Original subtitles

- Mom, no, I haven't ordered my sari yet.

Look, I'm having some car troubles, and it's really affecting my work.

Can I just call you back? 'Cause this is more of a two-hand job.

Ew! No, that's not what I do for work.

Look, I told you. People get in touch with me through an app,

and then I go to their house and I do things to them.

For them.

Protection? Okay, look, you're really not getting this.

Look, I don't even think I can make it to cousin Roshin's wedding.

Ow! (mom shouting over phone)

I know, but I've never met him! And I have, like, 75 cousins!

Am I supposed to go to all of their weddings?

Here's a pitch. One big group wedding.

Hello? Hello?

(car alarm blaring)

What?

What?

(theme music)

I know everybody says their families are crazy.

My family is for-real crazy.

I have had multiple conversations with my mom today

about ordering a sari for my cousin's wedding.

I'll order it when I wanna order it!

- Why don't you just order it? - God, Oliver. Who are you, my mom?!

I'm sorry. That was intense.

It's just, when my family gets stressed out, I get stressed out.

But they can't help it. They treat every single family function

like it's the biggest deal ever.

I mean, would anybody really notice if I didn't go?

- Maybe your weird uncle who kisses you on the mouth.

(both): Uncle Raj. - Wait.

Am I the only one that Uncle Raj doesn't kiss on the mouth?

- Oh, honey. - Yeah, that's not a club you want to be a member of.

- Speaking of, did you know Bark-Paul has been on the waiting list

for the Champions Club for two years, and still hasn't moved up a single spot?

- What? That is awful!

Remind me what the Champions Club is?

- Only the most exclusive canine club in L.A.

I mean, what's wrong with Bark-Paul? Nothing. He's perfect.

- I know it's just for dogs, but I'd roll over and beg to access that rooftop lounge.

That property is stunning.

Almost as impressive as this listing I'm stuck with.

I'm trying to sell luxury at the corner

of "Please take my wallet" and "Oh, hi, I see you're defecating in public."

- Oh. - It is high-high-end

in the worst possible neighbourhood.

It's an impossible sale. (phone chiming)

- Ooh! WhatUpFam.

It's one of those DNA companies that uncover your ancestry.

Oh. Maybe I'll find out I'm not even related to my family.

That'd be awesome.

- Our DNA tests have gotten so popular,

we've had to hire extra help in order to keep up processing all the samples.

- I bet. You know, I've always wanted to try one of these tests.

Well, not always, but since they've been a thing.

- Well, it's your lucky day then because everyone who works here gets a test for free.

- Free-zies? Oh. Swab me up.

- Mm-hmm. Just a little perk of the job.

Plus, more DNA in our database is always a good thing.

Helps to improve our metrics and also human cloning.

- What was that?

- Please put on these gloves to avoid any sort of contamination.

- You betcha. - It's actually pretty straightforward.

You receive the samples, you add a drop of activator liquid to each vial,

and then you place the mixed vials over here for a technician

to come retrieve them, and that's it. You got it?

- Easy breezy. You can count on me. - You don't need to do that.

- Right. Ahem. Oh, wow.

Oh... this is cool.

D to the N to the A to the what?

D to the N to the A to the what-what!

D to the N to the A to the whaaat!

Whoa! We got the MVP of DNA over here.

Hello?

Okay. Oh. Alright, we're really moving.

Oh, yeah, you're still going.

Okay.

Thank you.

What?

D to the N to the A to the what?

Okay.

That's some nice perfume you're wearing.

It's very, uh...

very fragrant.

Should be fine.

Yeah, hi, it's Liza. I dropped my car off the other day.

They told me to call back to get an estimate.

How much?!

So how many miles could I safely drive before it combusts?

Are we talking, like, a big explosion, or a small explosion?

(knocking) I'll call you back.

Yeah, sorry, you have the wrong address.

- But I haven't said anything yet. Are you Liza?

- Yes. - Oh, my God.

I know this is gonna sound crazy,

but the reason I found you is 'cause I took this DNA test - you know, WhatUpFam -

and as it turns out, we're related! Ah!

These curls are just the cutest!

You know, in the ninth grade, I was going through this really bad breakup,

and I wanted to just, you know, completely change my look, so I got this retro spiral perm.

I mean, most people can't pull it off, but I totally rocked it.

And that's when I knew. I must be kind of exotic.

And now I finally have the proof!

- Speaking of proof, these tests, really, how reliable are they?

- Oh, extremely reliable. - I guess,

but sometimes there can be other factors that throw off the results?

- Oh. I almost totally forgot.

Thought you might wanna learn a little bit about your family!

- Oh. - Let's see here.

This side of the family came over on the Mayflower,

and Mommy's side fought in the Civil War, for the right side.

- And which side is the right side?

- Ha! Liza, you're too funny.

Oh, my God. This makes so much sense.

Aunt Becky loved spicy food. Look, you guys are like twins!

- Listen, I should really tell you something.

- Oh, and here's Daddy at the family car dealership.

Reeves Family Motors, the largest dealership

in all of L.A. County. Have you heard of it?

- No, but I've never really had to shop for a new car. Mine's a hand-me-down,

and it's currently a little on the explode-y side.

- Oh, if you're having car trouble, I'll have it towed to our shop.

- Oh, that's nice of you, but I'm a little short on funds at the moment.

- Liza! We wouldn't charge you. You're family.

And you'll probably need a loaner car in the meantime, right?

- What? No. I could...

...do that. That could definitely work.

- You know, I'm so sorry. I've been talking this entire time.

What did you wanna say? - Oh. I was just gonna say that...

...I do totally look like Aunt Becky.

- Right?!

- Yeah!

- Alright, so I'll see you Friday?

- You bet ya. I can't wait to meet the rest of the fam-damily.

- Yay, I'm so excited! - Oh, Sloane.

These are my roommates, Harlow and Oliver.

- Hi. - Liza, you're so contemporary.

You guys have to come with us on Friday. We're having a family reunion.

- Why is Liza coming to your family reunion?

- Sloane! I know you gotta get going, so don't worry. I'll catch these guys up.

- Alrighty, well ciao for now. I'll see you all on Friday.

- See ya! - Bye! What's going on?

- Well, you know how one minute you're working in a DNA testing facility

and you accidentally sneeze in a sample,

and a month later, someone comes to your door

because they think you're related. Ha. It's a classic mix-up.

- Ha-ha. A tale as old as time.

I'm not going. - Ditto.

- Come on, guys! Please! WASP-y people make me feel nervous.

What am I supposed to talk about? The stock market and...

See? I literally can't think of another thing.

- Liza, you're not related to that woman.

- Boats. Rich people love boats.

That's literally the only thing I know about boats.

Please? You two are the fanciest people I know.

- I guess I am pretty fancy. - Yeah, you are.

- Fine. But only because I've been looking

for an occasion to wear my new ascot. - Yes!

Can you believe they're just letting me use this car?

I mean, the glove box is refrigerated.

It's better than our refrigerator in the apartment.

I went out and I bought butter just for the car. You guys want butter?

- Just plain?

(celestial music)

(Harlow): My God. (Liza): Wow.

- Liza, I'm having second thoughts about this.

You know, it's not too late to back out. - I'm with Harlow on this.

- Guys, don't flake out on me now, come on. We're already here.

Don't worry. I'm gonna tell 'em as soon as we get inside.

Or as soon as my car's done in the shop. Either way, they're gonna know soon-ish.

(classical music) - Yay, you're here!

Everybody, they're here!

Liza, Oliver, Harlow, meet Daddy. My daddy.

My mother, Cora, and my older brother, Hughes.

- Oh, look at you! Look at her, Cora!

- Oh, I'm looking, darling. - Oh, she's gorgeous. Isn't she gorgeous?

I bet she's smart too. I can tell

just by looking at you. - Oh!

- This is truly a cause for celebration.

I'll get the wine.

- Hey, all my friends call me Hughes, 'cause that's my name.

- Liza. - No, Hughes.

- Right. Hughes.

Hughes it is indeed.

Ahem. - Just a reminder, you're supposed to be related.

This isn't Cruel Intentions.

- So how's that loaner car working out for you?

- Can you be soul-mates with a vehicle?

'Cause I'd kinda like to ask its dad if I can marry it. (laughter)

- Liza, come on. I wanna give you a tour.

We have a giant waterslide in our pool. Oh, the indoor pool.

- You have more than one pool?

(cork popping, glass smashing) - Oh. Cora, dear, are you alright?

- Mom, let me help you with that. - Oh, no!

I was trying to get the cork out of the bottle, and my elbow must've bumped it!

- It's alright, darling. It's just a lamp. As long as you're alright.

- Wow.

Sorry. It's just, if that happened in my house,

it would've not gone down like that.

My dad once broke a Glade candle,

and my mom made him eat the wax as punishment.

We switched to Plug-Ins after that. - What's a Plug-In?

- Oh, it's a... (phone vibrating)

It's nothing. And my family can be just a little...

What?! Um...

Sorry, do you have somewhere I can make a phone call?

- How 'bout the kitchen? - Oh. Which one?

(laughter)

- Oh. (tapping)

- That's my little Lord Tinsley.

- Oh, he's adorable. I could just eat him up.

- But you wouldn't, would you?

Oh, I'm just kidding. Oh! Yes, he is adorable, isn't he?

Oh, I'm sorry I'm gushing. My dog is my life.

- Oh, I totally get it. My dog, Bark-Paul Gosselaar, is my baby.

- Well, if you're a fellow dog-lover,

I must show you Lord Tinsley's trophy room. It's quite impressive.

- You don't happen to know anyone at the Champions Club, do you?

- Know anyone? I'm practically on the board.

(Oliver): Wow. This place is amazing.

If I lived here, I would host so many murder-mystery parties.

And I'd have a luxury panic-room.

A place to have panic attacks surrounded by luxury.

- Yeah. This place is alright, I guess.

I mean, I'm only staying here 'cause I got kicked out of my last place.

You'd think my neighbours would be so stoked

that I had a Migos show performed right on the front lawn.

And the thing is, I did invite them.

And we pretty much put out the fire, like, right away,

so it wasn't even that big of a deal.

- Yeah, I think I read about that.

So you're in the market for a new place.

- Yeah, absolutely. But them I'm gonna have to, like, look...

- Ugh. Oh, yeah.

I wish I could get you the place I just listed.

It's very high-end, in an emerging neighbourhood.

But I kind of already promised it to Ja Rule.

- What?! Well, can I take a look at it?

- I mean, I guess you are, like, family now. I suppose I could fit you in.

- Suck it, Ja Rule. Yeah.

Alright, I'm gonna go get my chequebook.

- Mom, you called 10 times to see if I ordered a sari?!

Ten?! You only call 10 times if somebody's dead,

or Taylor Swift is finally engaged.

(mom shouting over phone)

Mom. Mom, Mom, calm down.

- Everything okay? - Yep. Everything's great. I'll be right out.

- Oh, shhh.

(mom shouting) - What?!

- So that is the wrap-around balcony.

It has a fire pit and a full outdoor kitchen.

- God, Oliver, you are selling me so hard, dude.

I can already see myself out there.

I think we got a winner right there.

Now I just got a quick question to ask you.

- Ask away. - You know,

now that I got a little bit of brown in my blood,

I can say the N-word now, right?

(bleep!) - No!

I-I-I know what the N-word is, and no, you cannot.

- Are you sure? Or are you messing with me?

'Cause I know I'm kinda new to this whole thug-life thing,

but, like, I'm pretty sure that it's all good now.

- I'm pretty sure it's not all good.

- Well what about when I'm rapping?

- No! - Not even Gold Digger?

- Hughes! You are not allowed, nor will you ever be allowed,

to say the N-word.

- Oh, okay.

- Okay.

- But you know we all are from Africa though, right?

- It doesn't work like that.

- So... the Champions Club.

I mean, what is the deal with their waiting list?

- What do you mean? - Well, my dog has been on the list for two years,

and it seems like a total no-brainer.

Bark-Paul is a huge influencer. I mean, look at his Insta following.

(chuckling) - That's charming,

but I don't think the board is going to be swayed by an Instagram...

Oh. Oh!

Oh, that is quite a large following.

That's a very impressive platform.

And you... Let me look at you.

Shiny hair... Go like this for me.

Oh, nice, healthy gums.

You know, I'm gonna write you a letter of recommendation.

And a letter from me is a guaranteed in.

- Oh, my God. Thank you so much! You would do that for me?

- Of course, darling! Now this calls for a real drink. (glass shattering)

- What floor am I on?

Where's the waterslide?

Oh, shit.

Shit.

- What's with the emergency meeting text?

- It's over. - What are you talking about?

- This letter is from WhatUpFam.

It explains all about how the DNA sample test was contaminated.

Which means, the jig is up.

I have to go and explain to them before they figure it out on their own.

- Liza, that's a terrible idea. - You're right.

'Cause the longer I stay in that house,

the more I risk truth-vomiting all over the place.

I can feel something coming up already.

Harlow, I'm wearing your underwear right now!

- What?! - Ew.

- I wear them all the time. Sometimes I don't even wash them before I put them back.

- Oh. - Liza. Keep it together.

Let your friends reap the benefit of this lie.

I am this close to making a sale!

- And I am this close to getting that letter of recommendation for Bark-Paul.

All we're asking for is just a little more time.

- I just don't like lying. - Don't think of it as lying.

Think of it as expressing a different version of the truth.

And technically, you could be related.

Aren't we all from Africa, anyway?

- It doesn't work like that. - Okay, Liza.

Oliver and I have dealt with racism our entire lives,

and an opportunity like this just does not come along very often.

Of course, it doesn't make up for everything we've been through,

but it is a small win. And don't you think we deserve that?

- What? You two playing the race card on me?

Hello?

- Technically you're half. Your white side owes us this.

- That is some messed-up logic.

But my white-guilt side thinks by denying your point of view, I'd be denying your experience.

Which would be wrong.

So I think maybe... you're right?

- Let's go with that. - Mm.

- I can do this. Just a little while longer.

- Liza?

What are you doing?

- Oh, you know. Just checking to see if you're on daylight saving's time.

- Um, okay. Well, I was actually just looking for you,

I had a couple of quick questions.

- Questions? I don't know anything. - It's not an interrogation!

I just want to get to know you a little better. - You do?

I feel like we know each other so well already, though. - Me too.

So where are you from? - Oh. I can answer that. Texas.

- Right, but where are you really from?

Like, where's our home base in India?

- "Our" home base? - Yeah, and are we Hindu?

- I'm sorry, what kind of questions are these?

- Oh, I'm filling out college applications,

and I really need to rep my Indian-ness this time around.

I didn't get into any colleges when I first applied,

and now all of a sudden you can't buy your way in.

But now that I'm mixed, I can probably get in anywhere.

- Hmm. That seems a little unethical.

- Unethical? Liza.

We've been forced to exploit the system,

because the system is there in the first place.

It's a reverse racism.

- That's not a thing.

- But now that I've got a little Indian in my blood, things are looking up.

Pal of mine recently married a Chinese and he got a minority business grant.

I recently applied for mine, and when the money comes in,

Daddy's gonna get a whole new dealership.

(forced laughter) - Okay, I think I'm hitting my limit.

- Oh, speaking of which, that loaner car really suits you,

I want you to keep it.

- Say what now?

Heated seats...

Racism.

Cooling seats...

Racism.

The option to set my butt to any temperature I want...

Racism.

Chilled butter...

Racism.

- I cannot thank you enough.

Bark-Paul is going to flip when I tell him.

- Oh, for a friend of the family, it's the least I could do.

And of course, it doesn't hurt to have an ally on the inside.

- An ally? - Well, to be honest...

...I've been concerned, now that I'm "of colour,"

that the club might want to kick me out.

That I might have to deal with, what's the word?

When you don't like someone because of the way they look. It's not jealousy.

- Racism?

- That's it. That people would be racist.

But now if they try anything,

we can just post to Bark-Paul's followers.

- Mm.

- It'd be such a PR nightmare for them, they'd have no choice but to back down.

Oh, hello, precious!

Oh, Mommy's good boy! Mm-mm! Here, hold Lord Tinsley for me.

- Oh. Okay. - I just need to go and find a pen and sign.

(light music) - Hmm.

- Okay, well, I'll get the paperwork started.

I'm so glad I met you today, Hughes. You are the perfect...

No, the only person that this condo is meant for.

- Aw, thanks, brother.

- You're welcome... brother.

- Time to take the annual family portrait for the holiday card!

- Oh... (Dad): Gather round. - But it's August.

- Is it August already? Oh, we are so behind.

- You know, this seems like more

of an immediate-family moment. We should get going.

- No, no, no, Liza, you're in the photo! No, you are family!

Come on. Would you be a sport and do the honours?

- Oh.

- Okay, over here. - Okay, okay. - A little closer. Perfect.

- Everyone say "Ralph Lauren!"

(all): Ralph Lauren! - Uh, can I see?

- Uh... - Ugh, no.

Can you take it again? We need more light.

- Oh, well, you could turn on that lamp over there... Oh. But somebody broke it.

- There we go! I was wondering when you were gonna throw that in my face!

- Well, maybe if you didn't spend your days soaked in booze.

Do you have any idea how expensive that lamp was?

- That wasn't expensive! You just think it was because you had to buy three of them.

One for me and one for each of your mistresses.

- Mistresses? - Oh, honey, wake up. You're not 10 anymore.

- Can you stop fighting in front of my new black friend?

(both): Shut up, Hughes! - So... thank you for having us.

- No, no, please! - No!

- You must stay. Just stay for one quick photo. - Because we all look so lovely!

- I guess one couldn't hurt.

- Oh, wait. I forgot part of my fit. Hold on a second.

No, I gotta represent my peeps now.

(war cry)

- Oh, hell no. No! (Bleep) this!

WhatUpFam? Oh, ha-ha.

I'm-a tell you what's up.

You're not Indian, you're not Indian, you're not Indian,

and you are not Indian, or Native American!

- Liza, what are you talking about?

- It's a lie, and as this letter will tell you,

we are not related.

I just happened to sneeze in your sample.

- Ugh. - Ew.

- You know, I thought it would've been nice to be a part of this family.

You all seemed so put together, so different than my own.

But take a look behind closed doors, and your shit is flying off the hinges!

You know what? You can keep your car,

'cause I don't want to have anything to do with this family!

Unless you... wanna give me your car,

because I clearly just taught you a very valuable lesson.

- Oh, not a chance! Hand over the keys.

- I'm white again! Mama's breaking out the good pills!

- Hi there.

I hope this new information doesn't change your offer to write that letter.

- Oh, darling. It absolutely does.

Nothing personal. I just don't think you'd feel very comfortable there.

You understand.

(scoffing) - Oh, I understand.

I understand perfectly.

Just like I'm sure the club wouldn't feel too comfortable

finding out that Lord Tinsley has cryptorchidism!

- Oh! - What's cryptork-idis-acha?

- I think it's some kind of dog herpes?

- It means he only has one ball. (all gasping)

And anyone who knows dog shows knows that the rules clearly state

that all competing males must have two balls.

You're a fraud. I know it, and so will everyone else,

once I post it on my very influential platform.

- Ah! You wouldn't!

- Hmm... I just did.

- Huh. Hughes... my friend.

My brother. We're still good for the condo, right?

- Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, of course.

- Oh, thank God. - No, we're fine. - What?

This dipshit doesn't have any money to buy a house.

Hughes can't even touch his trust fund until he turns 30.

Not after he spent $300,000 replacing his teeth with diamonds.

- They're the back molars, Dad! Okay? No one can even see them!

- Why did you even put them there, then? - You don't get it, Dad!

- We should probably go. (all shouting)

- I'm gonna grab the butter from the car.

- Have another drink! - I will!

- Yep, Mom, I ordered the sari. And you know what?

I'm actually really looking forward to the wedding.

I know our family may have some issues, but every family does,

and I'd choose our brand of crazy over all the others any day.

(mom shouting) No, no, I wasn't calling you crazy, I just meant that...

(knocking)

Hey, Mom, I gotta go. My date's here.

No, I'm not gonna ask him to FaceTime.

Hey, okay. I love you. Okay, okay.

- Excuse me, your date? (gasping)

You're going out with Hughes?

- Yeah, I am. - Hey, guys, um... so...

I just want to apologize for how I acted when you all first met me.

I came off as, like, this huge, close-minded d-bag,

but I have changed since then, thanks to Liza.

I mean, we've had some really great talks about race and my white privilege,

and I can honestly say that I see how insensitive I really was.

So I hope you guys can find it in your hearts to forgive me.

- It's only been 400 years of institutionalized racism.

But sure. Start fresh.

- Awesome. Thanks, guys! - See?

I may have had to open up more than a couple of new credit cars in order to fix my car,

but some good did come out of this.

I mean, this experience has really opened up Hughes's eyes.

His gorgeous, blue eyes.

But now that we're not related, we can go out.

- Wait, what do you mean, we're not related?

- I mean, we're not related. Remember the big speech that I gave at your house?

- Oh, yeah, I got bored and zoned out. Aw, that's a bummer.

The whole kissing-cousins thing was what was kinda doing it for me.

- Gross. - Well, maybe we could still pretend to be related?

- Okay, yeah, no.

- No. No, I can't.

- Okay. (Liza): Get out.

(club music) Bloopers!

They have to make every family function a family function.

'Cause that's what family functions are! So sorry! (laughter)

I'm so sorry. He was doing a Little Mermaid impression.

My dad once ate a candle. (laughter)

(club music)

Well, you know how one minute you're working for a DNA facility? What?

Well, you know how one minute you're working for... Mm!

Well... (laughing)

And you accidentally sneeze in a sample and then, a month later,

someone shows up at your door wondering if you're related?

Ha-ha. It's a classic sample. Sample? Ugh!!

On the next Liza on Demand:

They took my face and they Photoshopped it on another person's body!

- If my boobs looked that good, I would not be complaining.

- I guess all these gigging jobs all lead to the same place.

(Liza): I'm no longer using the internet for anything. So, ha!

- It's incredible what you can see when you're not staring at a display all day.

- There is a solution to this, but you can't handle it.

- I walked because I couldn't get gas in my car,

but then I couldn't call an Uber, 'cause I'm an Uber,

so I would've just been calling myself, but... without gas.

Subtitling: difuze