Original subtitles

[child giggling]

Sorry we're late.

Was there a lot of traffic coming from upstairs?

[chuckles] I blame that fancy mattress in the guest bedroom.

I swear, we never used to sleep in.

I know!

To think I went my entire life without knowing

that I was an eight medium firm

with a ten-degree leg elevation.

- [scoffs] - Go 40 degrees or go home.

Well, I barely slept.

I'm too excited about my appearance

on "Live with Kelly and Ryan."

Really? You're going to be on "Live with Kelly and Ryan"?

- I had no idea! - Seriously?

I've been talking about it so much...

Oh, you're being mean. Okay, got it.

Aw, it's like my dream come true.

I know, all that hard work, finally paying off.

Right, your thing,

but, also, I'm going to be in the same room

as Kelly Ripa and Ryan Sea crest.

When I was a stay-at-home mum, they were the only adults

that would keep me company, so...

Yeah, a couple times I walked in

on her talking back to the TV.

[whispering] Actually a little creepy.

[cell phone buzzes]

Oh, that's our landlord,

probably calling to give more excuses

as to why our apartment's not ready.

I don't know why these repairs are taking so long.

It's not like the apartment was nice before.

Hey, don't tell them, but the suite I booked

at our hotel in New York is bigger than their apartment.

- "Our hotel"? - So you're coming with us?

Yeah, Tom, I'm your publisher.

Got to be there to make sure the interview goes well.

Right, right, right.

Connor, look, I'm so appreciative

of everything you've done for me.

You've been very, very present.

Stop.

But I think I can handle this one all by myself.

- Oh. - Yeah, great.

- I'm really proud of you, man. - Thank you.

Wow. That means a lot.

[chuckles]

You're still coming, aren't you?

- Oh, absolutely. - I thought so.

- So what's the bad news now... - Another week of repairs, two?

Oh, the apartment's ready today?

Like, today today?

Wow. No, that's... yeah.

Uh-huh, thank you for the update.

- The apartment is ready. - Oh, good.

- Finally. - Yeah.

- Right? - Back to our regular lives.

To our bed with zero leg elevation.

No Bluetooth toilet.

- Complete lack of sauna. - Mm-hmm.

- So what's the update? - So...

- It's not ready yet! - Oh, wow.

Yeah, I mean, you know how these things just take forever.

Mm-hmm, yeah, I hope you don't mind us

sticking around for a little longer.

Yeah, it's fine by me,

but since I'm going to be in New York

and Gretchen's at her mum's place,

I told Lupe she could take the week off.

I'm going to visit a lover.

Would you guys be okay to be here all alone?

- Don't worry about us. - Yeah.

- We'll manage. - Cool.

- Thank you. - [chuckles]

- Fire up that sauna. - Mama's ready to sweat.

- Ooh! - Mm, mm, mm, mm.

♪ Hey, hey, hey, hey ♪

Okay, uh, the kids are at my folks'.

I packed my neck pillow, my back pillow,

my feet pillows, AKA my slippers.

Oh, hey, you're here early, man.

Flight doesn't take off for, like, five hours.

[sighs] Tom, why don't you have a seat?

- Have a seat, Tom. - Okay.

If this is about seeing "Aladdin" on Broadway,

I can do that by myself.

We think it'd be a good idea to do some media training

before New York.

- What are you talking about? - I don't need media training.

I've been doing interviews for weeks.

Yeah, that's why we're worried.

Yeah.

And when you're taking the raw material of your own life

and transubstantiating that into fiction,

you're faced with the existential question of,

what is truth?

Reminds me of something that Jonathan Franzen wrote

when he was asked what role literature plays

in a post-democratic world.

[chuckles] I don't know if we're watching

the same interview here, guys, but I am killing it.

Honey, let's be honest.

You're long-winded, and you come across as...

Don't take this the wrong way... A total douche.

So what's the right way to take that?

And what's up with the hand?

You know, you look like you're working a grill at Benihana.

- People love this. - Look at the comments.

All right, this person called me a real cutie.

Check the username on that one.

"TommysMommyMuriel."

Okay, that could be anybody.

Look, if you want this book to sell,

you're going to have to appeal

to more than just our mum, all right?

You're going to be on national TV.

Let's do a practice interview.

I can help.

I've seen every single episode of "Kelly and Ryan."

I know what a good interview looks like.

You want to be 2016 Jerry O'Connell,

not 2019 Jerry O'Connell.

- Okay, sure, I guess. - Great.

Let's get some duct tape for those hands.

You know, every time I go to the bathroom,

- I discover something new. - Same!

Did you know the rain shower has a monsoon setting?

- So does the bidet. - [laughing] Oh, my God.

Mm.

So what should we do next?

Maybe watch something in the home theatre?

- Ooh, HGTV in HDTV? - [laughter]

You know, there's that new movie

where Laura Dern throws a glass of wine at the wall.

- I love when she does that. - I love when she does that.

Hey, uh, since we're off from school tomorrow,

could I invite a friend to sleep over?

- Ooh, I don't know, sweetie. - This is Uncle Connor's house.

- Yeah. - So invite more than one!

- There's all this room! - Yeah, go crazy!

- Thanks. - Yeah.

[upbeat music playing]

And then I come home, and I find Mark in the kitchen

with nothing on but an apron.

He cooked a four-course meal from scratch.

And he was the dessert! [laughter]

I just went antiquing with the Kardashians last weekend,

and I got to tell you, Khloe loves a credenza.

- Oh, does she? - [laughs]

So are you gonna introduce me or...

I'm getting there, Tom.

So please welcome the author of the new novel,

"Home Economics," Tom Hayworth!

[light applause]

- Hey! - Thanks for coming by.

Okay.

So, Tom, I read and loved your book.

And I got to say, talk about it.

Sure.

Uh, thank you.

It's a roman à clef, as the French said...

[imitates buzzer] All right, Tom, this answer already sucks.

And I'm obviously speaking as Connor here,

because Ryan would never be that rude.

Try kicking it off with a self-deprecating joke.

Kelly will love that.

Yeah, something like, "Are we sure this isn't a big mistake?

Did you mean to book Stephen King?"

Or, "Oh, I really stressed out your makeup team.

They said they'd never seen someone so pale."

Or like, "They asked me backstage

"what kind of hairstyle I wanted, and I said,

'Give me the full Tig Notaro.'"

[laughing] Yes.

- Great. - Any others?

"The wardrobe team didn't know what to do with me.

They said it was like dressing a scarecrow."

- A praying mantis. - A boy on stilts.

A stale cake pop.

Thanks.

So are the characters really based

on your actual family members?

Well, they were a launching point,

but eventually my imagination...

- [imitates buzzer] - Boring.

Can I just finish one answer, please?

So, Tom, is this one of those books that has themes?

Yes.

Uh, as I see it, the story is really about fairness...

- [imitates buzzer] - Stop looking at your feet.

- Tom, eye contact. - Right.

Why our self-worth is so tied to money.

Okay, this is too much eye contact.

You're freaking me out, man.

[voice cracking] Ultimately, I hope that the readers

see their own families reflected in these pages.

Now you sound like Marty McFly.

Oh, my God, I totally hear it.

- What? - No, come on!

I do not sound like Michael J. Fox.

You know what? Screw this.

- This interview's over! - Honey, come on!

No! If anything, you guys are just making me more nervous.

And, yes, I know I'm all over the place with my hands.

We're just trying to help.

Yeah, Tom, this is your big moment.

You've worked so hard to get here.

Okay, let's break it down to three simple rules...

Relax, don't ramble, and never look at the camera.

You do those three things,

the books will fly off the shelves.

- Okay, yeah. - Let's just keep going.

And we'll be right back with more Tom Hayworth.

[softly] So, as I said to Chelsea last week,

I looked at her and said...

Sorry, are we still doing this?

- We're on break, Tom. - Save it for the air.

[quirky music]

I know I said sending Shamiah to Windmount

with all those rich kids was a bad idea,

but I feel like she's fitting in really well.

Yeah, looks like that's another thing I'm right about.

Not that I'm keeping track, but the score is 17-3.

It's been a bad month.

- [laughing] - It was so embarrassing!

[whispering] what do you think they're talking about...

Their crushes? [gasps]

I saw you talking to Xander in the hallway.

- Is that a thing? - He's cute.

We'll see.

He lives in this neighbourhood.

- Have you guys hung out? - Uh, no.

Um...

we're new here.

My mums only bought this place a few months ago.

[mouths word]

They bought it from Matt Damon...

You know, from the crypto commercial.

It's not as big as our old house,

but we're making it work.

[whispering] I told you sending her to that school

was a bad idea.

- 16-4! - Yeah.

[upbeat music]

[♪ ♪]

- No, that really happened. - That really happened.

So, anyway, if you think your family is crazy,

then you're going to love reading my book.

Oh, good stuff!

Just say all that out there, and you'll be great.

[inhales deeply] Okay.

Why don't you hop on over to makeup?

- You're on in 15. - All right.

So, um, how many of these mugs do you think we can take?

I'd say it's probably a one-mug limit, yeah.

- Aw. - Hey.

Hey, how was the pre-interview?

Great.

She said for a novelist, I'm surprisingly normal.

- Ah! - Okay.

Okay, just remember...

Relax, don't ramble, don't look at the camera.

Honey, I'm going to be fine.

I know this is my big moment. Not going to blow it.

- No, of course you're not. - I'm not worried.

Okay, I'm going to go get some makeup on.

I'm going to be a star. [laughs]

- Oh, no. - I'm worried.

Yeah, I'm going to go talk to that producer.

Yeah, and I'm going to see how much

of this "Kelly and Ryan" swag I can stuff in my purse.

Okay.

Hey, you guys are going to take it easy on Tom, right?

I don't want this turning

into one of those "gotcha" interviews.

- This is daytime television. - We don't do that.

- Oh, good to know. - Good to know.

Just looking out for my big brother.

"Brother"? I thought you were the publisher.

Oh, I'm both.

Yeah, the publishing company was going bankrupt,

so I bought it so the book would come out.

Wow, that's... impressive.

Yeah, well, you know, I'm a pretty generous guy.

Thought about adopting a dog once, actually.

[both chuckle]

[♪ ♪]

There's our pretty little liar,

acting like everything's fine.

I was tossing and turning about it all last night...

well, for, like, five minutes.

That mattress really rocks you to sleep.

It cradles you into submission.

Mm-hmm.

I know it's intimidating going to Windmount

with all those rich kids,

but I do not like the idea of her lying.

We should talk to her about it, now,

before Tom's interview.

Good idea.

Hey, Shamiah?

Can you come out here for a second?

Yeah.

This coffee's really good.

Yeah, Connor has the beans shipped directly from Honduras.

You can taste it.

- Uh, what's up? - Oh, nothing.

Just drinking our coffee in front of our house

that we bought with our money.

[sighs] You heard me?

Yeah.

Look, we know that there are not a lot of families like us

at Windmount, but you should be proud of who you are.

And this could be a real teachable moment, you know,

for your friends.

We can talk about income inequality and the wage gap.

And we can all sit down together and talk about it.

You don't have to do this alone.

- Yeah. - You're right.

I should come clean.

- Thanks for having my back. - Of course, sweetie.

- Okay. - Okay.

- There's our girl. - Yeah.

- I knew she'd get it. - Yeah.

Also, did we just totally nail that parenting moment?

- We really did. - [laughing] We did.

Oh, whoops.

Okay, I think she must have locked by accident.

Shamiah?

Sweetie, I think the door locked behind you.

- The door. - The door.

- Shamiah? - The door.

Do you...

- [gasps] - Did she just...

- Lock us out? - She sure did.

Both: Shamiah!

Well, that was fun, wasn't it?

I mean, you never know what's going to happen

when Jerry O'Connell stops by.

All right, our next guest

is the author of my new favourite novel,

"Home Economics," which hits stores today.

Please welcome Tom Hayworth.

[cheers and applause]

- So nice to meet you. - Welcome!

- Hi, Tom, good to have you. - Thanks.

I've got to tell you, I'm so happy you're here.

I have been raving about your book.

- [voice cracking] - Wow. This is... that's heavy.

- Oh, no. - Full McFly.

We're dead.

- Sorry, I'm like... - [clears throat]

I'm really nervous.

I need this interview to go well.

My last book bombed so hard,

they couldn't give away free copies to libraries.

[laughter]

Well, this one's going to be a hit.

I promise you, I could not put it down.

Yeah, she's been ignoring me for days.

[laughs] That is true.

I especially loved the wife character.

She was so sharp and so relatable.

I wanted to be friends with her.

- That's me. - She's talking about me.

That's actually based on my wife, Marina.

She's here today. [cheers and applause]

- Oh! - No way!

Hi! Hi, Marina!

Hi!

[panting, squeaky voice] I'm Kelly.

You're Mari... Don't look at the camera.

Mm!

What are you doing after the show?

You want to brunch? [laughter]

I love you.

- [awkward laughter] - Okay. All right.

So you clearly took some dramatic liberties

with the character.

Yeah, well, she's normally...

better.

Now, our producers tell us that your brother

is the reason your book actually got published.

Oh, well, uh, yeah, I wouldn't say the reason.

And he's here with us right now.

Connor Hayworth, is it true that you saved the book?

Oh, it was nothing.

Just a little bro looking out for his big bro.

He would've done the same for me.

- All: Aw. - That is so sweet!

- Adorable. - Come on up here.

I'm sure our audience would love to hear the whole story.

- Come on up. - Oh, I don't know.

- Yeah, I don't know. - Both: Oh, come on.

Let's give it up for him, everybody!

You sure you want someone onstage

better-looking than Ryan? [laughter]

This guy's a charmer!

- Come on, have a seat. - Adorable.

- Hi! - Oh.

All right.

Wait a minute.

Aren't you the guy behind Drawer D'Oeuvres?

- That's me. - [chuckles]

Dude, he knows Drawer D'Oeuvres.

Great.

[upbeat music]

The guy has 50 windows.

How does not a single one of them open?

- Oh, I see Kelvin! - Ooh, ooh!

- Kelvin! - Kelvin!

Die, zombie!

Die!

Okay, he's not allowed to play that game anymore.

Tom's interview just started.

Wait, why is Connor onstage?

- Oh, no, this can't be good. - And we're missing it.

Both: Kelvin!

I can't believe you spent all that money to save Tom.

I don't even send my sister a Christmas card.

- Facts. - [laughter]

I mean, what was your reaction, Tom?

It had to make you feel good

to know that your brother was willing

to give you such a generous gift.

Oh, yeah, well, obviously, I was very grateful,

which actually ties to the theme of the book,

which is that siblings can...

Well, actually, when he found out, he got mad at me

and picked a fight on our family trip

to Disneyland, which I also paid for.

- Mm. - [laughter]

In my defence, I didn't know

Connor was going to venture into publishing,

especially since I've never seen him crack open a book,

- so... - [laughter]

Well, who has time to read

when you're busy bailing out your brother all the time,

right? [laughter]

What was your excuse in high school?

I did all his homework for him. [laughter]

Can I... Give me the mug. No, come on.

You took the chair. I get the mug.

Guys, can we get another mug out here, please?

Am I going to have to put you in a time-out

like I do Sea crest?

- Because I'll do it. - She will.

- It's my interview. - It's my mug.

No, no, no. Ah!

He wet the bed until he was ten!

- [audience gasps] - Oh.

- Guys. - Uh...

Well, I'm no longer the embarrassing one.

So, about the book...

Yeah, it's about three siblings

at three different levels of financial success.

What are you doing, man? We're on live TV!

I can't believe you told everyone I P'd the B!

- Guys, come on! - Stop!

I'm so sor...

[gasps] Oh, you're even prettier up close, your hair.

Hey, can we get her off set?

Yeah, let's take a break.

We'll be right back.

You smell amazing.

[♪ ♪]

[panting] Did it really just take us an hour

to circle Connor's house?

When did he install a hedge maze?

I told you we should have taken that left.

I can't believe Shamiah!

We always taught her that material things don't matter.

Why would she suddenly think

that our life wasn't good enough?

I don't know, but I'm too thirsty for this conversation.

I could really use that cucumber water.

Yeah, and maybe a bubble bath in the Jacuzzi,

just, like, turn the jets all the way up.

- That sounds so nice. - [laughing] Yeah.

- We're the problem. - Oh, it's us.

- It's definitely us. - Yeah.

I mean, we did delay going home

so we could live it up here.

What kind of message is that sending?

It's so much harder to be mad at her now.

Ladies, could you back away from the residence, please?

A neighbour called

about trespassers peeking through windows.

- Oh. - Yeah, well, that was us.

But we weren't peeking.

We were trying to open the windows.

- And we're not trespassing. - Yeah, this is our residence.

I mean, it's not our residence.

It's our brother's residence.

Well, it's not my brother. It's her brother's residence.

Right, but right now he is on "Live with Kelly and Ryan."

I'm not totally sure why.

The point is, we're not pretending this is our home.

We know it's not our home.

But we are trying to get into the home, so...

[dramatic music]

I'm gonna need some backup.

- Okay, come with me. - Oh, no.

- No, no. - Wait!

They're telling the truth.

We actually live in a tiny apartment in Oakland

with a view of a fire escape.

But I didn't lie about everything.

I do think Xander is cute.

So you're poor?

I mean, we're not poor,

but compared to you, yes.

That...

absolutely...

slaps.

Wait, it slaps?

Everyone else in our school is, like, super rich.

It's so boring.

- Yeah. - Yeah, totally.

Oh, really?

Well, did I mention that we only have one bathroom?

Like, on each floor?

We only have one floor.

- Shut up! - What?

- So you all share? - I would die!

Yeah, and there's no dishwasher,

and the windows don't open.

And one time we found a rat that was decapitated...

Okay, I think they've heard enough.

Girls, why don't you grab your stuff?

Your parents will be here any minute.

Okay.

Sorry for locking you guys out.

It's okay.

I think we all got seduced by this fantasy.

Mm-hmm, but you're still super grounded

because you can't lock your mums outside.

- I get it. - But can I...

No, you cannot be grounded here.

It's time for us to go home.

Well, I killed all those zombies.

What?

Brunch.

Kelly wanted to grab brunch with me,

and I completely blew it.

Well, I was absolutely crushing it

until someone decided to rush the stage and ruin everything.

- I didn't rush the stage. - I was invited.

After all that talk

about how this was going to be my big moment,

you just couldn't help yourself, could you?

You had to make it all about you, like always.

I was being a good sport.

It's your fault for not playing along with it.

I never should let you come.

I never should have bought this company.

- Hey, hey, dummies. - Look.

- Oh, my God. - It's out.

[chuckles] It's beautiful.

Wow.

Is this what giving birth feels like?

Yeah. Sure.

[uplifting music]

Hey, you know what, man?

- It was all worth it. - Yeah.

Sorry I ruined the launch, though.

No, come on.

- We ruined it together. - [chuckles]

- Hey, look, look, look. - Someone's about to buy it.

I saw the author and his brother

fighting on TV this morning.

[laughs] It was hilarious.

Maybe you didn't mess things up after all.

No such thing as bad press, right?

I mean, they were such idiots.

I mean, it was maybe the most embarrassing thing

I've ever seen.

Okay, pump the brakes, man.

You know, I'd like to see you on network TV.

That was good content!

- You know what? - Give him his money back.

- You don't get the book. - Oh...

- Give the book back. - You give him his money back.

Get the money, but...

- Buy the book... - No, no, don't...

- Get the money. - But just shut up about us.

- [chuckles] - Just give me the mug.

- No, it's my interview. - It's my mug.

No, no, no.

He wet the bed until he was ten!

It's up to 200,000 views.

Wow, Dad. You're famous.

Oh, well, as long as it helps book sales.

- Have you read the comments? - People are obsessed with you.

Really?

Okay, Camilla, "obsessed" might be a little strong.

Yeah, it's about three siblings

at three different levels of financial success.

What the... What are you doing, man?

We're on live TV!

I can't believe you told everyone I P'd the B!

- Guys, come on, stop! - I'm so...

I have been raving about your book.

I'm really nervous.

I need this interview to go well.

This one's gonna be a hit.

Well, I don't know how many fans I have,

but, yeah, I'll be doing some readings.

[echoing] I'd be excited to meet some fans.

[suspenseful music]