Original subtitles

I am so sick of the same stories every night.

I'm taking 'em out of the rotation.

Wait a minute.

You finished cleaning up the kitchen, already?

Well, uh...

The thing is...

Debra.

They makes sponges with the scrubby sides.

Remind me, I'll get you some.

I didn't call her up. She just came over.

That's very mature, Ray.

Having your mother come over to do your chores for you.

- My mommy loves me. - 'Yeah.'

She probably thinks that's women's work

and I'm just lazy.

Now I gotta go in there.

No, no, no. Let her do it.

Don't take away her reason to live.

That's supposed to stop me?

Hi, I'm Ray and I live here in Long Island

with my wife Debra.

My six-year-old daughter and twin two-year-old boys.

Whee.

My parents...

...live across the street.

That's right.

And my brother lives with 'em.

Now, not every family would defy gravity for you

but mine would because...

Everybody loves Raymond.

Hey, you didn't...

You know, every night for five years... ugh...

"Little Engine that Could"

"Goodnight Moon," "Cat in the Hat."

I am sick of them.

They're not for you.

Right?

What do you want to read the kids

Jackie Collins?

No, I was just thinking, you know

maybe I could do that.

Maybe I could write a children's book.

- Yeah? - Yeah, you think?

Yeah, it's great

if you're looking for somethin' to do.

I have things to do, Ray.

Ow!

Just looking for something, you know, creative.

I've got some ideas.

I could use my experiences.

I know what kids like.

Debra, sweetheart, settle a bet.

Is this container microwavable?

No, Frank.

'I told you that wasn't the sauce.'

'You're eating melted plastic.'

Wow! Everything is better with cheese on it.

Alright, so what do you think

about this book idea?

Yeah, it's a great idea.

If you need any help, let me know.

Yeah, that's just what I was thinking.

- What? - You could help me.

We could write it together.

- Oh, wait a minute. - What? Come on.

You just said, "If you need any help.."

You didn't let me finish

by "help," I meant that when you're done

I would read it and tell you it's very good.

Oh, come on. Come on.

I want to do this with you.

Wouldn't this be so much fun

to spend time together like this?

No.

Writing is what I do for a living.

I don't want to spend my free time writing.

But you love writing.

No.

It's-it's torture. It's excruciating.

Yeah, but lookit, I already have an idea.

I just need you to help me flesh it out, you know?

Because you are such a good writer, Ray.

I respect your talent so much.

Oh, don't even start with that

unless you're willing to back it up with sex.

Don't talk about sex. We're here.

Ma, Debra's thinking of writing a book.

- A sex book? - No.

No, no, no, no. A children's book.

I was just thinking of trying it.

Oh, I have a wonderful story for you, Debra.

When Robert was ten, he was in little league.

And before one of his games

I asked if he had to go to the bathroom.

And he said no.

So it's his turn with the bat

and, sure enough, he wets his pants.

Aw, isn't that charming?

Hey.

Is this about me?

Your mother was just telling the story

about how you wet your pants at home plate.

Ma!

It's for Debra's children's book.

It's gonna be in a book?

'Oh, no, Marie.'

Marie, please, I don't think I'm gonna use the story.

That's my story. You can't use it.

I have the rights to that story.

Robert, I'm not using the story.

Why not? It's an important story.

It has a moral about how kids shouldn't tease other kids

and how you should listen to your mother

and not hold it.

I tell you what. Whatever you do

I'll do the pictures for it.

Pictures?

I've dabbled in the visual arts.

I've painted some bullfighters

some nudes.

You painted naked ladies off a deck of dirty cards.

I had to.

After Robert was born, you stopped posing for me.

Frank!

What?

Okay, I have to gouge out my eyes.

You can't gouge out your mind's eye.

So do you want me to bring over my portfolio?

I'm gonna be concentrating on the story.

Hey, you know, Debra, I got a great story for you.

It's about a tall crime fighter.

Does he live with his parents?

Could.

No, no, no. I have another story for you, dear.

We were on a long car ride

and before we leave, I warn Robert--

Ma!

Look, mom, dad, everybody, Debra...

She's already got somebody who's gonna help her.

- Me. - Really?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It'll be fun, it'll be fun.

Okay, so thanks anyway.

Thank you.

Listen, Raymond, if you're gonna use the baseball story

at least put in that I was the one

who scored the winning run.

Nobody wanted to tag you.

Ray, I am so excited. Come on, hurry up.

We got to fire up the computer.

Yeah, don't hurt yourself.

Okay, it's--

You're in my chair.

Oh, sorry.

Here. You sit, and... here.

This. Okay.

This is so great, honey.

Alright.

What are you doing?

Getting ready. Getting ready.

I play a little "Galactic Defender" first.

What about the story?

In a minute. In a minute.

I just gotta save the Planet Krimulac.

Nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh.

Are you almost ready?

Because I have all these ideas.

One second. One second. One second.

Gotcha, you ugly green bastard.

Okay, good. Now here's my idea.

- I was thinking-- - Hold it. Hold it.

What is that?

I like to squeeze this 12 times.

Why?

You gotta respect the process. Gets the juices going.

Okay, you got enough juice there?

- 'Yeah.' - Okay.

So here's what I was thinking.

Do you remember that time

when Ally wanted to run away from home

and we let her pack her suitcase

with all her toys and her clothes?

- Oh, yeah, yeah. - Yeah?

Then she started talking about each thing

and where she got it, who gave it to her.

Yes, and by the time she was done packing

she'd forgotten that she wanted to run away from home.

Right, right, because of all the good memories in the stuff.

- Yeah. - Yeah.

Yeah, I like that idea. I really do.

- Oh, good! - Okay.

- Where are you going? - Bathroom.

We just got started.

I know, but when a good idea hits

I have to go to the bathroom.

Oh, no, come on. Ray, come on.

We're on a roll here.

Don't break the momentum. Please?

Alright.

You know, it's not good to hold it.

'Yeah.'

Okay.

So...

I was thinking

we make the main character a bunny.

Oh, a bunny?

Why, what's wrong with a bunny?

Hasn't the bunny thing been done, really?

Well, what did you have in mind?

Nothing.

No, no. Go ahead, tell me.

If you got something better, I want to know.

Okay.

How about a... dinosaur?

Ooh, a dinosaur?

What?

Eh, I don't know. I just think that's a little...

...trendy.

Well, bunny's hack.

Hack? You're calling me a hack?

I'm not calling you a hack. Your bunny's a hack.

No, no, no, the bunny is classic, Ray.

It's the dinosaur that has been done to death.

Look, look, it doesn't have to be the dinosaur.

I just hate the bunny.

Well, you got nothing, sweetie

so it's gonna be a bunny, okay?

Well, take my name off it.

Off of what? We haven't even started yet!

We spent the whole time

going through your satanic rituals.

Hey, that's how I work.

Oh, well, let me know when you're goofing off, okay?

Well, my "goofing off" supports this household.

Oh, and what I do doesn't support the household.

I'm just saying I get paid for what I do.

And I'm just dead weight?

No, but you asked me to help

and this is how I help.

Well, you know what, Ray? I don't want your help.

Good, good, good, good.

'Cause I didn't wanna help in the first place.

Okay, good. So everybody's happy.

Good!

- Hi. - Hi.

Sorry I'm late.

Yeah.

Oh, you're workin' on your thing?

Yes, yes, yes.

I was wonderin' are we still fighting?

What? No, no, no.

Good. Good.

I almost bought flowers.

Whoo!

So how was your day?

I can't do this.

It was such stupid idea

me trying to write a book.

Look, it just takes time, that's all.

Come on. Come on.

Look, there must be something good in here someplace--

No, no! Give... Not one word!

Ugh! I just hate this freakin' bunny!

Come on, you don't hate the bunny.

The bunny's good.

Hate him, Ray. Hate him.

I would want to run away, too

if I was stuck in a piece of crap like...

...that!

I don't know how you do it.

I don't know how you do it.

Every day, writing?

It's hell. It's hell.

Well...

...yeah.

I try not to bring it home.

Guess you've gotten a little peek there.

I mean, it's not all hangin' out at the games

with the guys and the hot dogs

and the make-your-own sundaes.

Well...

I suck. Goodnight.

You know, it's not easy for anybody.

Come on. I mean, in the beginning...

I remember when I was just a beat writer

covering the local high school games.

I was obviously pretty talented

but I was just a diamond in the rough, really.

We'll pick up on this tomorrow, alright?

Remind me where I was.

Oh, still the man.

Morning, everybody.

- 'Hey.' - Good morning.

Hey.

What were you doing up so late?

I looked at the clock. It was 4:30.

Ta-da!

What's this?

Oh, my gosh. This is the story.

You did the whole thing.

I felt bad 'cause you got stuck

so I rearranged a couple of things.

I ironed out some of the rough spots, that's all.

Look, look. I went with the bunny.

You were right. The bunny's good.

The bunny's classic. Kids love the bunny.

Yeah.

Okay. Thanks.

You're welcome.

Alright. I'm gonna grab some sleep.

Enjoy.

Winky.

Oh, he named the bunny Winky.

Hey, hey. Guess who I talked to today.

Gerry Ashley.

Who's that? That's my publisher friend.

He's gonna look at the book tomorrow.

Oh, honey, it's not quite done yet.

What are ya talkin' about? I finished it.

Yeah, well, I mean, you know

your version had some good stuff in it

but it, uh, it wasn't quite there yet, you know?

- You're rewriting me? - 'No.'

'No.'

It was just minor, you know?

Minor tweaks.

You made it rhyme.

Yeah. Yeah. Kids love rhymes.

And it came really easy to me.

"The bunny hopped here. The bunny hopped there.

The bunny hop-hopped to the top of the square."

What?

Isn't that a little cutesy?

Cutesy?

Ah, you're the one that named your bunny "Winky."

Hey, I didn't even want the bunny.

I went with the bunny for you, okay?

And as long as I'm stuck with a bunny

Winky's a perfect name for a bunny.

It's not better than Clive.

Clive?

Clive?

What, are you from piccadilly?

'Ello. I'm Clive.

I'm 'appy to be alive.

First of all, that is the worst British accent

I have ever heard, alright?

Second of all, stay away from my story.

I saved your story. You had nothin'.

I made it into something.

- Who asked you? - You did!

No, I asked you to do it with me

not for you to do it.

Well, I'll tell you what I'm not doin'.

I'm not showing Clive to Gerry Ashley.

Okay, fine just forget about your big-shot publisher friend.

Let's ask Ally which one she likes best.

Fine! Wake her up!

No! We're not gonna wake her up.

We'll read it to her over the next couple of days.

I'll read her Clive, and you can read her Winky.

Yeah, good. You're on!

- Huh? You man enough? - Yes, I'm man enough.

Good, good. 'Cause Clive's goin' down!

And Winky was glad to be home

even though she had never... really... left.

The end.

so how do you like that story?

It was good.

Yeah?

So between, uh, between that story

and the one that mommy read you last night

which one.. did you like...

...better?

Better?

Yeah, between Clive and Winky?

Winky.

Oh, yeah?

Why?

Winky was funny.

How about that?

And you like Winky the best?

I love you.

And.. And you like the name Winky, right?

Yes.

Oh!

Hey.

Oh, you done already?

Yeah.

Yeah? Well, is there a decision?

Yeah!

Mm-hmm?

Well?

She picked yours.

Really?

Yeah, Clive. Clive all the way.

- No kidding? - Yep.

- She liked mine better. - Yep.

Why are you lying to me?

- What? - You're lying to me.

You get that from "yep"?

No, I listened outside of Ally's door.

Why would you do that?

Because I knew you would lie to me!

Oh, yeah, I lied, but the nice way.

I don't need you to protect my feelings, Ray.

Don't you think I can handle it

that I write a children's story

and my own daughter doesn't even like it?

- No, of course you can. - Yeah, yeah, yeah.

First, you win, then you rob me

of the opportunity to lose with dignity!

I think you lost that when you listened at the door.

Fine, Ray, fine.

You know, I try to do something

to make me feel better about myself

and I end up making you feel better about yourself.

Thank you.

Look, come on.

You should feel better about yourself.

You came up with the whole idea for the story.

I just.. I found a way to make it work, that's all.

Yeah, great, so I'm just the idea person.

You're the guy that can make it all happen.

Sometimes-sometimes I'm just the idea person.

Right? Like with raising the kids.

I think they should eat.

You know how to feed them.

Right?

I think they shouldn't be naked.

You know what to do there too, right?

If it was up to me, they'd be eatin' cereal every day

and wearin' the boxes.

So great. I'm a good mother.

I knew that.

I just.. I wanted to do something else.

You did.

Look, you wanted to write a children's book

and you wrote one.

Yeah, the loser one.

No, there's no losing.

There wouldn't be this stupid competition

if you hadn't asked me for help.

You know what ruined it for you?

Me.

- That's true. - Yeah, it is.

You could have done this on your own.

And I think I remember asking you not to include me

five days ago, remember...

...when you didn't hate me?

Yeah, that's true too.

So I guess, if I want to get something accomplished

I should just stay away from you.

There you go.

Yeah, 'cause, like, what was I thinking

asking you to help me?

That's exactly, uh, right.

Yeah, because I do like my story better.

You should. It's good.

Yeah, but who cares what you think, right?

And Ally probably only liked your story better

because it's the last one that she heard.

I don't know... I don't know about that.

Come on, I mean you were really selling your version.

You were, like, makin' all the goofy faces, weren't you?

You were outside the door.

And were you hoppin' like a bunny too?

I was... it served the story.

Yeah, yeah.

Ray.

Winky doesn't hop like a... drunk.

'Ello, Clive.

A spot o' ice cream?

You know, that's not an accent, Ray.

That's a speech impediment.

Hey, Raymond. Thought I'd better warn you.

Dad's on his way over with his favorite portrait.

- Oh, no. - Mom?

Hey, everybody.

So you don't think your old man's a painter, huh?

Dad, dad, dad, dad--

Look at this!

The greatest bullfighter of all time

"El Cordobes."

I found him on the back of a King of Spades.

- That's good. - That's really good, Frank.

- Yeah, nice. - Oh, yeah!

And here's one of your mother.