Original subtitles

Ally, no popsicles before dinner.

- When is dinner? - As soon as daddy gets home.

Oh! See? That's him right now.

- 'See? It's working fine.' - 'Well, just check it.'

Frank, Marie, what are you doing out here?

'Fixing your light.'

Oh, we didn't wanna disturb you during dinner.

But your motion sensor light is not working properly.

- Seems to be working just fine. - Now, yes.

But something must be wrong with it.

Because it didn't go on when Raymond came home.

No, Ray's not home yet.

Did you get us that light so you would know when Ray gets home?

Also for your protection.

You know, instead of you looking for that light

we could just send white smoke up the chimney.

No.

I wouldn't want to bother you.

No, no, the-the light system works fine.

Hi, I'm Ray and I live here in Long Island with my wife, Debra.

My six-year-old daughter and twin two-year-old boys.

Whee.

My parents...

...live across the street.

That's right.

And my brother lives with 'em.

Now, not every family would defy gravity for you

but mine would because--

Everybody loves Raymond.

Hey, you didn't, uh...

- Hello? - Frank.

No, never mind. It's not the light.

'I know! God forbid you should ever listen to me.'

But, Ray, you promised.

Come on, I made lemon chicken and everything.

He's not coming home for dinner?

It might be the lemon chicken.

Yeah, she's here. Yeah, so is your dad.

Pretty much everyone but you, again.

- I smell lemon chicken. - It's no good.

No, I-I understand.

Yeah, okay, I'll save you some.

- Okay, bye. - It's terrible.

- It's just terrible. - 'What?'

Raymond doesn't come home for dinner.

Marie, Ray has the kind of job

where he just can't leave at 5 o'clock.

I mean, you know, games go into overtime

and players have to be interviewed.

It's just, lots of things come up at the last minute.

Let me ask you this delicately.

Is it possible he doesn't want to come home?

What's the blunt version of that?

You kick me as you say it?

Oh, no, I mean, I just read an article about

this very thing in "The New York Times."

We get "Newsday" every day.

What are you buying "The Times" for?

I like the obituaries. They're very well-written.

You don't even know those people.

Well, I feel that I do after I read about them.

So you've got a bunch of new friends, all dead.

Frank, Marie. So-so what did the article say?

Well, according to some new research

a lot of people stay at work longer than they have to.

They're happier at the office.

It's easier.

Yeah, there's-there's friends and chitchat

and whereas at home, there are kids and mess and...

Nagging?

Well, I don't think that Ray would...

Oh, now I've upset you.

Oh. Forget everything I just said.

You know what?

It's probably just the lemon chicken.

Alright, Barone lines up for the kick

with a look of determination.

Or is that stupidity?

It's a tough kick.

Barone's been battling a hangnail all season.

Alright, already!

Are you ever off?

Come on, a little lower, Andy.

It's into the wind...

It's a bit of a drizzle too.

Here it is. Here's the kick.

It's up. It's good!

- He cheated. - No cheating.

Good! It's...

Hey! Hey, my wife's here, everybody.

Hey, my wife.

Hi, what are you, what are you doing here?

I brought you dinner.

What? Really? Wow. Okay.

Yeah, I thought you were working.

Thought you had a column due.

Yeah.

I do. I do.

I do. It's a tough one too.

Oh, the one on paper football?

No, no, no, I know this looks bad

but writing doesn't only happen when you're writing.

Big part of writing is actually the thinking.

Sometimes you're just, you're thinking and thinking

and thinking, and you gotta just say, "Hey, whoa

"stop thinking about it

so you can just really think about it."

That's what we were doing here with the paper football thing.

Just letting the thoughts gel up.

What? I know, I know. Look, it sounds crazy.

But that is the writing process.

So now you know.

Yes, I do.

What? Come on, what?

Come on, we're just working here, that's all.

- Pizza in the house! - Alright!

Oh, pizza?

What, did somebody have a baby?

- Hey, Debra. - Dave.

If she's eating, it's coming out of your slices.

- Yeah. - I am an idiot.

- You're not. - Oh, come on.

I've been staying up late

to reheat food for you.

I know, and I love it. I love it.

Come on, is that lemon chicken?

- I love it. - Your mom was right.

Oh, now, that's crazy talk.

You know, she read this article in "The New York Times"

about people like you who would rather be at work than at home.

I wouldn't rather be at work.

Believe me, I wish I wasn't here right now.

Why not?

I mean, this is a lot more fun

than cleaning up and raising kids

and paying the bills.

Boy, I wish I had someplace to hide out.

I'm not hiding out.

I'm earning a living

which was your idea, I believe.

Look, come on, don't you think I'd rather be with you guys?

Hey, if you want pizza, you'd better get in there.

- They're animals! - Andy.

Alright! Wheel of fortune!

Hey, we're kind of busy here, Andy.

- Oh, that is so easy! - Andy!

"It ain't over till the fat lady sings."

I got it in two letters. Ray usually needs four.

Yeah, could you maybe watch that

in the other room, please?

Look, I'm sorry.

They got the game highlights on.

They're, like, nuts in there with the sports.

So this is working, huh?

This is part of work.

Yeah, you could do this at home, Ray.

You thinking of working at home, Ray?

What? No. No, Andy.

That's not what we're talking about, Andy.

I mean, that would be great, but I can't.

- Why not? - That one guy does.

Oh, my god. Oh, my god, they got "Fat lad sings."

They still can't get it!

- Who works at home, Andy? - Golden from The Post.

They set him up with a satellite dish, a fax, and a modem.

He never has to leave the house.

Yeah, you ever read his stuff?

It's like he's phoning it in

'cause, well, he is.

So you don't want to.

I do. I just...

Look, I don't think my boss would let me.

You said your boss liked you.

Likes him? They share a coffee mug.

We do not, Andy.

Andy. Andy.

Look at me when I'm talking to you.

It's obvious you don't want to be home, Ray.

I do.

Look, I'll talk to Bill tomorrow.

Bill's in there.

Thank you, Andy.

I'll miss you.

Okay, kids, say goodbye to daddy.

Why isn't daddy going to work?

Daddy's at work. I'm working at home.

Can I go to school at home?

Mm, no, you wouldn't like it.

None of your friends are here. No one to talk to. All alone.

- You'll be fine. - Me? I'm happy.

Look at me, I'm going to work in my bathrobe.

I'm like Hugh Hefner minus everything good about his life.

Oh, look, the guy's here with your stuff.

- Yeah. - Ray Barone?

- Yeah. - Guy from tech support.

Your satellite dish is in the truck.

I got your fax machine and your modem.

- Where do you want it? - The office.

I want it back at the office.

I wanna be back at my office.

Where do you want it?

- Hook it up downstairs. - Where?

Right through that door there.

Careful.

Don't fall and break it...

...unless you want $30.

You heard me.

What's going on at work?

Lunch? Aw.

Hey, don't order the meatball sandwich.

Oh.

No, no, it's great. Everything's great here.

Yeah, I got one of those nice, uh

home office setup things.

Yeah.

'Hello! Anybody home?'

Hey, I gotta go.

'Debra? Are you down there?'

I'm not dressed!

- 'Raymond?' - He's not dressed either.

What-what are you doing home?

- Come on down. Raymond's home. - Oh, boy.

What are you doing in your robe, darling? You sick?

No.

You were fired?

I wasn't fired.

I wanted to work at home

so I'd have more time to spend with my family.

Oh.

- Aw, that's so nice. - Yeah.

You wanted to spend more time with us.

No, no, no, no, no.

This family. My family.

Oh.

I can remember when we were your family.

Ah, anyway, I got a lot of work to do, so--

Hey, Raymond, let me ask you

do these pants look alright to you?

Are you still growing?

She hemmed 'em. They're two inches too short.

It's nice to see a little sock.

Ma, I'm out there with criminals, okay?

It's life or death. I have to be taken seriously.

You know, why don't you

make 'em into shorts like the mailman?

The mailman?

You're so unappreciative, Robert.

Okay, ma, fine.

I just won't get out of the squad car, okay?

Let's hope there's no crime today.

And that'll give me time to just maybe go by the post office

and I can talk about fashion tips

with the other mailmen.

...with an envelope or a package that maybe I can deliver.

Alright, thanks for, uh, stopping by and whatever.

Oh, look at that.

Yeah, that's a, it's a fax machine, ma.

I got a lot of important faxes coming in,

and I gotta get to them, alright?

- What's this one? - This is from Dave.

Apparently he's faxed me... his buttocks.

I don't like that, Raymond.

Yeah. Yeah, yeah, I got it, Dave.

Thanks. Yeah.

My mom's looking at it right now.

Never mind what is she wearing.

Alright, listen, ma, I got a lot of stuff--

- Ray! - Yeah!

Yes, Deb, I'm coming right up.

He's working!

Ma, it's okay, alright?

I-I need a little break now.

How would you sit on one of those?

- Hey, you're home. Good. - Yeah.

- Look, mom's here. - Hi.

- Ray, what happened here? - Oh, coffee pot.

There was a little bit in there when I went downstairs.

- Okay, alright, I'll fix it. - No, don't.

Just-just remember next time to shut it off, okay?

Unless you want the fire department

to come and shut it off.

Will they do that? Really?

Marie, what is this?

Oh, that's not mine, dear.

Oh, Dave wanted to see if the fax machine was working

and that's the test.

That's Dave.

Didn't recognize him without a cigarette.

Yeah, he's trying to quit.

You wanna help me unload the bags from the car, hmm?

Oh, you know, I would, but I gotta get back to work.

Yeah, but it'll just take, like, five minutes.

Hey, I'm working at home

which means that I'm home, but I'm working, you know?

I mean, I'm here during the day

you should just pretend that I'm not here.

Okay, alright. You're right.

I'm sorry. Sorry.

Alright, I'll help with the bags.

Don't be silly, sweetie.

No, no, no.

There's no problem. I'm here.

You go to work, Raymond, and I can help Debra.

No, no, no!

Now, that way, everybody'll be happy.

Oh, cookies from a log.

You heat them up.

Well, that's almost baking.

"It was the best of games.

It was the worst of games."

"Dear readers, as you must have realized by now

I am a fraud."

'Hey, Geoffrey.'

What, are you home from preschool already? Huh?

- Yeah. - Yeah? What do you got?

What do you got?

Oh, your tortoise and the hare disk?

I can't. I can't play now.

Daddy's working. I...

Come on, see? Daddy's doing his column.

Don't look yet.

'Don't you wanna go upstairs and play, huh?'

Mommy's got pudding.

Alright, come here.

Come on.

- Let's see what we got. - I gonna read it.

- Wanna put this on? - Put it on.

Alright.

Ohh.

Huh?

Oh, look, your brother's here too.

Yeah. This is like the ice cream truck, this music.

Come on. Let's see what we got.

Oh, Mrs. Hare, huh? Let's click on her.

Hey, Ray, there's a trail of ants

leading to a half-eaten sandwich up there.

Have 'em bring it down.

Dishes in the sink, okay? Hey, boys, come on.

You can't bother daddy while he's working.

We gotta go pick up Ally. Come on.

Um, you know what?

- They don't have to go. - Well, what do you mean?

You told me to pretend you weren't here.

Yeah, I know, but look, if I'm gonna work at home

this is part of home, right?

Okay, if you're sure you're gonna be okay

'cause I got errands to run and--

I'm okay, I'm okay.

- Go ahead. Yeah. - 'Alright.'

Alright, let's see.

Ba-boom!

Double shot, one head to the other!

Oh-hoo!

Come on, give me a high-five!

High-five on the nose.

Hey!

Hey. High-five on the nose.

Hey! Hey. Here's a little game.

♪ If you're happy and you know it smack your dad ♪

Hey! Hey!

Oh, Wisenheimer! Wisenheimer.

That calls for a belly sandwich.

Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo! Whoo-hoo-hoo!

Alright, alright, put the kids away.

- The game is on. - What game?

Any game. We saw the satellite dish.

You got games floating around all over.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Pull something down!

You know, I-I got to get back to work.

You know, I've been interrupted all day here.

Look at all those channels.

That's a gift from God.

- Did work pay for this, too? - Yeah.

- Well, maybe-- - I can't get you one.

- How about for me? - No.

- Maybe a discount-- - Nothing.

- At least you could ask. - Shut up!

- Just watch. - Wait, what is this?

Hawaii 5-0.

What language is that?

Holy crap, that's Korean!

Leave this on!

- This is coming in from Korea? - 'Yeah.'

Hey, anybody wanna order pizza?

You know, I could've been a pretty good hockey player.

You know, I'm big, had the toughness

good hand-eye coordination.

Yeah, but eventually you would've had to

let go of the side.

- Hey, pizza! - Hey!

Ballerina!

Ray, w-what's going on?

I thought you were gonna be working.

I am working. See, pencil.

Ray, can I talk to you?

I'm working.

In the kitchen, please?

I'll call you if there are any fights.

I may be calling you.

Oh, my god!

And I'm-I'm gonna clean it all up right now.

Where are the twins? Are they under here somewhere?

They're, uh, napping.

They're napping?

It's 5 o'clock!

Ray, they're gonna be up all night now!

I know. I couldn't help it.

They fell asleep during Hawaii Bing-Bao.

You know, I-I know you did this for me

and-and-and I really appreciate you trying...

What is this stuck to my non-stick pan?

Those are crayons. Funny story--

Don't. Don't. Don't.

You know what? Ooh.

You're-you're probably not getting

too much work done here, are you?

Oh, no, actually, I'm getting all the games

you know, and I like watching them without pants.

I know, but, like

I-I see all these distractions, you know?

Your mother and the kids, your father, your brother.

Your mother.

What I'm saying is,

if you wanna go back to the office

I will understand.

Wait, wait, you're the one who told me--

I know, Ray. I was wrong, okay?

Please, go back to the office!

I can't take it! I can't live this way!

Hey, what are you talking about?

- Just get out! - Alright, calm down!

I can't! I can't! Look at the coffee pot! Again, Ray!

And the, the schmutz is all dripping out, and the...

Look at them!

God!

Don't you miss your friends?

Alright, alright, I'll go back.

Look, I thought I was doing this for you.

Thanks, no. You-you've done enough for me.

Really, okay?

It's just that...

What?

Well, I was playing with the kids today

and it was kind of fun.

You know, I like seeing them when they

just come home from school.

They-they tell me about their lunch and their snack

and I got the boo-boo report.

It's nice.

Yeah, I know, but, I mean, I know you

and you're gonna get tired of that after a while, aren't you?

Oh, yeah, I don't need to hear it again

but... it was fun today.

Good. Then that's good.

So... you'll go?

You know, I don't get you.

You weren't happy when I wasn't here

and now you're not happy when I am here.

Yes, it's... confusing, isn't it?

Ah, well, I guess that

what I want is for you to want to be here

but not actually be here.

I can do that.

You know, I can wanna be here whenever you want.

Good. Yeah. That's good.

And-and maybe you could just try to be home for dinner sometimes.

- I will. - Okay, good.

Thanks, Ray.

So, you wanna go back to your game?

Well, I, I could pretend I'm at the office

and just, you know, take a little break.

Mm. Just like at the office.

"'Pumpkin man, pumpkin man, pumpkin man'

"'why are you looking at me like that?'

Said the worm."

Hey, you wanna do a chapter?

Mm-mm, you're the one who had to give them a nap.

You keep reading.

What time do the cartoons start?

00 a.m.

Alright, come on. We're going downstairs.

Why?

Maybe there's cartoons on in Korea.