Original subtitles

You know, Ray, the kids have to be picked up soon.

Can you go get 'em?

I just sat down.

What are you? 80?

- What are you doing? - I'm sorting the catalogs.

Oh. God's work.

Come on. One of us has to go.

- Well, you go. - I always go, Ray.

Watch your step, Frank.

- Alright, I'll go. - No, I'll go.

Hi. I need your counter space.

I accidentally doubled my cookie recipe.

What's that? 5,000 cookies?

Careful! Hot stuff.

Hot stuff.

Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!

Don't get comfortable, Frank.

We have another batch coming out.

Enjoy. Share it with your friends.

Okay, bye.

Hey, are you done with this?

"Gifts from Ireland"?

No, get-get the clothing one.

Why do I need new clothes?

Because people can see you.

Hi, I'm Ray and I live here in Long Island

with my wife, Debra.

My six-year-old daughter and twin two-year-old boys.

- Whee. - My parents...

Live across the street.

That's right.

And my brother lives with 'em.

Now not every family would defy gravity for you

but mine would because...

Everybody loves Raymond.

Hey, you didn't, uh...

- Hey. - Hey, Robert.

- Want a cookie? - Ah, yeah, why not?

- Hey, these look pretty good. - Mm-hm.

She gave me all the irregulars.

Hey, guess who Shamsky and I saw at the park today?

- Gary Hebner. - Hebs?

Oh, man, I haven't seen him since high school.

Well, you'll see him Saturday. He's going to your reunion.

- You have a reunion? - No, no.

Wait a minute, this would be your 20th reunion.

Ray, why didn't you tell me about this?

'Cause I'm not going, okay?

Only losers go to those things.

Thank you.

You know, I'm planning on going to my 20th.

Does that make me a loser?

Four years away, and you're already planning it?

Um, uh...

You know, Raymond, you should really

think about going, you know?

It's like your own personal "Twilight Zone."

I mean, the last time you saw everybody was graduation, right?

And then, pow!

Everybody's 20 years older.

Spooky.

Come on, Ray, you never talk about high school.

I want to see that part of your life.

I want to see what made you you.

What made me? Here, follow the trail of cookies.

- We're going. Yes, come on. - No. No.

I want to wear my new red dress.

Here, and you should just pick something from there, okay?

I pick him. You can go with him.

Now, why don't you want to go?

- 'Cause I just-- - What? What is it?

I mean, come on, you're a big success.

You have this dream job

a beautiful home, a terrific family.

It's just a great life.

That's your spin on it.

And you know what else?

You still have all your hair

and it's still very thick.

It is very luxurious, Raymond.

I don't know.

I don't, you know...

- Alright, we'll stop by. - Okay, great, great.

Okay, go, go, go get the kids now.

He uses conditioner, doesn't he?

And he tops it off with the volumizer?

Hey, we're not gonna stay too long, okay?

Oh, alright, yes, yes.

Wait a minute, that guy's got hair.

That guy's got hair.

You promised me bald people.

Yeah, yeah. Look, look, look.

"The eagles return to the nest."

Hm, yeah.

- We were the eagles. - Yeah.

Now, where are the bald eagles?

- Hey, wait. Oh, man. - What? Who's that?

I went to high school with that guy.

- What are the odds, huh? - Oh, that's--

- Yeah, we're here. Yeah, okay. - Yeah, yeah.

Scott Preman.

- 'Come here, come here.' - Ray!

Hey!

- Ray! - Scott!

Debra, my wife, Scott Preman.

Oh, hello!

Hey, I was reading my yearbook before

and I want you to know that I do remember

the good times in study hall

and I did have an excellent summer.

- Yeah. Ha-ha-ha! - Right.

I wrote that in his book.

Scott and I, we just, we hung out a lot in high school.

Hey, you remember when the egg Mcmuffin came out?

We snuck out of school and got, like, three of them.

- Yeah, yeah. - Ha-ha-ha!

Yeah, that was...

Aw, that was... That was wild, that was wild.

- Yeah. - What was Ray like then?

Oh, he was crazy.

- What? What? - Yes!

One time, we went to McDonald's.

He walked through the drive-thru.

Here's him, he's like

"Honk, honk! Hey, hurry it up!

It's taking too long!" Right? Ha-ha-ha!

It was, it was so the girl in the window would look at me.

Uh-huh. Did she look at you?

Not the way I planned it. Yeah.

- You remember that, huh? - Yeah. He-he.

Uh-oh. Bald eagle, three o' clock.

Hey, Red Baron.

Here you go, White Lightning.

- White Lightning? - We, we had CB Radios.

- And that was their handle. - What was your handle, huh?

Hey, Warren, look who's here.

Oh, man, Ray!

"Newsday's" Ray Barone.

What's happening?

How you doing, Warren?

Hey, you still going by Straight Shooter?

Oh, Straight Shooter?

Okay, shut up.

Hey, you guys remember Foxy Lady?

- Ah, you idiots, you idiots. - Yeah.

Oh, this was great.

We used to talk to her all the time on the CB

and then one night, we arranged to meet up with her.

Yeah, and we pull into the parking lot of hojo's, right?

Yeah, yeah, we were in the parking lot

and, uh, Foxy Lady, turns out

it's Mrs. Drayer from the cafeteria.

- She was the lunch lady. - Uh-huh.

Yeah, Ray wanted to moon her.

You would've been such dead meat.

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

Okay, well, I'm gonna let you guys all catch up.

- Okay? - What, where are you going?

I'm just gonna go to the ladies room.

- Yeah, bring me back one. - Okay.

Hey, Ray. Hm.

- A wife. - Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

How about you guys? Married or...

Well...

Hey, you guys remember that time we, uh

all went, went into the girls' bathroom, huh?

Yeah, I remember we were pushed in.

That's right, that's right.

Pete Hastings pushes us in

holds the door shut

and you were crying.

Yeah, well, Scott cried during the SATs

when he skipped a question by mistake

and all his answers were off by one.

Yeah! Ha-ha-ha!

That wasn't funny, okay?

I had to go to community college.

'Yeah, yeah.'

But you cried. Ha-ha-ha!

Yeah, right, I know.

Hey. Oh, man, look who's here.

Whoa, that's Jessica Bell.

Ding-dong.

Please come in.

♪ Ring my bell ♪

She's coming. She's coming this way, man.

- Hi. Mm-hm. - Hi.

I can't believe you talked to her!

She smells different now.

Hey, Ray, didn't you have bio class with her junior year?

Mm-hm, yeah. We, uh, we had dissection.

I pinned her frog open.

Oh. You lucky dog.

Yeah, yeah.

Hey, what's going on? What're you, what are you doing now?

I'm a regional field rep for Burlington Hosiery.

Oh, socks and sock-related items.

Oh, good. That's cool.

I guess the hardest part of that

is getting your foot in the door.

I'm going to use that on my screen saver.

Take it. Use it. How about you, Warren?

You still got that comic book store?

Nah, it burned down.

Now I'm studying to be a rabbi.

It's so friggin' hard.

Hey, can we not talk about work?

- Yeah. - Alright. Don't cry.

So, you guys having fun?

Oh, yeah, it's like old times.

Oh, that's great. Listen, Ray.

I-I met a girl that was in your class.

She said we should go sit at their table.

Yeah? Okay.

Hey, Debra, why don't you come over?

- Okay. - Oy, gevalt.

Ray, do you remember Jessica Bell?

Uh, yeah, I think.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

So this is Ray.

- Hi. - Hi, hi.

I didn't recognize you.

He pinned your frog back!

So, Debra, uh, want to join us?

- I want you to meet everybody. - Yeah. Okay.

- Come on. Let's go. - Yeah.

- Really nice to meet you guys. - Yeah.

- I'll see you guys later. - Yeah.

- Catch you on the flip-flop. - Shalom.

Hey, hey, hey! The belle of the ball.

Hey, Pete.

Wait, that's Pete Hastings.

Oh, hey, guys, I want you to meet Debra Barone.

- Hi. - Hi.

- How's it going? - Hi.

Oh, and this is her husband, Ray.

He was in our class.

- Hey. - Hi, Ray.

I thought Ray Barone died in a car wreck

right after graduation.

Yeah.

No!

That was Jay Malone.

Oh, Jay Malone, yeah, yeah.

Hey, now, he was a great guy.

Here's to Jay.

- To Jay. - To Jay.

Wish you were here.

Oh, Deb, you got to come look at these pictures.

You want to see what my hair looked like 20 years ago?

Oh, yeah, like Farrah?

I was Dorothy Hamill.

- Where you going? Don't-- - I'll be right back.

Be right back.

- This is wild, huh? - Hey, Ray.

You're not Bobby Barone's brother, are you?

- Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. - Great basketball player.

- What's he doing now? - He's a cop.

- Wow, that's great. - Yeah.

I'm a sportswriter.

I got a column in "Newsday" now.

Oh, wait a minute.

Ray Barone.

Now I know who you are.

I used to throw you in the girls' room all the time.

- You remember that? - Yeah.

- We used to push him in. - Thanks.

So how are you?

- Here we go. - Oh, I love this song.

- Do you remember the freak? - Yeah, yeah, and the hustle.

- Oh, the bump. Yeah. - The bump.

Hey, Jessica, come on, you ready?

- Oh, let's go. - Come on, Ray, let's boogie.

No, no, no, weddings only. You know that.

Oh, come on.

Ray, you're not gonna dance?

- Would you like to dance? - Oh, do you mind?

- Sure. Go, uh, boogie. - Great, thanks.

♪ shake shake shake

♪ Shake shake shake

♪ Shake your booty ♪

- Alright! - What?

Enough booty.

Oh, it was so much fun.

Boy, I just love dancing, you know?

Hey, this just in, disco sucks.

What, you didn't have a good time?

Your friends are great.

Those people aren't my friends.

Who, Pete and Jessica and Chris and Steve

and Wendy and Jodie?

- What's wrong with them? - What's wrong with them?

They used to throw me into the girls' room.

Oh, well, they're very nice now.

Yeah, to you.

What?

To you. To you, they're nice.

You're one of 'em.

What do you mean, "I'm one of them"?

You know.

Popular.

Ray, what's the matter?

What, are you mad at me for having a good time?

You could've had a good time. I asked you to dance.

- I don't like dancing. - Yeah, but I do.

Yeah, I know that. I know.

The whole class of '77 knows that.

Well, forgive me, but I'm not afraid

to have a little bit of fun.

Well, what a snobby, shallow, superficial

popular thing to say.

Okay, I-I'm trying to understand this.

You didn't like our table. Where did you want to sit?

On our couch at home.

And you're wondering why you weren't one of the popular kids.

Ray, this is why I wanted to go to your reunion

'cause you never want to go anywhere.

Well, you know something?

There's something really wrong

with somebody who has to be popular

at somebody else's reunion.

- You are such a nerd. - Ah-ha!

Ah-ha! I knew it!

You think I'm a nerd!

Yeah, yeah! You know what you are?

A cheerleader! Cheerleader!

Go put in your retainer!

God!

I'm going to bed, or...

Here, let me translate that for you.

Gimme a "B!"

Gimme an "E!"

Gimme a "D!"

what's that spell? What's that spell?

Hey, hey, no MTV in this house.

What are you...

Give me that.

Here. Popeye.

Popeye's great.

Nobody likes Popeye.

Why, 'cause he's not cool?

Maybe you don't know Popeye.

Don't be so quick to judge.

Nobody likes Popeye.

Yeah.

Till Bluto's got you in a headlock.

Then-then what?

Guy hangs out with Wimpy and...

Yeah.

Hee-hee!

Monster tattoo.

Just wanted to see what it looked like.

- That's not nerdy. - I didn't say a thing.

Listen, I, uh...

...washed your gym stuff.

Your nose plugs went through the dryer.

Dr. Sundram said I have to wear those

to prevent infections in my Eustachian tubes.

Yes, Ray.

We all know you have sensitive tubes.

What's the matter, it's not cool enough for you?

What's a big medical problem with you, ruptured booty?

No, I never ruptured my booty.

One time I did sprain my groove thang.

Yeah.

- Hey. - Hey, Robert.

So how was last night?

Oh, yeah, it was great. Listen.

A lot of people at the reunion asked about you.

- Oh, yeah? - 'Mm-hm.'

Remember Jessica Bell?

Ah, little Jessica.

Used to follow me around.

Good kid.

You know, I think she liked you.

- Yeah. Yeah. - Yeah.

Her friends asked my friends

to ask me to ask her out.

You went out with Jessica Bell?

No, no. She was a freshman.

That would've been like me hanging out with...

...you.

Oh, Pete Hastings, too.

- Ah, tough guy, right? - Yeah.

Yeah, I remember him.

Got wise with me once.

I pushed him in the girls' room. You know what you do?

You hold the door closed so they can't get out.

I know, I know. I know.

- Have you heard about it? - Yeah.

So you had fun, right, huh?

Come on, it was a good time, huh?

Don't ask me, ask her. She's the dancing queen.

Really? Do the hustle.

Oh, cut it out!

Stop it!

- Whoo! - Cut it out!

Stop it!

- Stop it! - Stop it!

Stop it! Stop it!

Wow! Robert, you've got the moves!

Well, I got the music in me.

What you need's an Indian and a construction worker

and you got an act.

Sorry, Robert.

Ray's a little cranky this morning.

He was up too late watching everybody else have fun.

I wasn't watching people have fun, alright?

I was keeping an eye on the purses.

Ah, pulling some nerd duty, huh?

Come on, now, Robert.

Ray's as cool as any guy

with a stick-on tattoo and nose plugs.

Nose plugs!

Hey, you know, some of us aren't in high school.

We've moved on, okay?

Let me ask you, does a nerdy guy go on the road

with the New York Knicks?

Well, depends if they need somebody to watch the purses.

That's funny. Oh, that's very funny.

Laugh.

Well, I don't-I don't care what you guys think, okay?

I know what I am.

Raymond, I got something for you to try on.

- What? - I saw these in the catalog.

And I thought they looked jazzy.

Hey, Ray, that's great.

Your mom bought you some short pants.

Very jazzy.

No, no, ma, I'm not wearing these pants, okay?

Why not? They're very with-it.

Hey, Ray, if the shorts fit.

Yeah, you know what? Maybe the shorts do fit.

What's the matter with you?

You were very happy when I bought you those pajamas.

Are you okay?

Listen.

Would you, uh...

...maybe, I don't know, would you...

...would you, do you want to go dancing Saturday night?

Dancing? You and me?

Yeah, you know, if you want.

Well, we can't Saturday, but--

Okay, fine.

No, no, no, but maybe some other time.

Yeah, yeah, some other time.

Yeah... Hey, I've heard 'em all, okay?

How about, uh, "I can't, I'm washing my hair"

or "I don't think of you that way"

or "I'm not allowed to date Italians?"

Yeah, I get it, okay?

I get it! I'm a dork!

Ray, I can't go dancing with you Saturday

because you're gonna be out of town with the Knicks.

Oh, how convenient!

Ray, and I don't want you to go dancing with me

just to prove to yourself that you're not a dork.

Well, I don't know how else to do it.

This is a mixed marriage.

Hey, I was just teasing you. What are you so sensitive about?

Look, you're one of the cool people, and...

...I'm not.

Then why did I marry you?

That's right. Good question.

No, I'm asking you. Why do you think I married you?

I...

I don't know.

Come on.

I'm nice.

Yes. What else?

I have good hair.

Yes.

I have a car.

You have your own car?

Well, it's my father's

but I can get it whenever I want.

Gee, how come I never see you in the cafeteria?

'Cause my mom makes me come home for lunch.

Mm, wow.

- You're a good kisser. - Hm.

I'm a lot better without the retainer.

- You know what I'm thinking? - What?

You can't be such a dork if the cool girl's

about to sleep with you.

Hm, Jessica Bell's coming over?

Oh, stop it!

Okay. You ready?

I just, you know, I need a little tune-up, that's all.

Okay, look-look, just relax, alright?

Yeah, alright.

Okay, now.

Can you do this?

Good, good.

Alright, okay, now, how about this one?

There you go. Loosen up. Loosen up.

Shake it up.

That's it.

That's it, yeah, yeah, yeah.

- How about this? - Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Let's work this in, 'cause I got this. I got this.

Yeah.

- Where'd you learn that? - Uh, church dance.

Okay, alright. Okay, okay. Okay, check this out.

I don't do that.