.

They don't, and that's unforgivable.

I listen to relaxation music. When life gets too hard,

we have to learn to relax and take our minds off it.

And I read stuff about Buddhism, and Buddhists are no idiots.

There are things I don't understand,

but those guys have really cool things to say.

You're beautiful. I want to talk to you, to look at you.

Not to see you sliced in two, covered in blood.

I want to see you looking radiant.

In your natural state.

Listen...

you're sweet, but I want to be alone.

It's selfish to commit suicide.

The subway's about to close.

I was wondering what you're doing now.

I'm going home.

If you want, we can have a drink.

Will you be okay?

Yeah, sure.

I'll be sleeping...

in the cabaret where I work. The "Voom Voom".

Up there on the left. I can't go home, so...

If you feel like a drink...

If you feel like...

Why did you turn him down?

He's no Adonis, but he's nice enough.

Who the hell are you?

You have...

a beautiful mouth.

Some weirdo is following me.

I scared him. He ran off.

Have a seat. You want a drink?

Whatever...

What'll it be?

Whatever you feel like.

You tend bar here?

I'm no bartender. I'm an actor.

My uncle owns this place.

I'm helping him out. He has problems with his actors.

I rehearse my routine...

Why are you lying?

Why did you try killing yourself?

Take a guess.

I'm married...

He's not here.

Are the girls here nice?

A couple of them are.

You sleep with them? I just talk to them.

I want to. They don't.

They're missing out.

Thanks, but tell them instead.

How can they walk in these?

It takes practice.

Will I see you again?

I don't think so.

Is it better with your husband?

It takes practice.

See you around. I guess so.

Lesson 2.

Channel your mental energy.

Solitude can be shared.

Every woman awaits her Prince Charming.

Can I help you?

Waiting for someone?

My wife.

She's always late.

Coming here was her idea.

I have a car.

Let me drop you off somewhere.

Teach her a lesson.

Okay.

It serves her right.

Any news from the kids?

None whatsoever.

Me neither.

It doesn't matter.

You look exhausted.

There was a rugby team on my train.

I couldn't sleep.

And you?

You weren't too bored these past few days?

I was going crazy waiting for you.

I didn't think you'd come.

I stopped with my Prozac.

What are these shoes?

Hooker heels.

Why don't you get yourself a lover?

What for?

Angry?

Rocco has really grown up.

Look how he's staring at you.

That's nothing new.

But now...

he's not a kid anymore.

I may end up jealous.

Yes! Do that for me.

I think you're...

in great shape.

I've looked forward to this vacation.

I'm not sure I can keep up with you.

Really?

Can't you just try?

At least avoid stepping on my feet.

Find yourself...

another partner.

Do you mind?

A deaf mute...

Witch!

That makes three!

3 to 0.

You try! They're so fast.

They're impossible to catch!

This could be your lucky break.

The tail.

We've got it.

Enough of looking stupid.

You never look stupid to me.

How can I refuse?

I know you're here!

I'm sorry.

Excuse me...

Are you okay?

What's wrong?

Nothing. I'm tired.

Let's go home.

He's a nice kid.

Let's take him shopping in Rome.

Isn't he bored with us?

I don't think so.

Are you bored with us?

Do you get bored working on the farm?

You'd like to go away.

Your father won't let you.

You want to know what I think?

You're young.

Handsome.

You want to travel...

to see...

Rome

London

Paris.

I live in Paris.

Do you want to come to Paris with me?

Tonight.

At midnight. On the beach.

You and I will talk about Paris.

We'll drink.

Don't tell your father.

Okay?

He's not bored.

What else?

Man's business.

Con man.

What do you think about Rocco?

You're obsessed with him.

I saw you two, this afternoon,

lusting for each other.

Speak for yourself.

I wonder what he sees

in a depressed hag like you.

Get out of here.

Get out!

At your orders.

Why are you screaming?

Where is he?

Who?

Where is he?

Take a wild guess.

Isn't he cute?

Very cute.

Come out!

Degenerate hick!

Look. He almost bit off my toe.

Let's see.

A little booboo.

Well...

I don't believe it.

Are you thinking of him?

I'm not...

What's your name?

Marcel.

And you?

Carlo. Nice to meet you, Marcello.

What do you do? Besides sex hotlines.

I dress in black.

Lawyer.

Not bad...

Lawyers can come in handy.

Too late.

A question of ethics.

What do we do now?

Go out or stay in?

It depends where we go.

I don't know.

Into the night.

Into the night?

Okay. I'll come along.

To tell you the truth,

I never come to places like this.

I fear the worst.

Let's start over.

Look me in the eyes.

Sorry.

Look!

Aren't they gorgeous?

Especially him.

Give me 500 francs. I'll pay you back.

What for?

I'll tell you later.

Come for a photo shoot, Bambi.

Give me a break.

Your dick ought to be in pictures.

Get lost.

Okay, I'm going.

That'll teach me to be nice.

Take care of him.

I think he's delicate.

Have a nice trip, boys.

He's funny.

He saw right away that I'm...

new to this.

You couldn't tell he's a dealer?

Really?

You didn't notice a thing.

Open wide. What is it?

You'll see.

What is it? No one's forcing you.

It tastes awful.

How's tricks?

Great! I just threw up.

Come on, dance.

You dance. I'll watch.

Let yourself go.

You do me good.

A world of good.

Thank you.

Will it last long?

Tell me.

Who knows?

You got a rubber?

Don't worry. I'm always careful.

That's what they all say.

And with your wife?

No risk.

She hanged herself.

Sorry, man.

How did you know I was married?

Instinct.

One day I'll stop all this.

It's no good.

I think it is.

Will you lend me one?

Do you love me?

Take it easy...

It's daybreak.

Feel like crying?

It's nothing.

You're coming down.

What do you mean?

You go up, you come down. Like with everything.

So it's time to go to bed?

I'd like to move.

Where to? Goa.

Where's Goa? In India.

What about me?

You can come along.

To India?

He's with me.

This place never closes?

Ltjust opened.

Give me 1000 francs. I'll pay you back.

What for?

Mr. Dealer!

Meet me at the bar.

Hurry, okay?

Hurry!

Having fun? It's to die for!

I live nearby. I want you.

I know.

Here. I scored.

Scored? Go to the bathroom.

Keep this!

Is it good?

Wonderful!

Give me the shit. What shit?

The coke. I took it all.

All of it?

What about me? It's wonderful!

Dance!

Get lost.

Come on, old geezer, go home to bed.

Those are nice dolls.

"He was a poor kid. It was so he wouldn't give up."

You have to learn to live with the virus.

It can't stop you from doing things.

The show must go on.

I'm doing my first oneman show in a community center,

just outside of Paris...

No way!

Hi, kid brother! What's up?

Why are you here?

I wanted to see your movie on cable.

Interested in my career now?

How was the shoot?

Same old thing.

By the way...

How did you get in? The bathroom.

The concierge wasn't in! What a pain!

Don't scream at me. I hurt my hand.

You're bleeding. Let's see.

It's nothing.

What's that? A wedding ring.

Here... it's yours.

Real gold.

Who gave it to you? A dead man.

It'll bring me good luck.

Not bad. I never saw this one.

Nothing special. The guys are tacky.

What about Paprika?

She doesn't hold a dildo to you.

What an ass.

Seriously,

only you get myjuices flowing.

Let's see.

Do you mind if I jerk off?

Who, me?

Deep down,

you're like every other guy.

What?

You disgust me.

I have to shut up too?

I can't concentrate.

Look.

Disgusting! I love it.

This is torture.

One more!

Lise...

Tomorrow I'm leaving.

Good, because you can't stay here.

I'm leaving for good.

Lend me some money.

Just for the ticket.

Don't worry.

Your Prince Charming will be loaded.

I'll never forgive you!

Want to bet?

Paprika's getting married to her plastic surgeon.

She's lucky.

It got me thinking.

I've made a big decision.

After the next movie, I'm getting out.

I can't stand it anymore.

Which means,

we'll have to cut down on expenses.

I may not be able to afford such a deluxe clinic.

I hate that look. Wear these.

So,

is he the new boy?

It's a real shame.

Your husband?

Not at all.

My kid brother.

I'm Michael.

Lise.

What are you doing in here?

Once in a while, I check in for sleep therapy.

To get over...

to get over women.

It must be awful.

It is.

It's awful.

You have...

a beautiful mouth.

Oh yeah?

See you around.

A crackpot put the make on me.

Marcel!

Where were you yesterday?

I was working.

What do you do?

Assembly line. I make porno films.

That must be exhausting.

It is. And very boring.

I can imagine.

What do you do on the outside?

I don't do anything.

I'm a degenerate.

I'm trying to squander my family's fortune.

But it's hard sometimes.

Get some help.

I know.

I can't find my one true love.

Don't despair. Every ball has its chain.

Lise?

Yes, Michael?

Can I touch you a little?

Yes. You asked so nicely.

Thanks.

That's nice.

I barely feel a thing.

I take that as a compliment.

You can.

You know...

ever since we met,

I've wanted you.

Me too.

And now?

Even more.

But we can't.

Why not?

We're not enough in love yet.

Are you angry?

On the contrary.

There's no reason for you to be locked up.

Sometimes I feel the same way.

Here.

What?

Nothing.

Nothing at all.

Look at this.

"I had no future and then I saw her.

"Before I met Marie, I was lonely and desperate."

This crap sucks.

I have to go.

I'll give Paprika your love.

So long, honey.

See you tomorrow.

Shit! You did it again!

I'll get a nurse

to change you.

Thank me, little brother.

What are you doing here?

I'm escaping.

Good move.

Anything wrong?

No.

A small family problem.

Did you dress up for me?

I had... a wedding to go to.

I love weddings.

Can I come too?

Max Schreck and Jeanine Bouvier,

you are making a lifelong pact before God and before man

by uttering one sole word.

We have all uttered this word

which has bound our lives.

Dearly beloved,

use this moment to ask ourselves

what has become of each "yes" we have uttered.

Before those present

and before God,

exchange your vows.

Jeanine,

will you be my wife?

Yes, I will.

Max, will you be my husband?

I will.

You are now linked in matrimony.

You move me.

I like that.

May the Lord bless your union

and keep you on the path of love and fidelity.

Driver!

You're an ace!

Kiss your exstuds goodbye.

I finally nabbed my doctor.

Does he beat you?

It's a bad facelift. But check out my boobs!

Your stud is the weird one!

He's not my stud.

He's my man.

He's still a weirdo.

Stop. Let me.

I'm dying to.

Aren't we having fun?

Aren't we in love?

I'm going back to the clinic.

Too late.

I've always wanted to be one man's bitch.

Go on...

Fuck it...

I think I love you.

What's that doing here?

Put it outside.

He's hungry or sick.

He may be sick!

It stinks.

Change it.

You do it. No, you.

What do I do?

You need a diaper.

I found one.

I have to tell you something.

I sort of kill women.

No way.

Want me to show you?

Please, don't!

Wait.

Let me do it.

What do we do now?

We can have kids and...

watch them grow up, arm in arm,

till death do us part.

Finish the job.

Do me...