Original subtitles

At the last green the 72nd hole of this--

Ugh. Golf again?

I could walk through here naked. You wouldn't even notice.

You're not tiger woods.

21 years old.

You know, he started when he was three.

I should've been out there when I was three.

What the hell was I thinking?

Dead center again--

- Unbelievable. Oh, man. - He's amazing.

What's that, three wins already this year?

That's four. That's four.

- Where's he going? - Where he always goes.

To hug his father, you idiot.

Alright, take it easy.

- Got to check the car. - Yeah. Yeah.

- You want a soda? Alright. - Yeah.

Hi, I'm ray, and I live here in Long Island

with my wife Debra...

...my six-year-old daughter and my twin two-year-old boys.

My parents...

...live across the street.

That's right.

And my brother lives with them.

Now, not every family would defy gravity for you

but mine would because--

Everybody loves Raymond.

Hey, you didn't, uh...

Ray, did you check Micheal's diaper?

I think he's okay.

Man, I don't even think I could pass that test.

Oh, man, it's-it's hard to watch golf

'cause I just want to get out there and play.

- I know, me too. - Hmm.

Let's go. Let's, let's go tomorrow.

No, no, I can't tell Debra I wanna go golfing now.

I just got back from five days on the road.

Just see what she says, Ray.

No, I'll get in trouble just for asking.

I'm not even gonna try.

You know what we could do?

If you ask me in front of her

as if you're asking me for the first time, right

and then I'll turn you down.

She'll think that I'm being thoughtful, you know

and then we just hope Santa takes the cookies.

Oh, yeah!

I like it. Let's do it. Let's try it.

As-as soon as she comes down, we'll do it.

- Okay. - Just sit, don't...

Look normal. Don't do anything.

- You're gonna put your foot up? - I don't have to.

- No, you put yours up. - I'm up! I'm up.

- Put the popcorn here. - That's good.

Soon as she comes down.

You want me to make a noise?

What do you mean, "make a noise"?

She's not geese. Just relax.

Supposed to be nice tomorrow, Ray.

Oh, yeah? I heard.

Hey, we should go golfing.

Yeah, tomorrow?

No, no, I just got back from the road.

I wanna be home.

Good to be home.

Come on, we'll go to Westchester. They just resodded.

Did they? Did they resod that?

- New grass. - Oh, man.

Sounds great, but I-I can't. I-I can't go golfing.

- No, no, no, I'm reading that. - Oh, sorry.

So I can't, Kevin.

Maybe... some other time.

Some other time we might not get out for free.

Free?

My buddy Mike, he works down at the pro shop.

He can comp us. You know, save us 100 bucks.

It's not about the money.

I've been gone for a week.

Nah, I-I can't.

- I think you should go, Ray. - Nah... yeah?

I just got back from the road. I want to.. Yeah?

Well...

You know, I mean, if you guys can save 100 bucks

then, yeah, go.

But then maybe you could lay off the golf

for a while after that, okay?

- Okay. - And I mean, you know.

Playing golf, golf on TV

computer golf, "Dorf On Golf."

Of course.

Of course, I don't... Kevin.

We're in.

Yeah, but what're you doing saying it's for free?

Ray, it wasn't working. I had to add a little sauce.

Hey, what's the difference? We're going golfing.

We are. I know. Told you it would work.

No, I knew it was going to work.

You're choking me.

Whoa!

I got to take a shower. I smell like the winner.

I didn't have my best game out there.

Yeah, well, that happens.

You know, Robert, you can't curse

that loud on a golf course.

Yep, you're right. It's just a game.

You know, it's just.. Come on!

Sorry.

Hey, hey, you guys wanna play another nine?

- I'm ready. - Let's go!

- Don't you have to go home? - Oh, I, uh...

I should. Debra's waiting. But you know what?

W-we're so early, if we hurry up, we stop talking

we can get nine more in, and she won't know the difference.

- She'll never know the-- - I'm gonna need some tees.

- I need some tees. - Okay.

I just need five more balls.

Yeah, well, stop taking them from my bag.

'I'll give them to you.'

I'm feeling, like, flushed all of a sudden.

No, let's go. Let's go.

No, I mean, I'm, like, a little jumpy here.

Yeah, me too. Come on. Let's get out there.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

I'm not feeling right here.

- Well, what is it, Raymond? - I don't know.

Something's going on here.

You have any tingling in your left arm or chest pains?

- Uh-uh. - Well, it's not a heart attack.

Alright, let's get going then.

Back up a little, will you? Back up.

Come on, give me room. Give me room.

How far do you want us to go?

I-I'm feeling crowded in here.

Ray, relax. You just got to relax.

- Yeah, sit down. - Shut up for a second?

Get him some water.

Make it a ginger ale!

Yeah, I'm gonna need a dollar.

Hey.

How you doing?

I'm fine, I'm, uh...

You know, I'm sorry about the...

You know what it could've been, Ray.

- 'What?' - Tick bite.

From a deer tick. A deer tick bite.

No, no, this wasn't a bite.

This was... something internal.

Maybe you have a fear of public speaking.

Maybe...

Maybe this whole thing is from guilt.

Guilt. From-from what?

From that trick that we pulled on Debra.

That was no trick on Debra.

We put on a little play for her, that's all.

- It was harmless, right? Yeah. - Yeah.

Sarah, don't be long, be in x-ray in ten minutes.

Tell the doctor to do a tick check.

Alright.

Hey, Ray, have a seat.

Oh, boy.

What's that supposed to mean?

It means you're welcome to sit.

Let's see.

Your EKG's fine.

Blood pressure is fine.

Hey, did I see your brother Robert in the waiting room?

- Yeah. - How are his feet doing?

Have they cleared up yet?

It's been a while since I've seen his feet, really.

I'll tell you, that was an uphill battle.

Anyway, Ray, from what I see here

you're in good health.

I think it was nothing more than a little anxiety.

Oh, man, is that it, the...

What did I have, an anxiety attack?

I prefer to call it an episode.

Robert's feet was an attack.

Ray, your mind is like, for lack of a better word, a donkey.

You can only throw so many bags on its back

before it lies down and won't get up.

- Right. - Right.

So you got to relieve some of that stress.

Do things that relax you. What do you enjoy doing?

Well, I...I like to golf.

Well, then, by all means, get out there

and play as much golf as you can.

Well, wait a minute.

Wait, that's where this episode happened.

Oh, that could have happened anywhere.

You've been on the road a lot, You've got a wife, three kids

parents across the street.

This was a long time coming.

Play some golf.

Wait, so, so I have to go home and tell my wife

that I need to play more... golf?

- Doctor's orders. - Ha!

Okay.

Let me ask you, would I see a podiatrist

or a proctologist to get a foot removed from my ass?

What the hell? Who's throwing chicken bones in here?

Holy crap.

Oh, time-out for grandpa.

- Frank, do you have to curse? - Do you want it fixed?

Bastard chicken bones!

I need my frigging needlenose.

Bones in the garbage!

So it must've been a good game. You're two hours late.

Yeah, well, something strange happened.

Really. What?

After golfing, uh...

...we were in the locker room, and I got this weird feeling.

Oh, Ray, you are not gay.

No, I know, you told me, but this was something else.

We...

You know, we just, we'd finished golfing...

Raymond, are you okay?

Your brother told me what happened.

- What happened? - Tell me what Dr. Sundram--

Oh, now, wait a minute. Doctor?

I went to the doctor on the way home.

He said I'm fine, he said

he said it was nothing more than stress. That's all.

Hey, I need some room to work here.

- Will you clear out? - Frank!

Raymond had an attack today.

Mom, stop, it was nothing.

It was anxiety. That's all.

An anxiety attack? Give me a break.

Everyone's having those nowadays. It's hip.

That's not funny, Frank. Our son has mental problems.

Listen, can I just talk to Ray, please?

Hey, you tell Debra about the doctor yet?

- Yeah, Robert. - Yeah.

You tell her what he

recommended for you?

What?

Nothing, nothing, he just...

He said, the doctor said I need to relax.

That's all.

Could you go? Could you guys go, really?

Alright, I'm hungry anyway.

- Come on, Marie. - No, feed yourself.

My son needs me.

Ah, cut the cord.

Ma, please, just go. Go with dad. It's okay. I'm fine.

- Alright. Alright. - I'm fine.

Only if you promise me to do

exactly what the doctor said.

I will. Please go. - Okay, okay.

Okay, so, so what did the doctor say?

What're you supposed to...

Robert, are you staying with us for dinner?

No, no, Amy's taking me out.

Someplace called Jozu.

Oh, that Japanese place.

Japanese?

They make you take your shoes off?

Yes.

I got to make a call.

So he told you to relax, huh? Are you gonna listen to him?

I think so. Yes.

So-so-so what did he tell you to do?

Like, you're supposed to take time off from work or...

No, no, no, no.

Uh, he actually said

what he thought would help me

was if I played more golf.

Dr. Sundram said, "Play more golf?"

I have a note.

- He wrote you a note. - I knew.

I knew you wouldn't believe it, so I went back

and I asked him to write it down.

- "More golf." - Hm!

It's very relaxing. I mean, I could get a second opinion--

No, no, no, uh...

I think that's what you should do.

- You do? - Yeah.

I mean, you know, it is really stressful around here.

And, uh, if playing golf makes you feel better

then play golf.

Hmm.

Wow! You're being very nice.

Well, honey, I mean, gosh, I want you to be okay.

Listen, I'll just take care of the kids, alright

and you sit here before dinner and take it easy.

And guess what, I made you some lemon chicken.

- Hi, Debra. - Hi, Marie.

The kids in school?

Yeah, yeah, I got, like, half an hour

to get everything done before I have to go pick them up.

- Uh-huh. Where's ray? - Oh, he's, uh, out golfing.

- Oh, that's good. Yeah,. - Yeah.

- I'm worried about you, though. - Oh.

Are you okay, honey?

I mean, you-you look a little drained.

Oh, you know, I-I'm just a little tired, that's all.

- Well, why don't you sit down? - Well, I really can't.

'Cause I've got a lot to do before--

Yeah, you can sit right down here for just a second.

- Just for a minute. - There you go.

Thanks.

Listen, I know this has been hard on you, honey

and you're doing everything you can for Raymond

but maybe the way you can help him relax is very simple.

What do you mean?

Well, I couldn't help wondering, dear...

...are you making yourself available to him?

- Y-y-you know what I'm talk-- - Please, Marie!

Listen, you know Raymond doesn't like to ask for--

Do we have to talk about this?

- I'm just trying to help. - Marie.

You know, I didn't say anything when you told me

how Ray liked his underwear folded

but this is over the line.

Well, I'm sorry

but Raymond needs your help.

Debra, you...

Have a glass of wine first.

Come on, Ray, you didn't lose a bet.

You paid for a lesson.

Hey, way to go, Robert. You didn't curse once today.

Yeah, I'm getting better.

Loser!

- Hey, let's play nine more. - I'm in.

- No, I don't wanna. - Well, what do you mean?

I just, I don't feel like playing.

Oh, no, you're freaking out again?

Look, I had that anxiety attack

because I tricked Debra, okay.

And now I'm getting this free ride out of it

that I don't deserve. I'm going home.

- Just nine more. - Don't you see me out there?

I'm not enjoying the game.

You're not keeping your head down.

Look, i-it's enough already.

I have to talk to Debra.

You wanna play just you and me?

Okay, but you got to give me more strokes.

- Why, are you tired? - Nah, think my hand's broken.

Deb, I'm home.

Deb, where are you?

'I'm up here. In the bedroom.'

- Where are the kids? - 'They're at Linda's house.'

Good. Come down, will you? I-I wanna talk to you.

'I think you might want to come up.'

It's three o'clock.

This can't be sex. Come down, will you?

'Alright, but I'll have to put clothes on.'

Comin' up.

Wow!

That was really, really nice.

So, yeah, it wasn't a bad day for you, huh?

This and golf.

Oh, yeah, golf.

Yeah, that's what I wanted to talk to you about before.

Okay, so tell me now.

Okay, uh...

You know the other day when I had that episode?

- Yes, you poor baby. - Yeah.

I don't think it was because I need to play more golf.

I think it was because I was feeling guilty

about tricking you into letting me play golf.

What';re you talking about? I told you to go.

No, no, no, no.

No, you-you only thought that you did.

Ray, come on, I was there when I said it.

Yeah, it was...

...kind of a con job.

- What? - It was funny, it was...

Yeah, well, it was the whole

Kevin asking me in front of you

me turning him down.

We kind of played you.

Sorry.

So-so what about t-the doctor's note

where he tells you to play golf forever?

That was real.

So when you told the doctor that you tricked me

into letting you play golf,

he recommended more golf?

I might've left out the tricking part.

- Really? Yeah. - I was gonna tell him.

But then when he prescribed golf, I kind of... forgot.

You forgot.

You lied to me

and then, because you feel bad about it

I have to make sure that you relax.

Well, I mean, I never meant for that to happen.

You have some nerve.

- I know, I know, but-- - Oh!

Don't get too overworked, Ray.

Oh, let Ray relax. He just had an episode.

- Look, I never thought that-- - Oh, my God!

What about me, Ray, huh?

When do I get to have an episode?

I think I deserve an episode, huh?

When do I get to have my little...

Oh, wait a minute, alright?

Now, you're making fun of an illness now.

What else was a trick? What else was a trick?

Your mother coming over here to tell me

to have sex with you?

What?

Yep, this is what I have to put up with

while you're off playing golf, your mother coming over here

and telling me it'll help you relax

if I make myself available to you.

Oh, my God, did you just have sex with me

because my mother told you to?

Eww!

- Oh, how sick is that? - Very.

What did.. I'm thinking of my mother now!

- Ewww! - Ewww!

How could you listen to her?

Because I love you, Ray. I care about you.

I'm not the one running off to play golf

to get away from me.

You don't think I care about you.

Why do you think I'm confessing?

Don't you see? I feel guilty.

Guilt! Guilt! That means love.

Huh? I had to come home and confess.

Yeah, but you waited until after we had sex.

Well, you're very good-looking!

I'm sorry. Look, I'm never gonna play golf again.

- Oh, yes, you will. - I know I will.

Not as much.

I promise and-and only if I know

it doesn't take anything away from us.

Ever. Really.

I mean it. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

Okay.

Idiot.

I know. I know.

Look, if you ever need time

to take for yourself I want you to do it.

You know what we should do i-is find something

fun to do together.

- There you go. - You know.

We should play golf together.

Yeah.

That would be relaxing.

- You're set, right? - Yeah. Yep.

Come on, Ray, we only got two hours till tee time.

You know it's gonna rain today, don't you?

Oh, yeah?