Original subtitles

Oh, look who's here.

Guys, I got to go, okay? I'm late.

- Okay. - I'll see you guys.

- Alright, bye. - Bye.

- 'Bye, dad.' - Bye.

I'm late.

Yeah, ray, listen, Ally drew this picture of our family.

And now she wants to put it up on the fridge.

- Yeah, so? - Well, look at it.

There's Ally and the twins and there's you and me and...

...look at your parents.

Oh, she made 'em giants.

- Yeah. - With sharp teeth and claws.

Yeah, and they're attacking our house.

Stop it, I'm showing him.

No, this way. It goes this way.

She's very perceptive.

We can't put this on the fridge.

Your parents are gonna see it.

Do you like my picture, daddy?

Um, yes, I do. I do, sweetie.

Honey, how come you made grandma and grandpa look so scary?

That's not grandma and grandpa.

Those are Halloween monsters.

- Oh. - Okay. Okay.

Grandma and grandpa aren't monsters.

- Ah, youth. Yeah. - Yup.

Hi, I'm Ray, and I live here in Long island

with my wife Debra...

...my six-year-old daughter, and twin two-year-old boys.

'Whee!'

My parents...

...live across the street.

That's right.

And my brother lives with them.

Now, not every family would defy gravity for you

but mine would because--

Everybody loves Raymond.

Hey, you didn't...

They're gonna call it, man. There's no way.

There's no way they're gonna get it in.

So none of these are real massages?

Well, Andy, why would a real masseuse

have a black bar across her eyes?

You know why? The black matches her whip.

So... so all of this is sex?

Yes, it's sex.

Then these prices are very reasonable.

Press box.

Yeah, hold on one second.

Kevin, it's Roy Firestone.

- Ooh. Roy's calling. - "Ooh. Roy's calling."

"I'm on TV with Roy.

Mmm, Roy Firestone."

Now, you're not a little jealous, are you, Andy?

No, I'm not jealous.

So Kevin does the play-by-play for the Mets.

And I'm just his humpbacked stat guy.

Well, you know what?

Without me, he wouldn't know what to say.

He'd open up his mouth, and meat would fall out.

Thanks. Yep, I'll tell him now.

'Alright, Roy.'

Yeah! You know who that was?

That was Roy freaking Firestone.

Did he ask you to a sleepover?

You, my friend, are gonna be on TV.

Me? What-what are you talking about?

Harvey Johnson's taking a vacation and Roy wants you

to fill in with us on Sportscall with Roy Firestone.

Get out of here. Come on, I don't, I don't know TV.

I'm a sportswriter.

Roy specifically asked for a newspaper guy

or a Chinese person.

Wait a minute. Wait, wait, wait, that's a live TV show.

It's 30 minutes. Come on, it's the easiest money you ever made.

Easier than the 40 bucks he got

when you couldn't do seven push-ups?

It was ten, Andy.

I couldn't do ten push-ups.

It doesn't matter because you stopped after two.

So you're in, right?

I don't know. I gotta...

Come on, I gotta think it over.

Like, I gotta let 'em know tonight, Ray.

Roy wants me?

Come on, he knows who I am.

Everybody knows who you are.

You know sports, you, you get to the heart

the poetry, that is sports.

Oh, I'm having the stomach that is nauseous.

You sure he knows me?

- Yes! - He-he's read my stuff?

He knows it all. Come on!

But you think I'll do alright on there?

- You're gonna do great, man. - Alright, I'll do it.

Yeah, that's the man I know.

- Oh, man, I got to call Debra. - Yeah, look at you.

Debra's gonna flip, man, when she hears this.

Whoo! TV big shot.

Hi. Oh, hi, Michael.

Michael answered the phone. His first time.

- He's never done that. - Huh, first time.

What is he, 14 now, Ray?

He's two.

Yeah, hi, it's daddy.

No, I know daddy's not home.

I'm daddy.

No, I'm daddy!

Yeah, I, is mommy--

Hello? No, don't go get daddy!

He-he dropped the phone.

Is somebody there? Somebody there to pick up the phone?

Debra. I hear you, Debra.

You're walking right by the phone now.

Look down. Look down, Debra!

I'm in the phone!

You know what my mother did?

She sent flyers out all over the neighborhood.

My father told everybody at the elks.

Give me, give me some tips, man. Tell me something.

Just make love to the camera, Ray.

- Hey, what do you say, fellas? - Hey, Roy.

How you doin'? Good to see you. You all know James Worthy.

Hey, James, good to see you again.

- Ray, good to see you again. - James, how are you?

You all ready for the big show?

I guess so.

I don't do TV much.

Ever.

First time.

Kind of got some butterflies going.

Well, you know, I don't get the butterflies.

I just throw up before every live show.

'We're live in 30 seconds.'

Wait, I didn't throw up yet. This is...

How do you sit? Do you sit, do you cross your legs much?

I don't, but I can't.

'Okay, everybody, stand by.'

'In 5, 4, 3, 2..'

- Listen, can I get a... - Hello again, everyb-body.

I'm Roy Firestone, and this is Sportscall.

Our guest all this week from the Great Laker championship team

is Mr. James Worthy, and as always the radio voice

of the New York Mets, Mr. Kevin Daniels.

- Good to see you, Kevin. - Roy. James.

How are you, folks?

And a brand-new face from Newsday.

'A fine columnist, Mr. Ray Barone.'

- Good to see you, Ray. - Howdy.

Our subject tonight Athletes and steroids.

As you might know, there's an increasing use

of the steroids among amateur athletes

and, Ray, you wrote a very interesting piece about that.

Yes, I did, Roy.

Why don't you tell us about that, Ray?

Um... it's a growing problem.

It's a growing problem.

- Steroids is... - Right.

I'd say it's even, it's gotten to be a bit of a...

- Mmm... - Epidemic?

No, no, no, it's not an epidemic.

It's out of control. It's-it's kind of like a...

Epidemic.

Yeah. Yeah.

What they-what they did was, they took a group

of Olympic athletes, and they axed them if using steroids

would guarantee you a gold medal but would also kill you

uh, in five years, would you still do it?

64% of them said yes.

- Wow, really? - That's alarming.

I really enjoyed the piece. A terrific piece.

- You did a great job. - Oh, thanks. Thanks, Roy.

You know-you know when a program succeeds like that

a lot of that stuff just gets swept right under the rug.

- Right. - Yeah, yeah.

And what's gonna happen is that it's later that these kids

are gonna realize that, oh, they've made

a horrible mistake, you know?

They don't realize it at first

but what happens is, you know

they're sacrificing what once

you know, was the ideal.

The ideal dream. The American dream.

But I have to tell you this one thing...

Hello.

- Hooray! - Yay! Yay!

What are you doing? Come on.

- Capturing the moment. - Alright, come on, dad.

- Cut it out. - Great action shot!

Oh, come on, Let me be the first one to hug my big TV star.

- Whoo! - Yeah, it wasn't that good.

Hey, Frank, take a picture.

- Ahaha. - Ah.

Ah, come on, come on, come on.

They should give you the show.

You're better than that other guy.

- Kevin? - No, no, the other one.

The one who was acting like the boss.

Roy Firestone?

You were the whole show!

Come on.

Now you got television.

Way to go.

Actually I felt a little awkward there, you know.

Oh, you'd never know. Uh-uh.

Here's James Worthy listening to you talk.

Oh, dad what? You took pictures of me on the television.

Sure. How often is my son on the tube?

I was on when we busted John Gotti.

Yes, but you didn't have any lines, dear.

- So what did you think? - Oh, you were great.

What did they say at the show?

- Yeah, I think they liked me. - Yeah?

Of course they liked you!

It was like watching Joe Garagiola.

Look, this one, this is Roy smiling

at something I said right there.

- Oh. - I remember when he did that.

Yeah, I saw that. That was great.

- They like you. - Yeah.

Alright, alright, come on!

It's a TV show. That's all it is.

We could blow that one up. That one could get blown up.

Ray!

Hey, I was just talking to Kevin--

Hey look at this. Look at this.

Ally drew another picture of our family.

And she still says that these monsters aren't your parents.

Alright, so maybe...

...maybe they're not.

Ray, this one is bald,

And this one's carrying a covered dish.

You know what, save that.

Someday a therapist may wanna see it.

Listen, I was just talking to Kevin

and Harvey Johnson's gonna be out again tomorrow.

So they want me to do the show again.

Oh, I thought it was just a one-time deal.

Yeah, well, things went pretty well there.

Everybody seemed to like it, so I figured, hey, why not?

Hey, great, great.

Yeah, that's really great.

What?

Nothing.

Well, I mean, you're, you're pursing your lips.

What's wrong?

I'm not pursing.

- Puh-puh-puh! - What? No, I just...

Okay.

Okay, it's just, maybe before the next show

you could just practice a few words.

You kind of had a, just a little bit of trouble saying tonight.

- Like what... - Oh, no, no, no.

Don't get so excited. It is not a big deal.

Come on, I'm gonna, I'm gonna be on television. What are you--

Okay, look.

"Asterisk." You-you were, you were talking about some record

that had an asterisk next to it.

Yeah? Yeah?

Yeah. Asterisk.

Well, come on. Asterix.

Asterix.

I said asterix on television!

It's okay.

No, no, no, no, it's okay. Just...

Just, asterisk.

- Asterix. - Asterisk.

- Asterix. - Aster--

Oh, shut up, I know! Stop showing off!

Sorry, sorry, sorry. You know what?

Maybe it would be easier if you just break it into two parts.

Aster, risk.

- Asterisk. - Asterix.

- Ohh. - Hey, hey.

You know, Ray, nobody, nobody even cares.

Next time that word comes up, maybe just say, little star.

What else? What else? What other words?

Well, I mean, you're asking me, right?

Yeah.

You're asking me.

Yeah, what are you doing? I'm axing you.

Oh.

Yeah. "ask." Sometimes you say...

- Ax. - Yeah.

Ax. Oh, man.

No, no, no, honey, come on.

You just gotta practice those words.

Just practice those words.

Why? Why didn't you tell me this?

You should've told me the first time I axed you something.

I never thought you were gonna be on television.

You know what we could do?

Let's put them all in a sentence.

Say, um...

"I asked you to put the asterisk with the... cinnamon."

Cinnamum?

Cinnamum.

Oh, my god, I'm a monkey.

Did I say cinnamum on the show?

No, no, no, no. It's just a good thing to know

for when we're at the IHOP.

Come on. Come on.

"I asked you to put the asterisk with the cinnamon."

- I asked you... - Good. Good.

...to put the asterisk with the cinnamum.

Cinnam...

Alright, you know what? No more IHOP.

Ray, it's just...

It-it's just those couple of words, that's all.

I mean, you were really, we told you, you were great on the show.

Yeah, yeah you told me. You told me. I believed it.

No, really, honey, you were terrific.

Oh, don't, don't!

I'm sorry I axed.

- Hi. - Oh, hi, dear. You hungry?

- No. - Sit down.

I'll make you a sandwich.

Oh, ally gave you one of her paintings?

Yeah.

Look how big we are compared to the rest of the family.

Yeah, that's great.

Listen, you guys ever notice that I say certain words funny?

What do you mean?

Like glockenspiel or tushy?

Not funny words, dad.

Do I mispronounce words?

- I'm just axking. - No.

I think you speak beautifully, dear.

Why? What's wrong?

Debra thought I had trouble

on the show last night with certain words.

Oh, that's ridiculous.

It sounds like she's being a little nitpicky.

Yeah? So you really think I was alright last night?

Yeah.

Oh, good. Good.

'Cause I'm gonna do it again tonight.

They want you back?

Well, what does that mean?

Nothing, it's just that we, we thought it was over.

So you did notice the words.

Listen, you got bigger problems than your little words there.

Like what?

Like scratching the microphone.

Nobody could hear what the hell was going on.

But at least the, a-a-at least scratching kept him from waving

his hands around like he was landing planes.

- The microphone was much worse. - No, no.

It made seem like he'd never been on television before.

He never has been on television before.

But he's had his hands his whole life.

The microphone was much more annoying!

Ray, which is more annoying?

This... or this?

I did that?

Yeah. Now that you mention it

your voice was kind of monotonous.

I didn't mention that.

Well, you tended to drone on and on, dear.

It was very off-putting.

My God.

You see? Like that.

Most people would say, "My God!"

You gotta try and make your voice go up and down more.

- High and low. - Mm-hmm.

I would absolutely love a nice dill pickle.

Pickle, Marie.

Oh, oh.

Wait, so, so let me get this straight, dad.

Everything you said after the show last night was a lie.

And behind my back, you've been talking about how bad I was.

You think I stunk.

You think I stunk!

Oh, what difference would make what we think?

They asked you back.

But keep in mind some of the things we told you

because I gotta see people during the day.

Oh, my god. The supermarket.

You lie to me. You lie to me and you do it so well.

How long has this been going on?

Three weeks.

'Oh, my God, look at you.'

Look at you. Oh, my God.

You-you've been lying to me my whole life, haven't you?

"Oh, oh, Raymond, you're such a great writer

you could've been writing poetry."

How about in high school, ma?

"Oh, don't worry, Ray, the girls

they don't know what they're missing."

They knew! They knew, and they didn't miss it.

How about this, ma? Were you lying when you said

"Oh, the day you were born was the happiest day of our lives"?

No, that's true, it was.

Don't eat that now, Robert.

What's going on?

Hey, you know they've been lying to us our whole lives?

Any time they ever tried to make us feel good about ourselves.

When did that happen to me?

Oh, honey, I'm sure we lied to you plenty of times.

You got to get your own place, man.

Oh, don't be silly.

We love having you here.

Oh, my God.

Ray, we told you you were a good writer

so that you would think you were a good writer, see?

Then somebody gave you a job.

That's what parents do.

They all lie to their kids for their own good.

But... other parents aren't lying, ma.

They believe in their children.

No, they don't.

Alright, that's it. That's it, okay?

No more lies, alright?

Don't help me anymore!

- That was good. High and low. - Mmm.

'Use that on the show tonight.'

Oh, my God I can't believe I gotta do a show now.

'You'll be wonderful, dear.'

Ma, please, no more lies!

They say that because the pros can hit it so far

that they should lengthen the length of all the courses

and, uh... you know, I know I'm probably droning on here

but, um...

...but what about, what about tradition?

There's always tradition and history and-and stuff

and I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know.

I-I support the changes in baseball, but...

Lo-loook, let me ax, ax...

Ask you something here. Uh...

Shouldn't a sport sometimes should adopt, adapt...

...adapt and grow, but aren't there times that a sport

shouldn't adopt, adapt, and, uh...

...and not grow? Probably not grow.

Oh, hi, honey.

That didn't go very well, did it?

Not your best moment there, Raymond.

What are you doing?

We're being honest. You said that's what you wanted.

I could've eaten a box of alpha-bits

and crapped a better interview.

Well, what did you think?

Honey, I begged you to say "little star."

And it was even worse than last time.

You made me hate TV.

Want me to play it back for you, Raymond?

Alright. Alright, alright, come on.

Look I wanted you to be honest, but...

It couldn't have been all bad.

Come on, dad, I made my voice go high and low like you said.

That didn't work.

What about my little Steinbrenner joke?

Wasn't funny.

It's not nice to hurt other people's feelings.

Well, what about this?

This is funny.

Alright, come on. I mean, it could've been...

There had to be something there.

I was, I-I sat there, and...

Come on.

Come on!

I thought there were a lot of good things, Ray.

- Yeah? - Yeah.

Like, those other guys are so

polished and professional, and you were really, like, human.

Yeah.

Yeah, but what about what I said, though?

I mean, did it make sense?

Oh, yes. Yeah.

I got some of it.

So I mean, it wasn't a total disaster?

- No. Not total. - Oh, not what we meant at all.

- No. - No.

Well, how many total disasters are there?

Yeah. Ray, the fact that you could go on live television

with such little experience, that really says a lot.

You were great, dear.

At least I tried it, right? I mean, it's better.

It's better to try than to... not try.

Yes! Yes. You gotta get in there, you gotta try...

- I mean you were so good. - Okay!

Okay.

Thanks.

Better than Broadway.

Okay.

Alright, I got some makeup on.

I'm gonna take the makeup off, and then I'll come back.

Okay. Yeah.

You were so good, I bet they have you back on again.

- I'm sure they will. - Yeah.

It's all about you, Raymond.

Robert.

Phew.

I don't think that was a total disaster.

Well, how many total disasters are there?