Original subtitles

(pleasant flute music)

(wind howling)

[Man] Woo!

(pleasant music)

(faint beat music)

(exciting marching band music)

Hey, you clumsy klutz!

Father, where have you been?

Oh, out and about.

I wish you wouldn't go wondering off all the time.

What is he doing here?

Ernie thought he'd join us, isn't that nice?

It's a beautiful night.

You could've found better company.

What did you say?

Oh, father, please!

Here, Grandpops,

go buy yourself a Tutti frutti.

Get lost, Mr. Toad.

Oh, sorry, Node.

[Woman] Father!

All aboard, take them through, Mr. Skull!

Only two dollars for the most terrifying ride here,

with Mr. Bones!

Step right up now, come on, sir!

And the lovely lady, you look like a lovely couple!

Thank you, only two dollars.

All aboard, make sure you give Mr. Skull your ticket!

Hurry, two dollars!

Come on now, children, each and every one!

(Grandpa laughing) A lovely thrill!

(creatures howling)

(woman cackling)

(skeleton laughing)

Stop it!

Sit down!

(girl screaming)

It's not real.

It is!

(Grandpa yelling)

(couple screaming)

What the?

Not you again.

Look, I'm terribly sorry.

Come on, you old fool.

- Out of here. - I didn't mean any harm.

I was only pretending.

You crazy wacko!

Why don't you just go back to the geriatrics?

(Grandpa yelping)

(ominous music)

Someone call an ambulance, quick!

Keep back, keep back!

My God, I think that's Father.

He's just had a bit of a fall, lady.

Father?

Speak to me, Father, speak to me!

Leah,

where am I?

It's all right.

You had a wee fall, that's all.

No, no, no!

- Just lie still. - No, no, no.

(Leah shushing)

Lie still.

Everything's gonna be fine.

(mystical music)

(airplane whooshing)

(tires screeching)

Hey!

Hey, Lonny, how's America?

You know, pretty cool.

Yeah.

Pretty cool!

I like that.

Yeah, it's good to see you, eh.

Yeah.

Man, you're really tall now.

Goin up.

Here we are.

Let's shove all this stuff in the back.

(car whooshing)

Lonny, how're your mom and dad?

Oh, they're great.

And they send you and Grandpa their love.

Aw, that's nice.

Where is Grandpa?

I thought he'd be at the airport.

Your granddad hasn't been well lately, dear.

He had a little turn last week.

Oh.

Will he be okay?

Praise God, he will be, yes.

Anyway, he's home now

and really looking forward to seeing you.

That's good.

I really missed him, you know, Kanziora?

He's about my favorite cool guy.

And you're not so bad yourself.

(Leah laughing)

Oh, you boys are gonna have a wonderful time, I know.

(gentle guitar music)

(crickets chirping)

Here we are.

It's great to be back, Aunt Leah.

Such a wild old house, eh, Kanziora?

Yeah.

Can I go up and see Grandpa first?

Of course you can.

But be very quiet because he may be asleep.

I will.

Come on, Kanziora.

(gentle guitar music)

(ominous music)

Grandpa?

Are you awake?

Gotcha!

(Grandpa laughing)

Grandpa.

Oh Lonny, my boy, let me look at you.

You've grown into such a fine young man.

- Grandpa? - Yeah?

You remember Kanziora from last summer.

Hello.

Yeah, Kanziora, how are you?

I'm good.

Oh, that's wonderful, wonderful!

So how're you feeling then, Grandpa?

Oh, since you guys got here, much, much better.

Now, come on, let's all sit down on the bed, huh?

So we can see each other.

(Grandpa laughing)

It's awfully dark in here.

Shall I turn on a light?

No, no, no, no.

See, when you turn on the light, that's what hurts my eyes.

I have a better idea.

Why don't you go open up the curtains

and the French doors and let in some air, okay?

Good boy, yeah.

She never lets me open them up.

Such a silly old woman.

(Grandpa laughing)

(ominous music)

Oh, that's much better.

Looks like a beautiful night out there.

Yeah.

There's a big moon and everything.

Is there?

Oh, I sure would love to see it.

Come on, boys, give me a hand up.

Come on, now.

Each of you grab a hand now, let's go, one, two, three.

(Grandpa laughing)

Here we go, Grandpa.

Yes, here we go.

Ah, yes.

We're gonna see what the wondrous night has to offer us.

Yeah, yeah.

(mystical music)

Magnificent.

Magnificent!

A truly wondrous sight.

Oh.

I'll tell you boys, that,

that is the essence of all life.

Ugh.

I'm all right.

- I'm all right. - What's going on in here?

Father, get back into bed immediately.

Oh no.

Sausage and chips again?

Revolting muck!

You two boys, your tea's on the table downstairs.

Eat it while it's hot.

Kanziora, catch.

Stop showing off!

Just behave yourself.

There you go.

He didn't like it either.

(Grandpa laughing)

Oh.

Ah!

Grosser than gut soup.

Choice.

You can't be serious.

I love tomato sauce.

Do you want some?

Okay, if you insist.

(bottle farting)

(boys laughing)

(door clicking)

Hi.

Good day, boys.

How're you doing?

You got a spare snarl for your Uncle Ernie?

Did you have a good flight?

It wasn't bad.

Is she upstairs with the old beggar?

Yes.

Good on you.

I think I'll have another one of those snarlers.

They're bloody delicious.

Is he really your uncle?

No.

Lonny?

Huh?

Do you think Ernie and your aunt are doing it?

What?

[Kanziora] Do you?

Man, anything's possible.

Yuck!

(boys giggling)

Lonny, I got something really weird to show you.

Do you wanna see?

Sure.

Where'd you find these?

They fell out of a book from last summer.

But look...

There's none of your grandfather.

Strange, eh?

He was sitting in that chair, remember?

So?

Well, where's he gone?

People just don't disappear from photos, do they?

Wow.

How're you two boys getting on in here?

Aunt Leah, look at this.

Grandpa was down in the garden when we took these.

He was sitting in that chair.

But it's empty now.

Huh.

(ominous music)

How...

very odd.

(Leah laughing)

Probably just a trick of the light, boys.

Now finish up and [I'll get you some ice cream.

(ominous music)

(birds chirping)

But Lonny,

there is something strange going on.

I know there is.

Did you see your aunt's face when she saw the photos?

Oh man, you have got an over-stimulated imagination

which usually leads to madness.

Madness, Kanziora, ha, ha, ha!

Does not.

That house gives me the creeps.

Don't you feel it?

Madness, ha, ha, ha!

(coyotes howling)

Listen.

Did you hear that?

Coo-Coo, COO-COO, COO-COO.

Lonny, in this book I've been reading,

it says in the mountains of Carpathia,

the birds sing at night.

Uh huh.

Sure.

Look, I gotta get some shut-eye.

I'm really beat.

How about I come over in the morning?

Okay.

Dream weird.

I will.

See you later, mashed potato.

In awhile, crocodile.

(foreboding music)

(birds chirping)

(gentle piano music)

Sweet dreams, child.

(Grandpa whooping)

(eerie music)

[Grandpa] Woo!

Woo, woo, woo!

(ominous music)

(creature howling)

(birds chirping)

[Girl] Go away!

Mom, Ben's got a dead possum!

Hello, stranger.

Hi, Mrs. Kanziora.

How's your aunt, Lonny?

She's fine.

Hi, Mr. Kanziora.

Good day, Lonny, good to have you back, son.

She's a marvelous lady, living in that big old house

with her sick father.

I'll grab the boards.

[Girl] Go away!

And you're out here on your own this time?

Yeah, Dad's gone on tour in Europe with the Philharmonic,

so my mom and my little bother have gone with him.

Mmmm.

Derek, listen to what Lonny's saying.

It's very interesting.

[Derek] What's that?

Let's go.

Bye.

You be careful, you boys, swim between the flags.

[Derek] Have fun!

(faint coyote howling)

(seagulls squawking)

Wow!

Far out.

Wait.

I couldn't sleep last night

thinking about those photos and everything.

They don't come out.

Who?

Vampires.

Vampires?

They don't.

You can't take photos of them or see them in mirrors.

I've been doing some reading.

Oh, man.

You Kiwis are real fruitcakes.

Are not, it's true, Lonny!

Grandpa Cooger, a vampire?

Kanziora, you have truly flipped out, man.

Last one in is a double dork!

(exciting electric guitar music)

Come on!

[Kanziora] Woo!

(water splashing)

[Lonny] Yee-haw!

[Kanziora] Woo!

- Yah! - Kanziora!

(water splashing)

[Kanziora] Woo!

[Lonny] Wow!

Woo!

Hey, Lonny, do you feel like paying

your grandfather a visit later?

You mean check out if he's been sucking neck?

Yeah.

There's only one way to find out if he's really a vampire.

Take him some garlic.

They really hate that.

Or some holy water.

We could steal it from a Catholic church.

We could sprinkle it on his cornflakes.

What do you reckon, Lonny?

Let's do it.

Come on.

Say yes, please.

Okay.

But I'm having nothing to do with it.

This is your scam, man.

Cool.

Ugh.

(silly music)

You keep watch.

You know what, man?

You're insane.

I'm not.

I'm just being scientific, that's all.

Yes, professor.

(faint organ music)

(foreboding music)

Well, well, well.

What's happening here, boy?

Nothing.

Honest.

Is that a fact?

What's that you're hiding from me?

Just a chocolate milkshake?

Chocolate milkshake.

(ominous music)

Show me, boy.

You wouldn't be telling lies, would you?

Not in God's house.

Then show me, boy, oh!

(water splattering)

(exciting music)

Let's get out of here!

Hold it!

Come back here, will you?

His heartbeat is very faint today.

I could hardly hear it.

His time has come.

Yes, my dear, it has.

(Leah sighing)

I think you're possessed of enormous courage.

Thank you.

If there's any change, I suggest you ring Dr. Goldblatter.

I will.

- All right. - Yes.

(foreboding music)

(eerie music)

Grandpa?

Are you all right?

I see you!

(Grandpa laughing)

Don't be frightened, come on in.

Yeah, Kanziora, light the candle.

Yeah, it is a bit dark in here.

(Grandpa chuckling)

(ominous music)

Oh, excuse me, yes.

Yeah, excuse me, yeah.

Now, that's much better, isn't it?

So how are you feeling, Grandpa?

Oh, I tell you, when I get a visit from you boys,

I feel a 100 years younger.

Is that dreadful man gone?

Which man, Grandpa?

Ernie Node?

Rhymes with Toad.

(Grandpa laughing)

You know, he comes barging in here like he owns this place.

I mean, there's a no-hoper.

I'll tell you something,

I do not know what your aunt sees in a guy like him.

I'll tell you, you know, in my day,

you know what he called guys like him?

Slime balls.

(boys laughing)

Oh, your laughter is music to my ears.

You know, I don't have fun anymore.

You know, she won't even let me play Papageno?

I have an idea.

Lonny, why don't you turn on the tape recorder, huh?

It's his favorite music, the magic flute.

Yeah.

Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart.

Oh.

He was a beautiful boy.

(pleasant classical music)

(grandpa singing foreign language)

(fire whooshing)

Wow.

It's magic.

(fire whooshing)

(fire whooshing)

(pleasant classical music)

(fire whooshing)

(Kanziora laughing)

(fire fizzling)

(boys clapping)

All right!

(Lonny hooting)

(boys laughing)

(light whooshing)

(ominous music)

(Grandpa groaning)

Come on, Grandpa, you'll be all right.

There you go.

(Grandpa groaning)

Grandpa?

Grandpa?

Oh no.

Aunt Leah, come quick!

Grandpa, say something.

Aunt Leah!

Grandpa!

(curtain whooshing)

What happened, Lonny?

He just collapsed.

Didn't he, Kanziora?

Father?

Father?

Please,

leave now.

Father, come back.

Oh.

(dramatic music)

Did you see the teeth?

Fangs, man!

Fangs!

That was crazy.

(Lonny shushing)

Kanziora, look,

the old guy is really sick.

So just cool it, please.

I'm sorry, Lonny.

But he'll be all right.

I know he will.

Yeah.

I hope so.

(birds chirping)

Ha, ha!

Man, you are so useless!

Am not!

Come on,

try me, I'm ready for it.

Easy out, easy out.

Bozo!

Get the ball, bozo!

[Kanziora] I am!

[Ernie] Leah.

Oh, Ernie!

I got you a little something.

Oh.

You shouldn't have.

How lovely.

What's happening?

(Kanziora shushing)

(boys laughing)

Pervert.

Moonlight chocolates.

Oh, Ernie.

(boys laughing)

(Grandpa screaming)

That's father.

Come on.

Do you think we should?

Yeah!

(ominous music)

He's gone, Lonny.

It's a blessing.

A real blessing.

(gentle music)

Farewell, Father.

(dramatic music)

(crickets chirping)

I better go now.

Mom will be wondering where I am.

(Lonny sniffling)

He was a nice old guy, eh?

I'm really sorry what I said about him,

being a vampire and all that stuff.

That's okay.

He sure knew how to do magic, eh?

That was really cool.

Yeah.

Look, I better go in now.

Be with Aunt Leah.

Okay.

See you later, mashed potato.

In awhile, crocodile.

(gentle music)

(bird hooting)

Lonny!

You don't need to worry about him.

He's being very brave.

Here he is now.

Who is it?

Hello?

Mom.

Oh, Ma, it's so sad about Grandpa.

We were having such a great time together.

I'm really gonna miss him.

Yeah, I'm okay.

Please, don't worry about me.

So, how are Bobby and Dad?

Say hi.

Okay.

Bye, Mom.

I love you too.

(Lonny crying)

(dramatic music)

(ocean waves whooshing)

"Of all the creatures

"that lurk in the mists of the imagination,

"none is more powerful nor magnificent than the vampire.

"These wandering undead live in a world of darkness

"where they are trapped for all eternity.

(creature growling) (thunder rumbling)

"Some vampires, however,

"draw a source of power from the rays of the full moon,

"said by many to be the essence of all existence.

(thunder rumbling)

"It is not a well-known fact that some vampires

"attempt to lead a normal human life

"but this is often with considerable difficulty,

"since they are all nocturnal creatures

"and have unorthodox cravings."

Wow.

Christopher!

Mom wants you to go down to the shop to get some milk.

Now!

Pathetic monsters!

They'll rot your brain.

Go away!

Hey, did you know that me, Brigit and Serena

were going in for the teen talent time down at the carnival?

It's a hundred bucks first prize.

- (phone ringing) - Leave me alone, would you?

[Mom] Christopher,

phone!

Okay.

(faint radio chattering)

Hello?

[Lonny] Kanziora, it's me.

Hi.

[Lonny] Hey, you're invited to the wake.

The what?

[Lonny] Aunt Leah says you can come

to the party for Grandpa.

Wear a suit and tie.

Gotta go, bye.

Bye.

Mom, do I have a suit and tie?

(Mom chuckling)

Whatever for?

[Kanziora] I'm invited to a party.

Oh, that's nice, dear, whose?

[Kanziora] Lonny's grandfather's.

It's a funeral party.

Oh, Dad!

Thank you for everything.

Thank you for coming.

Goodbye, Martha.

Sad.

Very sad.

Hello, Kanziora, how are you?

[Kanziora] Fine, thanks.

Aw.

In you go.

(faint organ music)

(people chattering)

(faint singing)

[Lonny] So, did you know my grandfather well?

I knew him well.

And he wouldn't want you to be sad.

Chin up.

Excuse me.

Oi, good day, mate!

What'd you say?

I've been practicing my Kiwi accent.

It's not, "Oi, good day, mate."”

It's, hi, good day, mate.

Lonny!

Go and get your friend a nice drink.

Something festively funereal.

[Lonny] Come on.

My nephew's friend.

Come to pay his respects to Father.

- We got Coke. - Isn't that nice?

[Lonny] In a bowl...

With these dead goobers floating in it.

Mind the midgets.

The midgets are coming through.

(people laughing)

(smooth jazz music)

My God.

This is wilder than the feeding time at the LA zoo.

She's coming over.

(Kanziora crunching)

- Hey, darling. - (Lonny laughing)

How are you?

All right, eh?

How you doing?

- Bloody bonds of beauty, huh? - Whoa!

- Ugh. - Oh!

(woman laughing) (man groaning)

Sorry.

Oh, that's all right, son.

Oh, Senior Sergeant,

are you all right?

Yes, yes, yes, we're fine, thanks.

I don't think you know my nephew.

Lonny from California

and his friend, Kanziora.

Hi, good day, mate!

This is Senior Sergeant Dicky Ticker,

our local constable, and his wife...

Winona.

Winona.

Frightfully jolly wake.

Oh.

Now your father, he was an absolutely marvelous man.

[Leah] Thank you so much.

I've never seen a real live corpse up close before.

(eerie organ music)

(Kanziora sniffing)

He pongs a bit, eh?

She's been sprinkling room deodorizer over him.

That is gnarly.

Lonny, can I check something out?

What?

Just stand beside me for a minute, okay?

[Lonny] Don't.

Bingo.

Lonny!

Get away from that coffin.

Somebody's already tipped a plate of stuffed eggs over him.

Be respectful of the dead, child.

One day, it'll be you in there.

Let's get out of here

before I barf all over my shoes.

(people chattering)

(crickets chirping)

Are you all right, Lonny?

You look very strange.

This is getting weird, man.

What did I tell you?

You wouldn't believe me.

Butt out, would you?

It's just not possible.

They're not real, those fangs.

Grandpa's dead!

He's dead!

I've been doing some research,

and according to my books, they don't die.

Who?

Vampires, dummy.

The only way you can kill them is

to drive a stake right through their heart.

So he's not dead, right?

Is that what you're saying?

He can't be.

They're Nosferatu.

The undead.

Ah, there you are, Lonny.

Well, the last of the guests has just gone.

It all went wonderfully well, didn't it?

What a beautiful evening.

His last on this island earth.

It's very sad for me, Lonny.

Terribly sad, I shall miss him so much.

Yes, Aunt.

Well,

I just have to pop over to Ernie's place for a little while.

I'm sure you boys can amuse yourself, is that all right?

Yes, Aunt, we'll be fine.

I'm sure you will.

Yes, well there's plenty of food in there if you're hungry.

So, bye-bye.

I'm starved.

I knew you were gonna say that.

(ominous music)

(creature howling)

(silly synthesizer music)

Hey, this is great.

Check it out.

Let's do some tunes.

(upbeat synthesizer music)

Hey,

you want some of this chocolate cake?

It's delicious.

Have a go over here.

Cool.

(exciting synthesizer music)

Everybody!

(exciting synthesizer music)

Yeah!

Chopsticks.

Yeah.

(gentle "Chopsticks" music)

(ominous organ synthesizer music)

Lonny,

what's happening to my fingers?

I can't stop playing!

Me neither!

(ominous organ synthesizer music)

(creatures howling)

(dramatic organ music)

(steam hissing)

(Grandpa snarling)

(sinister organ music)

(Grandpa snarling)

(eerie music)

Bravo, bravo, bravo!

(boys screaming)

No, no.

Don't be afraid.

It's me, Cooger,

your grandfather.

You know, I have you to thank for this.

You have awoken me with your strength,

your vitality, your energy, your vulnerability

and that which feeds the soul its nocturnal sustenance.

No.

You're not real!

You're not!

Kanziora, this is a major nightmare.

I can't handle it, get me out of here!

It's okay, Lonny.

Really, it's okay.

Lonny, dear Lonny, forgive me for frightening you.

But I can't help it.

It's the way I am.

Kanziora understands, don't you, boy?

Yes.

He'll be all right, Mr. Cooger.

I think he's just the nervous type.

Bite your ass!

(Grandpa laughing)

But...

Why are you a...

A vampire.

Vampire!

I'm not ashamed.

We are who we are.

But they make movies about you.

Hey, Lonny?

Yeah, right!

And you go around scaring people to death!

And bitting them and turning them into vampires.

And you have blood dripping from your mouths.

(Grandpa laughing)

Oh, that's a good one.

Yeah, but I hate to disappoint you.

Movies are not real.

Your dreams are real.

Your imagination is more powerful than any movie!

Well, have you ever sucked people's blood?

Kanziora, what a dumb question!

Please, don't even mention that word.

Boys,

you see before you an ancient man

whose time on this planet is slipping away.

But I was different.

You see, I chose to live a human life.

The path from birth to decay

and death.

But I should've known.

We always return.

Permit me to introduce myself.

(Grandpa laughing)

I am...

your humble servant, Denock,

a vampire of innocent origin

from the 18th century.

(pleasant music)

Lonny,

Kanziora,

can I interest you, perhaps,

in a little music

and magic to remember me by, huh?

Come.

Come.

Take my hand, come.

(pleasant classical music)

Lonny, come, you remember.

Mozart!

Huh?

(pleasant foreign language classical music)

And now we go out into the night.

(mystical music)

(wind howling)

(pleasant music)

(wind whooshing)

Oh no!

(boys screaming)

- To us, dear Leah. - (pleasant violin music)

A wonderful life alone.

(Grandpa yelping)

(boys yelling)

(Lonny screaming)

(Leah gasping)

Oh!

Phew.

What happened?

We fell out of the sky.

Oh dear, how the mighty have fallen.

Can you get up?

Yeah.

This is someone's place.

Let's get out of here!

Yeah.

Are you okay?

Yes.

Can you walk?

No problem.

No problem.

Who the hell's there?

Oh no.

It's Ernie the nerd!

Think you're bloody smart, do you?

Watch this.

Dirty beggars, eh?

Well come on then!

I'll take you on, one at a time!

And I'll knock your bloody blocks off!

(ominous tempo music)

(sinister music)

Boo!

Get away from me, you bloody demon!

(Ernie groaning)

(Grandpa laughing)

(Ernie whimpering)

(silly music)

(boys laughing)

Ernie!

What are you...

(Ernie crying) doing?

Ernie!

Ernie, speak to me!

What is it, love?

What's the matter?

Get up!

The old bastard's still alive!

(ominous music)

(creature howling)

(pleasant foreign language classical music)

[Lonny] Grandpa, can't you go any faster?

No.

Too weak, too old, I must rest.

Man, I'm gonna get it this time.

We gotta get him back home before she finds out.

Listen, boys, I can't go there!

I wanna be part of the ancient way again.

But Grandpa, you can hardly walk.

Lonny, dear Lonny,

please, don't take me home.

Terrible things will happen there.

I wanna live.

I wanna fly like Peter Pan with you boys

and we will have such great adventure.

Huh?

Help me.

Save me.

Please?

Come on, Kanziora, you got all the bright ideas.

Where can we take him?

Come on, think.

I know.

There's an old shed down in the garden.

Perfect.

A shed?

How humiliating.

(pleasant flute music)

(ocean waves sloshing)

(crickets chirping)

[Ernie] Come on, Leah, you can tell me.

Oh Ernie,

it probably was Father out there.

You see, he's not exactly one of us.

You're having me on.

Oh, watch the road!

Jesus Christ!

You're telling me that your old man's a bloody vampire!

It's our family's darkest secret.

You see, he's been alive for over 200 years.

But, Ernie, the unspeakable has happened.

Now that he is dead,

he could return to being a true vampire.

You're not one of them, are you?

Mercifully not.

So glad to hear it.

Well there's one way to stop those jokers.

I've seen it on TV.

Worth's a treat every time.

Stake clean through the heart.

- (Leah gasping) - What are you saying?

Certainly not!

No, that's no way to treat my father.

Leah, he's a monster.

My father is not a monster!

He's a bloody vampire!

You know what those bastards get up to, don't you, eh?

They're only after one thing.

Blood!

I'll show you, Leah.

A good old stake through the heart

will shut the beggar up for good, eh?

(Leah crying)

(engine rumbling)

[Lonny] Help me, Kanziora.

(crickets chirping)

(silly music)

Oh no!

It's Aunt Leah's car.

(Grandpa yelping)

That was close, eh?

Uh oh.

Where's Grandpa gone?

I don't know.

Grandpa, where are you?

[Grandpa] I'm over here!

Get me out!

(boys laughing)

Get me out!

(pleasant flute music)

[Kanziora] I hope mom and dad don't hear us.

(pleasant flute music)

(Grandpa groaning)

(Kanziora shushing)

You have to be real quiet.

(Kanziora shushing)

(pleasant flute music)

You'll be safe here, Grandpa.

Eh, Kanziora?

Yeah.

This coat will keep you warm.

Oh.

This is quite cozy.

[Lonny] We'll come and see you tomorrow, okay?

Yeah, but don't go out, will you?

Please, Grandpa, stay here.

Promise?

(Grandpa coughing)

What is it?

Garlic.

Would you mind?

Makes me quite nauseous.

(garlic thudding)

Kanziora, I gotta get going.

Okay.

Wish me luck.

Just be cool, man, that's all.

Was a great night, wasn't it?

The best, man.

The best.

Grandpa, we're going now.

So, nighty night.

Night.

Sleep tight.

Don't let the vampire bite.

(Grandpa laughing)

Ah.

(Grandpa singing tune)

(chainsaw buzzing)

Lonny!

Where have you been?

Aunt Leah.

I've been up at Kanziora's, why?

Something dreadful's happened.

Your grandfather's body has just disappeared.

Really?

Uh...

How?

We don't exactly know but it's not there.

Did you see anybody enter the house after we left?

No.

Are you sure?

Yeah, honest.

Look, can I go to bed?

I'm really wiped out.

Oh, of course, dear.

You run along and I'll be up in a minute

to turn off the light.

Goodnight, everybody.

Goodnight, dear.

(hammer thudding)

(ominous music)

(Grandpa snarling)

(nails tapping)

(ominous music)

Go away.

Please, go away.

Thirsty.

Thirsty!

(Kanziora groaning)

Thirsty!

Good boy, yeah.

More.

Just one more, okay?

[Dad] Who's there?

Just getting a drink!

[Dad] Eh?

Dad's coming!

(door thudding)

What's all the bloody noise out here?

(crickets chirping)

Stay here.

I know what to do.

(silly music)

You out here, Christopher?

What the?

Hey,

wake up, son.

Hey.

Wakey, wakey.

You all right?

Where?

Where am I?

You've been having a bit of a walk in your sleep.

Funny wee man, aren't you?

Eh?

All right?

Come on, back to bed.

Oh dear, I should get back to the shed, yes.

(silly music)

Hello,

can I speak to Lonny, please?

No, no, I'm sorry Kanziora, he's busy today.

Can I talk to him?

Goodbye.

Why?

You're not going anywhere today, Lonny,

till I've sorted out this terrible business.

But why, that's not fair.

While you're in my house, child, you'll do as you're told.

Understood?

Yes, Aunt Leah.

Swear to God you know nothing about this.

Swear on the Almighty's name.

You wouldn't lie to me, would you?

No, Aunt Leah, I swear it.

Good boy.

Now, finish your breakfast and make your bed.

Today, you'll play in the garden.

Okay.

And if I'm really, really good,

can I go swimming later?

We'll see.

♪ What am I gonna do for my red opu ♪

♪ It's so very sore, I don't know what to do ♪

♪ This, my little sisters, just look at all my blisters ♪

♪ Let them be a warning to you ♪ (lawnmower puttering)

Hey, Christopher.

Where's your American friend, then?

We wanna meet him.

Yes, he sounds real spunk.

Busy!

Tammy said he looks like River Phoenix.

I did not.

[Serena] Did so.

Liar.

Come on, let's start again.

Okay.

(mower buzzing)

♪ What am I gonna do for my red opu ♪

[Kanziora] Mr. Cooger.

[Dad] Christopher, where the hell are you?

[Ben] He's in there, Dad!

[Dad] What're you doing?

Just looking for something.

[Dad] Get outside and empty the catcher!

There's work to be done, you lazy little beggar!

Now come on!

Okay!

Listen, boy, I can't stay here.

It's too dangerous.

I gotta be some place that's abandoned and dark.

I'm sorry, Mr. Cooger.

Can you wait just a little while longer?

♪ It's so very sore, I don't know what to do ♪

(ball thudding)

Dreadful racket!

Don't worry, I've got a plan.

[Derek] Christopher!

For the last time, get your lazy ass out here!

[Kanziora] Coming!

(lawnmower buzzing)

Has anyone seen Christopher?

What the hell is the matter with that boy?

He's been acting strange all morning.

Did he really go sleepwalking last night, Dad?

I found him in the middle of the flowerbed.

(Mom laughing)

Ben, darling, will you go and find Christopher?

Tell him to get ready, would you?

Christopher!

Get ready!

Come on!

I'm coming!

Now!

Go away!

Hurry, come on. (Grandpa groaning)

(birds chirping)

Are you all right?

(Grandpa grunting)

Can you breath?

(Grandpa grunting)

Here they come!

(silly music)

[Mom] Christopher!

(car whooshing)

Mom, what's that funny smell?

I don't smell anything.

It's your bum.

(Ben laughing)

Be quiet.

It's revolting like moldy chops.

Christopher, did you invite Lonny to the barbecue tonight?

He's not allowed out.

Isn't that so sad.

Mmm.

(Grandpa groaning)

What was that?

He did a big fart!

(Kanziora shushing)

Easy, Ben.

(silly music)

(smooth tempo music)

(vacuum cleaner buzzing)

(smooth tempo music)

(slap smacking)

The heat!

Light!

Get me out.

I'm starting to feel very strange.

How strange?

Please don't do anything strange.

Not here.

Just hang on, Mr. Cooger, would you?

Get me out!

I need darkness!

The cave!

The cave!

Boy, take me to the cave!

(ocean waves whooshing)

Help me, Kanziora,

I need darkness!

The cave!

The cave!

What's happened?

Am I glad to see you.

Where is he?

In the boot.

The boot?

Oh, you mean the trunk.

Man, I've got something to tell you.

Ernie the nerd's been making stakes.

They really wanna slam one through his heart.

What?

Yeah, for real.

We gotta hide him real good this time.

They're out looking for him now.

Lonny, we can't tell him they wanna stake him.

Why not?

He's gotta know.

No, don't you see?

We gotta protect him, look after him.

We said we would.

He needs us.

If we tell him, he'd probably start biting people.

(Lonny shushing)

He'll hear us.

Please, Lonny, don't tell him.

Sure, buddy, I won't.

(silly music)

Come on, Grandpa, walk.

(Grandpa groaning)

(Grandpa groaning)

- Hey! - Hey!

Oh no!

What?

Girls!

Let's go this way.

Come on!

(women yelping)

Oh my God, Hilda!

It's a corpse!

Sorry, lady.

(woman screaming)

Come on, Grandpa.

You'll be all right.

- Not far to go. - Not sun.

Not sun.

What do you want?

Who's this?

My grandpa.

Mind your own business.

He fell all over those ladies.

Yeah, we saw it all.

(girls giggling)

Doesn't he like the sun?

Come on, Lonny.

Where you going?

Can we come?

No!

(Grandpa groaning)

[Grandpa] Too much sun.

Oh.

Excuse me.

You're Kanziora's sister, aren't you?

Yeah, Tammy.

Well, I'm Leah Cooger, Lonny's aunt.

Tell me, have you seen the boys about today?

(girls giggling)

Yeah, we have.

They're down at the beach, eh.

Yes?

With some funny old guy all wrapped up like a mummy.

Like a mummy?

He looked dead, eh?

Did you see where they went?

They're headed off towards the caves.

Thank you very much!

(girls giggling)

(silly music)

(Grandpa groaning)

Here we are.

Oh, this is more like it, yeah.

Now, boys, if you'll just help me get down.

Oh.

Ugh.

Oh, I tell you,

what an endurance test.

Grandpa,

we'll go and get you some food.

Good.

Yeah, you'll get very hungry here.

And...

perhaps a little alcoholic refreshment?

Yeah, I can get you some booze.

Good, good, you see,

for my poor circulation in the extremities.

(Grandpa laughing)

Now,

I must rest.

Too much excitement for one day.

We'll come back later, okay?

Good,

and after sunset, and do be careful.

We will.

Don't you worry about us.

And please remember the poor circulation.

(Grandpa laughing)

Oh.

Oh.

(phone ringing)

Hello?

Oh, Senior Sergeant Ticker.

Who?

Oh, yes, I remember her.

Tallish woman in a polka dot frock.

She what?

Oh, there must be some mistake.

She swears it was him?

Oh,

quite impossible.

Yes.

She's hysterical?

Oh dear.

Too much sun, perhaps, yes.

Well, of course.

No.

No trouble at all.

Oh my God.

It's begun.

Oh, Ernie.

Ernie, quick!

[Ernie] What is it?

That was Ticker.

Someone's recognized Cooger.

She's in the hospital under sedation.

We must move quickly now.

Oh, I denied it all, of course,

but go down to the caves, I know he's there,

and bring him back.

[Ernie] I'll deal with it.

(people chattering)

Hello, Lonny.

Hi.

Gee, it was hilarious today, Mum.

Lonny's grandfather tripped over these ladies on the beach.

Don't be silly, dear.

Poor Mr. Cooger died.

- Hi. - Hi, Lonny.

That was your grandfather, eh?

What?

But Mom, I saw him, he was alive.

Watch your lip, young lady.

Here, go and take these and put them on the table.

I'm so sorry to hear about old Mr. Cooger, dear.

Yeah.

Such a delightful character.

Why don't you boys go and have some chops?

(pleasant music)

Hello!

Anyone home?

[Lonny] Hello?

[Kanziora] Mr. Cooger!

(ominous music)

(Grandpa laughing)

Oh, that's much better!

Good evening.

Grandpa, we've been seen.

Aunt Leah and Ernie know where you are.

He's on his way.

What're we gonna do?

(Grandpa laughing)

Look Lonny, my boy, I don't want you to worry.

Let him come.

I don't want you to concern yourself

with such relatively unimportant human matters.

We've brought you some stuff.

Oh, you boys have done well, haven't you?

And I flogged a huge bottle of gin for you too.

Oh!

God bless your little souls.

(Grandpa laughing)

Well, it's time for me medicine, yeah.

You know, for the circulation.

(Grandpa groaning)

Oh!

(Grandpa laughing)

I'll tell you what,

I think I better have another, you know.

(silly music)

Just in case, you know.

Ah ha!

Got the beggar!

Grandpa!

Die, you monster, die!

Oh really?

(Grandpa laughing)

Die, you monster, die!

How pathetic he is.

Take that!

Oh, well take this!

(wind whooshing)

(Grandpa laughing)

(boys laughing)

Give me five, Grandpa!

Yeah!

What about me?

- All right! - (Grandpa laughing)

(Kanziora laughing)

Oh!

Oh, I tell you,

tonight, because of you, I feel eternally young.

Now I wanna celebrate, where shall we go?

Hey, what about McDonald's?

But it's not safe there, you'll be seen.

Now, Lonny, Lonny, my boy, let's be daring!

I wanna have fun!

Mr. McDonald!

(pleasant music) Here we come!

(steam hissing)

Mr. McDonald,

here we are.

(Grandpa laughing)

Now, gotta look like I fit in with crowd, huh?

Yes, siree, yeah?

Grandpa, you look cool.

Give me five,

and five makes 10,

and here we go.

(people chattering)

Oh!

This is a magnificent place here, yes!

Oh!

- Grandpa. - What?

Don't you feel well?

No, no, I'm okay, I tell you.

281 years is starting to show.

Here, let me sit down.

Go ahead, make yourself comfortable.

Oh no.

What's the matter with him?

Maybe he needs food.

Grandpa,

would you like a Big Mac?

A big what?

A Big Mac.

They don't eat meat.

He wants blood.

(silly music)

Okay, two Quarter Pounders, two large fries,

two raw meat patties?

Thank you.

(Ernie groaning)

(dial beeping)

Whoa!

Oh!

We're gonna have a lot of fun tonight.

Yes, yes.

What're you doing?

What?

No, no, no, no, no, no.

That's not...

No, please,

I can't, I'm...

Just the sight of it makes me sick.

Now, please, no, no, I can't.

No, no, I'm not.

No, I'm not gonna have it.

- No, no, no. - Mr. Cooger,

you need your strength.

No, no, no.

Please.

Drink.

Come on, Grandpa.

Open up.

(Grandpa groaning)

(people chattering)

It's not bad.

It's quite delicious.

I think I'll have another one.

Waiter!

Waiter!

Garcon!

No waiters here?

(ominous music)

Oh no!

[Kanziora] Look out!

You beggars thought you could out-do me, eh?

Eh?

(Grandpa growling)

Yeah, Sergeant Ticker, please.

This man is a vampire!

Yeah, mate, and I'm Joan Collins.

(Grandpa growling)

Come on, Grandpa, let's go.

Now.

Run!

No you don't!

You coming with me or what?

You demon!

(Grandpa snarling)

Stop!

Whatever you're doing!

You!

But you're supposed to be...

Dead.

I am dead.

(Grandpa laughing)

(Ticker yelling)

(suspenseful music)

Fly Grandpa, fly!

Whoa.

Whoa.

(Grandpa groaning)

Get in the car!

Hurry up!

Lonny, stop that.

Ernie, help!

Don't let them take him away.

They wanna kill him, Mr. Tinker!

That's enough.

(Ernie grunting)

[Ernie] Get in there!

(dramatic music)

No!

But Leah, you don't understand.

It was the beautiful boys that gave me life.

I didn't mean any harm.

I'm having a little fun.

Fun?

You call resurrecting yourself from the dead

and running around biting people, "fun?"

You give me no choice, Father.

Was that no-hoper, Ernie, that put you up to this!

That worthless bum!

I'm not listening.

(suspenseful music)

(truck whooshing)

(boys shouting)

Quiet!

Quiet!

Stop your bloody yelling!

Don't you see?

He's not human.

They're gonna stake him through the heart.

But he's just a harmless old man!

You gotta believe us, please!

[Lonny] Drive up to cemetery hill.

Huh?

They're taking him to the burial ground.

The what?

The burial ground!

That's where the family vault is.

I don't know what the hell's going on here.

Faster!

Can't you go any faster?

Look, around here, we obey the road code.

This isn't Hawaii Five-0.

Well they've probably done it by now!

Can't you go just teensy-weensy bit faster?

(suspenseful music)

I don't wanna die this way.

I promise,

I'll behave myself.

You don't understand, do you?

You're already meant to be dead.

But Leah!

I am your father!

(Grandpa groaning)

(foreboding music)

Come on, you pile of rotting flesh!

(Grandpa groaning) (dramatic music)

(lively tempo music)

This is it!

Hey!

Hey, wait a minute!

I'm in charge here!

(Leah crying)

Hold it still, for Christ's sake!

[Ticker] Hold it!

(suspenseful music)

(Leah crying)

[Leah] No!

No!

Hey!

What the hell are you doing?

No!

Grandpa, run!

(Ernie whooshing)

Ernie!

You all right, mate?

(Grandpa whooshing)

[Grandpa] Follow me, boys!

(gentle music)

Soon you will hear the fluttering of my wings

and I will be no more.

Meet me down by the sea!

(Leah crying)

Oh, Father.

I'm sorry.

Mr. Cooger!

Grandpa, where are you?

[Grandpa] You'll find me where there's gaiety, laughter

and fun for all!

(Grandpa laughing)

Sit back and enjoy Teen Talent Time!

(crowd cheering)

First up, a very talented young man from Woppaburra,

he's eight years old...

- This boy's very talented. - And he's bringing

his trumpet to give us that lovely hymn,

"How Great Thou Art."

Accompanied with the organ by Mrs. Betty Gutsell,

here is Hamish McWhirter.

(crowd cheering)

(somber uneven trumpet music)

Feeling better now are we, my son?

And have we been saying our prayers?

Yes, Father.

Good boy.

Boy, close, eh?

Yeah.

Oh man, where is he?

He's around, Lonny.

I see Mom and Dad.

They're gonna kill me.

Okay.

(somber uneven trumpet music)

[Kanziora] Hi.

Where have you been?

Playing with Lonny.

You're very naughty disappearing at tea time.

I didn't know where you had gone.

I'm sorry.

Don't you do that again, Christopher,

without telling your mother.

She's been worried sick.

Be quiet!

I said I was sorry, Dad.

Be quiet!

(uneven trumpet music)

(crowd clapping) (people booing)

[Host] Hamish McWhirter, ladies and gentlemen.

What a talented young man.

[Girl]] What a goon!

Well now for something a little more exotic.

We're expecting up on the stage, three lovely young ladies.

(crowd whistling)

And they tell me they've only been singing together

for the last three days, is that correct?

And here they are, don't they look lovely?

All right!

(crowd whistling)

It's Serena, Tammy and Brigit,

who sing their hula song, "My Red Opu."

♪ What am I gonna do for my red opu ♪

♪ It's so very sore, I don't know what to do ♪

Oh man!

She's a doll!

(Kanziora laughing)

♪ Let that be a warning to you ♪

♪ Yesterday, my steamer docked at half past nine ♪

♪ The sun was shining bright ♪

- ♪ And all the weather was fine ♪ - Ticker!

[Lonny] Can I have a chip?

♪ That's how I got my red opu ♪

♪ All the pretty little girls were playing around ♪

♪ Getting a sun tan, so I thought I'd get one too ♪

♪ Out on the beach I play my ukulele ♪

♪ Getting a sun tan ♪

[Ernie] There he is!

♪ That was not the thing to do ♪

(Ernie groaning)

(crowd chattering)

[Host] Everyone!

Stay calm!

Please, stay calm!

And please, stay in your positions.

♪ What am I gonna do for my red opu ♪

Get off!

♪ It's so very sore, I don't know what to do ♪

♪ I guess the only way to spend an hour every day ♪

♪ Just oiling up my red opu ♪

(crowd cheering)

Hey!

Psst!

(crowd cheering)

Holy Mother of God!

It's the deceased!

(crowd applauding)

Where the hell are they going?

Christopher, come back here!

(Ticker yelling)

Oh.

(Grandpa laughing) (mystical music)

(crowd applauding)

(Ernie yelping)

What the hell are you gonna do about this fiasco?

Don't ask me!

Help!

(Grandpa laughing)

(electrical fizzling)

(Grandpa laughing)

Oh.

(crowd applauding)

(electrical fizzling)

(crowd cheering)

(crowd cheering)

(electrical fizzling)

(explosion booming)

(crowd cheering)

(metal creaking)

Grandpa, watch out!

(crowd screaming)

Oh no!

Father!

Father!

Oh Father, speak to me.

Speak to me.

Leah,

I'm sorry.

I've been a naughty boy, haven't I?

(ominous music)

(Leah crying)

(crickets chirping)

[Lonny] Are you okay, Aunt Leah?

Yes.

I'm fine now.

But Aunt Leah,

there's something I don't understand.

How come you aren't one of them?

(Leah chuckling)

Oh, Lonny,

it's all so long ago.

Once upon a time, your grandfather fell in love

with a beautiful woman.

Bella Louise, my mother.

And he loved her completely.

In the human way.

Not the ancient way, you understand?

He never bit her?

That's right, Kanziora.

So, thank God,

we were spared.

But come along now.

Father wants to see you both.

Grandpa!

Wow.

Isn't he magnificent?

(dramatic music)

Lonny,

Kanziora, come.

Come.

It's time now for me to say goodbye.

Goodbye?

But where are you going?

Your grandfather has decided to leave.

It's the best thing for all concerned.

But...

Where will he go?

It's time for me to take my freedom, Lonny,

and join the others.

Others?

You mean there's more?

Oh yes.

Many more like myself

who wander this planet in search of love

and understanding.

You boys have set me free with your honesty and your bravery

and I'll never forget you both ever.

But...

But will we ever see you again, Grandpa?

Oh, Lonny, I'll always be there.

Eh, Kanziora?

And in your dreams

I will return, I will.

Leah,

my traveling coat, please.

(gentle music)

Leah, my...

my beautiful daughter, Leah.

Oh, Father.

Kanziora.

Give me five, Lonny.

And five makes 10.

I'll always love you, Lonny.

(dramatic music)

Farewell.

See you later, mashed potater.

In a little while, crocodile.

(pleasant music)

Farewell!

(Ernie groaning)

What's she saying?

(Leah shouting)

I think she's booting the sucker out.

Good.

Why do you think your aunt likes him?

You know, Kanziora,

love's a very strange thing. (Leah crying)

Makes them go funny in the head.

Really screwy, man.

[Ernie] Never laid a hand on him!

How can you be so cruel?

Please, just go now and just leave me alone!

Okay, okay, keep your hair on!

I'm going!

And if old fang face decides to show up

for a bit of bloodsucking around the neighborhood,

I'm stuffed if I'll be around to help you!

(boys laughing)

Silly dame!

I know when I'm not wanted.

(Ernie groaning)

(Ernie grumbling)

(boys laughing)

Gee, Lonny, I hope we don't ever get old.

Imagine what that'll be like.

Yeah.

You know,

(somber music)

Kinda be nice

just to stay the same.

Like we are now.

Tonight.

Forever and ever.

Yeah.

That'd be lovely, eh.

(pleasant music)

("I Still Want You" by Andrew Fagan)

♪ We turn our head up to the sky ♪

♪ The color's bleeding from your eyes ♪

♪ But I still want you to tell me, should I ♪

♪ I'm calling out my troops of trust ♪

♪ This time I raise them from the dust ♪

♪ Because I still want you, it isn't a waste ♪

♪ I turn my mind around ♪

♪ Searching for something that's so profound ♪

♪ To put you down ♪

♪ Choose you better ♪

♪ I knew you were better ♪

♪ I feel my soul exploding ♪

♪ In the aging overloading ♪

♪ My smile turned big ♪

♪ But you do it better ♪

♪ Yeah, you do it better ♪

♪ The question is not hard to find ♪

♪ Confidence is what takes time ♪

♪ Still need how to be you ♪

♪ Because I still want you if you want to ♪

♪ The elegance I can't erode ♪

♪ I hope you're not away crying ♪

♪ I still want you all of the time ♪

(upbeat music)