Original subtitles

- Hey. - Hey.

Come on in. We're just setting up.

- Lulu, calm down. - I am calm.

Connor, you drive like a maniac.

Hell yeah, I do.

♪ Ba dah dah dah ♪ Big announcement, people.

So exciting... a chapter from "Home Economics"

is in this month's "Harper's Magazine."

[CHEERING]

[LAUGHTER]

Oh, big publicity win for the company.

Would've been cooler if it was in "Hoopers" magazine, though.

What's "Hoopers"?

It's a magazine for people who own basketball teams?

Keep up, Tom.

What chapter did they go with?

Uh, the one where we got married.

"Bride the comes here"?

Bad news, they printed the title backwards.

Oh, you would get it if you were at their wedding.

Why is there an illustration of a crying bride?

Yeah, isn't this supposed to be like the happiest day

of your life?

It was...

I mean, eventually.

[CHUCKLING]

[HIP-HOP MUSIC]

♪ ♪

- Well, that's not great. - Ah, it can't be that bad.

They're not even using the siren.

[SIREN BLARES] Oh, boy.

♪ Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah ♪

♪ Let's go! ♪

♪ Up in the club with my homies ♪

♪ Trying to get a little V-I ♪

♪ Keep it down on the low key, low key ♪

♪ You should know how it feels ♪

- ♪ Hey, hey ♪ - Steady, Tommy.

Don't want to impale you on your big day.

I don't play favourites with my children.

- But if I did... - Oh, come on, Mum.

No one's keeping score around here.

My first book is coming out. We bought a house.

I wasn't gonna tell you guys yet, but I did it.

I quit my copywriting job at Myspace

to focus full time on fiction.

My son, the professional novelist.

Look out, David Baldacci.

- Oh. - Wow, novelist, so cool.

It's like being a college lacrosse player...

Doesn't count for jack.

Connor, we go to all of your lacrosse games.

You know, once I go pro, I'll be making 30K a year, easy.

You're gonna have to support him one day.

- Oh, I know. - Sarah, it's almost time.

Shouldn't you do your hair and makeup?

I did it already.

Oh!

So where's your date?

Uh, he's around here somewhere.

Hey, hey, hey.

What! Wasabi?

Hey, Dennis.

Hello, my little butterfly sugar baby.

I keep having to track you down.

You're not trying to ditch me, are you?

Oh, no, no, no, I'm just busy with bridesmaid stuff.

You are looking sharp, Dennis.

Thank you, Mr. H. Game recognise game.

This is Jonas Brothers for Tuxedo Junction.

So stylish and also financially successful.

- Mm. - Look at the two of you,

- perfect match. - Right?

Imagine the "babaes."

We should start tonight.

All right, well, I got a hankerin' for a drinkerin'.

Join me at the barrio?

Let's go.

OK, Sarah, this is getting ridiculous.

Yeah, you gotta come out to Mum and Dad.

This is cray.

You've had serious girlfriends.

Well, one serious college girlfriend.

And you know how Mum is.

I mean, when I got a nose ring, she took to her bed

for three days.

I mean, Dennis is pretty sweet.

Do not get attached, OK?

He's just here to get Mum off my back

so that everyone can enjoy the day.

Well, Marina and I did a pretty sick job

planning this wedding. I don't think

anyone's gonna have trouble enjoying today.

Papi, can you please try to enjoy yourself today?

Ay, sí, calm down, Roberto.

How am I supposed to calm down when my daughter is

marrying a man who has no job?

He's a writer!

Same thing.

How is this man supposed to support a family?

- I have a job too, Dad, remember? - Oh, yeah.

My daughter works all day in the law office

so Tom can stay home and write his little stories.

That's not fair.

Some days, he doesn't write anything at all.

Oh, por favor, mi amor.

Tom and I are gonna be fine.

Tom and I are gonna be fine, right, Mommy?

Of course.

No, I mean, I love him so much

and I'm excited to marry him.

But if I'm being honest,

him quitting his job when he did,

right after we signed a mortgage

and paid for a wedding... What if he, you know,

doesn't make good choices?

Have faith in your choices.

You chose Tom.

No matter what bumps in the road come,

you'll handle it.

[SIGHS] You're right, I'm just nervous.

I'm getting married. I'm getting married.

[LAUGHTER]

- Que bueno! - Well, look at you, gorgeous.

Hey.

- OK. - Your bouquet.

Everything's set out there. How are you feeling?

Cool, great. Perfect, Great.

- That's a lot of synonyms. - Yeah.

Could you bring me some water or something?

- Yeah. - By something, I mean tequila.

- No, I assumed. - Thank you.

So, yeah, I'm kind of the MVP of my lacrosse team.

I'm an attorney for a petroleum company.

Word. So I bet seeing a futon in person

would be a real thrill for ya.

[GIGGLES] Uh-uh.

That's cool.

I'm an athlete, and sex can negatively affect performance,

so try to stay away from it anyways.

What's up, man?

Let me know if you need any jokes for the vows.

I've seen, like, every episode of "American Dad."

Thanks, bro, but I think I got this covered.

I'm a professional writer now.

Aren't you technically unemployed?

Aren't you technically a virgin?

Mm.

Hey, uh, I know you're not officially open,

but could I get a shot of tequila for the bride?

Sure. Any particular brand?

- Sarah. - Denise.

What... what are you... What are you doing here?

Catering.

Oh, right.

It's my summer job while I'm student teaching.

- Mm-hmm. - You?

- It's my brother's wedding. - Wow.

So, yeah, this is so crazy.

- This is so weird. - Yeah.

I haven't seen you since, um, senior year, when... when we...

We broke up.

Right, that whole thing.

I'll take your largest beer, please.

Oh, um, we're actually not open.

And this is just for the bride.

This is also for the bride.

She told me she wanted un grande cervezas.

No. No, no, no, no.

Why don't we head in?

The wedding's about to start.

Hey, maybe we could catch up later, if... if you...

- Yeah, I do. - OK.

- I do want to. - OK.

All right, see you, Sarah.

Bye, Denise.

[WHISPERING] Oh, my god.

Wait, like, Denise Denise, the girl you dated in college?

Mm-hmm, yep.

Whoa.

[MARIACHI MUSIC]

♪ ♪

OK.

- This is it. - OK.

This is it.

Mm, well, unless it's not.

Papi.

Hey, Papi, Roberto, sir.

Thank you for... your daughter.

Good luck.

You look incredible.

I do.

Dearly beloved...

[GASPS, COMMOTION]

- Oh... - What?

You good?

[SIREN WAILING]

I mean, they said it was just heatstroke.

As an athlete, I know signs of poor hydration

when I see it.

Yeah, he probably just needs to cool down.

They said they'd call us when they're ready,

and he'll come back and marry us.

So we just wait?

Well, in three hours, we're gonna lose this venue

to an Avatar-themed bar mitzvah.

Oh, that movie's [SNAPS FINGERS] so dank.

So, what, we're just supposed to cancel the wedding?

We can't afford to cancel the wedding.

I just quit my job. Oh my god, I just quit my job.

Was that a mistake?

I thought you felt good about that.

I do. I do.

[WHISPERING] I don't.

Wait, why don't you just do the party

first and the ceremony second?

Hey, buddy, uh, the adults are talking right now.

Wait, that's actually not a bad idea.

I mean, have the reception.

And by the time it's over, then the priest will be back.

- I mean, I don't know. - Tom, it could work.

Everybody's already here.

And so many people came from out of town.

[INAUDIBLE SPANISH]

No, no, no, no, look, look, look, you know what?

We're doing a backwards wedding.

Yes! [LAUGHTER]

- Tom, it's gonna to be OK. - Yeah, it's gonna be great.

Look, as long as I'm married to you at the end of this, then...

[GIGGLES]

I'm happy.

So what if it's the opposite of everything

we planned and we're taking advice from...

- this guy. - OK.

- OK, everybody, move. - Yeah.

- Sarah. - Yes.

Can you get the caterers to start early?

Sure. I'll talk to the bartender!

Just in case there's, like, an ice situation.

Connor, think you could get people on the dance floor?

No, I just loaded up this Zune full of absolute bangers

- for no reason. - ♪ Drop it to the floor ♪

- ♪ Drop, drop it to the floor ♪ - OK.

- ♪ Drop it to the floor... ♪ - It's gonna be great.

- I love you. - I love you too.

No! We're not married yet.

But we've kissed many times before.

Oh, wow, well, we can serve the food,

but we're not quite ready.

So some of the courses are gonna be out of order.

Oh, that's totally fine, 'cause out

of order is sort of the unofficial wedding theme.

You know, I'm not supposed to mingle with the guests.

Oh, mingling.

Is that what we're doing?

Oh, heyo, there she is.

Hi. The drinks have been great. Thank you.

So, "Sa-rahh," since they're doing the whole wedding

thing backwards, what say you and me

skip to the end of the date.

Oh my god.

- Uh, Denise... - It's Dennis.

What, did you get heat stroke, there, honey pie?

[GIGGLES] Oop, b-wrapped Ds.

He means bacon-wrapped dates.

So you're dating a Dennis.

No, no, not exactly dating.

It's just that, uh, my parents still don't know

that I'm not exactly into men.

Oh, so nothing's changed since college

when you wouldn't let them know I existed.

- It's complicated. - It's really not.

I should get back to work.

Oh, my god, Sarah, you got to try this dip.

So let's put our paws together for Tom and Marina,

just about to be married

but technically still dating.

Thanks, Dad.

♪ Shake your money maker

♪ Like somebody 'bout to pay ya ♪

♪ I see you on my radar ♪

♪ Don't you act like you afraid of shh ♪

♪ You know I got it ♪

♪ If you want to come get it ♪

♪ Stand next to this money like ♪

♪ Eh, eh, eh! ♪

♪ Shake your money maker ♪

♪ Like somebody 'bout to pay ya ♪

And I could not be more proud of my daughter.

And then there's Tom, who I know would never try to start

a family in the world's most expensive city

with a mortgage and no steady source of income.

Because that would be crazy. Am I right?

♪ You lookin' good in them jeans ♪

We're all headed to the dance floor.

See you guys out there.

Yeah, you want to crank that Soulja Boy?

- ♪ Money on my mind ♪ - Yeah.

What's your screen name?

♪ When you shake your behind ♪

Right here, right here, right here.

OK, somebody else? Anybody else want to get crunk?

♪ My whole hood is to my left ♪

♪ And they ain't giving a... ♪

[WOMEN CHEERING]

Oh my god, I caught it!

Oh, that still counts.

Pick it up, honey.

Woo!

[MARIACHI MUSIC]

Well, we wanted a wedding that nobody would forget.

No matter how hard they try.

Ah, yeah, things don't always go as planned.

Priests collapse.

Cake is served before salmon.

They're just some bumps along the road

that we're on together, right? [CELL PHONE RINGING]

Oh, sorry, I'm getting a call.

- You're gonna take it? - It's the hospital.

Take it.

Hello?

OK.

OK. Well...

let me know if anything changes.

- The priest is dead. - What?

What up, party people?

Who wants to see me toss the B flipper?

Connor, we discussed this.

No backflips. Oh...

[GLASS SHATTERING] [ALL GASPING]

Oh, my foot!

Not my lacrosse foot!

Ugh!

So more bumps than anticipated.

Oh, come on, this wedding is cursed.

[LAUGHS] Yeah.

Foot's definitely broken. Athletic career is done.

Now I'll never hook up with a gymnast

in the Olympic Village.

OK, just leave your foot up, Conny.

Sarah, would you get some more ice, please?

Sure, I'll just go talk...

To the bartender.

So much for professional lacrosse.

Looks like I'm living at home forever.

I'll never get my sewing room.

Where the hell are we supposed to find a new priest?

We have to figure something out.

We're gonna lose this venue in the next 40 minutes.

Well, hey, I could officiate.

I'm an ordained online minister.

That's right. He married our neighbour's Shih Tzus in the backyard.

It was adorable.

Oh, thanks, but my dad's already

upset that we're getting married outdoors

instead of a church.

So if we don't have a priest, he will not be happy.

Well, he's already unhappy.

I mean, he hates me.

- No, Tom, he doesn't hate you. - No.

You know, what If he's right?

You know, what if I suck?

I make terrible choices.

I mean, quitting my job right after we bought a house...

It's like, what is that?

That's, like, insane, right?

No. I mean, maybe?

Oh, my god, this is worse than the frickin' dog wedding.

No, Tom, where are you going?

I hope your brother's OK.

Denise, believe me, I wanted to come out to my parents.

I did.

I... I wanted to be this person for you.

I didn't want you to do anything for me.

I wanted this for you.

Well, the moment just never presented itself.

- Sarah. - Unless that moment is now.

How long does it take to get ice?

Two white wine spritzers, please.

Uh, Mum, I want to tell you something.

I want to tell you something.

We are planning a family trip to Boca Raton,

and I have already invited Dennis.

- Mum. - What? What is it?

- This is Denise. - I know.

I can read her name tag.

Thank you, Bernice.

We should be getting back to the table.

Every time I go looking for you, you're at this bar.

People are gonna think you're some kind of booze hound.

Wow, loud and proud.

Yo, yo, yo, bro Montana.

What's cracking, Broseph Gordon-Levitt?

I'm sorry about your foot there.

You must be pretty salty about the lacrosse.

I was a water polo man myself.

Oh, the lacrosse of the seas.

You know it.

But, look, it's just sports, right?

- Don't sweat it. - Ah not for me, my dog.

Lacrosse was my only plan.

You know pro players get a $30 meal per diem, per day?

Yeah, everybody knows that.

Well, I was gonna put that cash towards Pokémon cards,

you know, load up on first editions,

holographics... Charizards, Snorlax, Articuno...

All the legendary birds.

I figure over time I could turn $10K into $50K,

easy, no prob.

That's a pretty solid return there, home skillet.

And if you're looking for a new direction in life,

why don't you holler at your boy.

There's my card.

Private equity?

I think you just might have a brain for it.

For shizzle.

Hey.

Looks like you could use one of these.

Thanks.

I've never been a wine gal, but today I see the appeal.

Yeah, I hear you. It's been a day for me too.

Mm.

Want to join?

Uh, sure.

I'm gonna quit this job soon anyway.

Denise.

Marina.

Can I ask you something?

Do you believe in signs?

Like messages from the universe?

Omens, harbingers, the Zodiac,

the spirit realm, Incan Sun worship?

Yeah, why?

OK, normally I don't.

But I feel like today the messaging from the universe

has been extra loud.

Well, the thing about signs is that they are just signs.

They're not orders.

Ultimately, you get to decide whatever you want to do.

What if I don't know?

I thought I was just having pre-wedding jitters.

But now I wonder if it's more than that.

What if the person that you love

isn't the person that you need them to be?

I've been there.

So... what do I do?

Have more wine?

I like the way you think.

- Hey. - What?

- Hey. - Where'd you go?

Marina seemed pretty upset.

I just took a little walk.

I'm having a pre-panic attack.

It's when I start panicking about having a panic attack.

This thing is like disaster, man.

No, it's not.

Your life is great, dude.

You're still marrying a smoking-hot babe.

You're about to be a best-selling author.

Come on, man, you don't know that.

No, but I believe it.

- You do? - Yeah.

You're my big brother. And Marina believes it too.

Otherwise, she wouldn't be marrying you.

I mean, she could have anyone.

She is like...[HISSES] an absolute smoke show.

Yeah, no, you already said that.

Like, she's hot enough to be in one

of those German body wash ads I keep accidentally

downloading from LimeWire.

- What? - Yeah.

My computer is messed up.

Maybe you could start slowing down on that.

And you get to smash that for the rest of your life.

- Like, that's sick. - I'm probably gonna leave

- you hanging on that one. - I get that. I do.

Oh, OK.

Look, man, I know I don't say this a lot, but...

I've always looked up to you.

You just... you know what you want to do,

and you're brave enough to go do it.

And you know what, you're right.

I got to go.

Sarah, you need to hang on to these.

- I didn't catch it. - Sure you did.

And it means that you and Dennis are next.

Why do you want me to get married so bad?

Because I want you to be happy.

You know what, Mum, uh...

OK, I'm so tired of pretending.

I know exactly what would make me happy,

and it is being with the person that I love.

And she is sitting right out there.

Marina?

- Does Tom know? - No, no, not Marina, Mum.

The bartender.

We dated in college, and it was actually really serious.

Oh. Well, if it was Marina,

your brother would've been crushed.

OK, wait, sorry, so... so you're not

shocked that I'm gay?

Well, I'm a little surprised, given the way

you've been throwing yourself at Dennis all day.

But then there's the nose ring.

Mum.

[SIGHS]

- Sarah? - Yep?

I love you.

And I'm sorry that you didn't feel you

could talk to me about this.

Mum, thank you for accepting me.

Well, I didn't say I accepted you.

I just came out to my mum.

You just came out to your mum?

- Right now? - Yeah.

And I'm supposed to believe that?

[ROMANTIC MUSIC]

♪ ♪

She finally did it.

This is the third time that has happened to me.

[GIGGLES]

OK, so can we just... Just start over?

You know, just pretend that I'm some girl

picking you up at a wedding.

Nice to meet you.

Oh, it's so nice to meet you.

I am Lulu.

- Wait, I was gonna say Lulu. - Are you serious?

- Yes. - [LAUGHING] Oh, my god.

- Well, it's a sign. - Yeah.

I guess we'll both just have to be Lulu.

I like that.

Looks like the bar mitzvah folks are starting to arrive.

People are starting to leave.

Mijita, what do you want to do?

I don't know. I... I need to talk to Tom.

Where is Tom?

We saw him get into a car and drive away.

So he's actually leaving me at the altar?

I thought he was just having one of his pre-panic attack

- panic attacks. - Ah, mijita.

Don't worry, I won't tell you I told you so.

- Papa. - Not now.

I'll do it later.

[TIRES SCREECHING] [HORN HONKING]

Guys, wait!

I got a priest! We can get married.

Oh, my god!

Oh, I'm so sorry.

How did you do this?

You actually pulled off a miracle!

I'm so sorry. What did you do?

How did you do...

I drove to the hospital and grabbed the priest giving

last rites to the old priest.

Oh, thank you for being the person I need you to be.

No, no, no, no, we're not married yet.

OK, people, we got about 10 minutes

until this place becomes the magical planet Pandora,

and Josh Gerstein becomes a man, all right?

- Let's do this! - OK.

Yeah.

Oh, my foot!

[RAPID MARIACHI MUSIC]

Come on, let's move.

You still look incredible.

Mm-hmm. You too, yeah, yeah, yeah.

- Dearly beloved... - No time.

Just... you go.

OK, Tom, I love you.

OK, that's it. Now you go.

[GIGGLES] OK, uh, Marina, I love you too.

Whatever bumps in the road may come...

Skip to the end. Go, go, go, go.

- Uh, by the power... - Just go, just go.

Et cetera, I... I pronounce you... kiss.

Yeah! Hey, we did it.

Wow!

[APPLAUSE]

Actually, you know what, Josh Gerstein's

Torah portion can wait.

Come here.

[CHEERING]

Well, Tom, you did it...

[DIGITAL CAMERA SOUND] Barely.

I heard you did it too.

I'm proud of you.

Thanks.

Yeah, I mean, if you decided to just live a lie

and stick it out with the homie Dennis,

that would've been fine by me. Dude was an absolute legend.

But glad you're living your truth or whatever.

- That's chill, too. - OK, thanks, Conn.

All right, let's get Mum and Dad in there.

Sorry, could we just actually hold on for one second.

Come here.

Oh.

Um, everyone, this is Denise.

- Oh! Hi. - Hello, Denise.

- Hey, Denise. - Hello.

We don't have a lot of experience with this...

sort of thing.

Although my husband did go to an all-boys high school,

and I played a female cop in a student film.

[GIGGLING] Oh, wow.

- This is a lot. - Yeah, I'm so sorry.

Yeah, you have no idea.

You and I are gonna be the only normal ones around here.

Now let's stay with the theme of the day.

Everybody say cheese, backwards.

- [DIGITAL CAMERA SOUND] - Ee...

Esee...

[DIGITAL CAMERA SOUND]

Well, that's it. That's the whole story.

[SIGHS] Well, there's 47 minutes of my life

I'll never get back.

So I'm visiting my cousin, Fabian, at the hospital,

when out of nowhere this crazy guy comes running down the hallway

and kidnaps a priest.

Can you describe the man?

So skinny, he was almost paper, like a real life

flat Stanley.

Did you get a good look at his face?

Hard to say.

The body of an old man with the head of a boy.

He looked like a sculpture of Jack Skellington

made out of frozen milk.

He was like a scared fettuccine pasta.

OK, we got it.

He was like if string cheese was a man,

- if that makes sense. - Thank you.