Original subtitles

We got sunscreen. We got water.

We got toys for the twins.

You guys are officially playground-ready.

Why can't we just hang out here?

Because you need to connect with nature

- and get some fresh air. - And, also, we're not

giving you a choice.

But we're too old for the playground.

Yeah. It's humiliating.

I'll give you guys 20 bucks each

- if you go right now. - Yes.

- I can work with that. - [gasps] Awesome.

- Sweet. - This doesn't make it okay.

Wait, you forgot the twins.

[chuckles] Much respect, Kelvin.

- Well-played. - Pleasure doing business

- with you. - Kids are gone.

Unfortunately for you, that was the easy part.

Oh, are you sure you don't want to stay?

To help you tell your dad about his secret love child

who tracked you down and is desperate

to connect with her long-lost father?

No.

But I put out two kinds of hummus.

Oh, honey, there isn't enough hummus in the world.

Hey, can I go with you guys?

- [together] Connor. - Why do we have to tell him?

Harmony said it would be better coming from us.

Yeah, come on, man. It's the right thing to do.

I mean, she is our half-sister.

True. But she's also half not our sister.

And I'm thinking maybe we focus on that half.

Denial is not gonna make this go away.

Okay, I'm not in denial.

I just don't want to... acknowledge

that this is actually happening.

You guys better go.

- Okay. - Yeah.

- [doorbell rings] - It's Marshall.

Oh, that's Dad. He's early.

- Go, go, go. - No, go under the...

Sorry, guys, forgot my phone.

[dog barks in distance]

I won't ask any questions for a price.

Bleeding me dry. [Chuckles]

- I'm proud of you, man. - Thank you.

Oof. Okay. Good dry run.

Now it's time for the real thing.

Marina, we will text you when we're done.

Oh, they're long gone.

You know what?

I think I just gave Kelvin 400 bucks.

Episode Title: "Model Train Set, $150"

♪ Hey, hey, hey, hey ♪ *HOME ECONOMICS*

Season 03 Episode 07 Aired on: November 02, 2022.

I don't like this.

Dad's gonna walk in all excited

because we told him we want to get into model trains,

- and then boom, secret baby. - Look, man,

it's the only thing I could think to tell Dad

where Mom wouldn't want to come too.

And we are not ready for Mom to find out.

Yeah. And technically we're starting with trains.

I don't want to do that either.

Look, guys, this is gonna be awkward, okay?

It's hard to know what to say in a situation like this.

Lucky for us, we got a writer in the family.

- Oh, no. - Oh, I don't like

- where this is going. - Boom!

I scripted the entire conversation.

Oh, I don't like where it went.

- Enter Sarah, 36, emotional. - Tom!

Yes! Perfect. Exactly like that.

No, this is dumb.

You can't script something like this.

All right? You guys do your thing.

I'm gonna go sit in a corner...

[together] And say as little as possible.

Page two.

- Whoa, spooky. - Okay, well, did you predict

me throwing my script in the trash?

'Cause that's what I'm doing.

Oh, come on, Connor. I gave you all the best jokes.

Tom, we do not need a script, okay?

Not when we have someone here

who can lead an open, honest, sometimes painful dialogue.

Ooh, I don't like where this is going.

I am a professional therapist with years of experience.

Yeah, but you can't be professional about this.

Sarah, you melt down at the slightest family drama.

- That's not true. - Uh...

I thought "Mr. Holland's Opus"

was a little long.

Well, I thought it was luminous.

Stop fighting!

You're tearing me apart!

I was a kid.

I thought I was gonna marry Lance Bass.

- People change. - Look what you made me do.

I'm stress-eating cheesy poufs from a tub.

No, don't look away. This is on you, man.

[knock at door]

"There is a knock at the door."

Well, hey there, junior conductors.

- Oh, you're wearing a hat. - Choo-choo.

Yeah. And guess who decided to hop on the Hayworth Express.

Good morning!

Or should is say, "Tickets, please!"

[both chuckle nervously]

Is that in your script?

I appreciate you helping us redecorate the apartment.

We lost so much during the flood.

As your friend, my heart goes out to you.

As your designer, it's probably for the best.

- What? - There was a lot of hemp.

Oh, hey, Min.

Uh, Denise. How's my favorite tenant?

So happy to be back.

And thank you for all the repairs you made.

Anything for you and Sarah

and those adorable kids of yours...

The, uh... the boy and the girl.

Kelvin and Shamiah.

Not ringing a bell.

[door creaks]

So what are we thinking?

Oh, we're wide open.

But we can't make any major changes

and we can't buy anything.

So... paint. Love it.

Huh. What's going on here?

Oh, sorry. Had to plug in the mixer.

I am making cookies for Heather upstairs.

She just broke up with her boyfriend.

She loves toxic men

just as much as she loves my oatmeal raisin.

No, uh, why is there an extension cord?

Well, they covered

the kitchen outlets with drywall.

So we had to run a cord from the bathroom

because the living room outlets are all full.

- But it's fine. - But what if you want

to close the bathroom door?

Oh, then it's a whole thing.

Denise, this is not fine.

You should ask your landlord to fix it.

- She seemed nice. - She's landlord nice,

not friend nice. I don't want to push it.

It's not pushing it. She likes you.

Just turn on that Denise charm.

It would be good to make a piece of toast

- while someone's peeing. - That's the dream.

What are we gonna do?

We were supposed to tell Dad about Harmony

so that he could tell Mom about Harmony.

Far away from here.

I don't know. What does your script say?

Well, there's some killer back-and-forth

between you and me.

And I gave Connor this Sorkin-level monologue

about how he looks up to me as a big brother,

but I didn't expect Mom to show up.

We just have to get her out of here.

So follow my lead.

Mom, definitely did not expect to see you today.

But now that she's here,

we're just trainin' it up.

You know? Just five grown people

talking about trains and nothing else.

Yeah, it's just... I always thought

that you hated this stuff. You know, you called

the model train store the "creepo depot."

Well, that's before I heard this podcast

about keeping the spark alive in your marriage.

You've heard of podcasts?

They're like radio shows for your phone.

Yeah, I'll have to check those out.

Well, this one said that partners should take

an interest in each other's hobbies.

So I've made my peace with trains,

and Marshall is watching musicals.

Who knew Alexander Hamilton was a rapper?

- Right. - Right.

Um, well, the... the kids are at the park.

Yeah, uh, maybe you want to go hang out with them.

- That'd be fun. - Oh, well...

- I didn't bring my sun hat. - Mm.

Well, guess you just gotta hang here with us.

So, Dad, you were telling me about coal.

The train... the train eats it, yeah?

You know, that's too bad, because the kids were saying

that they were gonna put on a musical

and that they needed a director or something.

- Really? - Yeah.

Well, luckily I do have my director's hat.

That's one I never take off. [both chuckle]

Marshall?

Yeah, no, no, you go ahead, honey.

I think I can conduct myself here without you.

[chuckles] Thanks, sweetie.

So when the contractors put up the new wall,

I think they may have covered the outlets or something.

I'm sure it was an accident.

I mean, there were four and now there's zero

which is less.

And that would totally not even be a big deal

but that's where we get our electricity.

And that is very helpful in this modern world of ours.

- It was always like that. - What?

I'm sorry, a-a kitchen without outlets?

- Yeah. - I mean...

I don't know.

[chuckles] Maybe there weren't four,

but I do remember at least some.

No, it was always like that.

You've been away for so long,

you probably don't remember.

Well, I-I was living here

- for several years before then. - You're just confused.

I have to get back to scraping gum.

Okay. Well, thank you.

Always happy to help.

What was that? "Okay. Well, thanks."

Marina, it's a delicate dance.

She says no. I make her cookies every week.

In six months, she puts in one outlet.

And then I bide my time, make her a pie,

and then she puts in two.

That's how you deal with a landlord.

She's taking advantage of you.

Now you get it.

We can't go through with this.

He's the happiest he's ever been.

No, we promised Harmony we would.

Don't worry. I got my part memorized.

You are not leading this. Okay?

- I am a therapist. - I am so glad

that you are ready to take up the great American hobby.

[clears throat] Dad, we need to...

We need to talk to you about something.

And, uh, it's not gonna be easy to... hear.

Um...

Sometimes people make mistakes in their past.

And, uh, those mistakes have ripples in the future.

And those ripples have ripples...

Sorry, one second. I'm sorry.

I just need one second. I'm sorry.

Called it. Page five.

Yeah, trains make people emotional.

I get it. [Clears throat]

Let me just, uh... "Dad, I know you thought..."

[clears throat] All right.

Dad, I know you thought today was gonna be about trains.

But we're gonna take you on a different kind of ride...

[page rustles]

An emotional one.

Okay, I'm back.

[clears throat] That was just, um,

bringing up some feelings for me.

But you know what they say,

you have to feel them before you can heal them.

Ugh, that's actually a good line.

Dad, we really need to talk to you.

Can you put the trains down, please?

I know what's happening.

You didn't invite me over here

to talk about belt lines and knuckle couplers.

You invited me over... for an intervention.

W-wait, you know about the...

Just a matter of time before you found out.

I feel terrible about it.

I've been holding this for so long.

All right, truth is, I lost $4,200.

But I really thought

Gordon Ramsay wanted me to invest in his restaurant.

- Huh? - Wait, what?

Yeah. Turned out not to be Gordon Ramsay

even though the email had Gordon Ramsay's photo

and it was from GordonRamsay@LegitFoodBiz.com.

Dad, are you telling me...

you invested without talking to me first?

- Connor. - What?

I should not have given him

my credit card info.

You know, on the phone he didn't even sound

like Gordon Ramsay.

He had this foreign accent,

it was like, um...

No. Don't-don't do...

- Don't do the accent. - Look, Dad,

we brought you here today to talk about your affair.

My affair?

Tommy, your mother and I are way past that.

That is ancient history.

Well, it's actually not that ancient.

You know, in Walt Whitman's "Song of the Open Road,"

- he said... - Tom, you are not helping.

You're not helping by interrupting.

Enough with your script. Just let me do this.

- No. You're too emotional. - You're not emotional enough.

I get emotional on page eight!

Dad, you have a secret love child

from your affair. And her name is Harmony.

And we met her and she's your daughter.

[grimaces]

[♪ ♪]

[mixer whirring]

- You all right there? - I thought I could hold it,

but I cannot.

[whirring stops]

[cord thuds] [door closes]

All right. I've seen enough.

[♪ ♪]

Ugh, that's a lot of gum.

Ugh, the devil's toothpaste.

I hear that. So true.

Anyway, um, I'm- I'm helping Denise

decorate her apartment,

and you know what would be super helpful?

I have a feeling you're going to tell me.

[chuckles] To get those kitchen outlets back.

It was always like that.

Okay, but we know it wasn't.

- It was. - But it wasn't.

I know that because California code states

that each room has to have two working outlets.

Oh, you're an expert on California law.

Well, I'm an attorney.

Denise called a lawyer?

Well, no, she didn't call me exactly.

Wait. Hey, hold on.

Hey, please... she's peeing.

You called a lawyer on me?

- What? No. - Nope, nope.

No one called a lawyer.

It was just, uh, two folks talking.

About the California building code?

And gum. We were talking about gum.

Min, this is my sister-in-law/designer

not my lawyer.

Oh, if you want to talk code, let's talk code.

Was that always there?

We put that loft up years ago.

You've seen it plenty of times.

Oh, I don't think so.

Because if I had seen it,

I would have told you it's definitely against code.

That's the only thing that makes

this place big enough for a family of four.

Sounds like it's time to make some cuts.

She should be a lawyer.

Marina.

Yeah.

Wow.

- I have a daughter. - Well... t-two daughters.

This must have been a burden for you

and for her. I mean, to grow up

wondering where she came from.

- What's she like? - She's not hot.

I don't think.

Yeah, definitely no attraction there.

She's actually pretty cool. She's a biologist.

She works for the National Parks in Colorado.

A scientist like me?

And she wants to meet you.

Oh, I want to meet her, too.

I mean, we have a whole lifetime to catch up on.

Dad, you are processing this so well.

I mean, I really hope that Mom handles it this well

- when you tell her. - Tell your mother?

[chuckles] We're taking this to the grave.

- Dad! - What?

- Dad, you have to tell her. - She would lose it.

This is not in the script.

I know we shouldn't have told him.

Told him what?

- Mom! - Oh, hey.

- You're back! - You just keep popping up,

don't you? [Chuckles]

I needed some tea for my throat.

I am carrying all of the singing.

These kids barely know the lyrics to "Funny Girl."

Dad, you cannot keep this from Mom.

Look, you guys were little

when she found out about the affair.

You do not remember how hard it was.

I'm with Dad.

Secrets should stay secrets.

That's why they're called secrets.

That makes no sense.

Dad, are you really gonna lie to Mom

for the rest of your life?

That's what's on the table.

But this isn't just about us.

It's about Harmony.

How are you supposed to have a relationship with her

if you can't be open?

Tell you what, give me a tight ten.

I'm gonna whip up a whole new draft.

- Both: Tom. - Okay, look.

I will tell your mother eventually,

but not here and not now.

You know what? He's right.

This is something that needs to be done

thoughtfully and planned out.

I found a script in the trash.

"We're going to take you on a different kind of ride."

- No, no, no, no. - "An emotional one."

- Mom, give me the... - Don't you touch...

Well, thanks, Marina.

Now I have to take down the loft.

I'm sorry.

Thinly-veiled legal threats usually work.

It's my move.

You made our tiny place even less livable

which I thought was impossible.

Maybe this is a good opportunity

to look for someplace bigger.

I could help you.

Do you know how hard it is to find

a rent-controlled apartment?

All the tenants here have issues

but we put up with it

because we can't afford anywhere else.

How do you know they have issues?

Because they tell me.

Heather has a window that won't open.

Nigel has a window that won't close.

And Chris' window is fine,

but he has a lizard in his garbage disposal.

And it eats his trash,

but, I mean, come one, sink lizard?

You know a lot about your neighbors.

Because I'm nice and I give them cookies.

You give them cookies because you're nice.

And because you're nice,

they tell you about their sink lizards.

Where you going with this, counselor?

That's not for you.

If it's a script, it's for me.

It has some wonderful dialogue.

Oh, well, I guess I kind of have an ear for it.

Oh. I saw all your names.

Is it a stage play based on your book?

Yep. That's exactly what it is.

- [chuckles] - Wow.

I see either me or Patti LuPone for me.

It's not a play.

It's a script for a very difficult conversation

- that we had with Dad. - Sarah...

Let's just rip the Band-Aid off.

Yeah. Let's.

We had to talk to Dad about being scammed

by fake Gordon Ramsay.

- You did what? - Connor.

What, she didn't know about that one either?

[sighs] How much money this time?

Well, uh, just don't worry about it.

Wait a second, "this time"?

He thought he was playing Words With Friends

with Owen Wilson.

Who needed $4,200 to make a movie.

- Oh, my God. - It wasn't Owen Wilson.

Enough with the lies! Mom, it was about the affair.

- No, it's not. - The affair?

- What are we talking about? - Me...

and Marina. I know.

It's sad. You just...

You never see these things coming.

I knew it.

She was always a reach for you, Tom.

Wait a second, w...

Why do you assume she's the one who cheated?

Tom, you're wearing a shirt about punctuation.

Everybody just listen to me, okay?

I am a professional therapist.

- What is going on? - Okay.

Stand down, kids.

Mur, I've got something to tell you.

So let's go outside.

[♪ ♪]

[exhales]

[cheese puffs thud]

Thank you.

But no cookie will change my mind

about that loft. [chuckles]

Especially not oatmeal raisin.

Ah. Everyone else in the building

seemed to like them.

And it's funny, when I was delivering them,

a lot of the tenants were talking

about issues they were having in their apartments

and how resistant you were to fixing them.

Oh, it's a very old building.

- And all the units... - Have always been like that.

- Mm. - It's funny how that works.

Yeah, so while they were talking,

all of the neighbors decided

that since Denise is so friendly,

she should head up a- a tenants' union.

- A union? - Yeah.

It's so hard for us to get things fixed individually.

But that's the beauty of a union...

There are a lot of us with a lot of problems.

And if the problems don't get fixed,

then the... The tenants can always go

on a rent strike.

I know that as a lawyer.

- Oh, be careful. - Are you threatening me?

No, I just want you to watch out

for the extension cord.

It can be a bit of a hazard.

You know what?

I am going to get those outlets fixed.

Aw. And the loft?

It was always like that.

[both chuckle]

- We did it! - We sure did.

I feel so happy and... and sick.

Yeah, I think we ate a whole stick of butter.

[groans] I'm gonna go lay down.

I just peeked out the window.

- Okay? - How bad is it?

They look really sad.

But then at one point Mom was laughing.

And I'm not a great lip-reader,

but I think Dad might have said,

"I'm taking up the clarinet, Mr. President."

- Really? Not a... not a great... - Yeah.

- Lip-reader. - Yeah, I don't think

- that was said. - You know, we were so focused

on the best way to tell them or not tell them.

But this was gonna be messy regardless.

I'm sorry for trying to script everything out.

I think it was my way of controlling the situation.

Well, I'm sorry I'm a bad therapist

- to my own family. - Yeah.

I'm not sorry for anything.

Okay, I was in denial or whatever.

[door opens]

Mom. You okay?

Well, this wasn't what I was expecting

when you invited us over to talk about model trains.

Technically, we only invited Dad, so...

Your father and I are divorcing...

- [gasps] - Oh.

Our feelings on this matter

from the facts we have to deal with.

Okay, so you're not getting a divorce?

No, but I can see how you would think that

since she said the word "divorce."

Yeah, we've been through a lot together.

- Yeah. - I mean, I've been more angry

at this man than you can imagine.

And that anger never completely goes away.

So... [sighs] We are separating...

- Oh, man. - Oh.

The past from the present

so that we can move on.

Okay, why?

- Again? - Why do you keep doing that?

If this girl wants to be a part of our family,

we'll figure it out.

She's not responsible for any of this.

- No. - Thanks, Mom.

And, uh, her name is Harmony.

I'm not ready for names yet, Sarah.

- Okay. - And I am sorry

that my past mistakes have continued

to create difficulty for you...

and for all of you.

Every marriage has its hiccups.

[both chuckle] Lord knows I'm not perfect.

[chuckles] Who is?

Wait, what do you mean?

One time at your office Christmas party

I had too much eggnog and I told Jerry Donahue

he had a beautiful rear end.

- Oh, my God. - You did what?

You had a secret child.

- Yeah, but Jerry Donahue? - I didn't have his baby.

- Yeah, so think they're good? - Jerry Donahue?

Yeah, everything seems to be back to normal.

It was a nice ass, okay?

Okay. Let's get them out of here.

How much eggnog did you have that night?

That's none of your business.

So it sounds like Marshall and Muriel

- are gonna be okay. - Yup.

That's what Hayworth marriages are all about,

looking past your partner's flaws,

glaring as they may be.

Here comes the mail car. Mail's here!

Ah, the 4:15 from Abilene. Right on time.

We got sheep crossing. Let's shut those gates.

Thank you. This might take a while.

Watch your wool, sheep.

We gotta get this grain to Topeka.

- [train whistles] - Choo-choo!

[upbeat music]

"Dad, I know you thought this day would be about trains.

"But we are going to take you on a different kind of ride,

- an emotional one." - "What do you mean, son?"

"Dad, as a therapist,

"I would normally step in here.

But Tom clearly has this handled."

"You know what? You guys do your thing.

"I'm just gonna sit in the corner

and say as little as possible."

How long is this?

At least your character has lines.

Sarah just cries for the rest of the play.

What do you expect from a script

- we found in the trash? - Hey.

What are you kids doing out here?

- All: Nothing. - Okay.

- How's it sounding? - It's a lot of fun.

You're a great writer.

Still playing with it, but yeah.

Nice job, Daddy.

Ah, well, thanks, guys.

I guess now that I'm out here,

let's, uh... Let's take it from the top.

Gretchen, if you don't mind, I always saw

your character as coming in from stage left.

So, honey, stage left is this way.

[chuckles] Okay.

And, uh, if you could be on your feet for this...

Yeah, you. And you stay down.

Are you guys off book?