Original subtitles

It's so nice to be back.

It is a little cramped, but...

[chuckles] It is home.

Kelvin, stop being everywhere I am!

You stop being everywhere I am!

Oh, my gosh, you're so annoying!

- Just move! - Whatever.

Yeah, no one missed having brunch here.

- Ah! - Ah!

Ah, sorry. I'm sorry.

Ah, I'm just a little on edge because it's Halloween.

Oh, right.

You're still waiting for Connor to prank you?

The old Scare-a-Sarah.

Yeah, every freakin' year,

even though it's not funny anymore, Connor.

[evil laugh]

- Ah! - Ah!

- [laughs] - Ugh, Connor!

Stop it! Ah!

- Connor! - [laughs]

- [mechanical laughter] - Ah!

- Connor! - [evil laugh]

Every year.

I wish I had a little sister.

Even though this year...

[chuckles]

The scarer becomes the scaree.

[laughs]

Look at that. Look how good that is.

- That looks real. - Right?

Just one normal holiday.

Well, if it's any consolation,

I'm a little on edge, too.

I got a book reading tonight,

and I don't think anyone's going to show up.

Aw. That's no consolation, no.

Tom, you wanted a reading at Bay side Books,

I got you a reading at Bay side Books.

Yeah, but not on Halloween.

Everyone's going to be too busy to go to some reading.

OK, well, that was the only time slot they had.

Yes, again, because Halloween.

I think it's going to be great, Daddy.

Oh, thank you.

Do the kids have to go too?

No, don't worry.

You're going trick-or-treating with Lupe.

[whispering] Yes!

I can hear all of that.

And people might show up.

Tom has fans.

He... he has one fan.

Good ol' HappyHarmony99.

Who?

It's this woman who's like the first

to comment on every post I do about the book,

like when I linked to the review

in "The Chronicle," which called it

a "winning and winsome return to form."

We know. We don't need to see it again.

Please don't read it again.

Oh, yeah, there she is, HappyHarmony99.

Wow, she loves that caps lock.

Well, she's a very passionate person.

Tom's got a super fan.

Oh, I don't know about that.

Heh.

Super fan. [chuckles]

Mom, tell Shamiah to stop almost touching me!

Ease up, Shamiah, OK?

I don't want to take away your Halloween candy

before you even get it.

Oh, Sarah, what's that on your...

- Ah! - Ah!

Oh. Connor!

[chuckles]

Just one holiday.

♪ Hey, hey, hey, hey ♪ *HOME ECONOMICS*

Season 03 Episode 06 Title: " Novel Signed by Author, $22.19"

Upbeat music... ♪ Mr. Werewolf ♪

♪ Mr. Werewolf ♪

Please don't kill me, Mr. Werewolf!

[howls]

Great.

Great, I was afraid people weren't going to be

taking the night seriously.

At least they're dressed as literary characters.

But... OK.

Mr. Hayworth!

Oh, sorry.

Mr. Hayworth, I'm Tod, with one D,

co-manager of Bay side Books.

Oh, hey, OK. Tom, with one M.

[laughs] Nice.

It's actually a pretty good turnout, tonight.

Is like, another reading letting out or something?

Tom, people love your book.

Is that so hard to believe?

[whispering] Is this an AA meeting?

Is Dean Koontz here?

No, no, everyone is here for Tom.

It should be a pretty full house.

If you'll follow me, I'll set you up before the reading.

Now, we have three types of water...

Still, sparkling, and coconut.

[whispering] Go for the coconut.

OK, I'll go coconut. [chuckles]

Sparkling can be a little too intense for me anyway.

Did you pay for people to be here?

I did not, no.

I mean, I brought money for that exact purpose.

But guess I don't need it.

Now I have all this cash.

You want some?

Is today actually going to be a success?

I mean, obviously, I'm not surprised.

- It's just... - Surprising, yeah.

It's so surprising.

Like seriously, like that woman over there,

she's legit attractive.

And you're telling me she's here for Tom's book reading?

That doesn't make sense.

[shouts]

- Hey, Sarah. - Aw, dang it!

- Nice try. - Ah!

Oh, my God.

Let the Hayworth Halloween Fashion Show begin!

So that then it can be over.

First, I give you Camila, dressed as Mirabel

from the hit movie, "Encanto."

Ay, que Linda.

Next is Gretchen as Isabela,

also from the hit movie, "Encanto."

And if you're sensing a theme,

I give you Kelvin as Bruno,

the guy we don't talk about from "Encanto."

And finally,

Shamiah as Luisa,

from, you guessed it...

That's not "Encanto."

Has she not seen "Encanto"?

Where's your Luisa costume?

I decided to do something different.

KnifeEdge Nakasuke from "Boom Boom Dojo?"

Why?

Whenever I watch anime, you say it's stupid.

- [doorbell rings] - Oh.

I got it, I got it.

Hey, Xander.

Hi, come on in.

I like your costume.

Thanks.

I like yours, too. So cool.

When you told me how much you like anime, I was psyched.

- Who's this bozo? - Hm.

Whew, that coconut water's got a little kick.

This is crazy, even though

it's one of the busiest nights of the year,

folks really showed up.

It's really...

- Surprising. - Gratifying.

What'd you say?

That's what I was going to say.

You writers always have the exact word.

Hi, sorry. Hi.

It is so nice to meet you in the flesh.

Wow.

Oh, well, nice to meet you. I'm Tom.

Oh, I know. [laughs]

[laughs] OK.

- You are? - Right, sorry.

Stupid. I'm Harmony.

- Oh, HappyHarmony99. - Yes!

Oh, my gosh, you're like... Like, aware of me.

Oh, he really is.

Well, I'm always happy to read your comments.

I mean, I'm happy, too, to be here with you.

Sorry, I'm really nervous.

Oh, no, come on, don't be nervous.

I'm...

I'm just a writer. [chuckles]

But you're so much more than that.

This is my wife, Marina, and Denise.

- Both: Hi. - Really nice to...

I read "Home Economics" three times, actually.

- Right. - Because it's a revelation.

Oh, well...

[chuckles] Thank you.

Stop, thank you.

'Cause it really spoke to me, like, personally.

Like every word was, like, a puzzle piece

just falling into place, like, yes, yes, yes.

[laughs]

Well, "The Chronicle" did say that my writing

"fairly dances across the page," whatever that means.

- [chuckles] - I know that you need

to get ready for the reading, but I would...

Is there any way we could talk after, kind of... in private?

Anything for my number one fan.

- [both laugh] - Thank you so much.

OK, so I'll see you after, and we'll talk.

Looking forward to it.

Should I have worn the hat?

No, yes, the hat's fine.

- Thank you. - It looks great, right?

- It looks great. - It looks great.

That right there, that connection...

[chuckles] That's why you write.

Um, there's something really wrong with her.

Yeah, I think a bunch of things.

Come on, what, just 'cause she likes my book,

she's got to be some kind of weirdo?

Ever occur to you that my writing

might mean something to her?

Oh, honey, I'm sorry. You're right.

[laughs] OK, come on.

So do you want to go figure out what her deal is?

Yeah, we got 15 minutes to kill.

Yeah.

So I assume you scaring me with my own spider

this morning was not my official scare.

Maybe.

Or maybe this year, there is no scare,

and the wait for the scare is the scare itself.

But no, there's definitely a scare coming your way.

Great. I don't understand why you keep doing this.

You've been at it since we were like 10.

Why does the caged bird sing, Sarah?

That is not what that means. Please let me buy you a book.

Oh, man, did you hear about that giant crypto crash today?

Yeah, the entire market collapsed overnight.

- It's crazy. - I just invested, like,

a ton of money in crypto last month.

Are you serious? You must be so scared.

I got to call my money guy. This is a disaster.

Call him.

[phone ringing]

- Hello. - Nice try, Sarah.

Dang it.

Thanks, guys, good effort. Good effort.

So this is exciting... The big book reading.

Do you live in the neighborhood?

Uh, no, Colorado.

Really?

You didn't fly in just for this, did you?

Oh, God, no.

Oh, OK. 'Cause I was going to say...

I drove. [eerie musical sting]

19 hours straight through, no breaks.

I've got a pretty big bladder.

Yeah, just got into town

and pulled up to the store an hour ago.

Cool.

Where are you going to stay while you're here?

I have not even thought that far ahead.

- Oh, oof. - But anyway, it doesn't matter.

Everything's going to change for me after tonight.

[shady music]

[♪ ♪]

Code red.

She drove from Colorado for this,

straight through.

What, no bathroom breaks?

I think we're dealing with an adult diaper situation.

Oh.

Well, I did some research.

She only follows three accounts...

Tom, the official "Home Economics" account,

and a bird watching for singles account

called Toucan Play.

I think it's a pun, but it's also just sad.

Good Lord, what is her story?

I knew I was getting a weird vibe from her.

I read her aura.

It's dark red with a touch of dark green.

And we know what that means.

Oh, we do?

Yeah, we do.

[♪ ♪]

Oh, my God.

She's going to "Misery" you, Tom,

like in the movie, "Misery."

OK, come on. Let's be nice.

She stole your water bottle out of the trash can.

Why would she do that?

Uh, maybe because I should have recycled it?

You know, I couldn't figure out why a woman

would drive a thousand miles to come to your book reading.

But if she's like a homicidal stalker maniac,

I mean, mystery solved.

She's going to "Misery" you with a sledgehammer.

You know, this would make a great true crime podcast.

Oh, I was just thinking that.

- We can call it, "Killer Fan." - [gasps]

Or "Murder She Did,"

or "Only Murders in the Bookstore."

[gasps] Literal chills.

- This is so exciting. - [giggles]

- And concerning. - Oh, my God.

Why can't you guys just let me have this?

After all these years and years of failure,

people finally care about Tom Hayworth.

It's like... it's like it's not good enough for you guys.

My own family.

[door opens, closes]

I am so glad I didn't sleep with her.

Was that a possibility?

I mean...

It's a simple question

anyone wearing this costume should know.

I don't remember the name of KnifeEdge Nakasuke's mom.

Ah! It's a trick question.

KnifeEdge Nakasuke never knew her parents.

Yeah, she grew up in an orphanage.

I'm not talking to you, SpearPoint Hidemasa.

Lupe, can you please help?

Kelvin, your mom said I could confiscate

candy for any reason.

Uh-huh, yeah, sure.

You want to fudge around and find out?

[shady music]

[♪ ♪]

[gasps] She's going to the True Crime section.

It's like she wants to be caught.

Oh, I thought of more podcast names...

Final Chapter, End Pages, Killing Tom.

I should really write some of these down.

Harmony, don't chicken out now.

Hey, you've come all this way.

Go up to him and do it.

Do it, and it will be done.

Oh, my God.

We have to warn Tom.

This is gonna be great for the pod.

No, yeah, your thing.

[gasps]

Where did she go?

Your family's probably just jealous of your success.

You know, when I was made co-manager of this place,

my grandpa was such a bitch.

Oh, well, I guess haters gonna hate.

He's suing me right now, so I can't really get into it.

- You don't have to. - OK.

Anyways, I'm going to get you another coco H2O.

You just relax.

All right, keep 'em coming. [laughs]

[creaking, door closes]

[chuckling] Chapter 17... no, no.

[clears throat]

[gruffly] Chapter 17.

Nah.

[normally] Chapter 17.

Yeah, that's it, the everyman.

[foreboding music]

Hello?

Sorry, is there someone back there?

[♪ ♪]

- [evil laughter] - Oh.

[chuckles]

- [dramatic musical sting] - Ah!

I finally got you alone.

[chuckles]

Harmony, I thought we were going to talk

after the reading.

Mm, we need to talk now, because I drove

all the way here for this, but...

[sighs]

Tom, watch out for the creepy hot lady.

Not you.

Hey, what do you want with my husband?

And do we have your permission to record this

for future broadcasting?

I just need to talk to him about... everything.

Ugh, I like... I rehearsed this.

But I'm just like having

so many thoughts that I'm just like...

Her aura is on fire.

God, you just have to understand

where I'm coming from, what my life was like

growing up in Colorado!

I was an only child, OK?

It was just me and my mom, Harmony and Christine,

Christine and Harmony. I didn't know where my dad was.

My mom said it was a mistake she made in the fall of '88.

Thanks, Mom.

And she was always working at that stupid research lab.

I'm rambling.

Oh, focus, Harmony.

Focus, focus.

OK, thank you for that, uh, info.

I think I'm going to go do the reading now.

- No, no, no. - No?

- I need to get this out. - Okey doke.

Yeah, so all my life,

I just dreamed of being part of a big family

with brothers and sisters and parents.

And then I read your book.

And I knew how you based it on your family.

And, and suddenly, all the dots started connecting for me,

you know what I mean? It was like pew, pew, pew, pew.

And then I realized it.

[laughter]

I mean, realized what?

That I could be your sister.

And that I could finally have the family I've always wanted.

Hello. [all shout]

I know, the costume, it's kind of scary, right?

My wife said, Tod, don't do it.

But I did it.

Anyways, they're ready for the reading.

Oh, sorry.

Um. OK, I'll see you out there.

She's great.

That was something,

- Whoa. - [sighs]

Of course.

Of course, you guys were right.

My book has one fan.

And of course, she's completely insane.

I thought my career was taking a turn here.

But it's like...

All this work, and it's for what?

Hey, no, Tom, I mean, you were right.

Yes, Harmony is... Is-is intense.

But all of those people out there,

they came here to see you.

Yeah, I didn't pay a single one of them.

And now I have all this extra cash on me

that I don't even know what to do with.

I tipped the bathroom attendant 100 bucks.

We don't have a bathroom attendant.

Tom, we are so proud of you.

Yeah, we make jokes because it's fun and very easy.

But you filled this whole bookstore.

You're a really good friend to me too.

You know what? Yeah, you're right.

Thank you.

Let's go read, uh, a little bit of chapter 17.

We don't even have a bathroom.

What did you do? And where was it?

OK, can you just hold off any scare attempts

until after Tom's reading?

There's a lot going on.

Sarah, you know I can't promise that.

[phone ringing]

Oh.

Hey, sweetie, what's going on?

Kelvin won't leave me or Xander alone.

He's being so annoying.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I guess I... I forgot to tell him that

Xander was joining you guys tonight.

Can I have permission to hit him with my sword,

like on the arm or something?

Mm, permission not granted.

I'm sorry that he's bugging you.

But he's probably just a little sad

that you don't spend as much time with him these days.

It's not a real sword. It's like hard foam.

Yeah, still no.

He's annoying his big sister

because he wants you to pay attention to him.

Believe it or not, it... it... It comes from a place of love.

Even if he doesn't realize that that is why he's doing it,

he's just trying to stay in his big sister's life.

OK, but he's being a jerk.

OK, good talk, have fun.

No, you didn't even... [line beeps]

[soft music]

What?

Nothing, little brother.

Is this you trying to scare me?

'Cause this is working.

Good evening, and welcome to Bay side "Boo-ks."

[both laugh]

Just kidding.

Halloween. I'm not actually a vampire.

It is my pleasure to introduce tonight's author,

who I'm proud to call my new friend,

reading from his new novel,

"Home Economics," Tom Hayworth.

[applause]

- Yeah! - Bravo!

Whoo.

Thank you all for coming out.

Go, Tom!

Heh.

"Chorpter" 17... [nervous laughter]

Right off the bat.

[clears throat] Obviously, chapter 17...

Shake it off.

Tim Hayward loved Halloween.

When he was a kid, he'd swear it was because of the candy.

But deep down, he loved Halloween,

because it was a day he didn't have to be himself.

Tim, even as a boy, was already trying on the heavy sweater

of self-doubt that he'd come to wear full-time

as he made his way into adulthood.

The opportunity to be someone...

Wow, this is so good.

You still haven't read it?

[chuckling] Sarah, I've read it.

I just haven't, like, read it.

Hovered above the Hayward House in 1988.

Their mom and dad hit a rough patch.

Dad was finding reasons to spend more and more time

traveling for work.

To Tim and Tara, he seemed to be in Colorado

more than he was at home.

[shady music]

Colorado... uh, sorry.

For weeks at a time... [clears throat]

He was off in a different time zone,

toiling away in a research lab.

Research lab.

She said '88, right?

Uh, but he'd call every night.

Mom would pass the phone over to the kids

with barely a word, not that he ever had much to report,

just that his days working in the lab,

with a fellow scientist named Chris,

who I'd always assumed was a man,

but could just as easily be Christine.

Both: Christine.

[softly] My mom.

And the long weeks of traveling...

OK, please tell me this is your prank.

You did it. I'm scared.

Now just make this stop.

I was hoping this was you scaring me.

What? No, I was just going to put this rubber vomit

- on your car later. - So this is not a prank?

This is really happening.

Dad would always return from these marathon trips

exhausted, talking about experiments that lasted

late into the night with Chris.

Oh, my God.

[inhales]

[exhales] Yeah.

This morning, I wished for a sister.

And now I just get one?

I mean, what kind of superpower is that?

She can't be our half-sister. She just can't.

Well, all the details line up.

No, no, no, no.

Because that would mean that I thought my half-sister was hot.

And that is just... That is just not ideal.

That's why she took Tom's water bottle,

to match his DNA.

And that's why I sensed a weird aura around her,

because she's a Hayworth.

No offense.

Hey.

- Oh, hey. - Hey.

- Hey. - Hi.

Look who it is.

Hey, soul sistah.

No? OK.

Yeah, it's a lot to process all at once.

- Nah. - No.

- W-we're super... - No.

- It's what it is. - Chill.

And I'm really sorry about what happened before.

I was just so wired from the drive

and freaking out about meeting a family I never knew I had.

And you guys must have thought I was a stalker.

- What? - No.

- No. - The ruler?

We are go-with-the-flow type people.

And Tom thought you were hot. And I said, no, Tom.

Yeah, there's definitely no way we wanted

to start a podcast about you.

So yes, I saw an interview where you talked about

how much was based on your life.

And I just pieced it together with clues from my own.

And yeah, it seems like your dad is,

well, my dad.

[♪ ♪]

Well, we did know he had an affair years ago.

Yeah, we just didn't know that anything came of it.

Right.

Like... you.

Well, hi.

I'm Harmony.

- Both: Hey. - [together] Hi.

But you did like the book, right?

Uh, which one is he again?

That's Baron Yohiro.

He acts like a friend to the Boom Boom Brotherhood,

but you're going to want to keep an eye on him.

Hmm.

Well, let's watch one more episode after this one's over.

Whatever.

Oh, boy.

Guys, our DNA tests are in.

- Well? - Oh.

Uh, we officially have a half-sister.

[exhales]

Whoa.

Oh, also, we're 2% Ashkenazi Jew.

Huh.

Oh, I'm 4% Italian.

Mama mia.

Wait, why did you get a DNA test?

What, everything has to be about the Hayworths?

Well, who's going to tell Dad?

Yeah, and what's Mom going to think?

I mean, she barely forgave him for the affair.

This is like a whole other level.

That's it.

I can't take this emotional stress.

Tonight I'm having cookies.

- Ah! - [laughs]

Yes!

I got you, finally!

Not the best timing, really, really bad timing.

But I finally did it.

Whoo!