Original subtitles

Good morning, Lupe.

I would not go in there if I were you.

Your family, they are everywhere, like locusts.

Oh, come on, have a heart.

Sarah and Denise had a flood. Tom and Marina had a fire.

Yes, a flood, a fire.

I worry God does not like these people.

[blender whirs]

- Hey. - Hey.

Did you eat all my steel-cut oats?

Of course not. No, I just...

I used it to make oat milk.

It's the creamiest of the non-dairies...

Super good in coffee,

which you now need to get more of.

No big deal. I'll just hit the gym.

[upbeat music playing]

[♪ ♪]

Wow, that's really loud.

- What? - Nothing.

You know what? I'll just... I'll come back later.

Oh, no, thanks. I already had coffee.

Okay.

Also, I think I broke your massage gun.

[music continues muffled]

Person speaks indistinctly on cell phone...

- [sighs] - Shh.

Sorry. Guess I'll just...

Shh.

- Uh, hey, little bro. - Seriously?

I'm doing a writing sprint.

Working on a short story about a Belgian cobbler...

- [laughter] - Ow.

- [babies crying] - Yeah, I know how you feel.

Shh.

Upbeat music...

*HOME ECONOMICS* Season 03 Episode 03

Episode Title: "Sushi For Twelve, $482 Plus Delivery"

Aired on: October 05, 2022.

[children laughing]

Careful if you go upstairs.

The twins fell asleep on your bed.

- Aw. - Isn't that adorable?

- So adorable. - Mm.

So fun you guys are here...

Like, literally in, like, every room.

Yeah, uh, I was going to ask, can we stay a couple more days?

I mean, they say the smoke's all gone,

but I have a very sensitive sniffer.

No problem.

Of course.

Also, can you lay off the cologne?

'Cause of the... Yeah.

Did you see that?

Tom totally sat in my spot.

And Marina is using my favorite Snoopy mug.

Guess it's just an adjustment, you know,

getting used to other people in your space.

Yes, your space.

She's right.

We're being almost as bad as Tom and Marina.

- Yeah, but not as bad. - Both: No.

[laughing] No way.

You know, Connor has been such a great host.

I feel like we should...

I don't know... Get him something.

Oh, that's a great idea.

We have to figure out

what to get the guy who has everything...

Except for a Snoopy mug, because I'm keeping that.

- I think I saw two. - Really?

Yeah.

Ooh, there she is...

The woman so hot, she burned down her house.

Yeah, yeah, okay, it wasn't the whole house.

It was just the curtains and then eventually the wall.

Well, be careful.

If you and Tom burn down this place with another sex fire,

none of us will have a place to stay.

Well, between you and me, it wasn't technically a sex fire

because we didn't actually, you know, do it, sex-wise

Well, I guess a fire would ruin the mood.

That's just it. We never used to need a mood.

We'd just do it.

But, lately... [scoffs]

I guess I've just been so busy with work and the kids.

Well, this happens to everybody

- who's been married this long. - [sighs]

Sarah and I had a dry spell last year.

We went down to, like, twice a week.

[laughs]

Oh, wait, you're serious.

Tom and I haven't, you know, in months.

[laughs]

Oh, you're serious?

Months? Plural?

Okay, yeah, I think... I'm sure that's fine.

- Yeah. - Yeah.

- Totally fine. - Mm-hmm.

I've just been so busy with the book and the kids.

But it's just a dry spell, right?

- It's no big deal. - No, it's a big deal, Tom.

I mean, the same thing happened to me and Emily.

Right before the divorce,

we were down to, like, twice a week.

[laughs] Oh, wait, you're serious?

Are you and Marina getting a divorce?

What? No.

I can't handle that, Tom.

I can't do brunch at two different places.

Just tell me.

Hey, be honest with me. Was it my fault?

Is it... What? No.

Look, okay, everything's fine

between me and your sister-in-law.

Nobody's getting divorced. There's nothing to worry about.

- I feel so much better. - Great.

I'm glad you feel better.

[♪ ♪]

They haven't done it in weeks?

- No, months. - [gasps]

- Don't say anything. - No, of course not.

- You know me. - Yes, yes, I do.

- Yeah, I won't say anything. - Okay.

Ooh, she's here. It's so exciting.

First sleepover with a new friend.

And you were worried Shamiah wasn't going to fit it

at Windmount. [car door closes]

Bye, Mrs. La Croix. I had a great time.

- Hi, sweetie. - Hi.

Oh, we missed you.

I missed you, too.

Your daughter is fabulous.

Oh, yeah, she's all right.

- So it went well? I'm so glad. - It was fabulous.

Shamiah and Kinsey had a blast.

Zara, did you make these?

Guilty. [laughs]

Wow, they're beautiful.

Oh, it's just my little hobby, but I love it.

So do the parents at Windmount.

They buy them faster than I can make them.

[gasps] Oh.

This is what we should get Connor.

[gasps] That's a great idea.

How much are these?

'Cause we would love to get one for my brother.

That would be fabulous!

I usually charge 21,

but since our daughters are clearly besties,

I'll give you the friends and family discount of 18.50.

Amazing. Yes, we'll do it.

These two have homes already,

but I have a fresh one coming out of the kiln this afternoon.

Fabulous. [laughter]

[♪ ♪]

Hey... you.

Hey... guy.

- Sorry. - No, that's okay.

Whoo. Uh, what are you doing around these parts?

Sarah asked me to help her wrap a gift for Connor.

For Connor? She asked me the same thing.

- Uh, really? - That's weird.

Yeah, that is weird. I'm a wrapping machine.

You're all crooked paper and visible tape lines.

[♪ ♪]

Thomas, Marina, you're right on time.

Why don't you have a seat?

Denise told me what Marina said

about your issues in the bedroom.

- Oh, my... - You told Denise?

I am so sorry.

And I never said "issues."

Wow, I'm shocked.

And, honestly, I feel a little betrayed.

Tom, Connor told me what you said about your issues, too.

Yeah, no, I definitely should've seen that coming.

You told Connor?

Why don't you just tell Lupe, too?

Trust me, if Connor knows, Lupe definitely knows.

I understand why you didn't come to me first, okay?

It can be really intimidating opening up to a therapist.

Not the reason.

But the important thing is, you're here now.

- [knock at door] - Hey, could I use my office?

I do actually work.

Oh, we're... we're in the middle of a session.

- Ooh, the sex stuff? - The no-sex stuff.

Okay, is it possible to die of embarrassment?

I hope so.

So who wants to go first?

Yeah, I think we're good.

Thanks.

As fun as ambush therapy sounds...

Fine, walk out that door,

but you're going to be right back to where you started...

Anxious, consumed with doubt, wondering,

"Will I ever recapture that spark we once had?"

[sighs]

Yep.

Look, guys, this doesn't have to be weird, all right?

We're all grown-ups.

We know that sex is about intimacy and honesty

and, above all, communication.

That's where I come in.

- Makes sense, I guess. - Okay.

Now, why don't you take me

through a typical night of your lovemaking,

from arousal to completion?

- Okeydoke. - Yeah, okay, bye-bye.

Wait, but I-I didn't even get to bring out the puppets.

I told you not to say anything.

I don't want to talk about it.

They're obviously just not ready to put in the work.

Your friend is here.

Knock, knock. Vase delivery.

How fun... The guests have guests.

That is gorgeous. Connor will love it.

Thank you so much for bringing it over.

You said it was $18.50?

You know what?

I think I love you guys and your fabulous daughter,

so let's just say $1,800 even.

- Oh, thank you so much. - Oh...

Wait, what?

- 1,800? - Dollars?

Unless euros are easier.

No, no, no, no, no, no,

dollars are equally easy, Denise.

Mm-hmm.

Yeah, I don't think I have that much on me.

I bought diamonds earlier.

Just give it to me whenever.

I should go. I have to take my cat to swim lessons.

- Bye. - Both: Bye!

- Okay. - Oh, my God.

What are we going to do? I don't even have $18 in here.

I just have a $5 and some Altoids.

$1,800? [door closes]

That's, like, the whole baby jar.

I mean, we wouldn't even have a baby jar.

We would have a vase as a baby. I don't want a ceramic baby!

Where do these rich moms get off,

charging so much for a hobby?

We cannot pay $1,800 for a vase, okay?

We have to return it.

Oh, he's coming. Here, hide it.

[squeals]

There's no room in any of these.

Take it, take it, take it.

- Don't throw it. - Come on, come on.

Can I get in there?

Game's on. I wanted to grab some chips.

- I ate them... all the chips. - Mm-hmm.

They're gone, sorry.

Oh. Well, I'll just get some pretzels.

Those are gone, too. I ate 'em.

It's my fault. With my beer...

I needed them with my beer, which is also gone.

Okay.

- Chex Mix? - Mm-mm.

Fiddle Faddle? Paleo Puffs? Ding Dongs?

Nutri-Grain Bars? KIND Bars? CLIF BARS?

- PowerBars? - We love granola.

- Power Crunch bars? - We ate all of it.

We ate all of it, all of it.

Beef jerky? Teriyaki jerky? Buffalo jerky? Turkey jerky?

- It's gone. It's gone, yeah. - Yeah, all the jerky.

So there's nothing in the kitchen for me to eat?

Altoid?

Okay.

- [exhales deeply] - We pulled that off.

- Yes. - Wow.

Oh, look at us

[announcers speaking indistinctly on TV]

[crunching]

Should have savored it. [door opens]

How now, brown cow?

Mom, Dad, what are you doing here?

When Tom and Sarah told us

the whole family was staying over,

we thought it would be fun to swing by.

- Didn't they tell you? - Why tell me?

It's just my house.

Why do you have a suitcase?

Oh, we thought it'd be more fun to stay the night.

- Everybody else is. - Mm.

Also, we were halfway through watching "Pam & Tommy,"

and our free Hulu trial expired.

[sighs] How about this?

I will get you guys a new Hulu subscription at your house.

Oh, I don't know. This just seems easier.

- Mm. - I'll tell you what...

I'll just park the bag in the guest room,

and then we can get our binge on, huh?

Oh, and you're welcome to join us,

but I got to warn you... It's a little blue.

Mm, yeah.

No, I think I'll just, uh, go for a drive.

Oh, hey, uh, Con, I think I may have blocked you in.

Then I'm going for a walk.

No one can take away walking!

Bring a sweater. [door closes]

Everyone is making such a big deal

about a little intimacy problem.

I wouldn't even call it a problem.

- We've just been busy. - So busy.

I mean, it's not like we can't... you know.

We can totally "you know."

We could "you know" anytime.

Anytime.

We could "you know" right now.

We could absolutely right now.

So what if my whole family's outside?

- Doesn't bother me. - Me neither.

Okay. [chuckles]

Uh...

I guess we're doing this.

Hells, yeah, if you're in the mood.

If I'm in the mood? Oh, yeah, I'm...

[chuckles awkwardly] Way in the mood.

Yeah, me too. I'm all horned up.

All right.

♪ Turn down the lights ♪

Okay.

♪ We gonna do it right ♪

♪ I can do just what you want ♪

♪ I ain't lyin', I won't front ♪

♪ It's gonna be the night ♪

♪ I'll change your whole life ♪

This is really doing it for me.

- ♪ Yeah ♪ - ♪ Yeah ♪

[♪ ♪]

[object clatters]

[♪ ♪]

Can I take off the other shoe?

It's messing with my balance.

- Of course. - All right. [Clears throat]

- You can't return it. - Look, we have to.

Do know how embarrassing that will be?

I understand, but if she's your friend, she will get it.

Have you met a teen girl before?

I'm sorry, but we just can't afford it.

Connor was so excited to see us.

We should visit more often.

- [gasps] Oh, my God. - [screaming]

No! Anyone but you!

- [gasps] - [gasps]

Yeah, good luck returning that now.

[whispering] I don't think my parents saw that much.

We weren't really doing anything...

[whispering] Please stop talking.

[whispering] Maybe we could return the vase to Zara

for, like, a few dollars per shard.

Shh, shh, shh.

[whispering] I really don't care for sushi.

Me neither, but we have to keep eating to be polite.

Is there any sushi left?

Oh, there's some edamame... shells.

Oh, great.

Guess I'm eating ginger! [chair thuds]

Okay. [clears throat]

Looks like it falls on me to break the tension.

Dad, could I beg you not to say what you're about to...

- No, you may not. - Okay.

I know everyone feels uncomfortable,

but there's no need.

What Tom and Marina were...

attempting

is a natural part of any loving relationship.

Marshall.

I'm just saying... I, for one,

think the human body is pretty darn amazing.

Dad.

So, as Tommy Lee said to Pamela Anderson

before the world, in a way, walked in on them...

- Dad, please don't. - That's not okay.

We're trying to eat.

Tom and I are going to go and get some more wine.

- Oh, there's some here. - Not enough.

And we are going to go look for some superglue.

Yes, for totally normal reasons.

Hmm. Why are you not spending time with your amazing family

that you love?

Just needed some space...

and some nuggets.

Yes, you should eat nuggets in the driveway

while they steal your sushi.

Come on, it's not that simple.

Yes, it is.

Kick them out.

At least let me do it.

Please let me do it. I want to do it.

But I'm the host.

Tom's the... You know, the smart one.

Sarah's the good one.

And I'm the guy who has this big house

that everyone gets to use.

[sighs] I understand.

Ow!

- What was that for? - For being ridiculous.

People love you for more than your house and your money.

How do you know?

Because I am standing here talking to you

and I have been off the clock for 15 minutes.

[light music]

Setting limits doesn't mean you care less for your family.

It means you care enough to be honest.

- Thanks, Lupe. - Mm.

That's deep.

You know, my boy Alex actually gave a TED Talk...

Stop. 15 minutes is enough.

See?

Limits.

Hmm.

I don't know. They all look the same to me.

Did you find anything good?

Oh, I decided on one ten minutes ago.

I'm just not ready to go back up there.

[chuckles] Me neither.

[sighs]

I'm sorry, Tom.

For what? They're my family.

No, not for that, for what's going on with us,

or what's not going on... It's my fault.

What are you talking about? It's totally my fault.

I've been putting so much pressure on it.

Oh. Me too. First, I thought I was busy.

But then it was a month and then two months,

and now I'm just... I'm in my head.

Yeah, I was like, "Is it a problem?"

I was like, "Is it problem

because I think it's a problem?"

And then everything just got so weird and... and awkward

and... and weird.

And I just said "weird" twice. [both chuckling]

Look, let's just... [sighs]

Let's take all the pressure out of it, you know?

What if we, uh, took it off the table?

- Take sex off the table? - For a little while.

Then we don't have to think about it

or think about thinking about it.

We could just relax.

I'd like that.

Come here.

- We love each other. - Mm.

That's what's important.

Frequency doesn't prove anything.

Yeah, I mean, who cares if it's once a month?

- Or once a year? - Once a decade?

Whoa, let's not... let's...

- Come on, let's be reasonable. - [chuckles]

[exhaling sharply] And done.

What do you think?

Are we returning it to her in the dark?

I think it could work. You just have to be positive.

Okay.

What was that?

Uh, it was nothing.

Nothing at all.

It was supposed to be a gift to say thank you,

but then Shamiah's friend's mom tricked us into buying

a really expensive vase, and then we broke it,

and so now we don't have any money,

and we also don't have a present for you.

Or that. It was also that.

Wait, who, Zara?

She was always bugging me to buy one of these things.

This is actually perfect. Let me pay for it.

You want to buy your own gift that's broken?

The real gift is the thought

and the fact this mom will stop bugging me about buying a vase.

What do I owe her?

Uh, 18.

Thousand?

That's kind of steep.

Hundred.

Oh, seriously? That's kind of a steal.

This worked out great. Thanks.

[laughing] Wow.

Oh, I'm so relieved.

[sighs]

Aren't you relieved? Why don't you look relieved?

Lulu, we almost got financially wiped out

by a vase.

Well, yeah, but it's over now.

No, it's not. There's always going to be another vase.

Why would there be another vase?

Oh, it's a metaphor for unexpected expenses.

Sorry, go on.

We can't even keep up as it is.

It's going to be even harder with a baby.

Yeah, we don't want Connor to have to bail us out every time.

We don't just need money to have a baby.

We need money to raise it.

We need a bigger baby jar.

- I thought we were so close. - I know.

Come here.

Okay, so what we need to do is just figure out a way

to make a little more money.

I mean, the school is looking for a new coach

for the debate team.

I am really good at arguing.

You're not that good at arguing.

Excuse me, I am very good at arguing.

Okay, now I see what you're doing.

[laughs]

So I tell this guy

if he raises our fire-insurance premium,

I'm going to take our home, auto, and term-life policies

and go elsewhere.

I thought we didn't have term life.

We don't. I was just making it up.

I was riffing. It was like jazz.

Anyway, saved us $14 a month, so...

Honey, nice job.

Oh, this is so boring,

and I'm so relieved to not be talking about sex.

Me too. [chuckles]

A weight has been lifted, right?

[chuckles] [both sigh]

You know, the new garbage bins

are arriving on Wednesday.

Yeah, I hear they have self-locking lids.

Mm-hmm.

And the water tank stopped... making that noise.

Cool, I'll, uh... I'll...

cancel the plumber.

Mm.

Oh, I cleaned the A.C. filters.

- Mm. - Right.

♪ Turn down the lights ♪

♪ We gonna do it right, I can do just what... ♪

Oh, look who's staying together.

Oh, they're glowing. [all swooning]

- You look great. - So glad I could help.

Get your freak on.

Okay, I don't know which is worse...

When they were all worried we weren't

or now that they're happy we did.

We can never talk to these people again.

- Right. - Hey, proud of you, bud.

Well, Tom, Marina,

I'm happy my wine cellar was good to you.

And, Mom, Dad, I am obviously thrilled

that you finished "Pam & Tommy."

Thank you.

Did you know they were based on real people?

- That can't be right. - Yeah.

But, unfortunately, this endless brunch is over.

It's time for everyone to leave,

except for Sarah and Denise.

They actually don't have anywhere to go.

- Thank you so much. - It was the vase.

Uh-huh.

Sorry, man, we totally understand.

No, I can read between the lines.

Mm, no lines, just telling you to leave.

Connor, you were so nice to let us all stay.

I mean, we just all descended on you like...

- Locusts. - Yes, thank you, Lupe.

Felt like you had that one ready.

Sweetie, giving you your space back

is the least we can do.

Consider us gone.

Thanks, everyone.

All right, you know, just take it away from me, please.

- [laughs] - This is what you want.

Yes, thank you. [laughs]

Any more waffles?

It would be weird to have a croissant and a frittata.

[laughter]

- Tom. - Oh, you mean now?

Okay, yeah.

[sports announcer speaking indistinctly on TV]

Hey, Connor.

Uh, we felt really bad about messing up your gift.

- So we got you this. - It's a handmade coupon book.

So each one is good for one hour of total alone time.

Just give us one of those anytime you want us

out of your hair.

And we will give you all the space that you need.

Oh, you want to use them all right now.

Let's go.

This is, like, 17 hours.

Guess you got 17 hours to fill.

[whistle blows, cheers and applause on TV]