All language subtitles for Everybody.Loves.Raymond.S02_E09.WEBRip.x265

- Hey.
- Hey! Where you been?

I got a birthday card
for my father.

Well, you got like
six cards here.

I'm only getting him a card.
So I gotta get him a good one.

Help me pick one out here.

- These are all funny ones.
- Yeah.

Y-y-you get him a funny card,
he laughs at the card.

You get him a sentimental one,
he laughs at you.

Hey! Here's a knee slapper.

It's a guy walking over a hill.
Get it?

Over the hill.

He's old, your father.

Look at this one.
This one's funny.

On the front
it looks like big breasts.

- Mm-hmm.
- Not so fast.

Open it up.

The butt of a chimpanzee.

My father wins either way.

Well, they're all so good.

Mind you, just pick one.

You know what?
It's gotta be this one.

The baby crying with the bowl
of spaghetti dumped on his head.

That'll be funny
to your father?

He laughed
when he did it to me.

Hi, I'm ray and I live here
in Long Island

with my wife, Debra.

My six-year-old daughter
and twin two-year-old boys.

My parents... live across
the street.

That's right.

And my brother lives with 'em.

Now, not every family
would defy gravity for you

but mine would because...

Everybody loves Raymond.

Hey, you didn't, uh...

- Happy birthday!
- Happy birthday! Yay!

Hey! You got me the candles
that don't blow out again.

Yeah, like you don't love it.

You want to cut
the cake, Frank?

Just a minute.
Let me loosen up here.

No, don't unbuckle those.
Go put on your elastic pants.

- I don't wanna.
- Go, go, go. Come on.

Alright.

My house, my pants, my birthday.

Okay, let's get the presents.

- What're you talking about?
- Presents?

You told me we weren't
getting him a present.

I.. H hates presents.
Here, hold this.

Robert, what's going on?

We stopped getting him presents.

Well, it is
his 65th birthday, Raymond.

You didn't get him a present?

I got him a card.
A funny card.

So no present from you?

Well... the kids made stuff.

- But nothing from you?
- No.

Dad, you coming down, or what?

Hurry up, knit something.

I'm gonna stay here
with the kids

and help them
with their presents.

Oh, sure.
Attach yourself to them.

- You all ready?
- Alright.

Ice cream and cake time.

Actually, dad, first we have
a little presentation.

- Oh!
- Here.

Happy birthday, Frank.

- Is this a gag?
- No, no.

- Some of us got you presents.
- Hey-hey.

Bring 'em on!

Ray, do you want the card?

Yeah, I want to put
20 bucks in it.

- Give me 20 bucks.
- The envelope's already sealed.

Damn!

Oh, a sweater.

Didn't you buy me
a sweater once already?

But you didn't wear that one.

So why did you buy me
another one?

It's a beautiful sweater, Marie.

I'm probably allergic to this.

See, ma? I don't know
why you keep trying.

You're just gonna have to
return it like always.

Uh-uh. Not this year.

It's a final-sale item.

No refunds and no exchanges.

That's what her parents
said when we got married.

- I do like the buttons.
- Oh, hey.

- Nice buttons.
- Okay, ma, cake.

- How about it? Let's go.
- Oh, wait, wait. No, no.

We got more presents.

Dad, I think you're really
gonna like what I got you.

- Oh.
- Ah, card, card.

- There's a card, too.
- Okay.

Hey!

The little kid
with the spaghetti on his head.

Look at him.

R-remember when you
did that to me?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

- He did it to me.
- He can't even reach your head.

He did it with cereal.
What're you talking about?

Stop fighting!
He did it to you both.

- What the hell is this?
- The remote boat.

- A what?
- A remote boat. Look.

See? You put your
remote controls right here.

Then you can put
your "TV Guide" right here.

That way you can take it around
to any chair.

Uh, maybe I'll go over here,
I'll go over there. Right?

And... you have a special
compartment for your soda.

Holy crap!

- Oh, that is clever.
- Yeah, that's kind of great.

- Why didn't I invent that?
- Why? Dad, please.

It takes a team of technicians
and designers

and skilled craftsmen
to produce this... wood box.

Well, what'd you get him,
big shot?

It doesn't matter.

Just because
it's my 65th birthday

doesn't mean I have to get
a gift from everyone.

- Look, I got you something.
- Oh?

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, it just hasn't
gotten here yet.

I see.

So, when do you suppose
it will... arrive?

Hey, it's not that fruit
of the month thing again, is it?

- No, no.
- Oh, that was the worst!

- Okay.
- They're still coming!

We got grapefruit out the wazoo!

You promised.
You promised you'd stop them.

You're still in the computer.
It's gonna take a couple months.

Dear God!

So, uh... what did you get me

and, uh, how come
it's not here yet?

Because I-I special-ordered it.

I ordered the remote boat
from a catalog

and it got here on time.

I know. I know. I know.
This is bull. This is bull.

You order something
for somebody's birthday

it should be here
by their birthday.

Tell me about it, this is...

I'm definitely gonna
call somebody

'cause this is total bull.

Oh, what the hell
am I gonna get my dad now?

He's never liked anything
I've ever gotten him.

I thought I developed
the perfect system.

I get him nothing.

He seemed to like that.

Now I got everybody
to go along with it

and all of a sudden,
he likes the remote boat.

Well, it is
his 65th birthday, Ray.

Come on, you're the shopper,
help me.

Why don't you take him
to a ball game?

Mm, no, it's got to be
something I ordered.

That much we know.

It's late because I ordered it.

Hey, hey, if I got him
the universal remote

he wouldn't need
the remote boat.

Robert.

What about the TV guide
and the soda?

Damn!

You know, when I want to get
my parents something

I just think about
what they like.

W-what does he like?

He likes the number three
combo at Wo-Hop's.

Pork fried rice
and egg roll.

Okay, so, get him that,
just light the egg roll

and tell him it's one of those
hilarious trick candles.

He'll love it.
Good night.

Hey, you know what I'm thinking?

Hey, what?

When we go to Wo-Hop's,
he always takes a table

by the tropical fish tank.
He likes that.

Maybe I'll get him a fish tank.

Yeah.

You know, that's good.
That really is good, Ray.

- Yeah?
- Yeah.

Wait, wait, wait.

Would I have had to order
an aquarium?

Okay, that's important.
It has to fit in with my lie.

Maybe you
special-ordered him a fish.

- Special fish.
- yeah.

- I like that. I like that.
- Mm-hmm. Good.

Somebody,
some scuba diver in Fiji

is just combing the coral reefs

looking for Frank Barone's
very special fish.

That's it. That's it.

- That's our story.
- Good, Ray, okay.

N0ow repeat it back to me.

Holy crap.

"Holy crap."

- It's beautiful, Raymond.
- It's huge.

They had smaller tanks,
you know, but I thought--

Hey, Ally, look at my fish.

Wow!

I'm gonna call Lee and Stan.

They should come over
and see this.

Hey, dad, you know that
civil war special's coming on.

- I got the boat.
- Who needs TV?

We got our own
"Discovery" channel right here.

Oh, Ray, he loves it.

"Oh, Ray, he loves it."

I liked your gift, too, Robert.

- Oh.
- Come on, Robert.

It's not a competition here.

- Can we name them?
- Yeah.

Let's call these two
Lee and Stan

and that big one with its
mouth open we'll call Marie.

Hey, bubeleh.

Hey, ray.
Listen, I got to hand it to you.

That aquarium is a huge hit.

- Hmm, yeah?
- Oh, everybody loves it.

I mean, your mom
can't stop talking about it

and the kids
are over there right now

trying to pet the fish.

Your dad just sits there
and stares at it.

He doesn't even
come over here anymore.

- It's a miracle.
- Mmh.

Oh, doesn't it feel good
to give the perfect gift?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

- Yeah, but...
- But-but what, Ray?

- There's no but here.
- No, don't you see?

I've set a precedent now.

I-I-I got him
a-a tropical fish tank.

Now every year, I got to get him
something bigger and better.

No, no, no. Nobody says you
have to keep topping yourself.

Yes. Yes, you do.

That's the way gifts are.
Y-you have to.

Can't get him an aquarium
one year and the next year...

...isotoners.

Your dad loves the gift.
Just enjoy the moment.

I've had no training for that.

The good news is, you don't have
to worry about this for a year.

Oh, no, you know nothing
about worry.

I-it's not that I don't
have to worry for a year.

It's that I have a year
to worry.

Oh, this is a nice picture
of a fish, Micheal.

Oh, do you see this, Raymond?

Hey, yeah, yeah, that's nice.

You know, the other night,
we ate dinner in here

just so we could watch the fish?

Hmm, no kidding, huh?

Not tonight, though.
We're having baked salmon.

Yay, that's great.

Alright, Ally, come on,
let's go. It's time for dinner.

- Where's Stan?
- Oh, uh, I-I-I...

I think he's, he's hiding
in the treasure chest.

He's too big
for the treasure chest.

No, I-I-I think
he goes in there sometimes

just to, to get away
from the other fish.

He's not in the damn
treasure chest. He's dead.

- What?
- That's what fish do!

They die!

- Dad, I'll replace him for you.
- I don't want him replaced!

Do me a favor, Ray!
Don't get me any more presents!

Okay, one fish dies, but...

...a lot of 'em lived.

Ray, Ally was upset
about Stan the fish, too

but she managed to get to sleep.

Maybe he had some weird bond

with that fish, you know?

Like flipper.

Alright.

I don't think
it was the particular fish, Ray.

I think it was more
of a symbolic thing.

You mean, like...

What do you mean?

It's his 65th birthday

and then on top of that,
Stan dies.

You know, it's bound
to bring up the question

of his own mortality.

Okay, but it was
Stan the fish.

Yes, Ray,
that's the symbolic part!

- I don't think that's it.
- Why not?

My father isn't that deep.

He doesn't make
those connections.

He thinks the moral
of the Adam and Eve story

is don't eat when you're naked.

No, Ray.

I think that
that's definitely it

and I think that your father
is hiding his feelings.

It's normal.

You know, he's afraid of dying

and then you...

...give him the gift of death.

- Hi.
- Oh, hi, Raymond.

- You want some breakfast?
- No, no.

I-I wanna talk to dad.

Hey, where's the TV?

Your father moved it
into the kitchen.

- The kitchen?
- Yeah.

Didn't wanna be
in the same room with the fish.

You know, you never know when
another one of 'em's gonna go...

So he's still upset.

He should be
this upset when I die.

Thanks, ma. That's perfect.

A television for the kitchen,
that's what I should've got him.

Damn!

- Hey.
- Huh?

Dad, can you turn off
the television for a second?

- I wanna talk to you.
- I can hear ya.

Please?

Okay.

Uh, see... the aquarium--

- I don't wanna talk about that.
- I know.

I know.

Look, it was,
it was a bad gift to give you

and I want to apologize.

Okay.

So, we done?

No. No. No, no.

See, I think maybe I understand

why you're so upset
about the dead fish.

I don't give a Flying Wallenda
about a dead fish.

Yeah.

Yeah, I know.
I know. I know.

But I think maybe the fish
was a symbol.

Huh?

The fish, the fish dying

I-I think maybe
made you think about...

Not that it's gonna
happen anytime soon.

I mean, everybody,
everybody thinks about this.

It's, I think about it too.

What in sweet hell
are you talkin' about?

Look, I'm.. I just.. I didn't
mean for the gift to upset you.

Nice job!

You know, when that fish died,
I went to Al's aquarium

to see if they'd replace it.

I-I told you, I'd replace it.

I don't want you
to replace it, okay?

Okay, okay, I understand.

That's, that's more
of the symbol thing.

You don't want me
to replace the fish

because you don't want me
to replace you

when you, you know...

...when you're dead.

When I'm dead?

What're you bringing that
up for?

I don't want you
to replace the fish

because I found out
it costs 40 bucks!

Who the hell buys a $40 fish?

Salmon costs $13.95 a pound,
and you can eat it!

- That's what you're mad at.
- Yeah, yeah!

Then I find out the whole
fish tank cost 600 bucks!

Where do you get off
spendin' that kind of money?

How's that supposed
to make me feel?

Happy?

Jeez-o-loo,
600 bucks on a box of water!

Come on, dad, what.. I-I-I
wanted to do somethin' nice.

Nice? That's more than I paid
for my first car!

Next year, why don't you
get me a coffee mug

that says,
"I make more than you!"

And if I want a fish tank,
I'll get my own damn fish tank!

I know you can, dad,
but then it wouldn't be a gift.

You know what's a nice gift?
I'll tell ya.

One of those magnetic
coin holders for your car.

A dollar fifty at any car wash.

That's a nice thing
for a son to give a father!

Dad, come on, I...
Look, I make a good living.

- I can afford to buy you this.
- I know!

Okay? I know!

Look, how would you feel
if little Geoffrey went out

and got you some big,
expensive thing?

I'd wonder why Micheal
didn't get me something

b-but then I would feel proud.

I'd feel proud that
one of my boys could do that.

You think that's how you'd feel!

No, no, I would.
I would feel proud.

So you don't feel proud of me.

No, no, no, no.
There's some of that.

But then there's me.

I still have to feel about me.

Come on, dad. What?
Y-you did alright.

Didn't you do better
than your father?

Some contest.

Look, if it...

...if it makes you
feel any better

I wouldn't be where I am
without you.

Yeah, yeah.

So...

Sorry for the gift.

It's alright.
At least you tried.

So you weren't upset
about death at all.

Not until you mentioned it.

Thanks, though.

Oh, boy,
Debra was way off on this one.

- It's is a great tank.
- Yeah.

I've been wantin' to put
another one in the restaurant.

- Thanks a lot, Ray.
- Hmm.

It's nice to be appreciated.

Well, dad, at least you still
have the good ol' remote boat.

Where is it?

I needed a coffin for Stan.

You buried Stan
in the remote boat?

Ally wanted a ceremony.

You don't flush a $40 fish
down the toilet.

Wo-Hop, wait!
Take some fruit!