Original subtitles

- Hey. - Hey! Where you been?

I got a birthday card for my father.

Well, you got like six cards here.

I'm only getting him a card. So I gotta get him a good one.

Help me pick one out here.

- These are all funny ones. - Yeah.

Y-y-you get him a funny card, he laughs at the card.

You get him a sentimental one, he laughs at you.

Hey! Here's a knee slapper.

It's a guy walking over a hill. Get it?

Over the hill.

He's old, your father.

Look at this one. This one's funny.

On the front it looks like big breasts.

- Mm-hmm. - Not so fast.

Open it up.

The butt of a chimpanzee.

My father wins either way.

Well, they're all so good.

Mind you, just pick one.

You know what? It's gotta be this one.

The baby crying with the bowl of spaghetti dumped on his head.

That'll be funny to your father?

He laughed when he did it to me.

Hi, I'm ray and I live here in Long Island

with my wife, Debra.

My six-year-old daughter and twin two-year-old boys.

My parents... live across the street.

That's right.

And my brother lives with 'em.

Now, not every family would defy gravity for you

but mine would because...

Everybody loves Raymond.

Hey, you didn't, uh...

- Happy birthday! - Happy birthday! Yay!

Hey! You got me the candles that don't blow out again.

Yeah, like you don't love it.

You want to cut the cake, Frank?

Just a minute. Let me loosen up here.

No, don't unbuckle those. Go put on your elastic pants.

- I don't wanna. - Go, go, go. Come on.

Alright.

My house, my pants, my birthday.

Okay, let's get the presents.

- What're you talking about? - Presents?

You told me we weren't getting him a present.

I.. H hates presents. Here, hold this.

Robert, what's going on?

We stopped getting him presents.

Well, it is his 65th birthday, Raymond.

You didn't get him a present?

I got him a card. A funny card.

So no present from you?

Well... the kids made stuff.

- But nothing from you? - No.

Dad, you coming down, or what?

Hurry up, knit something.

I'm gonna stay here with the kids

and help them with their presents.

Oh, sure. Attach yourself to them.

- You all ready? - Alright.

Ice cream and cake time.

Actually, dad, first we have a little presentation.

- Oh! - Here.

Happy birthday, Frank.

- Is this a gag? - No, no.

- Some of us got you presents. - Hey-hey.

Bring 'em on!

Ray, do you want the card?

Yeah, I want to put 20 bucks in it.

- Give me 20 bucks. - The envelope's already sealed.

Damn!

Oh, a sweater.

Didn't you buy me a sweater once already?

But you didn't wear that one.

So why did you buy me another one?

It's a beautiful sweater, Marie.

I'm probably allergic to this.

See, ma? I don't know why you keep trying.

You're just gonna have to return it like always.

Uh-uh. Not this year.

It's a final-sale item.

No refunds and no exchanges.

That's what her parents said when we got married.

- I do like the buttons. - Oh, hey.

- Nice buttons. - Okay, ma, cake.

- How about it? Let's go. - Oh, wait, wait. No, no.

We got more presents.

Dad, I think you're really gonna like what I got you.

- Oh. - Ah, card, card.

- There's a card, too. - Okay.

Hey!

The little kid with the spaghetti on his head.

Look at him.

R-remember when you did that to me?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

- He did it to me. - He can't even reach your head.

He did it with cereal. What're you talking about?

Stop fighting! He did it to you both.

- What the hell is this? - The remote boat.

- A what? - A remote boat. Look.

See? You put your remote controls right here.

Then you can put your "TV Guide" right here.

That way you can take it around to any chair.

Uh, maybe I'll go over here, I'll go over there. Right?

And... you have a special compartment for your soda.

Holy crap!

- Oh, that is clever. - Yeah, that's kind of great.

- Why didn't I invent that? - Why? Dad, please.

It takes a team of technicians and designers

and skilled craftsmen to produce this... wood box.

Well, what'd you get him, big shot?

It doesn't matter.

Just because it's my 65th birthday

doesn't mean I have to get a gift from everyone.

- Look, I got you something. - Oh?

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, it just hasn't gotten here yet.

I see.

So, when do you suppose it will... arrive?

Hey, it's not that fruit of the month thing again, is it?

- No, no. - Oh, that was the worst!

- Okay. - They're still coming!

We got grapefruit out the wazoo!

You promised. You promised you'd stop them.

You're still in the computer. It's gonna take a couple months.

Dear God!

So, uh... what did you get me

and, uh, how come it's not here yet?

Because I-I special-ordered it.

I ordered the remote boat from a catalog

and it got here on time.

I know. I know. I know. This is bull. This is bull.

You order something for somebody's birthday

it should be here by their birthday.

Tell me about it, this is...

I'm definitely gonna call somebody

'cause this is total bull.

Oh, what the hell am I gonna get my dad now?

He's never liked anything I've ever gotten him.

I thought I developed the perfect system.

I get him nothing.

He seemed to like that.

Now I got everybody to go along with it

and all of a sudden, he likes the remote boat.

Well, it is his 65th birthday, Ray.

Come on, you're the shopper, help me.

Why don't you take him to a ball game?

Mm, no, it's got to be something I ordered.

That much we know.

It's late because I ordered it.

Hey, hey, if I got him the universal remote

he wouldn't need the remote boat.

Robert.

What about the TV guide and the soda?

Damn!

You know, when I want to get my parents something

I just think about what they like.

W-what does he like?

He likes the number three combo at Wo-Hop's.

Pork fried rice and egg roll.

Okay, so, get him that, just light the egg roll

and tell him it's one of those hilarious trick candles.

He'll love it. Good night.

Hey, you know what I'm thinking?

Hey, what?

When we go to Wo-Hop's, he always takes a table

by the tropical fish tank. He likes that.

Maybe I'll get him a fish tank.

Yeah.

You know, that's good. That really is good, Ray.

- Yeah? - Yeah.

Wait, wait, wait.

Would I have had to order an aquarium?

Okay, that's important. It has to fit in with my lie.

Maybe you special-ordered him a fish.

- Special fish. - yeah.

- I like that. I like that. - Mm-hmm. Good.

Somebody, some scuba diver in Fiji

is just combing the coral reefs

looking for Frank Barone's very special fish.

That's it. That's it.

- That's our story. - Good, Ray, okay.

N0ow repeat it back to me.

Holy crap.

"Holy crap."

- It's beautiful, Raymond. - It's huge.

They had smaller tanks, you know, but I thought--

Hey, Ally, look at my fish.

Wow!

I'm gonna call Lee and Stan.

They should come over and see this.

Hey, dad, you know that civil war special's coming on.

- I got the boat. - Who needs TV?

We got our own "Discovery" channel right here.

Oh, Ray, he loves it.

"Oh, Ray, he loves it."

I liked your gift, too, Robert.

- Oh. - Come on, Robert.

It's not a competition here.

- Can we name them? - Yeah.

Let's call these two Lee and Stan

and that big one with its mouth open we'll call Marie.

Hey, bubeleh.

Hey, ray. Listen, I got to hand it to you.

That aquarium is a huge hit.

- Hmm, yeah? - Oh, everybody loves it.

I mean, your mom can't stop talking about it

and the kids are over there right now

trying to pet the fish.

Your dad just sits there and stares at it.

He doesn't even come over here anymore.

- It's a miracle. - Mmh.

Oh, doesn't it feel good to give the perfect gift?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

- Yeah, but... - But-but what, Ray?

- There's no but here. - No, don't you see?

I've set a precedent now.

I-I-I got him a-a tropical fish tank.

Now every year, I got to get him something bigger and better.

No, no, no. Nobody says you have to keep topping yourself.

Yes. Yes, you do.

That's the way gifts are. Y-you have to.

Can't get him an aquarium one year and the next year...

...isotoners.

Your dad loves the gift. Just enjoy the moment.

I've had no training for that.

The good news is, you don't have to worry about this for a year.

Oh, no, you know nothing about worry.

I-it's not that I don't have to worry for a year.

It's that I have a year to worry.

Oh, this is a nice picture of a fish, Micheal.

Oh, do you see this, Raymond?

Hey, yeah, yeah, that's nice.

You know, the other night, we ate dinner in here

just so we could watch the fish?

Hmm, no kidding, huh?

Not tonight, though. We're having baked salmon.

Yay, that's great.

Alright, Ally, come on, let's go. It's time for dinner.

- Where's Stan? - Oh, uh, I-I-I...

I think he's, he's hiding in the treasure chest.

He's too big for the treasure chest.

No, I-I-I think he goes in there sometimes

just to, to get away from the other fish.

He's not in the damn treasure chest. He's dead.

- What? - That's what fish do!

They die!

- Dad, I'll replace him for you. - I don't want him replaced!

Do me a favor, Ray! Don't get me any more presents!

Okay, one fish dies, but...

...a lot of 'em lived.

Ray, Ally was upset about Stan the fish, too

but she managed to get to sleep.

Maybe he had some weird bond

with that fish, you know?

Like flipper.

Alright.

I don't think it was the particular fish, Ray.

I think it was more of a symbolic thing.

You mean, like...

What do you mean?

It's his 65th birthday

and then on top of that, Stan dies.

You know, it's bound to bring up the question

of his own mortality.

Okay, but it was Stan the fish.

Yes, Ray, that's the symbolic part!

- I don't think that's it. - Why not?

My father isn't that deep.

He doesn't make those connections.

He thinks the moral of the Adam and Eve story

is don't eat when you're naked.

No, Ray.

I think that that's definitely it

and I think that your father is hiding his feelings.

It's normal.

You know, he's afraid of dying

and then you...

...give him the gift of death.

- Hi. - Oh, hi, Raymond.

- You want some breakfast? - No, no.

I-I wanna talk to dad.

Hey, where's the TV?

Your father moved it into the kitchen.

- The kitchen? - Yeah.

Didn't wanna be in the same room with the fish.

You know, you never know when another one of 'em's gonna go...

So he's still upset.

He should be this upset when I die.

Thanks, ma. That's perfect.

A television for the kitchen, that's what I should've got him.

Damn!

- Hey. - Huh?

Dad, can you turn off the television for a second?

- I wanna talk to you. - I can hear ya.

Please?

Okay.

Uh, see... the aquarium--

- I don't wanna talk about that. - I know.

I know.

Look, it was, it was a bad gift to give you

and I want to apologize.

Okay.

So, we done?

No. No. No, no.

See, I think maybe I understand

why you're so upset about the dead fish.

I don't give a Flying Wallenda about a dead fish.

Yeah.

Yeah, I know. I know. I know.

But I think maybe the fish was a symbol.

Huh?

The fish, the fish dying

I-I think maybe made you think about...

Not that it's gonna happen anytime soon.

I mean, everybody, everybody thinks about this.

It's, I think about it too.

What in sweet hell are you talkin' about?

Look, I'm.. I just.. I didn't mean for the gift to upset you.

Nice job!

You know, when that fish died, I went to Al's aquarium

to see if they'd replace it.

I-I told you, I'd replace it.

I don't want you to replace it, okay?

Okay, okay, I understand.

That's, that's more of the symbol thing.

You don't want me to replace the fish

because you don't want me to replace you

when you, you know...

...when you're dead.

When I'm dead?

What're you bringing that up for?

I don't want you to replace the fish

because I found out it costs 40 bucks!

Who the hell buys a $40 fish?

Salmon costs $13.95 a pound, and you can eat it!

- That's what you're mad at. - Yeah, yeah!

Then I find out the whole fish tank cost 600 bucks!

Where do you get off spendin' that kind of money?

How's that supposed to make me feel?

Happy?

Jeez-o-loo, 600 bucks on a box of water!

Come on, dad, what.. I-I-I wanted to do somethin' nice.

Nice? That's more than I paid for my first car!

Next year, why don't you get me a coffee mug

that says, "I make more than you!"

And if I want a fish tank, I'll get my own damn fish tank!

I know you can, dad, but then it wouldn't be a gift.

You know what's a nice gift? I'll tell ya.

One of those magnetic coin holders for your car.

A dollar fifty at any car wash.

That's a nice thing for a son to give a father!

Dad, come on, I... Look, I make a good living.

- I can afford to buy you this. - I know!

Okay? I know!

Look, how would you feel if little Geoffrey went out

and got you some big, expensive thing?

I'd wonder why Micheal didn't get me something

b-but then I would feel proud.

I'd feel proud that one of my boys could do that.

You think that's how you'd feel!

No, no, I would. I would feel proud.

So you don't feel proud of me.

No, no, no, no. There's some of that.

But then there's me.

I still have to feel about me.

Come on, dad. What? Y-you did alright.

Didn't you do better than your father?

Some contest.

Look, if it...

...if it makes you feel any better

I wouldn't be where I am without you.

Yeah, yeah.

So...

Sorry for the gift.

It's alright. At least you tried.

So you weren't upset about death at all.

Not until you mentioned it.

Thanks, though.

Oh, boy, Debra was way off on this one.

- It's is a great tank. - Yeah.

I've been wantin' to put another one in the restaurant.

- Thanks a lot, Ray. - Hmm.

It's nice to be appreciated.

Well, dad, at least you still have the good ol' remote boat.

Where is it?

I needed a coffin for Stan.

You buried Stan in the remote boat?

Ally wanted a ceremony.

You don't flush a $40 fish down the toilet.

Wo-Hop, wait! Take some fruit!